The husband lives with his mother-in-law. Relationships with mother-in-law and mother-in-law Turn your spouse against you

Olga Yurkovskaya specially for https://dni.ru

The topic of relationships with mother-in-law is much less anecdotal than “mother-in-law,” but the number of tragedies, family scenes and divorces in seemingly strong marriages due to the fault of mothers-in-law is off the charts. The reason for this is the man’s excessive infantilism, often superimposed on the parallel authoritarianism of his mother and the moral immaturity of his wife. As a result - or years cold war, periodically accompanied by domestic sabotage, or a wedding, scandals and a ceremonial division of property. Let's figure out how to solve this problem. Once and for all.

Divide and don't let conquer

First rule construction good relations with the mother-in-law it sounds like this: it’s absolutely impossible to live together. A man should not be torn between opposing social roles - husband and son. For his mother, at any age, he is a child, small, in need of care and the best in the world. And for the wife, he is a protector, the head of the family and the father of their children together. And, if these roles constantly bump into each other, conflict in the head is inevitable. Therefore, under no circumstances should you live under the same roof with your in-laws. Even if you can't afford to rent an apartment, rent a dorm room, but separate yourself.

Realize that your mother-in-law, even the best in the world, will never be your friend. Don't indulge yourself with illusions. You took her beloved boy away from her, he now gives you most of his love, his time and attention. He buys you gifts, lives with you, takes care of you. Therefore, if you are constantly in front of your mother-in-law, jealousy is inevitable. As well as grievances and attempts to pull the blanket over oneself. Only one mother-in-law will do this demonstratively, impudently, and the other will do it gradually, sometimes without even realizing that “wishing well,” she is crossing the boundaries of what is essentially someone else’s family. And then there is a 99% chance that the marriage will either break up or turn into family hard labor. So separate yourself. By any means.

When distance doesn't help...

I often have to remind you that a person's formal age (as written in the passport) does not matter. You can live until retirement and still have the brain level of a teenager. It is quite possible that the mother-in-law is as intelligent as a fifteen-year-old girl, but considers herself a woman of wisdom and experience. And you, due to a lack of understanding of how to deal with this, are lost.

If the situation is familiar, second rule building a good relationship with your mother-in-law - distance yourself emotionally, imagine that this is not your mother-in-law, but one of your unfamiliar neighbors. She calls you with incomprehensible claims, grievances, instructive and soul-saving conversations. It is unpleasant for you to communicate with her. How will you react? And, moreover, how will you perceive her chatter? Introduced? This is exactly what your reaction to your mother-in-law’s conversations should now be - this is a stranger to you. And she doesn’t wish you any “good”. Since her own life has not been successful, she cannot advise you anything smart, but she is offended because you live better than she does.

Rule three : Live your life, and let your mother-in-law live hers. She is not your daughter to raise or feel sorry for. Her own adult choice in favor of immaturity is not your concern. Your task is to protect yourself and your family from the toxic influence of a stranger to you personally, I emphasize, an infantile person.

Read Karen Pryor’s book “Don’t Growl at the Dog” and use this book to decide which topics of conversation you like and which ones you are not interested in. And how will you stop talking about topics you don’t like? Explain what topics you are ready to talk about and what you are not - and let this decision become the sixth rule in your relationship with your mother-in-law. And act in accordance with these conditions. If you don’t take the initiative, your husband’s mother will blow your mind with her interests and talk to provoke you into emotions.

Some people manage to create passion even during a telephone conversation. If you don't manage this conversation, your mother-in-law may explore sensitive topics and step on her pet peeves. If you politely tolerate it, she will drive a tractor over your feelings, hurt you incredibly painfully, but a well-mannered girl will cry, lick her wounds and politely pick up the phone again so that it all happens again.

Tired of it? Write your own conversation script. You are an intelligent and mature woman, so communicate according to the scenarios that suit you and stop unpleasant dialogues. No one is forcing you to have a conversation you don't like. You are not being interrogated by the Gestapo, you are free to interrupt the conversation and leave. Learn to take responsibility for your condition and well-being and teach other people to respect your comfort.

She's a grandmother!...

Fourth rule building a good relationship with your mother-in-law calls for remembering that public opinion and established stereotypes are often wrong. Women are afraid to limit communication with their mother or mother-in-law under the pretext “she’s a grandmother, she loves her grandchildren.” Yes, grandma, but, alas, she doesn’t always love. For many grandmothers, love does not appear, something does not work out. Grandmothers may well not experience love on demand. Moreover, you are nobody to her; she may well not love you, but quietly hate you.

However, public opinion says that ignoring the grandmother is “not good”, and she appears in the house under the pretext of communicating with her grandchildren, but in fact - for the sake of keeping public opinion happy. At the same time, a grandmother can bring so much negativity that after her you and your children may even get sick. Do you remember if there are any such patterns? What did she come, say nasty things to you or the children and leave happy, but you have a headache? And most often she attacks you - under the pretext, of course, of being kind. She’s a dear person, how can she give bad advice?

Maybe. And unconsciously. If a grandmother distances herself from her grandchildren or does dirty tricks over little things, there is only one conclusion - distance yourself. A person who truly loves will not obsessively interfere with aggression, he will find ways to interact pleasantly and with pleasure. And this communication will be joyful, unburdensome. If any conversation or any meeting with the older generation turns into hell, a stream of negativity, claims or reproaches - remove this poison from the life of your family, do not poison yourself.

It’s somehow inconvenient to leave an elderly person

Fifth rule building a good relationship with your mother-in-law will be useful in relationships with all relatives and friends without exception. It's about not allowing anyone to treat you badly. This behavior needs to be weaned off or communication reduced to zero. The ability to communicate is a necessary skill that every adult should and can develop. If the mother-in-law is important to the opportunity to talk with you or her grandchildren, she should do everything to be pleasant for you. Find at least one reason why a woman who is a stranger to you gets the right to control you, give ridiculous advice and ruin your mood? Why do you need this? You don't need anything from your mother-in-law. And her relationship with her own son is none of your business. Your job is to ensure that the husband defends the interests of his wife and family, and not his mother. As long as it protects, there is nothing to worry about.

If the husband doesn't understand this

Your mother-in-law is a stranger, says sixth rule. This is his mother. If he wants to communicate with her, let him go to visit or go to theaters with her and communicate. And you mind your own business. If you do not force your husband to tolerate your mother-in-law, then he should not force your mother-in-law on you. If your husband doesn’t think so, most likely you yourself are not sure about the correctness of the decision not to see his mother. You, too, have been taught for many years the social standards of Soviet society, in which elders must be respected, even if they behave like impudent teenagers.

Sometimes, in response to a desire to stop communicating, they may begin to accuse you of insulting your mother-in-law. Answer yourself, how can it be an insult to not communicate with someone else’s woman, who is not your mother at all? Where is the logic in this statement? There are seven billion people on the planet—who else have you insulted by not communicating with them? These are strangers to you, just like your husband’s mother. You didn’t choose her to start a family and you didn’t decide to live happily ever after with her. You might as well not communicate with your husband's brother, his aunt, grandfather, cousin and ex-girlfriend.

If you are confident in your decision, no one will move you from your position. Let's say you are sure that children should only be had in an official marriage - and you cannot be forced to give birth before the stamp in your passport. But what about alimony, if anything, and what if, who knows how life will turn out?

In a situation with your mother-in-law, if you are looking for approval from me - here it is, I approve of your decision to share communication. Share. Organize your mother-in-law's visits so that you are not at home at the time. Go away. Don't go visit her. Your husband will spend time with his mother, but you have no use for it.

Give yourself permission to do things your own way - rule number seven and for all time, if you want to be happy. Without doubting, without worrying and without thinking that maybe you are wrong? You're right. 100% That's the right decision. The rest of the family system will adjust and will be forced to accept your position. And while you yourself doubt, you end up with these games in which you are manipulated, and you are a puppet bouncing under the hands of others.

A harmonious relationship between spouses is an incredibly painstaking work in which both partners take part. But what to do if a “third wheel” - the husband’s mother - constantly gets into the relationship? Many women face the same problem: the husband listens to the advice of his mother-in-law, and she, in turn, constantly manipulates her son, interferes in quarrels and conflicts occurring in the family, and often pits her own child against her daughter-in-law. The problem of how to get rid of your mother-in-law is truly global. Very often, conflicts with the husband’s mother become the cause of discord in relationships and even divorce. Even if you are well acquainted with psychology and apply all existing methods of diplomacy, this does not mean at all that you will be able to influence your own mother-in-law. The fact is that there are types of people who are initially tuned to negativity. Any attempts to establish peaceful relations with such a person will lead to nothing. So how to get along with your mother-in-law or how to get your husband away from your mother-in-law? We invite you to talk about this right now!

Psychological background

When getting married, every girl expects that she and her husband will have a friendly and strong family. Unfortunately, sometimes these dreams remain just dreams. The mother-in-law brings nervousness and serious discord into the relationship. Psychology gives the answer: the fact is that many mothers cannot come to terms with the idea that their beloved boy has grown up and is no longer under parental control and care. The mother continues to control her son’s every step, regularly comes to his house with checks, can call dozens of times a day, and demand a minute-by-minute report. Of course, this will irritate the wife.

A man’s excessive attachment to his mother also plays a special role in this. You won't be able to get rid of this problem overnight. The fact is that the dependence of these two people on each other has been formed over many years. Maternal overprotection may have many secret intentions and reasons. When deciding how to get your husband away from your mother-in-law, you will have to fight not with the character of this woman, but with those images and attachments that have long entered the subconscious of the husband and his mother. The fact is that if your spouse had a desire to get rid of his overly annoying mother, he would have done it a long time ago. Your main task is to awaken this desire in him.

Two housewives in one kitchen

The situation is aggravated when the couple lives in the mother-in-law's house. One woman will sooner or later have the desire to take the reins. If a daughter-in-law lives on her mother-in-law’s property, she will have a very hard time, especially if this is her husband’s childhood home, where she is a stranger, albeit a loved one. Of course, it is very difficult to find some kind of universal recipe that will make life easier, but there are a number of rules, following which you can solve the problem of how to get your husband away from your mother-in-law forever!

Nonaggression pact

Many women ask the question: “What should I do if my mother-in-law lives with us and turns her husband against me?” Psychologists say: when you are trying to redo everything in your own way in your husband’s mother’s house, first of all try to think about whether you would like such a situation when someone is in charge of your kitchen? The first rule can be deduced: under no circumstances make rationalization proposals for organizing your mother-in-law’s life. You can either remain silent or admire this woman as a mistress. Under no circumstances complain to your husband’s mother about your significant other’s behavior. In her eyes, you should always be happy with your own husband. The fact is that she can listen to you and sympathize with you, but she will always be on the side of her child. Don’t let your mother-in-law drag you into conflicts and showdowns! Remember, in such a dispute the truth is not born; you can only gain a negative attitude towards each other. Please note: this should in no way look like your defeat or weak character! Just try to switch your mother-in-law’s attention to completely unrelated things during arguments.

No ultimatums

Of course, one can understand the dissatisfaction and irritation of the daughter-in-law due to the fact that the mother-in-law constantly turns her husband against her. However, it is necessary to refrain from scandals and quarrels, and even more so from ultimatums like “Choose: either me or her.” Do not forget that it will be difficult for your spouse to make a decision, because he literally finds himself between two fires. Do not under any circumstances interfere with his meetings with his mother, by doing so you can only worsen an already difficult situation. In this case, in the eyes of your spouse, his relatives and friends, you will appear as a selfish, insensitive and jealous woman. And believe me, in order to convince everyone around you of this, your mother-in-law will not spare any time or effort.

Out of sight, out of mind

The most reliable way to get rid of a monster-in-law is to go far away! In the event that after the wedding you intend to live or already live with this woman under the same roof, there will be absolutely no point in further actions. You won’t get your husband away from your mother-in-law, but she may well do something similar. That is why move: no matter where - to the other end of the city, to another region, or even better to the other end of the country. This way you will have to see your mother-in-law much less often. It is the condition of territorial remoteness, according to psychologists, that makes it possible to resolve the issue of how to get a husband away from his mother-in-law. In your soulmate, the shoots of independence and psychological independence from your mother will emerge. All you have to do is direct events in the direction you want.

The other side of the coin

True, this method may have several disadvantages. For example, it may turn out that your spouse is completely incapable of making decisions; over a long period of time you will have to guide him, babysit him and endure his whims. It is you who will have to replace his mother in all areas of life for some time. Psychologists recommend creating your own rules for your husband instead of your mother’s, which were lost. Of course, at first you will have to make decisions alone, giving your husband only instructions. Of course, this is not the most the best option, but the spouse will be entirely yours.

It is possible that your chosen one has long wanted to escape from his mother, but was worried that he would lose a number of household amenities. Only by getting rid of his mother's yoke will he be able to understand the superiority of independent life. In the event that the annoying mother continues to bother you, and your husband follows her lead, try to put on a performance: provoke a situation where the interests of your significant other and his mother collide, as they say, “head to head.” For example, if your spouse is going to a football match and has already bought tickets, try to negotiate with your mother-in-law about a visit to her on the same day, promise her that your husband and her son will take her to the dacha or to the clinic that day. Is it possible to refuse your own mother? Such a moment, according to psychologists, will allow you to turn the tide of hostilities with your bad mother-in-law in your direction and push her away from your family.

Night cuckoo

What to do if your mother-in-law interferes with your life? Specialists in the field family relations They say: putting your husband before a choice between himself and his own mother is the greatest stupidity. Life between two fires will certainly end in scandals and even depression. You will not be able to separate your husband from his loved one forever, because any child always worries about his parents. Experts recommend setting priorities in bed. Yes, you understood everything correctly: for some time you will have to manipulate your husband through lovemaking. The word "wife" should be associated with passionate nights, and your name should be the key to erotic memories. After this, you will no longer need the advice of a psychologist on how to get your husband away from your mother-in-law. Monologues from your husband’s mother with a negative connotation in your direction will fly in one ear and fly out the other!

Open dialogue

As long as the presence of your mother-in-law is felt in your life literally at every step, try to talk frankly with your spouse. Explain the current situation to him. This should be done in as calm a tone as possible; the emphasis in such a conversation should be on the fact that he is an adult man. At the same time, it is extremely important not to demonstrate a negative attitude towards his mother. Just gently hint that your mother-in-law is too much in your personal life. The time that your husband spends talking on the phone or visiting her can be made much more interesting and inspiring! Do not swear at your mother-in-law under any circumstances, do not use expressions such as “Your mother is sick of me!” Out of pure principle, your husband can remember how many times his “favorite” mother-in-law annoyed him. This means that the conversation will end with getting personal and a terrible scandal. Instead, clarify that you understand that the mother is worried about her child and wants him to feel good. After this, it is worth bringing up the main argument: explain to your husband that he is an adult and independent man, the head of the family, and should not be allowed to be treated like a helpless baby.

Nobody's perfect

What to do if your mother-in-law is a monster? Is it possible to separate her husband from her? Experts say: her own misdeeds will help you with this! If your relationship with your husband’s mother does not work out, try to make your husband very disappointed in her. The fact is that over many years he had a certain opinion about his mother. If you manage to provoke a sharp deviation from the usual image, it may simply disorient your spouse. He may not accept the new image of his mother and even reject it for a long time.

Reduce communication

Women often complain: “My mother-in-law is turning my husband against me.” What to do in such a situation? Reduce contact between your spouse and his mother. You need to find plausible excuses that will allow you to do this. Of course, sometimes this is very difficult, because many mothers-in-law press for pity, saying that this is the fate of all mothers: to raise a child and become unnecessary, some women begin to reproach their son for selfishness and ingratitude. How many times has your husband heard from his mother: “I gave birth to you, raised you, and now your wife comes first!”? Be steadfast. You can refer to your husband’s busyness at work, his sports activities, or something else. But under no circumstances talk about your spouse’s poor health, in this situation you will never get rid of a bad mother-in-law!

Bitchy mother in law

The most difficult type of mother-in-law is a powerful woman who is used to absolutely everyone obeying her. Most often, such a lady has only one son; of course, she will even control the process of his breathing! It is incredibly difficult to discourage your chosen one from such a mother-in-law. In addition, she simply will not allow you to establish diplomatic relations with her. She will see you only as a servant for her own son. At the same time, she is firmly convinced that you are not a match for her adored child. What to do if such “Armageddon in a skirt” prevents you from leaving to another continent, or at least to the other end of the city? How to deal with your mother-in-law who sees you as an enemy? Psychologists recommend not to let this situation take its course, because the main goal of a despot mother-in-law is your divorce. The thing is that her beloved son is the basis of her existence; she has absolutely no other goals. That is why psychologists recommend trying to find a new meaning in life for this woman. To do this, you need to thoroughly study the interests of your husband’s mother, her dreams and plans. For example, if all her life she dreamed of growing crocuses and tulips, but instead works, say, as a teacher primary classes, give her a small greenhouse, of course, as an addition to a cozy country house. Believe me, all your expenses will pay off triple! It is extremely important to approach this process creatively and in no case deviate from the intended goal.

Let's do it the old fashioned way

Women who find themselves in a difficult situation related to their mother-in-law cannot be envied. Very often they do not have enough strength, imagination, or simply time to understand how to get their husband away from his mother-in-law. In ancient times, it was customary to fight such women with the help of various lapels and conspiracies. Some magical rituals have reached us, after which mother and son cease to be interested in each other. Which ritual to choose? It depends on what kind of relationship there is in your family. The fact is that completely different options are suitable for each case.

For example, a number of conspiracies help to get rid of annoying moralizing, others are aimed at preventing the mother of your other half from interfering in your personal relationships. And sometimes young women want their mother-in-law to completely forget the way to the house. First of all, esotericists recommend performing a ritual that helps improve relationships with your mother-in-law. He stops the swearing and awakens love for his daughter-in-law in the heart of the husband’s mother. In order to perform this ritual, you will need to purchase 7 candles from the temple and bake a cake with your own hands. Best time for this - a full moon or a waxing moon. Around midnight you need to place candles on the floor to create a circle. At exactly 12 o'clock you need to light the candles, place the pie in the middle of the circle and stand in it yourself. After this, you need to read the following text 7 times:

Now I am my own mother, the one who gave birth to my beloved! So that there were no barriers between us, calm reigned and everything went smoothly! I attract the forces of goodness and love to the hearth; an envious enemy will not penetrate there! We must get rid of anger and hatred, and get rid of hostility! I have prepared a delicious pie, when you taste the sweet piece, you will love me and call me your beloved daughter-in-law! From now on and forever you will be like a legitimate mother to me! Candles will help me in the twilight, a love spell, sending it to you! Amen!

These words can be learned, or you can write them by hand on white paper. After this, the candles must burn out completely, the cinders must be wrapped in the paper on which the plot was written, then buried in a place where no one can set foot. And you will have to eat the pie together with your husband’s mother. In the event that the mother-in-law interferes too actively in family affairs, while exerting a strong influence on her son, a conspiracy will help that will allow her to be driven away from home. The ritual is quite simple; you should choose the time for it when the moon is waning. At sunrise, you need to take a handful of salt in your palms and say the following words:

Salted salt, white salt, bulk salt! Help the servant of God (name) get away from my house, so that she can live her life, do her business, and not be interested in mine or her husband’s and not interfere. Help me get rid of her advice and complaints. Protect from anger and hostility. Make her forget the way to our house and stop coming to us! Amen!

You need to repeat this plot nine times in a row, and then scatter salt at the threshold of your mother-in-law’s house. A month later, you need to perform the ritual again. You will see that your mother-in-law will become less interested in her son’s affairs, will find something exciting to do and will stop interfering endlessly in your life!

Together for 3 years. I am 23, he is 27. There are no children. In relations with my husband and mother-in-law, the situation is getting out of control.

The fact is that I was very jealous of my husband and his mother. When he called her (she lives in another city), he talked for a long time, sent some jokes on social media. networks, when she affectionately called him, I was literally torn from the inside. But I pulled myself together, tried to analyze, think soberly, but I let go.

But last week she came to us for 5 days. Before that, they had not seen each other for 7 months. I was in favor, because I understand with my mind that all this is nonsense, and staying with relatives, where everyone is already sitting on each other’s heads, is not an option. And we have a one-room, but large studio. This is my husband's mother. How can you not invite her? Moreover, when we communicate with her together, it’s a complete delight - she’s an intelligent, calm, wise woman, she seems to have no requests or complaints. Although I don’t have hopes that she loves me like her own, it is clear that she is trying to treat me well and take care of me.

She raised him, one might say, alone (she divorced her father when her husband was 12 years old), now she has no one and, as she says, she doesn’t need it. Judging by my husband’s stories, they were quite close: they went on vacation together until they were 19, and went for walks. So I barely made it through this week: I lost my temper, freaked out, got offended, left home, behaved like a stupid teenager.

As soon as her husband appeared, and she started cooing with him, giving him advice on wearing the “correct” intimate things, hygiene, trying to feed him almost from his mouth, hug him, when she tried to show an active interest in what interests him - in me as if a demon had taken over. It seemed to me that she was trying to show her superiority, primacy, that she was closer to him and he should listen to her. For example, I notice that he leaves the house in a T-shirt, I say: “Put on a jacket, it’s cool outside,” she: “Yes, put on a jacket, your mom tells you, then 10 seconds later, and your wife adds.” Or we go shopping: “Son, will you sponsor our shopping?” It’s as if I myself can’t decide with my husband how much money to take from the family budget.

Even help from her, like washing the dishes in our apartment, giving advice or preparing something without my knowledge, preparing breakfast for my husband, is perceived as an attempt to “take away” something important from me, an invasion of personal space. Intellectually, I understand that this is all some kind of madness, that this is a normal relationship between mother and son. It would have been much worse if he had “sent” her away and responded badly. She doesn’t want to offend or humiliate anyone, she’s just used to treating him that way. I understand that she raised him a good man, pulled as hard as she could. I understand that she wants to help me, she doesn’t want to bother me with taking care of herself while visiting.

The problem is just me. But why does it take such ugly forms, and I have no idea how to deal with it. I really need help from this site before I cause trouble and ruin the relationship with my indignation, dissatisfied face and hysterics later on with my husband. I just wanted to stand up and shout: “Enough! This is my husband and I myself am able to take care of him and solve all the issues! We are family, accept that he is no longer your little boy and now I have to be main woman in his life! Today she left and I am incredibly ashamed. Such emptiness inside.

I am absolutely in favor of helping her, both material and moral. But again, so that all this goes through our family council. When we decide together what to give, how much money to give, I try to choose the best, I insist on good amounts. When something happens to her, I want to support her. But exactly until I am forced out of this “scheme”, even if not on purpose. Then I'm just beside myself with rage.

I really want to overcome all this nonsense, I want the family to be friendly, so that the grandchildren will happily wait for their grandmother to visit in the future, and not conflicts and misunderstandings. About myself and the site for my family: my mother died when I was 17 years old, my dad got married after that and lives his own life, and he is not inclined towards close relationships, everything is always my fault for him. My sister lives with her family in another city. I have work and hobbies, but at such moments I cannot distract myself from bad thoughts - it’s unbearable.

The son has long become independent, and his mother is still trying to look after him, calling him, giving advice - alas, the situation is so common that millions of women begin to think about how they can get their mother-in-law away from their husband, so that this woman will finally stop interfering in their lives . Today, a professional psychologist gives advice to women on this topic.

How to get your mother-in-law away from your husband and reduce her influence

“I’m married, no children. My problem is my relationship with my mother-in-law. The fact is that I am very independent, I achieved everything in life myself, I made all life decisions without the participation of my parents - that’s how I was raised.

My husband was raised differently; all decisions in his family are made by his mother, both he and his elder sister They are used to “focusing” problems on the mother, who, with tenacity and fighting spirit, rushes into battle and smashes any obstacles in her path, solving any problems with one blow.

And now, when I have my own family, I seem to live independently, separately from my parents and his, I am forced to think about how to get my mother-in-law away from my husband. Out of habit, the husband takes everything “for judgment” to his mother, who, also out of habit, decides with a powerful combat attack.

And all my logical arguments about solving the problem are shattered by her impenetrable “armor” of words: “What are you telling me here, I’ve done this all my life and I’m not going to do it differently.” The relationship with my mother-in-law became unbearable.

The worst thing is that my habit of living independently now interferes with family relationships with my husband. For him, his mother was and remains an indisputable authority, and he motivates everything simply: “She won’t wish me harm - she’s a mother after all!” (some kind of personality cult!)

An attempt to discourage the mother-in-law from her husband and explain to her husband that she sees his current life rather one-sidedly, that she cannot take into account all the nuances, since after all it is ours family life, and not her, that she could be wrong and draw the wrong conclusions, did not lead to anything. He either consults with her and his decision is completely her decision, or he refuses to do anything at all, relying on me. The result is conflicts. Dina Vitkovskaya."

Psychologist Elena Poryvaeva answers how to get your mother-in-law away from her husband:

Alas, this cannot be explained to my mother-in-law. Because she basically won’t want to and won’t be able to understand this. In her understanding, her son will always be a little boy who needs his mother's care and mother's advice.

Perhaps you married a big child so you could remain independent. Because due to our double morality, we often have two extremes: either a macho man who communicates with his wife according to the principle “shut your mouth, woman, when horsemen are talking,” or a man-child who wants to see his wife as a mommy and only for that reason initially ready to listen to her. Of course, there is a “golden mean”, but it must be sought and even created somewhere. And you may have unconsciously preferred one of the extremes.

But now it should be noted that it will be difficult to discourage the mother-in-law from her husband and it is useless to expect such a husband to express his opinion. He simply doesn’t have his own opinion - only his mother’s! In addition, he is completely uncritical of the behavior of his own parent (this condition usually occurs in children from about one to three years old, but in other individuals, as you can see, it sometimes remains for the rest of their lives).

You write that you are trying to teach him. First of all, sorry, it's late. And secondly, as soon as you start teaching and raising him, you immediately cause a natural hostile reaction from your mother-in-law, because you become her rival and competitor - after all, only a mother can raise this child. And you are thus encroaching on her place!

You ask: “How to get your mother-in-law away from her husband and who makes decisions in the family - us or her.” But, excuse me, there is no “we” in your family yet - there is you, your husband and his mother, and your question essentially sounds different - who makes the decisions, you personally or her? That is, you are actually asking your spouse to make a choice between you and your mother. The situation is very dangerous. If only because an infantile boy, being backed up to the wall, will choose his mother only out of a sense of self-defense...

The first option: grab your husband under the arm like a little boy and drag him away from his mother, beyond her reach. That is, in fact, replace the wife’s mother.

The second is divorce.

The third is to become your mother-in-law’s daughter, indulge her in everything and obey her. Then she will stop being afraid of you and begin to love you, but in her own way, just like her son, without giving you any independence.

And the fourth - you mentioned it yourself: learn diplomacy. Don’t shout, excuse me, into trouble, but subtly manipulate the situation.

How to get your mother-in-law away from her future husband

“I’m 28 years old, my boyfriend is a year and a half younger than me, but that’s not the point. We've been together for a year now. We lived in different cities, and I often stayed with him. As a result, my relationship with his mother did not work out, and, despite his crazy love for me, our relationship changed.

I know he loves me and the fact that he respects his mother is important to me, but I constantly feel her influence on our relationship. If earlier she suggested that he leave with me and rent an apartment, now that I live alone, she is offended that he is almost never at home. His mother is a manipulator, I don’t know how to get my mother-in-law away from her future husband and what to do... Alexandra Galuza.”

Psychologist Elena Poryvaeva answers how to get your mother-in-law away from her future husband:

Alexandra, I’m afraid that in this situation your role is that of a passive observer. Interfering in the relationship between your man and his mother is a thankless task. He is almost 27 years old, he is not married and he has a very affectionate relationship with his mother - this already says a lot.

At the very least, I would have a suspicion that this is not the first time that a mother has interfered in her son’s personal life, since most guys at this age are more likely to be “no longer married” than “not yet married.” Not everything, of course, but...

In general, based on the totality of the “symptoms,” it will be difficult to push the mother-in-law away from her husband, because his mother is a manipulator, an owner, who is burdened by the very thought that her “boy” might love someone more than her. Hence your problems with her.

By definition, she will not be able to treat you well, since for her you are a rival who wants to “steal” her “man” from her. The situation is very similar to the love triangle “wife - husband - mistress”.

But “a wife is not a wall,” and in general, in one man’s life there can be many wives, but there can be only one mother. Actually, it is precisely this logic that such mothers operate with. It is curious that they themselves are very afraid of growing old, they do not want grandchildren who will “make them grandmothers,” and the grandchildren who are nevertheless born are treated either coolly or as the children of their son, and not the children of their son and daughter-in-law.

In short, the most you can do is not to discourage your mother-in-law from her husband, but to talk to your man, explaining to him your concerns. Calmly (but sadly) tell him everything you feel: that you don’t want to come between him and his mother, but you also don’t want his mother to come between you.

Ask him how he sees your future together. In this situation, this question is quite appropriate. And what happens next depends only on your man, on how much he loves you and wants to be with you. And, of course, it depends on how psychologically mature he is. If he " Sissy"- run away from him before it's too late.

I remember one “train conversation” to the point: a neighbor in the compartment complained about her mother-in-law, who almost every day, under various pretexts, dragged her son over after work. Either her shelf fell, or she twisted her ankle, or she needed to buy a medicine that was not sold in her pharmacy, or something else.

And so almost every day. The woman no longer knew how to get her mother-in-law away from her husband. After work, the husband went straight to “mom”, and appeared at home either very late (mom also fed dinner), or even stayed overnight with her. The situation did not change even after the birth of the child. The husband was still a “son” and remained so.

And all the conversations on the topic “you have your own family; Mom is manipulating you” ended in scandals and the words “Mom always told me that you don’t like her.” I hope you don't find yourself in a similar situation! Good luck to you!

Marriage is not only about the relationship between a man and a woman, but also about their relationship with their children. This is also the relationship with each other's parents. Relationships between wife and mother-in-law, husband and mother-in-law. And the quality of these relationships is of great importance for the happiness of the family. The problem is especially acute if the family lives with the husband’s parents, in the mother-in-law’s apartment. In this case, it is often simply about the survival of the family. But even if the family lives separately from the parents, you still need to pay great attention to relationships with them, establish them, this will contribute to the strength and well-being of your family.

See your mother-in-law's pain and fear

Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law: 7 myths

Need to reconcile with parents

Relationships with the parents of the husband or wife

Responsibility is the basis for love in the family

Conflict with father-in-law

Parental Immaturity (Part 1)

Parental Immaturity (Part 2)

Parental Immaturity (Part 3)

Parental interference in the lives of newlyweds

Living in parents' apartment