The truth about those who destroy families. Punishment for a broken family. Be constantly dissatisfied

- Father, I’m scared... I want to get married, have children, have a family... Years pass, I’m already over thirty, but it’s impossible to find a husband, impossible, father! The men have definitely gone crazy: either they’re drinking black, or they’re partying... Father, I’m scared! You see, everyone needs a bed, a body, and the sooner the better... In general, it’s difficult to find a man, but for him to wait until marriage and endure it is something out of the realm of fantasy! And how to live... according to God? Should I go to the monastery? But I never wanted to be a nun; I have no calling for this. And there is nothing worse than loneliness! How to live, father?!

She is crying... literally crying - a pretty and kind woman who no one needs... And I don’t know what words to console her with.

What is happening to us, tell me?! You can call it an epidemic, a fad, mass madness - whatever you want. Almost every day in conversations, in confession, I hear heartbreaking stories about insanity - often violent, but not mental, but moral. About how, after living 20, 30 years together, people go crazy... how husbands, destroying the family, turn into monsters, and ex-wives into predatory, crazy females.

And new and new stories pile up and emerge in memory.

They have three children, a strong home, a business and 23 years of family experience. And so he drags her by the hair to the icons, strangles her and shouts: “I swear in front of the icons that I will kill you!” And his face - distorted from senseless rage, with whitened eyes - the face of a demon.

Someone will say: we also need to listen to the other side. Yes, I listened to others and third parties... I’m already fed up with these stories, but the picture is the same: fear! There is no real faith: in God, in eternal life, in human dignity. And by the age of forty, when much has already been achieved and life goes on as usual, a person suddenly understands that this is how it will all go... with slow aging and fading of strength, feelings and mind... And panic begins... The search for “thrills” begins. And the demon delivers these sensations, and now on an industrial scale. The whole industry of “high” life with its nightclubs, “rooms”, tours, shops, prodigal dating sites... with all this lust that has flooded the world and hides behind, as if in mockery, love. What kind of madness is this!

- I fell out of love! Well, what can you do! - exclaims the graying gentleman and throws up his hands.

Like this: I loved, loved 25 for five years, and then one day I stopped loving. Well, what can you do? There is no trial... Nonsense, you know, just the delirium of a madman... And for some reason, for the most part, men go crazy, that is, they break loose from all the screws and literally lose their human appearance. I partly understand why men. Great for a woman at This role in life is played by family, children, taking care of the home... This is a moral refuge. And this saves for the time being, even in the absence of deep faith. For a man, the main thing is business, career, success. And if all this has been achieved in general terms, then the question arises: what’s next, what is it all for?! After all, a person gets used to everything: you can just as get used to a Bentley and a private mansion in London as to an old Zaporozhets and a dilapidated shack. And if luxury still pleases your vanity, then it won’t give you a feeling of fullness of life - that’s for sure. Because man is body, soul and... God! And if a person avoids communication with the Lord, then he cripples, cuts himself, becomes a mad horseman at the celebration of life... only a horseman without a head. And such a rider can be carried anywhere. And he carries it.

How invigorating other laws in the field of family law are! Even if at different times and in different areas - spiritual and secular, there are such pearls that even if they are not completely applicable, they certainly bring you to your senses.

Basil the Great, for example, has a rule, the essence of which boils down to the fact that if a person destroys his own marriage without a good reason, he does not have the right to create a new family, because once he could not stand it, did not preserve what the Lord entrusted to him (Second canonical message § 48). Sounds harsh, but sobering! After all, marriage - even unmarried, but legal - is also an institution of God! A gift, the preservation of which requires responsibility, effort, and faith. It is impossible without faith, because if marriage is only a human institution, then it can be destroyed just as easily as it can be created. Why not? Grief, tears, fidelity, children, betrayal - so this is also all human... if there is no God... then - just fiction... sentimentality... conventions. As one of the characters F.M. said. Dostoevsky: “If there is no God, then I am God!” And therefore, everything is possible!

This is how everything collapses and flies into the abyss. But you cannot deceive your soul, your conscience, this voice of God in your soul. And so - a girl, a student, comes in tears and admits that she has a child from married man, and he is now angry... and is in no hurry to get a divorce... and he is no longer as willing to give money as before. And studying is so expensive... So what to do now?

How do you like the question? What to answer?! But it just seemed like it wasn’t necessary to live like a god, that it was all just an old wives’ tale.

Temptation, temptation all around... dictatorship of sin. And thousands, hundreds of thousands voluntarily go into this slavery... And we also talk about some kind of democracy and freedom! Reasoning of monkeys before a boa constrictor! And again it all comes down to faith. Well, our people cannot exist without faith! Without active and conscious faith, without Orthodoxy! How is it not clear yet?! We don’t know the measures! We get to the very essence, we expose this essence not in philosophical constructs, but in our own lives... Thus, the essence of communism was revealed to the world, and the world was horrified. And now we embody capitalism “to the fullest”, taking from life everything that is possible and what is not... And tell me that this is not paganism! Yes, the real thing! Worship of the flesh - with delight, avidly, with selfless rapture to the point of fainting, with b at let's hit the floor with our heads! Give us more happiness, earthly happiness, and we will give everything for it, whatever you ask! We’ll even give up our family, because family happiness is very boring, but give us a riot of passions!

And now it’s not only men who are weird, but also women - they don’t want to endure troubles, everyday difficulties, sorrows... and not in their extreme manifestations, but in the most everyday, ordinary ones. A woman begins to feel that her life is going mediocrely, that her beauty is fading and is not appreciated by anyone, and in general she, a beauty and a smart woman, deserves a “better life.” Actually, the motive is the same as that of “walking” husbands: life passes, but you can still take so many bright and exciting things from it! Take it!.. And again you understand that the basis of such a view of oneself, of life, is banal pride, disbelief in God, in the fact that there is nothing more important than agreement with Him, without Whom life is generally impossible in its fullness.

It happens that women fall in love recklessly and leave their husbands (often decent and faithful, but less successful and driven than they would like). But more often the reason for separation is not “fatal” love, but rather dissatisfaction with life, ingratitude and the inability to appreciate what is sent by God. And such a woman sets off on “autonomous voyage.” And okay, if this were the voyage of a ship heading for a quiet harbor, then no - rather, it looks like a shark prowling in search of a victim. And here it doesn’t matter whether this “prey” belongs to someone or not. We must “pluck” it, lure it, absorb it - at any cost.

Once he blessed the apartment of a lonely middle-aged woman. Her husband was “stole” from her by a neighbor and a good friend, who sat at the same table with her more than once, who enjoyed her hospitality and complete trust... She first divorced her husband herself, because for some reason he “didn’t suit her”, and then she took away someone else’s husband. . Now they have sold the apartment, moved to God knows where and are building a new “nest” for themselves. And how many such examples!

And how painful it is to see these unfortunate, deceived women! And the worst thing is that the people “robbing” do not understand their meanness, or certainly do not feel it, otherwise their life would turn into torture.

Well, what next... for this “shark”? She “stole” the man... grabbed her “piece of happiness”... predatory, like an animal... But the years fly by, and the approach of old age becomes more and more obvious... and the meaninglessness of the days lived and the inevitability of the answer become clearer. And as the passions cool, the mutual alienation of the former lovers becomes more and more obvious. What kind of happiness is there?!

More and more young girls are coming to the temple, living freely with other people’s husbands. It’s also good when they come in tears, exhausted by sin, tired of lies and torment of conscience. But often you hear only a statement of fact, and even with a grin. There really is a chill going down my spine, even though it seems like I’m already used to everything.

Dear girls, do you understand what you are doing?! Why are you ruining your life, because destroying someone else’s family is a grave, mortal sin?!

“I didn’t destroy it,” he answers. – We just meet sometimes – that’s all.

And this is said without blinking an eye. That is, she is sure that destroying a family means leading to a divorce, and if so, “on the sly,” then it’s okay, although it’s not very good, of course. Madness! A person does not understand that even a passionate thought is already an invasion of someone else’s family. That sinful tension instantly arises between people in the presence of this thought, tension, unconsciously expressed in passionate glances, words, “random” touches - and this is all the destruction of the family. Moreover, the most terrible betrayals, falls and betrayals begin with the most “fluffy” and “lofty” feelings. Demons always disguise themselves as something pleasant, bright, romantic... and when a person finds himself in terrible, impassable mud, not a trace remains of all this “soulfulness.” And such is the bitter story of all the falls.

Dear girls... boys... husbands and wives, let's watch our feelings. Remember that the sweetness of sin always turns into hopeless bitterness and tears. Always.

“Tell me...” I continue the conversation. - Excuse me, what is your name?..

“Alla (Masha, Sveta, Tanya...),” the young creature answers.

- Tell me, Alla, would you like to have a kind, caring family? loving husband, kids?

– So that you would build a life together bit by bit, year after year, overcoming sorrows and difficulties, growing in mutual love... Together you would create a home... a career... raise children... Would you like all this for yourself?

- Well, of course.

– Would you like that in 25 years, when you begin to fade and in this withering you would be consoled only by the fact that life happened, that there is a family, children and a loving, faithful husband... would you like that at this very time did your husband have such a wonderful Allochka on his side?

– Would you like your husband to come home after midnight with fussy gestures and shifting eyes... so that he becomes inexplicably nervous and abrupt... so that he starts going away on business trips too often... and every day you irritate him more and more more... and one day they realized that he no longer needs you, but simply disgusting! Would you like this for yourself?

- So why do you do to others what you don’t want for yourself?! It's so simple! After all, this is God’s commandment... one of those that is necessary for a good, normal life...

“But their relationship was already complicated...

- Especially! The Gospel says that the Lord “will not break a bruised reed, nor quench the smoking flax” (Matthew 12:20). That is, the Creator Himself values ​​human freedom and does not interfere in relationships between people, giving them the opportunity to make their own conscious choice. After all, it happens that one breath can tip the scales in one direction or another. Save or destroy! And so - you invade this thinnest, fragile fabric of family life and easily destroy everything that has been created over the years and that, perhaps, could still live. Do you understand what a grave sin this is?!

Look what's happening around! The whole sick, corrupt, degenerate world hopes to make us the same, so that they will not be tormented or exposed. Yes, we hardly denounce anymore... and we wouldn’t denounce at all if it weren’t for the Church. It is she who still calls beauty beauty, and abomination abomination; it is she who continues to remind a person of his heavenly calling where everyone would long ago like to forget about it, so as not to suffer to enjoy their trough; It is she who gives no rest to the lost soul, encouraging it with hope in God’s mercy.

We can't give up! We need to fight for every inch of the family!

About six months ago a man appeared in the temple. He also caused trouble, did such a thing that his wife left... and took the child... and, it seems, has already gotten together with someone... In a word, it’s all over. Another story of collapse. But this little peasant suddenly became scared (no doubt someone was praying for him). And he came to the temple in confusion and decided, with God’s help, not to give up, to fight the demons, to fight for his family! He repented... you see, he didn’t just name his sins, didn’t “report on the work done,” as happens with us, but firmly decided to change, become different... to be reborn with the help of God. And he also told himself firmly: no matter what, I am a husband and father before God and I will behave like a husband and father. And he went to his ex-wife, but she did not let him on the threshold; he gave her flowers, and she threw them in the trash... he wanted to see the child, but he was not given a date... he saw his wife from afar with that new one, and his heart was breaking... But he said: Lord, you see: I I repent... Forgive me and let me be a husband, remain a father... And he held on, no matter what. He continued to call... meet... seek communication and give flowers... Not with impudence, you know, not with ambition, but with love... and he won!

Two days ago he came up after the service and said simply:

- Father, we are together again!

If you only knew what joy it is for a priest to hear such words! What is there for a priest - there is more joy in heaven about one sinner who repents than about 99 righteous people!

Yes, he destroyed the marriage, and his wife’s infidelity completed the molestation. But the Lord is able to restore decayed flesh from the ashes, if only there were faith, there would be repentance, there would be love! I remember the well-known saying: “Whoever wants, looks for opportunities, whoever doesn’t want, looks for reasons.” How often in our lives we are just looking for reasons to throw off the “burden” of family life, not realizing that this burden is actually “easy to eat.” And these reasons will soon be found. And everything around falls, collapses due to the extreme multiplication of these imaginary reasons. But how worthy of respect is the one who, even in extreme discord, seeks opportunities to preserve a marriage: in his soul, in a firm intention, in search of reconciliation... in an awareness of responsibility... in trust in God’s mercy! And such a disposition of the heart, of course, is more pleasing to God than relaxation, seeking self-gratification and easy ways. God will not abandon the warrior, and the family, even if destroyed, but still holding on by a thread of faith, will be restored by the Lord and honored - for patience, faith, and hope - with great blessings. And in our time, this path is the path of fighting for our family, standing for it - this is a labor of love that covers our many sins. Don't give up... don't give up easily or hard. No way! Fight for your families with God's help! Remain wives and mothers, husbands and fathers - in your hearts, in your thoughts and actions, despite the rampant passions in a maddened world. And for this standing in the truth, the Lord will certainly grant us His grace, and we will understand that there is nothing more important and better than this in the world!

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The destruction of the family is gradual and imperceptible. This applies both to the family as a social institution and to a specific family. In the early 1930s, researcher Sorokin wrote with horror that the number of divorces in Russian society had reached an unprecedented level of 89 divorces per 1000 marriages. He raised the issue of a terrible decline in morals, so before the revolution there were even fewer divorces. From about this moment on, the process of family destruction among the Russian people began.

Several generations passed, the entire way of life changed, before it became clear to everyone that the family had to be saved. About the same thing happens with each specific family. Before it completely collapses, many seemingly insignificant events occur that little by little destroy the family. It’s as if many small cracks appear on some beautiful vase, and then from a small blow it all crumbles, and it is almost impossible to preserve it.

The destruction of a family is influenced by so many factors that it is difficult to single out something important that alone could restore the family. Therefore, when we talk about preserving the family, we must understand that this is a comprehensive problem and it has many sides that need to be addressed simultaneously.

Husband and wife are not parents

It seems to me that lately There was a gap between the concepts: family and parenthood. That is, the word “family” no longer immediately evokes associations with children: a husband and wife are already a family. More and more young people, having gotten married, want to live for themselves first, postponing children for a later date.

Lack of state support for maternity

Until recently, the state itself did not support motherhood. For many years, the meager child benefit per child per month was like a slap in the soul of all parents. “You, they say, give birth there yourself, then raise them, but don’t count on us, we didn’t force you to give birth. Your children, you are the ones who suffer.” As a result of this attitude, motherhood was absolutely not prestigious; it was especially psychologically difficult to have many children. How many undeserved reproaches have mothers of many children heard for the fact that “they gave birth, and now they jump in line everywhere,” “they created poverty, and now they go for benefits and benefits, and beg.”

Changes in government policy

And surprisingly, it would seem that money cannot force people to give birth. After all, whoever wants children will give birth without financial support, and whoever doesn’t, won’t want to lose their quiet and carefree life for money. But then the president addresses Russian citizens, promising serious financial support to parents, and suddenly the situation changes dramatically. Not a single promised ruble has yet been paid, but the attitude towards motherhood has already changed.

I myself witnessed how people suddenly changed their attitude towards large families. Those who yesterday looked at a large family with a grin now say that it is very good that someone decides to give birth. And all this is because now the state has said: “Your children are our children. We need your children, we will help raise them.” Now, people with many children do not “create poverty,” but raise future citizens of the country that it so desperately needs.

Financial assistance also becomes psychological

Now the work of a simple mother to raise a child is considered by the state as highly skilled work that must be paid. Only financial assistance was promised, but psychological assistance was also provided. Now having children, if not yet fashionable, is at least not shameful.

Of course, financial measures are important, but they alone will not solve the problem. In many European countries, parents are paid enough benefits to live comfortably. If you have three children, then you can live entirely on these benefits without working. But there is no population explosion in these countries. Of course, in these countries the birth rate is higher. Thanks to financial support, Western countries, although degenerating less, are still degenerating.

Fashion for family and children

But financial support alone is, of course, not enough. After all, it was not only the child benefit of 70 rubles that prevented having children. The air itself was saturated with a mood for small families. You can, for example, look at advertising where they try to use the image of a family. Almost everywhere there is a family of three - mother, father and one child. I don’t know if this was done by someone on purpose, or if it was just an expression of the spirit in the air.

A woman is a worker, not a mother?

The most important thing is that in Soviet times (and now even more) the image of a prosperous and happy woman was increasingly associated with a career, with a profession, and not with family. This was set up by Soviet ideology, which worked starting from kindergarten. The image of a working woman was drawn, who, like men, stands at the machine, builds houses, manages production, but just does not sit at home with her family.

In Soviet cinema, films where the main characters have a large family can be counted on one hand: “Big Family”, “Evdokia”, “One Day Twenty Years Later” - that’s probably all! And so almost everywhere there is one, rarely two children in a family. Due to the fact that this is the image of the family that is constantly drawn, it becomes natural and is perceived as the norm.

The fashion for small families is supported by the fact that modern society is aimed at consuming various goods - goods, services, entertainment. We live in a consumer civilization. Entire industries are aimed at serving our artificially created needs. “Take everything from life”, “Don’t let yourself dry out” - such mottos rain down on people from all sides.

Life for pleasure?

All this gradually enters our consciousness, and mostly into the subconscious. As a result of this attitude, there is less and less desire to get married and have children. Why are there more and more civil marriages, or simply cohabitation? Cohabitation gives you the opportunity to take the most pleasant things from life without giving anything in return. We will use each other for our pleasure, and if something happens, we will run away. And a family where they are in no hurry to have children is not much different from cohabitation.

Only a person who is determined to give more than to take can create a family and raise children. And to educate such people, a whole system of education must work - both in the family and in kindergarten, and at school, and on television and radio, the child should receive the mood for sublime sacrificial service to his loved ones, his country. Christian life is permeated with this attitude, so there is no need to invent any new ideology. For a Russian person, it is enough to return to our traditional Orthodox way of life.

Family education for youth

The best time is school time, adolescence. Teenagers are already mature enough to think for themselves. And, despite the wrong family upbringing, at this time they are all thinking about their future family, everyone wants family happiness in the future, and therefore they are ready to change themselves, their views and their habits. This is the most romantic age, thanks to which teenagers easily absorb the high ideal of love, which happens once and for a lifetime.

If a beautiful image of traditional family relationships is painted before teenagers, then when they create a family, they will strive at least a little towards this ideal. Women will try not to separate from their children under three years of age, fathers will try to take care of their sons and not place everything on women’s shoulders, etc. Although, of course, not everyone will be able to properly build all their family relationships, but there will be fewer mistakes and no There will be some very serious miscalculations. The next generation will correct even more mistakes. And so in a few generations it will be possible to change the situation for the better.

Family values ​​should be instilled from childhood

It would be good if a special subject appeared in schools, for example, “Ethics and Psychology of Family Life,” but family education can be integrated into all school subjects, especially the humanities.

What should you talk about with teenagers? First of all, it is necessary to show the difference between true love and falling in love. We already talked about this at the beginning of the book.

About man-woman relationships

We need to talk to teenagers about how to choose the right spouse. Here you can give advice to young people to choose not a husband or wife for themselves, but a father or mother for their children. “Do I want this girl to be my daughter’s mother and for my daughter to be like her?” Many people will immediately say about their girlfriend: “Oh, no, no, no! My sweet daughter should be cute, wear a long skirt, have long curly hair, have a modest demeanor and be very hardworking.” This is the kind of mother you should look for for your daughter.

We need to talk with teenagers about how the relationship between a man and a woman changes as they go through the main three stages: bride and groom, husband and wife, father and mother. The bride and groom are still strangers to each other, and therefore they hide all their shortcomings. A husband and wife are already close people, and the wife is closer than the mother, and the husband is closer than the father. And if we are not ashamed of our close relatives, then after honeymoon, the spouses are not shy about each other. In the first two to three years, spouses learn so much about each other that was previously unknown that most divorces are completed just after two to three years life together.

But even if the relationship between husband and wife is excellent, it is still far from perfect. After all, you can love each other according to the principle: “You - to me, I - to you.” True love can manifest itself only when two people learn to love a third together, that is, only when new family members appear in the family, and the spouses become father and mother.

Who is the boss in the family?

We need to talk with teenagers about who should be the head of the family, about what a man should be like to become a real head of the family, and about what a woman should be like to become a homemaker. Usually, the conversation that the husband should be the head of the family greatly offends modern girls and we have to carefully explain this problem to them. It is necessary to clearly separate two concepts – “head” and “despot”. What is the difference? Briefly, we can say this: the head is responsible for everything that happens and is to blame for everything. A despot, on the contrary, is not responsible for anything, and everyone around him is to blame.

If a person stumbles, who is to blame: the head or the leg? It's clear that it's the head. She has eyes that should look down the road, she has a mind that should choose the safer road. She has ears that listen to see if a car is driving nearby. So the husband should be such a head and be responsible for everything.

Example of family relationships

A small illustration to understand how a leader differs from a despot. A husband and wife are going on a long trip. The wife spent a long time in front of the mirror, picking out outfits; they were late for the bus and, consequently, for the train. Who is guilty? The usual answer: wife. Not true! It's my husband's fault!

See for yourself: he knew that his wife liked to spend a long time getting ready, choosing outfits. God gave him a clear mind, the ability to reason soberly and calculate everything. Why didn’t he use his abilities and didn’t think of setting the time to leave the house half an hour earlier? Why didn’t you calculate all the possible mistakes? The husband was given a strong will. Why didn't he use it? in order to tear your wife away from the mirror in time? A man is not so much carried away by feelings. Why did he succumb to feelings, was touched and touched by his beautiful wife showing off in front of the mirror? He's the only one to blame!

If the husband is the real head of the family, then he will not blame his wife for their lateness, but will blame himself for everything. The despot will yell in hysterics at his wife, who spent an extra half hour in front of the mirror and is generally to blame for all his failures.

Therefore, when the Church says that the husband is the head of the family, it is not so much a threatening reminder to a woman of her slavery as a warning to a man about what he must be like for his wife to respect him as the head. There are almost no such husbands left now, so women cannot be in the obedience that women used to have.

How to save a family: an answer to spouses

The greatest hope for restoring the family will be if both husband and wife want to save the family. This situation happens quite often when spouses want to live peacefully, but cannot create and maintain this peace in the family.

About patience

The main reason here can be called a lack of patience and humility. After all, family life is all built on patience. This is especially necessary at the beginning of family life. There are no people who are ideally suited to each other right away; at least some adjustment is always required.

Why it might be easier for believers

If the spouses are believers and often confess, then it is advisable that they have a common confessor. Having even great differences in upbringing and manners, they will be led in spiritual life by one shepherd, and thanks to this alone they will be much more like-minded than under different confessors. Confession generally helps a person understand himself and his passions. It is all the more wonderful if there is an opportunity to get advice from a priest who knows the family of the person confessing very well, knows his spouse not only externally, but also from confession. In such a situation, it is much easier for the priest to give advice, seeing not only the inner world of one of the spouses, but also knowing how this will affect the other.

Cultivating Patience

Why do we have so little patience? The reason in most cases lies, again, in childhood. Due to the loss of tradition in raising children, impatience is often cultivated from a very young age. The child is only one and a half years old, he reaches for candy, and his grandmother gives it to him. “Where should I give him candy at this age?!” - Mom is indignant. “Well, of course, he asked me himself. How can I refuse? - the grandmother makes excuses. And so over and over again the child indulges. Any (!) desire is immediately (!) fulfilled. As a result, by the age of three, the child can no longer tolerate the slightest delay in fulfilling his desires.

How to acquire humility and patience for yourself? Cultivating these virtues in oneself is one of the goals of Christian life. Therefore, a correct spiritual life always leads to these virtues.

Family hierarchy - who is in charge?

Another common reason for family breakdown: spouses do not know how to properly build a hierarchy in the family. More and more often in life we ​​encounter the femininity of men and the masculinity of women. The couple wants to save the family, but they have difficulty doing this.

The modern way of life creates a vicious circle. Women become decisive and pushy so as not to depend on men. And men, when they see too independent women, subconsciously lose all responsibility: “You don’t have to worry about her, she’s not a mistake, she won’t let herself be offended.” One parishioner, after talking with her about who is the head of the family, lamented for a long time: “All my life I have been preparing myself for an active life, to be the first in everything, to achieve everything.

My husband did not support any of my endeavors. In the garden, in the vegetable garden - I plowed everywhere alone. I always reproached him for his irresponsibility, for not empathizing with me and not caring about anything. And now I understand that it is my own fault. After all, I did not yield to him in anything, I always insisted on my own, in every detail I sought recognition that I was right.” A woman can kill the masculinity in a man with her own hands if she does not want to be feminine.

There are very rarely situations in families when only one party is to blame for the discord. Both spouses are almost always to blame. I remember the incident. The husband cheated, left the family, it would seem that everything is simple, he is bad and is to blame for everything. But often everything is much more complicated. You start talking to your husband, and it turns out that he is right in many ways and is himself partly a victim of his wife’s behavior.

About the parents of the parents

For example, a wife respects her parents very much, which in itself is not bad. But if the word of her parents is more important to her than the word of her husband, then the family collapses. If, when deciding important issues, the opinion of the parents outweighs any arguments of the husband, then this is no longer normal. And if, in addition, the spouses live in an apartment donated by the wife’s parents, then things are very bad.

Several conflicts with my wife when she takes the position of parents, several reproaches that you (the husband) live at the expense of my parents and must be grateful to them for this - and the family completely falls apart. In such a family, the head is no longer the husband, but the wife’s parents. In a proper family, from the moment the spouses sign at the registry office, for the wife, the husband’s opinion is law, and for the husband, the interests of his wife and children are above all.

About masculinity and femininity

We can safely say that a woman reveals herself in all her beauty only when she has a reliable husband next to her, behind whom she is like behind a stone wall. Otherwise, her soul begins to “turn to stone.” And a man, for his part, is transformed if a meek and caring wife is next to him. Spouses who correctly fulfill their role in the family can really change or correct the other. A man, being masculine, makes his wife feminine. A wife, being feminine, can make her husband the head of her family.

Therefore, in this situation, the main recipe for spouses will be quite simple: each return to their properties, to their role in the family. The husband should not shift the decisions of family issues onto his wife’s shoulders, and in all difficult situations he should immediately take decisions on them, without waiting for his wife’s intervention. The wife should consult with her husband more often, submit her thoughts to her husband’s judgment and approval. All this requires considerable internal effort, since it is easier to immediately build relationships in a family correctly when it is created, than to later break the already established pattern of relationships.

It is often the wives who find it most difficult to come to terms with. Firstly, advice is always useful. One head it's good, but two better. Secondly, mistrust is a sign of lack of love. And the path to restoring the family and love in it inevitably goes through trust. There is no way to bypass this stage. To believe in her husband, and even to inspire him, is a woman’s task.

One of the main callings of a woman is to be a wife, companion and helper to her husband. Without a reliable rear, not a single victory is achieved. Also in the family, almost no achievement of a man would be possible without a woman. One famous Moscow priest said the following.

Praising your wife: an example from family life

The wife of one rector of a major university told me: “He comes home, and I start praising him: “That’s how good you are, that’s how good you are.” “And he immediately somehow blossoms.” Although he seems to be a grown man, an academician, the head of a huge educational institution, the smartest person. And at the same time, he also needs to have praise from his wife. Because he does all this not only for God, not only for the state, not only for students, but also for his wife, for his family. Therefore, he definitely needs praise from his wife that the husband always relies on the family.

Indeed, the wife is not just an assistant, but also an inspirer of her husband. If the wife nags her husband, he will not live, and the man will never become either a good worker or a good owner, because all his mental strength goes into coping with the insult, overcoming his indignation. A wise wife will live with her husband’s problems, delve into everything, see everything, praise, encourage and inspire.

How to avoid a scandal

The last thing I wanted to say in this section is about the scandals and showdowns that almost inevitably arise when a family breaks up. Indeed, we want to understand a lot of things in order to correct the situation, but often the search for ways to save the family turns into a scandal with a huge number of claims pouring out on each other. In general, for the preservation of a family, it is extremely useful for at least one of the spouses to have a wonderful gift - the fear of offending the other.

One married couple was telling how they were trying to solve all their family problems. Knowing that reproach always causes a defensive reaction, they approached such an unpleasant conversation in the following way. “You know, dear, something I don’t like about myself is that I have become often irritated with you.” The reproach was uttered not to her husband, but to herself. - “Somehow I don’t like myself.” The husband does not snarl in response, but on the contrary comes into a benevolent disposition of soul, because he is asked to help understand the soul of his wife.

And during the conversation, of course, the question arises about why the wife began to get irritated, and the husband, of course, wants to improve, since this is necessary for the wife to stop disliking herself and find peace of mind. And this is not just a psychological trick, but the principled position of these spouses - I have no right to blame the other, I can only blame myself.

Scandal: forbidden phrases

As a rule, when trying to understand their relationship, spouses often end up with mutual accusations and insults. And there are the most basic rules of conversation that spouses do not follow. There are, for example, forbidden phrases: “Calm down!”, “Don’t be nervous!” etc., which in such a situation cannot be pronounced even in the calmest voice, since they only provoke a further increase in the scandal. And if completely rude words come out like: “You need to be treated!”, then even after a long time such offensive phrases will stick out like a thorn in a person’s memory and bring pain and anxiety.

By the way, the ability to forget and forgive is also the most important quality of the soul for family life. This quality is associated with humility and trust. It is always difficult for a proud person to forgive. And if we believe and trust a person, it is easy to forgive him, because you always believe that it is not he himself who creates evil, but the evil that has possessed him. And it is not the person who must be hated, but the sin that has stuck to him like dirt.

The wife wants to save the family

Let's consider a more common situation, when only one party wants to save the family, and the other openly breaks up. Everything that was said above about the lack of patience and humility, about the incorrect hierarchy of the family, applies without a doubt to these cases. Below I will try to note only what additional difficulties arise in these cases.

It seems to me that more often there is a situation when the husband goes for a divorce, and the wife tries to fight for the family. Perhaps I’m wrong, and this situation simply develops more often in the families of parishioners, who are mostly women. But still, I think that women (including non-church women) retain a greater sense of responsibility for the family due to a stronger sense of motherhood and a stronger psychological attitude towards caring for other family members. The husband is psychologically more attuned to the external protection of the family and in modern society more often loses responsibility, first for the internal climate in the family, and then for the family altogether.

Men are no longer courageous

I see male femininity as an important reason why men often leave their families. Since the post-war period, a serious change in the way of life has occurred in our society. A huge number of soldiers laid down their lives in the Great Patriotic War; instead of men, purely male professions began to be increasingly mastered by women, which was clearly facilitated by the promotion of equality between women and men.

And so male professions, such as doctor and teacher, have now become almost exclusively female. Now a boy, who from the age of three should be raised predominantly by a man, receives a huge dose of female education, a feminine style of behavior and female image thinking. Therefore, it turns out that girls and young women receive a feminine upbringing that is natural for them and more or less retain their role in the family, while men have a strong shift towards femininity. Therefore, in many ways, the departure of men from the family is not only their fault, it is rather a tragedy of our entire society and everyone is to blame for this.

Presumption of innocence for everyone

The first thing a woman should do if she wants to save her family is to honestly try to understand herself. We have a certain stereotype about the innocence of women, and the presumption of guilt of men. Because of this, it is sometimes more difficult for a woman to realize her guilt in the current situation. Above, when talking about the violation of the correct hierarchy in the family, two examples were given when, at the level of logic, a woman was right, but in fact she was not right at all.

Who is guilty? Using the example of my husband's drunkenness

This happens, for example, when a husband drinks. The husband drinks and because of this the family is falling apart. It would seem that only he is to blame. But not all husbands immediately become alcoholics after signing the registry office. To become an alcoholic, quite a lot of time must pass, and most importantly, circumstances must be created that are convenient for this passion. Such circumstances include, for example, an eternally dissatisfied wife. After all, we have already said that a wife should inspire a man. What if you constantly nag your husband? It's clear that he's just annoyed.

Here again the situation is like with a child. The more often a child is called a bully, the easier it is for him to become one after that. Firstly, he himself is already getting used to the fact that he is like this. And secondly, it’s easier. He called himself a hooligan and there is no demand from you. The parents thought of spurring the child on by calling them names so that he would prove that he was not a bully, but the effect was the opposite. At first, under the mask of a hooligan, it is simply easier for him, and then the external mask becomes an internal character.

It's the same with husbands. They nag him, nag him, call him a quitter, a lazy man, a parasite, then they insult him again, saying that he cannot really do anything, and they think that after this the husband should improve. Nothing like this! Just the opposite. Most men already have poorly developed masculine qualities, and they are finally killed. What remains after this? Only one thing: get drunk and forget.

Is it possible to change and correct an adult?

One of the biggest mistakes in family life is thinking that we can fix the other adult in the family. “What should I do with him?” - that’s the main question. But such a question is appropriate only when raising a child. A mother with a young son can do something else, but nothing can be done with her husband. Even with an older son, there is little that can be done, especially if he has already entered a transition period. And it is even more difficult to change your husband. You can’t read a moral lesson to your husband. If the relationship is spoiled, he will not listen; all his male pride will not allow him to do so.

The one who is older can teach. A husband can teach his wife as the head of the family, but a wife cannot, she can only use other methods of influence. Although there are rare cases when a wife forces her husband to improve. Some friends’ husbands stopped drinking only after his wife said: “Either you stop drinking or we get a divorce.” But here the situation is such that the husband does this to save the family, and we are considering a case where the husband openly breaks up.

The correct way to ask a question for a woman

The question in this case must be posed not this way: “What should I do with it?”, but in a different way: “ What should I do with myself to create conditions for preserving my family?“After all, sometimes it’s not easy to save a family even if both are trying to do it. And if one wants to save the family, and the other doesn’t, then there is no way to make the other want it. He is a free man.

Therefore, the first thing a woman should do in this case is her own repentance and correction. The wife must remove all obstacles from her husband’s path to repentance, who is clearly spiritually weak, for only a person spiritually far from God can step over his family.

There are also cases when a wife really behaves ideally and does not give the slightest “reason for those who seek a reason” (2 Cor. 11, 12). But this does not guarantee the preservation of the family. Therefore, the second thing a wife should do is pray for her husband. For only God can touch the hardened heart of man. It is possible that the heart will soften only after serious trials and sorrows.

Let us remember how Pharaoh’s heart softened during the flight of Israel from Egypt - only after terrible disasters. I remember two families where peace was restored only after a mortal threat to the husband's life. Only a severe illness could shake a man so much that he understood what his wife, who did not leave him at that moment, meant to him.

Prayer for family

How should you pray? Pray heartily. Since prayer from the heart is a rare gift, at least do it carefully.

It's better to pray constantly. Even if the prayer is not very long, it is said constantly, for example, every day in morning or evening prayers. It would not be entirely correct to pray according to the principle: “Now it’s empty, now it’s thick.” With a special emotional upsurge, you can read a lot of prayers, but then, due to an unreasonably large number of prayers, this upsurge will quickly fade away, and we won’t pray at all.

What prayers should I read? You can read any prayers that are appropriate in this case. God does not look at the specific words of our prayer, but at our need, because of which these prayers are said. If you don’t find any, then you can say the simplest prayer, for example, “Virgin Mother of God, rejoice...”, or “Our Father...”, or “Heavenly King...”

Depending on your diligence, they can be pronounced several times. Make it a rule, for example, after evening prayers to read the prayers “Virgin Mother of God, rejoice...” an additional twelve times for your family. Every day, drop by drop, and in the eyes of God this may already be a real trickle of our unceasing prayers. Who should you pray to? You can pray to any saint, because he will then pray for you before God, all prayers will reach God.

How long should a woman endure? And should it?

The last thing I wanted to note in this situation is the following. A woman may have a question: “What does it mean to “clear the road”? Why should I now endure everything from my husband? And bullying as well?” It is impossible to give a clear answer to this question. I would answer this way: the woman herself must decide what measure of patience is useful for her husband and saving for her. To do this, I would advise a woman to ask herself this question. “And if I had endured this not from my husband, but from my son, would I have endured it?”

Whatever a woman endures from her adult son, she must also endure from her husband. If a son is rude to his mother, but she feels that she is to blame for raising him this way, then she must endure it, at least in a salutary way. If the son behaves impermissibly impudently, but this is in no way caused by the mother’s mistakes, then we need to look carefully and reason.

If the mother’s patience and humility acts on her son as admonition, then again he must endure. If this makes the son even more unhinged, then you can part with such a son. But in any case, the wife should pray to God to admonish her. All situations, with all their features, cannot be described; only the voice of God in the heart can show the right path.

The husband wants to save the family

It is difficult when the husband, the head of the family, does not want to fight to preserve it, and only the wife makes all the efforts. But, it seems to me, the situation is even more difficult when it is not the husband, but the wife herself who provokes the divorce and wants to leave her husband. This situation is more difficult because, as mentioned above, women still retain more of their attachment to the family. And for this attachment to be destroyed, it means that too serious changes have occurred in the woman’s soul. Although, of course, men can be partly justified by their feminine upbringing, and women can be justified by the fact that their life provokes them to be more like men. But still, a woman is tied to her family by many more strings than men, which means she needs to break them more in her soul. It’s one thing if a wife leaves her husband who is an alcoholic or a cheater, but it’s another thing when the husband doesn’t drink, doesn’t cheat, and wants to save the family, but his wife leaves him.

Patience, humility, prayers

I repeat again that everything that was said about the situation about the lack of patience and humility of the spouses, about the incorrect hierarchy of the family, everything applies here. Everything that was said about the fact that you cannot correct another person by force also applies here. Therefore, a husband must acquire both patience and humility. The husband must restore the correct hierarchy in the family. A husband should not so much correct his wife as correct himself and pray for his wife.

Restore hierarchy in the family

But it’s easy to say “restore the correct family hierarchy,” but it’s extremely difficult to do it. It is easy for a wife to restore the correct hierarchy in the family. It is enough for her to humble herself before her husband. True, this is not easy either, but the problem here is only in the woman herself. How can a husband restore the correct hierarchy? Humble your wife? This is impossible if the person himself does not want it.

Therefore, the case when a wife is a “businesswoman” who has achieved some success, has grown in the eyes of society, and most importantly has grown in her own eyes, and her husband already seems somehow undignified for her new position - this case is probably almost impossible to correct. The family inevitably falls apart.

There is probably another option - when a wife leaves the family because of a passionate love interest. One such incident is quite instructive for husbands who want to save their family.

Adultery and true love

A woman told me the story of her betrayal before her wedding to her husband. After several years of living together, when the usual gray everyday life began, she met a man. A strong passion began. Intellectually, she understood that her husband was a wonderful man, that she had a daughter, but she did not hear the voice of her mind. The husband began to guess that something was wrong in the family. “I felt like I didn’t belong myself. I understood that my family could collapse, but I couldn’t stop myself. I was drawn to that man, I was irritated with my husband, but I couldn’t cope with myself.

Only my husband saved me from all this obsession. He didn’t make a fuss, didn’t shout, he tried to help me understand myself. And at one moment, suddenly everything fell into place, I realized that no one understands me as much as my husband, that he understands me even better than me, and it became scary to exchange him for another stranger.”

It was an amazing story about how true love can work miracles. Only a truly loving person can separate serious sin from the person himself and continue to love despite betrayal.

How to save a family: an answer to relatives

Sometimes the question of preserving the family is asked not by the spouses themselves, but by their relatives, primarily mothers. In this case, mothers can be given three pieces of advice.

First. We must always remember that the repentance of another person at our request is almost impossible. Therefore, prayer remains the most effective means to correct the situation. We have already talked about this. No amount of denunciation and accusations, as a rule, not only does not help, but also intensifies the situation.

Second. If we see that one of the spouses is wrong, and we want to help correct family relationships, nevertheless We must try never to interfere in the family relationships of our children. You can console, you can feel sorry for, you can sympathize, but not interfere, pushing one of the spouses to take any action. The relationship between spouses whose family is falling apart can be so complicated that any unnecessary interference will confuse everything even more. None of the relatives can know all the subtleties in the relationship between spouses. And giving advice without understanding the situation is very dangerous.

Third. If we still want to give advice, then we need to check ourselves ten times: “Am I acting out of passion, do I have a preconceived opinion?” Only those who truly love can give advice. “Really” means, by the way, unbiased. To test yourself, you need to take the position of someone else’s child: not your daughter, but your son-in-law, not your son, but your daughter-in-law. And we must try to assess the situation from their bell tower.

And it is better to give advice to your children, while always justifying your son-in-law or daughter-in-law, and not your children, and always persuading them to forgive and reconcile. Not a single accusatory word should be uttered against a son-in-law or daughter-in-law.

Often with the question “How to save a family?” people turn to priests. In this case, those who ask the question must remember that there is such a thing as “young age.” Young age is when an inexperienced priest takes on the role of an old man who can decide with his power the destinies of other people.

If the priest is inexperienced

I will list several obvious mistakes that should warn people that they have found themselves in the hands of a young man and that they must be very careful about his words.

First of all, there should be no unnecessary interference by the priest in a person’s personal life, and especially in the intimate part of family relationships. If the person himself does not touch upon this topic during confession, the priest should not be interested in this side of life and interfere with it. A priest can touch on this topic only if someone himself asks the priest for advice in this area. But even in this case, the advice must be extremely balanced.

Prohibitions on remarrying

For example, there are priests who prohibit second marriage. In the “Fundamentals of the Social Concept of the Russian Orthodox Church” this issue is addressed as follows.

The Holy Synod of the Russian Orthodox Church, in its Resolution dated December 28, 1998, condemned the actions of those confessors who “prohibit their spiritual children from entering into a second marriage on the grounds that a second marriage is allegedly condemned by the Church; prohibit married couples from divorcing in cases where, due to certain circumstances, family life becomes impossible for the spouses.”

At the same time, the Holy Synod decided to “remind pastors that in its attitude towards second marriage, the Orthodox Church is guided by the words of the Apostle Paul: ‘Are you united with your wife? Don't look for a divorce. Are you left without a wife? Don't look for a wife. However, even if you get married, you will not sin; and if a girl marries, she will not sin... A wife is bound by the law as long as her husband lives; if her husband dies, she is free to marry whomever she wants, only in the Lord’ (1 Cor. 7:27-28,39).”

About intimate relationships

Another example of the unreasonable behavior of confessors is the disdain for the body or sexual intimacy as such, for the bodily relations of a man and a woman are blessed by God in marriage, where they become the source of the continuation of the human race and express chaste love, complete community, “unanimity of souls and bodies” of the spouses, about which the Church prays in the rite of marriage.

Sometimes you come across cases where a priest says to his spiritual children, registered in the registry office: “Either get married, or don’t live with your husband, otherwise you will live in fornication.” If this is said to spouses who both go to church, this is at least somehow understandable, since for a church couple to live without marriage is a serious sin.

What if one of the spouses is an unbeliever and does not want to get married? The “Fundamentals of the Social Concept” clearly states that the Church respects legal marriage entered into according to secular laws. Calling such a marriage fornication is in no way acceptable. The case of a so-called “civil marriage” can be called prodigal cohabitation, when there is not even a signature in the registry office. Moreover, one cannot demand entry into a church marriage under the threat of having to otherwise not have marital intimacy with one’s husband.

Such demands are a gross abuse of priestly authority over the parishioners. If a wife comes home and tells her unbelieving husband that either they will get married or they will not sleep together, then normal family relationships are almost inevitably destroyed. And the blame for the destruction will lie both on the young priest and on the wife who declares such things to her husband.

Wedding without painting in the registry office

It is absolutely not possible to perform a wedding without painting in the registry office. Usually young couples often come up and ask if it is possible to get married without painting. Like, what is a painting - a piece of paper, a stamp in a passport, but a wedding is a marriage made in heaven. If a person does not want to accept the smaller obligations that arise after the wedding, then what can we say about the greater responsibilities that arise after the wedding.

Such requests for a wedding without painting are simply a desire to celebrate the wedding beautifully, but without taking on any legal obligations. As soon as a person puts a stamp in his passport, some kind of responsibility immediately appears.

Is it possible to sign the post? Is it possible to conceive a child during fasting?

Another sign of a young man is the spread of some unhealthy ideas. For example, they support the opinion that spouses suffer because they signed during fasting, or because a child was conceived during fasting. And the poor parishioners begin to look for Easter tables in order to count all this in Lent or not. But in fact, if people in their youth were not churchgoers and signed up for fasting, and conceived a child during fasting, then the Lord will not hold this against them as a sin, since they did it unconsciously. But if a church person does this, then this is a serious sin, since the person consciously goes against church customs and God’s commandments.

Sin of despondency

Despite the fact that the situation with families in Russia is depressing, nevertheless, I would not want us to be filled with a spirit of despondency. has great destructive power. Revival is possible only where there is faith, hope and love.

Hope for the future

I’ll give you a story from a female psychologist who fills me with hope for the future. A woman taught classes to a group of five-year-old children. We read the fairy tale “The Bunny’s Hut,” in which the bunny let the fox into his hut, and she drove him away.

After the lesson, the psychologist asks one girl: “Do you think the fox is good?” - “No, she deceived the bunny, she is cunning and deceives everyone.” This is the first level of our soul - those thoughts that we are aware of in ourselves. At this level, the girl repeated what she heard from adults: lying is not good.

After five minutes of confidential conversation, the psychologist asks: “Which of the animals do you like best?” - “Fox.” - "And why?" “She is cunning and dexterous, that’s why everything works out for her.” “Has cunning ever helped you?” - “Yes, I once ate candy, and when they were looking for the culprit, I said that my brother did it, and I didn’t get it.” This is the second level of the soul - subconscious, because what the girl said was not realized by her, and was said only after a confidential conversation in which the psychologist “brought out” some of the child’s inclinations. At this level, it is revealed that the girl sympathizes with the fox, and can be cunning and deceive, like the fox.

But there is a deeper level of the soul. “What did you do when your brother was punished?” - “I watched cartoons and played with toys.” - “Which ones?” - "I do not remember". - “Did you have fun?” - “No, it’s sad.” - "From what?" - “I felt sorry for my brother.” This is the third level - conscience, in which the girl understands that her cunning never saved her from punishment at all, because she is still tormented. This level of the soul remains pure in most children, although it is overwhelmed from above with all sorts of false attitudes and passions at the level of consciousness and subconscious.

Although it is possible to process our brains and the brains of our children, there is a depth that is very difficult to process. Therefore, it is not surprising that when in conversations I had to talk with teenagers about the warrior Yevgeny Rodionov, who in Chechen captivity refused to take off his cross, for which he was cruelly tortured, the most hooligan classes suddenly froze and caught every word with amazing attention. Although their souls are polluted by completely different heroes: Spider-Man, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, The Simpsons, etc., this does not find the same resonance in their souls as a story about true heroism.

Shugaev Ilia, priest

In reality, people break up not because someone in a couple does not match their partner’s horoscope or says few compliments. As research by Paul Amato and Denise Previti shows, the reasons are usually completely different.

There have been a lot of articles in the “Self-Help” genre lately, but home-grown advisers and “specialists” sometimes advise us on what we should not do under any circumstances. Especially when it comes to family relationships.

In reality, people break up not because someone in a couple does not match their partner’s horoscope or says few compliments. As research by Paul Amato and Denise Previti shows, the reasons are usually quite different. 21.6% of marriages break up due to the infidelity of one of the partners, 19.2% - due to psychological incompatibility, 10.6% - due to the fact that one of the partners uses alcohol or drugs, 9.6% - due to the fact that the partners are moving away from each other. Physical or psychological violence causes divorce in 5.8% and 4.3%, respectively.

Researcher John Gottman tells Psychology Today that the basis of everything is our habits. And there are at least five “toxic” habits that lead to the breakup of partners who once loved each other. These are the habits.

Regular accusations

This phenomenon in psychology is called “casual attribution”: this is when one of the partners associates any problems in the family with the personal characteristics of the other. “You never listen,” “You’re always too busy,” or “That’s just so typical of you.”

The work of Frank Finchman and Thomas Bradbury shows that most stable marriages fail because of such generalizations and personalizations. The habit of linking every problem with the partner’s character traits quickly leads to emotional detachment.

The first sign that this is inherent in your couple is the inability, for example, to act in a coordinated manner on the road. A driver-husband, for example, asks a passenger-wife to look at the map and tell him where to turn. At a certain moment, both realize that they are going in the wrong direction. The husband immediately begins to accuse his wife of being “so stupid that she can’t figure out the map,” and she furiously replies that the husband is an idiot himself, and she explained everything correctly. In general, a GPS navigator can undermine any relationship and very often becomes the cause of a quarrel.

Inability to talk

If a situation irritates one of the partners and he refuses to discuss it, this can become a big problem. First she asks him a question. He sulks and doesn't answer. She then raises her voice and he stands up and says, “I’m tired of your tantrums. I'm leaving". And leaves the room.

This pattern is quite common and its repetition can be a good predictor of marital dissatisfaction, depression, divorce, or even physical abuse. This is one of the most common models of behavior: the husband complains about the “eternal whining” of his wife, and she, in turn, feels that she has ceased to be interesting to her husband.

If the situation repeats itself frequently, the marriage will almost certainly fall apart.

No sharing of stories

Arthur Aron's famous research shows that telling stories from everyday life and asking questions is an important part of being committed to a relationship. If a husband and wife stop sharing stories about work or relationships with friends, the marriage is dead.

The worst thing is that this happens more and more often - electronic gadgets are to blame. The success of a marriage is when the parties show interest and care for each other. If you stop paying attention to what is happening in your spouse's life, your marriage is definitely in trouble.

Forgiveness is only in words

Verbal statements of forgiveness may not be true. The words “I forgive you” often signal that no one has truly forgiven anyone, and in any subsequent confrontation this resentment will come to the surface. It seems to the offender that his partner does not know how to forgive at all, and to the “victim” it seems that his partner constantly does nothing but look for shortcomings. If one of the family members does not know how to forgive at all, the relationship will be difficult. Or they will fall apart, which is even more likely.

Incorrect distribution of responsibilities

A very common situation: the husband goes to work, and the wife takes care of household chores and children. The first one thinks that life is harder for him, the second suffers from loneliness, poor self-esteem and constantly feels that she is very overloaded, but no one appreciates this. Both criticize each other for laziness and for not coping well with their responsibilities.

Strictly speaking, there is no problem in the wife doing a little freelance work and the husband washing the dishes after himself. But “patterns”, often adopted from parents, can destroy a marriage.

The universal law consists of one simple wisdom - do not do bad to others, so that they do not do bad to you, but to this you can safely add “And so as not to worsen your karma.”

Betrayal is considered one of the worst karmic acts - the karma of a man who abandoned his family is very negative, because he caused a woman a lot of pain and suffering. And therefore, retribution for such an indecent act will inevitably overtake him, and when, it seemed, everything had long been forgotten - these are the laws of the world.

What happens to karma when your husband betrays you?

“The laws of karma (as opposed to legislation) cannot be circumvented. If you try to evade karmic duties, they will overtake you and force you to fulfill your duty in a more stringent and even; ugly form. You will suffer, but the Universe will force you to put out the energy that it needs in its Great Development (but if your soul is in harmony with its karmic tasks, then most likely you will be happy)"

The meaning of family is to protect each other, give love and kindness, and continue the family line in an atmosphere of comfort and spiritual harmony. This is one of the most important tasks of any person. Alas, modern life is leaving its mark - now it has become fashionable to leave your wife with small children, you don’t really care about feelings loved one, give up on everything and think only about yourself.

But, according to karmic laws, such an act is completely negative; it greatly worsens a man’s karma, and also deprives him of the opportunity to be loved in the future.

In general, a person’s karma is made up precisely of his actions - good ones improve the aura, make our destiny cleaner and more joyful, but bad actions entail cruel retribution and life lessons that will have to be worked out and learned against one’s will.

Since in marriage a man takes on the role of breadwinner and strengths, he has a lot of responsibility. Today's gentlemen do not always cope with this and prefer to simply run away, leaving the woman alone, without help and support.

That is, men personally deny their direct destiny to be the protector and head of the family. The Universe reads this and... really deprives a man of all his advantages, and sometimes even sexual power.

“A man’s karma in the most general terms is the opportunity and obligation to be a creator, a builder, a mover of humanity. A man who actively breaks through the darkness of the unknown is a fighter, an invader of new spaces, new knowledge, new perfection. He is a Man, and a lot can be forgiven for him. A woman’s karma is to be everything that will provide Man (and Humanity) with movement, development, construction and perfection. Apparently, this task is a little more difficult, so a woman is initially given a little more of everything: a little more opportunities and a little more responsibilities, a little more potential strength and a little more problems, a little more intuition and a little more tests for the soul.”

From the book “Woman’s Karma, Man’s Karma”

The karma of those men who abandon their small children is especially denigrated - such an offense will entail real retribution, from which it will not be possible to get rid of it. Not only does a man leave his family, he deprives a defenseless creature of his love and care, literally abandons him, although he himself brought him into the world.

The more suffering and pain such an act brings to loved ones, the more powerful the karmic retribution will be. The suffering of small children completely denigrates her to such a state that sometimes she has to pay karmic bills in subsequent lives.

The whole horror of this is that the child cannot imagine why his father abandoned him, he considered him something permanent, one of the closest people, and therefore the sudden father’s departure forever distorts the child’s fate.

It is for this reason that many of those who abandoned their families subsequently lead a far from happy life, and this only gets worse over the years, it grows - karma comes into play. Men leave for a variety of reasons, but if this departure was not motivated by weighty arguments (for example, if the wife cheated or treats her husband badly), then this will definitely worsen karma.

Although many representatives of the stronger sex sincerely believe that this is their personal right: if I want, I’ll get married, if I want, I’ll get a divorce. But that's not true. You do not have the right to take responsibility for another person and create an alliance with him, only to end up simply destroying it and leaving your partner alone with his pain.

If you are not ready to be with one woman all your life, give birth to children and put them on their feet, taking care of them, then it is better not to start a family.

“The karmic task of a man is the exploration of the World, the divine penetration of the soul into the densest matter of the Universe. A man is exploring new lands and spaces. He boldly goes into the unknown. In the territory reclaimed from Eternity, he builds beautiful castles and cultivates sprouts that will feed new generations of builders and explorers. He is a doer and creator. And it doesn’t matter what a man does: sows grain, builds cities and ships, discovers new laws of the physical world or the subtle world of the human psyche, improves technology, provides people with the comfort of earthly existence, etc. - the main thing is that he does it as could be more thorough. Everything that a man builds must serve the Harmony of the World. And if this is so, then the man fulfills his main karmic task. He is a doer. He is a ray of sunshine penetrating the dense matter of our world. He fills everything he touches with the light of intelligence. He is a logician. He learns the laws of Nature and puts them at the service of reason. He tames the wild beast named Chaos, he brings order to life. He is a creator and builder"

From the book “Woman’s Karma, Man’s Karma”

In fact, this quote makes it clear how far modern men are from their primary task, from their own essence. Denying his main tasks and his purpose, a man seems to send a signal into space: “I don’t want to be a man, I don’t like it, I can’t cope with my earthly responsibilities.”

In the future, the fate of the one who abandoned his family and caused her a lot of pain is completely unseemly: many of those who abandoned their wives and children begin to drink and slide downhill. It’s as if they have no place in this world; they begin to have difficulties with work, difficulties in the sexual sphere and in their personal lives. This is karma.

Does a wife feel the pain of an abandoned husband: a woman’s karma

“A woman herself is called upon to give birth to life, apparently, therefore all the contradictions of life are concentrated in her literally in an exaggerated form! Men wouldn’t even dream of such problems in their nightmares.”

From the book “Woman’s Karma, Man’s Karma”

In fact, women now leave just as often as men. And although the fair sex does not have such amazing karmic tasks as a man, there still remains something that negatively affects women’s karma - this is the pain and moral torment that the abandoned man experiences.

Naturally, even after former feelings have cooled or disappeared, people for some time remain connected to each other by invisible threads. Many women ask: can an ex-wife feel the feelings of an abandoned spouse? Everything here is individual, because spiritual development and esoteric abilities are different for all of us.

If the love between you was strong, and you are good at understanding people, you have a certain gift from nature, then you will feel unclear experiences at a time when the abandoned man will suffer most acutely. For other women, this passes completely without a trace: they feel nothing or are even in a kind of euphoric state from their newfound freedom.

But do not forget about karmic retribution - if you left a man who did not deserve such a fate, then you doomed yourself to work off this in later life.

In addition, such actions have a reverse, mirror side - according to the teachings of karma, over time the same evil that you caused to someone in the past will await you. But only amplified several times so that you repent of what you have done and understand what pain you made your loyal party feel.

“And the woman? The woman herself is like a part of matter, a part of divine Nature, which is touched by a sunbeam. In any case, she is closer to matter and therefore can help a man understand matter, or rather, feel it. A wise woman is like a guide who helps a man’s ray of light penetrate into the very depths of matter. She is like a lens that can scatter a ray that is too harsh, soften its radiance, or, on the contrary, can collect and concentrate a ray of male light for more subtle and precise work. We can say that a woman is a cell of the body of the Primordial Deity. She is intuitive and sensitive. A man is a spark of the Divine Mind, striving to understand his body."

From the book “Woman’s Karma, Man’s Karma”

We can conclude that a man cannot have a full life without a woman, just like vice versa. Initially, both of these matters - male and female - are designed to merge together, this allows the couple to achieve unprecedented success, support each other in everything and create an ideal family life in which everyone feels good and comfortable.

When a woman leaves a man, she also deprives him of an important part, without which it becomes very difficult for him. To some extent, the departure of a wife from the family can break the future life of the abandoned spouse if he loses his strength and self-confidence.

And in this case, alas, karma ex-wife or companion will also worsen. After all, each of us has quite obvious tasks in this world, and an unjustified separation can cause acute pain comparable to physical pain - as if a piece of a person’s body was cut off alive. And this, naturally, is a bad karmic act.

For this reason, the karma of a man who abandoned his family and the karma of a woman who left her companion are in many ways similar. And it would be a mistake to believe that a woman will have to pay less for karmic debts in the future, and a man will have to pay more. Here, rather, secondary factors play a role - for example, the weak half of humanity prefers to leave their husbands only for good reasons– when the husband cheats, drinks or engages in assault.

Naturally, in such situations there is no need to talk about any karma; the man deserves it. But the stronger sex is more often guided by a base instinct - to leave the family because it’s hard, because children interfere with their career, because their wife’s figure has deteriorated and she is no longer beautiful. And it is in such cases that we begin to talk about betrayal, about a bad deed, and about the fact that karmic retribution will await the person.