What to do if a child manipulates crying. The dog and the tail: who wags whom and what to do if a child manipulates his parents? Intimidation and suspicion

Ekaterina Morozova

Reading time: 8 minutes

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Many mothers know firsthand about children's demonstrative tantrums. Of course, we are not talking about situations when the baby is sick, upset, or simply misses parental attention. We talk about little manipulators and what to do for parents who are “backed into a corner.”

The most favorite techniques of child manipulators - how does a child manipulate adults?

Not all children tend to throw manipulative tantrums. As a rule, only those children who used to being the center of attention and get everything you want on a platter.

Such hysteria is always expressed violently, and many parents forced to compromise or even give up and give in. Especially when it happens in public.

So, In what form does the “terrorism” of small manipulators usually manifest itself?

• Hyperactivity (not to be confused with hyperactivity caused by psychological reasons)
  The child turns into a “jet plane”: he fits into every nightstand, flies around the apartment, knocks over everything, stomps his feet, screams, etc. In general, the more noise, the better. And even my mother’s shout is already attention. And then you can make demands, because the mother will do everything so that “the child does not cry” and calms down.
• Demonstrative absent-mindedness and lack of independence
  The child is excellent at brushing his teeth, combing his hair, tying shoelaces, and collecting toys. But in front of his mother, he plays the helpless baby, categorically not wanting to do anything or doing it deliberately slowly. This is one of the most “popular” manipulations, the reason for which is the overprotection of parents.
• Soreness, injury
  This is also a common children’s trick: the mother looks in horror at the thermometer heated on the radiator, urgently puts him to bed, feeds him delicious jam and reads fairy tales, without leaving a single step from the “sick” little one. Or he kisses a light scratch on the child’s leg and carries him 2 km in his arms, because “I can’t walk, it hurts, my legs are tired, etc.”
  So that your baby doesn’t have to deceive you, spend more time with him. If a child feels that he is loved and that he is important, then the need for such performances simply disappears for him. A dangerous situation can arise if such performances are encouraged - one day the child may actually injure himself so that they will finally pay attention to him.
  What to do? Contact a doctor immediately as soon as your child declares an illness or injury (do not scare doctors, just contact them). Children of doctors and do not like injections, so the “cunning plan” will immediately be revealed. Or the disease will be detected in a timely manner and treated.
• Tears, hysterics
  A very effective method, especially if used in public. There, mom definitely won’t be able to refuse anything, because she’ll be afraid of being judged by passers-by. So we boldly fall to the ground, knock our legs, scream, swear, “You don’t love me!” etc. If this situation is familiar to you, it means that your child has already learned the rule that “mom can be controlled with hysterics.”
• “It’s not my fault!”
  This is a cat, brother, neighbor, classmate, etc. By shifting the blame onto another, the child tries to avoid punishment. In the future, this may deprive the child of his friends and basic respect. Therefore, never shout or scold your child for misbehavior and mischief. Let your child be sure that he can confess everything to you. Then he will not have any fear of punishment. And after he confesses, be sure to praise the child for his honesty and calmly explain why his trick is not good.
• Aggression, irritability
  And all this in order to make the wish come true for another batch of soap bubbles, another doll, ice cream in the middle of winter, etc.
  Do not pay attention to the behavior of your little manipulator, be adamant and unperturbed. If the “audience” does not react, then the actor will have to leave the stage and do something more useful.

Manipulating a child is not just a matter of “straining the nerves” of parents, it is also very serious negative attitude towards the future for a child. Therefore, learn to communicate with your child in such a way that he does not have to resort to manipulation.

And if this has already happened, eradicate it immediately so that manipulation have not become a habit or way of life .

What to do when a child manipulates his parents - learn to tame the little manipulator!

• Is this the first time your child has thrown a tantrum in a public place?
  Ignore this hysteria. Step aside, demonstratively distract yourself with something, or distract the child with something so that he forgets about his hysteria. Having succumbed to manipulation once, you will be doomed to fight hysterics constantly.
• Did your child throw a tantrum at home?
  First of all, ask all relatives who are “spectators” to leave the room, or leave yourself with the child. Gather yourself internally, count to 10, strictly, calmly and confidently explain to your child why you cannot do as he demands. No matter how much the child screams or becomes hysterical, do not succumb to provocations, do not deviate from your demand. As soon as the baby calms down, hug him, tell him how much you love him, and explain why his behavior is unacceptable. The hysteria repeated? Repeat the entire cycle again. Only when the baby understands that nothing can be achieved with hysteria will he stop using them.
• "I want, I want, I want..."
  It is a well-known technique for children to put pressure on their parents and do things their way, despite everything. Stand your ground. Your “mantra” should remain the same - “homework first, then the computer” or “first put away the toys, then go to the swing.”
  If a child continues to put pressure on you with hysterics or other methods of manipulation, and you have banned him from the computer for 3 days as punishment, stick to these 3 days, no matter what. If you give up, consider that the “battle” is lost. The child must know that your word and position are ironclad.
• Lies and little lies “for salvation”
  Maintain a trusting relationship with your child. The child should trust you 100 percent, the child should not be afraid of you. Only then will the child’s small and big lies (for any purpose) pass you by.
• Behavior to spite mom
  Demonstratively untidy toys, ignoring your requests, returning home late when you ask “to be at 8!” etc. This is how the child expresses his protest and shows that he won in this “battle”. Don't get rowdy, don't shout, don't swear - it's useless. Start with a heart-to-heart conversation. It didn’t help - we turned on restrictions on the phone, computer, walks, etc. Again in vain? Change the way you communicate with your child: get him interested in a new hobby, find something he has an interest in, spend as much time with him as possible. Look for an approach to your child, cutting off the carrot and stick method in favor of constructive dialogue and compromise.
• “Give me the computer! I won't do my homework! I won't wash my face! I want a computer, that’s all!”
  The situation is probably familiar to many (in different variations, but for modern children, alas, it is becoming very common). What to do? Be smarter. Let the child play enough, and at night calmly take the equipment and hide it (give it to the neighbors for safekeeping). Then tell your child that the computer broke down and had to be taken to be repaired. Repairs are known to take a very long time. And during this time you can have time to switch the child’s attention to more realistic activities.
• Is your baby tormenting you and your neighbors with screams, kicking his legs, rolling on the floor and throwing toys?
  Take him in your arms, open the window and, together with the baby, throw these vile “capricious children” out into the street. The child will enjoy the game, and the hysteria will go away on its own. It is much easier to distract a toddler from hysterics than a teenager. And it is at this age that the truth must be reinforced in the child - “you can’t achieve anything with whims and hysterics.”
• Playing on parents' feelings or emotional blackmail
  This usually applies to teenagers. The teenager shows with all his appearance that if mom (dad) does not fulfill his demands, then the teenager will feel bad, sad, hurt and in general “life is over, no one understands me, no one needs me here.” Ask yourself: will your child actually be happier if you make concessions? And won't this become a habit for your child? And won’t your concessions affect the child’s development as a member of society? Your task is to convey to the child that life is not only a “want”, but also a “need”. That you always have to give up something, look for a compromise on something, put up with something. And the sooner a child understands this, the easier it will be for him to adapt in adulthood.
• “You are ruining my life!”, “There is no point in living when you don’t understand me!” - this is already more serious blackmail, and cannot be ignored
  If a child throws out such words because you didn’t let him go to a bench in the yard with his friends and forced him to do his homework, stand your ground. First lessons, then friends. If the situation is really serious, then allow the teenager to do as he wants. Give him freedom. And be there (psychologically) to support him when he “falls.” Sometimes it is easier to let a child make a mistake than to prove to him that he is wrong.
• The child defiantly moves away
  He doesn’t make contact, doesn’t want to talk, locks himself in the room, etc. This is also one of the children’s manipulation strategies that requires a solution. First of all, establish the reason for the child’s behavior. It is possible that the situation is more serious than you think. If there are no serious reasons, and the child simply uses this method of “pressure,” give him the opportunity to “ignore” you as long as his patience lasts. Demonstrate that no emotions, tricks or manipulations can cancel the child’s responsibilities - clean up after himself, wash, do homework, be on time, etc.

Mistakes parents make when communicating with manipulative children - what not to do and say?

• Don't let the situation get worse. Teach your child to negotiate and seek compromise, do not cherish his manipulative behavior.
• Don't blame yourself for being "tough" when a child cries in the middle of the street after not receiving the next batch of cars. This is not cruelty - it is part of the educational process.
• Do not swear, do not shout, and do not use physical force under any circumstances - no slaps, slaps on the head or screams of “well, I’m right for you!” Calmness and confidence are your main parenting tools in this situation.
  If the hysteria is repeated, it means that persuasion is not working - be tough. The moment of truth is not always pleasant, and the baby must understand and remember this.
• Don't give long lectures about "good and bad". Firmly state your position, clearly formulate the reason for refusing the child’s request, and stick to the chosen path.
• Do not allow a situation where a child falls asleep after a quarrel without making peace with you. A child should go to bed and go to school in a state of absolute calm and awareness that his mother loves him and everything is fine.
• Do not demand from your child what you cannot do yourself. If you smoke, do not ask your teenager to quit smoking. If you don't particularly like cleaning, don't ask your child to put away toys. Teach your child by example.
• Do not limit your child in anything and everything. Give him at least a little freedom of choice. For example, what kind of blouse does he want to wear, what side dish does he want for lunch, where does he want to go, etc.
• Don't let your child ignore your own needs. Teach him to take into account your needs and desires. And also try to take into account the child’s wishes.

And most importantly, don’t ignore your child. . After the incident is over, be sure to kiss and hug your child. Having set the boundaries of behavior for your child, do not move away from him!

Have you ever had to find an approach to a manipulative child? Share your parenting experiences in the comments below!

Every day, the baby studies not only the objects around him, but also the behavior of other people. Children are very observant and easily recognize the weaknesses of adults. The child remembers well when parents stop being categorical and consistent on certain issues and then masterfully takes advantage of this. “Yesterday my mother allowed me to watch a cartoon at night, maybe today she will allow me,” the kid thinks before going hysterical. What is the reason for this child’s behavior? How to deal with a manipulative child and how to prevent this problem from occurring? This article will help parents correct their children's behavior.

Little manipulator: psychology of child behavior

To achieve your goals baby manipulator can use various methods: crying, lying, flattery, excuses, etc. After yet another child’s tantrum, parents often capitulate and fulfill the toddler’s request. Having achieved what he wanted several times, the child realizes the effectiveness of his methods and begins to use them again and again.

In the first years of life, the baby gets what he wants with the help of crying. And this is not manipulation at all, as many adults think. Often grandmothers advise not to buy into the baby’s plaintive calls: “let him cry and calm down.” Some psychology books say that the little toddler is cunning; by reacting to his crying, you allow the baby to manipulate you. Such incorrect information can be found all the time these days. And a little person only informs adults about his natural physiological or emotional needs, because he has no other way to ask his mother to feed him or change his diaper.

Whims and hysterics are not always manipulation. Children will experience growing up crises more than once in their lives, which are accompanied by various behavioral difficulties. Such periods are temporary and natural for every child.

IMPORTANT! In order to raise an emotionally healthy person, maintain a friendly atmosphere in the family.

It’s another matter when the manipulation is already conscious and directed. “Mom didn’t buy a toy yesterday, but today I cried in the store, and she couldn’t refuse me,” the baby thinks. Having tried this method several times, the grown-up child realizes its effectiveness. The older the baby gets, the more his methods of influencing his parents improve. If earlier he used hysteria, then at this time he can resort to threats, flattery, simulation and even aggression.

Manipulative child: what to do

We have prepared for you some useful tips that will help you correct the behavior of a manipulative child and prevent such a problem from occurring in time.

• If once again the baby throws a tantrum - under no circumstances do not use, do not raise your voice, this may make the situation even worse. It makes no sense to explain anything to a child in such a state. Wait until the tantrum ends and talk to your child in a calm tone.
• Don't forget to tell your child about your love. Quite often, adults are silent about their feelings, believing that children already know about them. But any child needs to feel needed, to hear that he is loved, no matter what the circumstances.
• Do not make concessions, be firm in your convictions. Today you are in a good mood or you don’t want to explain anything to your child and argue with him, and you turn a blind eye to his next emotional pressure and do what you want? Be prepared for the fact that if you once follow your child’s lead, he will resort to such methods more than once. It is important to be firm in your beliefs, regardless of the circumstances.

• Remember: all family members must adhere to the same principles of education. If mom and dad prohibit, but grandmother allows, naturally, the child will have a feeling of confusion and misunderstanding: “since one of the adults is not against it, then this is not such a categorical prohibition.”
• Day after day build trusting relationships with a toddler. Without regular conversations with the baby, it will be much more difficult for parents to understand the reasons for this or that behavior.
• Pay attention more attention to your child. Oddly enough, the child often resorts to manipulation just to try to get your attention. Spend time with your baby. Joint games and regular conversations will bring much more benefits than new toys.
• Don't try to buy good behavior. “If you put away your toys, I’ll buy you a construction set,” “daughter, just don’t cry, I’ll buy you a doll.” It is a mistake of many parents to encourage their children to behave correctly using such methods. The baby will get used to receiving long-awaited prizes and will strive to please you just for this, artificially portraying an exemplary child. Think about it, because his needs will grow as he grows up.

PECULIARITIES! Use fairy tale therapy to correct your child’s behavior.

• When prohibiting, speak calmly and confidently. Even if the little manipulator bursts into tears or gets offended, says something caustic in response to your remark, stay calm and friendly. In this way the baby expresses his reaction to what he did not like. Do not change your decision, do not give in, then your words will be significant. Explain to the baby why you forbid him to do this. Be honest with him: “you can’t play here because it threatens your health,” etc. Over time, the baby will begin to understand and listen to you.

• Set the boundaries of what is permitted. Prohibitions must be adequate and they must be established as early as possible. Stick to your principles at all times, do not prohibit too much and do not talk about it too often.
• Don't give in to your emotions. Children subtly sense your emotional state and reflect it.
• Be an example to your child. Your words must match your actions.
• Let me the child must face the negative results of his behavior. Does your little one cry every evening that he doesn’t want to pack his books for school? Don't scold him, don't force him, but don't do it for him either. Coming to lessons without textbooks, finding himself in a shameful situation and receiving a reprimand from the teacher, the next time the child will think about his behavior.
• Don't feel guilty. By stopping attempts at manipulation and being strict in some areas, you can meet the child’s emotional reaction. There is no need to blame yourself and consider yourself a cruel parent. You just want to raise a good person and do it all for the good.
• Find compromises. Strive to find a common language with your child. Talk to him with respect and teach him constructive communication. Explain what you can do, what you can’t do, why, etc.

Raising a child is a complex process that requires patience and understanding. Don't despair if you encounter difficulties. Overcoming them will help not only maintain trust in your relationship with your child, but also make it stronger.

After five minutes of talking with this woman, I realized: her problem is not that she is a failed parent, but that she is an irresponsible parent. She was unable to realize in time the need for a “divorce” from her child, which no mother has yet been able to avoid. The inevitability of such a “divorce” is usually not recognized by parents and gives rise to the greatest number of problems in relationships with teenagers.

After an hour-long conversation, the excited mother decided not to follow the neighbors’ advice to “be stricter,” but, on the contrary, to praise her son for his growing independence, that is, to allow him to become an adult without scandals and tears. Do not hold onto it in childhood, but find new interests for yourself to fill the void that arises.

It turned out that her fifteen-year-old son is not much different from his peers. A way to protest? Yes, he was a bright individual. But all teenagers, without exception, feel the need to rebel. This can be expressed in unusual outfits, hairstyles, slang... You never know what! Young people are so creative. It’s sad, but parents also come under fire. Agreeing with them is considered prejudice. A normal teenager spends most of his time outside the home, in the company of peers. And if the parents blame him for this or express dissatisfaction with their friends, contact will be interrupted for a long time.

This situation is as old as time. But not for parents who experience it, as they say, in their own skin. It just throws them into a panic: “Where did we go wrong?” "Why did this happen to us?" "What to do now?"

The best advice to such parents is to do nothing. The departure of a teenager “to his own” is just a natural phase of his development, growing pains. This will pass if you don’t interfere and don’t show violence. Love them and let them grow.

In fact, this story is described in the parable of the prodigal son, who was healed thanks to the patience of his father who was waiting for him. The prodigal son will definitely return, unless, of course, the concerned parent panics and thereby delays the process of his development. For me, the parable of the prodigal son is a parable about a patient parent who helped his youngest son to succeed, to become a man. Do not forget that there was also an older brother who never defended his independence, and remained an immature, dependent child.

We must be able to wait out the teenage stage of development of our children. It's not easy, and impatient parents, as soon as their children reach a critical age, begin to cry about "teenage tragedy." In this regard, I found it necessary to compile a list of the most common ways in which these two opposing camps of people who actually love each other habitually try to manipulate each other. What I present next illustrates the everyday conflict between parents and teenagers.

How teenagers manipulate their parents

Tears. When they want something, they whine and whine.

Threats. "I'll probably drop out of school." “I’ll take it and get married.” "I could get into trouble."

Speculation."If you loved me, would you..."

Comparison. "No one has hair that short." “And Bill’s father just went and bought a Mustang.” "Everyone has angora sweaters." “Others are not forced to wash their hands every five minutes.” "Everyone goes there."

Blackmail. "I'll probably get sick." “You know, I can always talk too much when I have guests.” "I'll tell dad that you're hiding this bill from him."

Turning one parent against the other. “Mom doesn’t let me go to the movies, how can that be, dad?” “Ask dad to give me a car, otherwise he refuses me, can you imagine?”

Lie. "We're going to the library" (but nothing is said about the party five minutes after visiting the library). "I have nothing to do with it." "I didn't take it."

Blues. The teenager's depressed state forces his mother to do anything to lift his spirits.

How parents manipulate teenagers

The promise of candy. "Clean up the yard and I'll give you a credit card." "Take out the trash and I'll give you some pocket money." "I have two football tickets. Be smart and we'll see what to do with them."

Threats. “If you don’t give Aunt Agnes a lift, you’ll have to walk yourself.” “I think I should go to school and ask about your progress.”

Comparisons. "John isn't allowed as much as you." "Bill is a better student than you." "I like Tom, he's so polite..."

Insincere promises. "You'll go to Disneyland someday." "I'll talk to someone about joining the flying club." "I'll try to make sure you have a sweater like this."

Blackmail. “When my father comes home from work, I’ll tell him everything.” "Your teacher won't be very happy if he finds out how little time you spend on homework."

Disease as a means of control. "If you don't stop right now, I'm going to have a heart attack!" “Don’t make so much noise, or I’ll get a migraine.”

Using love. "You wouldn't do this if you loved me even a little bit."

Comparing these two lists suggests that teenagers and parents invariably play the same game. Parents, being officially responsible persons, play the role of “trampling”, and teenagers act as “trampled”, being ready to manipulate by any available means. A grueling manipulative struggle ensues between them. Further, as teenagers try to escape the boundaries adults place them in, parents feel they must resort to power games. And in such games, the first rule is that all this is very serious and real. The teenager also feels that the game has gone big and is determined to “win.”

To better understand what is happening, it is important to consider that adolescents view power struggles with parents as a competition in which the rule applies: “I win - you lose.” There is no third. For them, parents are rivals or enemies who must be overcome at all costs. Therefore, almost any interaction between generations turns into a fight. You can give any number of examples of this.

Sally is getting ready to go to school wearing just her jacket, and it's quite chilly outside this morning. “Put on your coat,” says the mother. “This jacket is too light.” The girl replies: “I won’t wear a coat.” To which the mother already raises her voice: “I am your mother, and you will do what I say. Put on your coat immediately!” Sally flatly refuses, and the rivals converge in battle.

If the mother wins, the girl will feel humiliated and gloomily go to class, cursing all the adults and making plans to punish the family, and at the same time the school. Perhaps she will put on a coat, but after three houses she will take it off. If a girl wins, the mother is left in a bad mood. She may start nagging the father, who doesn’t care about his daughter’s behavior... In short, she will probably have a bad day.

As you can see, the parent in this case is also guided by the rule “I win - you lose.” The mother rashly says: “Since I am legally responsible for you, and you are still a minor, you will obey me!” A distorted sense of responsibility gives her a feeling of omnipotence.

Let us assume, however, that the mother has learned to be aware of this game. If she could convince first herself and then her daughter that life did not have to be a struggle, that there was room for friendship, caring and cooperation, a completely new basis for relationships would emerge. If it were also guided by the principle of synergy, which was described by Abraham Maslow, the game would completely lose its manipulative-competitive character. The principle of synergy states that by sincerely revealing himself to another, an actualizing person can discover that his own aspirations are somehow significant for the latter.

A mother, for example, might remind herself that she and her daughter are not enemies, but friends. And friends live by the rule “you win - I win, you lose - I lose.” Based on the fact that we are friends (she would continue to argue), we could assume that our goals and needs have a lot in common. "Can we agree that we both don't want you to catch a cold?" - she asks her daughter. She nods. “And if so, we just have to figure out how to achieve this. You think that you don’t need to wear a coat for this. I think it is necessary. Let’s see if some other solution to the health problem is possible?”

When asked this way, Sally might suggest, “Okay, how about wearing a sweater under the jacket?” “That’s a wonderful idea,” says the mother.

What happened? Obviously, the rules of the game have changed. Now mother and daughter cooperate on a friendly basis. In a collaborative problem-solving situation, we first come to a common goal, consider alternative solutions and their consequences, and finally choose one of the solutions. Instead of being enemies, rivals and manipulators whose main goal is to defeat the other, we can engage in a friendly process of constructive problem solving.

Of course, conflicts will arise between mother and Sally more than once, but their resolution will be more successful if it is based on the idea of ​​mutual respect. If the mother had treated her daughter as an equal, she might even have allowed her to go to school wearing nothing but a jacket, so that she would learn something from the natural consequences of her decision - an unpleasant cold. All learning and development involves risk. But, as is known, one chooses the lesser of two evils. And Sally’s cold in this case is undoubtedly a lesser evil than the loss of contact with her mother.

We could all save ourselves a lot of trouble if we understood what winning and losing actually mean. Winning and losing are just hypothetical ideas about how to live, and these ideas are false. As Fritz Perls said, “When we win, we always lose something, and when we lose, we always win something.” And this, in my opinion, is much closer to the true understanding of life.

Many parents consider themselves life experts for their children, but, unfortunately, the essence of their approach is expressed in the banal “you must.” Karen Horney called this the "tyranny of debtism." To be convinced of this, it is enough to listen to a conversation between a parent and a child and count how many times this categorical imperative is used. However, children also do not shy away from it and use it skillfully. So they're even.

An alternative to “debtism” is “estism.” Instead of striving for perfection, with the inevitable feeling of inadequacy and inferiority that inevitably accompanies it, we could try to accept life as it is and strive to develop what we have. Instead of creating hell for our children by setting impossible standards for their behavior, we can grow with them by creatively solving our common problems. Only a growing personality is able to unconditionally accept responsibility for himself.

Let's use another example of parent-teen conflict and see how this theory works.

Jim argues with his father over homework. He doesn't want to do it now. First he wants to go to a club to play with his friends for a few hours. “Do your homework and then go,” says the father. And he adds in a friendly manner: “Let’s see if our views on your future coincide. I think we both want you to finish school, and that includes completing your homework on time, right?” Jim agrees with this, but still doesn’t want to do his homework. “Come on,” Jim suggests, “I’ll get up early in the morning and get everything done.” “Okay,” the father agrees, “but let’s agree that if you don’t get up, you’ll have to leave the club next month. Obviously, you need to learn from your own experience.”

The father made a concession, and this is much better than a protracted conflict that turns the life of many families into a nightmare.

In the following example, Mary and her parents cannot agree on her date. She is only thirteen years old, but she really wants to go to the open-air cinema on Friday night with Jack, who is sixteen. Her parents don’t want her to meet him alone, especially in a car.

“You don’t even let me into the movies!” – Mary protests, like a real manipulator. But her mother does not support her games and says: “That’s not true. We don’t mind you going to the movies. We just don’t want you to be defenseless against your sex drive. For now, you decide to just go on a date. But when you park "in the grove, it may be too late. You may lose the ability to decide anything, because your body will be stronger than you. It is important to be able to foresee the possible consequences of your decisions." “You just don’t trust me,” Mary pouts. The father enters the conversation: “No, we just don’t trust such situations.”

What solutions can there be? Disputants come to several options: 1) go to a regular cinema by bus; 2) go where they are going, but the father will drive; 3) the same thing, only Jack’s parents will be driving; 4) go there with an older couple - her brother and his girlfriend. Mary chooses the latter and, although she complains about some restrictions on freedom, she does not consider her parents to be enemies.

Some will say that the parents in the last example express their feelings and concerns to the child too openly, but honesty is a necessary condition for actualizing behavior.

The actualizing relationship between parent and adolescent

The main task of the actualizing parent is to help the teenager direct his feelings in a constructive direction. He understands that teenage protest is a necessary component of personal development, and the protesting teenager himself believes that the parents at whom his protest is directed understand and love him, despite his behavior. He is afraid to rebel in this way against someone else. Actualizing parents understand that their child is growing and trying to find his place in the adult world. Therefore, it would be unwise on their part to interfere with him by trying to squeeze him into ready-made adult frameworks. You need to let him develop at his natural pace.

Dorothy Baruch identified three things that parents must provide for their children during adolescence: understanding, practical information about sex, and help in becoming independent people.

Understanding without acceptance is impossible. By allowing the teenager to express his feelings without any fear, the actualizing parent tries to recognize his right to be insolent. Most parents view insolence as a threat. Such parents, of course, are not able to understand the feelings of their children, because they have not yet understood their own. This is why it is important for parents to go to therapy with their teen. As the parent learns to freely express his true feelings to the child, he learns to understand both himself and him.

An updating parent understands that the teenager needs his help to learn to express his feelings and control his actions. He suggests ways in which you can express these negative feelings in socially acceptable actions: 1) air out your grievances; 2) express your negative experiences in writing; 3) draw, construct or dramatize them; 4) play sports, for example, play tennis, golf, checkers or chess.

Actualizing parents understand that it is the teenager’s feelings that make him behave this way. Behind unacceptable actions are negative feelings, the cause of which is not necessarily in the present, but may lie in the child's early childhood. In the latter case, these feelings arise in the teenager not because of what is happening now, but are associated with his ideas, often fantastic, about what happened once. An important role in the emergence of these fantasies is played by the parental attitude towards the child. Thus, if he experienced a lack of love, trust and intimacy in the early stages of his life, he will find it difficult to feel at home among his peers in adolescence.

Another important task of the updating parent is to help the teenager avoid dangerous behavior. There are two ways to do this. First, parents can anticipate some potentially dangerous interests of the child and provide him with the opportunity to pursue them in a structured environment: hiking, fishing, sports competitions, clubs, hunting. Secondly, parents accept the teenager's negative feelings and discuss them with him. If the parent does not reject his negative feelings, it becomes easier for the teenager himself to accept them without feeling guilty.

Rest assured, sometimes actualizing parents also express their negative feelings about their teens' behavior. They openly express their anger, and if they later regret the form of expression of the latter, they immediately say so. An updating parent, admitting his problem in the field of parenting, is not surprised by the teenager’s understanding and recognition. This overthrow of idols opens the way to building mutual understanding between parent and child and the emergence of respect on the part of adolescents for the feelings of their parents.

But actualizing parents are aware that teenagers’ behavior should still be limited. Youth needs to learn to accept the necessity of certain customs and traditions. Baruch offered three reasons for restrictions that are understandable to a teenager: 1) they are important for maintaining health and safety; 2) they are important for the protection of property; 3) they are important because there is law, order and social acceptability.

Updating teenager

Most teenagers are not as bad as we make them out to be. Less than two percent of them break the law. Their music, which so irritates adults, is organic and natural for them. So what if it’s the opposite of the musical romance of our youth? So life changed in the direction of this roar and squeal. Imperfection and disillusionment are the main themes of our time. The key to understanding current trends may be the words of Bob Dylan: “The only thing beautiful is the ugly, boy.” The previous generation's interest in sports, dating, and ridiculing "nerds" are a thing of the past. Now the best are considered to be athletes, excellent students, committee chairmen, class prefects - all those who passionately crave social prestige. Adolescence is the most difficult period in the struggle for self-actualization. It's surprising that teenagers don't fight for her with even more manipulative means and exhibit even more antisocial behavior.

Let us now consider the characteristics of the emerging adolescent within the three descriptive categories of any emerging personality: creativity, interpersonal sensitivity, and awareness.

Creativity. An actualizing teenager is a creative rebel. He finds the courage to rebel in healthy ways. His protest is creative, not destructive or negativistic, and is expressed not in external symbols (unusual hairstyle, clothes, catchy makeup), but in the choice of his own goals and meanings.

Interpersonal sensitivity. He is not only responsive to the feelings of his peers, but also treats his parents with understanding. Therefore, he tries to make his appearance and manners match the situation.

Awareness. Aimed at entering the world of adults, he wants to get the most out of today, living it to the fullest. He has a sense of the path traveled and a goal in the future, but he lives here and now. He is like a surfer riding a wave, who rejoices not only at the board carrying him along the crest, but also at the strength of the waves, the gusts of wind, the rustle of the coastal sand and the expanse of the sea.

A teenager, like all of us, is a manipulator who strives to grow into an actualizer. And the main task of parents, as it seems to me, is to get out of the way and let it happen.