Katherine Qualls

The joy of parenting. How to raise children without punishment

FROM THE PUBLISHER

Dear readers!

We present to you the next book in the “Family Library” series - “The Joy of Parenting.”

How to raise children?

Sometimes we think this is a very simple question. But sometimes it baffles us. Everything we knew about parenting does not come to our aid at these moments.

If this has happened in your life, then Katherine Qualls' book will be a true find for you. Your life can completely change!

You will learn how to teach children to be responsible and proactive, how to build relationships based on respect and equality, how to raise them to be confident in themselves and their abilities, how to inspire children to be creative and teach them how to resolve conflicts by agreeing, how to become simply happy and calm parents.

In your search for approaches to a child’s heart, you will find great support and assistance in the person of the author of this book - a mother, a practical psychologist with many years of experience, co-author and leader of training programs for parents and children.

We are confident that the results you will get by putting into practice the parenting techniques in this book will inspire you.

Good luck and happiness to your families!

ADDRESS TO RUSSIAN READERS

Humanity entered the 21st century with the dream of a world without wars and violence. And our country especially needs changes for the better.

Our children, who will very soon become leaders, lawyers, teachers, parents, will be the people who shape the society of the future. Therefore, to make dreams of a free, peaceful Earth come true, we can contribute by raising free, cheerful, sociable people, enriched with knowledge of their capabilities, able to achieve their goals - people filled with respect for themselves and the world around them.

We are pleased to present the book “The Joy of Parenting.” It's consistent practical guide on behavior reorientation, which can also be used in combination with 15-hour courses for parents conducted by the World Relationship Centers®. Thanks to new knowledge, you will not only find a common language and understanding with children, but also help them develop self-esteem and become reliable, useful members of society.

To strengthen family relations, as well as developing the skills of self-acceptance and self-knowledge, we invite you to attend other training courses conducted by the NOU “VTsV”.

Good luck!

Yuri Kuznetsov, President of the NOU “World Relationship Centers”®

WORDS OF ACKNOWLEDGMENT

I have long been interested in the problem of strengthening the family. For many years, I was constantly looking for an answer to the question: how to help families become safer and more prosperous? This book was the result of my observations, reflections, and practical work with families. I hope that it will help you take a fresh look at some of the problems of upbringing and family relationships and enrich your parenting experience.

I would like to express my deep gratitude to everyone who helped me in this difficult work.

First of all, I am grateful to my family: my husband Brian for mutual understanding, love and support, my son Tyler for being my teacher, thanks to whom I understood what unconditional love means, and Emily, Chloe, Alice and Cindy Harper, who still give me lessons on how to behave so that a blended family can be prosperous and happy.

Thanks to my ex-husband Bill Ridler, who co-authored the first edition of this book and introduced me to teaching. But by far, what I appreciate most about him is what a wonderful father he has been to our son.

Thanks to my collaborators: Betty Tauri, Loise Hansler, and Julia Szes, for their support and ability to ask at the right time: “When is the new book coming out?” Thank you to the instructors of the Children's Behavior Reorientation course for their passion and dedication.

I thank Bob Hoekstra and Judy Harrington for believing in me when my faith was running low.

I am grateful to editor Trioli Backus for her incredible persistence and the easy, pleasant atmosphere that accompanied our collaboration.

I cannot help but say that the creation of this book was inspired by the late doctor of medicine Rudolf Dreikurs, whose practical experience and work became the starting point for me in further searches.

Katherine Qualls

PREFACE

I know Katherine Qualls as a wonderful friend, teacher, colleague, and leader. Katherine has a rare gift: communication with someone brings a person a feeling of inner peace and self-confidence.

Over the past twenty-five years, dramatic changes have occurred in the way we think about children and families. Today, many parents, teachers, educators, and coaches recall the “good old days” when children were obedient and unquestioningly fulfilled our requests. Modern children demand respect and a democratic approach and do not accept strict restrictions and coercive measures. And if they continue to be raised the old fashioned way, using traditional “carrot” or “stick” methods, then relationships with parents and educators become tense, children become aggressive, secretive, and uncontrollable. And we often don’t even realize why it’s so difficult for us to communicate with our own children!

It is not surprising that in this regard, many of us, both parents and specialists, have experienced unpleasant feelings of confusion and confusion.

Katherine Qualls's book, Reorienting Children's Behavior, offers a complete set of “tools” that will help us bond with our children and, therefore, strengthen our families. The impetus for writing the book was the course “Reorienting Children's Behavior,” offered within the framework of the International Society of Child and Family Relations. The purpose of organizing the course is to help parents master modern methods of education, find an individual approach to each of their children and achieve positive changes in family life. Catherine Qualls's teaching and consulting work on this course provided her with rich material to write a book that reflects our shared belief in life itself. And parents will certainly find in it something that will help them make their families happier.

Timothy Jordan, MD

Chapter 1. THE WORLD THROUGH THE EYES OF YOUR CHILD

Publishing group "VES", St. Petersburg, 2005

Katherine Qualls is a family counselor and founder of the Child and Family Relationships Community and PINT (Parenting Instructor Training).

At a certain age, a child suddenly learns that in the world there is not only “yes”, but also “no”, and worse, “impossible”. Even before the age of one year, he receives vague ideas about “impossible” and forms his attitude towards this amazing prohibition. “You can’t” performed by an adult makes you laugh or frighten; when you hear it, a child laughs or cries, frightened by the intonations of an adult. After a year, parents have the opportunity to observe how their child’s attitude towards prohibitions manifests itself. What worries him most is the reaction of adults; in the future, let’s be honest, all his life he will check the reaction of nearby people. Adults use the same methods as a one-year-old child; they attract the attention of their relatives, wives and husbands by violating prohibitions. Unconsciously or consciously, in any case, they forgive themselves these offenses in advance, masterfully justifying themselves. It is much more difficult to forgive your children for such behavior, because children are initially in a humiliated position. Inexperienced creatures, what do they think?

By punishing, you replace the child's internal control over his behavior with the need for control from other people. The child becomes dependent on an adult, whose mere presence can cause fear in him. Punishment has no effect on the development of the skill of being responsible for one’s actions. On the contrary, by punishing, you establish standards of behavior in which guilty children try to get away with it. And this in no way contributes to the improvement of their own moral principles. When you punish, the child becomes either too compliant or too stubborn, and often vindictive. He focuses on getting even with those who punished him, and does not think about the consequences of his misbehavior, about what lesson he needs to learn for himself.

Catherine Qualls in her book offers a thousand practical methods How to redirect a child’s attention from negative to positive. From a bad deed - to responsibility for it, from a bad opinion about parents - to mutual love. It seems that the book touches on every conceivable conflict situation in detail. What to do if a three year old child sucks his thumb (question from the diamond fund of parenting forums)? How to get your child to go to bed on time? Why is he tugging at me exactly at the moment when I am talking to my friend? The book “The Joy of Parenting” is dedicated to these and other stories from the endless series called “fathers, mothers and children.”

It is not surprising that most of our expectations or prejudices are formed in early childhood. We have learned to take a differentiated approach to the difficulties we are used to dealing with. Therefore, starting from a very early age, children develop general ideas about

• what can you expect from life;
• what can be expected from men;
• what can be expected from women;
• what you can expect from your own capabilities;
• how best to act in a given situation.

You “only” forbid your child to kick a ball in the apartment. You shout at him because in the evening your vision is blurry from fatigue, and in general, you have winter blues/summer blues/autumn spleen on your schedule. You are “only” writing a life program for your child. The child has nowhere else to take examples from to follow in later life; it is from you that he adopts numerous reactions. In 10-20 years, he will copy this YOUR intonation in front of his life partner; this face of yours will appear at the most unexpected moment, when your child - aka the guy with a big mustache - begins to raise his own children.

Reorientation of the goal "attracting attention"

Reorientation in this case consists of four stages.

1. Do not look into the eyes of a child whose behavior does not suit you.
2. Don't talk to him.
3. Do something to make your child feel loved. It is best to stroke his back or hair. Don't pat him on the head because it's quite humiliating.
4. Get to work immediately, go through the first three stages - don't look into the eyes, don't say a word, do something to make the child feel loved as soon as his behavior begins to irritate you. It's no use waiting. If you wait, you will begin to get angry, and then it will be difficult to extinguish your irritation. It will be even more difficult to do anything to make your child feel loved.

When you learn to do all this correctly, your child will have to think about his behavior. He was used to feeling like this: “As long as adults are busy with me, that means they love me.” Now he will begin to understand that he is loved even when adults go about their own business.

It is very important that children learn to love themselves and realize responsibility for their actions. Adult mistake No. 1 is the desire to humiliate a child, often this happens without malicious intent on the part of the parents. Excessive care is also equivalent to humiliation; children are constantly made to understand that they are still small and stupid.

One mother had trouble getting her three-year-old daughter to wear a seat belt in the car. Because of this, she often came to work nervous and late. She asked herself, “How can I help my child be positive in this situation?” And she came up with a great idea. She decided to make the child the “captain of the ship,” responsible for seat belts. In other words, the mother had no right to drive the car until she received permission from her daughter (the “captain”) after everyone in the car had fastened their seat belts.

You are unlikely to teach your child to do anything correctly if you tell him: “You are so awkward that you can’t even pour milk into your glass without spilling it.” Or give him a look full of disdain for his failure. A more effective response might be to say, “What do you think is the best way to hold the bag so the milk doesn't spill past the glass next time?”

The book also discusses common problems of families: jealousy of elders towards younger ones, divorce of parents, parental quarrels. In a situation of stress, children are the most vulnerable; they suddenly realize that they have been assigned a certain role, and no one is going to help them in fulfilling this mission. The natural reaction of all children in the world is again those same ways of attracting attention to themselves. Man is designed this way, he endlessly checks whether he is loved. Is he needed?

Parents often ask: “If I don’t teach my child to stand up for his own interests, how will he be able to survive in this cruel world?” A child who is taught to help others rather than compete with them has a better chance of survival. He is less dependent on the internal need to always be better than others or to defeat rivals at any cost, and in addition, he is inclined to take a more realistic approach to assessing his own abilities. In addition, he is practically not afraid of mistakes, is less susceptible to fears, and if something does not work out for him, then he tolerates his failures much easier. If you constantly strive to be better than others, you will never find peace of mind because you will never achieve the goal you set for yourself. One of my friends once told me: “Everything will work out for me as soon as I surpass my rivals.” In other words, he was aiming at a moving target that he was never destined to hit.

Many adults, reading books on raising children, feel resentful about their own childhood. Our parents were not so advanced, did not have access to virtual knowledge, and did not read smart books. They had to love their children just like that without a strong foundation in the form of knowledge about this love, what it should be - right. You also have to fight this within yourself: with a bouquet of your own complexes and a hidden grenade in it, the complexes of your parents. Perhaps some of this book will help not only the parent-child relationship, but also the adults themselves. Not all methods of reorienting attention will be suitable for your children, but numerous tips will certainly help you put your thoughts in order and concentrate on the main thing: parenting without punishment.

IN childhood many of us were not allowed to express our feelings openly. They told us something like this: “Do you want to cry? Well, now you’ll really cry with me!” Tears, expressing the child's vulnerability, were seen as a sign of weakness and lack of will. Even the dictionary gives a negative interpretation of the meaning of the word “vulnerable”: 1) vulnerable, unable to protect oneself from external attacks; 2) susceptible to criticism, easily succumbing to temptations and outside influences, etc. Who wants to be vulnerable or empathetic with definitions like these? We need to introduce a new definition that characterizes the words "vulnerability" and "sensitivity" as frankness, directness, and the ability to openly express one's feelings. We have a tendency to be critical or categorically reject everything that we do not understand or, rather, do not want to understand. This is clearly manifested in our desire to prove to children that they are mistaken in their feelings: “How can you not love your sister?” There are no right or wrong feelings. They simply exist and nothing can be done about them. The weaker our contact with our own feelings, the more persistently we try to refute the manifestation of any feelings in our children.

FROM THE PUBLISHER

Dear readers!
We present to you the next book in the “Family Library” series - “The Joy of Parenting.”
How to raise children?
Sometimes we think this is a very simple question. But sometimes it baffles us. Everything we knew about parenting does not come to our aid at these moments.
If this has happened in your life, then Katherine Qualls' book will be a true find for you. Your life can completely change!
You will learn how to teach children to be responsible and proactive, how to build relationships based on respect and equality, how to raise them to be confident in themselves and their abilities, how to inspire children to be creative and teach them how to resolve conflicts by agreeing, how to become simply happy and calm parents.
In your search for approaches to a child’s heart, you will find great support and assistance in the person of the author of this book - a mother, a practical psychologist with many years of experience, co-author and leader of training programs for parents and children.
We are confident that the results you will get by putting into practice the parenting techniques in this book will inspire you.

Good luck and happiness to your families!

ADDRESS TO RUSSIAN READERS

Humanity entered the 21st century with the dream of a world without wars and violence. And our country especially needs changes for the better.
Our children, who will very soon become leaders, lawyers, teachers, parents, will be the people who shape the society of the future. Therefore, to make dreams of a free, peaceful Earth come true, we can contribute by raising free, cheerful, sociable people, enriched with knowledge of their capabilities, able to achieve their goals - people filled with respect for themselves and the world around them.
We are pleased to present the book “The Joy of Parenting.” This is a step-by-step, practical guide to behavior redirection that can also be used in conjunction with the 15-hour parenting course offered by the World Relationship Centers®. Thanks to new knowledge, you will not only find a common language and understanding with children, but also help them develop self-esteem and become reliable, useful members of society.
To strengthen family relationships, as well as develop the skills of self-acceptance and self-knowledge, we invite you to attend other training courses conducted by the NOU “VTsV”.
Good luck!
Yuri Kuznetsov, President of the NOU “World Relationship Centers”®

WORDS OF ACKNOWLEDGMENT

I have long been interested in the problem of strengthening the family. For many years, I was constantly looking for an answer to the question: how to help families become safer and more prosperous? This book was the result of my observations, reflections, and practical work with families. I hope that it will help you take a fresh look at some of the problems of upbringing and family relationships and enrich your parenting experience.
I would like to express my deep gratitude to everyone who helped me in this difficult work.
First of all, I am grateful to my family: my husband Brian for mutual understanding, love and support, my son Tyler for being my teacher, thanks to whom I understood what unconditional love means, and Emily, Chloe, Alice and Cindy Harper, who still give me lessons on how to behave so that a blended family can be prosperous and happy.
Thanks to my ex-husband, Bill Ridler, who co-authored the first edition of this book and introduced me to teaching. But by far, what I appreciate most about him is what a wonderful father he has been to our son.
Thanks to my collaborators: Betty Tauri, Loise Hansler, and Julia Szes, for their support and ability to ask at the right time: “When is the new book coming out?” Thank you to the instructors of the Children's Behavior Reorientation course for their passion and dedication.
I thank Bob Hoekstra and Judy Harrington for believing in me when my faith was running low.
I am grateful to editor Trioli Backus for her incredible persistence and the easy, pleasant atmosphere that accompanied our collaboration.
I cannot help but say that the creation of this book was inspired by the late doctor of medicine Rudolf Dreikurs, whose practical experience and work became the starting point for me in further searches.
Katherine Qualls

PREFACE

I know Katherine Qualls as a wonderful friend, teacher, colleague, and leader. Katherine has a rare gift: communication with someone brings a person a feeling of inner peace and self-confidence.
Over the past twenty-five years, dramatic changes have occurred in the way we think about children and families. Today, many parents, teachers, educators, and coaches recall the “good old days” when children were obedient and unquestioningly fulfilled our requests. Modern children demand respect and a democratic approach and do not accept strict restrictions and coercive measures. And if they continue to be raised the old fashioned way, using traditional “carrot” or “stick” methods, then relationships with parents and educators become tense, children become aggressive, secretive, and uncontrollable. And we often don’t even realize why it’s so difficult for us to communicate with our own children!
It is not surprising that in this regard, many of us, both parents and specialists, have experienced unpleasant feelings of confusion and confusion.
Katherine Qualls's book, Reorienting Children's Behavior, offers a complete set of “tools” that will help us bond with our children and, therefore, strengthen our families. The impetus for writing the book was the course “Reorienting Children's Behavior,” offered within the framework of the International Society of Child and Family Relations. The purpose of the course is to help parents master modern methods of education, find an individual approach to each of their children and achieve positive changes in family life. Catherine Qualls's teaching and consulting work on this course provided her with rich material to write a book that reflects our shared belief in life itself. And parents will certainly find in it something that will help them make their families happier.
Timothy Jordan, MD

Chapter 1. THE WORLD THROUGH THE EYES OF YOUR CHILD

"I can not believe it! - Justin's mom said. - It seems that he has completely changed his attitude towards himself. It used to be that, after playing enough in the park, he would return home in tears and complain that the other guys were hurting him. Not a day went by without quarrels and fights. He did not want to admit his mistakes, and it turned out that everyone was to blame, but not him. Now, when he comes home, he enthusiastically talks about how he spent time with his new friends. In the last three months, Justin has only gotten into a fight once! He even once told me: “Mom, the guys were angry with me because I broke the tent pole. I did it myself, so I’ll buy a new pole.” He didn't blame anyone!!! Previously, we constantly quarreled with him, but now we feel good together. I look forward to interacting with him every day.”
This is how Justin’s mother talked about the positive changes in her son’s behavior that occurred after using the non-punishment parenting methods that formed the basis of this book.
After reading it, you will be able to try these methods in practice. And at the end of the book you will find a detailed story about how Justin’s behavior was reoriented. And then the mother’s enthusiasm for the changes in her son’s behavior will be completely understandable to you.

WHAT IS REORIENTATION?
Reorientation is both a strict and kind approach to a child’s behavior, implying full responsibility for his actions. The principle of reorientation is based on mutual respect between parents and children. This method provides natural and logical consequences for the child’s undesirable behavior, which we will discuss in detail later, and ultimately strengthens the child’s self-esteem and improves his character.
Reorientation does not involve any special, radically new educational techniques that will make your child behave well. Reorientation is a new way of life, the essence of which is to create situations where there are no losers among parents, teachers and coaches, and among children. When children feel that you do not intend to bend their behavior to your will, but, on the contrary, are trying to find a reasonable way out of a life situation, they show more respect and willingness to help you.

WHY IS IT WORTH REFUSING PUNISHMENTS?
Punishment breeds fear. You can scare a child so much that as a result he immediately stops behaving badly. But this is only the appearance that the punishment has brought the desired effect. Carefully observing the child's behavior after punishment, you will notice that he is trying to find ways to settle the score with his bullies. He may tease younger siblings or pets, get bad grades in school, destroy his or your things, run away from home and forget about his household responsibilities. This list of negative reactions to punishment goes on for a long time. By punishing, you replace the child's internal control over his behavior with the need for control from other people. The child becomes dependent on an adult, whose mere presence can cause fear in him. Punishment has no effect on the development of the skill of being responsible for one's actions. On the contrary, by punishing, you establish such standards of behavior in which guilty children try to get away with it, and this in no way contributes to the improvement of their own moral principles. When you punish, the child becomes either too compliant or too stubborn, and often vindictive. He focuses on getting even with the one who punished him, and does not think about the consequences of his misbehavior, about what lesson he needs to learn for himself. ,
The direct opposite of behavior controlled by an influential person is self-control based on the value orientations of the child himself. The child learns to be responsible for his own actions and behaves as he considers necessary.
Punishment also has other side effects. This is a low sense of self-worth, or behavior dictated by a feeling of fear; this mixed feeling of insult inflicted on you by a person whose love you were counting on; it is strengthening the belief that acting from a position of strength is the only way to get what you want. In addition, punishment makes the child distrustful and encourages him to hide his mistakes.
Why did you decide to punish your child? Think about it, are you doing this out of malice, out of resentment, wanting revenge or feeling helpless? Then stop, calm down and try to rethink your reaction. Ask yourself, “So what do I really want to teach my child right now?”

WHAT ABOUT INCENTIVE GIFTS?
Another traditional approach that makes a child’s behavior dependent on external factors is rewarding with gifts. Gifts used as "bait" or "bribery" to get desired behavior from a child invariably backfire.
Children begin to strive only to receive as many gifts as possible, instead of bringing any benefit to others. But, by and large, what is most valued in a person is the desire to do something for others, without demanding anything in return. Gifts will only interfere with the child’s development of the feeling that he, too, is worth something in this world. Children can also interpret them as a kind of call: I don’t need to do anything until they give me something. Rewards prevent the child from developing an internal sense of self-confidence and satisfaction from personal initiative.

WHAT SHOULD THE EDUCATIONAL PROCESS BE DIRECTED TO?
It is extremely important to teach your child to take full responsibility for achieving the positive results of his actions, regardless of whether an influential person is present or not. This helps children realize the correctness (or incorrectness!) of their own choices, because the choice made by the child himself can bring him both joy and misfortune. If internal control over one’s behavior becomes the main thing for a child, this contributes to the development of self-esteem and the development of correct self-esteem. Children behave badly when they feel powerless and unsure of themselves, and also when we suppress their own beginnings or make them feel “worthless.” There is no point in punishing a child who already feels insecure about his abilities.
Much more can be achieved if you introduce an element of joy into the educational process and help children develop an attitude towards everything that happens, which will later help them overcome all the vicissitudes of fate that await them in adulthood. As you begin this important process, remember that many of the parenting principles offered in this book may require persistence, patience, and, of course, a lot of time on your part.
For example, let's say you set out to learn to play the piano. Each of us knows that this takes practice. It's the same with the principles of education. They also need to be “worked out.” At first, you may not succeed, or it may not work out the way you would like. More patience and practice - and confidence will come to you. Remember that mistakes are inevitable in such a complex process.
A necessary condition for your success in this field is to trust your child's abilities. This is especially difficult because we have not yet learned to appreciate our children. And this can be the reason that we give up too early... Finish the job you started, believe in yourself, allow yourself to make mistakes. And you will be amazed at what you and your child can achieve.

“ASK YOURSELF: “HOW CAN MY CHILD TAKE THIS?”
We sometimes don’t even realize that we constantly influence the formation of one or another attitude towards life in our children. If we want our upbringing to lead to the child developing a sense of responsibility and a desire to help us, then we need to develop a clear understanding of three features.

1. “How can my child perceive what he has already learned from the process of learning about life?”
2. “What knowledge most influences the development of my child’s relationship with everything that happens around him?”
3. “How can I influence this knowledge or lead it to a more correct perception?”
Before you implement specific parenting methods, carefully consider the answers to these three questions, and you will not only know what to do, but also why it happens.
Children enter this world at a great disadvantage. And not only because they are much smaller than adults and are completely dependent on them, but also because society does not notice their true, undisclosed abilities. To better understand what is affecting your child, you need to look at the situation from his point of view. By looking at what is happening through the eyes of a child, parents will be able to avoid wrongful actions, which often lead to child helplessness and incorrect self-esteem. There are ways in which you can rebuild the situation and help your child express his own strengths and abilities.
For example, when a child starting to walk cries for a toy, our response may be expressed to a greater extent than the situation requires, or, conversely, to a lesser extent than necessary. In some cases, we ignore the child’s crying, making him even more helpless. In other cases, we do more than what is required of us - we bring him a toy. The child does not have to stretch out his hands to get what he wants.
Why shouldn't you do this? Because if our task as parents is to instill in the baby a sense of self-confidence, then it is best for us to place this toy where he can get it himself.
Our gentle, patient coaxing and ability to monitor the child in order to find out what he can and cannot do will lead to a gradual increase in the number of attempts made by our baby to satisfy his own desires. These “early” shoots of self-confidence will be crowned with much greater success if you don’t do everything for your “child” yourself, and then, when he turns 18, you say: “Well, well, you’re an adult now, take care of him.” to yourself!” An early start will help us get rid of the dependence that we have created ourselves by being overprotective and doing everything for our child.
Our job as parents is to give right direction our helpless and dependent children, and help them realize that they can become self-confident and able to act independently.
Success in achieving this goal does not depend on our good intentions. It depends on how our child perceives himself and the world around him. This perception is the final determinant of all our interactions with it. Every time you use a refocusing technique, ask yourself, “How will my child take this?”

WHAT MAKES CHILDREN WHO THEY ARE?
We all have some kind of bias, and it is very important that we have them. Without prejudice, we would not be able to decide on one action or another, because we would be constantly gripped by fear about what might happen next. Our personality is a unique collection of inherent biases and personal expectations from life that we use to help us make the right choices.
For example, if we feel that an unfamiliar room where we need to enter does not pose any danger and the environment is favorable for this, then we will do so without hesitation. And if it is not safe, we will begin to doubt or refuse to enter there at all. Therefore, decision making is ultimately based on our expectations rather than reality.
It is not surprising that most of our expectations or prejudices are formed in early childhood. We have learned to take a differentiated approach to the difficulties we are used to dealing with. Therefore, starting from a very early age, children develop general ideas about
? what can you expect from life;
? what can be expected from men;
? what can be expected from women;
? what you can expect from your own capabilities;
? how best to act in a given situation.

MAIN INFLUENCE FACTORS
Beliefs based on our childhood interpretation of certain experiences often haunt us in adulthood and become the source of many conflicts among adults. The reason lies in the fact that these beliefs are formed when the child is at a disadvantage for reasons beyond his control and may misinterpret what is happening. Here are some major influences that may be misunderstood by a child:
? birth order;
? age difference;
? gender differences;
? abnormalities or physical disabilities;
? social environment;
? family tragedies;
? children's jealousy (competition);
? family values;
? parents' reactions to their children's behavior.
Birth order
Whether this is the first child, the only child, the middle one or “ Sissy“- all this will subsequently affect what place he will take in society. His position in the family in accordance with his birth order can radically change or transform his attitude towards life, which significantly influences his formation as a person.
The older child initially sees a world in which he is the “main event” in the lives of adults. Then, with the advent of the second child, he loses his “property”. At the same time, he experiences a feeling similar to the feeling of “overthrown from the throne.”
The second child must determine his place in the family from the very beginning, not only in relation to the adults, but also in relation to his brother or sister. Each subsequent child finds himself in a slightly different situation from the previous one and, thus, finds his proper place in the family. For three years John was an only child. At first, all attention and love were given only to him. But with the advent younger sister Naturally, part of the mother’s attention switched to the newborn girl. John felt deprived and forgotten and therefore began to offend her. Mom immediately turned her negative attention to him, which suited John: after all, for a child, any attention is better than indifference.
John gradually learned that you can get attention by bad behavior. Meanwhile, his sister was developing a completely different view of the surrounding reality. She learned that she was attacked for no apparent reason. This circumstance will certainly lead her to the conclusion that everything in the world is to be feared. And maternal consolation can evoke in her the following feeling: “I can attract attention to myself by complaining about the one who offends me.” It is possible that birth order will play a role in her choice of husband. It is likely that when choosing, she will give preference to a partner who, to some extent, will make her his victim.
Of course, not every child born second in the family perceives the world around him as something scary and dangerous. Many other character traits also influence his ideas. Each child views the situation differently. Another in a similar case may perceive it this way: “I must fight injustice.” Instead of being a victim, he can devote himself to a career in law and fight injustice all his life.

Age difference
The period of time between the births of children can also affect their relationships. A one-and-a-half-year-old child, with the arrival of a little sister in the family, must still stand up for himself in order to remain “promising” for his parents. But already a four-year-old with the advent of the baby can take on the role of a “super-reliable” child in the family, helping the mother look after the youngest child.
In a family where there are seven- and eight-year-old children, as well as a two-year-old child, you may encounter the fact that older children form a kind of “alliance” and “complement” the parents in raising the two-year-old baby. In this case, it is very easy for the youngest to become a “charming” person who will demand that others do everything for him.
Therefore, make sure that each of your children fits into the “family framework” accordingly.

Floor
As a result of our traditional approach to parenting, we often treat boys very differently from girls. We are used to encouraging aggressiveness and inflexibility in boys, and dependence and obedience in girls. These roles have changed over time, but we still have few educational techniques that speak of complete “equality” of the sexes. How we want our children to be in this regard, and our own ignorance on this matter, has a profound impact on children's sense of self.
The Johnson family has an eight-year-old boy and a six-year-old girl. When an offended boy begins to cry, the parents respond to this by saying: “Stop it, you’re a big boy!” At the same time, the girl, under the same circumstances, is reassured by her parents, and her tears are taken for granted.
In such a situation, the son is taught to hide his feelings and influence people from a position of strength. The girl is taught to influence others, taking advantage of helplessness and dependence. Most children lack the balance of their qualities, when inaccessibility and vulnerability, open, sincere expression of their feelings harmoniously complement each other. Let's return to the example already given and try to change the parental reaction to the behavior of children. Maybe in this way we can help them find this harmony: no matter who was hurt and who is crying, our son or our daughter, parents need to acknowledge their pain and give them the opportunity to cry, then help both of them find a way to relieve the pain and find mutual understanding. Eliminate the use of hackneyed expressions that we automatically express to our children - this will also be a good step towards developing in them new qualities inherent in both men and women.

Deviations or physical disabilities
A child with a disability or handicap is himself placed at a disadvantage to others. However, he also has a choice: “What do I want - to complain about my fate or to mobilize all my strength to overcome the illness and achieve what I want?” One of the determining factors may be the determination of the child himself.

Katherine Qualls

The joy of parenting. How to raise children without punishment

FROM THE PUBLISHER

Dear readers!

We present to you the next book in the “Family Library” series - “The Joy of Parenting.”

How to raise children?

Sometimes we think this is a very simple question. But sometimes it baffles us. Everything we knew about parenting does not come to our aid at these moments.

If this has happened in your life, then Katherine Qualls' book will be a true find for you. Your life can completely change!

You will learn how to teach children to be responsible and proactive, how to build relationships based on respect and equality, how to raise them to be confident in themselves and their abilities, how to inspire children to be creative and teach them how to resolve conflicts by agreeing, how to become simply happy and calm parents.

In your search for approaches to a child’s heart, you will find great support and assistance in the person of the author of this book - a mother, a practical psychologist with many years of experience, co-author and leader of training programs for parents and children.

We are confident that the results you will get by putting into practice the parenting techniques in this book will inspire you.

Good luck and happiness to your families!

ADDRESS TO RUSSIAN READERS

Humanity entered the 21st century with the dream of a world without wars and violence. And our country especially needs changes for the better.

Our children, who will very soon become leaders, lawyers, teachers, parents, will be the people who shape the society of the future. Therefore, to make dreams of a free, peaceful Earth come true, we can contribute by raising free, cheerful, sociable people, enriched with knowledge of their capabilities, able to achieve their goals - people filled with respect for themselves and the world around them.

We are pleased to present the book “The Joy of Parenting.” This is a step-by-step, practical guide to behavior redirection that can also be used in conjunction with the 15-hour parenting course offered by the World Relationship Centers®. Thanks to new knowledge, you will not only find a common language and understanding with children, but also help them develop self-esteem and become reliable, useful members of society.

To strengthen family relationships, as well as develop the skills of self-acceptance and self-knowledge, we invite you to attend other training courses conducted by the NOU “VTsV”.

Good luck!

Yuri Kuznetsov, President of the NOU “World Relationship Centers”®

WORDS OF ACKNOWLEDGMENT

I have long been interested in the problem of strengthening the family. For many years, I was constantly looking for an answer to the question: how to help families become safer and more prosperous? This book was the result of my observations, reflections, and practical work with families. I hope that it will help you take a fresh look at some of the problems of upbringing and family relationships and enrich your parenting experience.

I would like to express my deep gratitude to everyone who helped me in this difficult work.

First of all, I am grateful to my family: my husband Brian for mutual understanding, love and support, my son Tyler for being my teacher, thanks to whom I understood what unconditional love means, and Emily, Chloe, Alice and Cindy Harper, who still give me lessons on how to behave so that a blended family can be prosperous and happy.

Thanks to my ex-husband, Bill Ridler, who co-authored the first edition of this book and introduced me to teaching. But by far, what I appreciate most about him is what a wonderful father he has been to our son.

Thanks to my collaborators: Betty Tauri, Loise Hansler, and Julia Szes, for their support and ability to ask at the right time: “When is the new book coming out?” Thank you to the instructors of the Children's Behavior Reorientation course for their passion and dedication.

I thank Bob Hoekstra and Judy Harrington for believing in me when my faith was running low.

I am grateful to editor Trioli Backus for her incredible persistence and the easy, pleasant atmosphere that accompanied our collaboration.

I cannot help but say that the creation of this book was inspired by the late doctor of medicine Rudolf Dreikurs, whose practical experience and work became the starting point for me in further searches.

Katherine Qualls

PREFACE

I know Katherine Qualls as a wonderful friend, teacher, colleague, and leader. Katherine has a rare gift: communication with someone brings a person a feeling of inner peace and self-confidence.

Over the past twenty-five years, dramatic changes have occurred in the way we think about children and families. Today, many parents, teachers, educators, and coaches recall the “good old days” when children were obedient and unquestioningly fulfilled our requests. Modern children demand respect and a democratic approach and do not accept strict restrictions and coercive measures. And if they continue to be raised the old fashioned way, using traditional “carrot” or “stick” methods, then relationships with parents and educators become tense, children become aggressive, secretive, and uncontrollable. And we often don’t even realize why it’s so difficult for us to communicate with our own children!

It is not surprising that in this regard, many of us, both parents and specialists, have experienced unpleasant feelings of confusion and confusion.

Katherine Qualls's book, Reorienting Children's Behavior, offers a complete set of “tools” that will help us bond with our children and, therefore, strengthen our families. The impetus for writing the book was the course “Reorienting Children's Behavior,” offered within the framework of the International Society of Child and Family Relations. The purpose of the course is to help parents master modern methods of education, find an individual approach to each of their children and achieve positive changes in family life. Catherine Qualls's teaching and consulting work on this course provided her with rich material to write a book that reflects our shared belief in life itself. And parents will certainly find in it something that will help them make their families happier.

Timothy Jordan, MD

Chapter 1. THE WORLD THROUGH THE EYES OF YOUR CHILD

"I can not believe it! - Justin's mom said. - It seems that he has completely changed his attitude towards himself. It used to be that, after playing enough in the park, he would return home in tears and complain that the other guys were hurting him. Not a day went by without quarrels and fights. He did not want to admit his mistakes, and it turned out that everyone was to blame, but not him. Now, when he comes home, he enthusiastically talks about how he spent time with his new friends. In the last three months, Justin has only gotten into a fight once! He even once told me: “Mom, the guys were angry with me because I broke the tent pole. I did it myself, so I’ll buy a new pole.” He didn't blame anyone!!! Previously, we constantly quarreled with him, but now we feel good together. I look forward to interacting with him every day.”

This is how Justin’s mother talked about the positive changes in her son’s behavior that occurred after using the non-punishment parenting methods that formed the basis of this book.

After reading it, you will be able to try these methods in practice. And at the end of the book you will find a detailed story about how Justin’s behavior was reoriented. And then the mother’s enthusiasm for the changes in her son’s behavior will be completely understandable to you.

Reorientation is both a strict and kind approach to a child’s behavior, implying full responsibility for his actions. The principle of reorientation is based on mutual respect between parents and children. This method provides natural and logical consequences for the child’s undesirable behavior, which we will discuss in detail later, and ultimately strengthens the child’s self-esteem and improves his character.

Reorientation does not involve any special, radically new educational techniques that will make your child behave well. Reorientation is a new way of life, the essence of which is to create situations where there are no losers among parents, teachers and coaches, and among children. When children feel that you do not intend to bend their behavior to your will, but, on the contrary, are trying to find a reasonable way out of a life situation, they show more respect and willingness to help you.

Katherine Qualls

The joy of parenting. How to raise children without punishment

FROM THE PUBLISHER

Dear readers!

We present to you the next book in the “Family Library” series - “The Joy of Parenting.”

How to raise children?

Sometimes we think this is a very simple question. But sometimes it baffles us. Everything we knew about parenting does not come to our aid at these moments.

If this has happened in your life, then Katherine Qualls' book will be a true find for you. Your life can completely change!

You will learn how to teach children to be responsible and proactive, how to build relationships based on respect and equality, how to raise them to be confident in themselves and their abilities, how to inspire children to be creative and teach them how to resolve conflicts by agreeing, how to become simply happy and calm parents.

In your search for approaches to a child’s heart, you will find great support and assistance in the person of the author of this book - a mother, a practical psychologist with many years of experience, co-author and leader of training programs for parents and children.

We are confident that the results you will get by putting into practice the parenting techniques in this book will inspire you.

Good luck and happiness to your families!

ADDRESS TO RUSSIAN READERS

Humanity entered the 21st century with the dream of a world without wars and violence. And our country especially needs changes for the better.

Our children, who will very soon become leaders, lawyers, teachers, parents, will be the people who shape the society of the future. Therefore, to make dreams of a free, peaceful Earth come true, we can contribute by raising free, cheerful, sociable people, enriched with knowledge of their capabilities, able to achieve their goals - people filled with respect for themselves and the world around them.

We are pleased to present the book “The Joy of Parenting.” This is a step-by-step, practical guide to behavior redirection that can also be used in conjunction with the 15-hour parenting course offered by the World Relationship Centers®. Thanks to new knowledge, you will not only find a common language and understanding with children, but also help them develop self-esteem and become reliable, useful members of society.

To strengthen family relationships, as well as develop the skills of self-acceptance and self-knowledge, we invite you to attend other training courses conducted by the NOU “VTsV”.

Good luck!

Yuri Kuznetsov, President of the NOU “World Relationship Centers”®

WORDS OF ACKNOWLEDGMENT

I have long been interested in the problem of strengthening the family. For many years, I was constantly looking for an answer to the question: how to help families become safer and more prosperous? This book was the result of my observations, reflections, and practical work with families. Hope it helps you in a new way look at some problems of upbringing, family relationships and will enrich your parenting experience.

I would like to express my deep gratitude to everyone who helped me in this difficult work.

First of all, I am grateful to my family: my husband Brian for mutual understanding, love and support, my son Tyler for being my teacher, thanks to whom I understood what unconditional love means, and Emily, Chloe, Alice and Cindy Harper, who still give me lessons on how to behave so that a blended family can be prosperous and happy.

Thanks to my ex-husband, Bill Ridler, who co-authored the first edition of this book and introduced me to teaching. But by far, what I appreciate most about him is what a wonderful father he has been to our son.

Thanks to my collaborators: Betty Tauri, Loise Hansler, and Julia Szes, for their support and ability to ask at the right time: “When is the new book coming out?” Thank you to the instructors of the Children's Behavior Reorientation course for their passion and dedication.

I thank Bob Hoekstra and Judy Harrington for believing in me when my faith was running low.

I am grateful to editor Trioli Backus for her incredible persistence and the easy, pleasant atmosphere that accompanied our collaboration.

I cannot help but say that the creation of this book was inspired by the late doctor of medicine Rudolf Dreikurs, whose practical experience and work became the starting point for me in further searches.

Katherine Qualls

PREFACE

I know Katherine Qualls as a wonderful friend, teacher, colleague, and leader. Katherine has a rare gift: communication with someone brings a person a feeling of inner peace and self-confidence.

Over the past twenty-five years, dramatic changes have occurred in the way we think about children and families. Today, many parents, teachers, educators, and coaches recall the “good old days” when children were obedient and unquestioningly fulfilled our requests. Modern children demand respect and a democratic approach and do not accept strict restrictions and coercive measures. And if they continue to be raised the old fashioned way, using traditional “carrot” or “stick” methods, then relationships with parents and educators become tense, children become aggressive, secretive, and uncontrollable. And we often don’t even realize why it’s so difficult for us to communicate with our own children!

It is not surprising that in this regard, many of us, both parents and specialists, have experienced unpleasant feelings of confusion and confusion.

Katherine Qualls's book, Reorienting Children's Behavior, offers a complete set of “tools” that will help us bond with our children and, therefore, strengthen our families. The impetus for writing the book was the course “Reorienting Children's Behavior,” offered within the framework of the International Society of Child and Family Relations. The purpose of organizing the course is to help parents master modern methods of education, find an individual approach to each of their children and achieve positive changes in