Surely you have already heard somewhere about active listening method, but, as often happens, you heard it - but you can’t remember what the meaning is. Of course, there is nothing better than reading books on this topic, for example, K. Rogers “Counseling and Psychotherapy”, Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter “Communicate with the child. How?", or T. Gordon “Training an Effective Parent.” But if this is not possible, you can quickly and without wasting time learn the method of active listening by reading this article.
The method of active listening is a technique used in the practice of socio-psychological training, psychological counseling and psychotherapy, which allows you to more accurately understand the psychological states, feelings, thoughts of your interlocutor using special techniques for participating in a conversation, implying the active expression of your own experiences and considerations.
Where did this method come from? The author of the active listening method is Carl Rogers.- American, humanistic psychotherapist. Rogers was initially interested in the problems of child psychology, which was reflected in his book Clinical Treatment of the Problem Child (1939). But his book is most famous "Counseling and Psychotherapy" where the Principles of Rogerian therapy are set out - this is a non-judgmental acceptance of the individual and his expressions, an open response. This book is the same useful for both the account manager and the parent.
“Four basic elements create the foundation of profitable and meaningful relationships: consistent fulfillment of obligations, expression of feelings, absence of specific roles, and the ability to participate in the inner life of another.”
To briefly describe this method: you need to listen and hear more than what is told to you, directing your interlocutor in the right direction with short phrases. The child must not only speak out, you invisibly participate in his monologue, with simple phrases and repetitions of his own words, only in other words, you direct his thoughts towards analyzing the situation. This accessible and simple method is often called - empathic listening. The main thing is to be able to detach yourself from your own thoughts, feelings and judgments. This is very important key point– at the moment of active listening, you should not express your own thoughts, express your assessments of this or that event or the child’s action. It is the desire to express one’s opinion, to impose one’s point of view, to express an assessment of an event that is so difficult for most parents to refuse. But if you can restrain yourself, the result may exceed all your expectations.
“The father of a fifteen-year-old girl, returning from a parenting course where he was introduced to active listening, found his daughter in the kitchen chatting with her classmate. The teenagers discussed school in unflattering terms. “I sat down on a chair,” my father later said, “and decided to actively listen to them, no matter what the cost. As a result, the guys talked without closing their mouths for two and a half hours, and during this time I learned more about my daughter’s life than in the previous few years!” - from book “Communicate with the child. How?".
Involved attention
Turn your face, look into the eyes, do not ask questions when the child is upset (the sentences must be in the affirmative form).
Retelling what you heard in your own words
Express interest. You can repeat after your interlocutor (use other words with the same meaning), in this case after the child, the last words, or nod and say interjections, short phrases: yes, I understand, this is really so, etc.
You can retell in your own words what you heard so that the child understands that you are really listening to him and to clarify whether you heard him correctly.
Daughter: I won't wear that ugly skirt
Mother: you feel uncomfortable in it.
The mother's usual reaction: stop it, she suits you very well.
Affirmative phrases
These are phrases that show that you hear and understand the child.
Son: I won’t hang out with Petya anymore!
Parent: You were offended by him.
Habitual reaction: Had a fight again?
The secret is that a phrase framed as a question does not reflect empathy.
Often the question: “What happened?” a distressed child answers: “Nothing!”, and if you say: “Something happened...”, then it is easier for the child to start talking about what happened.
Hold a pause
Very important in conversation "keep a pause." A pause gives the child the opportunity to think, and the parent to distance himself from his thoughts, feelings, assessments and problems.
Label the feeling
In order for a child to understand his feelings, he needs help.
Daughter (with a gloomy look): I’m no longer friends with Masha!
Mother: You don’t want to play with her anymore. (Repeat what was heard). (usual reaction: Why?)
Daughter: Yes, I don’t want to...
Mother (after a pause): You were offended by her... (Designation of feelings).
After everything you have heard, it is permissible to express your feelings towards the subject of the conversation (It was unpleasant for you - it really hurts me to hear this, etc.)
At the end of the conversation, you can summarize by asking questions: Did I understand correctly that...? As a result, we can say that..., As far as I understood this..., it was about..., As a result....
“... Mom puts four-year-old Masha to bed, and the girl asks to sit with her.
DAUGHTER: Mommy, just a little more, just a little bit!
MOM: Mashenka, it’s late, all the guys are sleeping.
DAUGHTER: Alone and alone all day, I don’t want any more!
MOTHER: You play with the kids in the garden all day long... (Remembers active listening.) You feel lonely...
DAUGHTER: Yes, there are a lot of kids, but mom is not allowed into the garden.
MOM: You miss me.
DAUGHTER: I miss you, and Sasha Petrov is fighting.
MOM: You're angry with him.
DAUGHTER: He broke my game!
MOM: And you were upset...
DAUGHTER: No, I pushed him so as not to break him, and he hit me on the back with a cube.
MOTHER: It hurt... (Pause.)
DAUGHTER: It hurts, but you’re not here!
MOTHER: You wanted your mother to feel sorry for you.
DAUGHTER: I wanted to go with you...
MOTHER: Let’s go... (Pause.) DAUGHTER: You promised to take Igor and me to the zoo, I’m still waiting, waiting, but you don’t!”
Attention expressed in posture – repetition of phrases – affirmative phrase – pause – designation of feelings – expression of one’s perception – results.
Conversation on active listening method is very unusual for our culture, and it is not easy to master.
“How often do we leave children alone with the burden of various experiences with our decisive “It’s too late!” "It's time to sleep", while a few minutes of listening could really calm the child before bed,” he argues in his book Julia Gippenreiter.
It is important to remember one simple rule - any method, book, theory, technique you read will come to life only when you apply it every day. At first, you will have to pull yourself together, correct yourself so as not to return to your previous, habitual reactions (“what a horror! You broke a vase, and even got hurt!”, etc.) But soon, you will feel how the method of active listening becomes part of your manners of behavior. That’s when the real miraculous transformations will begin: relationships with children will move to a new qualitative level: understanding each other.
The reasons for a child's difficulties are often hidden in the sphere of his feelings. Then practical actions - showing, teaching, guiding - will not help him. In such cases, it is best... listen to the child. True, differently than we are used to. Psychologists have found and described in great detail a method "active listening" What does it mean to actively listen to a child? Here are some situations:
In all cases, when a child is upset, offended, has failed, when he is hurt, ashamed, scared, when he has been treated rudely or unfairly, and even when he is very tired, the first thing to do is let him know that you know about his experience (or condition), “hear” him. To do this, it is best to say what exactly you think the child is feeling now. Preferably call “by name” this feeling or experience.
Actively listening to a child means “returning” to him in a conversation what he told you, while indicating his feeling.
Let's return to our examples and select phrases in which parents name the child's feelings:
SON: He took my car!
MOM: You are very upset and angry with him.
SON: I won't go there again!
DAD: You don't want to go to school anymore.
DAUGHTER: I can't wear this ugly hat!
MOM: You don't like her very much.
Most likely, such answers will seem unusual and even unnatural to you. It would be much easier and more common to say:
- Well, it’s okay, he’ll play and give it back...
- How come you don’t go to school?!
– Stop being capricious, it’s a pretty decent hat!
Despite all the apparent justice of these answers, they have one common drawback: leaving the child alone with his experience. With their advice or critical remark, parents tell the child that his experience is not important, it is not taken into account. On the contrary, answers based on the method of active listening show that the parents understood the child’s internal situation and were ready, having heard more about it, to accept it. Such literal sympathy from mom or dad makes a very special impression on the child (it has no less, and sometimes much greater, influence on the parents themselves). Many parents who first tried to calmly “voice” their child’s feelings talk about unexpected, sometimes miraculous results. Here are two real cases.
Mom enters her daughter's room and sees a mess.
MOTHER: Nina, haven’t you cleaned your room yet?
DAUGHTER: Well, mom, later.
MOM: You really don’t want to clean right now.
DAUGHTER (suddenly throws herself on her mother’s neck): Mommy, how wonderful you are!
Another case was told by the father of a seven-year-old boy.
She and her son were in a hurry to catch the bus. The bus was the last one, and there was no way to be late for it. On the way, the boy asked to buy a chocolate bar, but his dad refused. Then the offended son began to sabotage his father’s haste: to lag behind, look around, stop for some “urgent” matters. Dad was faced with a choice: he couldn’t be late, and he also didn’t want to drag his son by the hand. And then he remembered our advice. “Denis,” he turned to his son, “you were upset because I didn’t buy you a chocolate bar, you were upset and offended by me.” As a result, something happened that dad didn’t expect at all: the boy peacefully put his hand in his dad’s, and they quickly headed to the bus.
Of course, the conflict is not always resolved so quickly. Sometimes a child, feeling his father or mother’s readiness to listen and understand him, willingly continues to talk about what happened. The adult can only actively listen to him further.
Some important features and additional rules of conversation using the method of active listening
1. If you want to listen to your child, be sure to turn to face him. It is also very important that his eyes and yours are at the same level. If the child is small, sit down next to him, take him in your arms or on your lap, you can slightly draw the child towards you, come up or move your chair closer to him. Avoid interacting with your child while in another room, facing the stove or sink with dishes, watching TV, reading a newspaper, sitting, reclining, or lying on the sofa. Your position in relation to him and your posture are the first and strongest signals of how ready you are to listen and hear him. Be very attentive to these signals, which a child of any age “reads” well, without even being consciously aware of it.
2. Secondly, if you are talking to an upset child, you should not ask him questions. It is advisable that your answers sound in the affirmative.
Eg:
FATHER: You were offended by him.
Possible incorrect remarks:
- And what happened? Are you offended by him?
Why is the father's first phrase more successful? Because it immediately shows that the father is tuned in to the “emotional wave” of his son, that he hears and accepts his sadness, in the second case, the child may think that the father is not with him at all, but as an external participant is only interested in “facts”, asks about them. In fact, this may not be the case at all, and the father, asking the question, may well sympathize with his son, but the fact is that the phrase framed as a question does not reflect sympathy.
It would seem that the difference between affirmative and interrogative answers is very insignificant, sometimes it is just subtle intonation, and the reaction to them can be very different. Often the question “What happened?” the upset child replies “Nothing!” And if you say “Something happened...”, then it may be easier for the child to start talking about what happened.
3. It is very important to “keep a pause” in a conversation. After each of your remarks, it is best to remain silent. Remember that this time belongs to the child, do not overwhelm him with your thoughts and comments. A pause helps the child understand his experience and at the same time more fully feel that you are nearby. You can find out that the child is not yet ready to hear your cue by his appearance. If his eyes are not looking at you, but to the side, “inside” or into the distance, then continue to be silent - the child is now doing very important and necessary internal work.
4. In your answer, it is also sometimes useful to repeat what exactly you understand happened to the child, and then indicate his feeling. Thus, the father's answer in the previous example could consist of two phrases.
SON (with a gloomy look): I won’t hang out with Petya anymore.
FATHER: You don’t want to be friends with him anymore. (Repeat what was heard.)
SON: Yes, I don’t want to.
FATHER (after a pause): You were offended by him. (Designation of feeling.)
Sometimes parents fear that the child will perceive the repetition of his words as mimicking. This can be avoided by using other words with the same content. For example, in our example, the father replaced the word “get around” with “be friends.” Practice shows that even if you use the same phrases, but at the same time accurately guess the child’s experience, he, as a rule, does not notice anything unusual, and the conversation continues successfully.
Of course, it may happen that in your answer you did not accurately guess the event or feeling of the child. Don't worry, your child will correct you in the next phrase. Be attentive to his amendment and show that you accept it.
Results of active listening:
Gradually, however, parents begin to discover at least two more remarkable changes of a more general nature.
First: Parents report that it is a miracle that their children themselves quickly begin to actively listen to them.
Second the change concerns the parents themselves. Very often, at the beginning of active listening classes, they share this unpleasant experience. “You say,” they turn to the psychologist, “that active listening helps to understand and feel the child’s problem, to talk to him heart to heart. At the same time you teach us a way or a method how to do it. Learn to construct phrases, find words, follow rules. What kind of heart-to-heart conversation is this? It turns out to be a complete “technique”, moreover, inconvenient and unnatural. Words don’t come to mind, phrases turn out clumsy and forced. And in general, it’s dishonest: we want the child to share his secrets with us, but we ourselves “apply” some methods to him.”
You often hear such or approximately similar objections in the first two or three lessons. But gradually the parents’ experiences begin to change. This usually happens after the first successful attempts to conduct a conversation with the child in a different way. Success inspires parents, they begin to have a different attitude towards “technology” and at the same time notice something new in themselves. They find that they become more sensitive to the child's needs and grief and more easily accept his “negative” feelings. Parents say that over time they begin to find more patience in themselves, become less irritated with the child, and better see how and why he feels bad. It turns out that the “technique” of active listening turns out to be a means of transforming parents. We think we are “applying” it to children, but it changes us. This is its wonderful hidden property.
As for parents’ concerns about artificiality, “techniques” and “techniques,” one comparison that I often make in class helps overcome it.
It is well known that beginning ballerinas spend hours in exercises that are far from natural from the point of view of our usual ideas. For example, they learn positions that place their feet at different angles, including 180 degrees. With such an “inverted” position of the legs, ballerinas must freely maintain balance, squat, follow the movements of their arms... and all this is necessary so that later they can dance easily and freely, without thinking about any technique. The same goes for communication skills. They are difficult and sometimes unusual at first, but when you master them, the “technique” disappears and becomes the art of communication.
To learn to understand your child well, you need to learn to listen to him. If you don’t have the time or desire to listen to what the child wants to tell you, you shouldn’t even start, psychologists say. To establish contact between a child and his parents, the latter need to learn to tune in to the child as a communication partner whenever he wants to talk, pay special attention to the child and his problem, and be able to put himself in his place. Psychologists advise using active listening techniques when communicating with children, which will help avoid misunderstandings and mistrust.
At the core active listening techniques lies in understanding the child’s condition, returning his own information to him and identifying the emotions associated with it. After all, it is very important for a child that his parents understand how he feels, and not just understand the situation, finding out the events and facts that happened.
By active listening technique You need to start understanding the problem by reflecting the child’s emotions and putting them into verbal form. Thus, in response to the child’s statement “I will no longer be friends with Dima,” parents need to first repeat what he said, confirming that the child was heard: “You don’t want to be friends with him anymore,” and then indicate the emotion that the child experiences about this: "You're upset with him." It is such an affirmative answer that will make it clear to the child that they are ready to listen to him and he will want to continue discussing this problem. Seeing the child's upset appearance, you can simply say affirmatively, “Something happened,” and then it will be easier for the child to start his story.
While the questions “What happened?” and “Why are you upset with him?” do not carry a feeling of empathy, showing the parents’ interest in events, and not in the emotions of the child, who is left alone with his feelings. Moreover, to the question “What happened?” an upset child may answer “Nothing” and the conversation will not work.
When the child’s contact with his parents is established, and the child understands that his feelings are not indifferent to adults, he tunes in to the conversation. Further clarification of the circumstances is based on the adult’s questions and the child’s answers. During such a conversation, the child articulates the problem and finds ways to solve it himself.
The active listening technique has its own rules for conducting a conversation.
1. If you are ready to listen to the child, turn to face him so that your eyes are at the same level as the child’s eyes.
2. When you repeat from the child’s words what happened and indicate his feelings about this, make sure that the child does not feel like he is being teased. Speak in a natural, calm voice, and use other words with the same meaning.
3. During the conversation, try to refrain from your thoughts and comments and try to pause after the child’s answers. Do not rush your child, give him the opportunity to think about his experiences and collect his thoughts. If the child looks to the side, into the distance, or “inward,” then pause, because at this moment very important and necessary internal work is happening in the child.
4. Avoid things that interfere with active listening:
questioning, guessing, interpreting;
advice and ready-made solutions;
orders, warnings, threats;
criticism, insult, accusations, ridicule;
moral teachings, reading notations;
verbal sympathy, persuasion;
laughing it off, avoiding a conversation.
The results of parents using the technique of active listening to the child:
The child’s negative experiences weaken, and positive experiences intensify according to the principle: shared joy doubles, shared grief is halved.
The child’s conviction that an adult is ready to listen to him gives rise to a desire to talk with an adult and talk about himself.
Speaking and thinking about the problem, which occurs while the child is answering questions from adults, helps him find a suitable solution himself.
Very often, the causes of childhood experiences and suffering are hidden not only in certain actions and contact with others. Many stressful situations in the soul of a young creature lie in his emotional sphere. How to help your child and let him know that you understand and hear him. An effective technique, which in psychology is called “active listening,” will help with this.
Preschool age is the foundation for the development of personality, which is actively formed in the process of communication. The main people who influence the development of a preschooler’s personality are his parents. They are the ones who lay the foundation for the development of their child’s personality and are an example for the development of their children’s communication skills. One of the main signs of excellent communication skills is the ability to listen and the ability to do this at a high level. In fact, no more than 12% of people can listen to another person in a balanced, calm manner, delving into the topic of the conversation and qualitatively perceiving the information they hear.
By communicating, the child satisfies his need to be understood and accepted by an adult. It is very important for children to be listened to, heard and understood. If a parent learns to be a good listener, he will be guaranteed success in communicating with his child.
Remember a time when you were listened to in such a way that you had a desire to talk with this person, and at the end of the conversation you were filled with a feeling of relief, your need and a sense of the importance of your person. It is likely that you will not remember too many such dialogues.
Before you start learning a new technique for listening to your baby, determine whether you have problems with the perception of your interlocutor. To do this, take a simple psychological test.
You must answer the test questions truthfully. If your answer is “yes” - give 0 points, and if “no” - 1 point.
1. Do you end a conversation with your child if the topic does not interest you?
2. Do you interrupt your child?
3. Does it happen that you pretend to listen carefully to your child, but in reality you are thinking about something else?
4. When communicating with a child, can you often hear notes of irony towards the baby in your intonation?
5. Do some of your baby’s mannerisms during communication make you feel irritated?
If you have from 4 to 5 points, you are a good listener (but there are no limits to perfection), if less than 4 to 5 points, you need to develop your communication skills.
While listening to your child, you perform the following basic tasks:
1. Perceive the content of the information presented by the baby;
2. You catch and perceive your child’s emotional state.
During the listening process, you need to constantly ask yourself the question: “What is my child saying?” and “As he speaks.” It is very important to understand what the child is experiencing at this moment: impatience, irritability, perhaps he is worried, indifferent, or has a great desire to stop the dialogue.
It is also very important to constantly provide feedback: reflect information and feelings of your child. Parents will be helped to do this correctly and logically by the very effective “active listening” technique, which has gained authority among young parents in many countries and has made it possible to bring communication between parents and children to a new high level.
This is a way of listening in which the full display of the information heard comes to the fore. This is a type of perception of their baby in which the parents repeat in their own words what the child said, thereby letting him know that they fully understand him and share his problems and feelings.
Active listening is divided into non-reflective and reflective.
Non-reflective listening
This is the simplest way of listening. Parents simply verbally reflect the thoughts and words of their baby. In the process of this type of active listening, very attentive silence is widely used, as well as minimal reaction with short words like: “Yeah”, “Uh-huh”, “Huh?”, “So-so”, “Go ahead”, “Yes?”, “I understand,” “Really?”
Reflective Listening
Sometimes just reacting with words is not enough. Then it is necessary to enter into a conversation and express your own, parental point of view, that is, move on to the next type of active listening - reflective. The parent asks the child for explanations that duplicate, generalize, and reflect his feelings. In this case, it is recommended to actively use the following phrases: “Could you explain (explain)?”, “What would you like to say by this?”, “Could you repeat (remind) again?”
An important step in this type of listening is retelling. This is repeating in your own words the content you heard from your child. The adult paraphrases the essence of what he heard so that the child fully appreciates how correctly the parent understood him. It is important to convey what the child said in his own words. Here, actively use the following expressions: “Do you mean...”, “As far as I could understand you...”, “So, you think...”, “In other words, you think...”.
This is how the adult shows his child that he fully understood his message. If the discussion of the topic has dragged on, it is necessary to sum it up with the following phrase: “If I understand you correctly...”. The reflection of the child’s feelings is considered extremely important. At the same time, the parent can express his sincere sympathy to the baby. It is necessary to name in an affirmative form the emotions and sensations experienced by the child: “You are offended (irritated, upset)”, “You are worried...”, “I understand how difficult it is for you”, “Poor thing, how you got it.”
Reflective listening involves more active communication with the child (“You think the boy did this on purpose to offend you”).
By actively listening to the child, the adult makes him understand and feel that he is understood and that he is not alone in his problem and experiences. This style of communication helps the child recognize his own feelings and relieve emotional stress.
Active listening will help the baby to be understandable and very close to his parents. Actively listening to your baby means paraphrasing the information that the baby has communicated. Using this technique, parents clearly voice the child's feelings in an affirmative form.
Here are some examples of using active listening techniques between parents and children:
Child: “She took my pencil.” Mom: “You’re offended by her.”
- Child: “I won’t go to kindergarten.” Mom: “You don’t want to go to kindergarten anymore.”
- Child: “I won’t wear this suit.” Father: “You don’t like this suit.”
Parents who voice their child's feelings and emotions always get very unexpected results.
Here's an example: a father walks into his son's room and finds it in great disarray. Father: “Son, haven’t you cleaned up the room?” Son: “Later.” Father: “You don’t want to clean now.” Son: “Dad, you are my best!”
Enables the baby to realize and understand his feelings;
Allows you to explain to the child that his parents accept him for who he is;
This is a unique way of influencing kids, which allows them to find solutions to their own problems on their own.
O This style of communication helps the baby overcome the fear of negative feelings;
o Active listening creates a warm relationship between parent and child;
o Active listening helps solve the child's problems;
o Active listening helps the child learn to listen to the thoughts and ideas of the parents;
o Active listening develops independence in the child, fosters self-control, responsibility and independence.
In order for the active listening technique to become truly effective and help establish a relationship with their baby, parents must adhere to the following rules:
Parents must remain calm;
- Parents must have the desire to hear their baby, penetrate his inner world, understand his feelings, and also sincerely help him in solving the problems that have arisen at the present time;
- Parents must learn to truly accept all the feelings and emotions of their child as they are;
- Parents must have complete trust in their child;
- Parents should not be afraid to show all their feelings towards the baby;
- Perceive your child as a special, unique person;
- When communicating with your child, show kindness;
- When communicating with your child, avoid personal assessments, constant reproaches and comments on what the child said. Respect his point of view;
- Do not ask too many questions;
- Give the baby enough time to think. Don't push or rush him;
- Leave the baby alone if you notice that he has no desire to communicate at the moment. This is fine. Don't reproach or scold him for this. Children, like adults, can have different moods;
- Do not criticize your baby or, at least, do it very rarely! Moreover, you cannot criticize and lecture children in front of strangers.
The main requirement of active listening for parents: while communicating with your child, put aside all your feelings and thoughts. You should listen only to your baby's message and focus on it as much as possible. Only in this case will the technique work and your communication will become truly sincere (remember that children feel pretense and insincerity very strongly).
Take sufficient breaks to give your baby some time to be alone with himself, his thoughts and listen to his own feelings.
When communicating with your child, try to position yourself so that your eyes are directly opposite the baby's eye level (eye-to-eye communication).
Parents use the method of active listening to manipulate the child and strive to make him obedient. This behavior is very traumatic for the baby. Over time, he will begin to be wary of his parents;
Parents do not know how to accept a child without evaluation. They often use moralizing. As a result of such communication, your child will remain alone with his problems. Contact with parents will never be established;
Parents focus on reflecting certain events that happen to their child, and not on pronouncing his sensations, emotions and feelings;
Parents actively listen to their child without expressing any sympathy or empathy;
Parents often start using active listening techniques at the most inopportune times;
Parents pretend, pretend to listen to their child;
Adults interrupt the baby's speech;
Parents often make too hasty conclusions and conclusions;
Parents ask their child an excessive number of questions. He simply doesn’t have time to think how to answer them. And children who are too young simply do not yet know how to answer them.
All parental mistakes when using the active listening technique arise when the basic rules (laws) of this method of communication between parents and children are not followed.
All the baby’s negative experiences disappear completely and without a trace;
- Your baby begins to talk very actively about himself, he opens up to his parents;
- The baby takes his first and confident steps in solving his own problems independently.
Preschool children who are deprived of normal and full communication with adults develop rather poorly both physically and mentally.
Children who have problems of this nature are the result of incorrect relationships in the family!
It is only in the hands of wise and caring parents to choose the right and effective style of communication with their children in order to ensure their harmonious development and happy future!
In the book “HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH A CHILD?” psychologist Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter talks about communication between parents and children, but the methods she proposes are universal - they can and should be used in any communication. Perhaps they will help some of you improve relationships with loved ones or colleagues. (approx. site hosts)
Lesson five. How to listen to a child
The reasons for a child's difficulties are often hidden in the sphere of his feelings. Then practical actions - showing, teaching, guiding - will not help him. In such cases, it is best... listen to him. True, differently than we are used to. Psychologists have found and described in great detail the method of “helpful listening,” otherwise it is called "active listening"
What does it mean to actively listen to a child? I'll start with situations.
A mother is sitting on a bench in the park, and her three-year-old baby runs up to her in tears: “He took my car!”
The son returns from school, throws his briefcase on the floor in anger, and answers his father’s question: “I won’t go there again!”
My daughter is going for a walk; Mom reminds us that we need to dress warmly, but the daughter is capricious: she refuses to put on “that ugly hat.”
In all cases, when a child is upset, offended, has failed, when he is hurt, ashamed, scared, when he has been treated rudely or unfairly, and even when he is very tired, the first thing to do is to let him know that you know about his experience (or state), “hear” him.
To do this, it is best to say what exactly, in your impression, the child is feeling now. It is advisable to call this feeling or experience “by name”.
I will repeat what was said briefly. If the child emotional problem, you need to actively listen to him.
Actively listening to a child means “returning” to him in a conversation what he told you, while indicating his feeling.
Let's return to our examples and select phrases in which the parent names the child's feeling:
SON: He took my car!
MOM You are very sad and angry with him.
SON: I won't go there again!
DAD: You don't want to go to school anymore.
DAUGHTER: I won't wear this ugly hat!
MOM: You don't like her very much.
Let me note right away: most likely such answers will seem unusual and even unnatural to you. It would be much easier and more common to say:
- Well, it’s okay, he’ll play and give it back...
- How come you don’t go to school?!
- Stop being capricious, it's a pretty decent hat!
Despite all the apparent justice of these answers, they have one common drawback: they leave the child alone with his experience.
With his advice or critical remark, the parent seems to be telling the child that his experience is unimportant and is not taken into account. On the contrary, responses using the method of active listening show that the parent understood the child’s internal situation, is ready to hear more about it, and accept it.
Such literal sympathy from the parent makes a very special impression on the child (I note that it has no less, and sometimes much greater, influence on the parent himself, about which a little below). Many parents who first tried to calmly “voice” their child’s feelings talk about unexpected, sometimes miraculous results. I will give two real cases.
Mom enters her daughter's room and sees a mess.
MOTHER: Nina, you still haven’t cleaned your room!
DAUGHTER: Well, mom, later!
MOM You really don’t want to clean now...
DAUGHTER (suddenly throws herself on her mother’s neck): Mommy, how wonderful you are!
Another case was told by the father of a seven-year-old boy.
She and her son were in a hurry to catch the bus. The bus was the last one, and there was no way to be late for it. On the way, the boy asked to buy a chocolate bar, but his dad refused. Then the offended son began to sabotage his father’s haste: to lag behind, look around, stop for some “urgent” matters. Dad was faced with a choice: he couldn’t be late, and he also didn’t want to drag his son by the hand. And then he remembered our advice: “Denis,” he turned to his son, “you were upset because I didn’t buy you a chocolate bar, you were upset and offended by me.”
As a result, something happened that dad didn’t expect at all: the boy peacefully put his hand in his dad’s, and they quickly walked towards the bus.
Of course, conflicts are not always resolved so quickly. Sometimes a child, feeling his father or mother’s readiness to listen and understand him, willingly continues to talk about what happened. The adult can only actively listen to him further.
Let me give you an example of a longer conversation in which a mother “voiced” several times what she heard and saw while talking with a crying child.
Mom is busy talking about business. Her five-year-old daughter and ten-year-old son are playing in the next room. Suddenly there is a loud cry.
The crying approaches my mother’s door, and the handle from the corridor begins to twitch. Mom opens the door, a crying daughter stands in front of her, buried in the doorframe, and a confused son stands behind her.
DAUGHTER: Oooh!
MOM: Misha offended you... (Pause.)
DAUGHTER (continues to cry): He dropped me!
MOTHER: He pushed you, you fell and hurt yourself... (Pause.) ;
DAUGHTER (stopping crying, but still in an offended tone): No, he didn’t catch me.
MOTHER: You were jumping from somewhere, but he couldn’t hold you and you fell... (Pause.)
Misha, who stands behind with a guilty look, nods his head affirmatively.
DAUGHTER (already calmly): Yes... I want to come to you. (Climbs onto mom's lap.)
MOTHER (after a while): You want to be with me, but you’re still offended by Misha and don’t want to play with him...
DAUGHTER: No. He listens to his records there, but I’m not interested.
MISHA: Okay, let's go, I'll play your record for you...
This dialogue gives us the opportunity to pay attention to some important features and additional rules of conversation in the method of active listening.
Firstly, if you want to listen to a child, be sure to turn to face him. It is also very important that his eyes and yours were on the same level. If the child is small, sit down next to him, take him in your arms or on your knees; You can lightly pull the child towards you, approach or move your chair closer to him.
Avoid communicating with your child while in another room, facing the stove or the sink with dishes; watching TV, reading the newspaper; sitting, leaning back in a chair
or lying on the sofa. Your position in relation to him and your posture are the first and the strongest signals about how ready you are to listen and hear him. Be very attentive to these signals, which a child of any age “reads” well, without even being consciously aware of it.
Secondly If you are talking to an upset or upset child, you should not ask him questions. It is advisable that your answers sound in the affirmative.
For example:
PARENT: You were offended by him.
Possible incorrect remarks:
- And what happened?
- Are you offended by him?
Why is the parent's first phrase more successful? Because it immediately shows that the parent is tuned in to the “emotional wave” of his son, that he hears and accepts his grief; in the second case, the child may think that the parent is not with him at all, but as an external participant is only interested in “facts” and asks about them. In fact, this may not be the case at all, and the father, asking the question, may well sympathize with his son, but the fact is that the phrase framed as a question does not reflect sympathy.
It would seem that the difference between affirmative and interrogative sentences is very insignificant, sometimes it is just subtle intonation, and the reaction to them can be very different. Often the question: “What happened?” a distressed child answers: “Nothing!”, and if you say: “Something happened...”, then it is easier for the child to start talking about what happened.
Third, very important in conversation "keep a pause." After each of your remarks, it is best to remain silent. Remember that this time belongs to the child; Don’t overwhelm him with your thoughts and comments. A pause helps the child understand his experience and at the same time more fully feel that you are nearby. It’s good to remain silent after the child’s answer - maybe he will add something. You can find out that the child is not yet ready to hear your cue by his appearance. If his eyes are not looking at you, but to the side, “inside” or into the distance, then continue to be silent: very important and necessary internal work is happening in him now.
Fourth, in your answer it is also sometimes useful to repeat what you understand happened to the child, and then indicate his feeling. Thus, the father's answer in the previous example could consist of two phrases.
SON (with a gloomy look): I won’t hang out with Petya anymore!
FATHER: You don’t want to be friends with him anymore. (Repeat what was heard).
SON: Yes, I don’t want to...
FATHER (after a pause): You were offended by him... (Designation of feelings).
Sometimes parents fear that the child will perceive the repetition of his words as mimicking. This can be avoided by using other words with the same meaning. For example, in our example, the father replaced the word “get around” with “be friends.” Practice shows that even if you use the same phrases, but at the same time accurately guess the child’s experience, he, as a rule, does not notice anything unusual, and the conversation continues successfully.
Of course, it may happen that in your answer you did not accurately guess the event that happened or the child’s feeling. Don't be embarrassed, he will correct you in the next sentence. Be attentive to his amendment and show that you accept it.
So, in the example with two children, it was only the third time that the mother guessed what happened to the girl and her brother (“You jumped from somewhere, but he couldn’t hold you…”). And after that, my daughter immediately calmed down.
I would like to point out again that active listening conversation is very unusual in our culture and is not easy to master. However, this method will quickly win your favor once you see the results it gives. There are at least three of them. They can also be signs that you are listening to your child well. I will list them.
1. Disappears or at least the child’s negative experience is greatly weakened. There is a remarkable pattern here: shared joy is doubled, shared grief is halved.
2. The child, making sure that the adult is ready to listen to him, begins to tell more and more about himself: the theme of the story (complaint) changes and develops. Sometimes in one conversation a whole tangle of problems and sorrows unexpectedly unwinds.
...Mom puts four-year-old Masha to bed, and the girl asks to sit with her.
DAUGHTER: Mommy, just a little more, just a little bit!
MOM: Mashenka, it’s late, all the guys are sleeping.
DAUGHTER: Alone and alone all day, I don’t want any more!
MOTHER: You play with the kids in the garden all day long... (Remembers active listening.) You feel lonely...
DAUGHTER: Yes, there are a lot of kids, but mom is not allowed into the garden.
MOM: You miss me.
DAUGHTER: I miss you, and Sasha Petrov is fighting.
MOM: You're angry with him. DAUGHTER: He broke my game! MOTHER: And you were upset... DAUGHTER: No, I pushed him so as not to break him, and he hit me on the back with a cube.
MOTHER: It hurt... (Pause.)
DAUGHTER: It hurts, but you’re not here!
MOTHER: You wanted your mother to feel sorry for you.
DAUGHTER: I wanted to go with you...
MOTHER: Let's go... (Pause.) DAUGHTER: You promised to take Igor and me to the zoo, I keep waiting and waiting, but you don't take me!
How often do we leave children alone with the burden of various experiences with our decisive “It’s late!”, “It’s time to go to bed,” while a few minutes of listening could truly calm the child before bed.
Many parents report that active listening helped them connect with their children for the first time.
Here is an example from T. Gordon's book.
The father of a fifteen-year-old girl, returning from a parenting course where he was introduced to active listening, found his daughter in the kitchen chatting with her classmate. The teenagers discussed school in unflattering terms. “I sat down on a chair,” my father later said, “and decided to actively listen to them, no matter what it cost me. As a result, the guys talked without closing their mouths for two and a half hours, and during this time I learned more about my daughter’s life than in the previous few years!”
3. The child himself moves forward in solving his problem.
I quote almost verbatim the story of a young woman who attended our courses:
“My sister Lena is fourteen years old. Sometimes she comes to visit me. Before her next visit, her mother called and said that Lena had gotten involved with a bad company. The boys and girls in this group smoke, drink, and scam each other out of money. Mom is very concerned and asks me to somehow influence my sister.
In a conversation with Lena, the conversation comes up about her friends. I feel that her mood is deteriorating. - Lena, I see that you are not very pleased to talk about your friends.
- But not very.
- But you have a real friend.
- Of course, there is Galka. And the rest... I don’t even know.
“You feel like others might let you down.”
- I think, yes…
“You don’t know how to treat them.”
- Yes…
- And they treat you very well. Lena reacts violently:
- Well, no, I wouldn’t say that! If they treated me well, they wouldn’t force me to borrow money from neighbors for wine, and then ask my mother for it to give it back.
- Yes... You think that normal people don’t act like that.
- Of course they don’t! Over there Galka is not friends with them and studies well. And I don’t even have time to do my homework.
-Your studies have become worse.
“The teacher even called home and complained to my mother.
“Mom, of course, was very upset. You feel sorry for her.
“I love my mother very much and I don’t want her to be upset, but I can’t help it.” My character has somehow become terrible. Just a little bit - I start to be rude.
“You understand that being rude is bad, but something inside you pushes you to say something rude, to offend a person...
- I do not want to offend anyone. On the contrary, it always seems to me that they want to offend me. They teach something all the time...
- It seems to you that you are being offended and taught...
- Well, yes. Then I understand that they want the best and are right in some ways.
“You understand that they are right, but you don’t want to show it.”
- Yes, otherwise they will think that I will always obey them in everything.
— The guys from the company also don’t want to obey their parents...
“They even deceive them.”
- They even deceive. If they deceive their parents, then why should they deceive their friends...
- Exactly! I got it now. They deceived me with money: they are not going to give it back. In general, I'm tired of them, and I'll tell them to their face what kind of people they are.
— Lena went home. A few days later my mother calls:
- Olya, Pena apologized to me. She said that she understood everything. And in general she became a different person - affectionate, kind, does not go out with company, more often sits at home, does homework, reads. And the most important thing is that I am very satisfied. Thank you!"
You have seen three positive results that can be discovered (any one of them or all at once) from successful active listening to a child already during the conversation.
Gradually, however, parents begin to discover at least two more remarkable changes, of a more general nature.
First: parents report that it’s a miracle that their children themselves quickly become active listen to them.
The mother of four-year-old Nadya tells.
The other day we sit down to dinner, I put a plate of food in front of Nadya, but she turns away and refuses to eat. I lower my eyes and think about how to say it correctly. But then I hear my daughter’s words:
NADYA: Mommy, you’re going to cry now...
MOM: Yes. Nadya, I'm upset that you don't want to have lunch.
NADYA: I understand that you are offended. You cooked, but I don’t eat your lunch...
MOM: Yes, I really wanted you to like your dinner. I tried hard.
NADYA: Okay, mommy, I’ll eat everything, every last drop.
And really - I ate everything!
Second the change concerns the parents themselves. Very often, at the beginning of active listening classes, they share this unpleasant experience. “You say,” they turn to the psychologist, “that active listening helps to understand and feel the child’s problem, to talk to him heart to heart. At the same time you teach us a way or a method how to do it. Learn to construct phrases, find words, follow rules... What kind of heart-to-heart conversation is this? It turns out to be a complete “technique”, moreover, inconvenient and unnatural. Words don’t come to mind, phrases turn out clumsy and forced. And in general, it’s dishonest: we want the child to share his secrets with us, but we ourselves “apply” some methods to him.”
You often hear such or approximately similar objections in the first two or three lessons. But gradually the parents’ experiences begin to change. This usually happens after the first successful attempts to conduct a conversation with the child in a different way. Success inspires parents, they begin to have a different attitude towards “technology” and at the same time notice something new in themselves. They feel like they are becoming more sensitive to the needs and sorrows of the child, it is easier to accept his “negative” feelings. Parents say that over time they begin to find more patience in themselves, become less irritated with the child, and better see how and why he feels bad. It turns out that the “technique” of active listening turns out to be a means of transforming parents. We think we are “applying” it to children, but it changes us. This is its wonderful hidden property.
As for parents’ concerns about artificiality, “techniques” and “techniques,” one comparison that I often make in class helps overcome it.
It is well known that beginning ballerinas spend hours in exercises that are far from natural from the point of view of our usual ideas. For example, they learn positions that place their feet at different angles, including 180 degrees.
With such an “inverted” position of the legs, ballerinas must freely maintain balance, squat, follow the movements of their arms... and all this is necessary so that later they can dance easily and freely, without thinking about any technique. The same goes for communication skills. They are difficult and sometimes unusual at first, but when you master them, the “technique” disappears and becomes the art of communication.
Here is a table in which you need to fill out the “child’s feelings” column. In the left column you will find a description of the situation and the child’s words; on the right, write what feelings you think he experiences in this case. Don't think about your answer yet.
| The child's situation and words | Child's feelings | Your Answer |
| 1. (Sample): “Today, when I was leaving school, a hooligan boy knocked out my briefcase and everything spilled out of it.”2. (The child was given an injection, cries): “The doctor is bad!”.3. (The eldest son to his mother): “You always protect her, You say “little, little,” but you never feel sorry for me.” 4. “I didn’t understand anything in math class today.” and told the teacher about it, and all the guys laughed.” 5. (The child drops the cup and it breaks): “Oh!!! My little cha-ashka!” 6. (Flies into the door): “Mom, you know, today I I was the first to write and pass the test!” 7. “Well, wow, I forgot to turn on the TV, and there was continuation of the film! |
Sadness, resentment | You were very upset, and it was very offensive. |
In fact, this is a continuation of the first task. Write your response to the child's words in the third column. In this phrase, indicate the feeling that (in your opinion) he is experiencing (see example).
Note. You will find the correct answers to this and the previous tasks at the end of the lesson.
Start doing the same in your daily communication with your child: notice the moments of his various experiences when he is offended, upset, afraid, does not want, tired, angry, joyful, impatient, passionate... and name them in your address to him. Don't forget about the narrative (not interrogative) form of your remarks and the pause after your words.
QUESTION: Is it always necessary to actively listen to a child? For example, yesterday my son came home with torn trousers. At least he cares, but I’m in despair: where can I get them now? Was it really necessary to actively listen to him here too?
ANSWER: No, don't. When the child “at least has something”, and you are worried, then the situation is exactly the opposite of what we had in mind until now. We will discuss how to react in this case through the lesson.
Another case when you don’t need to actively listen is a question like “Mom, what time is it?” It would be ridiculous to answer: “You want to know what time it is...”
QUESTION: Is it necessary to respond in expanded phrases when listening to a child?
ANSWER: Not at all necessary. One mother writes: “My daughter, coming home from school, talks, without closing her mouth, about everything that happened. All I can do is nod my head and assent.”
This mother behaves naturally and completely correctly. When a child, overwhelmed with impressions, speaks “without closing his mouth,” all he needs is your presence and attention. Psychologists called this method “passive listening” - passive, of course, only externally. Here we use short phrases and words, interjections, simply facial signs that indicate that you are listening and responding to children’s feelings: “Yes, yes...”, “Aha!”, “Really?”, “Tell me more...”, “ Interesting”, “That’s what you said!”, “Just about...”, “So what?”, “Wonderful!”, “Wow!..”, etc.
Short words are also appropriate when talking about negative experiences. In the opera “The Snow Maiden” there is a scene - a duet: a girl comes to the old king of the Berendeys. She complains that her lover left her, having fallen in love with the Snow Maiden. The girl’s sad speech flows, and the wise old man softly replies, “Say, say...”, “Say, baby...”, “Tell, dear...”, “Tell, I’m listening.” Isn’t it a fascinating example of the art of listening, which came to us from the depths of folk culture! And the wise grandmothers, for whom everyone now yearns, weren’t they the ones who listened?
QUESTION: How to listen to a child if you have no time? How to interrupt it?
ANSWER: If you don’t have time, it’s better not to start. You need to have some extra time. Started and interrupted attempts to listen to a child can only result in disappointment. The worst thing is when a conversation that started well is abruptly ended by a parent:
- Vasya, it's time to go home.
- Dad, please, a little more!
- You want to play a little more... (Actively listens).
- Yes, it’s so interesting here!
- How much longer?
- Well, at least half an hour.
- No, that's too much. Go home now!
When such cases are repeated, the child may only grow distrust of his father, and he will begin to evaluate attempts at active listening as a way to gain his trust, so that later he can hit him harder. Such mistakes are especially dangerous if you have not yet had good contact with your child and you are only taking the first steps.
QUESTION: What if active listening doesn't help? For example, the other day I told my daughter: “It’s time to sit down for homework.” And she answers. “No, there is still time, I don’t want to now.” I said to her: “You don’t want to now...” She: “Yes, I don’t want to,” and she didn’t sit down!
ANSWER: This question helps clarify a common misconception among parents that active listening is the way to get what you want from your child.
Not at all, active listening is a way to establish better contact with a child, a way to show that you unconditionally accept him with all his refusals, troubles, and experiences. It may take some time for such contact to appear, during which the child will become convinced that you have become more attentive to his problems. If, on the contrary, he suspects that you are hoping to influence him “in your favor” in some new way, then the resistance to your attempts will only increase.
Answers to tasks 1 and 2, lesson 5.
1. Possible parent answers:
2. You were very upset and it was insulting.
3. You are in pain, you are angry with the doctor.
4. You want me to protect you too.
5. It was very awkward and offensive.
6. You were scared, and you really feel sorry for the cup.
7. Great! I see you are very happy.
8. Very annoying...
Lesson six. Twelve against one
Parents who are trying to learn active listening complain of great difficulties: usual answers- everything except what is necessary.
At one of the classes, a group of parents were asked to write how they would respond to the following complaint from their daughter:
- Tanya doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore. Today she was playing and laughing with another girl, but they didn’t even look at me.
Here were the answers:
- Try to approach them first: maybe they will accept you too.
- You yourself are probably to blame for something.
- Of course, it’s very disappointing. But maybe Tanya is more interesting with that girl. It’s better not to force your friendship on her, but find yourself another girlfriend.
- And you invite Tanya to play with your new doll.
- I do not know what to do. Give them something.
- This often happens in life. Try not to worry so much.
“Didn’t you have a quarrel with her?”
- Stop worrying. Let's play better.
The parents were very surprised to learn that not a single answer was successful. In the last two decades, psychologists have done very important work: they have identified types of traditional parental statements - real interference on the path of active listening to the child. There were twelve of them! Let's get to know these types automatic replies parents, as well as what children hear in them.
1. Orders, commands: “Stop it now!”, “Take it away!”, “Take out the bucket!”, “Hurry to bed!”, “So I don’t hear this again!”, “Shut up!”.
Such words evoke a feeling of powerlessness, or even abandonment “in trouble.”
In response, children usually resist, grumble, take offense, and become stubborn.
MOTHER: Vova, get dressed quickly (team), we’re late for kindergarten!
VOVA: I can’t, help me.
MOM: Don't make things up! (Order.) How many times have I dressed myself!
MOM: New tricks! Come on, get dressed now! (Order again.)
VOVA: But mine doesn’t fasten. MOTHER: If you don’t fasten it, you’ll just go, all the guys will see what a slob you are.
VOVA (in a crying voice): You are bad...
But the conversation could have developed completely differently:
MOTHER: Vova, get dressed quickly, we’re late for kindergarten!
VOVA: I can’t, help me.
MOTHER: (stops for a minute): You can’t handle it on your own.
VOVA: The shirt is disgusting, I don’t want it.
MOM: You don't like the shirt.
VOVA Yes, the guys laughed yesterday and said it was girly.
MOTHER: It was very unpleasant for you. I understand... Let's wear this one!
VOVA (relieved): Come on! (Gets dressed quickly.)
Note that in this conversation, the mother’s first responses to the boy’s words (“You can’t handle it yourself,” “You don’t like the shirt”) set her up to really listen to him, to hear his answers, and not just her orders. As a result the son willingly shares his real problem, and the mother is ready to accept it. If the conversation proceeds in the first way, then the following type of parental phrases inevitably appears.
2. Warnings, Cautions, Threats: “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll leave”, “Make sure it doesn’t get worse”, “This will happen again, and I’ll grab the belt!”, “If you don’t arrive on time, blame yourself.”
Threats are meaningless if the child is currently having an unpleasant experience. They only drive him into an even greater dead end.
So, at the end of the first conversation, the mother resorted to a threat: “... just keep going, all the guys will see what a slob you are,” which was followed by tears and an attack from the boy against his mother.
Are you familiar with such scenes? Does it happen that as a result you react by tightening the screws even more, making another threat, or shouting?
Threats and warnings are also bad because when repeated frequently, children get used to them and stop reacting to them. Then some parents move from words to deeds and quickly move from weak punishments to stronger, and sometimes cruel ones: a capricious child is “left” alone on the street, the door is locked, the adult’s hand reaches for the belt...
3. Morals, teachings, sermons: “You must behave properly,” “Every person must work,” “You must respect adults.”
Usually children do not learn anything new from such phrases. Nothing changes because they hear it for the “one hundred and first time.” They feel the pressure of external authority, sometimes guilt, sometimes boredom, and most often all combined.
The fact is that moral principles and moral behavior are brought up in children not so much through words as through the atmosphere in the house, through imitation of the behavior of adults, especially parents. If everyone in the family works hard, refrains from using rude words, does not lie, and shares homework, then rest assured that the child knows how to behave correctly.
If he violates the “norms of behavior,” then it’s worth looking to see if anyone in the family behaves in the same or similar way. If this reason disappears, then, most likely, another one is at work: your child “goes beyond” because of his internal disorder and emotional distress. In both cases, verbal teaching is the worst way to help the cause.
The parents of two children, Anya, nine years old, and Vasya, thirteen years old, are leaving for two weeks on a business trip. During this time, the mother’s sister, their aunt, moves into the house with her eleven-year-old daughter Lena. A rather “explosive mixture” is formed from three children of “difficult” and “pre-difficult” ages. Vasya and Anya yearn for their parents who have left; the appearance of a cousin with her mother does not make things any easier, but rather the opposite: the children experience feelings of jealousy and envy (“she has a mother, but we don’t”), resulting in a desire to tease and even offend her. Although all three play together a lot, disputes and quarrels often arise in which siblings unite against Lena, who often cries. Auntie tries to be “fair” and not take anyone’s side. This doesn’t help her nephews much (mom is still gone), and her daughter always feels like her mom is always protecting “them” and not her. The little hell is about to reach its peak. Children are quarreling at the TV - what program to watch. Vasya pushes his cousin hard right in the face, she falls, sobbing loudly. Her mother comes running from the next room and finds the scene: Vasya and his younger sister look scared, but wary, “ready for battle”; Lena lies on the floor, crying loudly.
AUNT: What happened!?
LENA: He hit me in the face!
AUNT (turns an angry look at Vasya): !!!
ANYA: She turned it on, and he switched it, and she turned it on again, and then he pushed her... so... (Shows.)
AUNT (indignantly - to Vasya): Pushed him right in the face!
VASYA: Yes.
AUNT: Do you know that you can’t touch a person’s face under any circumstances?!
VASYA: It is known!
AUNT: Do you know that hitting someone in the face is the greatest insult that can be inflicted on a person?!
VASYA: I know.
AUNT: I knew, and yet I did it! Made it on purpose!
VASYA (challengingly): Yes, on purpose! (Runs away.)
After 15 minutes, a new burst of Lena’s sobs is heard: “He won’t let me into the room and is doing something to my coo-o-kla-i!” Aunt heads into the room, Vasya is no longer there. Clothes have been torn off the dolls and are lying around, the most beloved doll has disappeared. To Lena’s demands, mixed with crying: “Where is my doll? Give me back my doll!” Vasya replies: “I don’t know, I didn’t touch it.”
Auntie is waiting for her parents to return to report Vasya’s terrible behavior. For her, there is no doubt that he deserves to be “worked through” and find out everything in the presence of everyone.
Mom, however, prefers to talk to Vasya alone. The conversation lasts more than an hour. Vasya honestly tells everything as it happened (the doll quickly “is” under Lena’s bed), and by the way it turns out that he felt unhappy and driven, “everyone was attacking him” (at school, as it turned out, there were also troubles at that time) . Two days later, he unexpectedly approaches his aunt and asks her not to think that he is bad and angry, he’s just been “getting it” lately. Aunt and Lena stay in the house for another week, and these days the relationship between the children turns out to be much calmer.
This story raises many questions: about the rules, about the boundaries of what is permitted, about punishments, etc. But we will not discuss them now, so as not to be distracted from our main topic - the effect of verbal edifications and sermons. Although the aunt made a fair remark to the teenager about the inviolability of another’s face, it did not make the desired impression on him, it did not “correct” or “teach” him, but only pushed him to the next evil, vindictive act.
On the contrary, the skillful conversation of the mother, who was able to listen to her son, magically softened him.
Does this mean that we shouldn’t talk to children about moral standards and rules of behavior? Not at all. However, this must be done only in their quiet moments, and not in a heated environment. In the latter case, our words only add fuel to the fire.
4. Tips, ready-made solutions: “And you go and say...”, “Why don’t you try...”, “In my opinion, you need to go and apologize,” “If I were you, I would fight back.”
As a rule, we do not skimp on such advice. Moreover, we consider it our duty to give them to children. We often use ourselves as an example:
“When I was your age...” However, children are not inclined to listen to our advice. And sometimes they openly rebel: “You think so, but I think differently,” “It’s easy for you to say,” “I know without you!”
What is behind such negative reactions of the child? The desire to be independent, to make decisions yourself. After all, we, adults, do not always like other people’s advice. And children are much more sensitive than us. Every time, advising something to a child, we seem to inform him that he is still small and inexperienced, and we are smarter than him, we know everything in advance.
This position of parents - the position “from above” - irritates children, and most importantly, does not leave them with the desire to tell more about their problem.
In the next conversation, the father did not avoid a similar mistake.
On Saturday evening, the son wanders around the house in a noticeably depressed mood.
FATHER: Why are you so sour?
SON: Yes, I don’t want to do anything.
FATHER: Go for a walk, the weather is nice.
SON: No, I don’t want to go for a walk.
FATHER: Well, call Misha and play chess.
SON: I’m tired of chess, and Mishka is busy today.
FATHER: Finally, take a book!
SON: Come on, dad, why are you so attached! You don't understand me! (He goes into another room and closes the door.)
The conversation took a different turn when the father remembered the method of active listening. After a while, he enters his son’s room and sits down next to him.
FATHER (putting his hand on the boy's shoulder): Still in a bad mood.
SON: Yes, bad.
FATHER (after a pause): I don’t want to do anything.
SON: Yeah, and then there’s this report.
FATHER: They asked me to prepare a report.
SON: Well, yes, by Monday, according to the myths of Ancient Greece, but there is no book, what will I cook according to?
FATHER: Thinking about where to find the material.
SON: Exactly, nowhere... (Pause.) There is really one idea, Kolka has an encyclopedia at home.
FATHER: Perhaps it’s written about it there.
SON (more cheerfully): I’ll call him now.
He calls, agrees on the book, says: “And then we’ll go for a walk.”
How often children themselves come to the same conclusion that we previously tried to advise them! But they need to make a decision themselves - this is their path to independence. It is very important to give children this opportunity, although it is, of course, more difficult than giving advice.
5. Proofs, logical arguments, notations, “lectures”:“It’s time to know that you need to wash your hands before eating”, “You get distracted endlessly, and that’s why you make mistakes”, “How many times have I told you! If you didn’t listen, you have yourself to blame.”
And here the children answer: “Leave me alone,” “As much as possible,” “Enough!” At best, they stop hearing us, and what psychologists call a “semantic barrier” arises, or "psychological deafness."
Dad and five-year-old Vera are walking along a spring street. The snow is melting, there are puddles on the sidewalk. Vera shows increased interest in puddles and snowdrifts. Dad: “Vera, if you step in the water, you will get your feet wet. If you get your feet wet, your body will cool down. If it gets cold, you can easily get an infection. You should know that in the spring there are a lot of germs everywhere in the city.” Vera (stepping into another puddle): “Dad, why does the guy who passed by have such a red nose?”
6. Criticism, reprimands, accusations: “What does it look like!”, “I did everything wrong again!”, “It’s all because of you!”, “I shouldn’t have hoped for you,” “Forever you!..”.
You are probably ready to agree that such phrases cannot play any educational role. They cause in children either active defense: retaliatory attack, denial, anger; or despondency, depression, disappointment in yourself and in your relationship with your parent. In this case, the child develops low self-esteem; he begins to think that he really is bad, weak-willed, hopeless, that he is a loser. And low self-esteem gives rise to new problems.
The belief of some parents in the educational value of criticism is truly immense. Only this can explain that sometimes in families, comments mixed with commands become the main form of communication with the child.
Let's see what a child can hear during the day: “Get up”, “How long can you lie around?”, “Look how your shirt is tucked in”, “I haven’t packed my briefcase again since the evening”, “Don’t slam the door, the baby is sleeping”, “Why didn’t you take the dog out (feed the cat) again? You started it yourself, you take care of it yourself”, “The devil knows what’s in the room again!”, “Of course, I didn’t sit down for my homework”, “How many times did I tell you to wash the dishes after yourself”, “I’m tired of reminding you about bread”, “Don’t go out for a walk” will you go until...", "How long can you hang on the phone?", "Will you ever go to bed on time?!"
Multiply these statements by the number of days, weeks, years during which the child hears all this. You will end up with a huge baggage of negative impressions about yourself, and even received from those closest to you. In order to somehow balance this load, he has to prove to himself and his parents that he is... worth something. The very first and easiest way (by the way, it is suggested by the parental style) is to criticize the demands of the parents themselves.
What can save the situation if the situation in the family has developed this way?
The first and main way: try to pay attention not only to the negative, but also on the positive side your child's behavior. Don't be afraid that words of affirmation towards him will spoil him. There is nothing more detrimental to your relationship than this opinion. Start by finding several positive reasons throughout the day to say kind words to your child. For example:
“Thank you for going to the kindergarten to pick up the baby,” “It’s good that you came when you promised,” “I like to cook with you.”
Sometimes parents think that the child already knows that he is loved, so it is not necessary to express positive feelings to him. It's not like that at all.
Here is the bitter confession of one eleven-year-old girl: “My mother doesn’t love me, I know that for sure. I've checked this many times. For example, the other day Oleg (elder brother) brought her flowers, and she smiled at him. Yesterday I also bought her flowers, brought them and carefully watched her face: she told me didn't smile. So now I know for sure: she loves Oleg, but not me.”
Does it ever occur to us that children interpret our behavior, words, and facial expressions so literally? Do we always take into account that children perceive the world in black and white: either definitely yes or definitely no?
And another question: would we ourselves survive well in the conditions of constant bombardment of criticism from our closest person? Wouldn't we expect kind words from him, wouldn't we yearn for them?
7. Praise. After all that has been said, the recommendation not to praise the child will probably sound unexpected and strange. To make sense of the apparent contradiction, you need to understand the subtle but important difference between praise And encouragement, or praise And approval. There is always an element of evaluation in praise: “Well done, you’re just a genius!”, “You’re the most beautiful (capable, smart) among us!”, “You’re so brave, you don’t care about anything.”
BOXING 6-1I'VE BEEN PRAISEED A LOT This is an excerpt from a letter from one parent to the editor of the Teacher's Newspaper, where materials from our lessons were published. “I read a lot of articles and books about raising children. Some of them contained advice to praise children, but they really confused me. The fact is that I went through this myself. I was praised a lot as a child. You get used to it very quickly, and I was annoyed and upset that, when I grew up, grades, help around the house, etc. were not always praised. At school, at the university, I could no longer live without words of praise - I simply gave up, I didn’t want to do anything until they noticed. And if they didn’t notice, then I turned sideways: if you do this, then I won’t do anything to you. But I consider my main misfortune to be that even now, having reached the age of twenty-seven, from any task I set myself, from any work, I ultimately expect not results, but praise. And only now I read in the Parents’ Newspaper (finally!) the real answer: “I’m glad you did that” (and not “You’re great!”). Why did you give a concrete example so late! As a rule, everyone makes an excuse by saying that everyone’s family is different, their relationships are different, it’s not possible like that, that’s not the case either. How is it possible? Let's have more specific examples, we're not such fools, we'll do it ourselves, taking into account relationships, families, etc. find the answer. But there must be an example. At least one is better than nothing. Thank you, otherwise I almost didn’t start praising, praising, praising my daughter (although she was hesitating in her soul, remembering her experience): “You are with me...”, “What are you like...”. Best regards, E.V. Perm". |
What's wrong with praise and evaluation? Firstly, when a parent praises often, the child soon begins to understand: where there is praise, there is a reprimand. While being praised in some cases, he will be condemned in others.
Secondly, the child can become dependent on praise: wait for it, look for it. (“Why didn’t you praise me today?”) (see Box 6-1) Finally, he may suspect that you are insincere, that is, you are praising him for some of your own reasons.
SON: I can’t get these letters!
MOTHER: What are you talking about, you wrote them perfectly!
SON: It’s not true, you’re saying that on purpose so that I don’t get upset!
But how to react to the successes or correct behavior of a child?
The best thing to do is simply express your feelings to him. Use the pronouns “I”, “me” instead of “you”:
DAUGHTER: Mom, today I got two A’s in Russian!
MOM: I'm very glad! (Instead of: “What a great fellow you are!”)
SON: It’s true that I performed poorly?
PAPA: I didn’t think so. On the contrary, I liked (this and that). (Instead of: “Well, you performed brilliantly, as always!”)
8. Name-calling, ridicule: “Crybaby”, “Don’t be a noodle”, “Just a dumbass!”, “What a lazy person you are!” All this is the best way to push a child away and “help” him lose faith in himself. As a rule, in such cases, children get offended and defend themselves: “What is it like?”, “Let it be noodles,” “Well, I’ll be like that!”
Here's an illustration.
Thirteen-year-old Masha and her mother are invited to the wedding. The girl is very excited, trying on different “outfits”, although the choice is not very large. Finally, he appears in front of his mother and grandmother with curled hair, a long skirt and high-heeled shoes (both “borrowed” by his older sister).
MASHA (enters, beaming): Well, how?!
MOM: Lord! Well, I dressed up! Just the first beauty. Be careful not to confuse you with the bride.
GRANDMOTHER: Why the shoes? You look like a giraffe on stilts in them! (The girl’s face goes dark, her mood is ruined.)
MASHA: Well, go on your own, but I’m not going anywhere!
9. Conjectures, interpretations: “I know it’s all because you...”, “I guess you got into a fight again,” “I still see that you’re deceiving me...”
One mother loved to repeat to her son: “I see right through you and even two meters below you!”, which invariably infuriated the teenager.
And in fact: which of the children (and even adults) likes to be “figured out”? This can only be followed by a defensive reaction, a desire to avoid contact.
Fifteen-year-old Petya comes home and turns to his mother. »
PETYA: Nobody called me?
MOM: Nobody. I guess you're waiting for Lena's call.
PETYA: And you need to know everything.
MOTHER: It is necessary. For example, I know why you’ve been in a bad mood for the second day: you had a fight with Lena.
PETYA: Mom, that’s enough! What do you care!
The next type of error is close to this.
10. Questioning, investigation: “No, tell me anyway,” “What happened anyway? I’ll find out anyway,” “Why did you get a bad grade again?”, “Why are you silent?”
It is difficult to resist asking questions in a conversation. Still, it’s better to try to replace interrogative sentences with affirmative ones. We already talked about this in the previous lesson.
I quote verbatim a short conversation where the mother makes exactly this mistake:
MOTHER: Four in math. Why are you angry?
DAUGHTER: Yes, I’m angry, but I don’t know why. And you ask: “Why yes why?” (Leaves the conversation, withdraws.)
A better option was this (real dialogue):
DAUGHTER (angry): Look what I got!
MOTHER: Four in math. But I feel that you are angry.
DAUGHTER: Yes, I’m angry, but I don’t know why.
MOM: You feel bad.
DAUGHTER: Yes, it’s bad... I don’t want you to leave.
MOM: You want me to stay at home.
DAUGHTER: Yes (pleadingly). Mom, please don't go to class today!
It’s amazing how one seemingly insignificant change in an adult’s answer (instead of: “Why are you angry?” - “I feel that you are angry”) can turn the conversation differently.
Sometimes the difference between a question and an affirmative phrase may seem almost imperceptible to us. But for a worried child, this difference is great: the question sounds like cold curiosity; an affirmative phrase - as understanding and participation.
11. Verbal sympathy, persuasion, exhortation. Of course, a child needs sympathy. Nevertheless, there is a risk that the words “I understand you”, “I sympathize with you” will sound too formal. Maybe just stay quiet and hold him close instead. And in phrases like: “Rest in peace,” “Don’t pay attention!”, “It will grind, there will be flour,” he can hear neglect of his concerns, denial or downplaying of his experiences.
DAUGHTER (upset): You know, today at school I was running along the corridor, and Seryozhka Petrov tripped me and I fell.
FATHER: Well, nothing, nothing, you didn’t crash.
DAUGHTER: Yes, nothing, but all the boys laughed.
DAD: Come on, don't pay attention!
DAUGHTER: It’s easy for you to say, but it offends me!
12. Making jokes, avoiding conversation.
SON: You know, dad, I can’t stand this chemistry and I don’t understand anything about it.
DAD: How much we have in common!
Dad shows a sense of humor, but the problem remains. And what can we say about such words as “Leave me alone!”, “No time for you,” “You’re always with your complaints!”
Having become familiar with a long list of unsuccessful statements, parents usually exclaim: “This is not possible, and that is not possible... what is possible?”
And here the need arises to actively listen to them:
-You are puzzled and confused.
- Certainly! It turns out that until now everything has been done wrong. And then, it’s very difficult to answer correctly: the usual advice and comments keep coming up.
- That is, it is difficult for you to select the necessary phrases.
- Well, yes, they are so unusual. Is it really not possible to do it the old way?
- You want the old way...
- Yes!... that is, no. I see that this does not lead to anything good!
In such cases, my teacher, Professor Alexey Nikolaevich Leontyev, liked to make one comparison, and again we will talk about a bicycle.
Imagine that people have never seen bicycles. And then they are offered two designs at once: a three-wheeled one and a two-wheeled one. Which bike will they prefer? Of course, three-wheeled. Why? Because, having sat on it, they will immediately ride easily and “naturally”. The advantages of a two-wheeler will remain sealed for them... until they spend time and effort on mastering it. Then they will understand all the wonderful properties of an “uncomfortable” bicycle.
Let me note that our habitual appeals to a child with advice, edifications and reproaches are not “natural”, but also learned phrases. But they are like driving an old car inefficiently.
Psychologists around the world have spent a lot of effort to improve this design and help parents learn to “drive” a “better car.” The new communication skills that we are trying to master are based on humanistic principles: respect for the child’s personality, recognition of his rights to his own desires, feelings and mistakes, attention to his concerns, rejection of the parental position “from above”.
It is very important to learn to hear your own mistakes. To exercise our hearing, let’s analyze the recording of a “typical domestic conflict” made by my mother. Were some of the parents' responses unsuccessful, and if so, what type of errors were they?
DAUGHTER (four years old): Mom, eat quickly!
MOTHER: Sit down, I’ve already poured it.
DAUGHTER (Sits down at the table, grimaces.): Ugh, this soup is not tasty. I won't.
MOTHER: Leave it and go away. (Order.)
DAUGHTER: I'm hungry!
Dad intervenes.
DAD: Sit down and eat without whims! (Order.)
DAUGHTER (on the verge of tears): But I don’t like it with carrots.
MOM: I'll catch it for you.
DAUGHTER: But still...
MOM (explodes): I didn’t cook it to make you turn your nose up here! (Edification, criticism.)
My daughter's first tears began to fall...
DAD Sit down well and eat. Grab a spoonful. In your mouth! Chew, chew, don't hold it in your mouth! (Order, command.)
DAUGHTER: It doesn’t taste good to me!!!
MOTHER: Leave the table, go hungry. (Command, threat.)
DAD: Now I’m... (Threat.)
The daughter, with tears, takes a spoon and begins to eat through the stump. After a minute he eats normally, after five minutes he eats everything. But everyone's mood is ruined.
To conclude this lesson, I would like to cite another real dialogue that shows how parents quite successfully master the method of active listening. This is also a documentary recording of one mother.
“My daughter and I are looking at a photograph of a kindergarten group. The daughter points to the teacher (I notice that her face is scratched in the photo):
DAUGHTER: I can’t see her!
Me: It’s very unpleasant for you to see her.
DAUGHTER: Yes, she is very angry.
Me: She offended you.
DAUGHTER: Yes, she scolded me like a greyhound and said that if I lied, then she would...
Me: Then she will do something.
DAUGHTER: Yes. She didn't say that.
Me: You didn't want to tell me this before.
DAUGHTER: Yes, I was afraid (ready to cry).
I take her in my arms.”
In this dialogue, mother already in the first phrase avoided a possible traditional mistake - an “educational” remark. She could well answer: “How can you talk about the teacher like that! And why did you scratch the photo?” Instead, she “voiced” the child’s feeling and showed that she was ready to share and accept it. This helped the girl free herself from deep-rooted fear and resentment. The tears that came were tears of relief.
BOXING 6-2LISTEN DIFFERENTLY It is well known that children love to imagine. Listening to fairy tales or playing, they literally immerse themselves in an imaginary world and live in it no less fully than in the real one. You can join this child's world by playing in his dreams and fantasies. In this way it is possible to help in his emotional difficulties. Here are two examples. Mom puts Seryozha to bed, the boy is capricious. SEREZHA: I won’t, I don’t want to sleep. (Pause.) When will dad arrive? I'm tired of waiting for him! (Dad is on a long business trip and will not arrive soon.) The conversation continues for a few more minutes, after which the boy falls asleep with a smile on his face. Another example is on a topic that is familiar to many. LENA Dad, I want a chocolate bar, buy it. LENA: Yes, many, many! DAD: We buy a thousand chocolates, load Pavlikov’s stroller and take him home. When children and parents dream together, the child knows that the adult hears and shares his feelings. |
Try to determine what type of erroneous statements the parent's answer belongs to (you will find the key at the very end of the lesson).
DAUGHTER: I will never go to the dentist again!
MOTHER: Don’t make things up, we have a coupon for tomorrow, we need to get your tooth treated. (1)
DAUGHTER: I can't stand it anymore. Do you know how painful it was!
MOTHER: She didn’t die. In life you often have to endure. If you don't treat it, you'll be left without teeth. (2)
DAUGHTER It’s good for you to say, they didn’t drill you like that! And in general you don’t love me!
SON: Imagine, I missed the last two practices, and the coach kept me on the bench today.
MOTHER: Well, it’s okay, someone needs to sit there too, not you, but another boy; and then it’s your own fault. (3)
SON: Let the other one sit, but I don’t want to. This is unfair: Petrov is weaker than me, and they put him in to play!
MOTHER: How do you know that he is weaker? (4)
SON: I know! I'm one of the best on the team.
MOTHER: I wouldn’t be so arrogant if I were you, you need to be more modest. (5)
SON (with annoyance): Why talk to you, you don’t understand...
A five-year-old girl tells her father (cries)
DAUGHTER: Look what he (two and a half year old brother) did to my doll! The leg is now dangling.
DAD Yes, indeed. How did this happen? (6)
DAUGHTER: How do I know! My cuckoo!
DAD: Well, calm down. Let's think of something.(7)
DAUGHTER: I can’t calm down, my darling...
DAD (joyfully): Oh, I came up with an idea! Imagine that she had an accident and became disabled; Such a cute disabled man. (Smiles).(8)
DAUGHTER (cries harder): I don’t want to imagine... Don’t laugh. I'll kill him next time!
DAD: What are you saying?! May I never hear such words! (9)
DAUGHTER: You're bad, I'll go to mom. Ma-aam, look...
Observe your conversations with your child, especially in those moments when something happened to him. Do you recognize some of the types of statements from our list? Continue to practice active listening. This is the most important skill, without mastering which it will be impossible to move forward in our lessons.
Try to spend one day without words of criticism or reproach towards your son or daughter. Replace them with phrases of approval for any appropriate reason or no reason. Look at the child's reaction.
QUESTION: So, you should never ask questions, give advice, and so on?
ANSWER: Let me note once again that all the types of answers we have discussed should not be used instead of active listening, that is, when the child has an emotional problem. If he is calm or if you feel that you already have an emotional connection, then you can talk more freely.
One question among ten “understanding” phrases is unlikely to ruin the matter. Some parents even find it helpful to occasionally break the strict rules of active listening so that their new style of conversation with their child does not seem so different from the old one. However, it is important to recognize “old” phrases and not let them pop up automatically.
QUESTION: What if a child persistently demands the impossible, and at the same time cries or is very upset? After all, listening will not help here.
ANSWER: Still, try to actively listen to him. Your first phrases in which he hears your participation may soften the situation somewhat. Following this, try dreaming with him about the impossible (see Box 6-2).
Key to task 1
(1)Order.
(2) Arguments, threat.
(3) Exhortation, criticism.
(4) Question.
(5) Advice, criticism.
(6) Inquiring.
(7) Exhortation.
(8) Advice, banter.
(9) Moral teaching, threat.
Julia Gippenreiter. Active listening.
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In the book “HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH A CHILD?” psychologist Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter talks about communication between parents and children, but the methods she proposes are universal - they can and should be used in any communication. Perhaps they will help some of you improve relationships with loved ones or colleagues. (note by site presenters) Lesson five. How to listen to a child What is “active listening” and […]
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