Mother-in-law how to get along in one house. How to get along with your mother-in-law? Simple rules! I will repay, or history repeats itself

The first thing I would start with is to set myself up for love. When I am strangled by negativity towards someone, I always say to myself: Lena, stop. There are two sides to every person. Now you only see the bad. Let's look on the bright side of this man.

Most often, the soul softens after this, and even shame for oneself appears. And as a result, pity for the person whom I despised in my eyes and saw only bad things in him.

This is a wonderful state that helps to find the truth. That is, not your own truth, but the truth of both sides. After all, as you know, there are ALWAYS two people to blame in a quarrel. And the one who is smarter is more to blame.

After that, I tune in to the position of a proactive person. Not a reactive person who REACTS to a situation, responding with his actions to the actions of others, but a person who creates his own path along which he must be followed.

So. We live together. There are pros and cons. We will leave - there will be pros and cons. There is no ideal in life, when there are only advantages.

In order to determine your actions, you first need to decide on your goal.

Apparently your husband is doing well in his parents' home. And it's not so bad for you either. Only the current situation with homework interferes. Apparently you have no complaints against your father-in-law.

And the mother-in-law is simply a tired woman to whom life gave the joy of relaxation for a moment, and then quickly took it away. She was offended. But not on you. And the fact that it will be hard for her again. See the situation correctly. How long have you been doing housekeeping? And for how many years she fed, watered, raised, and even worked.

She's just tired. And he doesn’t find the strength to go back.

When you have children, you will cook, clean, and do laundry just like she does. Because this is YOUR family. And this is a very strong motive.

But your mother-in-law and father-in-law are not your family, so the motive is weak and you go on strike.

But for your mother-in-law, you are not her family, and your husband is already more yours than hers, so her motive is also not strong.

What a summary: neither you nor your mother-in-law are ready to do all the housework.

What to do? You can, as you have already tried, “throw the ball to each other.” Such a decision only leads to conflict. What exactly have you come to?

And now a simple psychological move.
Never! You should never criticize a person. No husband, no daughter, no friend, no one! This causes resentment, defensiveness and guaranteed conflict.

We need to DISCUSS ACTIONS.

The child is not a slob whose hands are always dirty, but: look, my hands are dirty, they are dirty, let’s wash them. Don’t forget to wash your hands when you get them dirty. And for now I’ll give you hints until you remember.

Technically it looks like this: Sit at the table. Place a piece of paper in front of you. And “draw” the problem mentally on a sheet of paper. The main thing: no people.

Morning. Breakfast. Cooking, cleaning.
Evening, dinner, cooking, cleaning.
Saturday, shop, market, laundry, big cleaning.

You can draw this on paper in a circle. And in the second, larger circle, draw the people to whom this relates.

Get four people. Who decides all these issues? For one person, anyone, it’s too much. It's easier for two. For four it’s just easy))).

Gather the whole family, put a piece of paper on the table, warn that no one can talk about the person, but can only talk about the person’s actions. Doesn't talk about the past, but talks only about the present and future.

These are the things before us. We all use it. We are a party of four. Let's write the cases in a column and put each one in the columns. And now what things cause what emotions in whom.

Washing dishes? Me - 2, mother-in-law - three, father-in-law - count, husband - 4. Oh, my husband is less disgusted than others with washing dishes. My husband washes the dishes. Etc.

Another way.

At the moment when you love and feel sorry for your mother-in-law, invite her to joke. Be sorry that in the heat of the moment you didn’t take into account how difficult it was for her to carry four adults on her now. Tell me that it’s hard for you too. Agree on how you will divide the responsibilities between two people. She cooks, you clean, she does the laundry, you go to the store. Moreover, organize a joint conspiracy against men: why serve such bullies? Let's wisely, like women, teach them to wash dishes, take out the trash, and go get potatoes.

I don’t know the characteristics of your family, but I know for sure that with a positive attitude, you will come up with your own scenario, which will not only help you overcome the crisis, but will also give you a chance to improve what you have: getting closer to your mother-in-law, for example. And your husband will appreciate you more, and this is not so unimportant in big life.

And if you separate, you will lose both.

Unless each of you will cook two less servings. But this is how EVERYONE will do the full range of things. What were they fighting for? And as a result, a complete housewife set for everyone. And so there is a chance for each of you to make your life easier.

Hearing that when you get married you are going to live in your mother-in-law's house, your married friends will probably be horrified. However, it happens that a young family still does not have the opportunity to live separately. What should I do?

The main problem is to share spheres of influence with my husband’s mother. Any woman needs her own home, and since you leave your “home” place for your husband, you have the right to expect that the new place will become a new home for you. However, your mother-in-law lived there long before you and did a good job running the household.

Love? Simply - respect

If you decide to live in your mother-in-law's house, you become a member of her family. Determine for yourself whether your mother-in-law suits you as a person in general? Ask yourself, are you ready to consider your husband’s mother a member of your family? Are you ready to say hello to her every morning, and if possible, friendly? Are you ready to sincerely choose a birthday gift for her? Are you ready not to share her son with her? If internally you view her as an “extra” person, as an obstacle to your family happiness, your imaginary idyll is under threat. Weigh everything wisely, even before the wedding.

Defining boundaries

At the stage of the “new housewife” entering her husband’s house, all conflicts between the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law occur not at all because one of them did any specific “wrong thing,” but because one side violated the boundaries of the personal space of the other. For each person, these boundaries are located in different places, and determining the location using the “scientific poke” method is flammable. Living in the same house with a new person who belongs to a different generation and was formed as a person in completely different conditions than you is only possible if you remember every minute: you and your mother-in-law are completely different.

You should not rely on intuition, especially on your own opinion, it will only harm you in this situation. Discuss your life together in advance, and, as far as possible, find out everything openly and down to the smallest detail. Remember that your marital status is lower than that of your mother-in-law for many reasons: she is the mother of your husband, she is older, she is the mistress of the house where you are going to live. It's not that you're always destined to play Cinderella. However, it is you who should ask your mother-in-law how she sees your participation in the household. First of all, you yourself are interested in building a husband with your mother a good relationship, so don't wait for her to share her views with you. Start the conversation first

Discuss financial issues with your husband before moving. You must clearly know in which direction financial flows flow in the family. The difference in age and tastes often prevents the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law from having a common budget and living peacefully - at the same time. For a young woman, it is much more important how she looks than how good the greenhouse in the country is. In most cases, a successful way out of the situation is, however, a separate budget with a common household, and many mothers-in-law themselves insist on this. You will find yourself simultaneously freed from the title of “spoiled mooch” and from the need to constantly remember about gardening equipment. The mother-in-law will be protected from receiving a shock due to the fact that she finds out the price of a ticket to a fashionable theater premiere.

According to sociological surveys, approximately 50% of women find a common language with their mother-in-law, and sometimes even love her as their own. While the spouse’s mother successfully poisons the life of the other half. Potentially conflicting mothers-in-law are divided into five types. They act using different tactics, but the cause of the conflicts is the same - a feeling of jealousy and competition for their son’s attention. How to get along with a mother-in-law of a certain type will be discussed in detail in this article.

First type: mother-in-law is a dictator

This woman is used to keeping everything under control and managing everyone. She has no authority, and her daughter-in-law’s opinion usually worries her the least. A mother-in-law of this type will unceremoniously enter your home immediately after the wedding and begin to set her own rules. It is very difficult to live under the same roof with such a woman; it usually does not end well. Who wants to hear reproaches like “I told you so...” ten times a day? A dictatorial mother-in-law can easily enter your room without knocking whenever she pleases. Almost everything about her daughter-in-law irritates her: how she looks, speaks, moves, takes care of her husband, and so on. Their main weapon is obsession and unceremoniousness. They are great masters of weaving intrigues and “putting people in their place.”

How to get along with your mother-in-law? Anecdotes dedicated to mother-in-law and daughter-in-law would not be so popular among the people if it were easy for two women. The situation becomes more complicated when the newlyweds are forced after the wedding without the funds to purchase or rent their own home. So, with my husband's mother?

How to get along with your mother-in-law?

Marrying your loved one and loving man, you should not expect that his parents will immediately become imbued with tender feelings for you. First of all, this concerns the spouse’s mother, who cannot help but feel jealous of the “invader,” even being an intelligent and self-sufficient woman. When trying to get along with your mother-in-law, you should not expect love from her. People who suddenly become relatives in the eyes of the law are not at all obliged to treat each other warmly.

Not only those who immediately count on love are mistaken, but also those who actively try to earn it. Deliberately demonstrating your own talents and merits will not help you achieve your goal. A respectful attitude on the part of a daughter-in-law will be appreciated by the mother-in-law more than, for example, the ability to cook well.

Rules of the new family

How to get along with your mother-in-law in the same apartment? The daughter-in-law must understand that she is actually invading someone else's home, in which there are long-established traditions. Some of them may seem strange and unnecessary, but you will have to come to terms with this in order to avoid conflicts. If the family has, say, shared meals, you should not ostentatiously ignore them and have dinner in your room.

This does not mean that the newlywed should completely abandon her own habits and views on the coexistence of family members. The main thing is to carry out “reforms” gradually, refraining from sudden changes. In this case, the chances are high that the husband’s mother will agree to meet him halfway. Otherwise, you can limit innovations in the territory of your personal room, and give your mother-in-law all the remaining space.

Acceptable limits

How to get along with your mother-in-law in the same apartment so that there are no conflicts? While respecting the wishes of your husband's mother, you should not forget about your own needs. A woman who constantly sacrifices her interests will feel unhappy, which will negatively affect her relationship with her husband. For example, being a convinced vegetarian, it is not at all necessary to eat cutlets, even if this is your mother-in-law’s specialty.

The conversation about personal space should not be put off until later. The daughter-in-law has every right not to want her room to be entered without knocking, her things to be taken without asking, and so on. Of course, you need to communicate this in the most correct form, trying to ensure that the list of “requirements” is not too long.

So, how to get along with your mother-in-law? Of course, the daughter-in-law should not only insist on maintaining distance, but also not forget about it. It is likely that there are things in the house that cannot be touched, and the mother-in-law does not inform about this simply out of politeness. Frank conversation solves many problems.

Independence

How to get along with your mother-in-law so that everyone can have a good time? Often people get married before they gain complete financial independence. However, it is naive to constantly resort to the help of your husband’s mother and at the same time count on her respect. If a young family is fully supported by the parents, they feel the right to actively intervene in the lives of the spouses, comment on their behavior and actions, and give advice. This cannot but have a negative impact on the relationship.

These days, even full-time students can easily find part-time work. This is beneficial not only from the point of view of financial independence. Once she gets a job, the daughter-in-law will see her mother-in-law much less often, which will have a positive impact on their relationship. If there is an urgent need for money, it is more advisable to ask for the required amount as a loan, rather than for free.

Respect for chain of command

We further study the question of how to get along with your mother-in-law. Nowadays, the tradition of calling a mother-in-law mom is gradually disappearing. At least in the first months of living together, it is preferable to use your first and patronymic names and address yourself as “you”. Of course, if the mother-in-law herself insists on the “mother” option, you should not actively resist. Even if it sounds a little fake at first, you can gradually get used to it.

Household

Many people are interested in how to get along with their mother-in-law under one roof. Research shows that homework is an endless source of conflict. Every woman, no matter how old she is, has her own views on housekeeping, which she considers truly correct.

While the daughter-in-law lives on the territory of her mother-in-law, she basically has to give in. This does not mean that it is necessary to do a lot of unusual actions for yourself, for example, agree to participate in daily wet cleaning if you are used to washing the floors twice a week. It is better to express your admiration for the culinary talents of your husband’s mother and ask her for recipes for her signature dishes.

You should definitely take on some part of the household responsibilities, even if the mother-in-law is trying to continue doing everything on her own, otherwise in the near future this will become a reason for reproaches.

Common interests

When considering the question of how a daughter-in-law can get along with her mother-in-law, it is worth saying that it is much easier for people who have common topics of conversation to get along with each other. You should not wait for your husband's mother to take the first step, as this may never happen. Finding out a new relative's hobby is quite simple. Of course, interest in her hobbies must be sincere. For example, you shouldn’t talk about your love for your four-legged friends while suffering from allergies. Sooner or later the truth will come to light, causing the relationship to get worse rather than better.

Spending time together is the shortest path to friendship. It is possible that both women love to go to the theater or indulge in shopping. Why not do this together from time to time - at least once a month? You can also offer your husband’s mother a joint visit to the pool or gym if she expresses a desire to play sports. In the end, what remains are banal walks in the park, which are good not only for relationships, but also for health.

Attention

How to make living together with your mother-in-law peaceful and avoid conflicts? Any person likes to be paid attention to. This does not mean that you need to try to be a woman’s girlfriend. It’s enough just to show interest in her life from time to time, ask about her successes at work, and congratulate her on important dates.

It is also worth learning to listen to your mother-in-law’s advice, even if she gives it constantly, without waiting for a corresponding request. It is not at all necessary to follow the recommendations of your husband's mother, but you should not ignore her words. After all, you can always hear something really useful from a woman who is much older and more experienced.

In addition, you should not forget about compliments; you need to focus on those qualities that the mother-in-law loves most about herself. It is difficult to find a person who does not have any advantages, the main thing is the ability to detect them. There is a high probability that the mother-in-law will eventually learn to notice positive sides daughters-in-law. It is not easy to treat someone badly who sincerely praises you.

Talking about your son

How to live peacefully with your mother-in-law in the same house? Of course, it is difficult to imagine married life without conflicts. Spouses, even if they love each other very much, from time to time have certain complaints against their other half. It is strictly forbidden to discuss the husband's shortcomings with his mother. We must not forget that every woman sincerely considers her own child to be the best. The daughter-in-law's complaints about her son are unlikely to meet with sympathy; rather, it will hopelessly ruin the relationship with the mother-in-law.

Conversations about your husband with his mother should be conducted only in a positive way. She will be pleased to hear praise addressed to her child. It is worth remembering that it was she who raised him. Why not show your appreciation?

Making a list

How to get along with your mother-in-law? Unfortunately, the advice of a psychologist does not always help. What should you do if your spouse’s mother refuses to make contact and continues to provoke conflicts? Constantly hearing reproaches from your mother-in-law, you should make a list of her complaints and analyze it. It is possible that the list will also include fair reproaches. Let's say the husband's mother doesn't like the fact that she is forced to take on the lion's share of the housework.

By separately noting fair complaints, you can think through and write down responses to unfair reproaches. This is necessary in order to calmly and reasonably discuss the current situation with the mother-in-law, without surrendering to the power of emotions and without being fooled by provocations.

We do not stir up conflicts

Is it possible to get along with your mother-in-law if she likes to sort things out in a raised voice? Unfortunately, this also happens. In this case, it is worth doing as diplomats act. There is no need to try to outshout your opponent, you just need to agree with him on everything. The voice should remain measured and calm. Any debater will be confused when he hears that he is absolutely right. In the end, you can wean your mother-in-law away from scandals by constantly agreeing with her and not succumbing to provocations.

Of course, the above is about a conflict in which only one side is to blame. If the quarrel occurred due to the fault of the daughter-in-law, you should not start a “cold war” with your husband’s mother, refuse communication, and so on. The ability to admit that you are wrong is a quality that has been valued at all times.

Husband's participation

You should not say unpleasant things to your significant other about your mother-in-law, no matter how great the temptation may be. It is extremely rare to find people who have a negative attitude towards their own mothers. You can involve your husband in the conflict only as a last resort, if the situation is completely out of control. It is also not recommended to turn him against his mother; such actions will only spoil the relationship between the spouses.

Children

How to get along with your mother-in-law if she actively interferes in issues of raising children, guided solely by her own views? Many women, seeing the “second mother” as an enemy, try to limit her communication with the child. The main victim in such a situation is the baby, since adults unknowingly drag him into their conflict.

It is much better to spend time calmly explaining to my husband’s mother exactly what she is doing wrong in terms of raising children and caring for them. In order for the result of the conversation to meet expectations, you need to back up your words with thoughtful arguments and refer to the opinion of experts.

Useful literature

“How to get along with your mother-in-law? 63 simple rules" is a wonderful book authored by Irina Korchagina. This manual is aimed at women who have recently gotten married and have not yet mastered the art of communicating with relatives of the other half. The book contains simple recommendations. By using them, you can easily put an end to the “battles” with your husband’s mother. Representatives of the fair sex who have been married for a long time, but have not yet learned to get along with their mother-in-law, can also glean useful information for themselves.

This work is useful not only for daughters-in-law, but also for women whose son is about to get married or is already married. The author does not take anyone’s side, sincerely rooting for all participants in the conflict.

A daughter-in-law often has to wonder how to live with her mother-in-law in the same house without quarreling.

Will help with this advice from psychologists.

Life under one roof - psychology

You moved into your mother-in-law's house - and here there will almost certainly be problems, especially at first.

1. The mother-in-law is on her territory. She feels like the mistress of the house. Act here its rules, routine.
2. The mother-in-law is accustomed to a certain rhythm of life, and the young couple disrupts the existing atmosphere.
3. To two housewives It’s difficult to get along in the same kitchen. Most likely, the mother-in-law will be critical of her daughter-in-law. Perhaps she thinks that she wants to do good by giving advice, not always realizing that this may annoy her son’s wife.
4. Most of the husband's mothers I'm unhappy with my daughter-in-law. This is primarily due to jealousy, the fact that her son no longer belongs completely to her.
5. What matters is the ability and desire of both parties compromise.

It often happens that mother-in-law and daughter-in-law try to interfere with their man, hoping for his support.

He is forced to be between two fires, loving both women, and it is difficult for him to accept one side without offending the other.

How to live in one apartment?

A few simple rules will help you do life together easier:

To take a break from the constant presence of your mother-in-law, spend time with your husband alone - rest, restaurants, walks in nature.

How to find a common language?

Your mother-in-law has a lot of knowledge, and you may well learn from her this experience. Ask her to teach you how to cook some delicious dish. She will be pleased that you ask her advice.

If you have just moved into an apartment, do not immediately start actively defending your rights; let your mother-in-law get used to the fact that you are now living in their house.

However, it is important to make it clear that you are now full member of the family, you and your husband have a personal space, which is not always correct to interfere with.

Joint business unites. Offer your help in cleaning, rolling up vegetables, and at the dacha.

If you live together, then you will have to help your mother-in-law with the housework, since now you are a full-fledged member of the family and live together.

The mother-in-law is a mother who loves her son, and like any mother, she experiences, because now another woman has captured his attention.

She'll have to come to terms with the presence of a daughter-in-law, but this does not always happen. Some mothers do not want to compromise and accept their son’s wife, and no actions or attempts to establish contact help.

How can you tolerate your husband's mother?

My mother-in-law is annoying, we live together: what should we do? Your task is first and foremost learn to cope with own emotions . Another person is not responsible for your state and mood, just as you are not responsible for his feelings.

Try to abstract yourself if your mother-in-law constantly pesters you. In the end, you are not obligated to respond to her accusations, screams, and complaints. You can pretend to listen, but it is not necessary to perceive and remember information.

It is likely that without encountering an answer or resistance, the woman herself will soften after a while and wants to make contact.

An excellent technique is to try to find it in your mother-in-law. Every person has something positive. Perhaps your mother-in-law is an excellent teacher, or she is a good cook, or maybe she is a creative person.

Find positive qualities in her, and then communication will be easier. Ask her about her youth, how she met her husband, let her tell you about her son’s childhood.

Good memories soften people. If you are on the same wavelength as your mother-in-law, it will be easier for you to find a common language.

Another way— build relationships as if you were employees working in the same territory. In this case, you do not need to show strong emotions - joy or anger, you simply organize communication according to a business principle.

You meet in the morning, have breakfast, resolve joint issues, maintaining a business style of communication. Over time, the relationship may become more friendly when the mother-in-law understands what her daughter-in-law is like and how successful she is in family life.

Learn to stand up for yourself. Once feeling weak, the mother-in-law will take advantage of this, and each time her pressure will increase. At the same time, she will begin to criticize you openly, discredit you in front of her son, pointing out any of your shortcomings.

This is why building relationships with relatives is important from the first day of living together.

However, the ability to stand up for yourself does not mean scandals or raised voices.

On the contrary, your speech should be as calm and convincing as possible. Tell your mother-in-law exactly what you don't like and why. Be sure to indicate the reason, and not just: I don’t want to.

How to diversify family life? you will find on our website.

I can’t live with my mother-in-law: what should I do?

It also happens that conflicts between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law happen daily. It is no longer possible to live together - the husband, children, and wife are suffering. The mother-in-law tries to force her daughter-in-law out of the house, gets into the relationship, trying to destroy it.

Trying to remain calm and be patient leads nowhere. In this case, the most acceptable option is to move to another apartment.

The health of your family should come first, so if the situation gets out of control, then It’s better to find separate housing. You can rent an apartment or take out a mortgage.

If you have been as calm and reasonable as possible all the time, then a tactical step would be to speak in a raised voice.

One day your emotions will become so intense that you will need to throw them out.

Express it openly what doesn’t suit you, show your anger that has accumulated inside.

The tactic is not suitable for everyone - it is important to take into account the character of the person and his possible reaction.

After such violent manifestations may finally get it to my mother-in-law that there are moments that do not suit you.

A short and acute conflict should be isolated and not develop into a habit.

How to convince your spouse to live separately?

The husband doesn’t want to move out from his mother – this is a big problem.

A woman wants to live with us: what to do?

Your mother-in-law has decided to live with you, and you, of course, don’t want that.

This desire most often occurs among single women or those who want complete control over their son even after he gets married.

What to do in this case:

• let the son directly explain to his mother that this is impossible;
• explain to her that you have your own rhythm, your own life, and you have the right to independence;
• a young family should live separately from their parents - this is one of the factors of family happiness;
• talk to your husband and say that you don’t mind if your mother comes to visit, but you don’t want her to live with you for specific reasons - these reasons need to be voiced;
• if the decision is made and your husband’s mother moves in with you, try to calm down and think through the tactics of communicating with her - do not give her the opportunity to take power in your home into her own hands, immediately set boundaries.

How can we get her out of our house?

If your mother-in-law appeared in your house and stayed there to live, set boundaries right away.

Don't let her boss you around or change the arrangement of things in your home.

It’s not necessary to make scandals, it’s enough to calmly talk about what’s going on here your territory and you are the owner.

There are more stringent measures, for example, playing loud music, going to bed late, inviting guests often, that is, doing everything to make the mother-in-law feel maximum discomfort.

The main thing is to do this in such a way as not to offend anyone, but at the same time make it clear to the person that he is superfluous in your house and does not fit into your lifestyle.

One of the surest ways is talk directly. You need to decide to have a conversation, and it’s better if your husband supports you. Explain to your mother-in-law that you value and respect her, but the young family wants to live separately.

The main thing in communicating with your mother-in-law is: be able to be patient, remain calm and not react to provocations on her part.

How to get along with your mother-in-law? Psychology and rules of conduct for a daughter-in-law: