I live by emotions, I live by mood. Why is it important to live all your emotions and how to do it correctly. Don't judge your own emotions

What does human life on this earth mean? Most likely this is a physical presence in this world and at a certain time. And the most important thing is human activity in one direction or another. We all breathe, drink, eat, sleep and reproduce - these are our most important primitive needs and actions, without them we cannot survive. But we will not talk about the physical essence of our being, but about our inner world. What does it mean to live at all? Everyone has their own reasoning on this matter. For some, just waking up in bed in the morning is life, but for others, world fame is tantamount to life, and in its absence a person considers himself dead. As many people exist, there will be as many opinions on this matter.

The work contains 1 file

What does it mean to live: a) emotions (feelings), b) reason, c) unreasonably (recklessly), d) logic, e) common sense. Justify.

What does human life on this earth mean? Most likely this is a physical presence in this world and at a certain time. And the most important thing is human activity in one direction or another. We all breathe, drink, eat, sleep and reproduce - these are our most important primitive needs and actions, without them we cannot survive. But we will not talk about the physical essence of our being, but about our inner world. What does it mean to live at all? Everyone has their own reasoning on this matter. For some, just waking up in bed in the morning is life, but for others, world fame is tantamount to life, and in its absence a person considers himself dead. As many people exist, there will be as many opinions on this matter.

We discuss what it means to live by emotions (feelings). Each of us, to a greater or lesser extent, wants some kind of miracle, something extraordinary, mysterious, lofty, spiritual. Those people who are guided by their feelings, they get more fulfillment from life than others. But at the same time, they suffer the most. Why is this happening? Is the world of emotions too cruel? The whole point is that a person who is guided by his heart passes everything through him, both bad feelings and good ones. Basically, such people are most often creative, some actors, singers, artists, dancers and just a certain mass of people, they all need inspiration, the so-called muse. Inspiration is a surge of energy in which a person is on a very high rise in his state of mind, and a muse is an object or person that makes such an emotional person happy and joyful. But living with feelings is also very dangerous, because if everything disappears that was before, it becomes very bad, some people don’t want to live at all. A person, of course, chooses his own destiny and how to live, but if a person was born morally sensitive, it is difficult for him to remake himself, so everyone is given his own life.

Intelligence. What it is? Most likely, this is thinking itself, present in the human brain; as a rule, it is rational, that is, a person who possesses it can make decisions carefully and more or less correctly. A person whose rational thoughts predominate will not be guided by emotions and feelings; he thinks fairly, according to the facts that he sees, without taking into account his inner feelings. Such a person lives quite successfully, since there is a certain restraint in his character, which allows him to be closer to his goals. A person, instead of doubting or feeling something, simply builds certain plans of action that will help achieve something, moves confidently towards the goal, while calculating actions several steps in advance. But if life situations proceed only with the help of reasonable, deliberate points in the plan, then a person will not feel any bright and happy moments in life, because what we can prepare in advance will not be unexpected and as interesting as it could be. As a result, life becomes boring, calculated, a person turns into a robot that is programmed for certain functions and we lose the taste of life.

Living unreasonably (recklessly) means not thinking about your future, but simply going with the flow of life and accepting what fate gives us. But besides this, recklessness also consists in the fact that a person commits actions spontaneously and does not care much about the consequences. Because of this, a lot of life mistakes are made, which a person regrets later. Emotions can also be classified as unreasonable actions; very often, in a fit of some kind of anger, we can say a lot, something that can injure our neighbor, or simply hit or kill someone by accident, a very large number of crimes are committed this way. It is not reasonable, first of all, when our actions are decided not by our rational thinking, given by nature, but by the feelings that control us. A person needs to be able to use all the advantages given to him; people who do not exercise their mental abilities are not able to develop over time and many actions become reckless.

Humans have logic, but some prefer to use it, while others do not, or simply not everyone is given it. Each of us decides for himself how to live and how to enjoy certain benefits. When we receive our salary at the end of the month, we distribute our expenses; we always want to make this or that purchase as correctly as possible. This is where we start to think logically. If I buy cheaper shoe products, I will save on that and have enough for other things. This is the first thing that comes to mind, but here we start to think, if I buy shoes of a cheap cut, it’s not a fact that I will wear them for a long time and otherwise they will quickly wear out and I will have to buy shoes again, I will spend at least the same amount of money . How to avoid this? It’s very simple: you need to buy shoes made of real leather, stitched, comfortable, but also more expensive and I won’t have to go back to buying shoes again in the near future, since they can last, perhaps, for several more years. With the help of logic, we can most correctly make decisions that suit us regarding various areas of life. Each person has his own logic. Someone will want to buy two or three pairs of cheap shoes in order to diversify their image and specifically buy another new pair soon; this action can also be logically correct from the point of view of one individual. Logic distributes our capabilities as rationally as possible to satisfy certain needs; we want comfort and coziness, and in everything and here we cannot get this without the right logical actions. Following logic means comparing a chain of actions, performing gradual stages, giving reasons, providing facts and, as a result, proving the correctness of your thinking, drawing a conclusion. Logic helps us act in the right direction. Some people find it difficult to perform a logical analysis, compare events, give examples, prove, it’s just that such people’s thinking is directed in a slightly different direction, for example, it is easier for them to be guided by their feelings and not think about anything, and perhaps such people are not afraid of the consequences.

Common sense. This is a person’s ability to think soberly, the ability to predict events and thereby prevent oneself from mistakes. It is also a calm state of a person, in which he is in balance and clearly knows his capabilities. Sees his real ability to do anything, can reason and act in a balanced and rational manner. To live in this way means to know the limits of one’s actions; a person with common sense always understands where he is, with whom he is talking, what he can do and what he cannot do. To look at things realistically, that is, not to exaggerate or minimize any event, but to take into account all the true prevailing ones, is health, that is, an understanding of things. It is very difficult to always live with common sense, since a person is influenced by the environment. We cannot always control some actions; there are many irritants that affect a person in different ways. For example, postpartum depression, many women can be insane from the shock they receive; unfortunately, not everything can be controlled by our mind. Or, for example, when a person is insulted, humiliated, he becomes enraged, angry, these are emotions that are inevitable in many situations, the person simply abandons his common sense and resorts to satisfying his moral needs, that is, he makes the other person feel the same way. and he. Thus, a person has a sense of justice and is satisfied, but the consequences are dire, such as illegal offenses leading to imprisonment.

It all depends on our upbringing and the advantages given to us by nature. It is very important to be able to think in the right direction, I am sure that you don’t always need to listen to the people around you, even if they are relatives, because each of us is given a head, and we need to learn to independently solve life’s problems and tasks, we are all able to think. The search for truth consists of introspection; you need to look for the truth in the world around you, and if you do it correctly, the possibility of not making a mistake increases.

You can live in different ways without adhering to specific concepts. Due to the fact that life is multifaceted, we cannot live only with feelings or only with reason, recklessly or always according to logic. That's why we humans change from time to time, become better, look for that golden mean that will be the most correct and optimal for us. To be guided by one thing means to lose something; we cannot think in only one direction, otherwise we will find ourselves in a vicious circle, and no mental development will occur.

We lose track of who we really are. We limit our capacity for self-knowledge and narrow our field of experience. The techniques we use to distance ourselves from pain and other emotions become firmly ingrained by the age of five, just when we begin to understand the concepts of loss and death.

This method of psychological defense exists in order to maintain consciousness in stressful situations. However, it is capable of harming us in adulthood. Apparently, the question is acute: is it worth experiencing emotions or should they be suppressed?

When we suppress emotions, we become tougher in general, we lose the feeling of fullness of life, connection with desires. We more often turn to our past, looking for recipes for a happy life in childhood memories.

To find meaning in our daily actions, we must understand and study emotions well. They can be healthy or unhealthy, primary or secondary.

• Primary emotions are healthy emotions and help us function, survive and grow.
• Secondary emotions are considered unhealthy. We feel them as a result of making decisions, developing beliefs, and in the process of growing up. If we try to suppress emotions instead of learning from them and working with them, then we only increase their negative impact.

Although some emotions hinder us, we can use them for self-development. Many people are afraid of their own feelings, but they are not as scary as they might seem. We can learn to let them out and do it safely for ourselves.

Not the antonym of rationality. They complement the cold and calculating mind and help guide its work.

By allowing ourselves to experience feelings fully, we begin to better understand what we really want and think, modeling behavior according to this new knowledge.

Feeling emotions is not the same as allowing them to control our behavior. By learning to experience even the most unhealthy emotions in a safe and healthy way, you can minimize their destructive effects. For example, you will learn to feel pain without becoming a victim, or to experience anger without aggression.

This problem is especially relevant for men, who from childhood are taught not only to suppress emotions, but also to separate feelings “for girls” from feelings “for boys.” Because of this, men often have a distorted understanding and perception of emotions. Psychologists note the following features:

• Men tend to “convert” one sensation into another. They transform stereotypical female feelings, such as sadness, into anger or pride, because they believe that expressing such emotions will make them worthy members of society.
• Men show their emotions where it is considered acceptable. For example, they might hug after scoring a goal on the soccer field. Unfortunately, in other situations, men are less likely to express positive feelings for fear that society will perceive them in the wrong way.
• Men can experience feelings physically. Most often this is expressed in headaches or back pain.
• Men twice limit themselves in expressing emotions. First, they are afraid of public disapproval. Secondly, even when a man is ready to experience his emotions openly, for example, to open up to his partner, he does not always know how to do it correctly. As a result, even a loved one may negatively perceive the manifestation of feelings and be afraid of a storm of emotions. In such a situation, the need to correctly express, experience, regulate and interpret emotions becomes obvious.

But none of us are born with the ability to manage our emotions. You need to learn this (preferably from an early age) and not stop there.

The practice of emotional therapy can help us understand and accept emotions and transform them in a positive way. Its meaning is to constantly remember feelings without trying to suppress them, to increase tolerance for spontaneous emotions and to live in harmony with them.

When you get overwhelmed by emotions, start breathing deeply.

One of the most common practices, often used by people with chronic pain. Don't suppress your emotions, instead relax and allow yourself to feel and accept everything fully. It is normal to feel anger, sadness, pain or desire. You just need to learn to live with these sensations without discomfort. And to do this, start experiencing emotions.

Don't judge your own emotions

There are no bad emotions. This is a specific type of adaptation that shows how you dealt with difficult situations early in your life. An emotion is not a rational response to a given situation, but it shows that you are mindful of similar circumstances and your emotional response to them. Memories and replaying emotions makes us more open to the world around us, because now we know what exactly causes this or that reaction in us, and we do not strive to evaluate it.

Find a way to calm your emotions rather than fuel them.

In other words, you need to find a way to experience the feeling without activating or feeding it. If you're hurt or angry, don't waste time mentally simulating the situation. Experience the pain and just wait for this wave of feelings to subside, and then let go. Don't try to identify with this emotion, don't focus on this state. Even negative emotions are important: they cultivate in us a natural reaction of adaptation to the situation. This will be followed by a feeling of self-compassion. This means that there has been a significant shift in self-perception, which is actually quite difficult to achieve.

Remember: we can learn to experience all emotions while still being rational enough to analyze or make decisions. To learn to live with feelings, you need to understand them. This way you will gain the ability to process and regulate your emotions. This is essential if you ever want to truly build and improve your life.

Our feelings and mind are not always in harmony. Let's say you came back from a date. You really liked the young man. The next day, already in the morning, you are waiting for his call (or at least an SMS - it doesn’t matter). But he doesn't call. And your heart is beating and beating: call him yourself, call him. And the mind - don’t you dare! Girls don't call first! Who should you listen to here – your heart or your head?
Or let’s take, for example, a wife who is infuriated by the fact that her husband consistently does not close the tube of toothpaste (throws socks around, is late, splashes the bathroom floor, does not fulfill promises, substitutes his own). And her irritation flares up in response to another tube, sock, etc. She starts yelling at her husband. Why so many emotions? And what is her irritation about?
Let's figure it out.

Very often you hear: live with your heart! Living with your heart means living with your emotions and feelings. Emotions and feelings are different things, did you know? Emotions are short-lived, simple and uniquely colored. Basic emotions are joy, sadness, anger, disgust, contempt, fear, shame, surprise, interest, grief, guilt.
Feelings are longer, more persistent and complex emotional states. But the most important thing is that feelings are very contradictory and ambivalent in nature. Well, for example, Love. She brings happiness. And she also brings suffering. Or envy: can eat a person from the inside, or can activate and motivate him to take action.
From this we can conclude that living with feelings is difficult. Since feelings are contradictory and ambiguously colored, it is not easy, relying on them, to act consistently and not be tormented by doubts. And have you noticed that people whose lives are controlled by emotions are very impulsive (that is, they act in obedience to the first inner impulse)? And this impulsiveness consistently leads to a lot of broken wood.

But this does not mean that feelings and emotions should not be trusted. Need to!
Emotions never lie!

First of all, emotions serve as a signal to us about meeting our needs. Well, for example: you have set some goal for yourself (say, to move away from your parents to a new apartment, because with your parents there is no life for you and your husband, you constantly quarrel because of them). We saved, saved money, looked for options. We've moved. The goal has been achieved. What emotions arose? If you feel joy, satisfaction, peace, then the goal was right. This is what you were aiming for. What if there is no joy? If you quarreled before, you still quarrel. The need for an equal relationship with her husband is not satisfied. This means that it was not the parents, and not the apartment. And now we have to think What other means can this need be satisfied?.

Those who are skeptical about living with the heart suggest “turning on the head,” i.e. live by reason. However, “reasonable behavior” does not at all guarantee success and does not exclude mistakes. Because pure reason, without the promptings of the heart, is incapable of recognizing and satisfying our desires, is incapable of correctly understanding those around us, and is incapable of much else. A “correct” life, where everything is logical, thought out and balanced, will never make us completely happy.

The truth, as always, is somewhere in the middle: For harmonious functioning, a person needs a harmonious union of emotions and reason. We just need to understand the nature of both, and not forget why we need them.

The main function of emotions– give us subtle information about our condition and the condition of another person. Any emotion is a signal that something is wrong (or vice versa “right”). Here you are sitting at a party. Everyone around is having fun, and everything seems to be fine. But somehow you don’t feel so good. Everyone asks: what’s wrong with you, what’s wrong? And you yourself don’t know. And here, at this important stage, when you feel some kind of internal discomfort, you should head turns on: to understand what's wrong. Feel, what is wrong, it is impossible. This can only be understood by going through many options.

Emotions are more than eloquent. Let's return to the example of the wife, who is infuriated that her husband consistently does not close the tube of toothpaste (throws socks around, is late, splashes the bathroom floor, does not fulfill promises, etc.). Her irritation - what is it about? About the unmet need for contact. In other words, she misses him warmth, inclusion, maybe even respect And acceptance. And this inclusion, this respect is sought in a completely inadequate way, because emotions have accumulated - enough for an entire atomic explosion.

There is another interesting point in this example: there is no goal as such in this behavior of the wife. She simply does not realize her need for warm emotional contact and does not strive to somehow realize it. Pokes like a blind kitten. He didn't close the tube, and she yelled at him. And she screams, in fact, out of powerlessness to understand what’s wrong with her, What does she need to be happy with him? I often ask my clients: why do you yell at your husbands? what are you trying to achieve? They cannot find an answer to this question other than: well, is it difficult to close the pasta? What will this closed tube do? Happiness in your personal life? Will this make contact with my husband warmer? Nothing like that. There is no goal, therefore behavior is aimless, and therefore useless.

Which exit? Do not accumulate emotions in yourself, but track each of them. Every one! Felt - tracked - reacted in a socially acceptable way. Those. They saw another unclosed tube (sock, wet floor, unfulfilled promise) and went and yelled into another room. Then we talked about our feelings, thought about what, what unfulfilled need they were talking about... Usually it is very difficult for us to figure out what we really want and what we are dissatisfied with. And this is where psychologists come to the rescue :).

If the function of emotions is to suggest what is wrong (or vice versa “so”), then function of the head is to make a decision. It is very important that feelings remain only a tool, and the last word remains with the mind.
If the mind gives up, you can listen to the heart. It will undoubtedly tell you the right decision, unless its wise whisper is drowned in the cries of emotion.

If the heart and head are in obvious conflict, then...
Let's go back to our very first case - should we call the young man we like or not?
Here you are sitting in front of the phone and suffering. You listen to the beating heart (call! call!). What does the desire to call tell you? - About the fact that I liked the young man. Very. You feel great sympathy for him, maybe even love.

And at this wonderful moment, as we have already said, ideally the brain should turn on. And ask you a question: what actually stops you from calling? After all, in fact, if the sympathy was mutual, would you do it and knew and felt. Then the question of whether to call or not to call would not have arisen at all. You would live with your heart. And since conflict and doubt have arisen, it means that one of your senses is telling you that your sympathy is greater than his Or there is no sympathy at all on his part. And if there is no sympathy, you are unlikely to be able to achieve his favor. That is, the time spent on him will be empty, the relationship you dream about will not work out for you.
What's the conclusion? In your mind you realize that there is no need to call. But consciousness does not understand the entire chain that we have just traced here. Therefore, only a vague trace remains in it (consciousness), such a quiet inner voice that whispers: do not call.

And here only you can decide what to do next. Listen to the heart that drives you into the trap of dead-end relationships. Or listen to your head and let your heart suffer a little. This is useful. It hardens. This teaches you to understand people.

Why are strong people not afraid to cry? What happens if you constantly suppress anger and fear? Why hide your irritation if it is useful to throw it out? The psychologist talks about what to do with your feelings.

In my youth, it seemed to me that a strong person is one who knows how to restrain himself, act with a cool head, who may not experience “harmful” emotions: sadness, fear, jealousy, disgust, anger. In general, he cuts off his sensory sphere when necessary. In addition, this model of behavior is often encouraged in society. Many people live with the belief that showing their emotions is shameful.

Life experience and years of studying psychology have convinced me of the opposite: emotions are not a weakness, but a strength. If, of course, you treat them correctly: do not suppress them, but give them the right to be, to live them.

There are no right or wrong feelings. Everyone is needed for something, each performs its function. By blocking some emotions, we discredit others and deprive ourselves of many pleasant moments. For example, by suppressing fear and anger, we begin to experience much less happiness and joy.

Carl Gustav Jung once said: “Depression is like a lady in black. If she comes, don’t drive her away, but invite her to the table as a guest, and listen to what she intends to say.” There is always a reason for any emotion. And instead of fighting, say, your irritation, it would be good to figure out what it is trying to communicate. When we fight an emotion, we are only fighting an indicator of the problem, not the problem itself. We suppress the feeling and drive the reason for its appearance even deeper into the subconscious. And then, without receiving a way out, the energy of unexpressed emotion finds an outlet in the body - in the form of psychosomatic diseases, vegetative-vascular dystonia, depression and panic attacks.

For this reason, a strong person does not avoid his own feelings, but experiences his emotions as much as possible. And, importantly, he does it in a way that is safe for others. (see examples below). With this approach, fear, sadness and any other “negative” emotion go away much faster. Once you accept it, it immediately begins to let go. “What you resist strengthens, and what you look closely at disappears,” wrote American writer Neil Walsh in his book “Conversations with God.”
In psychotherapy you often hear the words “stay in it.” Are you sad? Stay in it. Do you feel resentment (anxiety, envy, guilt, etc.)? Stay in it.

Stay means acknowledge and live this feeling. Don't push away or deny. Scary? But it’s much worse to constantly live with background pain, which, like a frozen computer program, slows down the work of the “processor”. It’s better to meet it face to face one day and, releasing it, say goodbye, than to carry it inside yourself for years. A blocked feeling will strive to find a way out, subconsciously attracting circumstances in which it can finally unfold to its fullest.

For example, if a person has not lived through all the emotions of a difficult breakup, he will live in fear of being abandoned. The same events can be repeated endlessly while a strong and unexpressed emotion sits inside.

Another common "method" – If you find yourself in a traumatic situation, switch as soon as possible. After a divorce, immediately plunge into a new relationship or devote yourself entirely to children, career, and creativity. Yes, it becomes easier for a while, but it is no longer possible to experience real joy from life - it’s as if something is itching inside. Unlived pain and trauma have not gone away; they remain deep inside and prevent the feeling of the fullness of life.

There is an opinion that when you contact a psychotherapist, he will help you get rid of “unhelpful” feelings. In fact, the first and most important thing that a competent specialist teaches is to live your feelings consciously. Tell yourself: “Yes, now I am in pain. But I won’t resist it, and I know it will pass.” Or admit: “I feel angry. And this is completely normal” (no matter how difficult it may be for those who were brought up on the beliefs “being angry is bad” and “you need to restrain yourself”).

Labeling your emotion is not always easy, although even this alone has a therapeutic effect. People complain: “It’s somehow bad, I’m depressed, everything makes me angry...” And it’s unclear what exactly the feeling is. We often confuse shame and guilt, resentment and self-pity, anger and disgust. But until we analyze our condition into emotions and its components, it will not go away. A number of modern areas of psychotherapy (for example, Gestalt therapy) work specifically on the ability to recognize one’s own sensations. In order to develop such sensitivity on your own, you need to be very attentive to yourself. – listen to the sensations in the body, since all emotions find expression precisely in the form of bodily blocks and clamps.

When we realize and experience our feeling, we simultaneously move into the position of an observer. We look from the outside and non-judgmentally describe in words all the sensations. This is how we separate ourselves from emotion, it does not become us, it does not cover us completely. We understand that “I” is not the same as “my feelings” because I am more than them. When I live them, I will not collapse, but will become happier and freer.

Ways to experience emotions

Any emotion - be it a short-term outburst of anger or a prolonged resentment - must be lived, first of all, in a safe way. Safe both for yourself and for others. Here are a few options for how to experience emotions.

1. Draw. Take a pen in your left hand (it is connected to the right hemisphere of the brain, which is responsible for emotions) and begin to draw out your anger (guilt, resentment, etc.). Better close your eyes. In a voluntary movement, the hand will transfer all emotions from the body to paper.
2. Sing or shout. For example, in the forest. Or in an amusement park - here everyone is allowed to do it. Usually some important word is shouted. Assume yes or no if they suit your emotion. You need to do this as many times as necessary until you feel empty inside.
3. Go for a massage. This is not about relaxation, but about deep work with force. A high-quality massage (for example, Thai), kneading points in places of tension helps to cope with emotions.
4. Dance. Focus on the emotion, close your eyes, listen to yourself - and movement will arise. Maybe first you just want to rotate your neck, move your arms or fingers. Don't stop, follow your body's desires.
5. Talk it out. There is one catch: relatives and friends often strive to give advice and begin to look for the reason, but for us it is important to simply pour out our condition without any analysis. All rationalization is possible later, when you are released. Therefore, sometimes it is better to speak out to the tree - and this is not a joke.
6. Breathe. Any emotions are experienced through the body. One of the most important elements is breathing, since it is directly related to the nervous system. Various breathing exercises work great - pranayama, bodyflex, oxysize.
7. Write on paper. Write a letter to the person who caused you painful emotions. It is important to do this by hand. There is no need to send a letter. The main thing is to realize the feelings and express them on the sheet. There are different methods. For example, Colin Tipping's Radical Forgiveness Questionnaire
8. Knock out. In moments of anger, I often want to hit someone. Get a special pillow for this or roll a towel and “knock out” the sofa. At the same time, you can growl, scream, stomp, make any sounds - let the process go as it goes from within until you feel relief.
9. Go to a psychotherapist. Some feelings are scary to live alone: ​​you don’t know what they will lead to. In such situations, a specialist will help you choose a technique and will support the process of your internal liberation and, as a result, personal growth.

Do you have any questions on the topic?

Now let’s pay attention to the question of what exactly this condition gives us and why.

Navigation through the article “Here and now: what will we get if we live by feelings?”

What does the “Here and Now” state give us?

Firstly

Being “here and now” will give you the effectiveness of your reactions and actions. We have already said that it is impossible to predict everything 100%. How then to react to something that was not part of the plan, that did not go as you expected? If you are still in your own mind, ideas, fantasies, any deviation from the plan will plunge you into a stupor and generally slow down any action.

“I get lost when something goes “wrong”, I am speechless, I don’t know what to do, and often I just stand in silence, trying to collect my thoughts, and realizing that I look stupider every second... »

If you are in Here and now, you easily feel what you want at the moment. And you can easily express your feelings about what is happening and act in accordance with your natural reactions. And, accordingly, if you are in contact with yourself, there will be no stupor or clouding of reason.

Many people are afraid that their reaction will be “inappropriate” or “wrong.” At sessions, hearing this, I always ask – wrong for what?

What standards of correct behavior do you follow? Are you sure these standards are appropriate for this particular case? Why do you put standards above your feelings and your goals? Who told you and when? live by feelings– inadequate?

Naturally, we are forced to respect social boundaries, but they are quite simple in general.

Read the Code of Administrative Offenses - it does not involve many restrictions. Everything else is your own speculation about whether this particular group of people will consider you “normal.”

The most important thing here is that if you constantly think hard about how to react “correctly” in any society, then you will only increase your chances of a negative assessment. Because it’s hard to deal with a squeezed, tense, dejected and frightened person in any society.

Even if you try to hide your tension, no one has deprived those around you of their original ability to feel. And therefore, albeit unconsciously, any person next to you is able to grasp your true mood here and now.

Remember the example of cracking eggs. This applies to everything you do - work, sports, sex, household chores, creative expression, communication. If one part of you is here, the other is thinking about who will think what and how this or that might turn out, and the third is generally thinking about tomorrow’s meeting at work, it is unlikely that any of these actions will be quite effective.

Moreover, what is done in “autopilot” mode is poorly remembered. Even if this action does not require attention or special skill, you will then have difficulty remembering in detail what exactly you did and where, for example, you put this or that thing. Sometimes this kind of everyday absent-mindedness becomes an endless source of irritation and loss of time.

Secondly

By being “Here and Now” you will reduce the likelihood that it will be the same as before. When you are in your assumptions, your consciousness filters new possibilities, that is, it “does not notice” them. Look again at the scheme for reproducing the old experience.

If you don't expect anything specific, but actively notice everything that happens in Here and now, you begin to see new possibilities and live with new feelings. And react in a new way. And accordingly, you gain new experience. Which is often much better than the old one.

Most people try to do a lot “ahead of the curve”, based on old experience, other people’s experience, negative expectations and other “suddenly”. Let me give you an example, so to speak, from real life.

The girl tries “just in case” (because she already had such a negative experience) to provide for all the options for the situation “my partner might cheat on me.”

To do this, the following actions are taken: the purposeful survival of friends of the opposite sex from the partner’s environment is carried out, his mail, social networks, and phone are checked (depending on what is more accessible).

Restless and unnecessary body movements occur, for example, calling for no reason (because this is the fifth time in a day, and it’s difficult to come up with a reason), attempts to constantly “be there”, dictated by the fear of leaving him alone, coming up with some, in the girl’s opinion, “ inflammatory" situations (for example, provocations to jealousy on her part, which most often degenerates into banal hassle), etc.

All this is designed to help avoid betrayal.

But in reality, the opposite result is achieved - the partner feels extremely limited, gets tired of the constant control and presence of another person, cannot relax, be alone with himself or communicate with friends the way he wants, is constantly forced to delve into provocations and waste his emotions for various “checks”. The result is that he leaves.

And now a simple question - where, in what reality did that girl live? Any day except today.

Partially - in the past, where she had negative experiences. Partially - in the future, about which she was visited only by fears and dark fantasies.

All this had nothing to do with reality, with being “here and now.” And it didn’t work out to live with real feelings for my partner. And sometimes you have to assume that they never existed. After all, what kind of love can we talk about if one does not feel any trust in the other?

If we’re talking about how to draw conclusions from the past, then first find out why there was betrayal in the relationship and how the responsibility of each of the participants was realized in that situation.

Only by realizing the extent of your responsibility (and not just the “guilt” of your partner) can you really draw conclusions. And the most reliable guarantee that the likelihood of betrayal will at least decrease can only be an understanding of what actions in the couple led to this. The actions of both, I emphasize.

But the reality of that girl could be based on the facts of today. And if there were no obvious signs of ambiguity, then in this particular relationship there was no reason to suspect infidelity. And perhaps the relationship would have developed in a different way.

Third

Being “here and now” you will be able to fully contact reality and learn a lot of new things about it. For example, you can spend weeks wondering “what he meant when he looked at me like that.”

If you, having caught the eye, immediately went into fantasies and assumptions, you flew into that very abstract plane, where there are a billion assumptions, theories, “on the one hand” and “on the other hand,” but not an ounce of truth about this reality.

If you continue to remain in Here and now, you can hear your own feelings. And they will deepen and develop in contact with the reality of this view.

Perhaps you will immediately feel what is behind it. Perhaps here and now you will feel growing bewilderment, but it is this that will allow you to immediately ask what is behind the look. This way your interlocutor will understand that you feel him. And your contact at this level will continue to deepen - this is the skill live by feelings.

And if you go into the plane of abstractions, you will not be able to understand your feelings and will not have time to react. And you will be left day after day chewing on assumptions about what it could be, without getting one iota closer to reality.

Living with feelings: do they tell the truth?

I propose to conduct a simple experiment here and now. First at the level of sensations.

Run your hand over any surface and tell me what it is like? For example, soft, warm, fleecy. Do you have any doubts that this is really the case? Hardly. Your fingers transmit a very specific signal to your consciousness.

If someone comes and tells you that your warm and soft surface is actually cold, slippery and smooth - will you believe him? If, again, you don’t go into any abstractions, no. Perhaps you allow a person to have distortions in perception or a different perception - say, his fingers are hot and therefore the surface temperature really seems cooler to him than to you.

But there is no overall, “objective” truth in any relationship or in your life. Objective truth, if you can call it that, exists only at the level of the basic laws of nature and objects of the material world.

And sensations are the primary way through which we can learn something about the world. But for each person they are different to one degree or another. And there is no single standard of sensations for everyone. And, accordingly, the conclusions and conclusions drawn on their basis will differ even more for each person than the sensations themselves.

You have your “like” or “dislike”, and what you feel is your reality, which you can rely on. Here and now she is like that. Even if you decide that it is better not to express feelings in this situation, this is your right. But you can notice them. And draw the appropriate conclusions within yourself. Which will be your today's truth about your condition and the state of affairs around you.

To begin with, in any situation, try to pay attention to bodily sensations. Are you comfortable? Do you feel any tension? What do you think is its source? Where exactly is this sensation located in your body? What would you like to do with it?

This practice of listening to yourself may seem overwhelming at first. But over time, you will become much faster at determining what is happening to you at the moment. And this knowledge about yourself will become so obvious over time that for you there will no longer be a question - can what I feel be considered true and is it possible to live by feelings?

Moreover, your sensations will become more vivid. Remember all the most powerful moments of your life. What are they connected to? With feelings. Even if the event was associated with receiving important information, it evoked feelings.

And “thinking” and fantasies in the same circle only cause regrets about wasted time and the fact that fantasies have not yet been given the chance to become reality. But how can something become a reality if you don’t actually try to do it, but just think about it in your head?

Living with feelings is living in reality

I often hear the following statement: “What difference does it make whether the brain receives stimulation from fantasy or reality? After all, the sensations can be the same!”

Imagine, for example, how here and now you are waving your arms. Imagine this for 2-3 minutes. Are you tired? Do you feel a pleasant muscle stretch? Has your heart rate increased? Is the tension gone?

Now try waving your arms in reality for the same 2-3 minutes. Even if in the first case you had a certain increase in heart rate, a certain semblance of tension and relaxation, the contrast with reality will still be striking.

Yes, we can create emotions through fantasies and imaginations. And this mechanism itself helps a person, for example, to “get excited” about an idea, and then begin to implement it. But for some reason, most people do not enjoy living solely in their fantasies.

And here everything is simple - while we live in our body, we somehow form a common whole with it. The mind, feelings and body are all our reality, and separating one from the other and the third is fraught with at least a loss of the acuity of sensations and general dissatisfaction.

In a state of here and now, we are usually collected. At least to a greater extent than usual. We feel our body, we are aware of our feelings, which are directly related to our sensations, and the mind is ready for analytical work if necessary.

It’s unlikely that you want to experience love without physical contact, a trip to the sea only on TV, communication with friends only through text on the Internet, and playing sports only through photographs. Can you live in books all the time? And will such a life suit you?

The majority unequivocally says “no.”

But when it comes to saying goodbye to their beliefs and judgments about the world, albeit based on experience, but preventing further progress, and admit that the present may differ from the past - the majority, however, choose to continue to exist “in their heads.” ”, missing over and over again new opportunities to live with feelings in reality.

And he waves his arms solely in his imagination, hoping that such an action will help strengthen his arm muscles.

Statistics - the new religion

Separately, this phenomenon “helps” a person never come to his senses. Statistics was intended, in fact, to examine trends in order to change something or draw conclusions. However, for some reason the majority perceive it as a new form of doctrine.

The entire Internet is filled with jokes about British scientists, however, joking about the notorious figure of speech, many continue to sincerely believe that they are determined by statistics.

Here’s a paradox: statistics has always been a study of the existing state of affairs. As in economics, demand initially gave rise to supply. And then it happened that supply began to shape demand. And statistics began to dictate to many how they should behave and what would happen to them.

I just don’t hear any statements based on this new form of religion:

- I won’t be able to get married, because according to statistics there are fewer men than women by so many percent, and according to the same statistics, at the age of 30, most of them are married...

- I won’t find a good job for myself, because according to statistics, specialists of my profile are in demand only in such and such a segment, and it only makes up so many percent of the total number of places, and in another, according to market research, slightly different qualities of applicants are needed, which I don't have...

- I will not be able to improve my health, because for the majority, according to statistics and the opinion of doctors, this disease is incurable...

What does all this have to do with you? Why did you classify yourself as part of some faceless group of people? Who collected these statistics? Does it accurately reflect the real state of affairs? And even if it does reflect it, it was there and then, but here and now you yourself can create new statistical trends.

Statistics don't say anything. She doesn't predict. It only explores existing trends. And she cannot predict for you personally, in your specific life, whether you will get married, whether you will improve your health, or whether you will find a job.

Interestingly, according to the same statistics, alcohol consumption per capita in Russia is growing catastrophically, while alcoholism is becoming younger, and mortality from it is increasing.

But for some reason, crowds of people who believe in statistics refuse alcohol, and every Friday, or even more often, they go to “drink the norm.” But for some reason this part of the statistics is ignored. Apparently, I don’t want to believe in her. But then why believe in other gloomy forecasts?

The point, of course, is that faith in statistics is sometimes poorly understood resistance. A person may have his own set of fears (dealing with health, getting married, or looking for a job), but he does not have enough knowledge or determination to isolate these fears and start working with them.

And then the following “excuse” is unconsciously chosen - “there are statistics!”, which, in fact, only justifies the lack of action to improve the situation.

But the simplest action that could be taken right here and now is to refuse to measure yourself by other people's standards. Yes, something happened to someone somewhere. And to be completely blind to what is happening around is unwise.

But what do you have to lose if you start looking for a husband, regardless of the statistics? What if you started trying the health systems available to you, despite what “most people think”? What if you go through interviews trying to find something you like, despite the fact that “British scientists”...?

And if you are afraid of losing time and acting without guarantees, then what are you spending your time on now, today? Perhaps if you start living with feelings, they will tell you how unsatisfactory your reality is for you. But perhaps this feeling will be the impetus for you to start doing something?