Divorced parents and child. How to deal with parents getting divorced. Talk about your feelings

Divorce of parents is a terrible stress for a child. How not to repeat the fate of divorced mom and dad? How to protect your baby from the consequences of your divorce? Let's talk about it today. I look forward to your feedback [email protected].

Angela Kharitonova, practical psychologist

My sister suffered a divorce from her parents when she was very young. Growing up, she married a divorced man older than herself. And constantly "saves" him from drunkenness, then from depression. She's hard! Recently, happiness smiled at my sister - she met a real man. But she cannot leave the family: her husband is jealous, and he will disappear without her, for the sake of his son he must live. Lots of reasons! How can you help your sister? After all, she and her husband have no future.

Olga, 42, Tula.

According to statistics, children of divorced parents divorce themselves in 70% of cases. What to do if you are from a divorced family, but you yourself firmly decided to build a strong family for life? What to do if you have a child and divorce is inevitable?

How do children in the event of a divorce save themselves from stress?

Parental divorce is stressful for a child. To cope with it, each child makes his own “special” decision, which, as he thinks, will save him from repeating his parental fate. How effective this solution is depends on the age of the child, on how the divorce situation went, and on his personal characteristics.

The younger the child, the less he understands the situation, and his subconscious mind can make completely ridiculous decisions. For example, “I will never marry” or “I need to find a husband who certainly doesn’t go anywhere, even if he’s miserable, but mine.” It turns into a personal life script. To get out of a destructive scenario, you need to realize what decision you made when your parents divorced. Only then can one become free from the past!

What decision do children make when their parents get divorced?

I will give examples of the most common children's decisions and describe what fate these decisions lead to. Since more often a man becomes the initiator or cause of a divorce, I will give examples of “girlish decisions”, but a boy can decide the same thing, respectively, in relation to his future wife.

It is necessary to keep the husband on a short leash so that he does not leave. This decision leads to pathological jealousy, constant control, checks and, as a result, to the destruction of relationships.

It is better to find one that no one needs, then it will definitely remain in the family. Such girls subconsciously attract drunkards and losers and then suffer with them themselves. But even when it gets really bad, they cannot leave, because they decided that they would not repeat the fate of their parents. They are afraid that their child will suffer if mom and dad get divorced. But living in such a family is much worse for a child!

I'll drop it myself. A girl whose father left her mother can make such a decision. But for this you need to find a man morally weaker than yourself, who would love her more than she herself. This is a kind of revenge on the father for "mother's tears."

Just think, divorce ... You can change husbands like gloves! In this situation, the girl decided that she did not have to work to save her family. No need to adapt, no need to forgive, no need to go through crises. As soon as the first cooling or the first conflicts came - “everything, goodbye!”. Most often, this leads to the fact that, having survived several official and civil marriages, a woman comes to emptiness and disappointment. But there is another option - after a while wisdom comes, and relationships are already being built differently, a woman learns to forgive and accept.

Family at any cost! Having survived divorce stress, the girl decides that she will never divorce herself for anything. Often she feels guilty about the divorce of her parents or considers her mother wrong. This leads to the position of the victim. Her subconscious mind attracts such a man with whom it is not so easy to keep a family: unfaithful, drinker, loafer, aggressive, etc.

And then the motto "family at any cost" begins to operate in full force, making a woman unhappy. For example, a husband is already openly cheating and wants to leave, but she still keeps him by all means, because there is a ban on divorce in her head.

A good deed is not called a marriage. After surviving a divorce, the child decides that the family is a continuous problem. This decision "lurks" in the subconscious. Here, a girl or a guy is already 25, 30, 35 ... etc., but they are in no hurry to go to the registry office. Although they can talk about their desire to start a family, but only "there is no suitable person." Because inside there is a huge fear of experiencing what the parents experienced.

What to do if your divorce is imminent?

Sometimes it happens that for all members of the family, divorce is a lesser evil than the preservation of the family. In order for the decision of a child going through a divorce to be positive, and not destructive, several rules must be observed.

Positive decision.

“Yes, sometimes it happens that people can no longer live together. This is not so terrible, because they both love their child and can remain on good terms with each other. When I grow up, I will try to create a strong and happy family, I will be able to forgive, smooth out sharp corners, go through crises correctly and nurture family happiness. But if it happens that I become unhappy in this relationship and cannot fix anything, I will be ready to leave and start a new life.

Rules for Divorcing

• Do not swear in front of the child, do not blame each other.
• Explain to your child why you made the decision to leave, making the situation as easy as possible. Answer all questions. Tell me why it would be better.
• Show love to the child from two sides: from mom and dad.
• Do not speak badly about each other in front of the child.
• Maintain a calm, friendly relationship.
• What if you are from a divorced family and want to create a happy family life?
• First of all, define your childhood decision and how you are implementing it now. Understand that this decision was made by a childish mind, and now you are a wise adult and you can make a different decision.
• Give yourself freedom of choice and freedom of action, adopt a new motto (positive decision, see above). This is best done with a psychologist.
• Accept yourself completely, then it will be easy for you to accept your partner. Let yourself be yourself and let the other be different!

Your parents are divorced. The world that you thought was permanent and reliable has collapsed. But you should not feel sorry for yourself: about a sixth of teenagers survived the divorce of their parents. The collapse of the family knocks the ground out from under the feet of children, no matter how old they are: both preschoolers and adults with several higher education they worry if their mom and dad become strangers to each other. Therefore, do not withdraw into yourself - your thoughts and feelings are absolutely normal.

So, you are one or one of those in whose life once, like a bolt from the blue, the phrase of the parents sounded: “We are getting divorced.” Surely a hurricane of feelings is raging in your soul. What is not in this “bouquet”: shock, anger, resentment, fear, bewilderment, disappointment, guilt, pain ... Yes, now your life will be different, not necessarily worse or better - just different. How to survive this difficult period so as not to get lost in the stream of negative emotions that destroy you?

When your parents announce a divorce, they may not realize the pain they are causing you. Now you have to get used to the absence of a parent nearby, which you perceive as a loss. Fear settles in your soul: a loved one disappeared from life, he left you, stopped loving (although this is absolutely not the case), it seems to you that the world is collapsing! By the way, the way of life can really change significantly: you will have to move, go to another school, take on new obligations - all this also reinforces the feeling of a “universal catastrophe”.

Even if the atmosphere in the family was far from ideal, if it was shaken by quarrels and conflicts, and you understand in your mind that the house will become calmer, your soul is still full of fear and anxiety. Do you recognize yourself? All this is a normal reaction - you just need to know how not to get bogged down in a quagmire of despair and anxiety for a long time.

An unhappy marriage is not hereditary, but it can be traumatic for a child when parents speak ill of each other. For children, mom and mom will always be the same as before.

Reasons for divorce

Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky in the video explains the main reasons for divorce in the family and what to do next.

Perhaps you yourself saw that something was wrong: father and mother were constantly arguing, had little contact with each other, were constantly irritated, sad. But often the news hits like a bolt from the blue, and you are tormented by the question of why your parents are breaking up.

In fact, a divorce can have a huge number of reasons, and each family has its own. Parents are adults who have been married for a certain number of years. Many, over time, come to the conclusion that they made a mistake in choosing a life partner. In addition, we all tend to change - the relationship between husband and wife, their plans for the future, goals, interests, habits, ideals also change. At the level of everyday life, this turns into a lot of problems: parents cannot agree, find a common language even in everyday matters. And sometimes for a divorce you don’t even have to quarrel and argue: parents can become bored, uninteresting together, they become completely strangers. There comes a moment when they realize that going further through life together means dooming themselves to endless problem solving or a bleak existence.

“But everything was fine!”, you might say. Alas, the fact that your family life outwardly looked prosperous does not mean that it really was. Most likely, your parents simply did not want to injure you, so they hid the difficulties in the relationship, tried to fix something. As a rule, divorce decisions are not made in a day, but take months and even years to mature. But one day the time comes when it is no longer possible to endure and hide problems. Divorce becomes the easiest, and maybe the only way to put things in order in your life.

If the parents get divorced, then they made some mistakes. Try to understand these mistakes and not make them in the future.

If you have the right to ask your parents why they are splitting up? Of course! They might even have something to say. But you should not count on a completely frank, specific and reliable answer. Why?

• Adults, feeling guilty before you, can immediately begin to make excuses, trying to make the other side guilty, distort the facts. Parents can be understood: for many people, divorce is a personal failure, the need to admit their mistakes, and it is unpleasant for anyone to do this.
• They can choose the opposite tactics: wanting to protect you from shocks, they will not want to talk about the unworthy behavior of their other half - for example, treason, deceit, etc.
• There may be very personal reasons that no one should know about. And finally, you can simply be considered small (oh) and not able (oh) to understand the life of adults and their problems.

Thus, there are many reasons why the answers of parents will be vague, vague, laconic. The most important thing for you right now is not to take it personally, thinking that their breakup has something to do with you.

Remember: adults are responsible for the decision to break up, and children have nothing to do with it.

At one time, you could be the reason why mom and dad got married, but the reason for the breakup is not. Usually, on the contrary, because of the children, parents are looking for ways to save the family to the last. No matter how badly you behaved (a), this could not be the reason for the separation of your parents.

What to do and what not to do after the divorce of parents

Psychologist Marina Romanenko has prepared 8 tips that can help a child survive the divorce of their parents, and mom or dad - to remain a support and support for the baby, even in a difficult period.

If your parents are getting divorced or have already separated, you probably ask yourself if you can somehow fix the situation, what to do in general, how to behave. First, what not to do:

• This is so important that we repeat once again: you cannot blame yourself for what happened.
• Make sacrifices: study for one five, take on all the housework, become a good girl or a good boy just to reconcile your parents. In themselves, these actions are commendable, but to achieve the goal they are useless and will bring disappointment.
• Try to manipulate, issue an ultimatum, threaten. If you achieve anything with this, then only for a while and deprive yourself and your parents of the opportunity to quickly adapt to new realities.
• Resent and be angry with your parents. They are just trying to solve very difficult problems in their lives, to gain the opportunity to become happy - every person has the right to do this.
• Show selfishness. If you try to show how bad you feel with all your appearance and actions, it makes mother and father feel even more pain. Parents, no matter how they behave, have even harder than you. If they stay together, it won't make anyone happy. Don't you want your beloved parents to be happy and enjoy life?
• Be your own enemy. You can abandon your studies, act hooligans, get involved in dubious companies and adventures - this is how the negative that oppresses you finds a way out. But by behaving in this way, not only will you not fix anything, but you will also get into big trouble. Why do you need them, because you are already so bad!
• Stand up for one of the parents. For various reasons, you can be biased in your assessments of the situation and the behavior of loved ones. Therefore, you risk unfairly hurting someone who does not deserve it.

1. If I do not stop being angry and offended, what will I achieve?
2. Why is it unwise to punish your parents with your behavior?
3. Why is it better to forgive parents and support them?
4. How to take the place of parents? Analyze the situation from their point of view.

What to do to a child

• To understand that the relationship between your parents and your relationship with each of them are two big differences. The fact that they are breaking up does not mean that they stop loving you, that you are no longer needed. Divorce in itself does not change anything in your relationship with loved ones.
• Talk to your parents, tell them about your feelings and concerns. Their words of encouragement or explanation will make it easier to get through a difficult time. Perhaps your fears will be in vain. If your parents are not responding to your cry of the soul now, entrust it to someone else: an adult friend, a diary, a school psychologist. In any case, do not harbor resentment and anger, keep them in yourself.
• Communicate with both parents, support both sides. This is especially important if mom or dad (or someone else) starts turning you against the other side of the conflict. Give yourself time to sort things out.

What to expect from himself (herself) after the divorce of father and mother

Your first reactions are rage, despair, anxiety, etc. - after some time they give way to others. Of course, such a serious event cannot but leave a trace. What do you need to be prepared for?

• Feeling of loneliness. In the process of divorce or immediately after it, most parents are mainly occupied with personal affairs and experiences. Treat this with understanding: after all, people's lives are changing dramatically, they are experiencing severe stress. They need time to cope with it and return to parenting.
• Long habituation. Your consciousness needs some amount of time to restructure, adapt to changing conditions.
• Depression, apathy, tearfulness, unwillingness to communicate even with best friends. This is natural, and it will pass, it is only important not to “hang” in this state for a long time: work with your feelings, communicate with parents and other loved ones, do not lock yourself in four walls and in yourself.
• Constant irritation, aggressiveness, jealousy, uncontrollable behavior, rebellion against the rules - perhaps you yourself do not want to behave this way, you just cannot cope with what you have inside. But you have to fight your dark side.
• Skin problems, stuttering, insomnia, obsessive movements, headaches, abdominal pain, fatigue for no particular reason, decreased performance. This is another guise of internal problems - and another serious reason to end them.

Divorces have become such a common occurrence in the modern world that you probably have friends in your environment whose parents are also divorced. Perhaps, looking at them now, you wonder how they can behave as if nothing had happened. In fact, they too have been through a lot. As a result, many manage to feel still loved, maintain a great relationship with both parents - the same can be true for you. Now it may seem unbelievable, but over time you can come to the conclusion that the divorce of your parents even has its advantages. For example, they have become calmer, do not throw out anger at you, devote more time and attention. This is much better than living together, but feeling left out and miserable.

• If I have a grudge against one of my parents because of a divorce, I will talk to him about it
• I will tell my mom or dad about my experiences.

Begin with yourself

The main thing is not to let stress take over you completely. Weigh your worries and decide what worries you the most: the fear of losing the love of your mom or dad, worries about a change in your life, or concern for one of your parents? Remember that the separation of your parents did not affect your love for you in any way - they love you. Both. Strongly. It was difficult for them to break up because they were thinking about you. Doubt? Talk to each parent about your feelings. Ask if their love for you has diminished since the divorce? Do they want to communicate with you now? You will be surprised how sincerely your parents will be surprised at your questions.

If you are worried about your future life, then try to immediately accept the reality. Yes, mom and dad won't be together anymore. Drive away this hope. Don't try to reconcile your parents or "fight" with their new partners. In the near future, you will get used to a new life, you will even find advantages in it: if you see your dad only on weekends, he will most likely devote them completely to you; you will be able to show more independence and, looking at your reasonable behavior, adults will really begin to listen to your opinion. Or maybe, thanks to the lesson you have learned, you will learn to value family ties and never allow your family to break up in the future.

If you are overwhelmed with household chores, tell your parent about it. Ask for a redistribution of responsibilities.

Are you angry with your parents? Imagine that for the sake of their peace of mind, right now you need to create a family with an absolutely unsympathetic and, moreover, boring person: spend days with him, go to bed with him, take care of him. And never again communicate with the one you are in love with. Really, a bad fantasy? So parents should not have sacrificed their happiness for the sake of preserving your peace of mind. Sometimes love between a man and a woman passes. Forgive them and think about how you can help.

Help improve your life

After a divorce and division of property, there will be less money in the family, especially if you live with your mother. Show that you can be a support in this situation. Try to help save:

• if school or college is only a couple of stops away, walk;
• give up expensive entertainment for a while: going to a cafe can be replaced with a picnic, going to the cinema - watching a movie at home, etc.;
• take care of your health, try not to catch a cold - medicines are very expensive;
• handle things, shoes, phone, etc. with care;
• remember that some textbooks can be downloaded from the Internet for a small amount. If you only need a book for a few classes, go to the library;
• girls can learn needlework and create some of their own clothes and accessories;
• boys are able to master minor household repairs;
• switch to a healthy diet - kefir and a bun are cheaper than cola and chips (you will also save on the dentist at the same time);
• if you have a choice - take water / sandwiches with you or buy in the city - take it with you;
• learn to cook. Frying potatoes and self-made cutlets from minced meat is much cheaper than eating semi-finished products or buying ready-made food.

Believe in change for the better and talk about it to your mother. Every crisis has an end.

Try to take on some of the responsibilities: walk the dog, learn how to turn on the washing machine, learn how to change light bulbs and screw in screws. And, of course, let everything be fine at school. This will free up time for leisure activities with parents. And now you need twice as much time, because you will have a rest separately with mom and separately with dad.

By taking on responsibilities around the house, you will mature faster than your peers from intact families, who usually have less responsibility.

Take care of your emotional state

If a parent is deeply depressed, and this happens often, help him not to mope. Make decisions yourself, because you can already take care of a loved one. What to do if mom / dad is completely “unstuck”:

• Tidy up the apartment - a person's well-being depends on the environment. Invite your parent to help you, and even better, ask for advice (how to clean windows better, how to clean a microwave, etc.)
• At the weekend, try to get the ancestor out of the apartment. A trip to the zoo, a walk along the promenade, a picnic, a beach will do. Communication with nature calms and gives strength.
• small handmade very good at calming the nerves. If you "suddenly" take a great interest in beadwork, knitting, embroidery or puzzle-solving and involve a parent in this, it will be just fine.
• Sometimes it helps people get out of depression by caring for those who are in a more difficult situation. If you do not dislike such activities, then volunteer: help in the nursery of abandoned animals, spread information about missing people, distribute food to the homeless. And be sure to ask for the help of a parent - after all, you are a minor, you still cannot do a lot of things without adults.
• If nothing helps, and the situation worsens: a loved one refuses to eat, he has problems with pressure or sleep, there are pains in his heart, be sure to persuade mom or dad to see a doctor. Sometimes the problem can be solved only with the help of antidepressants prescribed by the doctor.

When using any advice, remember to do it sincerely. “A game for one viewer” parents understand immediately.

And in the psychology of men and women there is one important difference: in order to survive a difficult situation, a woman needs to talk about it, a man needs to hide in “his own cave” for a while and think everything over. Arrange for mom to meet her friends and leave the house for a couple of hours. Without you, she will be able to really say what she thinks. When helping dad, let him be alone for a while, and then distract him with some kind of joint activity.

Become a wizard

You remember your childhood spent with your parents. You love them both and wish them well. So help them not to make more mistakes:

• Keep in touch with the parent who now lives on his own. Call him when you're bored. Discuss when and where you will meet. He will be very grateful to you for these initiatives;
• Take care of the fate of the parent who is left alone. Tell him that you don't mind if he remarries / remarries or, for starters, dates someone. You like going on dates, making plans, don't you? Adults also need attention and love. And imagine that in a few years you will become an adult, you will have a job, a loved one, a family. And mom or dad will be left alone and, perhaps, they will no longer be able to build new relationships because of their age.

During this difficult period, you can become something like a magician: fill the void that has formed in the life of one of the parents, forgive the second, help him find happiness. And most importantly, grow up. Not according to the documents. On business.

• Why are some people prejudiced against children from incomplete families?
• Why don't mom and dad want to load you with homework?
• How can you help a single parent?

Reader question:

My parents have decided to divorce. I hoped until the very end that this would not happen. But they have already filed for divorce.

Natasha

Psychologist's answer:

The question is answered by a Christian psychologist - consultant Lazarev Maxim Anatolyevich

It's terrible when parents get divorced. You feel that the familiar world is collapsing, and then blackness, the unknown. Feeling like you have to pick a side. The divorce of parents is the very event that divides life into “before” and “after”.

In general, a family can be compared to a system in which there are certain connections. “Husband-wife”, “father-son”, “grandmother-granddaughter”. We often forget that mom and dad are not always just mom and dad - they are also husband and wife. Two adults with their relationships, feelings, interests. Husband and wife are getting divorced. At the same time, they do not cease to be your parents - this is very important to remember.

Divorce is usually the last resort resorted to by spouses. They don’t come to him for no reason at all, he matures for quite a long time and, when the process itself starts, it’s rarely possible to change something. If the parents really wanted to save the family, they tried everything they could - conversations, letters to each other, family councils, meetings with a priest, a psychologist, etc. If you are kept up to date with these cases, make sure that they have not forgotten anything and have tried to build relationships in every way possible. And if they forgot to do any of the above, remind them of this opportunity.

It is difficult, and sometimes even impossible, to say who is to blame for a divorce. Yes, and it is not always necessary.
The main thing to understand is that there is no one else's fault here. This is a matter for two adults. You should definitely remember that it was they who made this decision and in no case blame yourself.

Sometimes it happens that one or both parents try to "attract" a child to their side. It can be a calculation or an emotional, spontaneous reaction. Indeed, sometimes it happens that adults are offended by one another and, like children, they want to annoy each other as much as possible. Sometimes, if resentment clouds the mind too much, any means are used, including attempts to manipulate the child. One parent can say nasty things about the other, point out shortcomings, remind you of how he did not allow you to do something. In no case do not succumb to provocations! This is only the voice of deep resentment and nothing more. Remember all the good things that you had with mom and dad - together and separately with each. Try not to discuss anyone in his absence.

And sometimes it seems that if you take sides, it will become easier. This is not so, although sometimes it is not immediately noticeable. After some time, you may begin to miss the “warring” side, blame yourself for taking this position, repent. Apologizing will be more difficult than simply not taking an accusatory stance against one of the parents.

Divorce is often accompanied by quarrels. It hurts, it's unpleasant, it's hard to watch two people you love sort things out. As far as possible - try to protect yourself from this: ask your parents not to sort things out in your presence. If you don't get through to them, you yourself leave for a while. They are not robots and cannot always contain their feelings. Remember - they are not fighting because of you, but because of what is happening in their relationship.

If you are not quite a child anymore, you will most likely have to choose who to live with. This is a very difficult decision. Do not take it on emotions, weigh all the pros and cons, give yourself time for a sober assessment of everything that happens.

The most important thing in this terrible situation is to save yourself and your relationship with mom and dad. Tell them how you feel. You must love your parents very much. And they both need your love, just like you need theirs. Let them know that you are terribly hurt and sad from their divorce, but you did not begin to love them less because of this.

So, if we summarize the answers to the question "What to do?" Here's what can be highlighted:
Remember that after a divorce, mom and dad will still be your mom and dad.

· Make sure that everything has been done to save the marriage. Specify whether they tried to come to some kind of compromise solutions, did they consult with their families, did they turn to a priest for spiritual support, did they go to meetings with a psychologist?

· Remember that you are not to blame for the divorce!

Don't take a position. Try not to discuss mom or dad in their absence.

Each family is like a living organism and it is clear that most happy couples celebrate their family's birthday - the day of marriage. But no one celebrates the day of the "death" of this organism - the day of divorce, especially if there are children in the family who are watching this process with tears in their eyes. Children after the divorce of their parents can be deeply traumatized. They withdraw into themselves, and cannot normally adapt in society, make friendships and romantic relationships in adulthood.

How not to injure a child during a divorce will tell you family psychologist, which you must turn to if you are going so that a self-sufficient and self-confident personality is formed from your offspring, and not a clamped sociopath.

Divorce of parents for children

The family gives children everything they need, from an early age, on the basis of the behavior of mom and dad, they form the concept of marriage. By the same principle, subconsciously they will build their family in the future. Parents are the two most important people in life. If the parents divorce, the offspring are faced with the choice of one person; their world is collapsing like a house of cards. At this time, parents should devote maximum time to their baby and consult on how to explain the divorce to the child, so that he can understand the act of mom and dad. It is necessary for some time to forget about personal hostility, your feelings and behave with restraint, to convince the baby that he will not become less loved by each of them, and will be able to see both mom and dad on demand.

For older children, schools begin to teach a subject called "the psychology of family life." In this discipline, children are explained that a family is not the result of two people falling in love, but a process in which a beginning and an end are not ruled out. The advice of a psychologist will also help parents who sometimes do not know how to behave with a child during a divorce and how to tell a child about a divorce.

Children during the divorce of their parents go through several stages of perception of the situation, each of them has its own characteristics. In order for a child to remain a full member of society after the divorce of his parents, adults must carefully study how children survive the divorce of their parents and how to behave appropriately at each stage.

The first stage is anger. Parents get divorced, the child is angry with them, why can't they make up and live as before, because there was so much good in their life. It seemed to the kid that he would always have both mom and dad, respectively, anger at the divorce of parents for a child is a normal reaction. He regards the marriage of his parents, due to his immaturity, as a toy with which he loved to play so much, but it has broken and can no longer perform its functions as before. Telling a child about the divorce of parents at the stage of anger is the most difficult thing, because no matter how small the child is, he hears screams and scandals, which often precede an official divorce.

The influence on the child's psyche must be carried out in such a way that it is clear to him, especially if he perceives the family as a broken toy and wants it to work as before. Explain that now, instead of one old toy, he will have two completely new ones, which will be much more interesting for him to play with. New toys mean two new families, which he will later have on his mother's side, and his father's side.

The second stage is fear. This is perhaps the strongest feeling that children feel after the divorce of their parents. If living in a full-fledged family, the child felt safe and protected, then in the process of new events, he is no longer sure of anything, and does not know what awaits him. If there are former spouses, then maybe there are former children? This question is often asked by children when their parents are divorced. The kid feels the loss of one of his close people and is afraid of losing those who remained next to him. If at this time adults do not decide how to help the child survive the divorce of his parents, then this fear will only increase and disrupt the child's psyche, developing into complexes, paranoia and even some developmental deviations.

Guilt is another stage. The consequences of divorce for children are difficult to predict, because even a small cub is already a personality, only not formed, and such a turning point in his life can become an impetus for the formation of the main qualities of his character. The feeling of guilt is very pronounced in children from 3 to 7 years old. The kids are thinking, perhaps it is their constant crying and whims that have become the reason that the parents want to get a divorce. At this time, a small person will try in every possible way to reconcile adults, to promise that in the future he will behave better. It is simply impossible to watch his zeal to restore his family without tears in his eyes.

It is important to tell your son or daughter that they are the best and parents would never part because of them, because they are the most valuable and the best that they have. The guilt that your offspring feels needs to be refuted first. It can be explained that the parents continue to love him, but for some time they will live separately. Over time, their child will get used to the new situation and this feeling will no longer arise.

How should parents behave?

How divorce affects children, parents cannot even imagine, because sometimes children remain calm on the outside, but inside they experience a huge resentment towards adults and feel lonely. To minimize the consequences of divorce for a child, adults must adhere to several rules:

• spend more time with your child, surround him with attention and care. It is important not only to watch TV together, but to play, walk, even if one of the parents lives separately. The kid must understand that for him everything will be as before, only adults will change;
• in no case, do not deceive, the baby feels tension in the family, he has the right to know the intention of mom and dad to leave. You just need to choose the right time to tell the children about the divorce of their parents and choose the right words;
• it is not necessary to radically change living conditions if, for example, the parents broke up, which is already a big stress, you do not need to immediately move to another city or transfer children to a new school. This is an additional trauma;
• do not introduce schoolchildren to the course of everything that is happening, adult issues such as the division of property can be left out of the attention of children;
• never prolong children if there are several of them, in addition to the fact that the baby is aware of the need to live with only one parent, reconcile with the idea that dad chose not him or mom decided to keep her sister, can cause severe depression and the development of serious mental illness;
• do not drag children to your side, and do not set them against the second parent. It is unbearable for a child to choose between the two most dear people.

Such recommendations will help prepare children for the divorce of their parents, to equip their new life as best as possible. It is not the grandparents who should explain to the child the divorce of the parents, but the parents themselves. Raising children is a big responsibility, and when the spouses decided to have a baby, they had to prepare that they would also solve any issues together.

How to tell children about divorce?

How to explain to a child that parents are getting divorced is a very important question that all spouses ask. No matter how old you are 18 or 6, the news about the breakup between mom and dad always traumatizes the psyche. Adults should be prepared for how to tell a child about a divorce, and for his inadequate reaction. He will probably scream to cry, ask to change his mind, but if the decision to divorce is finally made, adults should not deviate from their intention, and not say something like: “Well, my father and I will think, maybe it will still work out” . In this case, you give false hope for the restoration of the family, and if this ultimately does not happen, in addition to resentment, anger and disappointment, the baby loses confidence in his parents. Then restore a good relationship with him, it will be very difficult.

How to prepare a child for divorce, and how to transfer a traumatic event from the “catastrophe” section to the “new stage in family life” section, will be told by many publications of world psychologists that can be found on the Internet. Our site also has tips that will be useful to parents who do not know how to tell their child about a divorce. Phrases sound very good:

• “You will probably be upset when you find out the news that we will tell you”;
• “We understand that you are very upset by our decision”;
• “We understand that you are angry and think that we are ruining everything.”

Although these phrases sound rude, they will help the baby think things over and listen to his feelings. He will appreciate the fact that they treat him like a full member of the family, and they want to talk to him seriously.

Of course, there is no point in using such memorized statements in a conversation with a 3-year-old kid, he will not understand their meaning. Now we are talking about how to survive the divorce of parents to a teenager and tell an almost formed offspring about their adult affairs. If psychological assistance is provided to the child in a timely manner during a divorce, he will understand that there is nothing wrong with the fact that the parents have separated.

How should the child behave?

A child of school age or a teenager does not know how to survive the divorce of his parents, but he determines the manner of his behavior based on the situation that is kept in the family. If the child has already formed, then it should also understand that it is not bad for him alone, but parents also need support and understanding. He, as an important part of their family, can help to quickly complete this unpleasant process of divorce, adequately responding to the decision of mom and dad to live separately.

Few children know what to do if their parents divorce, so most often they simply run away from home, adding to the list of adult problems with their disappearance. Leaving home, or to be more precise, from the problem, will never solve it. A teenager who is going through a divorce should give his parents a little time to figure everything out, not interfere in adult affairs, but simply fulfill the duties assigned to him - go to school, behave well.

In no case should you use the divorce of your parents for your own purposes, that is, say "if you buy me something, I will stay with you." It is also impossible to set even more parents against each other, this is vile and not fair to them, because they are already going through a difficult period in their lives.

No matter how hard it is to experience a split in the family, children should be fully aware that everything will soon pass and normalize. It will no longer be so painful to see mom and dad, and on the face of the parents, although separately, there will again be a smile and a sparkle in the eyes. Now you know how to explain to a child about the divorce of parents and how divorce affects children. Summing up, I would like to note that it is never worth living in a marriage for the sake of common children. The illusion of a family will not bring joy to anyone. Over time, the guys will grow up and will not appreciate the act of their parents, and mom and dad will not be able to start their lives over again.

The children's helpline 8-800-2000-122 is often contacted by children and adolescents whose parents have decided to divorce or are already in the process of divorce. Probably, you yourself know that many families are now experiencing this problem and, perhaps, your peers and friends have already gone through this. It often seems to many children that if parents began to swear more often and constantly, then things are heading for divorce and a breakup is inevitable. How to be in this situation? What to do if the parents are close to divorce or are already going to get divorced? How to make their decision? This life hack and the specialists of the children's helpline will help you find answers to these questions.

Divorce is a difficult emotional situation for the whole family, and, of course, the children are very worried about this.

What questions and concerns do your peers address to the children's helpline if their parents are in a divorce situation?

• Feelings of confusion due to the inability to influence the situation
• Guilt. It seems like your parents are divorcing because of you or it has something to do with you
• Fear of losing a family, one of the parents or both
• Feeling lonely because your parents are busy divorcing and they don't have time for you
• Anxiety, resentment, anger at your parents, because you find yourself in this situation and don’t know what to do, you’re afraid and don’t know how to express everything that boiled up because of this situation
• Difficult feelings and resentment towards one of the parents
• Fear for the future due to a lack of understanding of how your family will live after a divorce and how you will communicate with your parents further, with whom you will stay to live

What to do if your parents constantly quarrel?

1. Maintain a neutral stance, even if one of the parents tries to turn you against the other in a fit of emotions. They don’t do it on purpose, they just need support in difficult times, and they don’t always understand how this affects you.

If you feel like you are being drawn into a fight or asked to take sides, tell your parents: “Mom/Dad, I understand that you need support, but I can’t take sides because you are equally important to me. . Don't make me choose, it's very hard, and I'm going through just as much as you both."

Let your parents know what's bothering you, but do it in a constructive way. Name your feelings, and do not demonstrate them through resentment towards parents, refusal to communicate with parents, inclusion in a conflict.

It is important to tell your parents directly that you are offended that they have stopped paying attention to you, and not defiantly avoid communicating with them or punish them with your difficult behavior at school, suspension and an attempt to violate established rules and agreements in the family.

1. Leave responsibility for what happens to parents. They are adults and can take responsibility for their own relationships and decisions. Even if they decide to divorce, it will be their choice and their relationship history. After all, you always protect your personal space and your relationship with friends and a girl / boyfriend and think that this is purely your business, so now try to look at this situation from the side and accept what they, as adults, must go through and figure it out on one's own.

Perhaps you yourself have already had the experience of parting with a guy or a girl, and you know that at some point you come to understand that you don’t want to be with someone together for completely different reasons. So your parents, despite the fact that they once decided to become a couple, now there is an understanding that it would be better for them to leave and not torment each other. Perhaps only one of them made such a decision, and the second is experiencing pain, disappointment and resentment, and he needs your support and care.

What to do if the decision to divorce is made?

1. Remember that this is not your fault, and your attempts to help them save the relationship will not affect their choice anyway. The relationship between mom and dad is their area of ​​​​responsibility and only they can figure it out.
2. Know that all the emotions that you are experiencing now are normal and many of your peers have gone through this. You can always find out how it was for them, what they felt, and what helped them cope and survive it!

If you are sad, scared, offended - do not keep these experiences in yourself, talk about it openly, and you can call the children's helpline at any time when you realize that it has become difficult and necessary with someone who will understand and hear you unbiased and confidential.

1. Ask questions. Most people are afraid of the unknown. The more you know about the situation, the easier it will be for you to accept it.

Ask your parents about what will happen next: how will you live now? Where will mom or dad live, which parent will you live with, how will you now see the parent who moves to another apartment / house, and other issues that bother you.

If you want your opinion about who you will live with to be taken into account, say so.

1. Try to accept the decision of the parents about the divorce. In this situation, you will not be able to change anything, attempts to put pressure on parents, to persuade, will not help correct the situation, but will only upset everyone more. Believe me, the decision to divorce was difficult for your parents, and if it is accepted, then this is really the only possible choice. Treat him with respect, no matter how hard it is for you.
2. Remember that parents divorce each other, not you. Just because they stop being husband and wife, they won't stop being your mom and dad.

It may not be easy for you at first. Everyone needs time to adjust to a new way of life, but gradually you will learn to live in a new situation.

1. If at some point you need help and support, you can always call the children's helpline free of charge and anonymously at 8-800-2000-122.

Know that you are not alone, many of your peers have gone through a divorce of their parents, but managed to survive this difficult situation and maintain a warm relationship with both parents and were able to adapt to the new situation. Child Helpline Psychologists will help you find the resources to deal with this situation and accept such a dramatic change in your life.

There is life after the divorce of parents, and it can give you new experience and understanding of how to cope with difficulties and that you need to value and cherish relationships every day!

Any pain passes with time, and joy and peace come in its place. If you are having a hard time right now, read this parable of King Solomon and his ring. Perhaps you will find in it the very words of support you need right now.

There was a wise king Solomon. But despite his wisdom, his life was not calm. And once King Solomon turned for advice to the court wise man with a request: “Help me - a lot in this life can drive me crazy. I am strongly subject to passions, and this greatly hinders me!” To which the Sage replied: “I know how to help you. Put on this ring - the phrase is carved on it: "THIS WILL PASS!" When you feel strong anger or great joy, look at this inscription and it will sober you up. In this you will find salvation from passions!

As time went on, Solomon followed the advice of the Sage and found peace. But the moment came and one day, as usual, looking at the ring, he did not calm down, but on the contrary, he lost his temper even more. He tore the ring off his finger and was about to throw it far into the pond, but suddenly noticed that there was some kind of inscription on the inside of the ring. He looked closely and read: "THIS WILL ALSO GO..."