Entering into marriage, the newlyweds imagine their future life together only in iridescent shades. It seems to them that no circumstances can spoil their happiness and insidious separation will bypass them. But not every married couple is able to keep love for life. According to statistics for 2013, 50% of marriages in Russia end in divorce. Most marital unions break up in the first years after the wedding, however, among people who have lived together for more than a dozen years, the number of divorces has also recently increased.

In order to adequately survive the separation from his soulmate, a person needs psychological help during a divorce, which can be obtained in all major cities of our country.

Why do divorce couples need a psychologist?

are different. Marriage can cease to exist because of the opposite views of the spouses on life, domestic disorder, disappointment in their partner, incompatibility of characters, betrayal, jealousy. But even if living together brought husband and wife more grief than joy, having received a divorce, they often find themselves in a depressed state. Parting with a marriage partner is a severe psychological trauma for a person, its strength can be compared with the death of a close relative. Divorced people are afraid of the uncertainty that awaits them in the future, the fear of loneliness and the feeling of being unclaimed.

The hardest thing after parting with their soul mates is for women who have children in their arms. It just so happened in our country that mainly men are engaged in the financial provision of families. Representatives of the weaker sex, abandoned by their husbands, often find themselves in a difficult financial situation and do not know how to live on. negative thoughts completely master them. After a divorce, a person seeks support from loved ones, hopes for their sincere sympathy. Relatives will really support and regret. But this will not make it easier for a divorced person, because he will feel like a victim who was undeservedly offended, let down and abandoned. Self-pity will drive a person into depression even more.

not as simple as it seems at first glance. Regardless of whether the person turned out to be the initiator of the dissolution of the marriage or the one who was abandoned, he will experience the separation equally emotionally. It takes people 3 to 5 years of life to be completely independent. Having resorted to the consultation of a psychologist, they will be able to endure the separation from their spouse relatively painlessly, having come out of this difficult everyday situation with minimal losses for themselves.

The help of a psychologist is necessary for people throughout the entire period of divorce: from the moment when they realized that their further life together is impossible, until the time when the former spouses understand that they can exist quite comfortably without each other. But psychological consultations are needed not only for husbands and wives who are on the verge of divorce, they are no less necessary for the children of the couple, because they are very emotionally experiencing the separation of their parents.

Help of a family psychologist before a divorce

It is worth visiting a family psychologist for spouses who have a decision about divorce. If people still doubt whether they need to get a divorce or still try to save a family, a specialist’s consultation will help them deal with their problems in a balanced way, without undue emotions. A psychologist will not give a husband and wife advice on whether to file for divorce or not. He will push the couple to make the right decision, which she will not later regret. In the pre-divorce period, there are still chances to save the family, so a visit to a psychologist often allows spouses to look at their contradictions and problems from the other side and improve relations by refusing to part. If the situation turns out to be so difficult that it is no longer possible to avoid the dissolution of the marriage, the specialist will help the couple survive it without undue unrest, while maintaining their mental health and faith in the future.

Usually, the initiator of visiting a family psychologist in case of difficulties in marital relationships is one of the marriage partners. If he fails to persuade his soulmate to come to an appointment with a specialist together, he can do it individually. It is especially important to sign up for a psychological consultation when:

• the news of the divorce turned out to be a surprise for one of the spouses, and he does not know what to do in this situation;
• husband and wife, despite the existing contradictions between them, wish to preserve their union;
• the person they want to divorce loves his soul mate.

Divorce assistance is equally important for couples. Divorce proceedings rarely take place in our time in a civilized way. Mutual insults, disappointments and reproaches, the division of property, the struggle for joint children can bring even the most balanced person out of a state of emotional stability. Contacting psychological counseling at this stage will help a person receive qualified assistance in divorce, consisting of individual communication with specialists and training, thanks to which he will be able to painlessly survive parting with his beloved and learn to look to the future with confidence.

In a divorce situation, parents need to take care of their children. The psychological trauma that a child receives when his parents part ways can leave a deep mark on his soul for life. Children under the age of 10 are especially sensitive to the divorce of their beloved parents. Seeing parental quarrels, on a subconscious level, they consider themselves to be the culprits of what is happening and are sure that mom and dad are no longer needed.

On top of that, adults often resort to forbidden tricks, trying to win over children to their side, setting them against the second parent. Caught between two fires, kids get powerful stress. Divorcing spouses should take into account that no matter how strong their grievances are, it is impossible to deal with a showdown with a child. The baby must be protected as much as possible from family scandals, remembering his fragile psyche.

In order to provide a child with psychological assistance, it is not necessary to personally bring him to a consultation with a specialist. It will be enough if the psychologist is visited by the mother and father of the baby or at least one parent. Thanks to communication with a specialist, the spouses will understand what line of behavior they should build so that parting has the least negative impact on the psyche of their common children. It is advisable to visit a family psychologist if:

• divorced spouses cannot decide with which of them the child will live after the divorce;
• parents had disputes about the order of communication with children after the dissolution of the marriage;
• the second parent does not want to communicate with the baby.

Psychological work with people after a divorce

Having received a divorce document in their hands, people are still forced to communicate with their former spouses. The reasons for this are most often the joint upbringing of children, common living space, work at the same enterprise, and so on. Because of this, people very often cannot put an end to their previous relationships and start a new life. Often, in the heart of a divorced person, love for the one with whom he has lived together for many years still glimmers. An old attachment makes it impossible to find a new love. In order to meet and be able to love another person, you must completely let go of the former spouse and leave in the past all the good and bad associated with him. Only then do divorced people have a chance to find happiness with another partner (and he will definitely be), to build harmonious relationships with him, qualitatively different from the previous ones.

If a person understands that he is stuck in thoughts in past relationships and cannot overcome himself in order to distance himself from them and start a new page in his own life, psychological help after the dissolution of the marriage will come in very handy. It will also be needed for someone who, after parting with his ex-husband, fell into a deep depression and does not find the strength to get out of it on his own. In the course of individual sessions with a psychologist, the patient will learn to separate the past from the present, begin to treat himself with love and respect, gain confidence in the future and master the technique of building successful relationship models.

Some couples, after a certain time after a divorce, begin to realize that their separation was a mistake. People converge again in the hope that this time they will succeed. But often the old model of relations between spouses remains and prevents them from building a life together again. Adult people do not change, which means that the problems that have already destroyed their family once will arise again in the near future. Qualified post-divorce assistance for couples who have gotten back together will help them understand the reasons for their past breakup and build relationships on a different, more constructive level.

If a person, left all alone after a divorce, does not dare to visit a psychologist, he can take advice that will help him feel the taste for life again.

1. You can not lock yourself in your experiences and lock yourself in four walls. In order to not be overwhelmed by sad thoughts after a divorce, you need to try to keep yourself busy with work, travel, chatting with friends on abstract topics. If you want to cry, you don't need to restrain yourself. Tears have a calming effect, after them it always becomes easier.
2. No need to take revenge on an ex-partner. Threats, scandals, blackmail by children, an attempt to start a new relationship, just to hurt the once beloved spouse, will not lead to anything good. The first time after the dissolution of a marriage, any rash actions should be avoided.
3. Divorce is an opportunity to learn what you didn't have time to do in your marriage. Instead of killing yourself over your failed family life, the best thing to do is to start learning a foreign language, learn to play a musical instrument, do yoga, take a chance on skydiving.
4. It is important to remember that children after a divorce suffer no less than their parents. In order to minimize their stress, you need to spend as much time with them as possible, showing with all your attitude that they are still loved.

After the divorce process is left behind, you need to set yourself up for a positive scenario for the future. It is important to remember that divorce from a spouse is not the end of life, but only the end of a certain period of it. After gaining freedom, a person has a great chance to build his life in a new way, and it depends only on him how happy she will be.

HOW TO SURVIVE A DIVORCE?

PSYCHOLOGICAL HELP IN DIVORCE

Divorce is one of the most traumatic situations. which, unfortunately, almost every second family experiences. The stress experienced during a divorce approaches in strength the stress of grief due to the death of a loved one.
The husband left - at some unconscious level, it's like he died. Divorce is a grief, a loss, even if the marriage was not registered, even if the love is practically gone. It is impossible to survive a divorce alone; during this period, support and participation are needed.

The pain experienced during a divorce is compared by many who are in the process of divorce and after a divorce with the loss of a part of themselves - “as if they cut off their hand”, or with the loss of themselves entirely - “it’s as if I don’t exist.” It is very painful when expectations are destroyed, it hurts that there is no longer a joint future, it is a pity for the lost time, it is scary to be alone.

It is said that time heals all wounds. Studies have shown that on average people go through a divorce on their own (without the help of a psychologist) from 3 to 5 years. But our practice shows that some people cannot move away after a divorce for 10 years or more.

That's why divorce counseling necessary for all family members, and especially for the spouse who is being left. Especially if the divorce was unexpected for him, or he is against divorce and loves his partner.

Psychological assistance during a divorce is also important to those who own the divorce initiative.. The initiator of a divorce, as a rule, experiences a huge sense of guilt, heaviness, pressure from the abandoned spouse and other relatives. Of course, in psychological help in divorce is also needed by the most affected party - children.

Divorce is a long psychological process that begins with the decision to divorce and ends when the emotional, legal, economic relationship is fully completed. Conventionally, it can be divided into three stages: the pre-divorce stage, the stage of the divorce itself and the stage after the divorce.

Psychological assistance in the pre-divorce period. On the brink of divorce.

If you are on the verge of a divorce and in doubt whether to take the next step or not, to leave the relationship or not, you need psychological help to make an informed, informed decision. Of course, no one will make such a decision for you, but together with a psychologist you will be able to understand what you really want.

At this stage, the family can still be saved. Or maybe you will understand that there is nothing left to save and you will be able to accept the situation as it is, and go through a divorce less painfully. In the pre-divorce period, family counseling will help you, when you two come to a psychologist.

Psychological help is especially needed if you both do not know whether to divorce or not, and as a result, live in constant stress. In this tension, it is impossible to make the right decision. The sooner you seek psychological help, the better.

If the other half does not agree to contact a psychologist, then individual psychological counseling will help.

It is especially important to visit a psychologist if

• - the decision to divorce, taken by the "second half", turned out to be a complete surprise for you
• - if you are against divorce
• - if you love your spouse

Our psychologists have 15 years of experience in providing psychological assistance in the pre-divorce period and divorce.

Psychological assistance in divorce. Threshold of love.

At this stage, the decision to divorce is finally made, and the divorce process itself begins. You found yourself on the threshold of a relationship - the most painful stage of a relationship and began to open the door to a new life. No one knows what awaits you beyond this threshold.
How to survive a divorce? Psychological help during divorce is necessary for both spouses and children.

At this stage, we suggest you go through an effective short-term program developed in our center. This program allows you to reduce the time of experiencing a divorce (from 3 to 5 years) to six months.

• It is not always necessary to bring the child himself. Sometimes, in order to help children, it is enough to do a family constellation (you can come to one parent) and go through a consultation with the parents themselves (or one parent).

  Psychological help after divorce

  Very often, for many couples, the complete completion of the relationship after a divorce does not occur. Legal divorce and even separation of spouses does not mean that a psychological divorce has occurred and the relationship has ended. However, incomplete relationships prevent us (and especially women) from building our personal lives further.

  While the heart is occupied with the old love, it is impossible to meet a new one. But on the other hand, it is possible to find a surrogate love (a semblance of an old love) and once again step on the same rake, but with a different person.

  Why is this happening? Because the conflict from an unfinished relationship is transferred to a new relationship and played again with another person. Moreover, in this case, the new partner is often similar to the previous one. And usually just as traumatized by previous relationships as you are. Perhaps a new relationship can be even worse than the previous one.

  They say: "leaving go away." If you are divorced, separate completely, separate from each other, don't get stuck in a state of divorce. Then you can open the door to a new life.

  Very often, couples find themselves in the trap of self-deception. It seems to them that they have completely parted, but in fact, in the soul of each of the former spouses (or one spouse), feelings for a partner and hope for a restoration of relations still live. For example, after a divorce, some couples continue sexual relations for several more years. Many believe that they remained only friends, in fact, this is self-deception. In most of these cases, the relationship is not completed.

  Indicators of an incomplete relationship is the fact that you can’t leave in any way and live in the same house (apartment), that you can’t share property. Sexual attraction to a partner (even secretly), a desire to take revenge on him, jealousy, envy of his success, pain, resentment, anger and any other feelings towards a former partner indicate that you have not completed the relationship.

  In the post-divorce phase, we offer you an effective short-term program divorce counseling developed in our center. This program will help you complete the relationship, separate (separate) from your spouse.

  The program we offer includes

  
  - individual consultations,
  - arrangement for parting
  - the following trainings:

  • Psychological assistance after a divorce during the division of property

    If you did not initially sign a marriage contract, and after a divorce there is no agreement on the division of property, then we provide psychological assistance in this case as well. To do this, we recommend visiting individual consultations or family constellation. Sometimes one lesson is enough for the problem of division of property after a divorce to be resolved, and both parties to come to an agreement.

    Why is divorce counseling important?

    It is impossible to avoid experiencing grief, to hide your head in the sand, to pretend that nothing is happening. And psychological help during a divorce is priceless. Grief during a divorce is important to survive, to live.

    There are several stages of mourning in a divorce.

    The first stage of grief in divorce is denial.
    It's a shock. At this stage, the defense mechanisms of the psyche are activated, and the person, trying to avoid pain, denies the situation of divorce. The abandoned spouse perceives everything as a nightmare: now he will wake up, and everything will be the same, or he (she) will understand that he is wrong, change his mind and return. He does not believe in what is happening, that a divorce is possible, that all this is happening to him, to his family. He does not accept the situation of divorce and sometimes even behaves as if nothing happened.

    The second stage of grief in divorce is aggression.
    When a person nevertheless admits that they left him, he, fleeing from pain, feels strong anger, anger, rage, and at the same time fear, thoughts of revenge appear. At this stage, a person tends to blame the other spouse for the divorce and its causes, he denies his contribution to what happened. Insults, name-calling are heard against the partner, aggressive actions may be manifested. Then aggression, not finding a way out, turns on itself, the person accuses himself of divorce. He is overwhelmed with guilt. In no case should you suppress aggression, it is important to respond competently, and our psychologists will help you with this.

    The third stage of grief in divorce is depression.
    It is impossible to protect yourself from pain all the time, and at this stage a person is overcome by pain, longing, despair, despondency, apathy, hopelessness. We cannot avoid these feelings, it is important to live them. Thoughts about my own uselessness appear (no one needs me), self-esteem decreases.
    Psychological help during a divorce at this stage of grief is necessary. Thanks to the living of these feelings, everything that happened is receding into the past. Man lives in memories life together, goes through various episodes in his memory, and gradually "we" is fading into the past.

    The fourth stage is accepting the divorce.
    At this stage, the loss of the family is affirmed, the threshold of the relationship is affirmed. “Yes, there was a family, but it broke up, a divorce happened, there is no “we” anymore, there is “I” and “you.” The threshold itself has already been passed, you left the relationship, and the door is closing behind you. There is no return to these relationships. But you still hold on to the handle of the door closed behind you.
    The pain gradually decreases, dulls. Everything that happened, that was and is being rethought, there is an adaptation to a new independent way of life. This is the stage of self-rehabilitation, recovery. A person learns to enjoy life again, opens up to the world and prepares to let new, new relationships into his life.

    THRESHOLD OF LOVE

    
    

    During the training, you will better understand your relationship, the reasons that led you to divorce, realize that this person gave you good things. You can take the resources who gave you these relationship, all the best that was in them, into your future, into your next relationship. After all, after parting to remain a wounded bird with burned wings, but you can, survived a breakup, leave the past behind and

When a young couple leaves the registry office hand in hand, they believe that everything has been decided, and nothing will overshadow their life. Unfortunately, more than 50% of couples return to this institution, but for a different reason. It does not matter on whose initiative people decide to take such a difficult step, it is important that they experience during this period.

Scientists have repeatedly proven that men and women do not find a common language just because they have a different perception of what is happening, different thinking, logic and globalization. In short, they are completely different. But life would be uninteresting if everyone thought the same way. Predictability makes relationships lean.

Unlike women, the average man tries to hide his emotions, most often he does not like to discuss personal problems even in a male company, therefore, few people know what happens to him during the divorce process and after it.

How do men survive divorce and do they do it at all

But the stronger sex, in essence, vulnerable people and even the slightest trouble for them can seem like a tragedy. Although sometimes girls wonder if men are going through a divorce at all. Resentment, sadness and even pain are hidden behind a calm appearance. But, before talking about their experiences, it is worth dwelling on the psychological portrait of each. The psyche of men can be divided into four main types (system):

• animal structure relies on instincts and reflexes;
• the system of biorobots adheres to its habits and automatism;
• the demonic order of men listens to their minds;
• the psyche of the human system trusts intuition.

All men's experiences depend on what kind of psyche dominates in them. The most difficult thing is for men with an animal type of psyche, since it is difficult for them to resist bed aggression. The fear of losing the habitual life overshadows the mind, and if a divorce is inevitable, then he cannot do without the help of a psychologist. Otherwise, a sloping line awaits him or worse.

The system of biorobots mindlessly follows the stereotypes, habits and traditions accepted in society. The collapse of marriage for them is practically the end of the world, but they can be controlled bypassing consciousness with the help of support from comrades or weighty arguments from their beloved mother. There are none - TV to help him.

For a man with a dominant demonic system in the foreground, personal or planned calculations, therefore, in divorce proceedings they will definitely find their interest, such an event for demons costs little blood. And if there is still no replacement for his wife, then in the near future he will fill this gap.

The human form of the structure of the psyche is quite rare. Men of this type will be ready for it long before the divorce. Not only that, they will manage to prepare a wife as well. Intuitive insights and soul clues allow a man to make decisions and draw conclusions without anyone's help.

How to survive a divorce from your wife?

Despite the attempts of new-fangled psychology to assert that it is time to break stereotypes, a man can do fine without a wife, and vice versa, human nature does not tolerate loneliness. And no matter how a man claims that he feels great after a divorce, he is tormented by thoughts of family ties. Each man experiences a divorce in his own way, but he did not bring benefits to anyone. Indelible spiritual scars remain, even if a temporary replacement has been found.

It's a paradox, but in most cases, the initiator of a divorce is a man, and a woman is behind the scenes. And they are accused of breaking up more often than women: “I couldn’t save the hearth, I didn’t care properly, I wasn’t smart enough ...”. Emotionally, women lead men through life, but how skillfully, divorce statistics say.

Surviving a divorce, as it turned out, is not easy for a man, but if there is no way back, then you need to learn how to live with it!

Communication

Try not to isolate yourself, chat with friends, attend events. Loneliness is not The best way experiences. Thoughts constantly fill the brain, self-flagellation begins, the search for reasons, and as a result, a showdown or a nervous breakdown. Don't bother, yesterday is gone and tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. Make yourself a gift to yourself and your friends - go on a trip.

Job

Men know how to fill their free time with work, a business trip can become a distraction. Productivity increases when you put all your emotional frustration into work moments. Stay at work overtime, try to give all your best so that at home you don’t have the strength to think about anything. In addition to the fact that a promotion is possible, such a pace of life is completely distracting.

Support

True friends won't let their friend go through a divorce alone. With them you can watch football and go fishing. And on those days when friends cannot pay attention, parents or close relatives will always come to the rescue.

Remember! Divorce is not the end, but a new round of life, and what it will be depends only on you.

How to help a man get over a divorce

Whatever the stronger sex, but among his brother there are personalities who are extremely hard going through a divorce, fill grief with a green snake, indulge in all serious, and even try to say goodbye to life. Such people need the help of a psychologist, or strong support from relatives and friends. But, keeping company in the absorption of alcohol is not a way out. You need to help a person learn to live a different life. For this, some nuances should be taken into account:

1. As a rule, after a divorce, family friends are divided into two camps. Some support the husband, others support the wife. So that the conflict does not escalate, it is advisable to deal correctly with friends of the opposite camp. Try not to heat up the situation by pouring mud ex-wife. The best option would be to establish friendly relations between the former spouses and her friends for further civilized communication.
2. It is undesirable to look for a new partner immediately after a divorce, since in the heat of the moment you can once again become a victim, or ruin the life of an innocent woman. It is unlikely that all steps are considered on emotions. Time heals, life makes its own adjustments, it is important not to rush and take what is happening as a lesson for future relationships. Friends are needed in order to patiently listen to all the complaints of the offended spouse, but not to allow manipulations on his part, not to regret, but to try to find a compromise through joint efforts.
3. Alcohol helps to forget for a while, but sobering up aggravates and exacerbates the pain, which again has to be washed down with alcohol. Accordingly, in addition to serious health problems and aggravation of the situation, alcohol will not bring. Close people should fill the void with a change of scenery or emotional conversations.
4. Anger, resentment and hatred can become bad helpers. If the divorce took place, then clarifying the relationship in a raised tone will not be able to improve relations, reduce pain, or improve mood. Bouts of negativity can be extinguished by physical labor.

How to survive a divorce for a man if he has a child

The verdict has already been passed, everything has been decided, the couple broke up. Nerves, tears, resentment - everything is insignificant in comparison with the experiences of children. They find it hard to understand why their family collapsed. But this is a separate conversation, but what should a husband who loves his child do? The cunning of women is incomprehensible, and manipulation and blackmail by children are their main weapons. The man has no choice but to go on about, so as not to lose contact with the child.

So here are some practical tips:

If the wife does not allow her husband to see the child, then scandals will not help. This is where a smart tactic is needed. First of all, she needs to give time to cool. Friends or relatives can come to the rescue, who will convince the wife of the need for communication between the father and the child. A sane woman will not deprive a child of a loving father. Well, if everything is more difficult, then it is better to rely on time. Children grow up, and good, warm memories of their father are deposited in their memory. And sooner or later the child himself will find a way to communicate with his father.

How long do men go through a divorce, and is this process difficult for a man?

As mentioned above, men are divided into several types of psychological structure. Each system experiences tragedy differently. Some men can endlessly marry and divorce without suffering much discomfort during divorces. Other men suffer until a comforter is found. And some are much less fortunate, and they can carry their experiences through the rest of their lives.

There are frequent cases of suicide or slow self-flagellation to the point of losing one's mind, and there are also many cases of sudden movement into the abyss of alcohol or drugs. For men of this type, one cannot do without the help of a psychologist.

Pain, both physical and mental, takes time, and no one can determine how much it will take. Much depends on the nature of the man, and on his employment, and on the circumstances associated with the divorce. Therefore, an individual approach is very important.

Self-esteem, a sense of ownership, male pride are hurt, self-esteem is reduced - these are important aspects for a man. Even the most imperturbable and cold-blooded man will not be able to remain indifferent in such a situation. But everyone should understand that it is possible to survive a divorce, this is not a disaster.

Practical advice from our psychologist Natalia Goryunova.

1. Undoubtedly, it will be easier for a man to survive a divorce if all his free time is filled. Work, hobbies, friends, relatives will help to cope with the current situation. Especially a favorite job.

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