Annotation

A marriage does not automatically become happy because both spouses are Christians and “love each other.” Carefully reading this book and completing practical tasks will help you step on the path to family happiness. The first part is intended for people who want to get married and are looking for a suitable partner, the second is dedicated to improving relationships in marriage.

Translation: O. Rybakova

Gary Chapman

Expressions of gratitude

Gary Chapman

The path to a happy marriage. How to create the family you dreamed of

Dedicated to Caroline

Expressions of gratitude

We extend our heartfelt thanks to all those who contributed in various ways to the preparation of this book. The author is especially indebted to the hundreds of college students and many married couples who asked him questions and thanked him for his advice, encouraging him to write this work. Many of the ideas presented here were previously discussed in private meetings and small group meetings, and many practical suggestions were made, much of which served as material for this book.

I thank Mrs. Melinda Powell and my wife, Caroline, who read the manuscript and made many valuable comments. Miss Ellie Scheu provided invaluable assistance in editing and typing the manuscript. Miss Karen Dresser also assisted in the publication and technical preparation of the book. Special thanks to Mrs. Doris Manuel, who offered her professional assistance free of charge and whose contribution to the preparation of the material for publication exceeded all expectations. I really appreciate the help of all my loving staff.

Introduction

She stayed married for six months. Like many vi/other young believers, she viewed marriage as “heaven on earth.” This will be the happiest family in the world!- she thought. “I am a Christian, he is a Christian, we love each other,” she reasoned. What else could she dream of? What else is needed? The bells were ringing! Chills ran down her spine when he touched her. It was amazing!

“Consultations? Why do we need them? This is for those who have problems. We have no problems, we love each other!” How about reading a book about marriage or taking a class on Bible principles? family life? “We don’t have time, we just want to get married. We will read books in retirement. And now we will just live happily!”

This is how she felt about the situation just six months ago. But now everything had changed, and she sat in my office and cried: “I can’t stand him,” she said. - He is so selfish! He never thinks about me. He wants me to do everything the way he likes. He's never home. I'm so unhappy! How could she fall from the top of Everest into the depths of Gehenna in 180 days?

This book is for those who are wise enough to understand that a marriage does not automatically become happy because both spouses are Christians and “love each other.” The rate of separation and divorce among Christians continues to rise, and thousands of other Christian couples, although still living together, are not enjoying the “abundant life” that Jesus promised.

The problems of Christian families cannot be blamed solely on newlyweds. Very often couples are ready to ask for advice, but churches cannot help them. The advice we give to young people in our sermons is typically that they should not marry unbelievers (2 Cor. 6:14) or have sex before marriage (1 Cor. 6:18). Although both of these instructions are biblical, they are both prohibitions. Compliance with them does not guarantee happiness in marriage. In the Bible, in addition to prohibitions, there are many positive instructions, but we are in no hurry to inform young people about these positive principles of relationships between a man and a woman.

It is the hope of the author that the material presented here will arouse the interest of Christian couples who have already married or are about to marry in the tremendous help that the Bible can provide them. This book is by no means a comprehensive answer to the question. The author also refers to other excellent sources. However, we believe that reading this book will be enough for a couple to step on the path to marital happiness. It should be noted that, as in all situations where the problem is related to life, intellectual research alone is not enough. The practical application of truth is useful. Therefore, at the end of each chapter there are practical tasks that are extremely important.

The book is divided into two parts: the first is devoted to preparing for marriage, the second is devoted to improving relationships in marriage. The first part, as you already understand, is intended for people who are looking for a suitable partner. The second part is addressed to spouses who have already said “yes” to each other and are now trying to keep their promise. Engaged couples should read the entire contents of the book before getting married, and then review the section for married couples during the first six months of marriage. Couples who have been married for a long time will find that the second section can stimulate improvement in their own family relationships, and the first will help them advise those who are still single.

Part one Preparing for marriage

1. The meaning of dating and related problems

I have met many religious college students who have given up dating. They found that the activity comes with many mental traumas, physical complications, misunderstandings and anxiety that combine to make dating "unpleasant."

“Why should I date someone? I’ll wait for God to bring my betrothed to me, and I won’t get involved with all these problems,” they reason. Are the young people who came to this conclusion right? Maybe not dating is the most biblical decision?

Some people find the idea of ​​not dating anyone unnatural, while others find it an acceptable alternative. What factors should be considered when making such a choice?

First, let me remind you that not all over the world people go on dates. In many societies, both developed and undeveloped, the very idea of ​​a series of meetings between a girl and a young man for any purpose is considered taboo. And in these societies there are many stable marriages. Therefore, dating cannot be considered an integral part of the marriage process.

But we have to be realistic about the issue and understand that dating is a very important part of our culture. In fact, some call dating a favorite custom of modern youth. Just because this system has its flaws does not mean that the process itself is evil. On the contrary, it can be considered one of the healthiest social systems of our entire society.

The meaning of dating

What is the purpose of dating? Many young people fail at this game because they are unclear about its objectives. If you ask a group of students, “Why do you date?” – the answers will be different, from “to have a good time” to “to meet your soul mate.” In general, we know that it ultimately leads to marriage, but we are unclear about other specific dating goals. Let me list a few of them and invite you to add to the list by thinking about your own personal challenges.

One of the purposes of dating is to get to know members of the opposite sex better and learn how to communicate with them. Members of the opposite sex make up half the world. If I don’t know how to build a full-fledged relationship with this “other half,” I significantly narrow the horizons of communication.

Gary Chapman

The path to a happy marriage. How to create the family you dreamed of

Dedicated to Caroline

Expressions of gratitude

We extend our heartfelt thanks to all those who contributed in various ways to the preparation of this book. The author is especially indebted to the hundreds of college students and many married couples who asked him questions and thanked him for his advice, encouraging him to write this work. Many of the ideas presented here were previously discussed in private meetings and small group meetings, and many practical suggestions were made, much of which served as material for this book.

I thank Mrs. Melinda Powell and my wife, Caroline, who read the manuscript and made many valuable comments. Miss Ellie Scheu provided invaluable assistance in editing and typing the manuscript. Miss Karen Dresser also assisted in the publication and technical preparation of the book. Special thanks to Mrs. Doris Manuel, who offered her professional assistance free of charge and whose contribution to the preparation of the material for publication exceeded all expectations. I really appreciate the help of all my loving staff.

Introduction

She stayed married for six months. Like many vi/other young believers, she viewed marriage as “heaven on earth.” This will be the happiest family in the world!- she thought. “I am a Christian, he is a Christian, we love each other,” she reasoned. What else could she dream of? What else is needed? The bells were ringing! Chills ran down her spine when he touched her. It was amazing!

“Consultations? Why do we need them? This is for those who have problems. We have no problems, we love each other!” How about reading a book about marriage or taking a class on biblical principles for family life? “We don’t have time, we just want to get married. We will read books in retirement. And now we will just live happily!”

This is how she felt about the situation just six months ago. But now everything had changed, and she sat in my office and cried: “I can’t stand him,” she said. - He is so selfish! He never thinks about me. He wants me to do everything the way he likes. He's never home. I'm so unhappy! How could she fall from the top of Everest into the depths of Gehenna in 180 days?

This book is for those who are wise enough to understand that a marriage does not automatically become happy because both spouses are Christians and “love each other.” The rate of separation and divorce among Christians continues to rise, and thousands of other Christian couples, although still living together, are not enjoying the “abundant life” that Jesus promised.

The problems of Christian families cannot be blamed solely on newlyweds. Very often couples are ready to ask for advice, but churches cannot help them. The advice we give to young people in our sermons is typically that they should not marry unbelievers (2 Cor. 6:14) or have sex before marriage (1 Cor. 6:18). Although both of these instructions are biblical, they are both prohibitions. Compliance with them does not guarantee happiness in marriage. In the Bible, in addition to prohibitions, there are many positive instructions, but we are in no hurry to inform young people about these positive principles of relationships between a man and a woman.

It is the hope of the author that the material presented here will arouse the interest of Christian couples who have already married or are about to marry in the tremendous help that the Bible can provide them. This book is by no means a comprehensive answer to the question. The author also refers to other excellent sources. However, we believe that reading this book will be enough for a couple to step on the path to marital happiness. It should be noted that, as in all situations where the problem is related to life, intellectual research alone is not enough. The practical application of truth is useful. Therefore, at the end of each chapter there are practical tasks that are extremely important.

The book is divided into two parts: the first is devoted to preparing for marriage, the second is devoted to improving relationships in marriage. The first part, as you already understand, is intended for people who are looking for a suitable partner. The second part is addressed to spouses who have already said “yes” to each other and are now trying to keep their promise. Engaged couples should read the entire contents of the book before getting married, and then review the section for married couples during the first six months of marriage. Couples who have been married for a long time will find that the second section can stimulate improvement in their own family relationships, and the first will help them advise those who are still single.

Gary Chapman

The path to a happy marriage. How to create the family you dreamed of

Dedicated to Caroline

Expressions of gratitude

We extend our heartfelt thanks to all those who contributed in various ways to the preparation of this book. The author is especially indebted to the hundreds of college students and many married couples who asked him questions and thanked him for his advice, encouraging him to write this work. Many of the ideas presented here were previously discussed in private meetings and small group meetings, and many practical suggestions were made, much of which served as material for this book.

I thank Mrs. Melinda Powell and my wife, Caroline, who read the manuscript and made many valuable comments. Miss Ellie Scheu provided invaluable assistance in editing and typing the manuscript. Miss Karen Dresser also assisted in the publication and technical preparation of the book. Special thanks to Mrs. Doris Manuel, who offered her professional assistance free of charge and whose contribution to the preparation of the material for publication exceeded all expectations. I really appreciate the help of all my loving staff.

Introduction

She stayed married for six months. Like many vi/other young believers, she viewed marriage as “heaven on earth.” This will be the happiest family in the world!- she thought. “I am a Christian, he is a Christian, we love each other,” she reasoned. What else could she dream of? What else is needed? The bells were ringing! Chills ran down her spine when he touched her. It was amazing!

“Consultations? Why do we need them? This is for those who have problems. We have no problems, we love each other!” How about reading a book about marriage or taking a class on biblical principles for family life? “We don’t have time, we just want to get married. We will read books in retirement. And now we will just live happily!”

This is how she felt about the situation just six months ago. But now everything had changed, and she sat in my office and cried: “I can’t stand him,” she said. - He is so selfish! He never thinks about me. He wants me to do everything the way he likes. He's never home. I'm so unhappy! How could she fall from the top of Everest into the depths of Gehenna in 180 days?

This book is for those who are wise enough to understand that a marriage does not automatically become happy because both spouses are Christians and “love each other.” The rate of separation and divorce among Christians continues to rise, and thousands of other Christian couples, although still living together, are not enjoying the “abundant life” that Jesus promised.

The problems of Christian families cannot be blamed solely on newlyweds. Very often couples are ready to ask for advice, but churches cannot help them. The advice we give to young people in our sermons is typically that they should not marry unbelievers (2 Cor. 6:14) or have sex before marriage (1 Cor. 6:18). Although both of these instructions are biblical, they are both prohibitions. Compliance with them does not guarantee happiness in marriage. In the Bible, in addition to prohibitions, there are many positive instructions, but we are in no hurry to inform young people about these positive principles of relationships between a man and a woman.

It is the hope of the author that the material presented here will arouse the interest of Christian couples who have already married or are about to marry in the tremendous help that the Bible can provide them. This book is by no means a comprehensive answer to the question. The author also refers to other excellent sources. However, we believe that reading this book will be enough for a couple to step on the path to marital happiness. It should be noted that, as in all situations where the problem is related to life, intellectual research alone is not enough. The practical application of truth is useful. Therefore, at the end of each chapter there are practical tasks that are extremely important.

The book is divided into two parts: the first is devoted to preparing for marriage, the second is devoted to improving relationships in marriage. The first part, as you already understand, is intended for people who are looking for a suitable partner. The second part is addressed to spouses who have already said “yes” to each other and are now trying to keep their promise. Engaged couples should read the entire contents of the book before getting married, and then review the section for married couples during the first six months of marriage. Couples who have been married for a long time will find that the second section can stimulate improvement in their own family relationships, and the first will help them advise those who are still single.

Part one Preparing for marriage

1. The meaning of dating and related problems

I have met many religious college students who have given up dating. They found that the activity comes with many mental traumas, physical complications, misunderstandings and anxiety that combine to make dating "unpleasant."

“Why should I date someone? I’ll wait for God to bring my betrothed to me, and I won’t get involved with all these problems,” they reason. Are the young people who came to this conclusion right? Maybe not dating is the most biblical decision?

Some people find the idea of ​​not dating anyone unnatural, while others find it an acceptable alternative. What factors should be considered when making such a choice?

First, let me remind you that not all over the world people go on dates. In many societies, both developed and undeveloped, the very idea of ​​a series of meetings between a girl and a young man for any purpose is considered taboo. And in these societies there are many stable marriages. Therefore, dating cannot be considered an integral part of the marriage process.

But we have to be realistic about the issue and understand that dating is a very important part of our culture. In fact, some call dating a favorite custom of modern youth. Just because this system has its flaws does not mean that the process itself is evil. On the contrary, it can be considered one of the healthiest social systems of our entire society.

The meaning of dating

What is the purpose of dating? Many young people fail at this game because they are unclear about its objectives. If you ask a group of students, “Why do you date?” – the answers will be different, from “to have a good time” to “to meet your soul mate.” In general, we know that it ultimately leads to marriage, but we are unclear about other specific dating goals. Let me list a few of them and invite you to add to the list by thinking about your own personal challenges.

One of the purposes of dating is to get to know members of the opposite sex better and learn how to communicate with them. Members of the opposite sex make up half the world. If I don’t know how to build a full-fledged relationship with this “other half,” I significantly narrow the horizons of communication.

God created us male and female, and He wants us to relate to each other as fellow creatures created in His image. There are many differences between us, but our basic needs are the same. If we want to serve people, which is the highest calling in life, then we must know both men and women well. Relationships cannot be built without some type of social interaction. Dating helps create that interaction.

Several years ago, an acquaintance of mine told about what happened to him while he was doing military service on the French Riviera. Every day he looked from the window of his apartment at representatives of the female half of God's creation, dressed almost like Eve before the Fall. His mind was full of lustful fantasies. This was repeated day after day. The battle against lust became more and more desperate, and finally the young man asked a Christian brother for advice.

– What should I do with these terrible desires? I can not go on! – he admitted.

A friend gave a very wise and unexpected advice:

- Go to the beach and talk to one of these girls.

My friend resisted at first, thinking that it would not be Christian, but his friend insisted, and he still agreed. To his amazement, he discovered that the lust did not increase, but weakened. After talking with these women, he saw that they were people, not things; people with unique personalities, histories, and dreams; people with whom he could communicate and discuss ideas and who, in turn, treated him as an individual.

When he sat in his room and looked at them through the window, he saw only sexual objects. As he approached, he discovered that they were individuals. That's one of the goals of dating.

Dedicated to Caroline

This book was first published
in the United States by Moody Publishers, 820 N.
LaSalle Blvd., Chicago, IL 60610 with the title
Dr. Gary Chapman
on the Marriage You've Always Wanted,
copyright © 2005 by Gary D. Chapman.

3rd edition
Translator O.A. Rybakova

Expressions of gratitude

We extend our heartfelt thanks to all those who contributed in various ways to the preparation of this book. The author is especially indebted to the hundreds of college students and many married couples who asked him questions and thanked him for his advice, encouraging him to write this work. Many of the ideas presented here were previously discussed in private meetings and small group meetings, and many practical suggestions were made, much of which served as material for this book.
I thank Mrs. Melinda Powell and my wife, Caroline, who read the manuscript and made many valuable comments. Miss Ellie Scheu provided invaluable assistance in editing and typing the manuscript. Miss Karen Dresser also assisted in the publication and technical preparation of the book. Special thanks to Mrs. Doris Manuel, who offered her professional assistance free of charge and whose contribution to the preparation of the material for publication exceeded all expectations. I really appreciate the help of all my loving staff.

Introduction

She stayed married for six months. Like many vi/other young believers, she viewed marriage as “heaven on earth.” This will be the happiest family in the world!- she thought. “I am a Christian, he is a Christian, we love each other,” she reasoned. What else could she dream of? What else is needed? The bells were ringing! Chills ran down her spine when he touched her. It was amazing!
“Consultations? Why do we need them? This is for those who have problems. We have no problems, we love each other!” How about reading a book about marriage or taking a class on biblical principles for family life? “We don’t have time, we just want to get married. We will read books in retirement. And now we will just live happily!”
This is how she felt about the situation just six months ago. But now everything had changed, and she sat in my office and cried: “I can’t stand him,” she said. - He is so selfish! He never thinks about me. He wants me to do everything the way he likes. He's never home. I'm so unhappy! How could she fall from the top of Everest into the depths of Gehenna in 180 days?
This book is for those who are wise enough to understand that a marriage does not automatically become happy because both spouses are Christians and “love each other.” The rate of separation and divorce among Christians continues to rise, and thousands of other Christian couples, although still living together, are not enjoying the “abundant life” that Jesus promised.
The problems of Christian families cannot be blamed solely on newlyweds. Very often couples are ready to ask for advice, but churches cannot help them. The advice we give to young people in our sermons is typically that they should not marry unbelievers (2 Cor. 6:14) or have sex before marriage (1 Cor. 6:18). Although both of these instructions are biblical, they are both prohibitions. Compliance with them does not guarantee happiness in marriage. In the Bible, in addition to prohibitions, there are many positive instructions, but we are in no hurry to inform young people about these positive principles of relationships between a man and a woman.
It is the hope of the author that the material presented here will arouse the interest of Christian couples who have already married or are about to marry in the tremendous help that the Bible can provide them. This book is by no means a comprehensive answer to the question. The author also refers to other excellent sources. However, we believe that reading this book will be enough for a couple to step on the path to marital happiness. It should be noted that, as in all situations where the problem is related to life, intellectual research alone is not enough. The practical application of truth is useful. Therefore, at the end of each chapter there are practical tasks that are extremely important.
The book is divided into two parts: the first is devoted to preparing for marriage, the second is devoted to improving relationships in marriage. The first part, as you already understand, is intended for people who are looking for a suitable partner. The second part is addressed to spouses who have already said “yes” to each other and are now trying to keep their promise. Engaged couples should read the entire contents of the book before getting married, and then review the section for married couples during the first six months of marriage. Couples who have been married for a long time will find that the second section can stimulate improvement in their own family relationships, and the first will help them advise those who are still single.

Part one
Preparing for marriage

1. The meaning of dating and related problems

I have met many religious college students who have given up dating. They found that the activity comes with many mental traumas, physical complications, misunderstandings and anxiety that combine to make dating "unpleasant."
“Why should I date someone? I’ll wait for God to bring my betrothed to me, and I won’t get involved with all these problems,” they reason. Are the young people who came to this conclusion right? Maybe not dating is the most biblical decision?
Some people find the idea of ​​not dating anyone unnatural, while others find it an acceptable alternative. What factors should be considered when making such a choice?
First, let me remind you that not all over the world people go on dates. In many societies, both developed and undeveloped, the very idea of ​​a series of meetings between a girl and a young man for any purpose is considered taboo. And in these societies there are many stable marriages. Therefore, dating cannot be considered an integral part of the marriage process.
But we have to be realistic about the issue and understand that dating is a very important part of our culture. In fact, some call dating a favorite custom of modern youth. Just because this system has its flaws does not mean that the process itself is evil. On the contrary, it can be considered one of the healthiest social systems of our entire society.

The meaning of dating

What is the purpose of dating? Many young people fail at this game because they are unclear about its objectives. If you ask a group of students, “Why do you date?” – the answers will be different, from “to have a good time” to “to meet your soul mate.” In general, we know that it ultimately leads to marriage, but we are unclear about other specific dating goals. Let me list a few of them and invite you to add to the list by thinking about your own personal challenges.
One of the purposes of dating is to get to know members of the opposite sex better and learn how to communicate with them. Members of the opposite sex make up half the world. If I don’t know how to build a full-fledged relationship with this “other half,” I significantly narrow the horizons of communication.
God created us male and female, and He wants us to relate to each other as fellow creatures created in His image. There are many differences between us, but our basic needs are the same. If we want to serve people, which is the highest calling in life, then we must know both men and women well. Relationships cannot be built without some type of social interaction. Dating helps create that interaction.
Several years ago, an acquaintance of mine told about what happened to him while he was doing military service on the French Riviera. Every day he looked from the window of his apartment at representatives of the female half of God's creation, dressed almost like Eve before the Fall. His mind was full of lustful fantasies. This was repeated day after day. The battle against lust became more and more desperate, and finally the young man asked a Christian brother for advice.
– What should I do with these terrible desires? I can not go on! – he admitted.
A friend gave very wise and unexpected advice:
- Go to the beach and talk to one of these girls.
My friend resisted at first, thinking that it would not be Christian, but his friend insisted, and he still agreed. To his amazement, he discovered that the lust did not increase, but weakened. After talking with these women, he saw that they were people, not things; people with unique personalities, histories, and dreams; people with whom he could communicate and discuss ideas and who, in turn, treated him as an individual.
When he sat in his room and looked at them through the window, he saw only sexual objects. As he approached, he discovered that they were individuals. That's one of the goals of dating.
The second challenge is that dating helps us build our own character. We are all gradually developing. Someone suggested wearing a sign on your chest that said “Construction in progress.”
As we interact with other people on a date, we begin to notice how different aspects of our personality emerge. It promotes healthy self-reflection and better self-understanding. We begin to realize that some qualities are more desirable than others. Knowing your own weaknesses is the first step towards growth.
We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Nobody's perfect. Even mature people cannot be infallible. But the path of a Christian is the path to perfection. We are never satisfied with our current state. If we are too closed, we cannot minister effectively. If we are too talkative, we can alienate those we serve. Dating with the opposite sex helps us see ourselves from the outside and cooperate with the Holy Spirit in His plan for our growth.
Several years ago, an overly talkative young man told me, “I didn’t realize how insufferable I could be until I started dating Mary. She talks all the time and it drives me crazy." The light dawned and his eyes opened. He saw his own weakness in Mary and was mature enough to try to improve.
For him, this meant learning to talk less and listen better, which the Apostle James prescribed long ago: “Therefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (James 1:19). What we don't like in other people is often our own weakness. Dating helps us look at ourselves realistically.
The third purpose of dating is closely related to this. They give us the opportunity to serve other people. Here we must take our example from Christ. He said that He came not to be served, but to serve (Mark 10:45). If we follow His example, we must be of service. Serve people. We should not take a dominant position, but should try to be helpful. “Whoever wants to be great among you must be your servant; and whoever wants to be first among you must be your slave” (Matthew 20:26–27).
I don’t want to say that you should go on dates feeling like a martyr: “Oh, I’m miserable, that’s my duty as a Christian!” Service is not at all the same as martyrdom, because service is what we do for others, and martyrdom is what others do to us. Martyrdom is something we do not control. The service is under our control.
Dating should always be a two-way street for a Christian. Ask not only: “What will this relationship give me?”, but also: “What can I give to the person I am dating?” We are called to serve one another, and service is most effective when it comes to those closest to us. Sure, we can train groups, but where are the real needs met if not on the most personal level?
Again, the best example to follow is Christ. He ministered to many people by teaching and preaching, but He also ministered to individuals. While some might argue that Jesus' personal ministry primarily concerned the twelve disciples (who were of the same gender as Him), I would also remind you of the woman at the well in John 4 and Jesus' time with Mary and Martha in Bethany. Among those who prayed after the crucifixion were women, and they were the first to come to the open coffin. Jesus ministered to people, men and women, and so should we.
How much we can achieve in life if we look at dating as an opportunity to serve! A guy who is too reserved can start talking thanks to the wise advice of a sister in Christ. A chatterbox can be calmed by the truth spoken with love.
You see, taking service seriously changes the way we think about dating. We are so used to “presenting ourselves in the most favorable light” that we often hesitate to say things that could turn the other person against us. But true service requires us to speak the truth in love.
While we serve one another, we must not turn a blind eye to our neighbor's weaknesses. I know it's difficult, and I don't think this kind of behavior is normal in non-Christian dating. Most likely this is impossible. But I propose that we, as Christians called to ministry, carry out that ministry in our public lives. When we touch the needs and weaknesses of others in spiritual, intellectual, emotional, or social areas and encourage them to grow, we are truly serving.
Julie liked Tom immediately, the moment she saw him in English class. In his second year, during a biology class, he finally asked her to meet.
At the time, Tom was famous for conserving natural resources, especially water. He only washed on Saturdays. Everyone knew about this, but no one was going to “tell him the truth with love.” Oh yes, hints were made, for example, when the guys from the hostel gave him nineteen bars of soap for his nineteenth birthday. But hints rarely lead to constructive changes.
Julie wanted to help Tom and decided to go on a date with him, despite her roommate's comments suggesting she wear a gas mask to the date. On their first date, Julie very sincerely told Tom the truth and stated that washing every day is normal and does not harm the environment. She changed the sophomore's habits. We can help each other if we take the proper care.
Another purpose of dating is to help us develop a realistic idea of ​​the kind of person we want as a spouse. In the process of dating, we meet different people who have different qualities. During this process, evaluation criteria are developed that we use when choosing a partner.
A person whose dating experience is limited always suffers from the thought: What are the other women/men like? Maybe I would feel better with another person? Almost all couples ask themselves this question, especially if there are some problems in the marriage, but a person who led an active social life before marriage can better answer such a question. He is not inclined to go into the world of fantasy, because he knows from experience: all people are imperfect. We should grow with our spouses, not look for better ones.
Sometimes, of course, the purpose of dating is to find the spouse God intended for you. Some Christians believe that God is not involved in this, but from the biblical account we quote in the next chapter, it is clear that God is seriously concerned about you finding your betrothed.
Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.” Please note that this does not say that we should not use our reason, but only that we should not rely on it. That is, our decision should not be based only on human thoughts. We must trust in God. The task before us is too important. What could be more difficult than finding a person with whom we could live in harmony and peace for the next fifty years? There are so many options. Human intelligence is not enough here. Only God can make such an important choice. He wants to help us and asks us to acknowledge His lordship. When we commit this area of ​​our lives to His care and constantly seek His guidance, we trust Him to direct our thoughts and circumstances—in short, we allow Him to direct our steps.
Yes, we must use our minds in determining what God's will is for us. But our mind must be faithful to Him, and not act independently of Him. The purpose of the next two chapters is to provide you with biblical principles on which to accept God's instructions in this area. God has given us principles that we must follow to achieve our goal.

Beware, danger!

The kind of meaningful dating we're talking about comes with some dangers. Potholes on the road are marked with barriers and detour signs. But many people ignore these signs and end up in accidents. If we understand the nature of the danger, we can avoid it. The purpose of this section is to identify some of these dangers.
Perhaps the most common dating danger is letting the physical aspect come to the fore. This happens to too many Christian couples. They spend many hours on close physical contact, prelude to sexual contact. Since the final act is prohibited by Scripture, believing couples try not to get to it, and as a result, by the end of the date they feel extremely disappointed. When the physical side takes the main place in a relationship, the spiritual growth of the participants is inhibited.
Conscious young people often ask: “What physical manifestations of love are appropriate during dating?” Any specific answer to this question will only be an expression of personal opinion, but some general principles can be outlined. First, since we know full well that sexual relations outside of marriage are never in accordance with God's intentions, we must avoid any physical manifestations that bring us closer to such a relationship. Secondly, since the physical side of a relationship easily supersedes the spiritual, social, intellectual and emotional aspects, we must first strengthen these more important aspects before moving on to the physical manifestations of love.
How should we apply these principles? I believe that until both partners agree that they are interested in a long-term relationship, possibly leading to marriage, it is best to abstain from any physical displays of affection other than holding hands. The time for hugs and kisses comes when all other aspects of the relationship are in order and Christ is at the center of the relationship. How to avoid sexual intercourse? There are three simple rules: never undress, never put your hands under clothes, never lie down next to someone.
My point is that we can enter into relationships of service to each other that promote mutual creation and do not involve sexually motivated behavior. Natural actions that are not sexually motivated can be a normal part of a service relationship, such as a hug that expresses joy or genuine sympathy. But sexually motivated physical contact must wait until the relationship is more mature. Some will object to this assumption, but I think this principle is very helpful in viewing dating as a service.
Assuming you've followed these principles and are now dating someone you consider a potential spouse, what role does the physical side come to play in the relationship? I think that here we can move from small to large, depending on the degree of commitment to each other and the date of the wedding, but the sexual contact itself always occurs only after the wedding. The key word here is “balance.” We must not allow the physical to take precedence over the spiritual, social and intellectual.
The couple themselves should regularly evaluate their relationship. When young people notice that the physical aspect is becoming dominant, they should discuss the problem and decide in what way and by what means balance can be restored. They can radically change the nature of dating, spending less time alone, planning more meetings in groups and with other couples.
The couple can avoid this danger if they choose. We cannot blame our own sexual desire or circumstances for our own failure. We build our own destiny.
The second danger is a misconception about the desires of another. A quiet and uncommunicative guy is prone to jump to the wrong conclusion when a Christian girl expresses a desire to get to know him better. She may be thinking about ministry, but he is thinking about marriage.
“I want to help him,” she says, “but how can I do this without it hurting him?”
Most likely, this cannot be done painlessly! But being in pain is not the worst thing in the world. Growth often comes with pain. It is better to suffer and grow than to never suffer and never grow. God can motivate us to improve through heartache and suffering.
We should not refrain from serving members of the opposite sex just because we are afraid of hurting them. But we should not cause pain intentionally. Maybe, The best way The solution to this problem is to be transparent from the beginning. I don't mean that a girl should walk up to a guy and say, “I'm not interested in you romantically, but I want to help you. Shall we go get some ice cream tonight?”
But somehow we must communicate our true motives to each other. This is the surest way to avoid misunderstandings. We can't read each other's minds. Only in communication can we reveal our thoughts and intentions to others. Some people find it helpful to talk about “sibling relationships” and “friendships” rather than “dating.” If you can't shake the romantic associations associated with the word "date," perhaps it's best to call your get-togethers "hookups."
The third danger, most often arising from uncertainty, – there's a danger in reducing your dating experience to just one person. Most of the dating tasks we just discussed hardly happen when you're dating one person. In this way, we shorten the development process and reach the goal too quickly, depriving ourselves of very enriching life experiences.
I know there may be exceptions here, and I'm happy for those who are the exception. There are couples who dated only each other from a young age and formed a happy marriage. I'm not saying they should go back and "catch up." This is impossible and unnecessary.
What I mean is that if you are not already married and have been following this path, you will be doing yourself a big favor by expanding your sibling relationship. This can be done without arousing inappropriate jealousy on the part of the person you are currently dating, as long as you both understand the meaning of what is happening.
The fourth danger is being blinded by romantic fantasies. I often confuse green with brown, pink with beige and some other color combinations. This happens to many couples while dating. The romance of the situation blinds them and prevents them from seeing things in their true light. When we like someone, we tend to notice only them strengths. We don't pay attention to weaknesses. The truth is that we all have both strengths and weaknesses, both in personality and behavior.
Typically, in my counseling program for couples contemplating marriage, I ask the girl to list all the things she likes about her fiancé. Then I ask the young man to do the same. After thinking about it, they usually come up with impressive lists. Then I ask them to list the potential spouse's weaknesses—things they don't like or things they see as potential problems. If a couple cannot mention at least a few negative qualities about each other, I tell them they are not ready to start a family.
Mature relationships between people who are ready to marry are realistic enough to accept each other's weaknesses. There are no perfect spouses. We must not only understand this theoretically, but also realize it personally. Discussing our partner's weaknesses helps us see the situation as it is.
It can be very helpful for a couple to openly discuss the flaws they see in each other. Can anything be done about these weaknesses? With most of them, it is possible if a person is ready to change. If there is no change, what could be the problem after marriage? Realistic discussions of such issues should be part of the process of preparing for marriage.