Divorce or dissolution of marriage can be formalized in court or at the registry office.
The most detailed information on divorce. After reading this article, in 99% of cases you will be able to dissolve the marriage yourself, without the help of lawyers. Find out everything about divorce, in which cases you can dissolve a marriage at the registry office, and when you need to go to court, how a divorce works in a magistrate's court. The lawyer is ready to answer any questions about divorce. We provide divorce counseling free of charge.
Download forms of documents and sample applications, examples of court decisions on divorce. After studying the material presented, you yourself will become specialists in divorces and will even be able to give advice to your friends and acquaintances.
A formal divorce is the dissolution of a marriage between spouses. It is not enough just to go to different apartments, stop communicating and run a joint household. Divorce means that it happens in the prescribed manner, with the receipt of official documents confirming that the marriage is terminated.
Only those spouses who entered into it through the registry office can dissolve a marriage. The word divorce is not used in family law, it is colloquial. It is correct to speak, and even more so to write in official documents - divorce.
It is possible to terminate a marriage not only by its dissolution, the marriage is terminated in the event of the death of the spouse, and in some cases it is possible.
For dissolution of marriage, the desire of one of the spouses is sufficient. If the husband or wife wants to divorce, then the marriage will be terminated in any case. Nothing here depends on the desire of the other spouse, but he can delay the time of the official divorce.
An exception to this rule is the time of the wife's pregnancy and the period of one year from the time of the birth of a joint child. At this time, the husband does not have the right to apply to the court for divorce. He can do this only with the consent of his wife. Moreover, if the child was born dead or died after birth, the husband will still have to wait one year.
The marriage is terminated either through the registry office or in court. The choice of method of dissolution of marriage depends on the presence of children and the wishes of the spouses. When dissolving a marriage in court, after the decision comes into force, you still need to apply to the registry office for a certificate of divorce. The general rule for divorce is that it is drawn up no earlier than 1 month from the date of application.
Similarly, divorce occurs when one spouse, with mutual consent to divorce, is unable to come to the registry office. In this case, he draws up a notarized consent to divorce. If the spouse is in custody or is serving a sentence in places of deprivation of liberty, his application may be certified by the head of the institution.
Recently, you can apply for the termination of marriage through the multifunctional center of state and municipal services or through the single portal of public services.
Under certain circumstances, it is possible to dissolve a marriage through the registry office without ascertaining the opinion of the second spouse, at the request of one of them. These cases are strictly defined by the Family Code of the Russian Federation, we list them:
Registration of a divorce through the court will be required if there is no possibility and grounds for dissolution of marriage in the registry office. The divorce process will be longer, it will be necessary to file an application for divorce, collect additional documents, the judge may extend the trial to reconcile the husband and wife.
In court, a divorce occurs if there are common children under the age of 18, if one of the spouses objects to the dissolution of the marriage or if he evades from appearing in the registry office. During the consideration of claims for divorce in court, one can declare the determination of the place of residence and the procedure for raising children, the division of jointly acquired property, the recovery of alimony for children and the maintenance of a spouse, and other disputes arising from family relations. However, it is better to do this on your own.
According to the general rules, the requirements for divorce relate to, if there are additional requirements, the case may become subject to the jurisdiction of the district (city) court.
With regard to territorial jurisdiction, in the general case () claims for divorce are filed at the place of residence of the defendant. There are exceptions to this rule; if you have children or for health reasons, the plaintiff can file a lawsuit at his place of residence ().
Let us consider in more detail the procedure for the divorce of spouses through a magistrate, if only a demand for divorce is filed with the court. If there are other claims combined in one proceeding, the case may be considered at a later date and with a large number of court hearings.
After filing a claim with a magistrate or district court, you must wait for notification of the time and place of the trial. Typically, such a notice comes 10-14 days after the filing of the claim. If the notice has not been received, it is worth calling the court and finding out the reasons, it is possible to leave. As a rule, if everything is in order with the application, the court appoints such cases immediately for trial, 1 month after the application is received by the court.
You can come to the court session in person or ask to consider the case in your absence. The defendant may sue or file.
First of all, the court finds out whether the defendant agrees to the dissolution of the marriage. If there is consent, the marriage is dissolved without further clarification of the motives and grounds for divorce. If the defendant does not agree to the dissolution of the marriage, the judge finds out the reasons for going to court, the possibility of maintaining family relations, after which he gives a period for reconciliation. In this case, the court session is postponed for up to 3 months. At the next court session, if the plaintiff has not filed, the marriage is dissolved.
The court decision on divorce comes into force 1 month after its issuance. If filed, the decision will come into force after the consideration of the case by the court of appeal.
On the day when the court decision comes into force, the marriage will be considered dissolved. With a copy of the decision, you must contact the registry office, which will issue a certificate of divorce. A divorce certificate is a document confirming the dissolution of a marriage.
Thus, when a marriage is dissolved through a court, a divorce will be formalized no earlier than 2 months, and may be delayed for 5-6 months if there is resistance from the second spouse.
| A marriage can be dissolved through the court no earlier than 2 months |
The procedure for dissolution of marriage through the court in the presence of children does not differ from the usual. At the same time, in addition, the application for divorce can include demands for the recovery of alimony, for determining the place of residence of children and for participation in their upbringing. However, we recommend not to do this, it is much more practical and faster to resolve these issues separately.
Divorce through the court, even with children, is considered by the justice of the peace, he also considers the requirements for alimony. Family disputes involving children are considered only by the district court. Therefore, you can submit separate applications to different places. When filing a divorce through the court with children, the court can also give time for reconciliation by postponing the court session for 3 months, at which time the rest of the requirements will not be considered.
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1. Marriage is terminated as a result of death or as a result of a court declaring one of the spouses dead.
2. Marriage may be terminated by its dissolution at the request of one or both spouses, as well as at the request of the guardian of the spouse recognized by the court as legally incompetent.
The husband does not have the right, without the consent of his wife, to initiate proceedings for the dissolution of the marriage during the wife's pregnancy and within a year after the birth of the child.
The dissolution of a marriage is carried out in the civil registry offices, and in the cases provided for by Articles 21-23 of this Code, in a judicial proceeding.
1. With mutual consent to the dissolution of the marriage of spouses who do not have common minor children, the dissolution of the marriage is carried out in the civil registry offices.
2. Dissolution of marriage at the request of one of the spouses, regardless of whether the spouses have common minor children, is carried out in the civil registry offices, if the other spouse:
recognized by the court as missing;
recognized by the court as incompetent;
sentenced for committing a crime to imprisonment for a term of more than three years.
3. The dissolution of a marriage and the issuance of a certificate of dissolution of marriage are carried out by the civil registry office after a month has elapsed from the date of filing an application for divorce.
4. State registration of divorce is carried out by the civil registry office in the manner prescribed for state registration of civil status acts.
Disputes about the division of the common property of the spouses, the payment of funds for the maintenance of a needy disabled spouse, as well as disputes about children arising between spouses, one of whom is recognized by the court as incapable or sentenced for committing a crime to imprisonment for a term of more than three years (paragraph 2 of Article 19 of this of the Code), are considered in court, regardless of the dissolution of marriage in the civil registry offices.
1. Dissolution of a marriage shall be carried out in a judicial proceeding if the spouses have common minor children, except for the cases provided for in paragraph 2 of Article 19 of this Code, or in the absence of the consent of one of the spouses to the dissolution of the marriage.
2. Dissolution of marriage is also carried out in court in cases where one of the spouses, despite the absence of objections, evades the dissolution of marriage in the civil registry office (refuses to submit an application, does not want to appear for state registration of divorce, etc.) .
1. Dissolution of marriage in a judicial proceeding is carried out if the court establishes that further living together spouses and the preservation of the family are impossible.
2. When considering a case on divorce, in the absence of the consent of one of the spouses to dissolve the marriage, the court has the right to take measures to reconcile the spouses and has the right to postpone the proceedings, setting the spouses a period for reconciliation within three months.
The dissolution of the marriage is carried out if the measures for reconciliation of the spouses were unsuccessful and the spouses (one of them) insist on the dissolution of the marriage.
1. If there is mutual consent to the dissolution of the marriage of spouses with common minor children, as well as the spouses specified in paragraph 2 of Article 21 of this Code, the court dissolves the marriage without clarifying the motives for divorce. Spouses have the right to submit an agreement on children, provided for by paragraph 1 of Article 24 of this Code, for consideration by the court. In the absence of such an agreement, or if the agreement violates the interests of children, the court takes measures to protect their interests in the manner prescribed by paragraph 2 of Article 24 of this Code.
2. Dissolution of a marriage shall be effected by the court not earlier than a month has elapsed from the day the spouses filed an application for divorce.
1. When dissolving a marriage in court, spouses may submit to the court an agreement on which of them will live with minor children, on the procedure for paying funds for the maintenance of children and (or) a disabled needy spouse, on the amount of these funds or on the division of the general spouses' property.
2. If there is no agreement between the spouses on the issues specified in paragraph 1 of this article, and also if it is established that this agreement violates the interests of the children or one of the spouses, the court is obliged:
determine with which of the parents minor children will live after the divorce;
determine from which of the parents and in what amounts alimony is collected for their children;
at the request of the spouses (one of them) to divide the property that is in their joint ownership;
at the request of a spouse entitled to receive maintenance from the other spouse, to determine the amount of this maintenance.
3. If the division of property affects the interests of third parties, the court has the right to separate the claim for the division of property into a separate proceeding.
1. A marriage dissolved in the civil registry offices shall be terminated from the date of state registration of the dissolution of marriage in the register of civil status acts, and in case of divorce in court, from the day the court decision enters into legal force.
2. Divorce in court is subject to state registration in the manner established for state registration of acts of civil status.
The court is obliged, within three days from the date of entry into force of the court decision on divorce, to send an extract from this court decision to the civil registry office at the place of state registration of the marriage.
Spouses are not entitled to enter into a new marriage before receiving a certificate of divorce from the civil registry office at the place of residence of any of them.
1. In the event of the appearance of a spouse declared dead by the court or recognized by the court as missing, and the relevant court decisions are canceled, the marriage may be restored by the civil registry office upon a joint application of the spouses.
2. Marriage cannot be restored if the other spouse has entered into a new marriage.
I want to divorce my husband, he is against it. Which article to refer to? He cheated on me.
File an application for divorce in court according to our model. You need to refer to articles 21 and 23 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation.
Is it possible for a spouse to file an application for divorce at the registry office of the city of Moscow if the marriage was registered at the registry office of St. Petersburg? Registration of the spouse in St. Petersburg, registration of the spouse in the city of Moscow.
According to Article 32 of the Federal Law “On Civil Status Acts”, a spouse may file an application for divorce at the registry office at the place of residence of one of the spouses or at the place of state registration of marriage. In your case, this means that you can apply to the registry office at the place of residence of any of the spouses, including in Moscow. If there is mutual consent of the spouses to divorce and there are no joint minor children.
My husband filed for divorce. If I don't go to the courts, how long will they divorce us? I want to delay the divorce.
Usually, a court session in such cases is scheduled one month after the filing of the statement of claim. If you want to delay the divorce, you need to come to court and declare that the preservation of the family is still possible, ask for the maximum possible time for reconciliation. If you are convincing, the magistrate will give time for reconciliation to a maximum of 3 months. Justify your position with the desire to save the family. If you do not want to go to court, you can write a statement in which you state in writing a request for time for reconciliation.
How can I apply for a divorce if my husband is in another city and cannot be present in person?
The personal presence of the husband in court is not required. After filing a statement of claim, the court notifies the defendant of the time and place of the case, but his appearance is not required. He can write, if there is no such statement, the court will issue a decision in absentia on the case. Please note when you can apply statement of claim about divorce in their place of residence.
My husband and I lived for almost two years, we have a child 1.7 months. I want to get divorced. Registered in different cities. Where should I apply? And I don't know where he is now. What should I do?
You can file a lawsuit with the justice of the peace at your place of residence, indicate the last known address of your husband.
I want to divorce my husband, but we have a small child (2 months). Will I be able to do this without his consent or wait until the child grows up?
The law does not establish restrictions on the dissolution of marriage for women. The fact that you have a small child places a limit on divorce for your husband, but not for you.
My wife and I decided to get a divorce, in 2 weeks she will give birth. Is divorce even possible?
In your case, it is necessary to take into account Article 17 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation: A husband does not have the right, without the consent of his wife, to initiate a divorce case during his wife's pregnancy and within a year after the birth of a child.
Since the dissolution of the marriage will occur no earlier than a month after the filing of the application, you need to apply to the court with a statement of claim. Divorce is possible if the wife does not object, consents to it, or she herself submits this application.
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Recovery of alimony in court |
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Division of property upon divorce |
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Determination of the place of permanent residence of children upon divorce |
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How to deal with children after divorce |
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Divorce in court with disagreement of one of the parties |
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Divorce in court if there are minors in the family |
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Divorce through court with pregnant wife not giving divorce |
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Providing housing for minor children after a divorce in court |
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The inability to continue the marriage leads to its termination. Divorce in court is possible only on the grounds determined by the UK. The whole range of reasons why divorce is carried out within the framework of the justice procedure is the upbringing of minor children by a couple, the absence of mutual consent to divorce, or, despite such consent, certain obstacles to divorce are created by one of the spouses. In all these situations, a divorce is carried out through the courts. What documents are needed for a divorce through the court, which court to apply to, and what does the divorce procedure look like when going to court?
Any of the parties to family legal relations can prepare and submit for consideration a statement of claim for divorce and the recovery of alimony and other documents for divorce through the court. The judicial procedure for dissolution of marriage, divorce through the courts, is fully regulated by the Code of Civil Procedure of the Russian Federation. After all the necessary documentation has been prepared, all the procedures required by law have been carried out, the positions of the parties at court hearings have been heard, and the marriage is dissolved in court.
Upon the fact of the proceedings, the court's decision on divorce is proclaimed. Such a decision is the basis for the state registration of the fact by the registry office. That is, having received a document that a divorce has occurred through the court, you must come to the registry office at the place of residence, where a certificate of divorce will be issued.
The divorce that has taken place through the court is documented in the court decision. The judicial act, expressed in the decision, testifies to the dissolution of marriage and family relations.
The case review process is open. This means that any person interested in the issue can attend court sessions. Within its framework, the parties express their attitude, opinion regarding the possibility of divorce. The spouses have the opportunity to offer their arguments in favor of saving the marriage. In some cases, during the course of the trial, the parties decide not to pursue a divorce through the courts - to remain married.
You can determine how much a divorce costs by setting the amount required as payment of the state fee.
The decision to divorce through the court that has entered into force is issued to the parties if none of them has expressed a desire to challenge it. The date of divorce will be the day when the registry office registered the divorce and issued the appropriate certificate of divorce. Up to this point, the marriage is valid. And if the parties do not receive a certificate, then in the future they risk facing various legal problems, including the property plan. Therefore, it is worth bringing the process to its logical conclusion, and obtaining a certificate of divorce, which will be noted in the documents of the registry office.
In order to carry out the procedure related to the dissolution of a marriage, in the absence of circumstances that entail mandatory compliance with court proceedings, the parties have the right to submit to the registry office a statement of mutual intention to terminate the relationship between them. The procedure for dissolution of marriage in this case is simplified. The state duty, payment of which is confirmed by a receipt, is submitted along with the application.
Divorce in the registry office will take 1 month. This time is given to the parties for reconciliation. At the appointed time, at least one of the parties must appear at the authorized body for the official registration of the divorce.
A certificate of dissolution of marriage is issued to the present party or to both parties.
But if the spouses have joint children who have not reached the age of majority, as well as property that is subject to division, only a divorce through the court is possible. An application for divorce through the court with children is submitted directly to the judicial authorities. This is a mandatory procedure in this situation. It is also necessary to carefully study what documents are needed for a divorce through a court other than an application.
In addition to the fact that the court considers the issue of divorce, its duty is to determine a number of certain circumstances related to the continued existence of family members outside of marriage. Divorce through the court with children requires the need to determine the place of residence of minors with one of the parents. This also makes its own adjustments to the issue of what documents are needed for a divorce through the courts. You will need to provide birth certificates for children, documents about where they currently live, and so on. A competent family lawyer who specializes in divorce will help clarify all the nuances.
Both in this trial, when a divorce is carried out through the court, and in a separate one, the issue of paying alimony can be considered. To do this, the court filed an application for divorce through the court with children and the recovery of alimony. As a result, the court will make a decision on the basis of which a writ of execution for alimony payments will be issued if a divorce occurs through the court.
An application for divorce through the court with children and division of property can be sent to the court. Upon its consideration, the court determines the shares of each of the spouses in the list of joint property that was acquired (acquired) during the marriage. When a divorce is carried out through the court with the division of property, it is important to correctly determine the separate base - jointly acquired property, which is subject to division between the spouses. A qualified lawyer specializing in the topic of dividing the property of divorced spouses can help with this. The partition can take place voluntarily, without a trial. In this case, it is recommended to sign an appropriate agreement, which will clearly state which of the parties will own what in the future.
As a rule, the issue of division of property arises between the spouses for 3 years after the divorce has occurred through the court, and is considered in a separate proceeding.
The documents required for divorce through the court include several items. When a divorce occurs through the court, a claim is filed for divorce and division of property. Although it is an independent document, it requires an evidence base, which is presented in the form of applications, usually made in copies.
Divorce through a court order requires that the following documents be presented for divorce through the court:
The simplest cases that do not contain property claims are considered by the justice of the peace when a divorce occurs through the court.
A state fee is charged for the divorce procedure.
Almost all services provided by the state are reimbursable. Divorce in the judiciary, as well as divorce in the registry office, is no exception.
The state duty for dissolution of marriage in court is the payment of persons for the provision of public services. In fact, this is a fixed amount of funds paid to the budget.
The amount of payment is determined in the NLA of national importance. The amount of payment can be floating, depending on the price of the service (claim), as well as simple, defined in a solid, unchanged value (for issuing a document). You can find out what documents are needed for a divorce through the court, and what will be the amount of the state fee for divorce through the court, before the start of the trial.
The document is a confirmation of the state procedure for divorce. The certificate of divorce is executed on the state form, it contains the data of the persons who have become former spouses, the number, date of the act record. The document must contain the signature and seal of the registration authority.
The basis for issuing a document may be a court decision on divorce or a simplified procedure at the registry office. The certificate is issued to both spouses who have dissolved the marriage. If the divorce occurs through the registry office, then the marriage is dissolved in a simplified manner within one month.
Divorce in court is a longer procedure and usually lasts several months.
The chronology of the actions included in the procedure for dissolution of marriage is as follows:
Dissolution of a marriage is carried out by a world or district court (except for cases of divorce under a simplified procedure). If a divorce is carried out through a court, the powers of the justice of the peace include consideration of such cases in which the parties have not reached a common agreement on divorce and continue to argue.
As a rule, such a divorce through the court implies that the parties are given time for reconciliation, after which a decision is made. Thus, the world court considers only those divorce cases that are not related to the property rights of the spouses and the need to protect the rights of minor children.
According to the general judicial procedure, district courts hear cases of spouses having property disputes, as well as cases in which the parties have a minor child, whose rights must be taken into account in the event of a divorce of the parents. Then divorce is required in the district court, which requires compliance with certain procedures.
When a divorce is carried out through the court, the court has the right to refuse to accept a divorce claim in the presence of one or more of the circumstances determined by the Code of Civil Procedure. Such circumstances are typical not only for the divorce process, but also for other cases considered by the courts.
An application for divorce through the court with children may not be accepted if there are circumstances such as
Thus, considering these circumstances in the context of the divorce process, it should be noted that the court’s refusal is possible only if there is an already announced decision in a similar case or if a claim is filed by a person who is not entitled to file it (a representative without appropriate authority).
Judicial proceedings in cases of divorce are regulated by the Code of Civil Procedure.
From the moment the suit for divorce through the court is received by the judge, all documents for divorce through the court are submitted, and the fact of the opening of proceedings in the case is established (there are no grounds for leaving without motion), the judge appoints the case for hearing. In the course of the proceedings, it becomes clear that the parties must be granted conciliation time, which can be up to 3 months.
The court resolves all significant issues, including those of a property and non-property nature, after which it makes a decision. Such a decision may be appealed within one month to the court of appeal. The absence of an appeal allows the court decision to enter into force.
Depending on whether the couple has children under the age of majority, and property disputes related to the dissolution of the marriage, the jurisdiction of the dispute is determined.
The justice of the peace considers the relevant claims, in which there is only a dispute about the very fact of divorce, i.e. when one of the parties is against divorce and intends to save the marriage.
The procedural order of such proceedings is no different from the conduct of a trial, which is defined for district courts. It is enough to find out what documents are needed for a divorce through the court, and then write an appropriate application for filing for a divorce through the court. A professional family lawyer will help prepare the appropriate documents for divorce through the court in accordance with all the rules.
The procedure for dissolution of a marriage may take place according to a general or simplified procedure.
The simplified procedure involves such a dissolution of marriage, which is carried out according to mutual consent parties or in connection with the declaration of a spouse missing, dead, convicted of a crime with more than 3 years of imprisonment. It is carried out by the registry office on the basis of a mutual statement of the parties or a court decision establishing the above reasons.
The marriage is considered dissolved from the date of fixing the record of the act of civil status and obtaining the relevant certificate, or from the date the decision comes into force.
In Russia, marriage is concluded between a man and a woman only with their voluntary consent. There is no law that would oblige them to live together against their will. Therefore, spouses can divorce at any time. Even if one of them is against divorce, it will still happen sooner or later at the request of the second.
The divorce procedure is unilaterally regulated by the Family Code of the Russian Federation. Article 22 clearly states that a divorce will take place even if one of the spouses disagrees, if it is established that their further coexistence and the preservation of the family are impossible.
The court will take steps to reconcile the spouses, and will even be given time to finalize the decision. If, after this, at least one spouse refuses to save the marriage, it will be dissolved.
The statement of claim must necessarily contain a reasonable reason, due to which further life together is not possible:
Only the court has the right to issue a decision on divorce if one of the spouses is against the preservation of the marriage.
First you need to decide which court you go to. If, in addition to the dissolution of the marriage itself, you need to resolve questions about who the children will live with after the divorce, or about joint property worth more than 50,000 rubles, then you will need to write a statement of claim to the city or district court. If such questions do not concern you personally, then the application is submitted to the justice of the peace.
With regards to territoriality, as a general rule, a claim is filed with the court of the locality, region or district where the defendant is registered at the place of residence. But in accordance with paragraph 4 of Article 29 of the Civil Procedure Code of the Russian Federation, it can also be accepted at the place of residence of the plaintiff, if there are reasons for this: the presence of a minor child or the inability to come to this court due to poor health or for other reasons.
After accepting the application for divorce for proceedings, the judge will set a date for the consideration of the case and notify the time and place of the court session. It is usually appointed one month after the application is submitted.
note
If both spouses did not appear at the court session and did not inform about the reasons for the absence, the judge has the right to regard this as a reconciliation and terminate the proceedings.
The defendant (in our case, the husband) is able not to come to the court session, but this will not be a guarantee for him to save the family. If the judge does not consider that his absence from the divorce proceedings is due to valid reasons, he will be able to make a decision on divorce without his consent at the first meeting. But usually the meeting is postponed for a certain period, so that both spouses come to the meeting room and there is an opportunity to listen to the views of both sides.
In practice, if the judge sees even the slightest chance to save the family, and the spouse who disagrees with the divorce insists on cohabitation, the couple is given a period of reconciliation no more than three months. We will tell you more about the timing of divorce in.
But if it is not possible to reconcile the spouses, and at least one of them insists on a divorce, the judge decides to dissolve the marriage.
Some women, having puzzled over how to get a divorce without the consent of their spouse, go to the trick - they get divorced alone. Often, they are led to this thought by the fear of scandals, showdown, persuasion, intimidation, and even assault.
They deliberately keep silent about the fact that they filed for divorce, do everything possible so that court notices do not reach the addressee, regularly attend court hearings alone and eventually get a divorce.
Already the former spouse can only come to terms with this fact and start building a life anew. Although those who are especially stubborn and zealously want to save the family can also appeal against the court decision on the termination of the existence of the marriage union, annulling the fact of divorce.
But still, it is not advisable to deceive, but to try to resolve the issue peacefully.
The family legislation of the Russian Federation in article 19 provides for three exceptional reasons for which it is always possible to file a divorce if one of the spouses is against it. To do this, it is not necessary to write an application-claim to the court; you can easily get a divorce at the registry office.
It will be enough to draw up and take it to the registry office at the place of residence or registration of marriage.
Russian legislation (Article 17 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation) spells out two reasons when a husband cannot divorce unilaterally under any circumstances:
In the presence of such grounds, the court will not even accept a claim for divorce.
In this case, the wife will be able to get a divorce without the consent of the spouse in these cases. The Court views this step as a voluntary acceptance of responsibility.
Ask questions below in the comments and get an answer from a lawyer
Tatyana Sharanda
practical psychologist
family and marriage consultant
head of the psychological development center
The realization that you are being abandoned is hard for both women and men.
- It is very difficult to say that divorce is more difficult for someone, men or women. Firstly, it all depends on the situation, and secondly, on the personal qualities of each person.
Of course, if we talk about general statistics, women are more sensitive by nature, but still the main factor is who left whom. There is almost always someone who has been abandoned. It's usually harder for him. The person who leaves is stronger a priori. The psychological pressure on the abandoned person can be extremely strong. Sometimes men can't cope with such situations. And often they are looking for salvation in alcohol, gambling, and so on.
But it also happens that the decision is made mutually. The ending is not always tragic.
- Certainly. There are such couples, and I treat them with deep respect. Unfortunately, not everyone can agree. A good relationship between former spouses are rare. But people came to me who, despite the divorce, are still friends. And at the reception they were about problems with a common child.
For example, one baby showed psychological difficulties, and both parents were interested in holding him, helping him understand himself. This is a great example for others.
Get divorced, get married, get divorced again, get married again
- They say that if one of the spouses, in principle, had the idea of divorce, then there is no turning back. Sooner or later there will be a break.
- And here it is impossible to speak unambiguously. The situations are different. It depends on what roles each person performs within the family, which inner self dominates.
There are couples where both he and she are teenagers inside themselves, regardless of their real age. In this case, everything is unpredictable, because for them, relationships are more like a game. In words, spouses get divorced almost every day. Gradually, even those around them get used to their scandals. There are times when people really get divorced. Then they marry again. Then they get divorced again and ... get married (laughs). This is their personal way of growing up. Often in such marriages, the child takes on the role of an adult. Paradoxically, but true! He is the most responsible and wise in the house. He had to become like this in order to at least survive.
A marriage where one of the partners plays the role of a parent can last quite a long time, as a mature person understands a lot, is not afraid to take responsibility and knows how to give in.
There are unions where the husband and wife are both independent individuals, both adults. In this case, the reason for divorce is usually very serious, for example, the mismatch of the sexual constitution. When one of the partners is hyperactive, and the second is much less interested in the intimate side of life. Or someone has not just a fleeting relationship on the side, but a strong affection, which gradually develops into true love, and being together is simply unbearable.
Society no longer condemns the wife who left the family
- Based on your experience, who is more likely to initiate a divorce?
- You will probably be surprised: today it is more and more often women! They can provide for themselves financially, their parents help them, they have ambitions, personal goals, society no longer blames the wife who left the family, this has ceased to be a shame. Sometimes it is almost impossible to reach the modern Amazon. If she decides something for herself, it is difficult to stop her.
- Inner freedom is good. But is the decision to burn bridges always the right one?
- I'm probably a very conservative psychologist. Today independence and strength are promoted. However, it seems to me that you need to try to save the family to the last. Don't jump to conclusions. After all, you can regret it very much later, and it’s not always possible to return everything back.
A lot of people come to me, and with full confidence I can say that children suffer the most from the separation of their parents. These are psychological problems that accompany later in adulthood, and various diseases caused by severe nervous stress. And in adolescence and suicidal thoughts may arise. And these are not unfounded statements, but real situations that I, as a specialist, had to deal with. The psyche of children is quite flexible, but boys and girls aged 13-17 are extremely sensitive.
For 47 years, a man carried in himself a tormenting feeling of abandonment
Is it worth keeping a marriage solely for the sake of children?
- If this is not possible, I always ask parents to at least try to maintain warm relations with each other. For children, this is important. Do not swear, do not find out in front of them who is right and who is wrong, try to come to some kind of compromise, because, as I said, the divorce situation hurts boys and girls a lot. If you do not pay attention to this in time, the pain will torment a person all his life.
Just recently I was talking to a woman who is already 47 years old. Her dad left the family when she was little. That's how the situation happened. She did not see her father. Decided on it just now. I found out the address and visited my parent, who had long ago moved to Moscow. The meeting was very warm. The father was glad of the arrival of his daughter, he showed her the capital, told about his fate. The woman admitted that only now she realized: all her life she felt inferior. And only now it became easier for her. For almost 47 years, a person carried within himself a tormenting feeling of abandonment.
- Have there been cases in your practice when people regretted that they got divorced?
- I ask about this, and usually people who are well over 35 give a positive answer to this question.
- What is the main reason?
- The connection on the side that the partner could not forgive, even if it was actually something not serious at all.
I only know three good reason for divorce
- How to understand that a divorce is really necessary, because there are such situations?
To better understand, let me tell you a little story. Even under the Soviet Union, in one very serious magazine, I read a letter from a woman. It was a kind of message to all people. She wrote about her life. The narrator had a wonderful family: a good husband and two children, peace and harmony. But the woman began to notice that her husband began to move away - he devoted all his free time only to babies. At some point, the wife began to ask questions. The husband honestly answered that she was very dear to him and he respected her immensely, but ... only as the mother of their children, it turned out that he fell in love with another.
The woman was crying, offended, cursing. He endured and did not make excuses. The man was very attached to the children, he could not leave his family. Yes, the wife internally did not let him go. Slowly and painfully, but she still came to the realization that a person dear to her was simply dying before her eyes. A conversation took place, and they parted.
Without waiting for the morning, taking some things, he rushed to his dream. However, he was in such a hurry that he lost control and crashed. In an instant, hope and support for everyone disappeared. In the letter, she asked not to repeat her mistake, but to understand and accept the feelings of another and, no matter how painful it was, to let go.
Why this story? Love is the greatest reason. If you feel that they are not lying to you, that a serious feeling makes a person leave, then you need to put up with it.
The second reason is any human addiction whether it be alcohol, drugs, gambling. If a person himself is not ready to fight with himself, it is impossible to pull him out of the swamp, no matter how hard the spouse or spouse tries, they will have to drown together. Here I have a rather tough position, because this is true. Too many broken destinies. There are no former people with addictions.
The third reason is violence. I think everyone understands this. You should not wait until the aggressor eventually cripple you physically or mentally. Pack your things, look for help, support and leave. There are always options.
I think there are three main factors. In all other cases, I advise you not to rush into a decision.
Take off your rose-colored glasses!
- Maybe you should ask yourself some questions in order to better understand what is happening in the soul?
- Without coming to a psychologist, you can go through projective methods of unfinished sentences on the topic " Family relationships". They just need to complete the sentence. It is advisable to do this together, and then exchange the results obtained, they will surprise both. Only I recommend referring to serious psychological sites.
When getting married, we often confuse expectations with reality, endowing our partner with non-existent qualities, perceiving his behavior from a position that is convenient for us at a given time. And as experience shows, taking off the “rose-colored glasses” and seeing a person from a different angle is very painful.
If the partners just decide to talk to each other - this is already a serious step forward! I take my hat off to these people. Unfortunately, more and more often couples come to me where he or she demands in an almost commanding tone: “Explain to my husband (wife) what he (she) should (should) do!” Such statements have long ceased to amaze me. Unfortunately, we hear only ourselves and our pain, without thinking about what is going on in the soul of another person. I always want to say to such people: “It's time to take off the rose-colored glasses!” Although this should have been done before marriage. If you are not ready to accept another person, then it is better not to enter into a relationship. And if they change, then only together.
Another little sketch. I often watch people. What can you do, it's work. So I remember one scene well (although it is repeated more than once in other interpretations). In the underground. The train arrived. A young couple at the station says goodbye. He kissed her, she went ahead. At the very door of the transport, the girl turned to look at the guy. But the young man had already taken out his phone and buried his nose in it. Not a very pleasant situation. The girl never got the message she hoped for.
It would seem nonsense! But it is in the little things that the truth is traced. I can predict the future of people's relationships based on this one story. And my verdict will be disappointing. The relationship is at the initial stage, but already here it is worth asking yourself whether this is the right person and whether we really need each other.
Freedom is too tempting
- Today it is fashionable to say “we took a break” when the couple decided to leave for a while, to live separately. Is this method helpful?
- I guess, yes. However, there is one thing. Freedom can be too seductive. First of all for men.
Why do problems start in marriage? There are no obligations in the candy-bouquet period. Today we met, went to the cinema, tomorrow we decided to relax. There are more positive emotions, and it is too early to make any claims. And then you have to be with a person constantly, overcome obstacles together, get used to each other. And for some this is extremely difficult. So here. If you again felt the taste of freedom, there is an alluring desire to fly away forever. When the wave of joy from independence subsides, it may turn out that this freedom was not really needed.
Can you give advice on how to save a marriage?
Tell each other about your shortcomings. When I say this to my clients, their eyes widen. And yet, yes, let the man honestly say that from time to time he scatters socks all over the apartment, that he can’t hang frames on the walls, and so on, and the woman admits that she can only cook scrambled eggs, and sometimes she gets upset over trifles.
Removing the mask of ideality, we begin to move towards each other. Before marriage, both men and women often idealize a partner and expect a certain relationship in advance, and then it turns out that everything is not as beautiful as it was in dreams.
In any situation, try to have a dialogue, not a verbal duel, put yourself in the place of a partner, think, then do it. This does not always save the marriage, but, believe me, it will save your nerves and respect for each other.
Grounds for termination of marriage
1. Marriage is terminated as a result of death or as a result of a court declaring one of the spouses dead.
2. Marriage may be terminated by its dissolution at the request of one or both spouses, as well as at the request of the guardian of the spouse recognized by the court as legally incompetent.
Restriction of the husband's right to file a demand for divorce - the husband does not have the right, without the consent of his wife, to initiate a divorce case during the wife's pregnancy and within a year after the birth of the child.
The procedure for dissolution of marriage
The dissolution of a marriage is carried out in the civil registry offices, in a judicial proceeding.
Dissolution of marriage in the registry office
1. With mutual consent to the dissolution of the marriage of spouses who do not have common minor children, the dissolution of the marriage is carried out in the civil registry offices.
2. Dissolution of marriage at the request of one of the spouses, regardless of whether the spouses have common minor children, is carried out in the civil registry offices, if the other spouse:
recognized by the court as missing;
recognized by the court as incompetent;
sentenced for committing a crime to imprisonment for a term of more than three years.
3. The dissolution of a marriage and the issuance of a certificate of dissolution of marriage are carried out by the civil registry office after a month has elapsed from the date of filing an application for divorce.
4. State registration of divorce is carried out by the civil registry office in the manner prescribed for state registration of civil status acts.
Divorce in court
1. Dissolution of marriage is carried out in a judicial proceeding:
1.1. if the spouses have common minor children, with the exception of cases provided for in paragraph 2 of Art. 19 of the RF IC (recognized by the court as missing; declared incompetent by the court; sentenced for committing a crime to imprisonment for more than three years).
1.2 in the absence of the consent of one of the spouses to divorce.
2. Dissolution of marriage is also carried out in court in cases where one of the spouses, despite the absence of objections, evades the dissolution of marriage in the civil registry office (refuses to submit an application, does not want to appear for state registration of divorce, etc.) .
Dissolution of marriage in court in the absence of the consent of one of the spouses to dissolve the marriage
1. Dissolution of marriage in a judicial proceeding is carried out if the court establishes that the further joint life of the spouses and the preservation of the family are impossible.
2. When considering a case on divorce, in the absence of the consent of one of the spouses to dissolve the marriage, the court has the right to take measures to reconcile the spouses and has the right to postpone the proceedings, setting the spouses a period for reconciliation within three months.
The dissolution of the marriage is carried out if the measures for reconciliation of the spouses were unsuccessful and the spouses (one of them) insist on the dissolution of the marriage.
Dissolution of marriage in a judicial proceeding with the mutual consent of the spouses to dissolve the marriage
1. If there is mutual consent to the dissolution of the marriage of spouses with common minor children, as well as the spouses specified in paragraph 2 of Article 21 of the IC RF, the court dissolves the marriage without clarifying the motives for divorce. Spouses have the right to submit for consideration by the court an agreement on children, provided for in paragraph 1 of Article 24 of the RF IC. In the absence of such an agreement, or if the agreement violates the interests of children, the court takes measures to protect their interests in the manner prescribed by paragraph 2 of Article 24 of the RF IC.
2. Dissolution of a marriage shall be effected by the court not earlier than a month has elapsed from the day the spouses filed an application for divorce.
The moment of termination of marriage upon its dissolution
1. A marriage dissolved in the civil registry offices shall be terminated from the date of state registration of the dissolution of marriage in the register of civil status acts, and in case of divorce in court - from the day the court decision enters into legal force.
2. Divorce in court is subject to state registration in the manner established for state registration of acts of civil status.
The court is obliged, within three days from the date of entry into force of the court decision on divorce, to send an extract from this court decision to the civil registry office at the place of state registration of the marriage.
Spouses are not entitled to enter into a new marriage before receiving a certificate of divorce from the civil registry office at the place of residence of any of them.
Question to a psychologist: I am 36. She is 34. I have been married for 14 years. They dated for 2.5 years before getting married. 12 year old son, 4 year old daughter.
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