What is the secret of happiness? “Happiness is not something fleeting that comes and goes,” says Bert Hellinger, “there is also a happiness that remains with us.” But lasting happiness depends largely on our connection to our roots, and it is often hampered by unresolved problems in relationships that are important to us. Using the family constellation method, Bert Hellinger explains how, by untying family entanglements, it is possible to improve relationships - between husband and wife, between children and parents. Using many touching examples, he shows how to find happiness that will stay with us - because he feels good with us. Dear readers

Many people around the world, in a relatively short period of time, have been able to experience the impact of family constellations and where they take us. In our relationships they lead to happiness that lasts. In this book I have collected and described what family constellations have revealed about the happiness that remains. And above all, I describe what they revealed about life and about love. What happiness remains with us, in our relationships and in our lives? That happiness that feels good to us because we respect it and share it with others. How do we share it with others? So that we are friendly towards other people and wish them all the best in all areas of life. Then our happiness rejoices. It feels good with us and favors us - staying with us. It gives us the impulse for love that remains. Where does it remain in this movement? - Happy. Yours, Bert Hellinger Complete happiness Surprise “It’s quite simple,” say many of those who took part in constellations for the first time. A person chooses from a group of complete strangers who will replace his parents, brothers and sisters, including himself, arranges them in space relative to each other and sits down in his place. And suddenly he has an epiphany: “What, this is my family? I had a completely different idea of ​​her in my head.” What happened? Everyone was looking in the same direction. And he himself, that is, his deputy, stood at a great distance from the family. Then, when I asked the deputies how they were feeling, it turned out that they were missing someone. Then I placed another deputy in front of them, in the place where they were looking. Their faces brightened. They began to feel better. It was a typical family arrangement. It couldn't be simpler. But what did it really reveal? The man said that he had a brother who died immediately after birth. In the future, the family did not remember him, as if he no longer belonged to it. Full means in in full force My happiness will be complete if everyone who belongs to my family has a place in my heart. If someone, as in the previous example, is excluded or forgotten, then a search begins within us for him. We feel like we're missing something, but we don't know where to look. Sometimes such a search leads to addiction, and sometimes to a search for God. We feel an emptiness in ourselves and want to fill it.

Who am I missing?

We can check who we are missing by turning inside ourselves. It will take five minutes. We close our eyes and internally approach everyone who belongs to our family. We look them in the eyes, including those who have long since died. We tell them: “I see you. I respect you. I give you a place in my soul." We immediately feel ourselves becoming more fulfilled. And we immediately feel if someone is missing. For example, someone who was forgotten, someone whom the family perceived as ballast, someone whom they wanted to get rid of. And we look them in the eye too. We tell them: “I see you. I respect you. I give you a place in my heart, a place that belongs to you." And again we feel how it affects us and how we become more fulfilled. Complete health One of the important insights that was revealed to me in family constellations concerns our health, complete health. Many illnesses represent people that we or our family want to get rid of, that we have forgotten or excluded. We can also check this by turning inside ourselves. For this we will also need five minutes. We turn our inner gaze to our body and listen to where something hurts or where there is some kind of disease. How do we usually react to this? We want to get rid of what hurts us or makes us sick. Just like we or our family wanted to get rid of some person. But now we act differently. We lovingly accept into our soul and into our heart that which causes us pain and that which is sick. We tell him: “You can stay with me. In me you can find peace." In doing so, we pay attention to the effect it has on our body and what it evokes and awakens in it. Often the pain subsides and we feel better. At the next stage, we try to feel who this illness or pain is associated with. With what excluded or forgotten person? Perhaps someone we or our family have wronged? After a while we already know this, or we will have a guess. Now we, together with our pain and our illness, look at this person. We tell him: “Now I see you. Now I respect you. Now I love you. Now I give you a place in my heart." How do we feel after this? How does our illness feel? How does our pain feel? Here “complete” also means in full force.

"I'm staying now"

In one large school in Mexico City, some teachers and parents came to me because they were worried about the children. They wanted to help these children. For example, one teacher was worried about a 14-year-old boy who did not want to go to school anymore. Then I asked this teacher to stand up and put this boy next to her. The boy's parents were also present there. I placed them opposite the boy and the teacher. When I looked at the boy, I saw that he was sad. I told him, “You are sad.” Tears immediately began to flow - and so did his mother. Everyone could see that the boy was sad because his mother was sad. I asked my mother what happened in her family of origin. She replied: “I had a twin sister who died during childbirth.” That is, she was missing her twin sister. And her family also missed her deceased twin sister. But she was forgotten in this family, since it was too painful for living family members to think about her and remember her. Then I chose a substitute for my deceased twin sister. I placed her away from the others and turned her so that she was facing outward, as it was in reality in this family. Everyone looked at the dead twin sister, and, above all, the boy's mother. So I placed her behind her twin sister and her gaze was also directed outward. And I asked her, “How do you feel here?” She said, “I feel good here.” Then I put the boy in his mother's place behind her twin sister and asked him how he felt here. He also said, “I feel good here.” What did you find here? The mother was drawn to her dead twin sister and wanted to follow her into death. Her son felt this, and then in his soul he decided: “I will die instead of you, mom.” No wonder he didn't want to go to school anymore. Why should someone who wants to die teach anything else? Here you can see the impact it has when someone is excluded, when someone loses their place in the family. What is the solution here? It's very simple. The deceased twin sister is accepted back into the family and takes her rightful place. How was this done in this family constellation? I placed my dead twin sister next to my mother. They embraced heartily with tears in their eyes. And thus, the mother no longer had to follow her twin sister into death. Her sister was by her side in her family. Everyone in the family immediately felt better, especially the husband. We can easily imagine how he lived with his wife, since all these years he internally felt that she was being drawn to death. I asked my wife to look her husband in the eyes and tell him, “Now I’m staying.” She said this, and they both, happy, rushed into each other's arms. She then turned to her son. She also looked into his eyes and said: “Now I’m staying, and I’ll be glad if you stay too.” The boy beamed and his sadness passed.

"Mom, I'm coming"

One woman suffered greatly because her daughter broke off relations with her many years ago. She read my book “Orders of Love” and realized that her daughter was internally connected with people who were excluded from the family. She thought of two faces: her husband's first wife and her father-in-law. In the evening she lit one candle in honor of her husband's first wife. She imagined herself standing in front of her and looking into her eyes. She bowed deeply before her and said, “I pay tribute to you.” In the evening next day she did the same for her father-in-law. She lit a candle in his honor and imagined herself standing in front of him and looking into his eyes. She bowed deeply before him and said, “I pay tribute to you.” The next day her daughter called her and said: “Mom, I’m coming.”

Who in the family is most often deprived of their place? Parents' former partners or grandparents' former partners. But they are the ones who make room for future partners and future children, and often they are the ones who pay a high personal price for their happiness. It is through the example of previous partners, when they are denied due respect and love, that we most often see the far-reaching consequences this has on the family. In family constellations it is often found that a child born in a new relationship replaces the previous partner. Such a child adopts and carries his feelings and shows them towards his parents. He represents this partner in the family and sometimes takes over and bears his fate.

What helped

One friend told me that his little son his behavior sometimes drives him and his wife into a frenzy. He said: “My son knows exactly what sets us off and he won’t rest until he gets it. And then we can hardly control ourselves.” I told him: “You’ve already been married once. Don’t you know that children from a second marriage are reminiscent of their previous partners in their behavior?” He asked me: “What should we do? My wife has the same situation. She also had another man before me.” I told him, “Next time you feel resentment, look beyond your son and remember your first wife and inwardly look at her with respect and love. And let your wife do the same with her first husband.” Four weeks later we met again. “You know,” he said, “it helped right away.” Love “I love you” Who has the right to say “I love you”? What happens in his soul when he says this phrase? And what happens in the soul of the person to whom this phrase is addressed? The one who really says this has a trembling soul. Something gathers in it, rises like a wave and carries him along with it. Perhaps he is protecting himself from her out of fear, not knowing where she will lift him and on which shore she will throw him. And the one to whom this phrase is addressed may also be trembling. He feels that it is this phrase that changes in him, as much as it possibly takes him into service and forever determines his life. There is also a fear here about whether we can bear this phrase and agree with it in its full meaning and open ourselves to it, regardless of whether we say it ourselves or someone says it to us. But there is no more beautiful phrase that touches us so deeply and connects us so heartily with another person. This is a humble phrase. It makes us small and big at the same time. And it makes us supremely human.

The couple's relationship is performed like a baroque concert. Many beautiful melodies sound in the heights and they are accompanied by basso continuo. He leads, connects and carries the melodies, giving them weight and fullness. In partnerships, basso continuo sounds like this: “I take you, I take you, I take you. I take you to be my wife. I take you to be my husband. I take you with love and give myself with love.” Love that binds and love that sets free When a man and a woman meet, the man notices that he is missing something, and the woman notices that she is missing something. What, after all, is a man without a woman, and what is a woman without a man? A man focuses on a woman, and a woman focuses on a man. When they unite, each of them gets what he lacks. A man gets a woman and a woman gets a man. For a man to agree that he is missing a woman, and for a woman to agree that she is missing a man, is not easy. And it's humbling. At the same time, everyone recognizes their boundaries. Some want to avoid this recognition, for example, by saying that a man is trying to develop the feminine in himself, and a woman is trying to develop the masculine in herself. Because then the man no longer needs the woman, and the woman no longer needs the man. Then they can exist without each other. Relationships in a couple are successful if both, man and woman, agree that they lack the other, that in order to become perfect, they need the other. If they give each other what the other lacks, they become perfect and whole. And the pinnacle of love between a man and a woman is sexual relations. Sexual relations are what a couple's relationship is heading towards. They are the greatest fulfillment of life and surpass all others, including spiritual ones. Thanks to them, we are in tune with the essence of the world. So what else takes us to the service of the basis of life more, and on what else do we grow more, if not on these relationships and their consequences? There is something else connected with this relationship. Through sexual relations there is a connection. After sex, the couple can no longer free themselves from each other. Therefore, it cannot be treated as if it were something insignificant. It has far-reaching consequences. What a connection means and how deep it is, we can understand from the pain and feelings of guilt and deprivation that a couple experiences when they separate. They cannot truly separate until they feel this connection and agree with it. The impact this has on subsequent relationships can be understood by the fact that the child from the subsequent relationship replaces the partner from the first relationship. He has the feelings of this partner, and he shows them in front of his parents. This means that you cannot play with your previous relationships. They continue to act. We can also observe the following. When a couple breaks up, and each finds another partner and then breaks up again, the pain and guilt during the second breakup is less than during the first. During the third breakup, pain and guilt decrease even further, and after some time they cease to play any role at all. And, as a rule, partners in later relationships do not dare to accept their new partner as cordially and sincerely as the first. A solution is possible here if, after breaking up, they continue to respect and love their former partner. This is not always possible for both partners equally. Then something painful remains for both of them.

For the soul, the word “sex” is unacceptable because it lacks soulfulness, depth, all-encompassing passion, knowledge of each other, as well as knowledge and discovery of oneself in another person. And what power, in contrast to this, does the old and today condemned word “voluptuousness” have! It feels movement, ardor, passion, intertwining of bodies, energy, embrace, swiftness, climax and blissful relaxation. Compared to this ardor, sex is cold and the same as a quick meal compared to a luxurious meal. Voluptuousness is life, exciting and amazing in its power, and it is fruitful in every sense. From it comes something that goes far beyond the personal and related to oneself. But it cannot be controlled, it overflows, because it is controlled and carried by something Bigger. The soul rejoices in it. Maybe that's why we should use this word again? No. It is too vulnerable, like something sacred. But the best thing would be to remove the word “sex” from use. It, together with everything that we put into it, is rather a “foreign”, alien word for the soul. Love at Second Sight When a man meets a woman for whom he feels a special attraction, and when a woman meets this man and feels a special attraction for him, both of them are overcome by an incredible feeling of happiness and desire that takes over them completely. They feel this feeling of happiness and this desire as love. Then, when the man says to the woman, “I love you,” and when the woman also says to him, “I love you,” they unite and become a couple. But is this first love that they feel for each other and that they confess to be strong enough to bind themselves to each other for a long time? Even if after some time it turns out that the different paths they have followed so far have connected them so spiritually only for a while? Or maybe they will join their paths for a long time, and, above all, if they become not only a couple, but also parents. But will these paths continue to connect them, if later they may diverge in different directions? What do a man and a woman actually know about each other in their sublime feeling of first love? What do they know about the dark sides of each other’s parental families, about each other’s special destinies and special destiny? The question is: when will what has been hidden come to light, what will help their love survive this reality and continue to exist? We feel that something else must be added to the first declaration of “I love you” that will prepare the couple for this larger context and lead them into the breadth and depth that will allow the couple to grow and move beyond the boundaries of first love. A phrase that includes this broader context and prepares partners for it might sound like this: “I love you, and I love what leads me and you.” What happens when a man says this phrase to a woman, and a woman says it to the man: “I love you, and I love what leads me and you”? They suddenly begin to look beyond themselves and their desires. They are looking at something bigger, something that goes beyond their boundaries. Even if for a long time they will not be able to understand the special demands that this phrase places on them, and do not understand what fate awaits each of them, both individually and together. After love at first sight, this phrase prepares them for love at second sight and makes it possible.

Families resonate

Love is not a personal matter. It is not a man as “I” who says to a woman: “I love you.” He's too small for that. This, of course, applies to women as well. Behind them are their parents and clan, and destinies. And through this phrase they all have a powerful effect on the couple. That is, when a man says to a woman, “I love you,” everyone behind him resonates with him. A huge symphony energetically resonates with him. Then we are not fixated only on each other, but our families resonate with us. This is a wonderful image.

Perfection/completeness

When a man and woman meet for the first time, they are attracted to each other, often irresistibly strong. They see themselves as separate individuals, as “I” and “You”. But behind the man are his mother and father, his grandparents, his brothers and sisters and everything that happened in his family - the whole system. I have an image: the entire system that stands behind a man is waiting for a woman - and not just him alone. The same applies to a woman. When a man sees a woman, he should know that behind her are her father and mother, her grandparents, her brothers and sisters, the whole system. And this system is waiting for a man. Both systems expect that they may be able to complete something that was left unsolved in their past. At the same time, the man’s system looks not only at the woman. She also looks at her system. Both systems are entering a fateful community, and in that community they may want to solve something special, to finally solve it. Therefore, there is no relationship between two people in the form in which we often imagine it. A relationship between two people is a dream. We are all woven into a certain field, into a large family. If in the husband's family or in the wife's family someone has been excluded, such as former partners, or an aborted child, or a child given up for adoption, or a mentally retarded child, or some family member who was shamed, then the excluded family member will be present in a new relationship and in a new family. Therefore, both partners, man and woman, must accept the excluded family member into the new family. Only then do they both become free for their relationship.

How love and life work together

But family constellations not only reveal and clarify what has been hidden until now. They also show solutions. The most important thing in family constellations is to show the path to liberation from intertwining and to guide those to whom this applies along this path. But just as love at first sight cannot last long unless it is followed by love at second sight, so in family constellations, liberation from intertwining can only be successful if those who have been intertwined can unite with something Big. This means that they will consciously leave behind what happened in the past and open up to something new, even if it scares them at first. Here, knowledge and insights alone will bring little benefit. This requires special strength. The source of this strength, on the one hand, is the connection with parents and ancestors, and on the other hand, the inclusion of oneself in something Bigger. If we commit ourselves to this Greater, we come into agreement with what ultimately guides us. Sometimes it takes us beyond the bounds of the weave and frees us to love happily and fulfillingly. But not always. Sometimes we become witnesses to the fact that we ourselves or another person are not able to overcome the boundary, that is, that we or our partner cannot free ourselves from the weave. Then we must acknowledge it without wanting to move or change anything. This is known in partnerships as dying. And we can lovingly submit ourselves to this dying if we say to each other: “I love myself, and I love you with all that leads you and me.”

What allows partners to grow next to each other

What allows partners to grow next to each other? Some may believe that once a partnership has begun, the partners sit down and relax. But partnerships are part of life. Because real life begins with partnerships. They are the highest point. After them, everything in life is different, bigger, richer and fuller. Learn love from your parents But something precedes partnerships, namely childhood. Partnerships are learned in childhood. We learn very early the kind of love that we need for partnerships. We learn it, first of all, from our mother. Only when we have a successful relationship with our mother, when we wholeheartedly take from our mother what she gives us, do we prepare for a partnership. The same applies to our attitude towards our father. Anyone who could not accept his parents will not be able to accept his partner. Many problems in partnerships arise because one partner or both of them are not in agreement with their parents in the sense of a deep connection with them, including respect and the ability to "take" with gratitude. All childhood and adolescence is nothing more than acceptance (in the sense of “taking” - translator’s note) from parents with love. It's taking, and taking, and taking, and taking. Some people refuse to take, and they do it for various reasons. So, for example, some of us have the idea that what our parents give us is so great and so much that we cannot balance it, and that our gratitude will never be enough to balance it. Taking with Love We have a very deep inner need to balance what we “give” and what we “take.” Therefore, some children do not take it, fearing that they will not be able to balance it. Sometimes, in order not to take from their parents, they begin to reproach and blame them. Then they take very little, and since they take very little, they have little. And then what we have, as a rule, is not enough for partnerships. Partnerships begin with what we take from our parents. Often we experience turmoil because we will never be able to balance what our parents gave us. But we can balance what we received from them in another way, by giving what we received further, for example, to a partner and, above all, to our own children. When we know this, we no longer need to worry about balancing with our parents. We take and take and take, and we know that one day it will overwhelm us, and enrich our partners and our children. That is, the ability to “take” from parents is a prerequisite for partnerships. The love on which partners grow up next to each other begins in childhood. Acceptance Beyond Good and Evil There is something else that stands in the way of acceptance when preparing for a partnership. It is making a distinction between good and evil. Or between what is good and what is bad. There is a certain view that is supported by some directions public opinion, and which naturally also found expression in some schools of psychotherapy. It is that our problems are related to our parents. If our parents were better, then things would be better for us. This is a strange concept because our growth involves overcoming obstacles and resistance. A widely held belief among some people is that we grow when we get, get, get, without having to do anything ourselves. But we grow precisely from obstacles and resistance, and we grow from the mistakes of our parents, as well as from the difficult things that we may have had to endure in childhood. And this is no harm, in fact, this is a chance on which we grow and gain strength for real life. Sometimes I try to imagine how a child who has “perfect parents” feels. Can he live? Does he know anything about real life? Is this child mature for a partnership?

Meditation: Preparing for Partnerships

Imagine your parents, your mother and your father, as they are. Their parents stand behind them, because our parents were also once children. Behind their parents are their parents’ parents, and so on, for an infinite number of generations. The life that flows through everyone comes from one source, which is unknown to us. Life is the most powerful thing in the world. This is the most magnificent thing in the world. This is the most spiritual thing in the world, the most divine thing in the world. Knowing God is nothing other than knowing life. And all knowledge of life is ultimately knowledge of God. This life flows divinely and authentically through all these generations. No one could add anything, no one could take anything away. They were all perfect in taking life and passing it on. They were perfect in harmony with the divine movement. This is how life passed from generation to generation and reached our parents. They fell in love as a man and a woman. And we emerged from their love as men and women. Our life is the fruit of their love. We look at them, open our hearts and accept from them, as they are, life in its entirety, as the greatest thing in the world, as something sacred, as something divine. We look at them, accepting life, and say to them: “Thank you.” But not only them. This gratitude goes further, to all the generations that stand behind them, and to the source of life. Then we have our life. But for many years we needed the attention and care of our parents. They gave us this care and this attention. They fed us, protected us, raised us, always thought about us and asked themselves: “What does our child need?” This is how we grew up thanks to their love and care. Creative and divine But our parents, like ourselves, are people with their own so-called “mistakes.” I say "with so-called mistakes" because we grow not only on the nutrition we receive. All growth comes largely from obstacles and mistakes. Because the divine that acts in life, from this point of view, also has flaws. The idea that the divine is perfect is wrong. Because everything creative is such only because something was imperfect before. Only where there is imperfection and incompleteness, and where there are mistakes and delusions, is something creative possible. Thus, even that creative thing that comes to us thanks to our parents is possible only through mistakes and difficulties, and lack, and guilt. We see it as something that is necessary for our life and our growth, and we accept it within ourselves, agreeing: “Yes, this belongs to me, this is what I grew up with. It is a part of me, and it has the right to be a part of me.” We feel what is happening in our soul thanks to this. We feel how we are growing and becoming strong.

Grow in partnerships

We cannot pass on what we have not accepted. This has far-reaching implications for partnerships. Some people imagine an image of a partner, the way he should ideally be. But you cannot grow next to an ideal partner. Who can be my ideal partner? Someone to whom I could say: “You are my mother and I am your child.” But what comes out of such relationships? Each partner, male and female, grew up in a special family with its own special difficulties and grew up in a certain way. This is how they meet each other, both completely different, and are a challenge for each other. If they accept each other for who they are, exactly as they are, they grow next to each other. The only way. This condition. Then, of course, you can perceive in a completely different way the difficulties that arise in partnerships. They can be respected and grown from them so that the partnership becomes increasingly fulfilling and happy.

How our partnerships work

Successful partnerships are based on three pillars. Each of them is important in its own right, and one cannot replace the other. Sexual relationships The first component is sexual relationships. Successful sexual relationships are a prerequisite for partnerships because partnerships focus on sexual union. They are the essence that defines partnerships because life continues only through sexual union. Love and life are concentrated in sexual relationships. They are the culmination of our development. In sexual relationships, in the love that finds expression in them, and, of course, in the attraction that leads to them, the most powerful force known to us is at work. All living things are aimed at transmitting life. Life is oriented toward transmission, and it is fulfilled when it succeeds in transmission. Therefore, the force that acts here is real vitality. And she, of course, is a spiritual power, a higher power, which - I will say figuratively - is most like God. The majesty of the world, the divine, is manifested in the most tangible way. Precisely because we surrender to this force thanks to attraction, it manifests itself as a force coming from outside and taking possession of us. So, the first thing that relates to partnerships is successful sexual love. Love of the heart

To this is added the second. This is the love of the heart. Sexual love works best when it comes from the love of the heart, when sexual love is also the fulfillment of the love of the heart. Love of the heart is an achievement in itself. Sexuality can exist without this love, and this love often also exists without sexuality. Both are achievements in their own right: sexual love and love of the heart. Living together To this is added a third, living together. Living together can be without sexuality. Sometimes it happens without love. Sometimes we see couples who have stayed together and yet they no longer love each other with all their hearts. But living together is the highest good. This also needs to be specially studied, and you need to be able to do this. When these three components - sexual love, love of the heart and life together - are combined with everything that goes with it: with exchange, mutual help, support, then the partnership is successful. Then we grow in partnerships.

Love and order

What is greater and what is more important, love or order? What comes first? Many people believe that if only they love enough, everything will be okay. Many parents, for example, think that if they love their children enough, this alone will be enough for the children to develop as they imagine. But parents, despite their love, often find themselves disappointed. Love alone is clearly not enough. Love must be included in the order. Order is a prerequisite for love. This also works in nature: the tree develops according to its internal order. It cannot be changed. It can only develop within the framework of this order. The same applies to love and interpersonal relationships: they can only develop within the framework of order. This order is given. If we know something about the orders of love, then our love and our relationships have more opportunities to blossom fully. The first order of love in a partnership is that the man and woman, despite their differences, are equal to each other. If they admit this, their love has a better chance. The second order is that there must be a balance between “giving” and “taking” between partners. If one is forced to give more than the other, it destroys the relationship. Partnerships need this balance. If the need to balance between “giving” and “taking” comes with love, then everyone, after he has received something from his partner, gives him a little more to balance. Thanks to this, the exchange between partners increases, and along with it, joint happiness grows. In the negative, the need for balance also remains. If one partner has done something bad to the other partner, the other partner will feel the need to do something bad in return. He feels offended. Therefore, he believes that he also has the right to offend his partner. This need is irresistible. Many who have suffered injustice feel justified in doing something bad to their partner in return. That is, here something else is added to the need for balancing. Namely: the feeling that because I was treated unfairly, I have special rights. Then the offended person causes harm to his partner not only to the same extent as it was caused to him, but a little more. But, since he caused his partner a little more harm, the partner also feels entitled to do something bad to him in return. And since the partner feels right, he causes a little more harm. This is how bad exchanges grow in partnerships. In such relationships, instead of happiness, unhappiness grows. The quality of a relationship can be determined by whether the give and take is mostly good or bad. The question is: what is the solution here? And is there even a solution? The solution will be if the partners again change the exchange in bad for exchange in good. But how to do that? There is one secret here: one partner takes revenge on the other with love. This means that although he does something bad to his partner, he does a little less bad. Then the exchange in the bad will stop, and both partners can begin to give and take in the good again. This is an important aspect of the order of love. If a person knows it and acts on it, then many things in the family can turn towards good again. There is another order of love that needs to be taken into account, because if you do not pay attention to it, it has far-reaching consequences. A woman who thinks she is better than her mother has no respect for men. She also doesn't understand men and doesn't really need them. Because if she believes that she is better than her mother, it usually means: “I am best wife for father." Then she already has a husband and she no longer needs any other man. How does a girl become capable of becoming a woman and respecting and having a man? If she stands next to her mother, she becomes like a younger woman. This applies, of course, to men as well: a man who does not respect his father and believes that he is for his mother the best man, than his father, does not respect women. He already has a wife and he doesn't need any other woman. How will he acquire the ability to become a man and respect and have a woman?

If he stands next to his father, he will be like a younger man.

That is, a man learns respect for women next to his father, and a woman learns respect for men next to her mother. What happens when a man who is a mother's son marries a woman who is a father's girl? A mother's son is unreliable for a woman, and a father's daughter is unreliable for a man. They have too little respect for each other. Therefore, first we need to restore order in our own parental families, so that a man respects his father, and a woman respects her mother.

Everyday life of partnerships

Now I want to discuss the everyday life of partnerships. How does a new day begin in a partnership? The man looks at the woman, and the woman looks at the man, and their faces begin to shine. They are happy for each other. What could be more beautiful than such a start to a new day in a partnership? Thus, love shines and it manifests itself in radiance. The best expression of love is when you make your partner happy. This is how the day begins in a partnership. Partners look at each other and rejoice in each other, just as they are. Exactly the way they are. Then one thing or another comes out of it. This is happiness, mutually enjoying each other and doing something out of this joy: giving and taking. Then they miss the day because something new is constantly flowing between them. This is growth. From observations spanning several decades and from accumulated experience, the most important thing about happiness can be expressed in three words. These three words, if felt and said at the right time, contain the secret to happiness in partnerships. “Yes” I designated the first word in my thoughts about the beginning of the day in partnerships. Why does one partner rejoice over the other? Because he agrees with his partner as he is. This joy also infects the other partner. The word behind it is: “Yes.” Yes - to your partner, yes - to yourself, yes - to the situation as it is, and yes - to happiness. Of course, sometimes something stands in the way of happiness, a certain idea. In our society, for example, it is the idea that you have to pay for almost everything. Many people believe that nothing comes for free and you have to pay for everything. Therefore, they begin to pay, among other things, for their happiness. Instead of looking at the other and enjoying him, they reach for their wallet in order to pay for happiness with their partner. At the same time, they soon lose sight of their partner - and along with him, happiness. Then they are left with a pittance in their hand. And that's all that's left of joy and happiness. There is a urge deep within us that derives its strength from this idea: I must pay for everything I receive. First of all, for happiness. But when we have paid enough, it turns out that happiness has long disappeared. This idea that we have to pay for everything goes against God. With the help of great sacrifices, pilgrimages, donations and the like, we pay God for the gift of happiness. Do you think he is happy when we pay him for this? Do you think he's worried about how much we pay? This is a strange idea. One of my seminars was attended by a man who bought himself a Mercedes. But he couldn’t afford it, it was too much happiness for him. In his family, one could only buy Volkswagens - and old ones at that. One day, on the highway, someone unexpectedly crashed into his car from behind. Then he breathed a sigh of relief. Finally he paid for his happiness. Are you familiar with a similar situation? And this happens all the time. Many of us pay all the time. They pay for happiness and they pay for guilt.

"Please"

If a man offends his wife, for example by saying something unpleasant to her, he regrets it and pays for it. He feels bad. So he pays for what he did. How to avoid such atonement? With one single word. So, the man offended the woman. He didn't pay attention to her. He even forgot about her birthday. And it's terrible. Some people forget their wedding anniversary. Then the wife looks at him and she is upset. What should he do now? To atone? Beat yourself in the chest? No. He looks at her and says, “Please.” Just "please." I'm sorry. "Please". Then her heart opens and happiness has a chance again.

"Thank you"

I have already mentioned two of the three magic words that lead to happiness: “Yes” and “please”. And there's one more thing in particular beautiful word. This word sounds like this: “Thank you.” Just thank you". In partnerships, there are hundreds of opportunities throughout the day to celebrate and say, “Thank you.” Each other. Here are three magic words for a happy and fulfilling partnership. We can receive nourishment from them, even if we encounter some difficulties.

Disappointment

Why is one partner disappointed in the other? Because he expects from him what he is not able to give him. His expectations for his partner go beyond the ordinary. These expectations very often come from childhood. Often these were expectations regarding the mother. And then at some point a person becomes disappointed. There is one exercise that shows how you can get rid of this disappointment. For example, you can sit down in the evening, take five sheets of paper, at least five, introduce your partner and start writing down everything that he gave you. Five long pages, but not enough. The longer you write, the more you begin to glow. This is a great exercise.

Old connections remain

These days, we often assume—and often act—as if partnerships are just about a man and a woman. Both partners love each other, they are attracted to each other and they become a couple. At the same time, we easily lose sight of the fact that each of them comes from a specific family. Each of them has different parents and different roots. Something happened differently for everyone in their family. And these realities affect partnerships. Each of the partners comes from their own spiritual field, another family field, which in many ways takes them into service. Therefore, none of them are free. If you add to this the fact that one or both of them were in a strong relationship before meeting each other, and they also have children from a previous relationship, then this past connects them in a certain way. This past binds them to their children, as well as to the father or mother of the children. We must assume that everyone wants and needs to remain in these attachments in a certain way. No person in a new relationship should expect their partner to give up this affection. Sometimes this leads to the fact that they cannot live together. Although they want it.

Spiritual fields

In a family, in the broad sense of the word, including the entire clan, everyone is connected to each other, as if they have a common big soul. It can also be called the spiritual field. In the big soul there are everyone who once belonged to it, including all the dead. For example, it also includes aborted children and early deceased brothers and sisters. They all belong to it, including those who are rejected and do not want to know anything about. Everyone is present in this field. And all of them are in this field in mutual resonance with each other. There is a movement in this field that wants to connect the disconnected. Two different movements serve this purpose. For example, sometimes the living are drawn to the dead. Then they unite in death. Often such a movement is a movement of love. But instead of leading to life, it leads to death. But there is another movement here, another love that keeps us in life. For example, I can lovingly accept into my heart, into my soul, someone who has been excluded. Instead of dragging me into death, he will protect my life because he was recognized and accepted. This is a reverse movement, a healing movement. Since we are woven into so many relationships, it is clear that we cannot thus realize the illusions we sometimes create for ourselves about a happy, fulfilling life. Precisely because we are intertwined. But if we accept these life-changing connections, no matter what they ask of us, we gain a special depth. This is depth through failure. And, of course, at this moment we grow. We become more human, woven into something Big, and we have a different strength.

Example: Labyrinth of the Soul

Exercise with a woman whose first husband committed suicide six months after their divorce.

Hellinger:

Where was he going when he died? - To my mother.

Woman

: For my husband, it makes sense.

Hellinger

: The soul has strange tricks. I'm no longer surprised by anything. The soul is a labyrinth in which you can easily get lost. You navigate this labyrinth using a guiding “red” thread. They won't let her out of their hands. Then the person gets his bearings. After all, the labyrinth is dark. It won't help if you keep your eyes open. You need to stick to the guiding thread. You need to feel it, centimeter by centimeter. Every heartbeat moves us a centimeter. So you have to follow the heartbeat. I'm just imagining it. I am looking for images for the soul by which it can navigate the labyrinth of love. That is, you need to follow the heartbeat. Every beat of your heart means, “Please, please, please, please.” This “please” goes back to distant childhood; it is directed, first of all, of course, to my mother: “Please.” In the darkness they feel their way, holding the image of their mother before their eyes and say: “Please, please.” Every “please” is a step forward. Then the heart beats speed up a little. The steps get a little longer. But it's still dark. With every step and every heartbeat you say “thank you.” And you say this to your dead husband: “Thank you.” Then you begin to breathe deeper, with each “thank you” you take a deep breath in and out. But the maze is still dark. Should I continue my journey through the labyrinth of love with you?

Woman

: Please.

Hellinger

: Okay, let's continue. Now with every step comes a “yes.” This is a very specific yes. “Yes” to life, and “Yes” to death. Both. You say yes to your life, and you also say yes to the death of your husband. This death is part of his life. Yes. And now you look at your current husband and tell him: “Yes.”

A Community Bound by Destiny Contrary to the ideas we often have about romantic love, relationships are influenced by many other forces. In romantic love, two people are in love with each other in a certain way. "In love" here means that they do not see anything. They are solely focused on each other. So much so that they don’t notice anything around them. Romantic love does not last long, because soon the surroundings of the lovers appear. I view partnerships in another way. Each family system has a special destiny, and there is a special disorder in it. The confusion arises because not all those who belong to the family are recognized as belonging to it. But the movement operating in the family spiritual field is aimed at getting them recognized again. And then, under the pressure of this field, a child born later must replace some previously excluded family member. And he does this unconsciously. Often, for example, the former partner of a parent or grandparent is excluded, perhaps because he died early. Perhaps it was the wife who died in childbirth. Members of this system no longer look at these individuals, often because they are afraid of their fate. But then the excluded ones make themselves felt in one of the children born later. But the child does not know that he is replacing someone, that he is intertwined with the fate of another person. If this problem with the exclusion of one of the members of the family system has not yet been resolved, this child, as an adult, unconsciously seeks a partner who will help him and his family solve this problem. That is, the woman’s system, through the woman, seeks in the man’s system a solution to an unsolved problem. And vice versa. A man and his system are looking through a woman and her system for a solution to their problem. Thus, both partners create a life-changing community in which they both seek solutions from each other. In Switzerland I saw a clear example of this. The man had a brother who died of hunger during the war. The family didn't have enough food. The man was deeply connected to his brother and was afraid that he would also die of hunger, that starvation would also be his fate. So what did he do? He married a woman who suffered from anorexia. She had to starve for him. Thus, similar intertwinings exist. Sometimes they lead to dimensions that seem monstrous. Let me give you another example from a course for couples that took place in Washington. One woman came to a partnership constellation without her husband. Then I placed her alone, and opposite her I placed her husband's deputy. The man began to tremble with his whole body, as if from mortal fear. I asked the woman: “Have you ever thought about killing him?” She replied: “Yes.” Her daughter, who attended the seminar, had already attempted suicide once. That is, there was a great potential for aggression in this family. When something like this is discovered, some people try to say something like: “Terrible woman.” I'm not saying that. I told her, “So something special must have happened in your system.” After some time, she came up to me and said: “My father took part in the creation of the atomic bomb.” She then added, “Sometimes I ask myself why I married a Japanese man.” What was the intertwining here? The war between the United States and Japan continued during this marriage. And neither of them realized it. These are life-changing communities. Sometimes they lead, among other things, to death. When a person recognizes these life-changing connections, suddenly a good solution appears for both partners. Then they find peace. I heard that everything went well for this couple after the seminar. Their daughter immediately left for Japan. She was educated there and flourished. Partnerships and, in general, any close interpersonal relationships are incredibly deep. If we open ourselves to all their dimensions, we will find a completely different type of love and relationships. They are much deeper and open to everything. As has already been said, it is important for order that those excluded are returned to the system. This is the basic movement that leads to order in relationships and happiness for everyone.

Something more about partnerships

Maybe I'll talk a little more about partnerships and growth in partnerships. Growth is always expansion. He who grows must take in something from the outside. He grows on what was previously outside of him. When he accepts this, he grows. Men and women are different from each other. A man understands little about women. Have you ever seen a man who actually understood women? Have you ever seen a woman who says: “My husband understands me.” And, of course, vice versa. Women understand little about men. Otherwise they wouldn't be constantly trying to change men. So, when a man and a woman meet each other, they meet with something alien, with something that they themselves do not have, with something that they do not understand, but that they need. A man needs a woman. Otherwise, why would he be a man? After all, without a woman he is not a man. And vice versa, a woman needs a man. After all, without a man she is not a woman. A woman becomes a woman only thanks to a man. Everything else is temporary. So, two completely different people meet. They complement each other, although they do not understand each other and deep down do not know each other's true essence. Because of this, tension remains in partnerships throughout life. The man is surprised again and again by his wife, and the wife is surprised by her husband. This makes their relationship come alive. The moment a man meets a woman, he admits that he is imperfect. He has to give up the belief that, as a man, he is already a complete person. The same applies to a woman. When she meets a man, she notices that being a woman is not enough. Something else is needed. She has to give up the belief that she alone is the correct embodiment of humanity. Because suddenly she sees in front of her a completely different person, who is also correct. They are both correct, although different. When they recognize this, they give up their previous belief and become humble. This means they recognize that they need each other. When they both acknowledge this about each other, they are enriched by each other. And they grow from this. Growth means: I am taking into myself something that was foreign to me and that requires me to give up my conviction. Both men and women do this to each other. This is how they grow. This is growth. Families are also different from each other. Added to this is the fact that the man comes from a family that is different from the woman’s family. Conversely, a woman comes from a different family from the man's. Both families are different from each other. Often a man looks at a woman's family, and a woman looks at her husband's family. And perhaps they both say: “My family is better.” This also has a right to exist, because thanks to the fact that we are attached to our family, it becomes better for us. This is how she should be. Otherwise we wouldn't have survived. But these families are different from each other. And just as a man is right, although he is not a woman, and just as a woman is right, although she is not a man, so a man’s family is right, and a woman’s family is right, although they are different from each other. Therefore, a man and a woman must recognize their partner’s family as equal. Thus, each of them gives up something. Just as a man first gives up his belief that only a man is the right person, he gives up that only his family is the right one. And vice versa. Both partners allow something different into themselves and grow in the process. But the full importance of this becomes clear when the couple has children and the partners must decide how to raise their children. And here sometimes there is rivalry between family values one partner with the family values ​​of the other partner. And in this case, both partners must give up something. Thus, at a higher level, they find something in common that is greater than what they previously considered to be the only true one. This is also growth. Being in tune with our boundaries When we meet someone in a difficult situation, it is often the case that we want everything to work out well for them. We want to help him. But can we do this and do we have the right to do this? Sometimes we feel that we cannot and do not have the right to do this. Something inside us prohibits us from doing this. Then we must admit: we have reached the border. This happens in many partnerships. One partner is caught up in something and the other partner doesn't know why. Very often it is something from his parental family. But not always. Sometimes the partner is captured by something else. For example, sometimes it is an abortion, which takes the partner captive and pulls him away from the relationship, sometimes even into death, at least in his thoughts and desire for it. The second partner would like to help him, but feels that it is not in his power. And it can be difficult for him to restrain himself and do nothing. He must admit that he does not have enough strength or that his understanding is not enough to help another. And in this situation, the proportionate internal position is as follows. I accept the situation as it is - with all the consequences for him and for me, for both of us. At this moment I am in tune with something Big. Then I can wait. And maybe after some time something liberating and healing will arise. But sometimes nothing appears. And then this can lead to separation. Each of the partners will follow their destiny and go their own way. Some people think that this is bad and that it would be better to find another solution. We understand such desire to help. But do we have the right to interfere? Love that lasts Love that succeeds is human, it is close to the ordinary, earthly. She recognizes that we need other people, that without other people we languish. If we recognize this in relation to each other, we give something to the other person and receive something from him. We rejoice in the fact that we can receive something, and we rejoice in the fact that we can give something. And if we, mutually respecting each other, continue to give and take, treat each other kindly and want everything to be good, both for our partner and for ourselves, then we understand what it means to love humanly. This love begins with the relationship between a man and a woman. All other relationships later grow out of this love. They are the basis of all interpersonal relationships, and we are irresistibly drawn to them. Because a man needs a woman to be whole, and a woman needs a man to be whole. They are drawn to each other by a strong attraction. This drive, which some people sometimes call instinct in a negative sense, is the most powerful movement of life. It moves life forward. Therefore, this attraction and this desire are deeply connected with the fundamental principle of life. When we recognize this, in this love we become one with the fundamental principle of life. This love and this attraction connect us to the fullness of life. The one who goes for this love receives a challenge. From this desire and from this love follows both the highest happiness and the deepest suffering. We grow in it. Anyone who decides to follow this love, after some time goes beyond its limits. This love goes far beyond partnerships, such as when this love brings children. Then this love goes further and becomes the love of parents for their children. And the love that children experience comes back and flows to their parents. This is how children grow up until they themselves begin to look for a man or a woman, and then the stream of life continues its path and flows through them further. So, if love begins, over time it includes more and more. It includes others too. But only if we have come to know and accept this love in ourselves as human. From this point of view, very great love is the most ordinary. It is this love that has the power and it continues.

Another important understanding. Happiness awaits a person outside of heaven. Growth exists only outside of heaven. Creative and constructive things began after we were expelled from paradise. Great love begins after heavenly love has passed. Devotion / dedication In devotion, on the one hand, I withdraw from myself. I'm letting go of something in myself. On the other hand, I'm heading towards something. I devote myself to him, thus I belong not to myself, but to the one to whom I gave myself. What is happening to me? Am I losing myself in devotion? Or do I find myself in devotion again, only in a new, more fulfilling way? It simultaneously allows you to leave something and find something. The question is: where does devotion begin? Is it starting for me? Does it come from me? Or was I initially attracted to something outside of me? Is my devotion only a response to something that preceded it? For example, dedication to work, play, interests, special music and, above all, of course, the people we love? For example, the devotion of us as children to our parents, the devotion of a man and woman to a beloved partner, the devotion of us as parents to our children? Devotion begins when we are seized by a movement that carries us along and makes us collected. At this moment we let go of something and surrender to this movement. Strangely, it is in devotion that we are truly in touch with ourselves. In devotion, troubles cease. In it we are both outside ourselves and within ourselves, selflessly and at the same time completely here. In it we are in something different and at the same time in motion. Where do we feel devotion most? When we look collectedly at that powerful thing that stands opposite us and attracts us and still remains incomprehensibly mysterious. And this contemplation is pure devotion and self-surrender without movement. This is devotion that remains, devotion as a real presence “here and now.”

Sincerity/intimacy

Sincere means coming from within. Sincere connection comes from within, from one to another. What is the deepest thing for us? Our soul and our heart. A sincere connection connects one soul to another and one heart to another heart. What kind of soul is this? What kind of heart is this? Is this my soul? It's my heart? Or is it a common soul, a common heart? And maybe this is a soul that goes both beyond me and beyond you? Maybe this is such a big heart that surpasses my heart and your heart? Then where do we become sincere? Inside yourself or outside? Or inside something that embraces both of us? By becoming intimate with each other, we simultaneously become intimate with something else, but at the same time maintain distance. Because this other thing remains outside of us. Therefore, we are both close and yet not close. But we are not close from the outside. We become close to each other in something that embraces us. That is, we are close to each other in something more, and this gives us confidence in our closeness and sincerity. What then happens to us when we love each other as a man and a woman? We are inside and at the same time we are outside of ourselves.

Happy children

What makes children happy? Children are happy when their happy parents look at them. Not just one, but both parents. When both parents look at the child and are happy? When they respect, love and joyfully accept in the child what is in him from his partner, man or woman. We talk a lot about love. But how does love manifest itself? the best way? When I am happy with my partner, exactly the way he is. And when I am happy with my child, exactly as he is. And it happens when parents suddenly begin to perceive the power they have over the child as an assignment. Not as your own power, but as power for some time for the benefit of the child. This, first of all, concerns mothers, since they know this power very deeply, because they live in symbiosis with the child for a long time. Some time ago I was in a course where there was a woman with a five-month-old baby whom she was breastfeeding. She was sitting next to me. I told her: “Look wider, beyond the boundaries of your child, to something that is far beyond him.” She looked behind him. Suddenly the child took a deep breath and smiled at me. He became happy. So, if parents look at children in a context that goes beyond the personal, they all become freer - both parent and child. Then they can more freely fulfill their destiny, enjoy it, and thus they let each other go as far as necessary. What is this distance into which the woman looked? This is the own destiny of each of them: her and her child. It's even something beyond fate. It is something that remains hidden to us. We remain humble before this, and despite this, we know that It leads and carries us in a special way. How to Help Troubled Children The biggest problem for children is the idea that they can or have the right to take on something for their parents or ancestors. This leads to endless problems for children. And also in a certain way for parents too. To understand this, you need to know something about the differences between different types conscience. Pure and Impure Conscience We experience our personal conscience as good and as unclean, or as innocence and as guilt. Many people think it has to do with good and evil. But that's not true. It has to do with being part of a family. With the help of his conscience, everyone instinctively knows what he must do in order to belong to his family. The child instinctively knows what he must do in order to belong to the family. If he behaves accordingly, his conscience is clear. A clear conscience means: I feel that I have the right to belong to a family. If a child steps away from this, or if we step away from this, then we have a fear of losing our right to belong. We experience this fear as a bad conscience. That is, a bad conscience means: I am afraid that I have lost my right to belong. We experience good and bad conscience differently in different groups. We even feel it differently towards different people. For example, in relation to our father we have a different conscience than in relation to our mother, and in the profession our conscience is different from our conscience at home. That is, conscience is constantly changing because our perception differs from group to group and from person to person, because depending on the group and on the person we have to do different things in order to have the right to belong. Conscience helps us distinguish those who belong to us from those who do not belong to us. By tying us to our family, conscience separates us from other groups and people, and it requires us to separate ourselves from them. Therefore, often when we follow the voice of our conscience, we experience negative or even hostile feelings towards other people and groups. This rejection is related to the need to belong and has little or nothing to do with questions of good and evil. So, this is one conscience - a personal conscience, the one that we feel. With the help of this conscience we make distinctions between good and evil, but always in relation to some specific group.

Weave

But there is another, hidden, archaic, collective conscience. This conscience follows different principles than the conscience we feel. This is the conscience of the entire group. This conscience ensures that everyone in the family obeys certain rules that are important for the survival and cohesion of the group. The first rule relating to these orders is that everyone who belongs to the system has an equal right to belong. But under the influence of the personal conscience that we feel, we sometimes exclude some of its members from the family. For example, those whom we consider bad, as well as those whom we fear. We exclude them because we believe they are dangerous to us. But this other, hidden conscience does not accept what we do with a clear personal conscience. She can't stand it when anyone is excluded. And, if this happens, then someone born later, under the influence of this hidden conscience, is doomed to unconsciously copy the life of the excluded one and replace him. This unconscious connection with the excluded person is what I call intertwining. Thanks to this, we can understand that many children in whose behavior we notice oddities, or they have a desire for suicide, or they have some kind of addiction, or something else, are associated with an excluded person. They are intertwined with him. Therefore, they can only be helped when they and other family members begin to look at this excluded person again, accept him back into the family and give him a place in their own hearts. Then the children are freed from the weave. In order to help these children, other family members who previously looked the other way must finally look at the family and see the situation in it. And those who were angry with someone or rejected him should turn to him with love and accept him into the family again. Weaving is the cause of many problems that children experience and parents' concerns about them.

Blind love

But in relation to this other, hidden conscience, another law applies. This law also leads to problems for children. This law requires that those who came into the family earlier have priority over those who came later. That is, there is a hierarchy between family members who appeared earlier in the family and family members who appeared later. And it must be respected. But many children take on something for their parents in order to help them. In doing so, they violate the hierarchy. Because then the child, under the influence of his personal conscience, internally says to his mother or father such phrases as: “I take it upon myself for you,” “I atone for you,” “I get sick for you,” “I die for you.” . All this comes from love, but this love is blind. This blind love leads to lifestyles such as addiction, or the risk of suicide, or aggressive behavior. But this lifestyle and this kind of self-harm is associated with an attempt to take on something for your parents. This is how children put themselves above their parents and disrupt order. Order When a person is aware of this hierarchy, he can restore it. This means that parents themselves must bear the consequences of their behavior and their entanglements, and be responsible for them themselves. If they do this, then the child becomes free. And he does not need to take upon himself something that has nothing to do with him, but concerns others. The thing is that violation of the original hierarchy is heavily punished by a hidden conscience. Every child who tries to take on something for their parents or other family members who came into the system before them fails miserably. Not a single attempt to take on anything for their parents was successful. It is always doomed to failure for all people. You need to know this. Therefore, children are helped to free themselves from such interference in the affairs of adults. But for this, first of all, they look at the parents so that they first solve their problem, instead of looking at the children. If the parents have resolved the problem for themselves, then the children are free. They are again at peace and feel that everything is okay with them. So, there are two basic laws that you need to keep in mind and understand if you want to help difficult children. All children are good and so are their parents When I say, “All children are good—and so are their parents,” some people may shake their heads in disagreement. How is this possible? This statement goes too far. It at the same time asserts that we are good, and that, as children, we were also good and remain good to this day. They say that our parents are also good, because they were children, that they, as children, were good, and, having become parents, also remain good. I want to explain something behind this phrase, and to do this I will move away from the foreground judgments like: “But the child did this and that, and the parents did this and that.” Yes, they did it. But why? Out of love. The conclusion here is: every person is good just the way he is. He is good precisely because he is exactly what he is. And therefore we should not worry about ourselves, our children and our parents, whether they are good or not. But sometimes our field of vision is darkened, and we do not see that we are good, that the children are good, and that their parents are good. Next, I will explain this to you in perspective.

Spiritual field

Thanks to family constellations, it became clear that we are included in a larger system, in the ancestral system. This system includes not only our parents, brothers and sisters, but also grandparents, great-grandparents and more ancient ancestors. This system also includes other people who were important to the system in one way or another, such as the former partners of our parents or grandparents. In this system, everyone is controlled by one common force. This force follows certain laws. The ancestral system is a spiritual field. Within this spiritual field - and with the help of family constellations this can be seen - everyone is in resonance with everyone. This field is sometimes a mess. Disorder in the spiritual field occurs when someone who also belongs to that field is excluded, rejected, or forgotten. These excluded or forgotten people resonate with us and influence us in the present. This is because in this field there is a basic law: all people belonging to the system have an equal right to belong. No one can be excluded. In this field, no one disappears or disappears; it continues to influence. If someone in the family is excluded, no matter for what reason, then under the influence of this field, thanks to the current resonance, another (younger) family member will be forced to replace the excluded one. The field seems to appoint him to this role. Then that family member, such as a child, behaves strangely. Perhaps he will become addicted, or aggressive, or commit a crime, or get sick. Perhaps he will even become a murderer or schizophrenic. But why? Because this person looks with love at the excluded. And by his behavior he forces us to also look with love at this rejected or excluded one. This “bad” behavior is an expression of love for someone who has been excluded from the family. Instead of looking at such a child with concern and trying to change him (which is doomed to fail in any case, because there are more powerful forces at work), we look with this child at the spiritual field to which we belong, until With the guidance of this child, we will not be able to look where the excluded person is waiting for us to look at him again and accept him back into our soul, into our heart, into our family, into our group, and perhaps into our people. So, all children are good if we allow them to be good. If instead of looking only at children, we look where they look with love. Family constellations led to a great discovery. Instead of worrying about these children or other people and thinking about them, “How can they behave like this?”, it is better to look with them at the excluded person and accept him. As soon as this person is accepted into the soul of the parents, family and group, the child breathes a sigh of relief and can finally be freed from this intertwining with another person. When we know this, we can wait until we understand where this child’s behavior is leading us, where it is leading us as parents or as other members of the family (clan). If we go there with the children and accept the other person back, it frees the children. Who else is being released? Parents and other family members. We suddenly become different, and this enriches us, because in our soul we have again given place to something excluded within us. And now, in the present, everyone gets the opportunity to act differently. With more love, with more forbearance, beyond our cheap judgments of good and evil, because of which we often think that we are better and others are worse, although others, whom we consider bad, simply show their love differently . If we look with our children to where they love, then attempts to distinguish between good and evil stop. Another takeaway is that our parents are also good, and that behind all the things we may not like about our parents, there is love at work. But this love does not flow to us, but to some other place, to where they looked as children, to someone they wanted to return again and include in the family. If we begin to give all these excluded ones a place in our souls, then we, together with our parents, look where their love flows. Then we and our parents become free. Suddenly we get to know ourselves in a completely different situation and learn what love really means. The hidden love of a child What is revealed in children through their “problem” behavior is what adults in the family (clan) need to do and what adult members of the family (clan) avoid doing. The child does it for them. He looks upon the excluded with love. Behind such behavior there is hidden love. Therefore, when working with problem children, they look not at the child himself, but where he looks. Then a healing movement begins, which frees the child, because now the adults are looking where they should be looking. Then the child no longer needs to look there for them and behave accordingly. And this is the main course of action when working with “difficult” children to help them. Just think what happens to many of these children. They are treated, stuffed with medications, as if there is something wrong with them. At the same time, children do something for others, for adults. Therefore, this way of helping children opens up a new path and completely new opportunities. But only if we look not at children, but together with them at where they are drawn and at what they want to do for adults. Then the burden is removed from them and they become free. Parents and all those concerned must change. They have to look at something they haven't looked at before. Thanks to this, development and growth begin, first in the parents. Only then do children gain freedom.

This is systemic pedagogy, a completely different pedagogy. This is the secret of arrangement work. This is helping in life in a very special way. Here I help children free themselves from the weave, and put something in order in their family systems. The disorder in the system is always the same: those who belong to the system are excluded. All victims of members of this family also belong to the family system. If someone was involved in the death of other people, perhaps he was directly responsible for their death, then these dead also belong to his family (clan). They are present in the genus system. They influence other members of this genus, they attract attention to themselves, often with the help of a child. Then the child looks at the victims. But it doesn't help if others aren't looking. After all, it is those who are actually concerned who should look there. Then the disorder can be brought into order. Order always means that something excluded is accepted. This is what I always keep in mind in my work, what I primarily focus on, now and in the future. This is the provision of assistance in life in a broader context. Family constellation makes hidden relationships visible, looking at which it becomes much easier to help children and, of course, their parents.

Example

: "I'm staying with you"

Assistant

: We are talking about a boy, he is 12 years old and he does not obey either his parents or teachers. He behaves chaotically and aggressively. His father is sick.

Hellinger

: What kind of disease?

Assistant

: Trophic ulcers on the legs and too high blood pressure.

Hellinger

(to the group): If we imagine what he described: where is the boy looking? Where does his love go?

Assistant

Hellinger

: That's completely clear. (After a little reflection): If we feel into this, what phrase does the boy say internally? He tells dad: “I’m staying with you.” What does dad tell him? "I'm glad to see you." What do you tell him as his teacher? “I see your love for your father, and I am glad for it.” There is a place in your heart for his father now, you can see it right away. If he's in your heart then you know where the boy is at good hands? Fine?

Assistant

Hellinger

Example

: Daughter doesn’t want to study

Hellinger

(to woman): What are you talking about?

Woman

: My daughter doesn't want to go to school. She's in fourth grade now. She is becoming more and more reluctant and does not want to go to school or leave the house.

Hellinger

: What's wrong with the girl's father?

Woman

: Her father is much younger than me. We were never really together. Now we are trying to break up. I have often tried to involve him in my daughter’s problem, but he is too busy with himself.

Hellinger

: How many years younger is he?

Woman

: For 22 years.

Hellinger

: 22 years younger? Ah well? Okay, then I'll start with my daughter. Hellinger chooses his daughter's surrogate and installs her. The daughter restlessly moves her fingers and rubs her hands. Then she looks at the floor. Hellinger asks her to sit in her seat for a while. He chooses a substitute for the girl's mother. This deputy turns away. She then looks at the floor and clenches her fists. She squats down and rubs her hand on the floor, as if she wants to erase something. She clenches her other hand into a fist. Hellinger asks his daughter's substitute to stand opposite her mother at some distance from her. The mother continues to diligently scrub the floor.

Hellinger

(to daughter's surrogate): Tell your mom, "I'm looking out for you."

Daughter

: I'm looking out for you. The mother continues to scrub the floor, and as she does so she looks at her daughter. The daughter comes closer to her mother. She turns away and rubs the floor with both hands. She glances briefly at her daughter, but then turns away from her again. The daughter spreads her arms as if she wants to help her mother. The mother kneels down and almost touches her head to the floor. She continues scrubbing the floor with both hands.

Hellinger

(after a while to the deputies): Okay, thank you both. (To a woman): Do you understand why your daughter wants to stay at home?

Woman

: She protects me, she wants to help me.

Hellinger

: Yes, she is afraid that you will die or commit suicide. (The woman nods understandingly and begins to cry)

Woman

: Can you help me, which direction should I look?

Hellinger

: I have no right to interfere there. There's a mystery there and I have to respect that. (The woman takes a deep breath and nods)

Woman

Hellinger

: Of course you know what we're talking about. But I don't want to know. And I have no right to know this. But your daughter knows it too. Or at least she feels it. (The woman sighs again and nods)

Hellinger

(after a while): You and your daughter can do one exercise. In the morning, before school starts, tell her, “You can count on me to stay today.” Before she leaves for school. The next morning you will tell her again: “Today I will stay. You can go to school safely.” (The woman laughs with relief)

Hellinger

Woman

: Thank you.

Hellinger

(to the group): There is a problem, and there is pure love. The child experiences pure love. Both Parents Every child has two parents. And he needs them both. A child should be able to love both parents. The child does not understand why his parents separated. They are both equally dear to him. But sometimes, when parents separate and the child remains with his mother, he is completely dependent on her. Sometimes he is afraid to show that he loves his father equally. He is afraid that his mother will get angry and that along with his father he will lose his mother. But secretly a child always loves his father. If he hears from the mother that she loved her father very much, then the child can show the mother that he also loves his father. Then the child feels relief. Interrupted movement of love A particularly common childhood trauma is the early interruption of the child’s love for his mother or father, but, most often, for his mother. If love cannot reach its goal, the child becomes sad or angry, and sometimes he despairs. This anger or despair or sadness is the other side of love that failed to achieve its goal. When, as adults, such people want to approach another person with love, the memory of the previous early experience awakens in their body, and then they interrupt the movement of love towards other people. Thus, they cannot love and walk in a vicious circle. Every time they come to a point where they start to feel the old feelings again, they stop and stop their movement of love. Instead of moving on, they turn away and begin to move in a circle, leave and again return to the point where the movement of love was interrupted long ago. In the next relationship and with another person, the running in a circle is repeated, and again the movement of love goes only to the mentioned point. This circular movement always comes back to the same point, it does not go forward, and this condition is called neurosis. This is a movement in a circle, an eternal return to the point where the movement of love for someone important was interrupted.

How to subsequently bring the interrupted movement of love to the goal

With the help of parents

The best person to bring a child’s early interrupted love movement to its goal is the mother. Because the interrupted movement of love in a child usually goes towards her. When the child is small, it is easy for the mother to do this. She embraces the child, holds him lovingly close to her and holds him tightly until the child's love, which due to the interruption has turned into anger and sadness, can again flow freely to her and the child relaxes in her arms. For an adult child, the mother can also help bring the interrupted movement of love to the goal and eliminate the consequences of the interruption. At the same time, she also hugs him and holds him in her arms for some time. But in this case the process must be transferred to the time when the movement of love was interrupted. It is there that it needs to be restored, leading to the goal to which it was directed. Because it was that child who wanted to go to that mother, and today he still wants to fall into the hands of that particular mother. Therefore, while being held in an embrace, both the child and his mother should internally return to the past and feel like the child and mother from that time. Here the following question arises: how is it that something that has been separated for a long time is reconnected? Here I want to give an example. The mother was worried about her adult daughter. But the daughter avoided her mother and rarely visited her. I told the mother to hug her daughter again, like a mother might hug her sad child. At the same time, she did not need to do anything in reality, but only allow this image to act in her soul until the process went on its own. She later said that a year later her daughter came home, she quietly and heartily clung to her mother, and her mother held her in her arms for a long time and tenderly. Then the daughter got up and walked. Neither she nor her mother said a single word. With the help of substitute parents If the mother or father is not around, substitutes can take their place. In the case of a small child, this could be relatives or those who raise them; with an adult child, this could be a psychotherapist with experience in this. But the assistant or therapist is waiting for the right time. He connects internally with the mother or father of the child. He acts only as their deputy and on their behalf. He loves the child, being in the place of his parents, and directs the child’s love, which at first glance is directed towards him, past himself to the parents. As soon as the child internally comes to his parents, the helper steps aside. So, despite the intimacy of what is happening, he maintains his distance and remains internally free.

Deep bow

The movement of an adult child towards his parents is sometimes hindered by the fact that he despises his parents or reproaches them, because he thinks that he is better than them, or he wants to be better than them, and sometimes because he is dissatisfied with what they give it to him. In this case, a deep bow must first be made to the parents, and then a movement of love towards them must be carried out. This deep bow is primarily an internal process. But it gains depth and strength when it is carried out in reality. For example, when in a therapeutic group they do a parental family constellation and the “child” kneels in front of his substitute parents, bows to the floor in front of them, stretches out his hands to them with open palms and palms turned up and remains in this position until he will be able to say to both or one of them: “I respect and honor you (you).” Sometimes they add: “I’m sorry”, or “I didn’t know”, or “I missed you very much”, or simply “Please!” Only after this can the “child” get up, lovingly go to his parents, hug them heartily and say: “Dear Mom,” “Dear Mommy,” “Dear Dad,” “Dear Daddy,” or simply: “Mom,” “Mommy.” ”, “Dad”, “Daddy”, or in another way, as the “child” called his parents. It is important here that substitute parents do not say anything during the entire process, but, most importantly, that they do not go to the “child” when he bows before them, but, replacing his parents, accept respect and honor until they will not be given enough respect, and what divides them will not melt away. Only when a movement of love towards them arises, they also go to meet the “child” and accept him into their arms. If during a family constellation it is clear that the client is not able to make a bow and movement of love towards his parents himself, this can be done by his deputy, who speaks and does everything necessary for him. Sometimes this is even more effective than when the client carries out this process himself. The movement of love that goes further, beyond the parents The movement of love towards our parents and bowing before them succeeds when they go further through our parents, beyond their limits. If such a bow is successful, we recognize it as agreement with our origin and its consequences and as the deepest process of agreement with our destiny. If the movement of love and bow is successful in this full sense, then the client, as a child of his parents, can stand erect and with self-esteem next to his parents, as if on the same level with them, neither above them nor below them.

Helping children with stories

It often happens that children internally know what they need. But they don't want it pointed out to them. This must come from your own inner awareness. Then the children are told certain stories that help them find a way out of a difficult situation. Stories need to be told with inner unity with the sensible part of the child, with love and with trust. There's something else to consider here. The subconscious does not know denial. If parents, for example, say to their child: “Make sure you don’t fall!”, the child’s soul hears: “Look, don’t fall!” The soul does not hear denial. Therefore, it is useful to formulate sentences in an affirmative form, without negation. For example: “Be careful!”, “Have a good trip to school,” “Be careful with the knife.” Therefore, it is important to positively formulate the phrases that the child says in the story.

The water tap is leaking

Sometimes parents have problems because their now grown children wet the bed. Such children can be told stories with small scenes inserted into them. For example, they turn off a water faucet from which water was dripping, or repair a gutter. For example, Little Red Riding Hood comes to her grandmother, just wants to open the door and notices that the drainpipe is leaking. Then she says to herself, “I’ll fix the drain first.” She goes to the barn, gets some tar, sets up a stepladder, climbs up it, repairs the gutter so that water doesn't drip onto the porch, and then she goes downstairs and goes into her grandmother's house. Or one little dwarf comes to Snow White, who lives with the seven dwarves, in the morning and complains that the roof was leaking, and when he was sleeping, water dripped onto him through the roof, and he woke up in the morning completely wet. Snow White tells him: “I’ll take care of it and repair the roof.” When the gnomes were at work, she climbed up and saw that only one tile had moved out of place. Then Snow White put the tiles back in place. When the gnome came home in the evening, he was so tired that he forgot to ask about the roof. In the morning he forgot to ask again, because everything was in order. One man, whose daughter suffered from enuresis, told her similar tales in the evenings, and they immediately had an effect. The next morning her bed was dry. But at the same time he noticed something else that was strange and unusual. Previously, when he told his daughter fairy tales in the evenings, she always made sure that he told the story exactly, without adding or subtracting anything. But this time, when he deviated from the plot, she did not protest, but took him for granted. In this example, we see that the knowing soul of the child unites with the narrator. The soul wants to find a solution, but in such a way that it is not told about it directly, and so that the child can act in a new way, having received an internal push. Of course, the child accepted what his father told him, otherwise it would not have worked. But since the father did not directly name the problem, he respected the child’s shame. The child felt respected. The father acted so carefully that the child himself was able to change. After all, the child knew very well that he was wetting the bed. We don't need to tell him about this. And he knows very well that he shouldn’t wet the bed. And there is no need to tell him about this. If we give him advice or rub his nose in his problem, he will feel like a failure. If the child follows the advice, the parents will increase their self-esteem, and the child’s self-esteem will decrease. Therefore, the child protects himself from loss of self-esteem by rejecting advice. And precisely because we gave him advice, he feels the need to do the opposite in order to protect his dignity. Dignity is the most important thing for every person, including a child. And he can follow the advice only when he feels deep love in the advice. Farewell In the present, we are often disturbed by something old from our childhood. After all, we constantly carry with us different periods of our history. Together with me in the present there are simultaneously: I am two years old, I am five years old, I am ten years old, I am fourteen years old, I am seventeen years old, etc. And we all walk together in a crowd. Do you understand? That is, each of us is a group consisting of different age periods of ourselves. Sometimes it becomes ballast that we carry with us everywhere. The transition from one period of life to another is successful if what happened before can remain in the past. Then the transition is successful. That is, when a person enters the door, what was outside remains outside. Only if we don’t willingly drag it along with us because we feel sorry and find it difficult to leave something behind. There is a biblical story about a certain Jacob. He spent the whole morning wrestling with the angel at the Yabbok River. Then they wanted to separate. Jacob said to the angel, “I will not let you go until you bless me.” The same thing happens with our different age periods. The little child will only let us go when he blesses us and we are open to the child's blessing. This works for any age, but especially for a small child. What makes us happy What makes people happy? That is the question. Which person is the happiest? When were we the happiest? The most happy man happens at the mother's breast. Does anything else bring greater happiness than this soul connection? This still applies to us today. Our greatest happiness comes from attachment to our mother - and then to our father. If in the course of our life something has separated us from our mother, then we become empty. Without a mother we are empty. Then we feel that we are missing something. Basic Feeling Many years ago, I was in Chicago for four weeks as a visiting therapist for a couple of therapists. At one of the groups, the presenter said that every person has a basic feeling. He constantly returns to this feeling because this basic feeling is where he feels the least amount of stress. Each person can immediately determine how things are going with his basic feeling. For example, a person imagines a scale from minus one hundred to plus one hundred. The presenter said that no one can ever change his basic feeling, that every person constantly returns to his basic feeling. We can test this for ourselves: where are we on this scale from minus one hundred to plus one hundred? Are we in the minus region, and where exactly? Or are we in the positive area, and at what point? Every person knows this for sure. If you look at other people, you will immediately understand this too. You can immediately see where a person is on this happiness scale. The group leader argued that a person cannot change this basic feeling. But my surprising discovery was that it can be changed. I changed it myself. That's how I noticed it. At one family therapy seminar, a therapist worked with me personally. His name was Les Cadiz. With his help, I suddenly saw everything that my mother had done for me. I was shocked how much she did for me. She was always there. And she was a courageous woman. During National Socialism it was impossible to seduce her into anything. When I was denied a high school diploma because I was a potential enemy of the people, she went to the school authorities and fought for me like a lioness. After that, I received my certificate while already serving in the army. So, I suddenly realized what a special woman my mother was. Suddenly I was able to accept her into my heart, all of her, just as she was. At the same time, I noticed how my basic feeling suddenly rose by 75 points. 75 points. So connection with mother creates happiness. She makes people happy.

Happiness in partnerships

Where do most people look for their happiness? Of course, in partnerships. And here I made a special discovery. Tell? If both partners are in contact with their mother, they will be happy. Some people are lonely. Some women are lonely and some men are lonely. Well, okay, I formulated my discovery in one phrase: without a mother there is no partner. Some women say: “Finally, I want a man.” But it's not that simple. First you need to establish contact with your mother, only then will you get a man. Without a mother there is no man. This, of course, works for men too. Without a mother there is no wife. But here I don’t know for sure, because some women want to take the place of a mother for a man and thus make him happy. But we know what comes of it. So, this is the first path to happiness where we stay connected to our roots and from there we grow and become happy. Present moment I want to say something more about happiness. What is the secret of happiness? When exactly does happiness exist? At present. All happiness exists in the present moment. What prevents happiness? Leaving the present moment when a person looks either to the past or to the future. Then he forgets about the present, and along with the present moment he forgets about the happiness of this moment. Staying in the present is a high level of discipline that we can practice. All life exists in the present moment, only in the present moment. At the moment she is completely here. In the present moment, now, life is full. We open our hearts wide to this moment, we rejoice in this moment, and we are grateful for this moment. There is no regret and no fear in the present moment. All fears are in the future. All regrets are in the past. In the present moment we live without regret and without fear. Why are children often so happy? Because they are only in the present moment. I want to say something else about the present moment. Living from moment to moment also means dying from moment to moment. At every moment a person leaves the old behind him, in the past.

Example

: Problem with work

Man

: It's about work.

Hellinger

: The work problem can be solved very simply. Hellinger places the man first and then the work substitute opposite him. The work takes a step back and turns away.

Hellinger

: No wonder you don't have a job. She doesn't like you. Work doesn't like you. She's mad at you because you don't respect her. Work escapes you. But it's not about work. Well, who is actually at the place of work?

Man

: It was something that is very far from me. There was no movement towards her.

Hellinger

: Who did she represent here, work? - She stood in for your mother. Without a mother there is no work. What harm did you do to her?

Man

: At the moment I feel that she has turned away.

Hellinger

: My question was very specific.

Man

: I left home.

Hellinger

: What does it mean?

Man

: I have little contact with her. I turned away.

Hellinger

: What harm did you do to her?

Man

: I turned away from her.

Hellinger

(to the group): I think he will remain unemployed. Nothing can be done here. Without a mother there is no work. Whoever turns away from his mother turns away from work - and work turns away from him.

To a man

: You did something bad to her, you hurt her. Close eyes. The man covers his face with his hands and begins to sob.

Hellinger

(after some time): Is your mother still alive?

Man

: Yes. My father has already died.

Hellinger

: You still have a chance with your mother. Now you have made contact with her, good, very good. I'll give you some specific recommendations. You will write your mother a letter. You will internally walk through your childhood, starting from the moment you were born, and look at all that she did for you. And you will write to her about this, and that you take all this into your heart. You will take into your heart everything that she gave you. (The man nods)

Hellinger

: Exactly. And at the end of the letter you will write her one more thing: “You can always count on me.” (The man is very touched)

Hellinger

: Now you will quickly find a job. (Both laugh loudly)

Hellinger

(to the group): He became happy. Fine. Mothers make us happy, no doubt about it.

To a man

: Ok, I'll stop there. Accept parents completely

Hellinger

(to the group): I would like to say something else in this regard. Sometimes we look at our mother and our father and think: there is something wrong with them. They are not perfect. Some people have very strange expectations from their parents, as if they should be like God. Not exactly the same, but, of course, a little better. It's terrible how much harm we do to our parents with such expectations. Then we take upon ourselves the right to hold them accountable for not being like God. After all, only thanks to the fact that they were ordinary people with their own mistakes, almost the same mistakes that we ourselves make, we grew up and became adapted to life. I made another amazing discovery from my own experience. I just told you how my basic sense has greatly increased. I accepted my mother into my heart - and completely. At the same time, it was surprising that everything for which I blamed my mother and believed that it should have been better, all this remained “outside the door”, went away. Very surprising. When we accept mother and father into our hearts as they are, they remain whole in our hearts without that which we objected to. It's a wonderful experience. It helps other people when I talk about it. Be happy by being kind to all people What makes people happy? What makes me happy? How do I become happy? When I am disposed towards all people, towards everyone, and equally. Just because I like people doesn't mean I love them all emotionally. This means that I treat all of them with respect and spiritual love. That I am disposed towards them, following the creative movement that operates behind everything, and which is equally disposed towards everything. I can't imagine it any other way. If I deprive someone of my affection, I lose my happiness. How does it happen that one person excludes another? This happens when he thinks that he is better than someone else. All those who think they are better than others exclude someone. All those who give someone a negative assessment or condemn someone exclude that person. This arrogance comes from morality. If you think about it, this arrogance goes so far that an arrogant person, based on morality, says: “This one has the right to live, but this one does not.” Isn't this arrogance behind morality monstrous? But moralists are never happy. This is absolutely true. Happiness comes from liking people. This affection for people is an exercise and work throughout life. This is the real achievement of a lifetime. Fundamentally, this is nothing more than a friendly attitude towards every person. I wish every person well and am favorable to him. We can feel in ourselves what is happening in us when we practice this. Perhaps there are people we are angry with. Then you need to look at this person and tell him: “I wish you all the best - in every way.” Benevolence makes a person happy. And vice versa, when you wish another person harm, it makes not only him unhappy, but also you. You can check your goodwill and update it. I often double-check it myself. And I noticed that when I become restless or nervous, it means that I am no longer in touch with my soul and my heart. Then I sit down in the evening - if I cannot do it in the evening, then, at the latest, the next morning - and ask myself: “To whom have I refused my benevolence?” And these people immediately appear before my inner gaze. Then I look at them kindly again, just like that, kindly and without judgment, just kindly. And then I calm down again. This is another way to become happy: to be happy by being kind to people.

Happiness and unhappiness

As soon as we leave the people from the past alone in the present, if we no longer take on anything for them and if we allow them to go their own way, they will find their peace. It is bad when some people think that they still have to do something for the dead. And then they, for example, take revenge or take on something for the dead, or try to fix something. Thus they interfere in something that does not concern them. This is one of the reasons that makes a person unhappy and leads to unhappiness. Maybe I need to elaborate a little more on what's behind things like this.

Happiness of belonging

One of my main discoveries concerns how the conscience functions. I, speaking figuratively, returned conscience from heaven to earth. Because I saw that conscience is an instinct, and not something spiritual. A dog also has a conscience. Have you noticed that dogs also sometimes have a bad conscience? So, conscience is something instinctive. It can only be found in groups or flocks. If a pack member has done something that would exclude him from the pack, his conscience becomes guilty. Then he changes his behavior in order to again belong to the pack. Conscience binds us to groups that are important to our survival. It binds us, first of all, to these groups, and also to all other groups with which we want to be associated. Conscience is an instinctive organ of perception. Conscience can be compared to the vestibular apparatus. The vestibular apparatus is also an instinctive organ of perception, with the help of which we can immediately determine whether we are in balance or not. Likewise, we can immediately understand through our conscience whether we can still belong to a group or not. As soon as we have done something that could lead us to exclusion from the group, we have a guilty conscience. Then we change our behavior in order to again be able to belong to the group. When we can belong to a group, we feel happy and innocent. This is fundamentally the greatest desire that every person has, the desire to belong to a group. That is why there is no greater misfortune than being excluded. How do we punish criminals? Of course, with the exception. We put them in jail or kill them. An exception is the worst thing that can happen. Conversely, the greatest good for a person is the opportunity to belong. That is, with the help of conscience, we know what is good for the group and what is bad for it.

Blind happiness I want to dwell on this in more detail. The child does everything to belong to the group. Belonging is more important to him than his own happiness and his own life. In order to belong, many people even sacrifice their lives, such as soldiers or many people who stand up for others. They, as they say, are ready to sacrifice their lives for the good of society. But here it's all about belonging. When is a person especially revered? When he sacrificed his life to do something for the group he belongs to. Sometimes, in order to belong, a person internally utters phrases. For example, he says to his dead mother or his dead father or his dead brothers and sisters, “I follow you.” There is a lot of love behind this. But it is love that leads to death. Or if a child feels that his mother or his father wants to die, then he tells them internally: “I will die instead of you.” And then he might die or get sick. We see this, for example, in the case of anorexia. Those suffering from anorexia say in their hearts: “I would rather disappear than you.” Who? "Dear Dad". Typically they say this. Most of the time they do it for the father. This is Love. This love comes from conscience. When such children or adults die, they all do so with a clear conscience. They feel innocent, and even happy. My God, what happiness this is! And what a misfortune this is for those to whom they say: “Better me than you!” How does a father feel when his daughter internally tells him: “I will die in your place”? Will this make him happy? This is the need that is dictated by conscience. On the one hand, it makes a person happy, on the other hand, it is not in tune with life. Great happiness is in harmony with life. Happiness is more than a feeling of innocence Another fundamental discovery is that there are two kinds of conscience: one in the foreground and the other in the background, hidden. This hidden conscience exists unconsciously in our culture. This is an archaic conscience. This conscience is older, it was before the conscience based on the morality that we feel. This conscience is a group conscience. She makes sure that certain laws are followed in the group. The first law states: group conscience does not tolerate exceptions. With a conscience based on morality, we exclude other people, considering ourselves better than them. But in group conscience there is no such thing. Everyone who belongs to a group has the same right to belong. This is an ironclad rule of group conscience. Now imagine an ancient tribe, people who lived in tribes. Could they exclude anyone? Can you imagine this? This conscience kept them together. No one could be excluded. This would be the worst thing for the tribe. It never even occurred to them. Everyone belonged to a group. There are still primitive groups today. They show that this archaic (primordial) conscience could do anything. Some time ago I spoke in Canada with an Indian chief. He told me that there is no word for justice in their language. They have no conscience in the sense in which we understand it. With this conscience they would immediately begin to cry out for justice. They are in tune with the original conscience. I asked the leader: “What are you doing with the murderer then?” He replied: “The victim’s family is adopting him.” That is, they do not exclude people. In this culture, people are not excluded. They live in harmony with an archaic conscience. This conscience also operates in us, but deeply subconsciously. How does it work? If I exclude someone from my heart, I become exactly like him. Something else. Later, some member of the group (system) will have to replace the excluded one, identifying with him, but he himself does not know about it. This is weaving. It emerges from the action of an archaic conscience. This archaic conscience follows another basic law, namely: everyone who comes later to the group comes later in all respects. This means: everyone who came to the group earlier has an advantage over those who came to the group later. Therefore, no one who came later has the right to take on anything for those who were in the group earlier, no matter what it is. Any violation of this law is strictly punished by misfortune. Violation of this law leads to misfortune. If a person says, “I will follow you,” he is breaking this law. If a person says: “I take it upon myself for you,” he violates this law. But he breaks this law with a clear conscience. This is special because two consciences are opposed to each other. How can we achieve happiness? If we give priority to the archaic conscience. This means refusing to remain innocent before a morally based conscience. Archaic conscience demands more. Then we are connected to many more people.

Tragedies

All tragedies, including family tragedies, arise because one of those born later, with the best intentions, takes on something for the one born earlier. For example, he wants to avenge him or take on something for him. All tragedies end with the death of the hero, although his conscience was clear and he acted out of love. So, happiness is more than a feeling of innocence. A lot more. And this is work. Mental labor - through awareness and understanding. Being in resonance with each other Sometimes we can help a person by telling him one single phrase. How can I do that? I use one image to illustrate this. Imagine a couple: a man and a woman next to him. Both vibrate in their own range, their range. Everyone has their own sound. And although they sound different, they vibrate together, in resonance with each other. This is a relationship that is in consonance. But at the same time, something else happens in the soul. If they both only stay in their range, it won't be enough. They simultaneously rise to the overtones of their range. And the higher they rise, the more similar they become to each other. And then they rise to a spiritual level where they vibrate in resonance with each other. If you want, you can test this for yourself. Parents can do the same with their children. Each child has his own sound. The parents vibrate in their own range and rise to the overtones. And at one fine moment, parents and children begin to vibrate together, in resonance with each other. But there's something else to think about here. There are also undertones that go deeper. This cannot be verified mathematically. This is an image. But the soul feels it. There, in the depths, we can also vibrate in resonance with others. Why did I tell this? We can only become happy if we learn to empathize and can vibrate in resonance with others. And when a person comes to me and asks me to help him solve some problem, I also go to his level of vibrations and feel his vibrations. But not into its usual vibrations, but into overtones, where we begin to vibrate into resonance. Then something spiritual comes into play. From this resonance, sometimes in one moment I understand what is needed for a solution. Often it is only one phrase, and sometimes even one word. And then that's all that's needed. This type of help is an extreme compression of this work. It is filled with acceptance and respect, without creating any kind of relationship. Everyone remains in their own field on their own, and at the same time a resonance arises for a short time.

Primordial Power

Rilke wrote in one short poem: “Every life is a gift.” Every life is a gift: my life is a gift, my partner's life is a gift, my parents' life is a gift, my children's life is a gift, every life that exists in nature is a gift. What does it mean? Behind our life there is a primordial force, the fundamental principle or primordial source of all life, which acts equally in every life, including suffering. That is, if a partner suffers, another, more powerful force suffers in him. You can say it differently: God suffers in him. In every suffering creation, God suffers. And vice versa. If a person behaves destructively, for example, a murderer or soldiers in a war, or bandits, etc. Who is acting here? Do they work? Or does God work through them? We defend ourselves against this notion. But do we have the right to do this? Is there any other consideration that comes closer to this reality and is more consistent with it? And, if a person agrees with this consideration, what effect does it have: God suffers in everything, and God acts in everything, in the same measure? The coherence of destruction and creation, both, illness and recovery, or destruction and progress, the incredible change of one by the other that occurs in everything: everything that happens is a divine movement. The coherence of suffering and joy, destruction and creation, life and death is divine variability. The same force acts in both one and the other. And it is this variability that moves the world forward. Everything creative comes from this conflict, in which there is defeat and victory, both. Thanks to this, the world moves forward. Peace If we reason in this way, we must completely abandon ourselves, as if we alone are important, as if our suffering is important, as if our grief is important or our happiness. Or as if our success, or our life, or our death is important. In one of his poems, “Stanzas,” Rilke describes it this way:

and like sand, the world flows through your fingers,

and how many queens swarm before him,

and in white marble he carves

beauties, giving them kings,

consonance that turned out to be a body;

in the same stone is the life of the goals.

He is the one who takes everyone and everything into his hands,

ready to play with brittle blades;

a lot of blood has flowed through my veins

since our life is his village;

I don't think he did anything bad

but he is defamed with evil tongues.

(translation by V. Mikushevich)

We immediately become incredibly calm. We perceive everything as it is and agree with it. By becoming so calm, we come into tune with this movement, such as it is. Then something big operates in us. Not ordinary, but something big: consonance with the whole, as it is. In this consonance, we can meet the other person as he is, exactly as he is. Because the divine acts in him only as he is. Exactly as he is, and not otherwise. To agree with man as he is, with his suffering and his joy, with his life and his death, brings us into tune with great movements. We look away from ourselves. And what then does my “I” mean? Then something infinite carries us.

Family constellations

The future of family constellations What seemed quite simple at the beginning of family constellations has, over time, reached dimensions that present us with challenges that we could not foresee at the beginning of the work. These are spiritual dimensions that have a power that scares some people. They prefer to hold on to the original family constellations and even go back even further, combining family constellations with other methods, partially subordinating them to these methods. What came as a shock to many people was that in spiritual family constellations, in most cases, a constellation in the usual sense is no longer needed. And, moreover, the constellations in the form in which they were used at the beginning often even stand in the way of deep decisions.

Here I am talking about family constellations, during which the client selects substitutes for his family members from among the group members and places them in space in relation to each other. Substitutes are then asked how they feel standing in that spot. Their responses provide indications of what needs to be changed in the lineup and who else may need to be added to it. The solution is found when everyone feels good in their places. From these constellations arose a deep understanding of the orders of love in human relationships. These insights were a breakthrough. They opened up new possibilities for solutions and assistance that were previously unavailable.

However, the most important understanding, the real, amazing understanding, did not come from family constellations. But it pointed the family constellations in a certain direction in which they continued to develop, and to which there is no end in sight. This understanding is spiritual understanding. This is a gift for us on the spiritual path of knowledge. It was an understanding of how our conscience works. Not only our conscience, which we feel as a good or bad conscience. This was, first of all, an understanding of that conscience, which today we are practically not aware of, which follows different laws than our conscious conscience.

Field of conscience

Only this understanding opened the door for family constellations to a spiritual field that connects members of the same family so that they all become destiny for each other. Here the family is understood in a broad sense, and it also includes those people who are not blood relatives to the rest of the family members, but who, through their destinies, exert influence in the family connected by blood ties. This spiritual field, if left to its own devices, resists change. For example, what was not resolved in one generation is repeated in a similar way in the next. Because unresolved things bind family members to each other and thus give them confidence and security. This is the security of belonging. And what is it that keeps this spiritual field intact and leads to the repetition of the unresolved? This is conscience.

Movements of the soul

And so, thanks to this new type of family constellation, another dimension of this spiritual field was revealed. The modus operandi was very simple. Instead of placing a family in the conventional sense, only one or two people were placed, sometimes one client or his deputy, and sometimes along with him the person with whom he had a conflict, for example, the person whom the client rejected. Suddenly the client and other deputies were seized by an internal movement that they could not resist. This movement always goes in one direction. It connects what was previously disconnected. It is always a movement of love. It interrupts the repetition of the unresolved and opens up solutions beyond our conscience. The most important thing was that there was practically no need for external guidance. The soul itself sought and found a solution, which was often completely impossible to foresee in advance, and which was often located on the other side of the usual orders of love. Of course, only if she was given enough space and time, and if the leader of the constellations himself was in tune with this dimension of the soul and allowed himself to be led by it. How? If, also on the other side of the boundaries of conscience, he unites with love in his heart what was separated. At first I called this type of family constellation “movements of the soul.” I also believed that these movements come from a field that fatefully connects family members to each other. But after some time it turned out that there was another spiritual dimension at work here, on the other side of the field of conscience, that we must distinguish the spiritual field of conscience from this more extensive spiritual field.

Movements of the Spirit

What was the underlying spiritual understanding here that led further? The movement of the spirit is a creative movement that sets and holds in motion everything that moves and determines how it moves. This spirit is behind every movement as it is and accepts it as it is. Therefore, we can come into tune with this movement and remain in tune with it only when we, in the same way, accept everything as it is. And, above all, when we accept all people as they are, and their families, and their destinies, and their guilt. Here it becomes clear that what this ultimately means for us and for family constellations is when we follow the movements of this spirit, or, to put it more precisely, when the movements move us and we move in tune with them. Can we bypass this understanding and go back? Only by paying a high price for it. What is the price? We plunge back into the sphere of influence of conscience and into a movement against all-encompassing love. I followed this path of the spirit. This path leads to a different future of family constellations, to spiritual family constellations, to a spiritual future. Afterword by the scientific editor

Where can you make a high-quality family constellation and who can teach family constellations? Due to the great demand for systemic family constellations from clients and the high effectiveness of the method, recently cases of constellations being carried out by people who do not have not only a basic education in family constellations, but sometimes even psychological, counseling or medical education. All this leads to negative consequences for clients and to discrediting the method of systemic family constellations. Therefore, if you decide to make a family constellation for yourself, ask where the specialist you are contacting received his education. In Russia and the Russian-speaking space there are only two internationally recognized institutes that train specialists in family constellations and other types of constellation work. One of them is the Institute for Consulting and System Solutions (ICSR). You can see the list of our graduates on our website www.mostik.org in the section “certified presenters in systemic constellations.” ICSR is the leading institute in the Russian-speaking space, training qualified arrangers in accordance with all international standards. Our institute is officially recognized by IAG-ISCA (International Society for System Solutions) and Bert Hellinger. ICSR has achieved official recognition in Russia of the “System-phenomenological approach and system constellations (SFPiSR)” as a psychotherapeutic modality. The list of officially recognized modalities can be found on the website of the Professional Psychotherapeutic League (PPL) at www.oppl.ru in the “committees (modality committee)” section. If you have any doubts about the qualifications of a particular family constellation specialist, you can leave a request on our website. We will check to see if the practitioner has been trained by a recognized constellation institute and provide you with an answer. But an even more dangerous trend is that recently “specialists” have appeared who offer to teach how to conduct family constellations in one or two seminars. Often these are people who have not even received a recognized basic education in family constellations. Naturally, this is not acceptable. It is impossible to learn how to conduct family constellations by reading books, watching videos, or even watching the work of a recognized master. These are only additional forms of training. Teaching family constellations includes not only learning a craft, it, like teaching an artist, should touch the very soul of the future constellation, and often heal it in the process of this training. It is impossible to bring a client to his mother if the constellation leading this constellation has problems with his own mother. It is impossible to help a client complete a previous relationship if the constellator himself is carrying trails of unfinished relationships in his life. Only one who has done the same work with himself can work with the soul of another person. Teaching family constellations is a long process that takes at least two years according to a special IAG-ISCA approved program and is primarily focused on practice. Training can only be carried out in IAG-ISCA recognized institutes and only by certified trainers who have an international IAG-ISCA qualification. To protect the professional space of systemic constellations, ICSR has registered the rights to the name “Constellation” in the field of psychological, educational, consulting, consulting and medical services. Any commercial use of the name “Arrangement” and any phrases containing it without the consent of the copyright holder (ICSR) is prohibited. Only graduates of our institute (IKSR) can use the name “Arrangement” in their professional activity. Our institute, as far as possible, monitors the processes occurring in the market of constellation services and suppresses the facts of unprofessional constellation activities, but, naturally, we cannot cover and control the entire space of our vast Russia and other Russian-speaking countries. Protecting clients from unprofessional work is impossible without the active participation of not only trained and certified arrangers, but also ordinary people. We ask you to inform everyone interested about where you can get a family constellation from trained specialists and where you can get quality education on family constellations. Your help is also needed to warn “constellation pirates” about their personal and legal responsibility, both to clients and to the professional community. We ask you to show active position and inform us of individuals and organizations when they systematically violate professional ethics and professional boundaries. In the near future, for more complete information about our graduates, ICSR plans to post on its website www.mostik.org business cards of certified specialists in family and system constellations, indicating telephone numbers, email addresses, web pages, places of work, etc. If you decided to do a family constellation, then contact our graduates, and if you want to learn how to conduct family constellations yourself, then we are waiting for you at our institute.

Director of ICSR, certified trainer

in systemic arrangements, Ph.D. Mikhail Burnyashev

Bert Hellinger

The happiness that remains. Where family constellations lead us

What is the secret of happiness?

“Happiness is not something fleeting that comes and goes,” says Bert Hellinger, “there is also a happiness that remains with us.” But lasting happiness depends largely on our connection to our roots, and it is often hampered by unresolved problems in relationships that are important to us.

Using the family constellation method, Bert Hellinger explains how, by untying family entanglements, it is possible to improve relationships - between husband and wife, between children and parents.

Using many touching examples, he shows how to find happiness that will stay with us - because he feels good with us.

Dear readers

Many people around the world, in a relatively short period of time, have been able to experience the impact of family constellations and where they take us. In our relationships they lead to happiness that lasts. In this book I have collected and described what family constellations have revealed about the happiness that remains. And above all, I describe what they revealed about life and about love. What happiness remains with us, in our relationships and in our lives? That happiness that feels good to us because we respect it and share it with others. How do we share it with others? So that we are friendly towards other people and wish them all the best in all areas of life. Then our happiness rejoices. It feels good with us and favors us - staying with us. It gives us the impulse for love that remains. Where does it remain in this movement? - Happy.

Yours Bert Hellinger

Complete happiness

Surprise

“It’s quite simple,” say many of those who took part in the constellations for the first time. A person chooses from a group of complete strangers who will replace his parents, brothers and sisters, including himself, arranges them in space relative to each other and sits down in his place. And suddenly he has an epiphany: “What, this is my family? I had a completely different idea of ​​her in my head.”

What happened? Everyone was looking in the same direction. And he himself, that is, his deputy, stood at a great distance from the family. Then, when I asked the deputies how they were feeling, it turned out that they were missing someone. Then I placed another deputy in front of them, in the place where they were looking. Their faces brightened. They began to feel better.

It was a typical family arrangement. It couldn't be simpler. But what did it really reveal? The man said that he had a brother who died immediately after birth. In the future, the family did not remember him, as if he no longer belonged to it.

Complete means in full force

My happiness will be complete if everyone who belongs to my family has a place in my heart. If someone, as in the previous example, is excluded or forgotten, then a search begins within us for him. We feel like we're missing something, but we don't know where to look. Sometimes such a search leads to addiction, and sometimes to a search for God. We feel an emptiness in ourselves and want to fill it.

Who am I missing?

We can check who we are missing by turning inside ourselves. It will take five minutes. We close our eyes and internally approach everyone who belongs to our family.

We look them in the eyes, including those who have long since died. We tell them: “I see you. I respect you. I give you a place in my soul." We immediately feel ourselves becoming more fulfilled.

And we immediately feel if someone is missing. For example, someone who was forgotten, someone whom the family perceived as ballast, someone whom they wanted to get rid of. And we look them in the eye too. We tell them: “I see you. I respect you. I give you a place in my heart, a place that belongs to you." And again we feel how it affects us and how we become more fulfilled.

Full health

One of the important insights that was revealed to me in family constellations concerns our health, complete health.

Many illnesses represent people that we or our family want to get rid of, that we have forgotten or excluded. We can also check this by turning inside ourselves.

For this we will also need five minutes. We turn our inner gaze to our body and listen to where something hurts or where there is some kind of disease.

How do we usually react to this? We want to get rid of what hurts us or makes us sick. Just like we or our family wanted to get rid of some person.

But now we act differently. We lovingly accept into our soul and into our heart that which causes us pain and that which is sick. We tell him: “You can stay with me. In me you can find peace." In doing so, we pay attention to the effect it has on our body and what it evokes and awakens in it. Often the pain subsides and we feel better.

At the next stage, we try to feel who this illness or pain is associated with. With what excluded or forgotten person? Perhaps someone we or our family have wronged?

After a while we already know this, or we will have a guess. Now we, together with our pain and our illness, look at this person. We tell him: “Now I see you. Now I respect you. Now I love you. Now I give you a place in my heart."

How do we feel after this? How does our illness feel? How does our pain feel? Here “complete” also means in full force.

"I'm staying now"

In one large school in Mexico City, some teachers and parents came to me because they were worried about the children. They wanted to help these children. For example, one teacher was worried about a 14-year-old boy who did not want to go to school anymore. Then I asked this teacher to stand up and put this boy next to her. The boy's parents were also present there. I placed them opposite the boy and the teacher.

When I looked at the boy, I saw that he was sad. I told him, “You are sad.” Tears immediately began to flow - and so did his mother. Everyone could see that the boy was sad because his mother was sad.

I asked my mother what happened in her family of origin. She replied: “I had a twin sister who died during childbirth.” That is, she was missing her twin sister. And her family also missed her deceased twin sister. But she was forgotten in this family, since it was too painful for living family members to think about her and remember her.

Bert Hellinger - The happiness that remains

Where family constellations lead us

Gliick, das bleibt

Wie Beziehungen gelingen

Stuttgart KREUZ 2008

Institute of Consulting and System Solutions Moscow 2010

Translation from German: Diana Komlach Scientific editor: Ph.D. Mikhail Burnyashev

Bert Hellinger

The happiness that remains. Where family constellations lead us. - M.: Institute of Consulting and System Solutions, 2010. - 151 p.

ISBN 978-5-91160-020-4

© Bert Hellinger, 2008

© Institute of Consulting and System Solutions, 2010

“Happiness is not something fleeting that comes and goes,” says Bert Hellinger, “there is also a happiness that remains with us.” But lasting happiness depends largely on our connection to our roots, and it is often hampered by unresolved problems in relationships that are important to us.

Using the family constellation method, Bert Hellinger explains how, by untying family entanglements, it is possible to improve relationships - between husband and wife, between children and parents.

Using many touching examples, he shows how to find happiness that will stay with us - because he feels good with us.

What is the secret of happiness? 5

Complete happiness 13

Surprise 13

Full means in full force 14

Who am I missing? 14

Full health 15

"Now I'm Staying" 17

"Mom, I'm coming" 20

What helped 22

Love 23

"I love you" 23

Basso continuo 24

Love that binds and love that sets 24

Love at second sight 29

Families resonate 31

Perfection/completeness 31

How love and life work together 33

What allows partners to grow side by side

each other 35

Learn love from parents 35

Take with love 36

Accept beyond good and evil…. 37

Meditation: Preparing for Partnerships 39

Creative and Divine 41

Grow in partnerships 42

How do our partnerships work out?

relationship 43

Sexual relations 43

Love Hearts 44

Living together 45

Love and Order 46

Everyday life of partnerships 50

"Please" 53

"Thank you" 54

Disappointment 55

Old connections remain 55

Spiritual Fields 57

Example: Labyrinth of the Soul 58

Community Linked by Destiny 61

One more thing about partnerships... 65

Men and women are different

apart 65

Families also differ from each other 67

Be in tune with our boundaries 69

A love that lasts 70

Devotion/dedication 73

Sincerity/intimacy 75

Happy children 77

What makes children happy? 77

How to help difficult children 79

Knowing Love 79

Good and bad conscience 79

Weave 81

Blind Love 83

Order 84

All children are good and their parents too 85

Spiritual Field 87

Hidden love of a child 91

Order 92

Example: “I'm staying with you” 94

Example: Daughter does not want to study 95

Both parents 99

Love Movement Interrupted 99

How to subsequently bring the interrupted movement of love to the goal 101

Helping Parents 101

With the help of substitute parents. 102

Deep bow 103

Helping children with stories 106

The water tap is leaking 107

Farewell 110

What makes us happy 112

What makes people happy? 112

Basic feeling 112

Happiness in partnerships 114

Present moment 115

Example: Problem with work 117

Accept parents completely 120

Be happy thanks to a friendly attitude towards all people 121

Happiness and unhappiness 124

Happiness of Belonging 125

Blind happiness 126

Happiness is more than a feeling of innocence 128

Tragedies 131

To be in resonance with each other 132

Primordial power 134

Calm 136

Family constellations 138

The future of family constellations 138

Start 139

Conscience 139

Field of conscience 140

Movements of the soul 141

Movements of the Spirit 143

Afterword by the scientific editor

Where can I make a quality family constellation and who can teach family constellations 145

Dear readers

Many people around the world, in a relatively short period of time, have been able to experience the impact of family constellations and where they take us. In our relationships they lead to happiness that lasts. In this book I have collected and described what family constellations have revealed about the happiness that remains. And above all, I describe what they revealed about life and about love. What happiness remains with us, in our relationships and in our lives? That happiness that feels good to us because we respect it and share it with others. How do we share it with others? So that we are friendly towards other people and wish them all the best in all areas of life. Then our happiness rejoices. It feels good with us and favors us - staying with us. It gives us the impulse for love that remains. Where does it remain in this movement? - Happy.

Yours Bert Hellinger

Complete happiness

Surprise

“It’s quite simple,” say many of those who took part in the constellations for the first time. A person chooses from a group of complete strangers who will replace his parents, brothers and sisters, including himself, arranges them in space relative to each other and sits down in his place. And suddenly he has an epiphany: “What, this is my family? I had a completely different idea of ​​her in my head.”

What happened? Everyone was looking in the same direction. And he himself, that is, his deputy, stood at a great distance from the family. Then, when I asked the deputies how they were feeling, it turned out that they were missing someone. Then I placed another deputy in front of them, in the place where they were looking. Their faces brightened. They began to feel better.

It was a typical family arrangement. It couldn't be simpler. But what did it really reveal? The man said that he had a brother who died immediately after birth. In the future, the family did not remember him, as if he no longer belonged to it.

Complete means in full force

My happiness will be complete if everyone who belongs to my family has a place in my heart. If someone, as in the previous example, is excluded or forgotten, then a search begins within us for him. We feel like we're missing something, but we don't know where to look. Sometimes such a search leads to addiction, and sometimes to a search for God. We feel an emptiness in ourselves and want to fill it.

Current page: 1 (book has 7 pages in total)

Bert Hellinger
The happiness that remains. Where family constellations lead us

What is the secret of happiness?

“Happiness is not something fleeting that comes and goes,” says Bert Hellinger, “there is also a happiness that remains with us.” But lasting happiness depends largely on our connection to our roots, and it is often hampered by unresolved problems in relationships that are important to us.

Using the family constellation method, Bert Hellinger explains how, by untying family entanglements, it is possible to improve relationships - between husband and wife, between children and parents.

Using many touching examples, he shows how to find happiness that will stay with us - because he feels good with us.

Dear readers

Many people around the world, in a relatively short period of time, have been able to experience the impact of family constellations and where they take us. In our relationships they lead to happiness that lasts. In this book I have collected and described what family constellations have revealed about the happiness that remains. And above all, I describe what they revealed about life and about love. What happiness remains with us, in our relationships and in our lives? That happiness that feels good to us because we respect it and share it with others. How do we share it with others? So that we are friendly towards other people and wish them all the best in all areas of life. Then our happiness rejoices. It feels good with us and favors us - staying with us. It gives us the impulse for love that remains. Where does it remain in this movement? - Happy.

Yours Bert Hellinger

Complete happiness

Surprise

“It’s quite simple,” say many of those who took part in the constellations for the first time. A person chooses from a group of complete strangers who will replace his parents, brothers and sisters, including himself, arranges them in space relative to each other and sits down in his place. And suddenly he has an epiphany: “What, this is my family? I had a completely different idea of ​​her in my head.”

What happened? Everyone was looking in the same direction. And he himself, that is, his deputy, stood at a great distance from the family. Then, when I asked the deputies how they were feeling, it turned out that they were missing someone. Then I placed another deputy in front of them, in the place where they were looking. Their faces brightened. They began to feel better.

It was a typical family arrangement. It couldn't be simpler. But what did it really reveal? The man said that he had a brother who died immediately after birth. In the future, the family did not remember him, as if he no longer belonged to it.

Complete means in full force

My happiness will be complete if everyone who belongs to my family has a place in my heart. If someone, as in the previous example, is excluded or forgotten, then a search begins within us for him. We feel like we're missing something, but we don't know where to look. Sometimes such a search leads to addiction, and sometimes to a search for God. We feel an emptiness in ourselves and want to fill it.

Who am I missing?

We can check who we are missing by turning inside ourselves. It will take five minutes. We close our eyes and internally approach everyone who belongs to our family.

We look them in the eyes, including those who have long since died. We tell them: “I see you. I respect you. I give you a place in my soul." We immediately feel ourselves becoming more fulfilled.

And we immediately feel if someone is missing. For example, someone who was forgotten, someone whom the family perceived as ballast, someone whom they wanted to get rid of. And we look them in the eye too. We tell them: “I see you. I respect you. I give you a place in my heart, a place that belongs to you." And again we feel how it affects us and how we become more fulfilled.

Full health

One of the important insights that was revealed to me in family constellations concerns our health, complete health.

Many illnesses represent people that we or our family want to get rid of, that we have forgotten or excluded. We can also check this by turning inside ourselves.

For this we will also need five minutes. We turn our inner gaze to our body and listen to where something hurts or where there is some kind of disease.

How do we usually react to this? We want to get rid of what hurts us or makes us sick. Just like we or our family wanted to get rid of some person.

But now we act differently. We lovingly accept into our soul and into our heart that which causes us pain and that which is sick. We tell him: “You can stay with me. In me you can find peace." In doing so, we pay attention to the effect it has on our body and what it evokes and awakens in it. Often the pain subsides and we feel better.

At the next stage, we try to feel who this illness or pain is associated with. With what excluded or forgotten person? Perhaps someone we or our family have wronged?

After a while we already know this, or we will have a guess. Now we, together with our pain and our illness, look at this person. We tell him: “Now I see you. Now I respect you. Now I love you. Now I give you a place in my heart."

How do we feel after this? How does our illness feel? How does our pain feel? Here “complete” also means in full force.

"I'm staying now"

In one large school in Mexico City, some teachers and parents came to me because they were worried about the children. They wanted to help these children. For example, one teacher was worried about a 14-year-old boy who did not want to go to school anymore. Then I asked this teacher to stand up and put this boy next to her. The boy's parents were also present there. I placed them opposite the boy and the teacher.

When I looked at the boy, I saw that he was sad. I told him, “You are sad.” He immediately began to cry, and so did his mother. Everyone could see that the boy was sad because his mother was sad.

I asked my mother what happened in her family of origin. She replied: “I had a twin sister who died during childbirth.” That is, she was missing her twin sister. And her family also missed her deceased twin sister. But she was forgotten in this family, since it was too painful for living family members to think about her and remember her.

Then I chose a substitute for my deceased twin sister. I placed her away from the others and turned her so that she was facing outward, as it was in reality in this family.

Everyone looked at the dead twin sister, and, above all, the boy's mother. So I placed her behind her twin sister and her gaze was also directed outward. And I asked her, “How do you feel here?” She said, “I feel good here.”

Then I put the boy in his mother's place behind her twin sister and asked him how he felt here. He also said, “I feel good here.”

What did you find here? The mother was drawn to her dead twin sister and wanted to follow her into death. Her son felt this, and then in his soul he decided: “I will die instead of you, mom.”

No wonder he didn't want to go to school anymore. Why should someone who wants to die teach anything else?

Here you can see the impact it has when someone is excluded, when someone loses their place in the family.

What is the solution here? It's very simple. The deceased twin sister is accepted back into the family and takes her rightful place.

How was this done in this family constellation? I placed my dead twin sister next to my mother. They embraced heartily with tears in their eyes. And thus, the mother no longer had to follow her twin sister into death. Her sister was by her side in her family.

Everyone in the family immediately felt better, especially the husband. We can easily imagine how he lived with his wife, since all these years he internally felt that she was being drawn to death.

I asked my wife to look her husband in the eyes and tell him, “Now I’m staying.” She said this, and they both, happy, rushed into each other's arms.

She then turned to her son. She also looked into his eyes and said: “Now I’m staying, and I’ll be glad if you stay too.” The boy beamed and his sadness passed.

"Mom, I'm coming"

One woman suffered greatly because her daughter broke off relations with her many years ago. She read my book “Orders of Love” and realized that her daughter was internally connected with people who were excluded from the family. She thought of two faces: her husband's first wife and her father-in-law.

In the evening she lit one candle in honor of her husband's first wife. She imagined herself standing in front of her and looking into her eyes. She bowed deeply before her and said, “I pay tribute to you.”

The next evening she did the same for her father-in-law. She lit a candle in his honor and imagined herself standing in front of him and looking into his eyes. She bowed deeply before him and said, “I pay tribute to you.”

The next day her daughter called her and said: “Mom, I’m coming.”

Price

Who in the family is most often deprived of their place? Parents' former partners or grandparents' former partners. But they are the ones who make room for future partners and future children, and often they are the ones who pay a high personal price for their happiness.

It is through the example of previous partners, when they are denied due respect and love, that we most often see the far-reaching consequences this has on the family.

In family constellations it is often found that a child born in a new relationship replaces the previous partner. Such a child adopts and carries his feelings and shows them towards his parents. He represents this partner in the family and sometimes takes over and bears his fate.

What helped

One friend told me that his little son sometimes drives him and his wife to white heat with his behavior. He said: “My son knows exactly what sets us off and he won’t rest until he gets it. And then we can hardly control ourselves.”

I told him: “You’ve already been married once. Don’t you know that children from a second marriage are reminiscent of their previous partners in their behavior?”

He asked me: “What should we do? My wife has the same situation. She also had another man before me.”

I told him, “Next time you feel resentment, look beyond your son and remember your first wife and inwardly look at her with respect and love. And let your wife do the same with her first husband.”

Four weeks later we met again. “You know,” he said, “it helped right away.”

Love

"I love you"

Who has the right to say “I love you”? What happens in his soul when he says this phrase? And what happens in the soul of the person to whom this phrase is addressed?

The one who really says this has a trembling soul. Something gathers in it, rises like a wave and carries him along with it. Perhaps he is protecting himself from her out of fear, not knowing where she will lift him and on which shore she will throw him.

And the one to whom this phrase is addressed may also be trembling. He feels that it is this phrase that changes in him, as much as it possibly takes him into service and forever determines his life.

There is also a fear here about whether we can bear this phrase and agree with it in its full meaning and open ourselves to it, regardless of whether we say it ourselves or someone says it to us.

But there is no more beautiful phrase that touches us so deeply and connects us so heartily with another person. This is a humble phrase. It makes us small and big at the same time. And it makes us supremely human.

Basso continuo

The couple's relationship is performed like a baroque concert. Many beautiful melodies sound in the heights and they are accompanied by basso continuo. He leads, connects and carries the melodies, giving them weight and fullness. In partnerships, basso continuo sounds like this: “I take you, I take you, I take you. I take you to be my wife. I take you to be my husband. I take you with love and give myself with love.”

Love that binds and love that sets free

When a man and a woman meet, the man notices that he is missing something, and the woman notices that she is missing something.

What, after all, is a man without a woman, and what is a woman without a man? A man focuses on a woman, and a woman focuses on a man. When they unite, each of them gets what he lacks. A man gets a woman and a woman gets a man. For a man to agree that he is missing a woman, and for a woman to agree that she is missing a man, is not easy. And it's humbling. At the same time, everyone recognizes their boundaries.

Some want to avoid this recognition, for example, by saying that a man is trying to develop the feminine in himself, and a woman is trying to develop the masculine in herself. Because then the man no longer needs the woman, and the woman no longer needs the man. Then they can exist without each other.

Relationships in a couple are successful if both, man and woman, agree that they lack the other, that in order to become perfect, they need the other. If they give each other what the other lacks, they become perfect and whole.

And the pinnacle of love between a man and a woman is sexual relations. Sexual relations are what a couple's relationship is heading towards. They are the greatest fulfillment of life and surpass all others, including spiritual ones. Thanks to them, we are in tune with the essence of the world. So what else takes us to the service of the basis of life more, and on what else do we grow more, if not on these relationships and their consequences?

There is something else connected with this relationship. Through sexual relations there is a connection. After sex, the couple can no longer free themselves from each other. Therefore, it cannot be treated as if it were something insignificant. It has far-reaching consequences.

What a connection means and how deep it is, we can understand from the pain and feelings of guilt and deprivation that a couple experiences when they separate. They cannot truly separate until they feel this connection and agree with it.

The impact this has on subsequent relationships can be understood by the fact that the child from the subsequent relationship replaces the partner from the first relationship. He has the feelings of this partner, and he shows them in front of his parents. This means that you cannot play with your previous relationships. They continue to act.

We can also observe the following. When a couple breaks up, and each finds another partner and then breaks up again, the pain and guilt during the second breakup is less than during the first. During the third breakup, pain and guilt decrease even further, and after some time they cease to play any role at all. And, as a rule, partners in later relationships do not dare to accept their new partner as cordially and sincerely as the first.

A solution is possible here if, after breaking up, they continue to respect and love their former partner. This is not always possible for both partners equally. Then something painful remains for both of them.

Sex

For the soul, the word “sex” is unacceptable because it lacks soulfulness, depth, all-encompassing passion, knowledge of each other, as well as knowledge and discovery of oneself in another person.

And what power, in contrast to this, does the old and today condemned word “voluptuousness” have! It feels movement, ardor, passion, intertwining of bodies, energy, embrace, swiftness, climax and blissful relaxation. Compared to this ardor, sex is cold and the same as a quick meal compared to a luxurious meal.

Voluptuousness is life, exciting and amazing in its power, and it is fruitful in every sense. From it comes something that goes far beyond the personal and related to oneself. But it cannot be controlled, it overflows, because it is controlled and carried by something Bigger. The soul rejoices in it.

Maybe that's why we should use this word again? No. It is too vulnerable, like something sacred. But the best thing would be to remove the word “sex” from use. It, together with everything that we put into it, is rather a “foreign”, alien word for the soul.

Love at second sight

When a man meets a woman for whom he feels a special attraction, and when a woman meets this man and feels a special attraction for him, both of them are overcome by an incredible feeling of happiness and desire that takes over them completely. They feel this feeling of happiness and this desire as love. Then, when the man says to the woman, “I love you,” and when the woman also says to him, “I love you,” they unite and become a couple.

But is this first love that they feel for each other and that they confess to be strong enough to bind themselves to each other for a long time? Even if after some time it turns out that the different paths they have followed so far have connected them so spiritually only for a while? Or maybe they will join their paths for a long time, and, above all, if they become not only a couple, but also parents. But will these paths continue to connect them, if later they may diverge in different directions? What do a man and a woman actually know about each other in their sublime feeling of first love? What do they know about the dark sides of each other’s parental families, about each other’s special destinies and special destiny? The question is: when will what has been hidden come to light, what will help their love survive this reality and continue to exist?

We feel that something else must be added to the first declaration of “I love you” that will prepare the couple for this larger context and lead them into the breadth and depth that will allow the couple to grow and move beyond the boundaries of first love. A phrase that includes this broader context and prepares partners for it might sound like this: “I love you, and I love what leads me and you.”

What happens when a man says this phrase to a woman, and a woman says it to the man: “I love you, and I love what leads me and you”? They suddenly begin to look beyond themselves and their desires. They are looking at something bigger, something that goes beyond their boundaries. Even if for a long time they will not be able to understand the special demands that this phrase places on them, and do not understand what fate awaits each of them, both individually and together. After love at first sight, this phrase prepares them for love at second sight and makes it possible.

Families resonate

Love is not a personal matter. It is not a man as “I” who says to a woman: “I love you.” He's too small for that. This, of course, applies to women as well. Behind them are their parents and clan, and destinies. And through this phrase they all have a powerful effect on the couple. That is, when a man says to a woman, “I love you,” everyone behind him resonates with him. A huge symphony energetically resonates with him. Then we are not fixated only on each other, but our families resonate with us. This is a wonderful image.

Perfection/completeness

When a man and woman meet for the first time, they are attracted to each other, often irresistibly strong. They see themselves as separate individuals, as “I” and “You”. But behind the man are his mother and father, his grandparents, his brothers and sisters and everything that happened in his family - the whole system. I have an image: the entire system that stands behind a man is waiting for a woman - and not just him alone. The same applies to a woman. When a man sees a woman, he should know that behind her are her father and mother, her grandparents, her brothers and sisters, the whole system. And this system is waiting for a man. Both systems expect that they may be able to complete something that was left unsolved in their past. At the same time, the man’s system looks not only at the woman. She also looks at her system. Both systems are entering a fateful community, and in that community they may want to solve something special, to finally solve it.

Therefore there is no relationship between two people in volume the form in which we often imagine it. A relationship between two people is a dream. We are all woven into a certain field, into a large family. If in the husband's family or in the wife's family someone has been excluded, such as former partners, or an aborted child, or a child given up for adoption, or a mentally retarded child, or some family member who was shamed, then the excluded family member will be present in a new relationship and in a new family. Therefore, both partners, man and woman, must accept the excluded family member into the new family. Only then do they both become free for their relationship.

Bert Hellinger -The happiness that remains

Where family constellations lead us

Gliick, das bleibt

Wie Beziehungen gelingen

Stuttgart KREUZ 2008

Institute of Consulting and System Solutions Moscow 2010

Translation from German: Diana Komlach Scientific editor: Ph.D. Mikhail Burnyashev

Bert Hellinger

The happiness that remains. Where family constellations lead us. - M.: Institute of Consulting and System Solutions, 2010. - 151 p.

ISBN 978-5-91160-020-4

© Bert Hellinger, 2008

© Institute of Consulting and System Solutions, 2010

What is the secret of happiness?

“Happiness is not something fleeting that comes and goes,” says Bert Hellinger, “there is also a happiness that remains with us.” But lasting happiness depends largely on our connection to our roots, and it is often hampered by unresolved problems in relationships that are important to us.

Using the family constellation method, Bert Hellinger explains how, by untying family entanglements, it is possible to improve relationships - between husband and wife, between children and parents.

Using many touching examples, he shows how to find happiness that will stay with us - because he feels good with us.

What is the secret of happiness? 5

Complete happiness 13

Surprise 13

Full means in full force 14

Who am I missing? 14

Full health 15

"Now I'm Staying" 17

"Mom, I'm coming" 20

What helped 22

Love 23

"I love you" 23

Basso continuo 24

Love that binds and love that sets 24

Love at second sight 29

Families resonate 31

Perfection/completeness 31

How love and life work together 33

What allows partners to grow side by side

each other 35

Learn love from parents 35

Take with love 36

Accept beyond good and evil.... 37

Meditation: Preparing for Partnerships 39

Creative and Divine 41

Grow in partnerships 42

How do our partnerships work out?

relationship 43

Sexual relations 43

Love Hearts 44

Living together 45

Love and Order 46

Everyday life of partnerships 50

"Please" 53

"Thank you" 54

Disappointment 55

Old connections remain 55

Spiritual Fields 57

Example: Labyrinth of the Soul 58

Community Linked by Destiny 61

One more thing about partnerships... 65

Men and women are different

apart 65

Families also differ from each other 67

Be in tune with our boundaries 69

A love that lasts 70

Devotion/dedication 73

Sincerity/intimacy 75

Happy children 77

What makes children happy? 77

How to help difficult children 79

Knowing Love 79

Good and bad conscience 79

Weave 81

Blind Love 83

Order 84

All children are good and their parents too 85

Spiritual Field 87

Hidden love of a child 91

Order 92

Example: “I'm staying with you” 94

Example: Daughter does not want to study 95

Both parents 99

Love Movement Interrupted 99

How to subsequently bring the interrupted movement of love to the goal 101

Helping Parents 101

With the help of substitute parents. 102

Deep bow 103

Helping children with stories 106

The water tap is leaking 107

Farewell 110

What makes us happy 112

What makes people happy? 112

Basic feeling 112

Happiness in partnerships 114

Present moment 115

Example: Problem with work 117

Accept parents completely 120

Be happy thanks to a friendly attitude towards all people 121

Happiness and unhappiness 124

Happiness of Belonging 125

Blind happiness 126

Happiness is more than a feeling of innocence 128

Tragedies 131

To be in resonance with each other 132

Primordial power 134

Calm 136

Family constellations 138

The future of family constellations 138

Start 139

Conscience 139

Field of conscience 140

Movements of the soul 141

Movements of the Spirit 143

Afterword by the scientific editor

Where can I make a quality family constellation and who can teach family constellations 145

Dear readers

Many people around the world, in a relatively short period of time, have been able to experience the impact of family constellations and where they take us. In our relationships they lead to happiness that lasts. In this book I have collected and described what family constellations have revealed about the happiness that remains. And above all, I describe what they revealed about life and about love. What happiness remains with us, in our relationships and in our lives? That happiness that feels good to us because we respect it and share it with others. How do we share it with others? So that we are friendly towards other people and wish them all the best in all areas of life. Then our happiness rejoices. It feels good with us and favors us - staying with us. It gives us the impulse for love that remains. Where does it remain in this movement? - Happy.

Yours Bert Hellinger

Complete happiness

Surprise

“It’s quite simple,” say many of those who took part in the constellations for the first time. A person chooses from a group of complete strangers who will replace his parents, brothers and sisters, including himself, arranges them in space relative to each other and sits down in his place. And suddenly he has an epiphany: “What, this is my family? I had a completely different idea of ​​her in my head.”

What happened? Everyone was looking in the same direction. And he himself, that is, his deputy, stood at a great distance from the family. Then, when I asked the deputies how they were feeling, it turned out that they were missing someone. Then I placed another deputy in front of them, in the place where they were looking. Their faces brightened. They began to feel better.

It was a typical family arrangement. It couldn't be simpler. But what did it really reveal? The man said that he had a brother who died immediately after birth. In the future, the family did not remember him, as if he no longer belonged to it.

Complete means in full force

My happiness will be complete if everyone who belongs to my family has a place in my heart. If someone, as in the previous example, is excluded or forgotten, then a search begins within us for him. We feel like we're missing something, but we don't know where to look. Sometimes such a search leads to addiction, and sometimes to a search for God. We feel an emptiness in ourselves and want to fill it.

Who am I missing?

We can check who we are missing by turning inside ourselves. It will take five minutes. We close our eyes and internally approach everyone who belongs to our family.

We look them in the eyes, including those who have long since died. We tell them: “I see you. I respect you. I give you a place in my soul." We immediately feel ourselves becoming more fulfilled.

And we immediately feel if someone is missing. For example, someone who was forgotten, someone whom the family perceived as ballast, someone whom they wanted to get rid of. And we look them in the eye too. We tell them: “I see you. I respect you. I give you a place in my heart, a place that belongs to you." And again we feel how it affects us and how we become more fulfilled.

Full health

One of the important insights that was revealed to me in family constellations concerns our health, complete health.

Many illnesses represent people that we or our family want to get rid of, that we have forgotten or excluded. We can also check this by turning inside ourselves.

For this we will also need five minutes. We turn our inner gaze to our body and listen to where something hurts or where there is some kind of disease.

How do we usually react to this? We want to get rid of what hurts us or makes us sick. Just like we or our family wanted to get rid of some person.

But now we act differently. We lovingly accept into our soul and into our heart that which causes us pain and that which is sick. We tell him: “You can stay with me. In me you can find peace." In doing so, we pay attention to the effect it has on our body and what it evokes and awakens in it. Often the pain subsides and we feel better.

At the next stage, we try to feel who this illness or pain is associated with. With what excluded or forgotten person? Perhaps someone we or our family have wronged?

After a while we already know this, or we will have a guess. Now we, together with our pain and our illness, look at this person. We tell him: “Now I see you. Now I respect you. Now I love you. Now I give you a place in my heart."

How do we feel after this? How does our illness feel? How does our pain feel? Here “complete” also means in full force.

"I'm staying now"

In one large school in Mexico City, some teachers and parents came to me because they were worried about the children. They wanted to help these children. For example, one teacher was worried about a 14-year-old boy who did not want to go to school anymore. Then I asked this teacher to stand up and placed this boy next to her. The boy's parents were also present there. I placed them opposite the boy and the teacher.

When I looked at the boy, I saw that he was sad. I told him, “You are sad.” Tears immediately began to flow - and so did his mother. Everyone could see that the boy was sad because his mother was sad.

I asked my mother what happened in her family of origin. She replied: “I had a twin sister who died during childbirth.” That is, she was missing her twin sister. And her family was also missing her deceased twin sister. But she was forgotten in this family, since it was too painful for living family members to think about her and remember her.

Then I chose a substitute for my deceased twin sister. I placed her away from the others and turned her so that she was facing outward, as it was in reality in this family.

Everyone looked at the dead twin sister, and, above all, the boy's mother. So I placed her behind her twin sister and her gaze was also directed outward. And I asked her, “How do you feel here?” She said, “I feel good here.”

Then I put the boy in his mother's place behind her twin sister and asked him how he felt here. He also said, “I feel good here.”

What did you find here? The mother was drawn to her dead twin sister and wanted to follow her into death. Her son felt this, and then in his soul he decided: “I will die instead of you, mom.”

No wonder he didn't want to go to school anymore. Why should someone who wants to die teach anything else?

Here you can see the impact it has when someone is excluded, when someone loses their place in the family.

What is the solution here? It's very simple. The deceased twin sister is accepted back into the family and takes her rightful place.

How was this done in this family constellation? I placed my dead twin sister next to my mother. They embraced heartily with tears in their eyes. And thus, the mother no longer had to follow her twin sister into death. Her sister was by her side in her family.

Everyone in the family immediately felt better, especially the husband. We can easily imagine how he lived with his wife, since all these years he internally felt that she was being drawn to death.

I asked my wife to look her husband in the eyes and tell him, “Now I’m staying.” She said this, and they both, happy, rushed into each other's arms.

She then turned to her son. She also looked into his eyes and said: “Now I’m staying, and I’ll be glad if you stay too.” The boy beamed and his sadness passed.