Alimony
25.09.2022

Susan forward "men who hate women and women who love them" self-therapy, translation on one leg. Susan Forward - Susan Forward's toxic parents. Men who hate women and women who love them


"Nobody in their right mind would stay with someone like me. The only reason Jeff is still with me is because he loves me.
When Nancy first came to see me, she was thirty pounds overweight and suffering from ulcers. She was wearing old, baggy jeans and a shapeless sweater, her hair was stuck together, her nails were bitten until they bled, her hands were shaking. When she married Jeff, she was a fashion consultant for one of the major Los Angeles department stores. Her work included travel to Europe and the Far East, where she selected designer clothing for the store. She always dressed in the latest fashions and dated amazing men, and a number of articles were written about her as an example of a woman who achieved success before she was thirty. When I saw her, thirty-four years old, she was so ashamed of herself that she rarely left the house.
Nancy's self-esteem began to decline, apparently, when she married Jeff. At first, in response to my questions about her husband, she burst into a long list of positive adjectives.
He is wonderful. He is charming, witty and dynamic. He always gives me little pleasant surprises, sends me flowers in memory of our first night of love. Last year he made another surprise: he bought two tickets to Italy to fly there for my birthday.
She told me that Jeff, a very busy and successful lawyer in show business, always made time to be with her, and despite what she looked like now, always wanted her to be there for business dinners and parties.
I used to love going out with him and his clients, because we still hold each other’s hands, like a little girl and a little girl. All my friends are jealous of me. One said, "He's special, Nancy." And I know he is. But look at me! I don't understand what happened. I'm depressed all the time. I have to pull myself together or I'll lose him. Someone like Jeff , will not tolerate a wife like me for long. He can have anyone, even movie stars. I am happy that he tolerates all this for so long.
When I looked at Nancy and her appearance, I asked myself: “What doesn’t fit here?” There is some fundamental contradiction here. Why would this woman, a talented specialist, be depressed when she is so loved? What happened to her during four years of marriage that changed her appearance and self-esteem so much?
I insisted that she tell me more about her relationship with Jeff, and gradually the picture became clearer.
The only thing that bothered me about it was that it exploded quickly.
“What do you mean ‘explodes quickly’?” - I asked. She let out a short laugh.
He begins to have what I call King Kong syndrome, he screams and generally makes a lot of noise. He also often offends me, as, for example, when we were having dinner with friends and discussing some play. I then tried to get a word in, and he cut me off: “Will you shut up?” And then he told his friends: “Don’t pay attention to her. She’s always ready to do something stupid.” I felt such humiliation that I wanted to seep inside the upholstery. Then the piece wouldn’t go down my throat.
Nancy burst into tears as she recalled several more humiliating scenes of Jeff calling her stupid, selfish, or inconsiderate. In a rage, he often shouted at her, slammed doors and threw objects.
The more I questioned her, the clearer the picture became. Here was a woman who was desperately trying to find a way to appease her husband, who was often either angry and hostile or charming.
Nancy said that she often walked for a long time like a sleepwalker, his cruel words continued to burn her ears. During the day she periodically cried for no reason.
In fact, it was Jeff who insisted Nancy quit her job when they got married. Now she felt that she would not be able to return to her career.
Now I don’t even have the courage to go to an interview, let alone make serious purchases. I don't feel empowered to make decisions because I have lost my self-confidence.
Jeff made all the decisions throughout their marriage. He insisted on complete control of all aspects of their life together. He managed spending, selected people to communicate with, and even decided what Nancy should do while he was at work. He ridiculed any of her opinions if they differed from his own, and when he was dissatisfied, he shouted at her, even in public. Any deviation from the course he had set would result in a disgusting scene.
I told Nancy that we had a lot of work ahead of us, but I convinced her that it was time for her to feel less shock. I explained that we would carefully examine her relationship with Jeff and that her confidence was not completely lost, it was somewhere else. Together we will bring her back. When Nancy left after the first session, she felt more confident and less lost. I started to get nervous.
Nancy's story came as a shock to me. I knew that as a psychotherapist, my response to patients was part of an important professional toolkit. I establish an emotional connection with the people I work with, which helps me understand their experiences more quickly. But there was something else here. When Nancy left my office, I felt uncomfortable. This is not the first time a woman has come to me with a similar problem, and I have already had the same strong reactions. I could no longer deny that I was shocked by the fact that Nancy's situation was too similar to mine.
Outwardly, I looked like a confident, fulfilled woman who had everything. I spent my days working in my office, in the hospital, and in the clinic with patients, trying to help them gain self-confidence and renewed spiritual strength. But at home the situation was completely different. My husband, like Jeff, was charming, sexy, romantic, and I fell madly in love with him at first sight. But I soon discovered that there was anger and rage hidden within him, that he had the ability to make me feel worthless, inadequate, unbalanced. He insisted on controlling all my actions, beliefs, feelings.
I, Susan, as a psychotherapist, could say to Nancy: “Your husband’s behavior does not sound like love. In fact, it is more like psychological violence.” Yes, but what did I tell myself? The same Susan who, when she came home in the evening, wriggled like a snake so that her husband would not shout at her. The same Susan who continued to tell herself that her husband was a wonderful person, that he was so wonderful, and if not, then she only had herself to blame.
For several months, I carefully compared what was happening in my marriage and in the relationships of my patients who found themselves in a similar situation. What actually happened? What kind of behavior pattern was this? Although it was usually women who came to me for help, it was the behavior of men that caught my attention. Their partners described them as charming and even loving, but they had the ability to turn cruel, critical, and insulting at a moment's notice. The range of manifestations was the widest: from obvious hostility and threats to subtle, hidden attacks that took the form of constant retaliation or destructive criticism. Regardless of the form, the result was the same. Men achieved control by reducing women to zero. These men also refused to take responsibility for the feelings the attacks caused in their partners. On the contrary, they blamed their wives and lovers for all the troubles.
From my experience working with couples, I knew that there are two sides to every marriage. It is easy for a psychotherapist to identify with a patient when we see only one side of the coin. Although, definitely, both partners contribute to the destruction and conflicts. However, when I began meeting the partners of my patients, I realized that their suffering was nothing compared to the pain of their companions. Women suffered. All of them were distinguished by a radical drop in self-esteem and many other symptoms and syndromes. Nancy suffered from ulcers, obesity and lost her former appearance; some became alcoholics or drug addicts, others suffered from migraines, gastrointestinal disorders, bulimia and anorexia, and insomnia. Their careers were crumbling, their bright future was fading. Previously successful and talented women began to doubt their abilities and judgment. They experienced depression, fits of crying, and increasingly frequent attacks of anxiety. In all of these cases, the problems began during the partnership or marriage.
As I began to see a clear pattern in all of these relationships, I began to discuss it with my colleagues. All of them were familiar with the type of men I described, all of them had to treat patients who were their wives, lovers, daughters. But it came as a complete surprise to me that, knowing about this type, no one had yet given a full description of it.
At this stage I began to study literature. Since men did not feel the pain they inflicted on their partners, I first looked at the descriptions different types antisocial behavior. Such people usually have little ability to feel guilt, remorse, or anxiety. No matter how unpleasant these emotions are, they are necessary indicators of the ethics and morality of our relationships with other people.
I knew that there were two main recognized types of antisocial behavior. Firstly, narcissism. These people are focused solely on themselves. They enter into relationships with other people to confirm their specialness in this world. Men of this type often move quickly from one relationship to another in search of love and admiration. Peter Pans and Don Juans belong to this type; they are often called “incapable of love.”
The type of men I was looking for was different. They seem to love passionately, and in many cases are capable of long-term relationships with one partner. In addition, their primary need was different from the narcissistic one, since they needed CONTROL more than ADMISSION.
At the other end of the spectrum of antisocial behavior types were extremely dangerous sociopaths who created chaos around them. They use and exploit everyone who comes into their orbit. Lies and deceit are second nature to them. They can be either simple bandits or successful professionals who chronically commit economic crimes. The most striking characteristic of sociopaths is their complete lack of conscience.
However, the men I tried to describe were often unusually responsible and competent in their interactions with society. His destructive behavior was not generalized, as in the case of sociopathy. On the contrary, it was very focused. Unfortunately, it was almost exclusively focused on the partner.
His weapons are words and mood. While he would never lay a hand on a woman, he systematically torments her with psychological abuse that causes the same emotional damage as physical abuse.
I wondered if these men took some sort of perverse pleasure from the pain and suffering they inflicted on their partners. Maybe they are actually sadists?
Moreover, many of those with whom I discussed my observations convinced me that many women associated with such men are in fact classic masochists, exactly as described in the textbook. This made me angry. I knew that labeling women whose relationships were bad as masochists had long been standard practice in my specialty and our culture. This explanation of women's self-denying, submissive behavior was convenient, but very dangerous. In fact, women learn these behaviors very early and are constantly praised and rewarded for them. The paradox here is that behavior that makes women susceptible to abuse is considered feminine and cute. The concept of masochism is dangerous because it serves to justify aggression directed at women and confirms that “this is what women need.”
The more I talked to couples I counseled, the more I found that neither option worked. The man I am trying to characterize does not derive emotional or sexual pleasure from the suffering of his partner, such as a sadist. He sees his partner's suffering as a THREAT and a reason for RAGE. Neither the woman is a masochist nor the man a sadist. A woman does not derive hidden sexual or emotional pleasure from partner violence. On the contrary, it demoralizes her. Once again, I found that psychological conceptual tools could not describe what I observed in these relationships. The type of man I was trying to define is not found in literature.
He is not a sociopath, not a narcissist, not a sadist, although certain characteristics of these types are present in his character. The main difference between this man and the types described in psychology was that he was capable of a long-term relationship with one woman. His love even looked especially hot and strong. The tragedy was that he did everything possible to destroy the woman for whom he declared his ardent love.
As a therapist, I know that saying “I love you” is not necessarily an indicator of what is going on in a relationship. I know that behavior, not words, determines reality. Listening to patients, I asked myself: is this how they treat a person they really love? Isn't that how you treat someone you hate?
I remembered the Greek word for "misogynist" - MISOGYNE, from MIZO- or "to hate" and GINE or "woman". Although in English language this word has been used for centuries, usually used to describe murderers, rapists and other opponents of women. These criminals were definitely misogynists in the worst sense of the word. However, I was convinced. that the men I was trying to identify were misogynists too. Another was the choice of weapons.
The more I learned about misogyny and misogynistic relationships, the more I understood not only my patients, but also my husband, myself, and my marriage. By this time, the situation in my family had become extremely tense. I started looking for all sorts of excuses not to leave work at the end of the day. My children were stressed, my self-esteem completely dropped. If there was any literature about misogynists, my husband and I would be a classic case. From his point of view, I was to blame for all the troubles. He blamed me for everything: from problems with his business to unpolished shoes. Although my work was our main source of income at the time, he often ridiculed psychotherapy in general and me in particular.
The more he accused me of being selfish and unloving, the more I tried to placate him with apologies, capitulations, and often deliberately prevented the further growth of my career. I married a cheerful, energetic person, after fourteen years, I was constantly on edge and on the verge of tears. I began to behave in such a way that I was ashamed of myself: I either bothered him with questions, or locked myself in bitter, angry silence instead of sorting out my feelings.
And then something happened that shifted the established balance. I began to specialize in working with adults who had experienced childhood sexual abuse. My persistent efforts to draw attention to this issue have borne fruit. A publisher ordered me my first book about incest. That day I rushed home to my husband to share my excitement and joy. However, when I walked through the door, I immediately realized that he was not in a good mood today. I knew my good news would only add to his resentment, so I went into the kitchen without saying a word about the book, poured myself a glass of wine, and made a toast alone. Instead of being able to share my joy with the man I loved, I had to hide it so as not to upset him.
I knew it was terrible and wrong. I realized that my husband and I, like other families where there is misogyny, need help. However, my husband was not willing to work on his behavior or our relationship. Finally, painfully, I came to the conclusion that I could not stay in this marriage without completely giving up on myself.
The pain of this terrible loss continued for quite a long time, but then something happened to me. I discovered incredible creative powers and energy that I didn’t have before. Soon my professional life took a powerful turn. My books were published, my practice grew, and I was offered to host a radio program. I increasingly dealt on air and in the clinic with the psychological violence I experienced in my marriage. I received calls from women who had been in similar relationships from six months to half a century. Often, after they had described several telling situations, I asked them questions:
- Does he consider it his right to control your life and behavior?
- Do you need to give up your favorite things or people in order to bring him joy?
-Does he devalue your opinions, feelings, achievements?
-Does he scream, threaten, or withdraw into angry silence if you displease him?
-Do you have to choose your words so as not to provoke an outburst of anger in him?
-Does he unsettle you when he goes from affection to rage without warning?
-Do you often feel confused, confused, inadequate when you are with him?
-Is he extremely jealous and possessive?
-Does he blame you for all the troubles in his life?
If they answered “yes” to most of these questions, I knew they were misogynistic. When I explained to women what was happening in their lives, I could hear the relief in their voices, even on live television.
When I was convinced that I had discovered a serious psychological disorder, I decided to test my concept further and discuss it on a television show where I described the tactics and behavior of a typical misogynist.
The moment I came off the air, several women from the TV crew ran up to me. They all had experience with this type of man. The next day, the channel reported that they had never received so many calls as after the interview with me.
Soon I was appearing on another talk show in Boston. This time I spoke for an hour, the reaction was even more violent. When letters started pouring in to me from all over the United States, I realized that I had hit a sore spot. The need for answers was incredible. Women wanted to know where they could find a book about misogyny. They wanted to know more.
I was deeply touched by these letters. These women needed to make sure that their feelings were not a quirk. They needed to know that they were not alone, that there were other people who understood them and would not paint with the black paint that their partners and companions use..."

The book has been fully translated
http://stellkind.livejournal.com/465178.html
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Find yourself again

Each of those women who had been in misogynistic relationships for a long time had to make a barter deal: give up part of themselves in exchange for peace in the house. You may have had to give up or slow down a promising career, academic achievements, or other activities that your partner did not approve of. You may also have had to give up people you care about because your partner was jealous of them or saw them as a threat. How amazing you will feel when you realize that there is nothing stopping you from regaining everything that was once dear to you!

Return what was lost
What you may have given up falls into one of the four categories I listed above. Make your own list of things you had to give up to keep peace in your relationship.

What we give up:

Goals and aspirations
Career, degree, job, vocational training, seminars

Faith and beliefs
Religious and/or political beliefs that conflicted with those of the partner; opinion about people, the world, events; values ​​and principles

People
Meetings with old friends, meetings with family and friends, activities for children, hospitality, meeting new people

Activities and interests
Sports (tennis, running, skiing, fitness club), hobby club (bridge, discussion club, cycling, choir; attending concerts, performances, films; travel, tourism and other outdoor activities; clubs (cooking, languages, art, dance).

When Rosalind ended her destructive relationship with Jim, she began to not only rebuild her sluggish business and self-confidence, but also return to neglected interests. She told me:
“I have so much energy and opportunity now that he is out of my life. I never realized how much he slowed me down. Not only am I rebuilding my shop, I'm back to painting china, which I couldn't afford to do while Jim was with me. Remember when I told you that I gave him space in the store to start restoring furniture? Now I have a new kiln and drying cabinet here, I can be in the store and paint porcelain at the same time, and I love it. I started getting good at it, so I decided to release a small porcelain catalogue. This is a good addition to advertising design, which I have always done. I freed up part of the display case for my porcelain, and gradually it began to sell, so I am extremely pleased with myself.”

It was very touching to see Rosalind's pride in her achievements. I was especially touched when she gave me one of her exquisitely painted porcelain vases as a thank you for all the hard work she and I had done together.
Toxic relationships take up a huge amount of energy. Tension and conflict drain strength, a kind attitude and the opportunity to be yourself inspire and fill you with energy. Many women experience a similar feeling of rebirth as they begin to bring back into their lives all the things that they once held dear.
Part of the radical change in Carol and Ben's marriage came when Carol became determined to go to school and get the degree she was interested in. To his amazement, Ben discovered that the woman Carol had become was much more interesting and delightful than the woman he had tried to turn her into. At our last meeting he said:
“I used to want one thing - to find someone who wouldn’t leave me. For me there was nothing worse than the thought that if she stood firmly on her feet, she would also leave. But now that I feel more confident, I am no longer afraid. She graduated from college, started working, and to tell you the truth, I'm incredibly proud of her. She turned from a dependent little doll into a living person. She stands her ground, and guess what? I like it! It became more fun with her, she is lively, it’s interesting to be with her. To be honest, today I am more in love with her than ever.”
It was wonderful to see how out of this twenty-seven year marriage a relationship grew into such a source of happiness, people rediscovering each other.

Jackie didn't give up school or work, but she had to give up most of her friends and all the little things that were important to her. When Mark left, the first thing she returned to was the pleasure of going to the movies with friends.
“I haven’t been to the cinema for many years because Mark didn’t like it. Stay at home and watch TV endlessly, please, but if we went to the cinema with him, he became so unbearable that it was not worth it. When we entered the cinema, he loudly declared: “I hope I like it.” And if I didn’t like it, then it turned out to be my fault for bringing him here. He brought me to such a state that I did not get any pleasure from the cinema. And now I have a group that I go to the movies with, and another person that I meet who is obsessed with cinema. And I feel so good because I go to the cinema and don’t think about whether anyone will make me blush or put me in a corner if they don’t like the film.”

It is very important not to disavow or devalue your interests and hobbies. If they are important to you, they are part of what makes you, you. Going to the movies in peace might not seem like such a big accomplishment, but for Jackie it was a major achievement in her struggle to do things that made her happy and not need others' approval for it.

Your strength is good for your children
One of the great benefits of finding yourself is that it gives you a chance to erase the negative role models and messages your children have received. Women who have spent many years in psychologically abusive relationships often express deep concern about raising their sons to be misogynists and their daughters to be future victims. I explain to these mothers that no matter how old their children are, once the misogynistic cycle is broken and radical changes occur in the mother's behavior, everything that the children have learned about relationships between men and women will immediately change too.
A woman's courage to rebuild her life and bring back the things that defined her becomes an important role model for both sons and daughters. Sons begin to see women as worthy and deserving of respect, and daughters understand that they also have value and deserve to be treated well. Children have outstanding flexibility and adaptability. If their mother is happy and confident, it will only be good for the child. Therefore, the most important teacher for your children is your new, confident behavior.

Don't step on the same rake
By the time Rosalind finished therapy, she was already doing well, her self-esteem had increased, and she was excited about her business and new achievements. I didn’t see her for six months, and then one afternoon she called me in a panic. The next day she burst into the office incredibly excited, and we had this discussion:
“Rosalind: I step on the same rake all the time. I met a man. His name is Les. He is beautiful and delightful, but then the same things began to happen as with Jim. Why is this happening to me? What is wrong with me?
Susan: Tell me what happened.
Rosalind: Les and I started going hiking. I really wanted this, but a few days ago we were climbing a very steep slope, and I couldn’t keep up with him. I tried my best, but it didn't work out. I asked him to go slower, but he refused. Then he got angry and started shouting at me that I was a lazy fool and that there was no point in tourism if you didn’t have to exert yourself. I felt like I was burdening him, so I went down the trail and waited for him in the car. Two hours later he returned in a wild rage. He said that I ruined his whole trip, that he should have thought before taking such an old woman with him. I started doing the same things I did before: apologizing and blaming myself, when in fact I was offended by all of this. And then I caught myself thinking: “Why am I apologizing to him? He's the one acting like an idiot, not me." And then I realized that I had stepped on an old rake. I chose another Jim. I was so upset with myself that I realized that I had to come to you.
Susan: First of all, I think your story reflects incredible success. When you stopped judging yourself, you immediately recognized the feelings and reactions you had already experienced in the past and realized that you were being treated poorly.”
Rosalind was able to take care of herself very well. She stopped herself when she found herself apologizing, realized that it was Les, not her, who was being mean, and, most importantly, noticed that it was Les who was making her feel bad. So there was nothing in her story that suggested she was doomed to choose men who would abuse her.
Old patterns don't disappear overnight. Change is always two steps forward and one step back. However, Rosalind's descent into apology did not mean that she had lost everything she had gained in the therapy sessions.
She also should not reproach herself for choosing another psychological aggressor. ANY WOMAN CAN LIKE MISOGYN. That's not the problem. Staying with him and enduring abuse for years is the problem! I assured Rosalind that she was doing very well. From what happened on the trip, it is clear that she no longer intends to tolerate mistreatment, no matter how charismatic, exciting or handsome the man may be.
Another exciting thing about Rosalind's story was that she began to trust herself, and self-trust is the cornerstone of emotional self-confidence.
Many women who have experienced misogynistic relationships ask themselves the question: “How can I start trusting a man again?” I explain to them that it is not a matter of trusting or not trusting him, the main trust comes from knowing and believing that you can handle whatever life throws at you.
Despite her bad experiences with Jim, Rosalind did not close herself off from the world, become suspicious, or become defensive. However, many women make this mistake. They believe that they will be safe if they close their emotional world and avoid any relationships altogether. True freedom is making choices, trusting your gut, and knowing that if things don't work out, you can take care of yourself. Suspicion and refusal to connect with another person may give you the illusion of security, but in reality it is emotional stagnation.

Not all men are misogynists
It is important not only to see the bad attitude towards yourself, but also not to label every man with whom you are unhappy with the “misogynist” label. Rosalind provided clear evidence of aggression and psychological abuse on the part of Les. However, some women, while zealously trying to avoid other misogynistic relationships, make the mistake of seeing all other men as misogynists.
If you feel bad with someone, this does not automatically mean psychological violence towards you. Some are reserved, some are taciturn, some are naturally cold or not ready for a relationship and may reject you. There are moody people, there are impulsive and hot-tempered people, there are arguers who will never agree with anything you say, but all this does not make them misogynists. Remember, a misogynist is a person who needs to control a woman. He does this aggressively, he uses threats and criticism, belittles the woman, destroys her self-confidence, shaking her inner balance with unpredictable fluctuations from tenderness to rage.
You don't have to unleash your newfound understanding of misogynistic behavior and its consequences on all men. Seeing a misogynist in everyone is just as unrealistic as accidentally overlooking a bad attitude towards oneself.

Find love again
There are many wonderful, caring, loving, considerate men in the world who love women, their company and their uniqueness. These men are not afraid of a woman’s intelligence, ambition, professionalism, because they are confident in themselves and in their adequacy. They don't need to put women down to feel good about themselves.
Laura found such a person two years after she stopped dating Bob. I received this wonderful letter from her along with a wedding invitation:
"Dear Susan,
Remember how I was worried that, firstly, I would never be able to love anyone, secondly, that I would never forget the person I knew and, thirdly, that the days of love were gone forever? Well, now I am writing to you to tell you that you were right and I was wrong. I met a wonderful person. He doesn’t scream, doesn’t demand, doesn’t get madly jealous, and I’m head over heels in love with him. I think I just didn't pay attention to these men because I didn't think they were flashy or exciting enough, but you know, I don't miss those crazy scenes that Bob gave me for a second. For some reason I thought that all these quarrels were love and passion. But gentle and calm Randy turned out to be twice as delightful as Bob. I'm very happy with him.
I really want you to come to our wedding and share with us the joy of this special day for both of us.
With love and great gratitude,
Laura".

Find your feminine balance
Many people today do not know what to expect from relationships and how to behave in them. Couples reject old, rigid, stereotypical roles, but do not know what to replace them with. Women agonize over how to respond to their newfound freedom without becoming too harsh and harsh. Men are concerned with how to be loving and sensitive without losing their masculinity. Both have their own ambitions and careers, whether by choice or economic necessity.
I believe that the goal of all of us, modern women, is to preserve the qualities that make us unique: intuition, a calm attitude towards our feelings and acute emotions, the ability to be a support, and to abandon those traditions that have served us poorly. Today, being a woman does not mean passivity, compliance, or self-denigration. Just like a “real man” does not try to imitate traditional male behavior. There is no contradiction in being a loving, warm woman and taking care of yourself and your interests. The most wonderful gift you can give to yourself and the man you love is your sense of self-worth, the expectation of love and kindness.

Susan Forward

Emotional blackmail

Susan Forward, Ph.D. with Donna Frazier

EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL

Copyright © 1997 by Susan Forward

Published by arrangement with HarperOne, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.

© Savinov A., translation into Russian, 2017

© Design. LLC Publishing House E, 2017

Introduction

I told my partner that I was going to go to class once a week in the evenings, and he began to scold me with his characteristic indifference. “Do as you wish - you will still do it your way,” he said, “but do not expect that I will wait for your return. You know - I’m always at your disposal, why don’t you respond in kind now?” I knew his arguments were pointless, but they made me feel like I was being too selfish. I gave up classes. LIZ.

I wanted to spend Christmas traveling with my wife, something we had been looking forward to for months. I called my mom to tell her we finally bought our tickets, but she immediately started crying, “What about Christmas dinner? You know that we always get together on holidays. If you don't come, you'll ruin everyone's Christmas. How can you treat me like this? How many Christmases do you think I have left?” Naturally, I gave up. My wife will kill me when she finds out about this, but I won't be able to enjoy the holidays if the guilt gnaws at me. VOLUME.

I came to my boss to ask for help or to reschedule the completion of a major project. As soon as I mentioned that I needed help, he started working on me. “I know how every day you want to get home quickly,” he said. “But even if your family would like to see you more often now, they will be happy with the promotion we have planned for you.” Our team needs a player who demonstrates true dedication to this task; this is the role you play. But so be it. Spend more time with your family, but consider that if this is more important to you than work, we may reconsider our plans for you.” I felt completely destroyed. Now I don't know what to do. KIM.

What's happening? Why do some people make us think: “I lost again. I constantly accept someone's terms. I didn't say what I should have said. Why can't I prove anything to anyone? How is it that I can’t stand up for myself?” We know that we have been fooled. We feel disappointment and indignation, realizing that we gave in to some person just so as not to offend him. However, we do not know what to do to prevent this from happening again. Why do some people manage to impose their point of view on us through emotions and yet we are left feeling defeated?

People we encounter in situations that are hopeless for us skillfully manipulate our emotional state. They wrap us in a comforting shroud of love if they get what they want, but when they don’t get their way, they often begin to threaten, leaving us feeling guilty and self-deprecating. It may seem that they are using certain methods without realizing it. By the way, many of them may seem like kind, long-suffering individuals who under no circumstances resort to threats.

It is usually one person - a partner, parent, friend, sibling - who constantly manipulates us to the point that we forget that we are even independent adults. Although we may be successful in other areas, with these people we feel cramped and defenseless. They easily deceive us.

Let me give you the example of my client Sarah, a court reporter. Sarah, a vivacious brunette in her 30s, had been dating her peer, Frank, for almost a year. Everything was going well until it came to the wedding. According to Sarah, Frank's attitude towards her changed dramatically, as if he wanted to test her. This became evident when Frank invited Sarah to spend a weekend with him at his cottage in the mountains. “When we arrived, it turned out that the entire cottage was covered with tarpaulin, and there were cans of paint everywhere. He handed me the brush. I didn’t know what to do, so I started painting.” They worked, almost without speaking, all day, and when they finally sat down to rest, Frank took out a wedding ring with a huge diamond. Sarah asked him what this meant, and he replied that he wanted to test her and make sure that after the wedding he would not have to do everything himself. Of course, it didn't end there.

We set a wedding date, agreed on everything, but our relationship went from one extreme to another. Frank continued to give me gifts, but the trials did not stop. One day I didn't agree to babysit his sister's kids for the weekend, and Frank said I didn't have a sense of family and that he should probably call off the wedding. And when I talked about expanding my business, it meant that I wasn't dedicated enough to it. Naturally, I stopped talking about it. All this dragged on endlessly, and I constantly gave in to Frank. But she kept telling herself what he was like. good guy and maybe the fact is that he is simply afraid of the wedding and wants to feel more confident.

Frank's threats sounded calm and yet were extremely effective because they were interspersed with periods of intimacy that were tempting enough to disguise what he was really after. And like many of us, Sarah returned to him time after time.

She succumbed to Frank's manipulations because it was important for her to avoid a quarrel, because a lot was at stake. Like most of us, Sarah felt resentful and irritated, justifying her capitulation with the desire to maintain good relations.

In such situations, we focus on other people's needs at the expense of our own and become complacent in the temporary illusion of safety created by our concessions. We avoided conflict, confrontation and gained the opportunity to establish healthy relationships.

These nasty misunderstandings are the most common cause of disagreement in almost all types of relationships, but they are rarely recognized and almost always misinterpreted. These manipulations are often called misunderstanding. We tell ourselves: “I operate with feelings, and he operates with reason” or “She has a completely different mindset.” But in reality the source of disagreement lies not in different types communication, but in the fact that one person achieves his goal at the expense of another. This is more than a simple misunderstanding - it is a struggle.

Over the years I have searched for a way to describe this struggle and the painful relationship it leads to. I have found that almost everyone is sympathetic to my words when I say that we are dealing with ordinary blackmail in its purest form - blackmail through subjective experiences, or emotional blackmail.

I understand that the word “blackmail” immediately brings to mind an ominous image of crime, horror and extortion. Of course, it is difficult to think of your husband, parents, boss, relatives or children as criminals. However, I have come to the conclusion that blackmail is the only term that accurately describes what is happening. However, the very sharpness of this word will help to clear away the confusion and misunderstandings present in many relationships, and this, in turn, will lead us to clarity.

Let me assure you: emotional blackmail in itself does not mean that it is doomed to destruction. It just makes it clear that we need to honestly acknowledge and correct the behavior that is causing us pain, putting a stronger foundation under these relationships.

WHAT IS EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL

Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us directly or indirectly threaten us with trouble if we don’t do what they want. The essence of any type of blackmail is one core threat, which blackmailers express in different ways and which sounds like this: If you don't behave the way I want you to, you'll regret it. A criminal blackmailer may demand money from us, otherwise he threatens to use certain information to destroy our reputation. An emotional blackmailer knows how much we value our relationship with him. He sees our weak sides and hidden secrets. And no matter how much he loves us, the emotional blackmailer uses this knowledge to achieve what he wants: our submission.

Susan Forward, Ph.D., is an internationally renowned psychotherapist, teacher, and author.

Her books “Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them: When Loving Hurts and You Don't Know Why”, “Emotional Blackmail” have been translated into more than fifteen languages. Susan Forward has been in private practice for over 20 years, teaching and consulting in Several medical and mental health facilities in Southern California, and she hosts radio and television programs.

Books (3)

Men who hate women and women who love them

Each of those women who had been in misogynistic relationships for a long time had to make a barter deal: give up part of themselves in exchange for peace in the house.

You may have had to give up or slow down a promising career, academic achievements, or other activities that your partner did not approve of. You may also have had to give up people you care about because your partner was jealous of them or saw them as a threat.

How amazing you will feel when you realize that there is nothing stopping you from regaining everything that was once dear to you!

Toxic parents

The problem of violence against children in the family is examined in the book from the perspective of the theory of codependency and the “inner child,” a certain part of our personality that, due to unfavorable external circumstances in early childhood, failed to mature, and which sabotages our attempts in adulthood to get rid of destructiveness in our lives.

Emotional blackmail

"If you really loved me..."
“And this is after what I did for you!”
“Why are you so selfish?..”
And - the worst thing - “I will die, and you will regret it!”
How many times have you heard this?!
How many times have you been shamelessly blackmailed?!
Your loved ones, of course, love you... but that doesn't stop them from using emotional blackmail against you!
Don't let yourself be manipulated!
Read this amazing book - and you will learn to resist pressure!

Reader comments

Not a great mind/ November 2, 2018 Eternally grateful to Susan! A brilliant author and an even more brilliant therapist. Very sensitive to the pain of others and able to heal.

Galina/ 09.19.2018 Yes, apparently I have suffered enough in life from my parents and husbands to write such works! And for her children, if she has any, she is simply an ideal mother!

Catherine/ 08/23/2018 I am delighted with Susan's books. They changed me. I became much happier.

Tayce/ 04/27/2018 One of the few books that changed me

Andrey/ 11/7/2017 The book “Emotional Blackmail” is written in simple language and is very effective in solving everyday problems that every person has encountered at least once in their life. A description of toxic relationships and techniques for their improvement are given.

Inga/ 10.23.2017 Thank you very much. Important books!

Hope/ 03/16/2017 I thank the site for the opportunity to read wonderful books. The book "Emotional Blackmail" has helped me and others change difficult relationships for the better!
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