Emotional blackmail. Don't let love be used as a weapon against you! Books Recommended by Feminists What is Emotional Blackmail

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I have had many, many teachers who have helped me understand the way abusive men think and behave.

I must thank the hundreds of wives and girlfriends and ex-wives and girlfriends of my clients who shared their stories with me and thereby shed light on what my clients had omitted or misrepresented in their accounts of events.

Victims of violence have been my greatest teachers. If we listened more to them and less to abusers and their allies, the world would quickly get rid of its chronic problem of abuse.

About the author. Lundy Bancroft

Lundy Bancroft has spent recent years specializing in the areas of domestic violence and the behavior of abusive men.

He is the author of When Dad Hurts Mom and The Batterer as a Parent, as well as several articles for The New England Journal of Medicine (one from the oldest medical journals in the world) and other professional publications.

Former co-director of Emerge, the first national treatment program for violent men, he now practices in Massachusetts and trains government and legal agencies to handle domestic violence cases.

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2. “Why is he doing this?” (Lundy Bancroft)

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The book addresses the problem of emotional and physical violence of a man against a woman in the family and in romantic relationships.

The author dispels myths about a man using violence against a woman. One of the most important myths: he does not control himself. Lundy Bancroft proves that the problem is not that some men are unable to manage their anger, but their value system. The book is extremely useful for women experiencing emotional or physical violence; it will help them understand what is happening, regain self-esteem and faith in their rights. But it is also useful for every person who strives to build healthy and safe relationships.

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3. Toxic Parents (Susan Forward)

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Susan Foward is one of America's leading psychotherapists and the bestselling author of Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them and Toxic parents”, as well as a number of other books: “Obsessive Love,” “Money Demons,” “Emotional Blackmail,” “When Your Lover Is a Liar,” “Toxic In-Laws,” “Betrayal of Innocence” and “Mothers Who Can 't Love."
This book, co-authored with Craig Buck in 1989, the book, like Forward's other books, immediately became a bestseller.
The problem of violence against children in the family is examined in the book from the perspective of the theory of codependency and the “inner child,” a certain part of our personality that, due to unfavorable external circumstances in early childhood, failed to mature, and which sabotages our attempts in adulthood to get rid of destructiveness in our lives.
The book “Toxic Parents” is valuable because:
– raises the problem of violence against children by parents in all its aspects: psychological, physical, sexual violence, denial of care, imposition of role inversion, all kinds of neglect (ignoring);
– gives a detailed description of abusive situations and gives specific examples of destructive behavior of parents towards children:
– clearly states the reality and scale of the problem of incest (although it tries to maintain gender neutrality, without indicating the gender composition of the vast majority of criminals);
– destroys the myth about the need for forgiveness and its supposed “healing power”;
– offers specific techniques for neutralizing auto-destructive tendencies in people who have become victims of parental abuse in childhood.

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4. “Men who hate women and women who love them” (Susan Forward)

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Each of those women who had been in misogynistic relationships for a long time had to make a barter deal: give up part of themselves in exchange for peace in the house.

You may have had to give up or slow down a promising career, academic achievements, or other activities that your partner did not approve of. You may also have had to give up people you care about because your partner was jealous of them or saw them as a threat.

How amazing you will feel when you realize that there is nothing stopping you from regaining everything that was once dear to you!

5. “On the Hook” (Aud Dalsegg, Inger Wesse)

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Description of the book

What to do if you are bullied at home or at work? Does this mean that you are really as pathetic and worthless as someone convinces you? Or maybe you're just dealing with a psychopathic personality?

From the book written by two Norwegian authors - journalist Oud Dalsegg and lawyer Inger Wesse, specializing in the topics of domestic violence and mobbing, you will learn about who psychopaths are, why they behave this way with other people and why on earth they get away with so much . The book describes different types of psychopathic personalities, as well as their behavior patterns. The authors give examples of the most typical cases of victims becoming “hooked” by psychopaths and offer effective methods of rescue even from stalemate situations.

6. “The illusion of love. Why a woman returns to her abuser" (David Selani)

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Short answer: she acts like a child. Communicating with parents, the child gradually absorbs and assimilates their ways of behavior and reactions to different situations. If parents console him, then the child will eventually learn to console himself. And he will stop needing other people for this - or, at least, needing him so much. But what if the parents treat the child badly? He will treat himself badly. Paradoxically, this binds him even more strongly to his parent. Without creating internal resources, such a child will always be dependent on external ones. “As adults, these previously neglected people are very likely to cling to anyone, without much regard for the humanity of their partners, because the fear of abandonment is too great,” writes David Celani, a psychologist who has studied strange attachments for a quarter of a century. children to cruel parents, women to humiliating spouses. What's the solution? David Selani gives us no reason for optimism: in the most successful therapeutic process, “it may take three to five years” to restore the patient’s destroyed self-image and teach her to confront the real offender and the horror of unloving she feels at the thought of separation .

Find yourself again

Each of those women who had been in misogynistic relationships for a long time had to make a barter deal: give up part of themselves in exchange for peace in the house. You may have had to give up or slow down a promising career, academic achievements, or other activities that your partner did not approve of. You may also have had to give up people you care about because your partner was jealous of them or saw them as a threat. How amazing you will feel when you realize that there is nothing stopping you from regaining everything that was once dear to you!

Return what was lost
What you may have given up falls into one of the four categories I listed above. Make your own list of things you had to give up to keep peace in your relationship.

What we give up:

Goals and aspirations
Career, degree, job, vocational training, seminars

Faith and beliefs
Religious and/or political beliefs that conflicted with those of the partner; opinion about people, the world, events; values ​​and principles

People
Meetings with old friends, meetings with family and friends, activities for children, hospitality, meeting new people

Activities and interests
Sports (tennis, running, skiing, fitness club), hobby club (bridge, discussion club, cycling, choir; attending concerts, performances, films; travel, tourism and other outdoor activities; clubs (cooking, languages, art, dance).

When Rosalind ended her destructive relationship with Jim, she began to not only rebuild her sluggish business and self-confidence, but also return to neglected interests. She told me:
“I have so much energy and opportunity now that he is out of my life. I never realized how much he slowed me down. Not only am I rebuilding my shop, I'm back to painting china, which I couldn't afford to do while Jim was with me. Remember when I told you that I gave him space in the store to start restoring furniture? Now I have a new kiln and drying cabinet here, I can be in the store and paint porcelain at the same time, and I love it. I started getting good at it, so I decided to release a small porcelain catalogue. This is a good addition to advertising design, which I have always done. I freed up part of the display case for my porcelain, and gradually it began to sell, so I am extremely pleased with myself.”

It was very touching to see Rosalind's pride in her achievements. I was especially touched when she gave me one of her exquisitely painted porcelain vases as a thank you for all the hard work she and I had done together.
Toxic relationships take up a huge amount of energy. Tension and conflict drain strength, a kind attitude and the opportunity to be yourself inspire and fill you with energy. Many women experience a similar feeling of rebirth as they begin to bring back into their lives all the things that they once held dear.
Part of the radical change in Carol and Ben's marriage came when Carol became determined to go to school and get the degree she was interested in. To his amazement, Ben discovered that the woman Carol had become was much more interesting and delightful than the woman he had tried to turn her into. At our last meeting he said:
“I used to want one thing - to find someone who wouldn’t leave me. For me there was nothing worse than the thought that if she stood firmly on her feet, she would also leave. But now that I feel more confident, I am no longer afraid. She graduated from college, started working, and to tell you the truth, I'm incredibly proud of her. She turned from a dependent little doll into a living person. She stands her ground, and guess what? I like it! It became more fun with her, she is lively, it’s interesting to be with her. To be honest, today I am more in love with her than ever.”
It was wonderful to see how out of this twenty-seven year marriage a relationship grew into such a source of happiness, people rediscovering each other.

Jackie didn't give up school or work, but she had to give up most of her friends and all the little things that were important to her. When Mark left, the first thing she returned to was the pleasure of going to the movies with friends.
“I haven’t been to the cinema for many years because Mark didn’t like it. Stay at home and watch TV endlessly, please, but if we went to the cinema with him, he became so unbearable that it was not worth it. When we entered the cinema, he loudly declared: “I hope I like it.” And if I didn’t like it, then it turned out to be my fault for bringing him here. He brought me to such a state that I did not get any pleasure from the cinema. And now I have a group that I go to the movies with, and another person that I meet who is obsessed with cinema. And I feel so good because I go to the cinema and don’t think about whether anyone will make me blush or put me in a corner if they don’t like the film.”

It is very important not to disavow or devalue your interests and hobbies. If they are important to you, they are part of what makes you, you. Going to the movies in peace might not seem like such a big accomplishment, but for Jackie it was a major achievement in her struggle to do things that made her happy and not need others' approval for it.

Your strength is good for your children
One of the great benefits of finding yourself is that it gives you a chance to erase the negative role models and messages your children have received. Women who have spent many years in psychologically abusive relationships often express deep concern about raising their sons to be misogynists and their daughters to be future victims. I explain to these mothers that no matter how old their children are, once the misogynistic cycle is broken and there is a radical change in the mother's behavior, everything that the children have learned about relationships between men and women will immediately change too.
A woman's courage to rebuild her life and bring back the things that defined her becomes an important role model for both sons and daughters. Sons begin to see women as worthy and deserving of respect, and daughters understand that they also have value and deserve to be treated well. Children have outstanding flexibility and adaptability. If their mother is happy and confident, it will only be good for the child. Therefore, the most important teacher for your children is your new, confident behavior.

Don't step on the same rake
By the time Rosalind finished therapy, she was already doing well, her self-esteem had increased, and she was excited about her business and new achievements. I didn’t see her for six months, and then one afternoon she called me in a panic. The next day she burst into the office incredibly excited, and we had this discussion:
“Rosalind: I step on the same rake all the time. I met a man. His name is Les. He is beautiful and delightful, but then the same things began to happen as with Jim. Why is this happening to me? What is wrong with me?
Susan: Tell me what happened.
Rosalind: Les and I started going hiking. I really wanted this, but a few days ago we were climbing a very steep slope, and I couldn’t keep up with him. I tried my best, but it didn't work out. I asked him to go slower, but he refused. Then he got angry and started shouting at me that I was a lazy fool and that there was no point in tourism if you didn’t have to exert yourself. I felt like I was burdening him, so I went down the trail and waited for him in the car. Two hours later he returned in a wild rage. He said that I ruined his whole trip, that he should have thought before taking such an old woman with him. I started doing the same things I did before: apologizing and blaming myself, when in fact I was offended by all of this. And then I caught myself thinking: “Why am I apologizing to him? He's the one acting like an idiot, not me." And then I realized that I had stepped on an old rake. I chose another Jim. I was so upset with myself that I realized that I had to come to you.
Susan: First of all, I think your story reflects incredible success. When you stopped judging yourself, you immediately recognized the feelings and reactions you had already experienced in the past and realized that you were being treated poorly.”
Rosalind was able to take care of herself very well. She stopped herself when she found herself apologizing, realized that it was Les, not her, who was being mean, and, most importantly, noticed that it was Les who was making her feel bad. So there was nothing in her story that suggested she was doomed to choose men who would abuse her.
Old patterns don't disappear overnight. Change is always two steps forward and one step back. However, Rosalind's descent into apology did not mean that she had lost everything she had gained in the therapy sessions.
She also should not reproach herself for choosing another psychological aggressor. ANY WOMAN CAN LIKE MISOGYN. That's not the problem. Staying with him and enduring abuse for years is the problem! I assured Rosalind that she was doing very well. From what happened on the trip, it is clear that she no longer intends to tolerate mistreatment, no matter how charismatic, exciting or handsome the man may be.
Another exciting thing about Rosalind's story was that she began to trust herself, and self-trust is the cornerstone of emotional self-confidence.
Many women who have experienced misogynistic relationships ask themselves the question: “How can I start trusting a man again?” I explain to them that it is not a matter of trusting or not trusting him, the main trust comes from knowing and believing that you can handle whatever life throws at you.
Despite her bad experiences with Jim, Rosalind did not close herself off from the world, become suspicious, or become defensive. However, many women make this mistake. They believe that they will be safe if they close their emotional world and avoid any relationships altogether. True freedom is making choices, trusting your gut, and knowing that if things don't work out, you can take care of yourself. Suspicion and refusal to connect with another person may give you the illusion of security, but in reality it is emotional stagnation.

Not all men are misogynists
It is important not only to see the bad attitude towards yourself, but also not to label every man with whom you are unhappy with the “misogynist” label. Rosalind provided clear evidence of aggression and psychological abuse on the part of Les. However, some women, while zealously trying to avoid other misogynistic relationships, make the mistake of seeing all other men as misogynists.
If you feel bad with someone, this does not automatically mean psychological violence towards you. Some are reserved, some are taciturn, some are naturally cold or not ready for a relationship and may reject you. There are moody people, there are impulsive and hot-tempered people, there are arguers who will never agree with anything you say, but all this does not make them misogynists. Remember, a misogynist is a person who needs to control a woman. He does this aggressively, he uses threats and criticism, belittles the woman, destroys her self-confidence, shaking her inner balance with unpredictable fluctuations from tenderness to rage.
You don't have to unleash your newfound understanding of misogynistic behavior and its consequences on all men. Seeing a misogynist in everyone is just as unrealistic as accidentally overlooking a bad attitude towards oneself.

Find love again
There are many wonderful, caring, loving, considerate men in the world who love women, their company and their uniqueness. These men are not afraid of a woman’s intelligence, ambition, professionalism, because they are confident in themselves and in their adequacy. They don't need to put women down to feel good about themselves.
Laura found such a person two years after she stopped dating Bob. I received this wonderful letter from her along with a wedding invitation:
"Dear Susan,
Remember how I was worried that, firstly, I would never be able to love anyone, secondly, that I would never forget the person I knew and, thirdly, that the days of love were gone forever? Well, now I am writing to you to tell you that you were right and I was wrong. I met a wonderful person. He doesn’t scream, doesn’t demand, doesn’t get madly jealous, and I’m head over heels in love with him. I think I just didn't pay attention to these men because I didn't think they were flashy or exciting enough, but you know, I don't miss those crazy scenes that Bob gave me for a second. For some reason I thought that all these quarrels were love and passion. But gentle and calm Randy turned out to be twice as delightful as Bob. I'm very happy with him.
I really want you to come to our wedding and share with us the joy of this special day for both of us.
With love and great gratitude,
Laura".

Find your feminine balance
Many people today do not know what to expect from relationships and how to behave in them. Couples reject old, rigid, stereotypical roles, but do not know what to replace them with. Women agonize over how to respond to their newfound freedom without becoming too harsh and harsh. Men are concerned with how to be loving and sensitive without losing their masculinity. Both have their own ambitions and careers, whether by choice or economic necessity.
I believe that the goal of all of us, modern women, is to preserve the qualities that make us unique: intuition, a calm attitude towards our feelings and acute emotions, the ability to be a support, and to abandon those traditions that have served us poorly. Today, being a woman does not mean passivity, compliance, or self-denigration. Just like a “real man” does not try to imitate traditional male behavior. There is no contradiction in being a loving, warm woman and taking care of yourself and your interests. The most wonderful gift you can give to yourself and the man you love is your sense of self-worth, the expectation of love and kindness.

Susan Forward

Toxic parents

“Of course, my father beat me, but in order to set me on the right path. I don’t understand what this has to do with the fact that my marriage broke down.”. Gordon, a successful orthopedic surgeon, came to see me when his wife left him after six years of marriage. He desperately tried to win her back, but she told him to forget about it until he went to therapy and changed his uncontrollable temperament. Gordon's sudden outbursts of rage frightened her, and besides, he exhausted her with his constant and merciless criticism. He recognized his angry temperament and obsessive criticism, but the fact that his wife left him plunged him into horror.

I asked Gordon to tell me about himself, helping him with leading questions. When I asked about his parents, he smiled and painted a rosy picture for me, especially regarding his father, a famous cardiologist: “Without him, I would never have become what I have become. He is the best, and his patients generally consider him a saint.”. When I asked what his relationship with his father was like currently, Gordon laughed nervously and said: “They were great... until I told him I wanted to try holism. He reacted as if I was going to try to become a killer. About three months ago I told him about holism, and now every time we talk he starts yelling about how he didn’t send me to medical school so that I would end up becoming a “healer.” And yesterday he became completely unbearable. He got so excited that he said that I could say goodbye to my parents, and this upset me very much. I don’t know... maybe the idea of ​​holism really isn’t the best.”.

I noticed that, while describing his father, who turned out to be far from being as beautiful as they initially tried to show me, Gordon nervously intertwined and unlaced his fingers. When he realized that I saw this, he managed to restrain his movements, connecting the pads of his fingers in a “professor” gesture, which he probably learned from his father.

I asked him if his father always behaved like a tyrant. "No, actually no"- he answered. “I want to say that he yelled at me and sometimes put his hand on me, as happens with all children. I wouldn't say he was a tyrant.". Something in his tone when he said “put his hand”, a slight change in the timbre of his voice, made me wary, and I began to insist on details. It turned out that Gordon’s father “put his hand”, and with a belt, two or three times a week! In order to give a reason for punishment, not much was needed: a harsh word, grades that did not suit the parent, or a forgotten “duty” were already a sufficient “crime.” Gordon's father was also not particularly concerned about the form of punishment. Gordon remembered that he spanked him on the back, legs and arms, and buttocks. I asked if his father had hurt him.

Gordon: Never to the point of bleeding, I want to say that nothing special was done to me. I needed to be obedient.

Susan: But you were afraid of him, weren't you?

Gordon: Deadly, but that's what happens to parents, right?

Susan: Gordon, do you want your children to feel the same way about you?

(He looked away. He felt extremely uncomfortable. I moved my chair closer.)

Susan: Your wife is a pediatrician. Do you think that if at her appointment she saw the same marks on the child that your father left on your body when he “put his hand”, shouldn’t she immediately report this to the police?

No answer was needed. Gordon's eyes filled with tears and he whispered: “Something terribly twisted in my stomach.”. Gordon's defenses did not hold up, and for the first time, with terrible emotional pain, he realized where the original source of his bad character was, which had remained in the shadows for so long. Since childhood, he had suppressed a volcano of rage against his father, and now, when the tension became too great, he lashed out at those who were at hand, and most often at his wife. I realized that we needed to acknowledge and heal the downtrodden little boy who lived inside Gordon.

That evening, already at home, I kept thinking about Gordon, about how his eyes filled with tears when he realized that he had been abused as a child. I thought of the thousands of adult men and women I had worked with whose lives were still influenced, if not controlled, by the attitudes they received as children from destructive parents. I realized that there are still millions of people who have no idea why their lives are still not working out, and who can be helped. And then I decided to write this book.

Why is it necessary to look back?

Gordon's story was not out of the ordinary. In eighteen years of psychotherapeutic work in my private clinic and in hospital therapy groups, I have counseled thousands of people, most of whom suffered from enormous damage to their self-esteem because, as children, one or both parents regularly beat them, or criticized them, or " joked about how stupid they were, physically ugly, or unwanted children, or blamed them for everything, or sexually abused them, or forced them to take on too much responsibility, or prevented them from taking a step without supervision and permanent guardianship. Like Gordon, few of these people attributed the problems in their lives to their parents. This is usually an emotional blind spot. It's just very difficult for people to admit that their relationship with their parents has such a powerful influence on their lives.

Therapy, which previously focused on first life experiences, now moves away from the “then” to concentrate on the “here and now.” Attention is paid mainly to the analysis and change of current behavior, methods of interaction in current relationships. I think this change occurred because people were disgusted with the enormous waste of time and money that traditional therapy entails, often with minimal results.

I truly believe in short-term therapies that focus on changing destructive behaviors. But my experience has taught me that dealing with symptoms is not enough; we need to address the sources of these symptoms. Therapy becomes more effective when it follows two directions simultaneously: changing negative patterns of behavior in the present and at the same time making a break with past traumas.

Gordon needed to learn techniques to control his own rage, but in order for the changes to become permanent and sustainable in the face of stressful situations, he needed to go back and face the pain of his childhood.

Our parents plant mental and emotional seeds in us, and those seeds grow in us. In some families, these are the seeds of love, respect and independence. But in many other families, seeds of fear, debt and guilt are sown. If you are from these “other” families, then this book is for you. As you grew up, those invisible seeds sprouted and became weeds that invaded your life in ways you never imagined. Surely these weeds have damaged your relationships, your career or your family; they have undoubtedly eroded your self-confidence and your self-esteem. I want to help you recognize and weed them out.

Who are “toxic parents”?

All parents make mistakes. I myself have made terrible mistakes with my children, causing them (and myself) great pain. No father or mother can always be emotionally close to their children. Sometimes parents will yell at their children, and sometimes (but very, very rarely) they will hit the child. Do these mistakes make all parents cruel and unpresentable? Obviously not. After all, parents are people and they have a lot of problems. And most children can handle a parent's temper tantrum, as long as they usually also receive love and understanding from their parents to counterbalance the bad moments.

However, there are many parents whose negative forms of behavior are unchanged and turned into a source of constant influence on the child’s life. These are the parents we call toxic, these are the parents who harm the child.

As I searched for a definition of what these abusive parents had in common, the thought that kept coming to mind was poison. Like a chemical toxin, the emotional pain caused by such parents permeates the child's entire being, and as the child matures, so does the pain. I can think of nothing more accurate than the word “toxic” to describe “those” parents who continuously traumatize their children by treating them cruelly and humiliating them, and who continue to do so even when their children become adults. As for the “constancy” and “continuity” in the behavior of such parents, there are exceptions. At the level of sexual and physical abuse, the consequences can be so traumatic that it only takes one episode to cause enormous emotional harm to a child.

Once we begin to examine the forces that drive a misogynist, we discover that much of the violence he displays masks an incredible anxiety towards women. The misogynist is at the very center of the conflict between his need for a woman's love and his deep-seated fear of her.

Only those friends or family members who support his self-image or version of reality will be allowed into your life. At the same time, anyone whose views differ from those of the misogynist may be excommunicated.

Susan Forward. Men who hate women and women who love them

He can be charming and sociable in public, but when alone with his partner, he will make tirades about her pathetic, hilarious friends and use them as a means to further highlight her imperfections. If after each such meeting a woman is faced with rage and criticism from her partner, she may ultimately decide that being with him in public is more painful than not being with him.

Susan Forward. Men who hate women and women who love them

Occasional concessions or support are part of the compromises required in any working relationship. But when a woman constantly gives in to her partner, so that her needs become secondary to him, her self-esteem gradually decreases. Many women lose the battle for their own leisure time and friends because they are exhausted from larger battles, and this one is simply not worth the effort anymore. However, in reality it is necessary to fight, because this is one of the sophisticated ways to achieve the isolation of a woman. Its sophistication lies in the fact that at first the woman feels flattered. It seems to her that her partner is so in love with her that he does not want to share her with anyone. In reality, he is gradually pushing her to abandon human communication and activities that are important to her.

Susan Forward. Men who hate women and women who love them

The “tragic hero” has a false idea of ​​himself as a worthy, noble, honest worker. Unable to admit that he himself is the culprit of his misfortunes, he sees the woman who supports him as an enemy. Such people had financial problems throughout their adult lives, coupled with teenage habits. He is always ready to explain that all his difficulties are the result of other people's machinations. The “enemies list” might include parents who failed him, cheating business partners who betrayed him, an ex-wife who fleeced him, or a boss who unfairly fired our hero. So it’s only a matter of time before a partner turns into the culprit of a misogynist’s financial condition.

Susan Forward. Men who hate women and women who love them

The misogynist's underlying suspicion stems from the fear that women are "only interested in what they can get." He is sure that thanks to this behavior he is protected from the innate greed of his partner. For this reason, he hides not only money, but even information about money. He can keep his income, assets secret, and hide money in secret bank accounts. To justify this behavior, he usually talks about greed ex-wife or mistresses who were not trustworthy and robbed him of his money.
While the misogynist hides money from his partner, he is willing to spend it liberally on himself, while the partner is prohibited from challenging this choice.

Susan Forward

Susan Forward, Ph.D. with Donna Frazier

EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL

Copyright © 1997 by Susan Forward

Published by arrangement with HarperOne, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.

© Savinov A., translation into Russian, 2017

© Design. LLC Publishing House E, 2017

I told my partner that I was going to go to class once a week in the evenings, and he began to scold me with his characteristic indifference. “Do as you wish - you will still do it your way,” he said, “but do not expect that I will wait for your return. You know - I’m always at your disposal, why don’t you respond in kind now?” I knew his arguments were pointless, but they made me feel like I was being too selfish. I gave up classes. LIZ.

I wanted to spend Christmas traveling with my wife, something we had been looking forward to for months. I called my mom to tell her we finally bought our tickets, but she immediately started crying, “What about Christmas dinner? You know that we always get together on holidays. If you don't come, you'll ruin everyone's Christmas. How can you treat me like this? How many Christmases do you think I have left?” Naturally, I gave up. My wife will kill me when she finds out about this, but I won't be able to enjoy the holidays if the guilt gnaws at me. VOLUME.

I came to my boss to ask for help or to reschedule the completion of a major project. As soon as I mentioned that I needed help, he started working on me. “I know how every day you want to get home quickly,” he said. “But even if your family would like to see you more often now, they will be happy with the promotion we have planned for you.” Our team needs a player who demonstrates true dedication to this task; this is the role you play. But so be it. Spend more time with your family, but consider that if this is more important to you than work, we may reconsider our plans for you.” I felt completely destroyed. Now I don't know what to do. KIM.

What's happening? Why do some people make us think: “I lost again. I constantly accept someone's terms. I didn't say what I should have said. Why can't I prove anything to anyone? How is it that I can’t stand up for myself?” We know that we have been fooled. We feel disappointment and indignation, realizing that we gave in to some person just so as not to offend him. However, we do not know what to do to prevent this from happening again. Why do some people manage to impose their point of view on us through emotions and yet we are left feeling defeated?

People we encounter in situations that are hopeless for us skillfully manipulate our emotional state. They wrap us in a comforting shroud of love if they get what they want, but when they don’t get their way, they often begin to threaten, leaving us feeling guilty and self-deprecating. It may seem that they are using certain methods without realizing it. By the way, many of them may seem like kind, long-suffering individuals who under no circumstances resort to threats.

It is usually one person - a partner, parent, friend, sibling - who constantly manipulates us to the point that we forget that we are even independent adults. Although we may be successful in other areas, with these people we feel cramped and defenseless. They easily deceive us.

Let me give you the example of my client Sarah, a court reporter. Sarah, a vivacious brunette in her 30s, had been dating her peer, Frank, for almost a year. Everything was going well until it came to the wedding. According to Sarah, Frank's attitude towards her changed dramatically, as if he wanted to test her. This became evident when Frank invited Sarah to spend a weekend with him at his cottage in the mountains. “When we arrived, it turned out that the entire cottage was covered with tarpaulin, and there were cans of paint everywhere. He handed me the brush. I didn’t know what to do, so I started painting.” They worked, almost without speaking, all day, and when they finally sat down to rest, Frank took out a wedding ring with a huge diamond. Sarah asked him what this meant, and he replied that he wanted to test her and make sure that after the wedding he would not have to do everything himself. Of course, it didn't end there.

We set a wedding date, agreed on everything, but our relationship went from one extreme to another. Frank continued to give me gifts, but the trials did not stop. One day I didn't agree to babysit his sister's kids for the weekend, and Frank said I didn't have a sense of family and that he should probably call off the wedding. And when I talked about expanding my business, it meant that I wasn't dedicated enough to it. Naturally, I stopped talking about it. All this dragged on endlessly, and I constantly gave in to Frank. But she kept telling herself what he was like. good guy and maybe the fact is that he is simply afraid of the wedding and wants to feel more confident.

Frank's threats sounded calm and yet were extremely effective because they were interspersed with periods of intimacy that were tempting enough to disguise what he was really after. And like many of us, Sarah returned to him time after time.

She succumbed to Frank's manipulations because it was important for her to avoid a quarrel, because a lot was at stake. Like most of us, Sarah felt resentful and irritated, justifying her capitulation with the desire to maintain good relations.

In such situations, we focus on other people's needs at the expense of our own and become complacent in the temporary illusion of safety created by our concessions. We avoided conflict, confrontation and gained the opportunity to establish healthy relationships.

These nasty misunderstandings are the most common cause of disagreement in almost all types of relationships, but they are rarely recognized and almost always misinterpreted. These manipulations are often called misunderstanding. We tell ourselves: “I operate with feelings, and he operates with reason” or “She has a completely different mindset.” But in reality the source of disagreement lies not in different types communication, but in the fact that one person achieves his goal at the expense of another. This is more than a simple misunderstanding - it is a struggle.

Over the years I have searched for a way to describe this struggle and the painful relationship it leads to. I have found that almost everyone is sympathetic to my words when I say that we are dealing with ordinary blackmail in its purest form - blackmail through subjective experiences, or emotional blackmail.

I understand that the word “blackmail” immediately brings to mind an ominous image of crime, horror and extortion. Of course, it is difficult to think of your husband, parents, boss, relatives or children as criminals. However, I have come to the conclusion that blackmail is the only term that accurately describes what is happening. However, the very sharpness of this word will help to clear away the confusion and misunderstandings present in many relationships, and this, in turn, will lead us to clarity.

Let me assure you: emotional blackmail in itself does not mean that it is doomed to destruction. It just makes it clear that we need to honestly acknowledge and correct the behavior that is causing us pain, putting a stronger foundation under these relationships.

WHAT IS EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL

Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us directly or indirectly threaten us with trouble if we don't do what they want. The essence of any type of blackmail is one core threat, which blackmailers express in different ways and which sounds like this: If you don't behave the way I want you to, you'll regret it. A criminal blackmailer may demand money from us, otherwise he threatens to use certain information to destroy our reputation. An emotional blackmailer knows how much we value our relationship with him. He sees our weak sides and hidden secrets. And no matter how much he loves us, the emotional blackmailer uses this knowledge to achieve what he wants: our submission.