“priest Pavel Gumerov “HE and SHE” Preface Part I. Male and female The bitter fruits of emancipation “Generals” in skirts Just generals Daughters - mothers We choose, we are chosen...”

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priest Pavel Gumerov

"He and she"

Preface

Part I. Male and female

The bitter fruits of emancipation

"Generals" in skirts

Just generals

Daughters - mothers

We choose, we are chosen

Female and male logic

White handkerchiefs

Women's happiness - if only a sweetheart were nearby...

What does a man want?

Fathers and mothers

I do not like …

Humiliated and insulted

Part II. Preparing for marriage. How not to make a mistake

Apology for marriage

What is love?

Love

About love

How to get to know each other better?

About mistakes I can’t bear to get married Part III. Husband and wife “Thou hast placed crowns on their heads”

Head of the family Family life Getting ready for married life Debriefing “You shouldn’t bend to a changing world” or the benefits of marital abstinence through fasting.

Traffic rules General interests “The Weakest Vessel”

Take care men!

Heavenly patrons of marriage About happiness.

Part IV. Family storms “Ideal image” or a living person?

Once again about conflicts Everyday affairs About disputes Crises The seventh commandment Passion means suffering Believers and non-believers Mothers-in-law and mothers-in-law Monastery in the world Conclusion Preface We are all very different. Everyone has their own heredity, character, upbringing, education. Therefore, it is sometimes difficult for us to find a common language and come to an agreement. But people are still divided into men and women. The difference between them is simply huge.

Sometimes it seems that these are creatures from different worlds.

Man and woman are mirror opposites of each other.

But we live on the same planet, and the continuation of life on Earth depends on the interaction of the male and female sexes.

This means that we simply need to learn to understand each other.

Why did God create male and female? What does a woman expect from a man and a man from a woman? How can we come to mutual understanding and love? I try to find answers to these and other questions in this book.

When a person approaches a priest and asks to help him understand a difficult family situation, you are often faced with the fact that the questioner does not perceive well what you are telling him. He stands, listens, but somehow with half an ear, as if it’s not about him.

This happens because people don’t want to see: what is their fault and how to correct the situation, starting with themselves. But when such a person reads a book and sees a description of a similar case, he joyfully exclaims: “It’s just written about me!”

The printed word sometimes works better than a long conversation, as it allows you to look at yourself from the outside. I really hope that my humble work will benefit someone.

In my book I often resort to the experience of psychology. Among pious Orthodox Christians, the attitude towards psychology is, to put it mildly, wary. And this is largely true. Taking advantage of the fact that people are now spiritually disoriented, psychoanalysts, especially in the West, have usurped the functions of confessors. People have a need to speak out, to remove a burden from their souls and want to get advice. But they often go not to church, but to a psychoanalyst. But no psychologist has the power to bind and solve human sins. A person will never completely solve his spiritual problems if he does not turn to God. It’s also good if the psychologist is a believer and can direct a person to church.

Today, bookstores are replete with books on psychoanalysis and self-knowledge. But psychology is different. In addition to the works of Sigmund Freud, in addition to manuals on astrological and occult psychology, in addition to books on how to love yourself and learn to manipulate people, there are also quite normal books. They are based on a good knowledge of human behavior, psychotherapy, and psychiatry.

However, these books also need to be read with great consideration. Psychology has accumulated considerable experience that can be used “for peaceful purposes.” Even many priests could use some psychological knowledge. A lot of disciplines are taught at the seminary, a large amount of knowledge is given, but psychology and pedagogy are studied very little.

Secular psychologists make one big mistake. They completely discount the concepts: spirit, soul, passion, sin. It’s as if they don’t exist for them. They explain the processes occurring in the human soul only from a psychophysiological point of view, describe details (sometimes very skillfully), but do not see the whole picture. They seem to wander around a dark room, stumble upon objects, feel them and say: “This is a chair, here is a table.” But they are not allowed to see the whole room. Therefore, it would be very good to combine those valuable developments that undoubtedly exist in psychology with the experience of the Church. After all, everything has been said long ago in the Holy Scriptures and the works of the holy fathers. How can we live, how to overcome sin within ourselves and love our neighbor, how to find happiness in the family.

–  –  –

Before we start talking about how to find family happiness and avoid conflicts in the family, it is necessary to at least briefly talk about how we differ from each other.

What are the features of the male and female psyche and what is the purpose of a man and a woman?

Man and woman. Two completely different creatures.

It's no secret that people, despite their external similarity:

arms, legs, head are strikingly different from each other according to gender. And the point here is not even in the structure of the body, not in physiology, but in the fact that men and women are able to think and feel completely differently. On the topic of men's and female psychology a huge number of works have been written. There are many theories trying to explain the behavior and thinking of men and women. Among them there are many completely absurd ones, either saying that sexual differences were necessary as the engine of evolution, or comparing men and women with males and females. Moreover, male infidelities and promiscuity in them are explained by the desire of the male to impregnate as many females as possible. And in these constructions, women are assigned the unenviable role of a meat and dairy farm for the production of offspring. Well, as they say, whoever hurts, talks about it. The main mistake is that researchers of this problem consider man only a higher animal, albeit a very complex and intelligent one, but still a beast. Man, unlike animals, has a mind, an immortal soul and a completely different calling.

What is the true purpose of the male and female sex, and what do men and women want from each other?

We will not delve into the jungle of psychology and psychoanalysis. Moreover, the answer to this question was given a long time ago, even before the birth of all human civilizations. Let us open the greatest book ever written, the Bible.

It is known that God created the first man Adam, and then Eve. “And the Lord God said:

It is not good for man to be alone; let us create for him a helper suitable for him. And the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep: and when he fell asleep, he took one of his ribs and covered that place with flesh. And the man said: “This is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she will be called wife, for she was taken from her husband” (Gen. 2:18-23). There are many interpretations on this topic, one of which says that the word “rib” in Hebrew has several meanings and can be translated as the edge, the side of male nature; and it was from this that woman was created. But all this is not so important, what is important is that woman was not created as an independent being, but was taken from her husband. The following is said about the wife: “And your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you” (Gen. 3.

16). Let us accept this as an axiom, for everything that is said in the Bible about the relationship between a man and a woman is the truth, verified by the many thousands of years of human history. What does this have to do with the mystery of the behavior of men and women? The most direct.

These words of Scripture help answer a very important question: “What does a woman want from a man and what does a man, in turn, want from a woman?” At the beginning of this chapter it was already said that the way of thinking and behavior of creatures of different sexes have very little in common with each other. I think everyone knows the expression “female logic”. Of course, men came up with this phrase, and this happened because they could not understand that men and women in the same situation think and behave completely differently. And this is a very big problem. A man, trying to understand a woman, tries to take her place, but he fails, because... he is a man, not a woman.

As a result, he declares that women's thinking is irrational, illogical, and that a woman is, in principle, incapable of normal thinking. The same thing happens when a woman tries to understand men. Everyone looks from their own bell tower. All this is very disturbing, especially in marriage. So, let's try to penetrate this mystery. I would like to warn you right away that we will not be talking about specific representatives of the male and female sex, because this world is very diverse, but about the general laws of nature, which are inherent by nature in the psyche of men and women. The words of God addressed to Eve: “... your desire is for your husband,” express the essence of female behavior towards a man. In female nature there is initially, genetically, love and attraction to her husband, and dependence on him. I dare say more: a man is not capable of loving the way a woman loves. Second: a woman’s calling is to be a mother. “A woman... is saved through childbearing,” Holy Scripture tells us (1 Tim. 2.15). And these two desires: to be a mother and the desire for a man as a strong, strong being who can give her protection, support and support are inherent in the nature of every woman. And this desire is not only and not so much conscious as unconscious.

Even if a woman does not want to have children at all, even if she has devoted her whole life to the struggle for the ideals of feminism, equality and equality of women with men, you cannot trample against nature, as they say. I'll try to explain.

The bitter fruits of emancipation It is absolutely known: when a woman begins to fight for equality with men, this means that she is not happy in her personal life. This whole struggle is a powerless protest against an unfulfilled fate and a secret desire for simple female happiness.

One day, Archpriest Dimitry Smirnov was invited by the famous public figure Ekaterina Lakhova to speak to women in the State Duma. And so one and a half thousand women, parliamentarians, and government representatives from all over Russia gathered in the Duma hall. This is what Father Dimitri said: “By hairstyles, by figures, by appearance I saw that these were all very strong, powerful women. And Ekaterina Filippovna herself, in the Russian expression, will stop a galloping horse or an elephant. For some time, when they were performing, I thought, what should I say to them? And then it dawned on me, and I turned to them: “Dear women! All of you here advocated for equality with men, talked about politics, about emancipation. But imagine for a second that in a week you will meet a man, a real knight, who is physically, mentally and in all qualities stronger, more noble than you. And he will say: “I love you, drop everything and follow me.” And I'm sure any of you will go. A groan echoed throughout the hall. And then a voice echoed from the audience: “Yes!!!” And then Fr. Dimitri said: “Yes, you see, this is normal, this is understandable. You entered politics according to your qualities. But this happened because your personal life did not work out. You are either single, divorced, or your husband is not a match for you. This explains everything.”1) The basis, the root of the emancipation and the feminist movement is not the struggle against men in general, but a sort of subconscious protest against men’s inadequacy and weakness. In ancient times, a man simply could not afford to be weak (although there were, of course, exceptions). Life was like that. Hunting, wars, difficult living conditions. He earned bread by the sweat of his brow and then guarded it with weapons in his hands. Men and women remembered their purpose. With the destruction of the traditional foundations of society, with the decline of faith and morality, people began to forget about this. In the 18th century the bloody French Revolution took place. It was then that women's emancipation was born. Of course, both women and men had a hand in this. Men with their weakness and connivance. Women with their pride and stupidity. But the female sex itself suffered the most from this. But what they fought for, as they say, is what they ran into. General emancipation gave rise to the cult " strong woman"sort of "Amazon"

and this has led to the fact that there are very few real strong men left.

The male gender was crushed. After all, being strong next to a powerful, independent, strong-willed woman is very difficult; the bar is very high. Emancipation gave rise to other evils.

Infantilism. Many males liked to depend on a woman for everything, first on their mother, then on their wife. Their ideal of the “femme fatale” was precisely an emancipated, strong, dominant woman. This type of woman commands respect from them.

But if such an “infant” marries such an “emancipe,” there will be no happiness in such a marriage. The wife very soon begins to be annoyed by her husband’s weak character, she wants completely different behavior from him, she is disappointed, begins to get irritated, “fight” with her husband, and he accepts all this exactly the opposite. Not as a disappointment in his masculinity, but as a manifestation of the strength and determination of her character. Of course, such behavior is unworthy of a man and borders on perversion, but, unfortunately, this model of behavior is not uncommon in our time. This is what a woman has done in her quest to be “manly.”

Emancipation is not an elevation, but a humiliation of a woman, for it is a denial of her essence, her beautiful and great destiny, to be the keeper of peace and love in the family and the vessel in which a new life is born.

Each gender has its own functions, unique to it. And the Lord arranged it this way, not only the physical nature, but also the psyche, the soul of each sex responded, served its purpose. A woman can wear men's clothes, do men's work (maybe even quite well), but she can never think like a man, feel like a man, a woman's soul cannot become masculine. Yes, women have always been dependent on men. This has been the case at all times, among all peoples. The theory that matriarchy existed somewhere in some society is nothing more than a historical tale. There is no serious evidence of this.* But a man never experiences the joys that are given to a woman - motherhood, the ability to love and feel like that. That's why he's a man.

*The hypothesis about the existence of an allegedly matriarchal society in history was first put forward in the 19th century by the Swiss legal scholar Jacob Bachofen, who was neither a historian nor an archaeologist. He compiled his work "Mother's Right" using Egyptian and Greek myths. Later, the myth of matriarchy was happily taken up by Marxists, in particular Engels. Modern researchers do not find any serious evidence of the matriarchal hypothesis. For those interested in this problem, I advise you to read Stella Jorgudi’s article “The Creation of the Myth of Matriarchy”, published in the book “The History of Women in the West.” S.p b. 2005, T.I.

“Generals” in skirts I think many people are familiar with the picture: a wife with a powerful, strong-willed character, a kind of “general” in a skirt, commands her husband. At the same time, she develops vigorous activity, fussing, trying to drag everyone at home into this bustle. She has a very low opinion of her husband, as a weak-willed, weak person who cannot make any decision. She constantly nags him for this, although when she got married, this state of affairs suited her. In this situation, the husband is usually guided by the principle: “Sail my boat according to the will of the waves.” That is, nothing can be fixed, and therefore we must live with minimal losses. He doesn’t want to change, but from his wife’s attacks he hides in the company of friends, throws himself into work or spends time watching TV and the computer. And it seems like he has no choice but to fight with his grumpy wife. The example is, so to speak, classic. What can I say? Does this situation suit your wife? Outwardly, she may seem happy. Her power ambitions are satisfied. But more often than not, the wife swears and gets angry at her husband precisely because she is not at all happy with this position (which she, however, chose herself). And this makes her lose her temper.

She is already tired of being a commander and pulling the family cart; she wants something completely different - support, care, attention from her husband. All these desires are inherent in the nature of any woman. Every person, including women, has two layers, two levels, in their psyche. Consciousness and subconsciousness. The role, the game that a woman plays (maybe all her life) has little in common with what she really wants. So, due to her character and many other circumstances, she consciously wants to look after and command her husband, to be his mother, but unconsciously, by female instinct, she wants to be weak and defenseless herself, she wants to trust someone, rely on someone.

A woman, no matter what role she takes on, is always a woman. As they say in one famous film: “After all, I’m just a woman, and then I’m Yaga.” If she had married a real man at one time, that is, her life had taken place in different circumstances, everything could have been different. In order not to be unfounded, I will give one example. I recognized a girl who had a very obstinate character. In addition, she was a big fan of arguing. To be honest, I thought that if my friend got married, she would have serious problems. She also got married after long disputes with relatives who did not really want this marriage. Thank God she was lucky with her husband. He turned out to be a strong, independent and responsible person. After a few years, I simply didn’t recognize her. She became a loving, obedient wife and caring mother.

The fact is that women, unlike men, are much more mobile and can get used to and adapt to changing living conditions. What oppresses and changes a woman can break a man. This quality is inherent in her, again from God.

Firstly, in all centuries and times, women depended on men; they simply needed to change and adapt to the will of their rulers. Secondly, the lives of men have always been at great risk. He defended his wife and family, often at the cost of his life, fought wild animals while hunting, fought, and his wives very often remained widows. And the woman had to raise children, feed them, getting used to new conditions, overcoming difficulties. After the Great Patriotic War, when less than half of the men returned from the front, it was women who had to raise their families and rebuild the destroyed country. A woman is limited in her choice of husband. She says either “yes” or “no” to anyone who asks for her hand in marriage. It has always been this way. If a woman were less flexible and resilient, she simply would not survive among men. A common situation: a man loses his job and starts drinking and becomes depressed. In this case, the woman finds a new one, retrains, works two jobs at once, but rarely loses heart. A woman is a mother, she thinks about children, family, lives and survives for them, overcoming all difficulties. Therefore, a woman has a greater ability to adapt; she is ready to get used to new conditions, and not break or change them at any cost. Therefore, you can change a woman only by changing the conditions and changing yourself. A woman is not a conqueror, she only equips and cultivates what has been conquered by men.

But let's return to our “generals”. Of course, the situation is abnormal, because a woman takes on a role that is unusual for her. Psychologists say that a woman’s directiveness and authority is a sign of her dissatisfaction with the life she leads. No matter what such women say, they want to see in a man strong man, who is able to take the situation into his own hands and even sometimes tell her “NO!”

However, here you need not to overdo it, because the main thing a woman needs is the caring protection of a man whom she can trust. That is, advice to the husband in such a situation: “be a man, she is waiting for this!” But the main problem here is not with the wife, but, as a rule, with the husband. Such husbands most often do not want to change anything. There are many reasons for this.

First: change is hard, especially for a weak man; being strong is much harder for him than being henpecked. Very often, men choose such wives for themselves, since his mother has exactly the same commanding character. The boy found himself a second mother.

Since childhood, he has become accustomed to the fact that in kindergarten, at school, and at home he was led by women and he does not want to change anything. This is an alarming symptom, since there will be no peace and tranquility in such a marriage. After all, at least one of the parties is not satisfied with this situation.

To be fair, it must be said that if the wife wants to change the situation, then her behavior must also change, but we’ll talk more about this in the chapter “Family Storms.”

Fortunately, there are situations that are not hopeless, when both husband and wife are very tired of all this and they finally understand what they want from each other. Then God help them.

–  –  –

Father Dimitry Smirnov, talking a lot with military people, noticed an interesting thing:

generals, strict military commanders, who in service can bark so loudly that the whole system will shake, at home they allow their wives to command, lead or take care of them. Husbands even like it. In the service, they are so tired of giving instructions and orders that in the family they want someone to decide something for them, to do something. At the same time, peace and harmony reign in the family. This situation completely suits both parties. The generals already know that they are real men, and the wives are sure that when necessary, they can always rely on their faithful ones, they are only so gentle in the little things, and when necessary, they will take the initiative into their own hands and make the right decision. I observed the same picture in the families of some venerable archpriests and rectors of churches.

If a man is strong, he doesn’t have to prove it with foam at the mouth, he’d rather prove it with action.

In general, the wives of military men and priests are a separate issue. They can only be compared with the wives of the Decembrists. After all, not every wife will wander with her husband all over the country, without permanent housing, live in garrisons, military camps on a meager salary, or help her husband restore a destroyed church in a remote village in some distant diocese.

Daughters - Mothers Let's consider another very important reason why a woman is attracted to a man and wants him to be responsible, strong, courageous, decisive, independent and at the same time caring.

A woman is looking not only and not so much for a husband, but also a father for her future children. She often does this unconsciously; perhaps there is no thought about children in his head. A woman feels in her nature that all of the above properties of a real man will be necessary not only for her, but for the entire family. Left without a husband, or without one at all, it is extremely difficult for a woman to raise and raise children, and not only because of lack of funds.

A woman's motherhood manifests itself in her entire being. For example, at first glance it seems that a woman is inherently commercial. What do women usually talk about (which men avoid so much)? About home preparations, about some household things, about who bought which washing machine, who treated children with what, etc. But all these themes are not at all a sign of a woman’s down-to-earthness, but an underlying concern for the family, for children, real or subconscious. Children are the greatest happiness for a mother; she cannot remember herself from joy.

It is generally impossible to communicate normally with young mothers. They can’t talk except about undershirts, nipples, and what her precious little one has learned to do.

All feminine properties and qualities, one way or another, serve the maternal purpose of a woman. For example, her ability to adapt to changing conditions and survive in them. She knows that if something happens, taking care of the family will fall on her shoulders. Even “female egoism” (which, by the way, is a purely male term) is a woman’s subconscious concern for herself as a mother and mistress of the house.

The maternal instinct can be directed by a woman not only at children, but also at some other object, for example, in an exaggerated form at her husband; this, as a rule, harms herself. We have already touched on this topic in the chapter “Generals in Skirts.”

We choose, we are chosen It so happens that, due to her destiny, a woman is almost free from decision-making. This shows up in everything. The man chooses his bride, the woman can only say “yes” or “no.” This, of course, can also be called a solution, but it is not. To understand what a decision is, let’s turn to the “Dictionary of General Psychology”: “Decision making

– the act of forming a sequence of actions leading to achieving a goal based on the analysis of initial information in a situation of uncertainty.” Simply put, a decision is a consistently developed plan of action that leads to an end goal. And such a decision is given to a woman with great difficulty. The ability to think logically, consistently, quickly and correctly make decisions is more common in men.

Even if a woman is specially taught logic, strategy and tactics, for example, taught to play chess, under equal conditions she will not play like a man. In this sport, professional men's and women's tournaments are held separately.

A woman by nature is always more inclined to ask for advice than to make a decision on her own.

Life puts a woman in certain circumstances, and she must either agree with them (as usually happens) or not. Dear ladies especially need to know this in order to avoid making a very big mistake when getting married. For it is known that a woman lives more by her feelings, sensations and emotions than by her mind. So, having made a mistake once, you can simply cross out your entire life.

Priests and psychotherapists know how painful and difficult it is for a woman to make any decision. When you tell her: “I gave you advice, and the rest depends only on you, no one will make this decision for you.” How long can she then not make up her mind, and sometimes she completely leaves everything as it is, until life itself dots all the i’s.

Managers and bosses know very well how difficult it is for women to make any work decisions, how they constantly wait for instructions from men. And, believe me, there is nothing wrong with this. It’s just women’s nature and psyche. A man makes a decision and bears the full burden of responsibility for it, and a woman is a very good performer.

But if the decision is made incorrectly, it is not the woman who will feel ashamed. Any church rector knows that it is easier to work with women; they are always more diligent, careful, and obliging. A man is the brain, he decides, he can explain very well and draw up a plan, but the active, creative side is the privilege of women. This cannot be taken away from them.

Women always respect men who know how to make decisions and this is what they expect from their husbands.

Enough interesting fact that it is easier for a mother without a father to raise a daughter than a son, and not only because the boy needs his father’s authority. A boy, although small, is already a man, he can easily subjugate his mother, force her to act according to his desires, whims, he can begin to decide everything for her.

Even when a woman seems to be making decisions, she, again, as a rule, only agrees or disagrees with the proposed conditions. For example, her husband left her - she can only come to terms with it, or vice versa; she left her husband for another man, again someone else decides for her.

But someone might object, what about our “iron ladies” – female politicians?

Firstly, politicians have not decided anything for a long time. They simply voice decisions that a small group of people makes for them. Let's call it "World Government", and I'm sure there are no women there. Secondly, women begin to engage in politics, which they understand nothing about and which they are largely indifferent to, when they want to prove that they are in no way inferior to men. And here they really don’t need to make decisions. Well, what about the Russian empresses, who seemed to rule a huge power, marched armies, won battles?

First. There may be exceptions to every rule. Second. Next to the empresses there were always men who actually led the state and made decisions. The most striking examples are Anna Ioannovna and the rule of temporary workers and Catherine II with her many favorites.

It so happened, both essentially and historically, that in the state, in society and in the Church, decisions are made by men. And they generally do it well.

All this places a special responsibility on the man; his decisions concern not only himself, but also the woman for whom he made this decision. Let me be understood correctly; I don’t want to say that a woman has no free will at all, the right to choose. God gave this to us and it cannot be taken away from anyone, even from a death row prisoner in solitary confinement. But choice and decision are two different things, this must be remembered.

What conclusion can be drawn from all this, and what advice can be given to women? Men are better at making decisions, trust them to do it. And thank God if there is a decisive, wise man next to you who is responsible for his decisions.

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To achieve peace and mutual understanding, in the Gospel we are given the so-called “golden rule”: “So in everything, as you want people to do to you, do so to them” (Matthew 7.12).

We will return to this rule more than once. To understand what actions and words our neighbor expects from us, and how to deal with him, we need to learn to put ourselves in his place. But this is not at all easy; understand the other person. It is especially difficult to understand a being of a different gender. Often we understand completely different things by the same words and sometimes want completely different things from each other. However, knowing the characteristics of the male and female psyche, this can be done. Everyone knows the expression “female logic”. It happened again from the inability to understand each other. Often, to men, the reasoning and actions of women seem wrong and illogical, but in fact, a woman simply has her own truth, her own vision of the world. I read such an example in one psychology book. The woman says the phrase: “I absolutely don’t care what kind of ice cream you buy me.” The man, following his logic, will answer: “What do you mean “indifferent?” I'm going to buy you ice cream. I don't know what kind of ice cream you want. So be so kind as to answer me exactly: vanilla or ice cream?” And this is an example typical mistake. Behind the woman’s phrase “I absolutely don’t care...” is literally the following: “Do the deed! Well, show that you are capable of making a decision, that you can take care of me, that you are ready to take responsibility.” In this case, she wants to experience the happiness of interaction with a man, to feel this presence, his action; and in comparison with this, the pleasantness of feeling a certain taste of ice cream is pure nonsense! As they say, a gift is not precious, but attention is precious. She knows what she wants, but the way she presents it is a dark forest for a man. And the man may also be offended and think that the fact that he wants to buy the lady ice cream is completely indifferent to her. After all, if she doesn’t explain what kind of ice cream she wants, it means she doesn’t want it at all. A man understands the same phrase literally, but a woman sees a completely different meaning behind it. Men don't like subtexts and hidden messages. They like to sort everything into shelves. A woman sees the end result, which she considers important for herself or for the family, or for something else, she sees, as it were, the problem as a whole. But for a man, it is important to solve a problem, what precedes the result, a logical chain that leads to the final goal. This again is rooted in a man's ability and purpose to make decisions.

Women don't really need ordinary male logic. She can admire a man’s logical constructions like a bizarre pattern, and act according to her intuition and feelings. For example, women are very little interested in the design of a car.

How all these crankshafts, pistons and gears power the car.

If he learns something, it’s just enough to be able to fix a car on the road. She is interested in a car as a means of transportation for her and her children somewhere in kindergarten or to the market. Or she perceives the car as a plush toy to which she can attach bows, but she doesn’t necessarily know what’s inside.

To men, some ideas and reasoning of women seem funny, mundane and limited. But they are much closer to life and reality than reasonable and logical male constructs. Therefore, men should not be reckless, but sometimes listen to what a woman says, try to explain for themselves, understand. Again, if a woman wants her opinion to be listened to, she needs to learn how to coherently express her thoughts and convey them to a man.

White handkerchiefs

Even people who never go to church know that there are significantly more women in the church than men. There was even a joke in Soviet times: “There are only girls in jazz, and only grandmothers in church.” Now, thank God, the situation is different. There are many young people in the temple, many men, but women are still the overwhelming majority. What does this have to do with our topic? The most direct. Men and women have different natures, souls, and therefore different views of the world.

There is a lot of paradox in the psyche of men and women. It seems that complex theological and philosophical questions, the search for the meaning of life is a privilege of the male sex. A man is a philosopher, theologian, thinker.

Not to mention the fact that our priesthood is traditionally male (other confessions do not count). Women, as a rule, are of little interest to any deep theological problems. But there are more women in the temple. And it was thanks to women that the Church survived.

There are several reasons. Firstly. Men are more proud. And the Orthodox faith is built on humility and repentance. The word repentance itself in Greek sounds like metanoia, i.e. change. And as we know, change is very difficult for men. Priests know how often male confession differs from female confession. Men are very reluctant to admit their mistakes. Women, on the contrary, often repent with tears in their eyes. It is very difficult for a proud person to work in the Church. In the Church, everything is based on obedience and humility. The parishioners obey the priest. The priest is the rector, the rector is the dean, the dean is the bishop, the bishop is the patriarch. Everything is very hierarchical. The abbots of the temples know how difficult it is to work with men; they have their own opinion on everything. The second reason lies in the structure of a woman’s soul. She most often lives by feelings, and faith is a feeling. It cannot be explained rationally. It is impossible to rationally explain why God is a Trinity or that Christ was born of a virgin. One can only believe in this.

Evidence only works up to a certain limit, beyond which faith begins.

Men try to logically explain everything as a theorem, put it on shelves. Faith is trust. Trust in God that God will never deceive us or abandon us. How we trust our parents as children. The father throws the child, and then catches him and the child knows that the father will definitely catch him, he believes him. In the same way, we must trust God as our Heavenly Father. By the way, the third reason why it is easier for a woman to come to church and believe is rooted in the fact that God is our Father. Women, by virtue of their destiny, are weaker, dependent creatures. She needs support. To do this, she is given a husband whom she can rely on, lean on, he can help her make a decision. It has been noticed that in the Church there are a lot of widows, single women, or women who have problems in their families.

Of course, this does not mean that the Church is a substitute for the family. These are different things. Again, this does not mean that men do not need to go to church. It’s just easier for a woman to come to God, it’s easier for her to ask for protection and help. Faith helps a woman a lot to survive in difficult conditions, she is no longer alone, God is with her.

She comes to the temple and prays for herself, for her children, for her (often unbelieving) husband. Although, as a rule, it is difficult for a woman to comprehend some complex spiritual issues.

Her faith is, to a large extent, a feeling, a feeling, it is intuitive. She is often driven by the instinct of self-preservation and family preservation.

So, it is easier for a woman to come to church, there are more of them in the Church, but without men the Church will not stand. Because the man was and will always remain the head of the church community, the performer of the Divine Liturgy, the image of Christ for the Church and for his family.

Women's happiness - if only a sweetheart were nearby... On the one hand, this is of course necessary; It is next to her husband, a man, that a woman realizes herself as a wife, mother. On the other hand, we, dear men, should not delude ourselves: being next to your spouse and delighting her with your presence is only, as they say, a minimum minimorum. And we need to work hard to make our loved ones truly happy.

Generally speaking, almost every woman expects two things from a man:

First: the ability to make decisions (that is, decisiveness) and be responsible for them. After all, being the head of the family, a responsible person, is a man’s direct calling.

The second thing any woman and wife wants is an attentive and caring attitude towards her from her beloved man. After all, in the nature of a woman, there is a desire from God for a strong male shoulder, for a being who can take care of her, support, listen and console her. If she does not find this in a man, her behavior becomes inconsistent with feminine nature and purpose. Both she and her husband suffer from this.

Determination and responsibility on the one hand, and tenderness and attention on the other - this is the key to the heart of a beloved woman.

Much has already been said about determination and responsibility.

Let us dwell in more detail on why a woman so needs communication with her beloved man, and why she so values ​​attention from him. Lack of communication between spouses often causes mutual alienation and family conflicts.

Many men brought their marriages to divorce simply because they neglected communication with their spouses, they simply did not understand that their spouses really needed their attention. This common mistake occurs because people do not realize how different male and female natures are.

American psychologist John Gray writes: “One of the most important differences between men and women is the way they behave in stressful situations. Men tend to withdraw into themselves in order to “digest” the problem and the associated experiences alone, while women are simply overwhelmed by emotions. At such moments, men and women need completely different things to pull themselves together. It becomes easier for a man when he takes on the solution to a problem, and for a woman - when she starts talking about it.

Failure to understand and accept these differences creates unnecessary friction in our relationships. Let's look at one quite common example.

Tom came into the house: he needs to relieve tension, relax, he wants to sit down and calmly read the newspaper. The day turned out to be difficult, some problems remained unresolved, and Tom needed to distract himself and forget about them.

Mary, his wife, also had a difficult day; she also wants to relax.

However, the relief for her is to speak out without missing any of the day's problems. And so tension arises between the spouses, grows and, in the end, results in mutual irritation and resentment.

Tom thinks to himself that Mary talks too much. And at the same time, it seems to Mary that her husband is ignoring her... The fruit of such mutual misunderstanding is alienation, the separation of the spouses.

You are probably very familiar with this situation in which, it should be noted, a man and a woman are worth each other. This problem is not just for Tom and Mary - almost everyone faces it. And her decision for Tom and Mary depends not only on how dear they are to each other, but also on the extent to which each of them is able to understand a representative of the opposite sex. Not understanding what a woman needs to “throw off”

problem, you really need to talk about it, Tom will still think that his wife talks too much. And Mary, not knowing that Tom took up the newspaper in order to come to his senses a little, will think that her husband is ignoring her, neglecting her. And he will try to involve him in a conversation, while he doesn’t want to at all.”1) What to do about it? How to resolve these contradictions between the male and female sexes?

Firstly. Take it for granted. Indeed, men and women are very, very different creatures and nothing can be done about it, God created us that way. We just need to know our differences in order not to sulk at each other and not take the characteristics inherent in each gender as a personal insult.

Secondly. It is necessary to treat each other with care and understanding, and try to come to some kind of compromise that will suit both of you. And, of course, “bear one another’s burdens” (Gal. 6.2). That is, wives should be less offended by their husbands for “inattention,” and husbands should spend more time communicating with their spouses.

____________________

1) John Gray. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. M., 2007. p.45, 46 What does a man want?

So, we found out, “What does a woman want?” We talked about the peculiarities of male and female logic, and now it’s time to talk about what a man expects from a woman and how a woman’s purpose is revealed in relation to a man. Although, it seems to me, when discussing male virtues, the topic of women's vocation has already been partially covered.

We have already talked about what the Lord said when creating the first woman, Eve: “It is not good for man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him” (Gen. 2.18). What does it mean “an assistant corresponding to him”? Here, of course, we do not mean some kind of clerk, a secretary who will help Adam give names to the created animals. Both in ancient times and in our days, a man by his nature, despite his external strength, power, and thick skin, was a very vulnerable and vulnerable creature, much more than a woman. Under the armor of masculinity, a man hides a very fragile nature. That is, a man needs someone nearby who will love and pity him, and therefore help him. For helping your husband, supporting him is not only waiting for him home with a hot lunch and keeping the fire burning home, but something more. On earth there was no equal among creations to man. And so the Lord creates a woman - a creature who can give a man the kind of love that he may not even be capable of. Because a woman is given the ability to feel much more acutely and fully than a man. Why did the Lord create the first man so vulnerable, vulnerable, etc.? It's hard to say, but God doesn't do anything by accident. This means that He wanted the man to be loved and to be able to love himself. One fact testifies to the fact that a man’s soul is more delicate, fragile and sensitive. Women are five times more likely to commit suicide (i.e. suicide), but three times less likely to die by suicide. That is, for a woman, as a rule, attempting suicide is a kind of “pampering” (so to speak). There is no desire to really die, but a desire for pity and sympathy. It is known that the female sex is more susceptible to depression, but comes out of this state much easier.

How many times has it been noticed: a woman becomes depressed, cries, that’s it, the end of her life. You feel sorry for her a little, sympathize with her, and she has already perked up and smiles. It's not like that for men. Men, whose feelings can be hidden very deeply, have more psychological problems than women. Women’s ability to rebuild and adapt to living conditions has already been mentioned above.

One more point: men traditionally hide their feelings; experiences for them are a manifestation of male weakness. Women need to know all this so that when they need to come to the aid of men. Men don't like to show their feelings, it makes them vulnerable. But this does not mean that he is somehow rude and insensitive.

For a man, what he usually does is work, his favorite thing is of very great importance. This is again connected with his masculine destiny, the dominant personality, the breadwinner of the family. It is a grave insult for a man if his wife calls him a loser, or worse, a weakling. For him, this is worse than female infidelity. Even when a wife earns a little more than her husband or has achieved a higher position, this is the cause of the man’s constant internal dissatisfaction. Another thing is that sometimes he himself is to blame for this. But it's not that. And the fact is that a woman’s task is to inspire a man in his activities.

At all times, men have performed feats and actions for the sake of women. Knights won tournaments for the sake of their ladies, poets dedicated poems to them, artists painted canvases and sculpted statues in their honor. That is, women were their muses. A man is like a child; his activities need constant high appreciation and favor from the woman he loves. He needs positive reinforcement. It is a very bad symptom if a woman is not interested in what her husband is doing or what is happening at work.

It has already been noted more than once that if people a happy family and the husband has achieved some heights, for him the praise of his wife is higher than all prizes and state awards. He seems to dedicate his achievements to her. If a man is a grandmaster, a world champion, everyone carries him in their arms, and his wife doesn’t care about what he does (which means she doesn’t love him), will he be happy? Hardly.

There is a Russian proverb: “A smart wife is a mistress to her husband.” What does it mean? Of course, it is not that the wife dominates or rules over her husband. And the fact that a wife who supports her husband when he feels bad, encourages him when he does something good, shows determination, can achieve much more than if she follows him, nags him and bothers him with endless requests.

It is necessary to cultivate his best sides in a man through assessment and positive reinforcement of these qualities. And first of all, he expects this support from the woman he loves. We have already talked about female and male depression. Women are more outgoing.

Women are more optimistic by nature. Otherwise, they would not be able to survive in the conditions of the modern (and not only) constantly changing aggressive world. And since a woman’s task is to be a “beautiful lady,” “muse,” “good genius” for a man, she must have this quality in order to instill love of life, cheerfulness in him.

Every wife needs to remember that it is not only the man’s social activities that need reinforcement and encouragement, although this is very important. It’s not without reason that they say that a man’s success is often determined by the type of woman next to him. But, first of all, what a man does for the woman herself needs to be assessed. For a man, praise from the lips of his beloved woman, gratitude for what he did for her (even for some little thing) is higher than all awards and prizes. And a smart woman knows this very well. As St. said Martyr Empress Alexandra Feodorovna: “Love needs its daily bread.” But the most important thing that a man expects from a woman is selfless love. It is very important for a man to feel that he is loved not for something, but for who he is; for this, a man is ready to do a lot.

If a husband starts complaining about his wife, for some reason I don’t feel any compassion for him. First: he made his own choice. No one pulled him down the aisle with a lasso. Second: what kind of man are you if you whine that a weak woman is offending you? And finally, third: it is much easier for a woman to change than for a man. A woman’s behavior is very much determined by living conditions and the kind of man who is next to her. To put it simply: a woman will only be a real woman next to a real man. So, if a man has a dysfunctional family, he should not complain, but take a closer look in the mirror, maybe he’ll see something.

Fathers and Mothers The Apostle Paul has wonderful words addressed to spouses. These words accurately reveal the meaning of marriage, that the Church included them in the rite of the sacrament of Marriage:

“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the Church.” And further: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her” (Eph. 5.24-25).

Great is the purpose of a man. He is not just the head of his wife, called upon to patronize her and make decisions that are important for the whole family. He is compared to Christ. Much higher. Christ doesn't just love the Church. He is the Shepherd who lays down His life for His sheep. But Christ is not only the Spouse of the Church. He and her Father. Since a husband is compared with Christ in everything, it means that he is also in some way a father, not only for the whole family, but also for his wife.

Let's look at this in more detail. There is a theory that wives are divided into daughters and mothers based on their character type. It's clear what we're talking about. The mother is the dominant, dominant woman. The daughter is a follower, submissive. The classic scheme is the father

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Vladimir Vysotsky: the tragedy of the Russian soul

Priest Pavel Gumerov

To the 75th anniversary of the birth of Vladimir Vysotsky

PREFACE

The book by Father Pavel Gumerov is in many ways an original view of a modern priest on the personality and work of the modern Russian poet Vladimir Semenovich Vysotsky. The author skillfully and thoroughly sets out his point of view on the significance of the poet for the people of our time, and does not close his eyes to the problem of the passions that tormented him.

Believers are always concerned about the degree of responsibility of great people before God and their neighbors. What will prevail at the Last Judgment - the personal life of a genius with its inevitable sinful gyrations or the positive fruits of his creativity? Will the Lord, for example, justify the pain inflicted by a genius on other people if the offender is talented, and all humanity enjoys the good fruits of his deeds - poetry, prose, paintings?

Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky once said that all our grandiose social experiments are not worth a penny if at least a single child’s tear is shed at their foundation. Interesting idea, isn't it? So how to be here and what to do? The most difficult question. Genius is not a panacea. And we know for certain that God accounts for everything, all human sins. And bright people are no exception here. To whom much is given, much will be required. Yes, God is love, but a person, including a particularly gifted one, with his own misdeeds closes himself off from the all-encompassing divine love. Where is the way out?

Surprisingly, God’s judgment is often carried out here on earth, and a sinner undergoes earthly torment that saves his soul, often leading him to repentance and transformation. A classic example is the bullet Pushkin received in the stomach from Dantes, an insult to his honor. But didn’t Pushkin behave just as unworthily in other situations, living with other people’s wives? Retribution for sin will certainly return as a boomerang - this immutable law spiritual life. But as a result, Pushkin, dying, blotted out many of his sins with genuine repentance and sincere forgiveness of the murderer.

Vladimir Vysotsky suffered painfully from alcohol addiction, did not spare his health at all in his work and ended his life with a grave death. But isn’t this a mysterious balance in God’s providence for the poet? After all, he, like Pushkin, living and grieving for people, suffered not only from evil passions, but also from the exorbitantly sacrificial strain of all his strength, and therefore, I want to believe, he died forgiven in many ways. Yes, his personal life, for example, did not work out. But who knows if his sublime lyrical works did not help one or another people overcome mutual alienation, forgive each other everything and not part? And this is just one stroke of Vysotsky’s possible positive influence on millions of his readers and listeners. The poet's mature work, especially his military, lyrical and civil cycle, strengthens their souls, imparts courage, teaches friendship, fosters responsibility for everything that happens around, preaches love and stern tenderness.

In eternity, a very gratifying picture may open up for such sufferers, since all of them, having suffered in the earthly vale, will meet God in paradise and find forgiveness from Him, for they have already drunk their cup of pain. Man is an extremely complex being, the highest creation of God, and the Lord loves him immeasurably. That is why He has mercy towards us, which exalts itself above judgment.

Let us remember one thing - when assessing Vysotsky’s personality and his role in Russian history (and it is undeniable), our leitmotif should always be the words: mercy is higher than justice. If justice is carried out only according to justice, then all those who condemn the poet, just like the poet, must be executed by God and doomed to eternal torment, since they too are immeasurable sinners. Shake them well - and sins will fall out of them like from a cornucopia.

Priest Pavel Gumerov followed in the footsteps of his parent, a famous spiritual writer, the father of Job, distinguished by his high learning, strong faith, humility and non-judgment, and even outwardly similar to Fr. Pavel Florensky. The author of the book speaks theologically competently and humanly sensibly about our great and difficult contemporary, places the right emphasis, strives to reveal and solve all the most painful problems associated with the attitude of believers towards the poet. And I must say, he succeeds quite well.

The book is written in fresh, lively language. One can clearly feel the author's ardent desire to show all the validity of his deep love for a man who was and in many ways remains a faithful senior comrade for him.

Archpriest Mikhail Khodanov,

INTRODUCTION

This year marks the 75th anniversary of the birth of Vladimir Semenovich Vysotsky and for me it was an opportunity to once again remember this very controversial, extraordinary and, without any doubt, gifted from God, great man. You can love or not love Vysotsky, but there is no doubt that he had a very great influence on several generations of Russian people of completely different social strata, classes and ages. In terms of the citation of songs and the demand for creativity, Vysotsky steadily ranks first. His songs are still listened to and quoted by everyone: ordinary people, writers, journalists, and even priests. I myself heard how one venerable archpriest, rector of several churches, referred to Vysotsky’s songs in a conversation with parishioners. If it were not for Vladimir Semenovich, it is possible that the best representatives of modern Russian rock and original, bard songs would not have existed, or their work would have been somehow different. Because Vysotsky, by their own admission, greatly influenced them.

Not long ago, the All-Russian Center for the Study of Public Opinion found that, according to surveys, in the minds of our contemporaries, Vladimir Vysotsky ranks second among the great Russian people of the 20th century. Yuri Gagarin is in first place, Marshal Zhukov is in third. Moreover, the majority of respondents who voted for Vysotsky were young people born after the death of the actor and poet. Decades pass, generations and government systems change, but the “people's path” to it does not become overgrown.

Let's remember with a kind word

People, it seems, have begun to get tired of nonsense and “fried” information. The ratings of prime-time television programs on central channels specializing in the genre of “scandals, intrigues, investigations” are falling. These programs themselves close.

Of course, these types of programs will not disappear completely, but most people are mortally tired of the endless rinsing of other people's dirty laundry in programs like “The Big Wash.” I painfully want something reasonable, kind, eternal...

Almost 30 years and 3 years have passed since Vladimir Semenovich left. But traditionally, on two annual dates, his birthday (January 25) and the day of his death (July 25), new articles, materials, television and radio programs about his life and work appear. Especially, of course, interest in Vladimir Vysotsky increases on his anniversaries. But it is unfortunate to note that most of the materials about him, especially the mass, popular ones, exploit the same set of cheap journalistic clichés and cliches about Vysotsky as an alcoholic, drug addict, womanizer and lover of a luxurious life.

Sometimes even serious books by authors I respect contain completely incomprehensible information taken from where, about how many liters of vodka the poet drank during his drinking bouts and how many doses of morphine he took per day. Not to mention some journalists who are trying to find new details from his intimate life and describe them in such colors, as if they themselves were “holding a candle.” All this is very unpleasant to read for people who really love Vladimir Vysotsky. All this unhealthy, increased interest in some details of his biography painfully wounded Vysotsky himself during his lifetime. He even wrote a song, as if responding to the endless pestering of journalists, both of his time and of all subsequent times. It’s called: “I will cover all the questions in full”

Here are lines from it:

Saliva is dripping into your notebooks -
The questions will probably be about the bedroom...
Yes, that is right! He's blushing deeply
Interviewer: “Have you cheated on your wives?” -
It was as if he had peeked behind the curtain
Or lay under the bed with a tape recorder.

Born in Ufa in 1974. In 1984 received Holy Baptism together with his parents, brother and sister. Father Pavel’s entire family lived in Moscow at that time. (Father Pavel’s father was subsequently ordained a priest, and in 2005 he took monastic vows with the name Job. He is now a resident of the Sretensky Monastery in Moscow.)

In 1991 entered the Moscow Theological Seminary in the city of Sergiev Posad, from which he graduated in 1995. In the same year he entered the Moscow Theological Academy. In 1996, while studying at the Academy, he took holy orders. In the same year, by decree of His Holiness Patriarch Alexy, he was appointed full-time cleric at the Church of St. Nicholas of Myra at the Rogozhskoye cemetery in Moscow.

Priest Pavel Gumerov writes books and articles, records CDs, gives lectures, conducts seminars and conversations on the topics of family and marriage, and moral theology. Also, with the blessing of the clergy, he sings in the clergy choir of the Moscow Peter and Paul Deanery. Married, has two sons.

Father Pavel is the author of the books: “The Small Church”, “He and She”, “Family Conflicts. Prevention and Treatment", "Eternal Memory" (co-authored with Father Job), "Christian's House. Traditions and Shrines" (co-authored with Father Job), "Orthodox asceticism outlined for the laity", "The Sacrament of Communion".

Annotation

A series of conversations by priest Pavel Gumerov is devoted to how to learn to avoid clashes and conflicts in family life, how to resolve conflict situations, how to achieve peace and understanding in marriage.

Family conflicts: prevention and treatment

A bit of conflictology: quarrel or conflict?

Constructive conflict is better than a “good quarrel”

Conflict resolution: strategy and tactics

Stress and conflicts

Man and woman under stress

Three pillars of family happiness

The head of the family and his assistant

Mutual veneration

Psychological brakes

Communication means community

Why are we different

Idealization

Resolving conflict productively

Family crises

Treason. Jealousy. Parting

Forgiveness

Parents and children

New family member

Love children

“We don’t understand him!”

Childhood crises

Learning to understand our children

Teenage rebellion

The eternal conflict, or “My son-in-law stole a car of firewood”

Our parents

Family conflicts: prevention and treatment

A bit of conflictology: quarrel or conflict?

The beginning of a quarrel is like a burst of water; leave the quarrel before it flares up. (Prov. 17:14)

Every person knows from childhood: conflicts should be avoided, quarreling is not good, you need to live in peace. Remember: children, clasping their little fingers, say to each other: “Make up, make up, make up and don’t fight anymore”? Man was created by the Lord with the desire for goodness, peace and love. Thank God, there are very few people who enjoy quarrels and strive for conflicts. And if a person behaves in this way, this indicates either some kind of mental abnormality, or very large complexes and experienced mental trauma.

True, there are individuals who very often find themselves in conflict situations and often provoke them. But they themselves suffer greatly from their lack of communication, from their inability to get along with their neighbors. They do not consciously go into conflict, but because of their bad manners, narrow-mindedness or bad character.

Is it possible to do without conflicts and clashes in our lives? You need to strive for this; Every effort must be made to avoid any kind of friction and tension in the relationship. The Apostle Paul says that we should maintain peace with people if possible (see: Rom. 12:18). But the same apostle writes: “There must also be differences of opinion among you, so that those who are skillful may be revealed among you” (1 Cor. 11:19). And he warns the Corinthian Christians so that their differences of opinion do not turn into divisions within the church community.

Differences of opinion, discrepancies in points of view, views among people in any social group (family, community, public organization, industrial association, etc.) are inevitable, and there is nothing wrong with that. As they say, “there are as many opinions as there are people.” And we have been given from God reason, language, and the ability to communicate in order to come to agreement and agree on a variety of issues.

So what is conflict, and how to behave correctly in a conflict situation? It is wrong to think that the words “conflict”, “quarrel”, “scandal”, “dispute”, “squabble” are synonymous. The word "conflict" is of Latin origin. In Latin conflictus means "collision". A textbook on conflictology for universities gives the following definition of conflict: “Conflict is a social phenomenon, a way of interaction between people when their incompatible views, positions and interests collide, a confrontation between two or more parties that are interconnected but pursuing their own goals. The basis of any conflict is a situation that includes either contradictory positions of the parties on any issue, or opposing goals or means of achieving them in given circumstances, or a divergence of interests, desires of opponents, etc.”

So, a conflict is, first of all, a disagreement of views, a clash of opposing points of view on some problem, but this does not mean at all that the conflict should become a quarrel, a scandal, a showdown. We can say this: any quarrel is a conflict, but not every conflict is a quarrel. And our main task is to learn to resolve disagreements without bringing their discussion to a quarrel.

Disagreement of views: everyone has their own bell tower

Before moving on to the topic of family conflicts, it is necessary to at least briefly talk about what underlies any conflict. In a conflict situation, two or more people, interconnected with each other, have a divergence of opinions and views on the same problem; these views collide, and the conflicting parties are usually confident that they are absolutely right (at least at first).

Conflicts have accompanied humanity throughout the history of its existence. Not only historical chronicles and chronicles are replete with descriptions of various conflicts. A huge amount of research and simply artistic works have been written on this topic. There are many proverbs, sayings, “catchphrases” that talk about clashes, discrepancies of opinions and views: “everyone looks from his own bell tower”, “his own shirt is closer to the body”, “how many heads - so many minds”, “the well-fed cannot understand the hungry “,” “everyone has their own truth,” etc. Many literary works, not only in their content, but already in the title itself, raise the topic of conflict. For example, “The Tale of How Ivan Ivanovich Quarreled with Ivan Nikiforovich” by N.V. Gogol or the well-known novel by I.S. Turgenev "Fathers and Sons". The plot of the novel is precisely that the older generation and youth have completely different views on life, and this leads to a generational conflict.

Conflict situations accompany us in everyday life. For some they happen very rarely, for others often, but one way or another we all need to be prepared for them.

Here is one real life case. Once, succumbing to the sweet speeches and generous promises of two natives of sunny Moldova, I hired them to build a wooden extension to the house. They asked for a very modest price, and we shook hands. But it’s bad, my friends, we remember the classics. Because everything turned out like in Pushkin’s famous fairy tale: “You, priest, should not chase after cheap things!” (By the way, the word “priest” acquired a derogatory character only in Soviet times; before the revolution, it was customary to call all priests this way: for example, a cathedral archpriest is an archpriest serving in a cathedral.) My workers, however, completed their work, and even on time as promised, but they left a lot of deficiencies that I had to fix. But this was far from the most unpleasant thing. The Moldovans, apparently not calculating the local weather conditions, erected the walls of the extension, did not close the roof, but immediately began to work on the floor: they laid the so-called “subfloor”, laid insulation and nailed floorboards on top. And so, when they began to work on the roof, it began to rain heavily and continued to pour for a whole week. Tired and angry, the builders finally finished the work, but the floor was hopelessly damaged: water flowed inside through the cracks and wet the insulation; the moisture could not escape, since roofing felt and a “subfloor” were laid underneath. Having discovered this unfortunate fact, I reprimanded the unfortunate builders, urging them to open the floor and lay new insulation to replace the damaged one. The builders were quite outraged by this demand of mine, which seemed to me to be legal; they said that it was not their fault that the rain had been pouring all week and ruined their work: these, they say, were insurmountable circumstances - so to speak, “force majeure.” And although the workers did not use this now fashionable term and were unlikely to know it at all, the insurmountability of the water element was obvious to them. The fact that they had to do the roof first, and only then deal with the floor, apparently never occurred to them. This is understandable, because in Moldova there has been a drought for many years in the summer and there is almost no rain. The situation was aggravated by the fact that I had already paid the builders all the money promised to them. But, thank God, everything was resolved successfully, and after much bickering and persuasion, the Moldovans finally agreed to block the floor, although a lot of nerves and time were spent on overcoming this conflict.

Pavel Gumerov (1974, Ufa) - priest.

In 1984 he received Holy Baptism together with his parents, brother and sister. Father Pavel’s entire family lived in Moscow at that time. (Father Pavel’s father was subsequently ordained a priest, and in 2005 he took monastic vows with the name Job. He is now a resident of the Sretensky Monastery in Moscow).

In 1991 he entered the Moscow Theological Seminary in the city of Sergiev Posad, from which he graduated in 1995. In the same year he entered the Moscow Theological Academy. In 1996, while studying at the Academy, he took holy orders. In the same year, by decree of His Holiness Patriarch Alexy, he was appointed full-time cleric at the Church of St. Nicholas of Myra at the Rogozhskoye cemetery in Moscow. On December 14, 2012, he was appointed rector of the Church of the Holy Blessed Princes Peter and Fevronia of Murom under construction in Maryino. Since March 29, 2014, he has been constantly serving in this church.

Priest Pavel Gumerov writes books and articles, records CDs, gives lectures, conducts seminars and conversations on the topics of family and marriage, and moral theology. Also, with the blessing of the clergy, he sings in the clergy choir of the Moscow Peter and Paul Deanery. Married, has two sons.

Father Pavel is the author of the books: “The Small Church”, “He and She”, “Family Conflicts. Prevention and Treatment", "Eternal Memory" (co-authored with Hieromonk Job), "The House of a Christian. Traditions and Shrines" (co-authored with Hieromonk Job), "Orthodox asceticism outlined for the laity", "The Sacrament of Communion", "Three pillars of family happiness", "Keys to family happiness", "Civil marriage". The beginning of family life or prodigal cohabitation?”, “Vladimir Vysotsky: the tragedy of the Russian soul”, “The Law of God. New book" (co-authored with Hieromonk Job (Gumerov) and priest Alexander Gumerov).

The book “Three Pillars of Family Happiness” was recognized by the Publishing Council of the Moscow Patriarchate as the best book for young people in 2012 and was awarded a 1st degree diploma.

Several of Father Pavel's books have been translated into Serbian and Romanian.

Books (7)

Conversations about family and marriage

The family life of an Orthodox Christian should be based on three components.

The first and most important thing: love and the correct understanding of this concept, because not everyone knows what true love is.

The second is a correct understanding of the goals and objectives of family life.

And third is the correct family hierarchy. Family life is built on these three, so to speak, “pillars”.

Everlasting memory

The death of a person is always a difficult ordeal for loved ones. How to survive the pain of loss? How to properly prepare the deceased for burial? How to make your final journey? How to remember it later?

In the book, one of the authors of which (priest Pavel Gumerov) serves in the Church of St. Nicholas at the Rogozhskoe cemetery, you will find detailed instructions about all the details of an Orthodox burial, as well as pastoral advice and words of encouragement. Enclosed are consoling letters from St. Theophanes about the hour of death and prayers, which in the Orthodox Church are customary to read, seeing off a neighbor on the journey of the whole earth.

Small Church. Family life in the modern world

The book is dedicated to the modern family.

Its author conducts conversations with young people about how to build a modern family so that it is morally healthy, long-lived and happy. The author specifically addresses modern life and talks in detail about how to protect the family from the dangers that have such a destructive effect on the family.

The last two parts of the book are devoted to one of the most painful topics in our society - raising children.

He and she. In search of marital consent

Why did God create male and female? What does a woman expect from a man and a man from a woman? How can they come to mutual understanding and love? How to achieve peace and harmony in marriage, which is called by the Church the Mystery of God, the Sacrament of the union of “two beings into one inseparable being,” according to St. John Chrysostom.

The reader will learn about all this from the book “He and She. In search of marital consent."

Orthodox asceticism presented for the laity. About the fight against passions

The book by Father Pavel Gumerov is intended to help the Orthodox Christian in his struggle with passions and sinful habits.