Love at a distance. Does separation strengthen relationships? Does separation strengthen or destroy relationships? Difficult relationships due to separation

Elena Nikolaevna believes unequivocally: unless absolutely necessary, partners should not be separated from each other for a long time, otherwise their feelings may not pass the strength test.

Most often, separation occurs due to the man’s fault: stronger sex separation is more difficult than for women due to psychological and physiological characteristics. For example, if a woman has a real admirer and a distant admirer, it remains to be seen which of the two she will prefer. But in the same situation, a man with a high degree of probability will choose exactly the woman who is next to him. And the second lady can remain a dream, an ideal, a friend...

Women by nature are more expectant, more faithful, more romantic, so their waiting proceeds normally. As for men, we must understand that they have certain physiological needs that the stronger sex needs to satisfy. However, there are still some qualities or character traits in men that prevent them from going all out. This is either a very strong complex, or a very busy one. In this situation, a man, as a rule, tolerates separation adequately and upon returning (if he and his partner have not yet been married) is ready to start a family, explains the psychologist.

Sometimes, however, after living apart, women also find themselves initiating a breakup. Being separated from their partner, they find a new gentleman and get the opportunity to compare the relationship “with this” and “with that”. They draw favorable conclusions in favor of the new chosen one, but leave the old one. It’s not uncommon for ladies to explain the reasons for breaking up like this: “When we were together, you put a lot of pressure on me, I couldn’t do anything, but now we separated, and I realized that it was not love, but dependence, that it was not a relationship , and slavery. Now I’ve found a new person, I feel better with him than with you.”

Even if you are in a quarrel, you should not separate from your partner

For married people long separation may be no less destructive than for unmarried people.

One woman I know has always adhered to this rule of life: you can quarrel with your husband, but you must always sleep in the same bed with him. In my opinion, from the point of view of preserving the family, this is a very true statement. Although some psychologists say that in order to solve certain problems, a husband and wife should live separately, in fact, this can lead to the destruction of a marriage. Except in those rare cases when the partners are very faithful and that they have a serious motive to temporarily live apart from each other. However, it’s better not to experiment like that, advises Elena Makarova.

Instead of going to different apartments, it’s better to try to simulate the situation. For example, reduce the level of communication to a minimum. To avoid crossing paths less often, you can leave for work early and return later. But you still have to come home. And certain issues that are important for marriage must be discussed with your partner. This is everything that concerns raising children, planning a family budget, and traveling together.

Even if you are in a quarrel and do not talk to your partner, but when you return home in the evening after work, you are somehow leading a life together. But if people have separated, then they may not get back together, because everything is emotional. “You don’t see your other half, out of sight, out of mind, and you start thinking about a new relationship with a new partner,” the psychologist comments on the situation.

Spouses should travel together on a long business trip

Another situation. One of the spouses needs to go on a business trip for a long time. Experts are sure: the ideal option is for spouses to travel together. If this is not possible, then it is important to plan the business trip in such a way that your wife (husband) can come to you. Elena Makarova, for example, recalls the following case: a woman living in Sochi went to the Far East every week to visit her husband, who was there on a business trip, and thereby saved the family.

As practice shows, if one of the spouses leaves for a long time, the second must be nearby. There is no need to subject the family to the test of separation. Anything can happen. People can become unaccustomed to each other, cheat on each other. A person leaves alone for another, unfamiliar place, but, once there, he does not end up in a “glass jar.” Life goes on in a new city and you have to adapt. There is no “other half” nearby, and a person has a feeling of loneliness and abandonment: “Something is happening to me, but you are not there. I feel so bad". This feeling lasts for some time, then the person adapts, and other thoughts appear: “I live without you.” After all, on what principle do people agree: “I can’t live without you” or “I want to be with you, because we must be one.” And here it turns out that “I can live without you and in general, in principle, I’m fine alone.” Therefore, the “other half” cannot be left to chance; they must be reminded of themselves as often as possible, says Elena Makarova.

Modern means of communication do not replace family

Today there are a huge number of means of communication with which you can communicate with your loved one who is at a great distance from you: email, SMS messages, ICQ, telephone, etc. And yet, according to experts, this virtual communication does not in any way replace personal contact. It's just a comfortable existence of two people, but it's not living together. This is a pseudo-family that does not replace a normal family: there are no traditions, no joint holidays, no personal communication.

How long can you be apart from each other?

The maximum period when people can be away from each other without this threatening their relationship is difficult to determine. It all depends on how strong the attachment is. For example, there are couples who have known each other for 20 years, and for all these 20 years they walk holding hands, because both need this tactile sensation. And in other couples, spouses can sleep separately, and this is considered normal. It all depends on the individual characteristics of people.

The secret to successful long distance relationships

Communicate, feel free to express your feelings

Sometimes it is difficult for couples who live together to express their feelings, but how much more difficult it is for those who live at a distance! In this case, you can hardly convey your feelings by facial expression, gestures, touch; all communication takes place through words. So talk to each other every day about what is happening in your life, and talk about both good and joyful moments and difficulties.

Many people underestimate this daily communication, the exchange of information about routine days, and as a result, when people meet after some time, they do not know what happened to their loved ones over a certain period of time, and they meet like strangers who need to get to know each other again and get to know each other. To prevent this from happening to you, share with each other every day what is happening in your life, talk about how dear you are to each other, do not spare pleasant and warm words to each other.

Value your independence

Your loved ones should not take up your entire life; in addition to them, you can also have friends, interesting work, and hobbies. In other words, don't limit yourself and turn this period of long-distance living into a waiting room. Instead of sitting and waiting for a new flight, develop as a person, open up new opportunities and horizons. This way you will spend time usefully for yourself, and, in addition, you won’t even notice how this time has flown by and the moment of a new meeting has come.

Warm up your relationship

Use your imagination to periodically “warm up” your relationship. These could be unexpected gifts, a bouquet of your favorite flowers sent for no particular reason, a romantic letter, or a postcard with warm words sent by regular mail, a phone call to say good night, or maybe just once again a confession of love and a message. , how you miss your “other half”. In other words, there must be something unexpected in addition to everyday normal communication

Can separation strengthen relationships or does it only destroy them? Experts say that separation extinguishes the weak flame of love and fans a big fire. Which suggests that you should not avoid breakups, as they are an excellent way to test the strength and consistency of love. And after every separation there is always a meeting. If you were able to survive it together, then this person is right for you. We often picture to ourselves how a person who is far from us is struggling there with temptations. But in reality this is far from the case, and will you need a life partner who does not value your relationship?

In the case where the fear is the fear of losing your loved one, and also the fact that you have nowhere to go without him, then this is not good. This means that you have completely devoted yourself to this man and you need urgent help in getting yourself back. Remember what hobbies you used to have, get a forgotten book, textbook, and so on. Invite old friends over.

To avoid going crazy while apart, communicate via mobile phone, by email or Skype. Make it a habit to have a Skype date at the same time every day. Even a long separation can be made short if you wait and believe in a future meeting.

It is a well-known fact that life together can resemble magic only at first. Over time, accumulated difficulties can fill your love with a huge burden. The duration of separation in the form of testing the relationship depends on the length of the relationship itself. It is clear that a newly arrived couple cannot be without each other for even a minimal amount of time without experiencing a feeling of melancholy. Couples who have lived together for many years may test their feelings by being apart for a long time.
Be that as it may, separation is considered a test of a couple’s strength, since the special magic of love and tenderness that affects the other half becomes weaker with time and distance. And in this case, it is very important not to give in to chance and go with the flow, but to take many measures in order to be able to say that separation actually makes the relationship stronger.

• do not think or accuse your other half of infidelity if there is no reason for it. Otherwise, coding for a certain behavior occurs, hence infidelity.
• give your loved one some item of yours on the road so that it always reminds you of you. For example, it could be a photograph, a trinket, a pen, or some object that connects you both and gives you shared memories. A person automatically reaches for something familiar. This becomes most noticeable in an unusual environment, for example, on a business trip.
• maintain a distance of ritual behavior. For example, saying “I love you,” asking how your day was, what successes you had, and supporting you in case of failure. In other words, do the same things you did when you were together. Today, there are many communications that can provide significant assistance in this regard. Many couples, having used them, do not even feel separation. Which allows us to say with confidence that in this case, separation, if it does not strengthen the relationship, does not make it weaker.
• try to avoid reasons for jealousy in the person who is leaving, since it has practically nothing to do with love.

Let's look at this issue. So, let’s say in a couple both people love each other equally - they feel good together, they have fun, they are happy. Naturally, for such a couple, any separation will only have a positive effect. When a loved one is not around, you are no longer at ease: a person at least misses spending time together, emotions, there is no soul mate to give someone his love. Naturally, when such a couple meets again, they only love each other more. And that's okay.

Can separation have a negative impact on a relationship? – The answer is yes and here’s why. Being far away from each other, you can allow yourself to do what you thought about, but did not dare to do when your other half was nearby. Let’s say a person wanted to go to a club, get drunk until he’s blue in the face, hang out somewhere for a couple of nights, but usually such a relationship is unacceptable in a couple because someone always either prohibits you from such actions, or at least opposes them. If during separation you are alone

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of the participants in this relationship allows himself such behavior and likes it, then this may cast doubt on everything that was: “Do I need a relationship in which I am forbidden something?”, or “I have lived for so long, but never before I wasn’t having so much fun” – in this case the emotional effect is triggered. Emotions from the experience take over the emotions in the relationship and the person reassesses values, which leads either to separation immediately, or to some tension in the relationship after this separation. Of course, if the couple is strong, then they will be able to survive such a crisis, but this is not always the case. This is perhaps the main negative effect of separation that can occur in a relationship, not always, but the fact remains a fact.
By the way, when the emotional effect of the experience subsides, a person remembers what he did and he often feels sorry, and he again asks himself the question: “Was it necessary to end this relationship?” - this means that you can get back together if you come to the conclusion that everyone makes mistakes and forgive each other.

Also, the negative consequences of separation may include this. Let's say the pair is unstable - let's call it that. People constantly quarrel, scold each other, blame their other half for something, or even worse, one person pretends to love the other (we won’t describe why he needs this, but this happens). In such relationships, any separation may be the last, especially if it is long-term. Any temptation or any incorrectly spoken word when communicating on the same phone can trigger a mechanism for destroying these relationships, which can no longer be stopped. It seems to me that this is correct - why test something that is not durable if you can finish everything right away. But if for one person such separation can bring freedom, then for another it can be a severe blow, there’s nothing you can do about it - this is life.

Naturally, here we do not give specific examples of what can affect relationships in separation, only a general diagram. If you are interested, write and we will discuss this issue. In the meantime, good luck and may your relationship survive any distance.

Founder of scientific communism, German philosopher, writer and leader of the international proletariat, Karl Marx, argued that temporary is useful because constant communication creates the appearance of monotony. It is probably impossible these days to find a couple in love who would not experience forced separation for a couple of days or a month. The longer the separation, the more difficult it is to survive the separation from your loved one. But you shouldn’t spend these days in sadness, looking through photos together ten times a day and crying into your pillow on sleepless nights, unable to bear the feeling of loneliness any longer.

Temporary parting only strengthens the relationship! Everyone who has been married for more than a year knows about this.

How much offensive words come out of the mouths of spouses during quarrels. Very often we do not appreciate those who love us and try to be with us every day. Only after parting for a while do we understand how dear a person is to us. While apart, everyone has time to appreciate what they have. Lovers quickly forget all the insults and bad things when distance separates them.

Let's not Let's continue to chew on the theory, and let’s read what people known for their talent throughout the world wrote about this at one time:
“If you don’t want to part with the woman you love very quickly, then be with her less often.” (M.Yu. Lermontov.)
"Sometimes it's good to separate for a while to keep the love alive." (Joseph Addison).
“The depth of love is known only during separation.” (Joseph Addison).

“Absence only strengthens the power of those we love over us.” (Romain Rolland)
“Separation for love is like the wind for fire: it extinguishes the weak, and fans the strong even more.” (Ibn al-Mutazz)
“Distance smooths out the flaws that are unbearable when living together.” (Jean Paul)

“If love was without joy, then separation will be without sorrow.” (Rabindranath Tagore).
“Only in moments of separation do lovers realize how much love was hidden within them” (Igor Kovalik).
“In separation, only one quarter of the suffering is carried away by the one leaving, and the one remaining takes on three quarters.” (Ibn-Hazma).

And two more aphorism, which prove that separation is the most effective way to treat relationships between lovers:
"Best moment love- this is when you climb the stairs to your beloved" and "Separation is the cure for hatred."

Apparently in our country Not all married couples know about the existence of this “cure for hatred” or simply do not have the opportunity to use it. Meanwhile, according to statistics conducted by American sociologists, every 10 married couples out of 100 prefer to sleep in separate rooms. This is in America, but no one has yet counted how many married couples we have sleeping separately. But the famous rock singer Leonid Agutin has long told the public that he and his wife, Angelica Varum, have not slept together for a long time. In numerous interviews, Angelica had to clarify the reason for her husband’s statement; it turns out that she and Leonid have different temperature conditions. “I can hardly withstand the cold, and Leonid sleeps with the window open even in winter,” the singer admitted. According to Leonid himself, they have very interesting life and he likes to go on dates with his wife at night. It is a pity that this leaves no one confident that they are truly happy.

Large connoisseurs Another British star couple, the famous director Tim Burton and her wife, film actress Helena Bonham Carter, also found themselves temporarily separated. They went even further: they bought two houses nearby and live next door to each other so as to see each other as little as possible and not spoil their warm relationship. At the same time, they have children who live with another family at the end of the same street. According to Helena, she and her husband made the decision to live separately; proof of this is the door that connects her house with her husband’s house. She and her husband spend as much time together as any normal couple. But having personal space for each of them greatly improves their relationship. “We see each other when we want, and not when we have to,” the eccentric actress explained to those especially curious. If Tim wants to watch football, then he does it without disturbing me. And I can easily watch women’s programs that he doesn’t like.” It sounds quite reasonable, maybe this is the secret of family happiness.

For married couples Living together for many years, temporary separation is sometimes the only way to save the family. At least once a year, break your habit of always being there and go on vacation with your parents or friends without a partner. After a temporary separation, you will definitely be sure that the best moments of love are when you approach the house where your beloved is waiting for you. And the one who waits will understand that meeting a loved one is real happiness.

5 chosen

The word "separation" even sounds sad. It makes you want to howl at the moon, drink whiskey and listen to the sad songs of Alena Apina. But temporary separations are sometimes inevitable. This is due to business trips, different vacation times or different vacation plans. And if we cannot change the situation, then, as all film psychologists advise, we need to change our attitude towards it. Let's get into it right now and start looking positive sides in temporary separation from your loved one.

If we spend most of our time with our loved ones, then, when we are left alone, we immediately ask ourselves the question: what should we actually do? Option "howl at the moon, drink whiskey and listen to the sad songs of Alena Apina" We immediately and uncompromisingly reject it. Separation is a great time to do all the things we never had time to do. No, our loved one, of course, does not forbid us to engage in our personal affairs, but free time is a limited resource, and we have to make choices all the time. And usually, for obvious reasons, it is done in favor of a loved one. During the period of temporary separation, we can go dancing, meet with friends, read books and watch those films that our husband would not watch with us even at gunpoint. If we remember all our interests, hobbies and things postponed due to strong love, it turns out that the time of separation can be spent so richly that there will be no time to even be bored.

In addition, temporary separation is a good reason to reflect on your own life. In a strong couple, life goals are often set not from the position of “I”, but from the position of “we”. But the “I” does not disappear anywhere, and the harmonious development of relationships does not exclude personal growth and development. Think about what exactly you want from your life and from your career, what you would like to change. Write down your desires and plans for a year, five years, fifteen years. Perhaps right now, when no one is distracting you, you will make an ideological breakthrough, set new goals for yourself and begin to move towards achieving them. After all, setting a goal is the first and most important step to success.

Finally, separation is an opportunity to get bored. When we are together all the time, we often take relationships for granted, get irritated over little things and quarrel over trifles. There’s no escape from this, it’s human nature to not appreciate what we have. Breaking up reminds us of the strength of our feelings and how lucky we are to have met “the one.” As the English playwright and poet wrote Joseph Addison: "The depth of love is known only during separation." Well, indeed, if there were no separations, we would not have to experience the incredible joy of new meetings.

But I am inclined to disagree with another thinker. Karl Marx(however, many of his ideas are questioned today) argued: "Temporary separation is useful because constant communication creates the appearance of monotony." In my opinion, if people are truly interesting to each other, then their lives will be exciting and varied and without separation. It is precisely this kind of rich and interesting relationship that I wish for you. And if temporary separation is inevitable, you need to spend it with benefit: both for yourself and for the relationship.

Do you have to part with your loved one for a while? Are you having a hard time with separation? Do you think a temporary separation can be beneficial for a relationship?