How to build a relationship with your ex. Should I start a relationship with my ex again? He needs to know that you have changed

We live in a world where every day they try to prove to us that friendship with ex-partners is not just normal, but good, civilized, progressive. But psychologists think differently. And they have good reason.

As a rule, when parting with former lovers, we vow to ourselves to remain on good terms, keep in touch, not get lost, and come to the rescue. And in general, when a relationship breaks down, unless, of course, it is a scandal accompanied by breaking dishes and things thrown from the balcony, we are honestly going to remain friends and... stop communicating altogether. It turns out that ending a relationship, getting lost, even with the warmest feelings for each other, is normal. We have already said everything, found out everything and literally in a few moments became strangers to each other.

Not so long ago, scientists from a New Zealand clinical center even stated that only people with mental problems maintain friendships with former lovers. 850 volunteers took part in the study. The experts asked them a series of detailed questions about their previous relationships. In particular, respondents had to talk about the reasons for the breakup and about contacts with their ex-partner after the breakup. Having thoroughly studied the behavior of each of the respondents, experts found out that only people suffering from various types of mental disorders maintain warm, friendly relationships with ex-partners.

A woman wants to be friends with her ex because she still has hope. A man ─ because he hopes for sex.

Interesting fact: the ulterior motives why people want to remain friends with their exes are radically different between men and women. If a woman who wants to be “friends”, as a rule, is not able to realize that the romance is over and it’s time to move on, then the man looks at the situation without illusions, and wants to remain friends solely for the sake of satisfying his sexual needs. So you shouldn’t get your hopes up - such friendship, combined with sexual contact, can drag on for years, and no qualitative changes will follow.

There are always two people to blame for the breakdown of a relationship, this truth is as old as time, so it is not surprising that after a tragic (or not so tragic) ending, there is no desire to maintain the relationship, even if you do not immediately rush into the next romance.

Experts say that those who insist on maintaining friendly relations should be treated with the greatest caution. Moreover, sexy.

Another option: your ex is a psychopath. Yes, yes, this also happens, some deviations may not be noticed, and if doubts still arise in your head, you will immediately throw them away, attributing your partner’s strange behavior to excessive emotionality. Meanwhile, psychopaths are also owners, however, unlike narcissists, their sense of possessiveness gets along quite well with a painful attachment to their significant other, unreasonable jealousy, fits of aggression or attacks of despondency, so, most likely, by agreeing to be friends with a psychopath, you are dooming yourself to endless hysterics, which will only become more frequent over time. In addition, former partners are often looking for an opportunity to get at least some benefit from us, in other words, if things don’t work out with love, you need to “shake out” everything else, including, by the way, sex.

With women it’s a little different. The psyche of many of us is so structured that sometimes it is quite difficult for men to distinguish whether a lady simply has an obnoxious and capricious character, or whether she really has problems with her head. Often our need for friendship with exes is a consequence of deep emotional attachment. We, especially if our feelings, unlike those of our partner, have not yet faded away, are gladly ready to accept the new rules “now we are friends” for one single reason: it seems to us that if the ex-boyfriend remains in our field of vision, it will be too early or later he will return. This is not so, especially if the “person opposite” has not had tender feelings for you for a long time, over time the friendly relationship will simply begin to irritate him, the relationship will still end completely, and you will have to be treated for depression for a long time. The easiest way to forget someone you still love is to run away, as quickly and far as possible.

And yet, even taking into account the research of scientists, you should not think that your man, falling into the category of exes, immediately becomes mortally dangerous, by no means, your ex does not become a maniac, but it would still be nice to keep an ear to the ground, in after all, who among us wants to be used, offended, abandoned? And warm relations - why not? After all, we live in a civilized world, cultural separation is now in fashion, especially if you were connected not just by a romantic relationship, but by years of marriage or even children.

Sometimes, to find out whether it is worth renewing a relationship if feelings remain, it is enough to ask yourself a counter question: can you not renew it if the opportunity arises?

To love for real

What to do to prevent true love from becoming a thing of the past? Learn to listen. Try to put yourself in the position of a partner. Imagine that you are in business negotiations: listen to your opponent, agree with him, and only then try to convey your truth to him. Learn to express feelings. Say you're hurt if you feel pain, say you're angry if you do. And, of course, talk about love. Learn to love. In relationships, people often manipulate each other. This is a road to nowhere: instead of giving your partner the opportunity to go through life with you, you pull him along with you by force. Love yourself, love your partner and do not demand reciprocal feelings from him. Learn to give freedom. It is very important not to overdo it with your emotions. Understand: excess love stifles even the most sincere feelings.

To be or not to be?

Good news for those who don’t know whether to try to start a relationship again: according to most psychologists, if you really want it, then you can still take the risk. Past partners may be attracted to you if you really love or if something in your relationship was not resolved or left unsaid. Look inside yourself and try to answer the question - what motivates you? If people broke up, but did not say something to each other, did not fully realize everything that they could have revealed in themselves, then the desire to return will remain. My opinion is that if you can’t erase a person from your memory, it makes sense to try again. Just not anew, but in a new way. Maybe see the relationship or the person himself differently. You need to understand whether the shortcomings that caused you to break up outweigh your feelings, and whether you are ready to accept your partner for who he is. If you are passionate, you need to accept your loved one with all his “shortcomings”. And take responsibility for the choice: “I’m doing this for myself, and not for the sake of him, marriage, etc.” If feelings on both sides remain, the breakup should be considered as a time-out to analyze the situation. When two people voluntarily decide to live separately, and then realize that they cannot do without each other, it means that there is a new round of more mature relationships ahead. They are trying to understand who was wrong and what. It is impossible to reach reconciliation without drawing conclusions. This is how we become more mature and wiser. If the feelings are preserved, the relationship is not completed. This leads, on the one hand, to a loss of energy through thinking about the partner, and on the other, increases the likelihood of similar problems reoccurring in future relationships. Therefore, it is necessary to either end this relationship correctly, that is, thank your partner for all the good things that happened between you and say goodbye, or renew it by discussing problems that could not be resolved in the past.

Don't repeat mistakes

So, the goal is clear: self-respect and harmony with yourself and the world around you. But how to achieve this? Each of the specialists has their own techniques and methods, which they share with you. If you do break up, follow a few recommendations. Remove the photo with the object of your love. Forbid yourself from discussing this relationship. Take a language course, take up dancing, yoga, stay busy. Go on a trip. The main thing is to enter into “new-old” connections not for the purpose of revenge, but with the intention of understanding something about yourself and the other person. When you make it a point to realize what this person was given to you for, and you to him, then you both have the opportunity to “grow.” And then it will become clear whether you need each other. And, of course, do not part with your loved ones. If you love and are truly loved. The desire to restore relationships that once caused pain may be associated with secondary gain from the suffering experienced. For example, people want to maintain their image: I am so kind that I forgave him... There may also be some kind of fear hidden behind this. For example, you are afraid of failure in your career and justify your inaction by the need to take care of your husband and children. If you've been separated for a while and then decide to get back together, I wholeheartedly recommend accepting your partner for who they are. All those cute bad habits of your other half are just beacons that connect you with the object of your love. If you learn not to notice the little things, your union will be long-term and reliable. When restarting a relationship, you need to discuss it with your partner.

In previous articles dedicated to the return of your loved one, I talked a lot about what measures should be taken and what behavior patterns to choose in order to maintain a high chance of getting your ex-boyfriend back with a fairly high degree of probability.

After publishing the article “Get Your Guy Back: Why Time Is Working for You?” some readers asked a completely logical question: “When is the time to start restoring relations with your ex? How can you tell when it’s time?” Today I will try to answer this question, at least in general terms, because there will not be a simple and short answer.

If you have not read the article “,” I advise you to read it before continuing reading, otherwise you will not understand what we are actually talking about.

How do you know that it is “already possible” to restore the relationship?

First, let's look again at the chart that I published earlier.

This chart shows the period after the breakup. The solid line indicates your attitude towards the guy, and the dotted line indicates his attitude towards you. However, the schedule will only look like this if you followed the recommendations and did not desperately try to get your boyfriend back “immediately,” “now,” “as soon as possible” by any available means.

As I already wrote, all attempts to restore a relationship immediately after a breakup will not yield results and will not lead to anything good, but will only complicate the return of a loved one or even make this process impossible.

So, how do you know that a guy’s attitude towards you has crossed the conditional “zero” at point D and moved into the positive zone?

I warn you that all indicators are “very general” and may not apply to your specific situation. I just want to give some direction for thinking, but your intuition will tell you much more than this article. It is intuition, not fantasy! Keep this in mind and don't let your imagination turn what you want into reality.

The first indicator is Time. How long should it take? There can be no clear answer here. It all depends on a number of factors, among which two main ones can be distinguished:

• duration and nature of the relationship before the breakup. Whether your relationship was smooth and harmonious or accompanied by constant quarrels. What was the breakup like: abrupt and unexpected or long-brewing like a purulent abscess.
• the guy's condition after the breakup. How easy or difficult it was for him after he broke up with you. Did he have a new girlfriend and how was their relationship?

But in any case, the time period indicated on the chart by segment C-D will not be short. Usually this is not days or weeks, but months.

Second indicator – Information. If you receive information that your ex-boyfriend is asking about you (and it doesn’t matter why he does this), then with a high degree of probability we can assume that his attitude towards you has moved into the positive zone.

Third indicator - Reaction. Your ex stops avoiding you and doesn't look away during random encounters. He can also initiate the start of communication with you (under the guise of friendship or something else).

As you can see, everything is very vague. It is possible that you will not have all three indicators and only one will remain - time. This figure is not going anywhere, you can be sure.

There is still The fourth indicator is your own condition. Remember! Don't try to start rebuilding your relationship until you no longer feel the despair and pain of loss. Your ally and first assistant is common sense.

What to do and how to behave

Undoubtedly, in order to begin to restore your relationship with your ex-boyfriend, you will need to establish contact with him. When you feel that enough time has passed and you are mentally ready, you can start.

You need to act carefully, delicately and very subtly. No “sudden movements” should be made. I’ll give you a comparison now, which may not be a very correct comparison, but it’s like taming a wild animal. The slightest mistake and everything will have to start from the very beginning, but only with less hope of success.

Gradually, slowly and so as not to arouse suspicion, you must move from simple communication as with an ordinary acquaintance, to friendship, and then to friendship. This will take time and effort. It will be hard to restrain yourself, especially if the guy is gentle and friendly with you. You just want to throw yourself on his neck at the first kind word addressed to you. But this should not be done under any circumstances, because it will scare him away.

Your behavior should be smooth, without displays of “peak” emotions. Be discreet, but friendly and moderately caring. Having analyzed your past relationships and understood your mistakes, you do not have the right to express what caused the breakup “not even a millimeter.” By any means you need to avoid negativity, quarrels, insults, etc.
Make your ex feel comfortable with you like no one else. You'll have to work hard on yourself. Watch your appearance and facial expression - You should radiate confidence, but not arrogance or an overt desire to please. Don't flirt with him!
Under no circumstances should you start discussing the vicissitudes of your past relationship with your ex-boyfriend. And even if he himself suddenly starts a conversation on a similar topic, do not give in and take the conversation in a different direction. Say that all this is in the past and you don’t want to relive the unpleasant moments. Just do it softly and delicately. On the one hand, the guy should not get the impression that you are indifferent to such a discussion, and on the other hand, you should not show that this really hurts you.

When your relationship moves into a state of stable friendship, you can begin to slowly return to the past, choosing from there only memories that are pleasant for both of you. These memories should be romantic, but not intimate. For example, when passing by some place “you and him” you can casually mention: “Do you remember how we hid here from the rain?” Or something like that. Do this once and carefully monitor the reaction. If there is no positive response, then you will have to wait longer. If the reaction is positive, you can continue, but just don’t repeat it. For starters, one romantic episode from the past during two or three meetings is quite enough.

Intimacy

It may happen that after establishing a friendly, trusting relationship, your ex-boyfriend suddenly wants to have sex with you. This happens especially often if he has a difficult relationship with a new girlfriend or is lonely.

Do not succumb to provocation, no matter how much you want to. Men approach intimacy differently than we do. Emotional connection and intimacy are completely different things for them, so after such spontaneous sex, your friendship may end, and along with this, hopes for restoring the relationship will die. The same applies to kisses, caresses, etc., as well as conversations on “intimate” topics. You must refuse such things gently but confidently, so that the man has no doubt that you really do not want this, but not because he is unpleasant to you, but solely for moral and ethical reasons. Let's just say that he must understand that it is you who are not pushing him away, but who are stopping yourself.
Until it is clearly and calmly determined that you love each other and have become a couple again, a strict taboo is imposed on all intimacy.
Well, in general terms, that’s probably all. I tried to give some direction and I hope it helps you.

FROM THE AUTHOR: My responses in the comments are the opinion of an individual and not the advice of a specialist. I’m trying to answer everyone without exception, but unfortunately I don’t physically have time to study long stories, analyze them, ask questions about them and then answer in detail, and I also don’t have the opportunity to accompany your situations, because this requires a huge amount of free time, and I have very little of it.

In this regard, I kindly ask you to ask specific questions on the topic of the article, and do not expect that I will advise in the comments or accompany your situation.

Of course, you can ignore my request (which many people do), but in this case, be prepared for the fact that I may not answer you. This is not a matter of principle, but solely of time and my physical capabilities. Don't be offended.

If you want to receive qualified help, please seek advice, and I will devote my time and knowledge to you with full dedication.

With respect and hope for understanding, Frederica

You lived calmly and cheerfully, until one almost unremarkable day came from your past. A former young man or even a husband suddenly decided to make himself known, inquired casually about business and now casually invites you to drink coffee in some cozy corner.

You could just grin and forget, but once - and a crazy thought already breaks a tunnel in your head: maybe he realized what he had lost and decided to fix everything? “It’s quite possible to score a goal against the same goal twice, so why not give a come-to-mind comrade a chance again?” - you thought it was a sin. But there are still a lot of aggravating reasons for such an idea about the restoration of forgotten relationships. For example, common sweet kids and fat zero candidates on the horizon after hundreds of very unsuccessful dates. So why not?

Reason for separation

History has known many successful unions, which either have such a tradition of “getting together and breaking up”, and it rests on terribly temperamental characters, or they separated for some stupid reason on emotions, without carefully weighing everything and without thinking it over. And wise life later confronted you with people who were not “yours”; you were horrified by your blasphemous behavior in the past and decided to come to your senses. Then there is a high probability that you will still have a happy ending, because you have checked your doubts and made sure that you were wrong. But most importantly, they realized the value of relationships through an absurd loss.

It's a completely different matter to scatter to the sides for a serious reason. He drank, rowded, rowdy, insulted, did not appreciate, constantly cheated, emotionally pressured and did not respect - this is just the tip of the iceberg of significant family problems for which going back is utter stupidity. Most likely, your ex has not shown his best side for quite a long time, so that you have already drunk this cup in full. Some disperse extremely hard to the accompaniment of insults, slaps in the face, even throwing valuable or simply personal items out the window - to the delight of their neighbors.

Reason for returning

If this was the case, then your ex is frankly problematic. This means that crowds of willing eagles never attacked such an aggressive, narcissistic and narrow-minded miracle. It's unpleasant to realize that some women were smarter and recognized the damaging potential of a relationship with such a gift. A man stands with open arms, but no one swims into them. Shock, blow and pain! And naturally, the subsequent instant choice of how to live on is made not in favor of one’s own changes for the better, but in favor of returning to where everyone tolerated it.

Accustomed to simpler paths, the man chooses the one that leads to your front door. The poor guy will complain about how sick he is without you, and will tell you about the awareness and wisdom he has acquired a couple more times in the hope that the common past is more important on your scales than the truth.

You shouldn’t take back into your home those who you didn’t respect or appreciate before. Such men, as soon as the butt is warmed up, again, with confidence in their status, regain their former impartial qualities. And you will again step on the same rails, you will go through a path, perhaps even worse than before. Then you will have to scrape your dignity off the asphalt and lick the fresh wounds again.

A well-deserved last chance

But there are other situations when in all respects a man was good and sweet, but he stumbled, not understanding why and what everything would lead to. And you turned out to be from the party of those who do not forgive such mistakes, you did not find the strength in yourself to soothe the pain of betrayal, you were taken and kicked out of the house with a broom, closing your ears in response to apologies and men’s pleas. But comrade, as life has shown, does not calm down and does not disappear from the horizon, and curses that ill-fated day and wipes the asphalt near your house with his soles. In a word, he doesn’t give up, but at the same time he acts, proves with deeds that such a mistake will never happen again in life! That is, he does not pour compote into your ears, but manages to help like a man even from a distance, does not neglect or forget the children, offers help and sincerely tries to solve your problems. And at the same time, it doesn’t disappear from the radar if you, capricious as you are, decide to be offended for a long time.

The one who proves with deeds, and does not mumble for the sake of your pity, really deserves a second chance and your attempt to forget the grievances from the past, turn the page and start beautifully and anew! Be sure to forgive and return the one with whom your life becomes radically more comfortable and happier, the one with whom it was actually simple and easy before.

Men, for the most part, break up easier than most women. But they return just as easily. Let's see how to correctly build your line of behavior in a relationship with an ex-man.

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