Toxic parents susan forward. Susan forward - toxic parents. About Forward Susan's book "Toxic Parents"

Susan Forward

Toxic parents

“Of course, my father beat me, but in order to set me on the right path. I don’t understand what this has to do with the fact that my marriage broke down.”. Gordon, a successful orthopedic surgeon, came to see me when his wife left him after six years of marriage. He desperately tried to win her back, but she told him to forget about it until he went to therapy and changed his uncontrollable temperament. Gordon's sudden outbursts of rage frightened her, and besides, he exhausted her with his constant and merciless criticism. He recognized his angry temperament and obsessive criticism, but the fact that his wife left him plunged him into horror.

I asked Gordon to tell me about himself, helping him with leading questions. When I asked about his parents, he smiled and painted a rosy picture for me, especially regarding his father, a famous cardiologist: “Without him, I would never have become what I have become. He is the best, and his patients generally consider him a saint.”. When I asked what his relationship with his father was like currently, Gordon laughed nervously and said: “They were great... until I told him I wanted to try holism. He reacted as if I was going to try to become a killer. About three months ago I told him about holism, and now every time we talk he starts yelling about how he didn’t send me to medical school so that I would end up becoming a “healer.” And yesterday he became completely unbearable. He got so excited that he said that I could say goodbye to my parents, and this upset me very much. I don’t know... maybe the idea of ​​holism really isn’t the best.”.

I noticed that, while describing his father, who turned out to be far from being as beautiful as they initially tried to show me, Gordon nervously intertwined and unlaced his fingers. When he realized that I saw this, he managed to restrain his movements, connecting the pads of his fingers in a “professor” gesture, which he probably learned from his father.

I asked him if his father always behaved like a tyrant. "No, actually no"- he answered. “I want to say that he yelled at me and sometimes put his hand on me, as happens with all children. I wouldn't say he was a tyrant.". Something in his tone when he said “put his hand”, a slight change in the timbre of his voice, made me wary, and I began to insist on details. It turned out that Gordon’s father “put his hand”, and with a belt, two or three times a week! In order to give a reason for punishment, not much was needed: a harsh word, grades that did not suit the parent, or a forgotten “duty” were already a sufficient “crime”. Gordon's father was also not particularly concerned about the form of punishment. Gordon remembered that he spanked him on the back, legs and arms, and buttocks. I asked if his father had hurt him.

Gordon: Never to the point of bleeding, I want to say that nothing special was done to me. I needed to be obedient.

Susan: But you were afraid of him, weren't you?

Gordon: Deadly, but that's what happens to parents, right?

Susan: Gordon, do you want your children to feel the same way about you?

(He looked away. He felt extremely uncomfortable. I moved my chair closer.)

Susan: Your wife is a pediatrician. Do you think that if at her appointment she saw the same marks on the child that your father left on your body when he “put his hand”, shouldn’t she immediately report this to the police?

No answer was needed. Gordon's eyes filled with tears and he whispered: “Something terribly twisted in my stomach.”. Gordon's defenses did not hold up, and for the first time, with terrible emotional pain, he realized where the original source of his bad character was, which had remained in the shadows for so long. Since childhood, he had suppressed a volcano of rage against his father, and now, when the tension became too great, he lashed out at those who were at hand, and most often at his wife. I realized that we needed to acknowledge and heal the downtrodden little boy who lived inside Gordon.

That evening, already at home, I kept thinking about Gordon, about how his eyes filled with tears when he realized that he had been abused as a child. I thought of the thousands of adult men and women I had worked with whose lives were still influenced, if not controlled, by the attitudes they received as children from destructive parents. I realized that there are still millions of people who have no idea why their lives are still not working out, and who can be helped. And then I decided to write this book.

Why is it necessary to look back?

Gordon's story was not out of the ordinary. In eighteen years of psychotherapeutic work in my private clinic and in hospital therapy groups, I have counseled thousands of people, most of whom suffered from enormous damage to their self-esteem because, as children, one or both parents regularly beat them, or criticized them, or " joked about how stupid they were, physically ugly, or unwanted children, or blamed them for everything, or sexually abused them, or forced them to take on too much responsibility, or prevented them from taking a step without supervision and permanent guardianship. Like Gordon, few of these people attributed the problems in their lives to their parents. This is usually an emotional blind spot. It's just very difficult for people to admit that their relationship with their parents has such a powerful influence on their lives.

Therapy, which previously focused on first life experiences, now moves away from the “then” to concentrate on the “here and now.” Attention is paid mainly to the analysis and change of current behavior, methods of interaction in current relationships. I think this change occurred because people were disgusted with the enormous waste of time and money that traditional therapy entails, often with minimal results.

I truly believe in short-term therapies that focus on changing destructive behaviors. But my experience has taught me that dealing with symptoms is not enough; we need to address the sources of these symptoms. Therapy becomes more effective when it follows two directions simultaneously: changing negative patterns of behavior in the present and at the same time making a break with past traumas.

“Toxic” parents do not know that their behavior harms their children, but they try to do “the best.” But their attempts to be good parents turn into big mistakes.

What kind of “toxic” parents are they?

We believe that giving children complete freedom is good, but in fact this approach to education is harmful, and they may suffer greatly in the future from it.

"Toxic" parents don't know what they are behavior harms children, but they try to do “the best.” But their attempts to be good parents turn into big mistakes.

It is important to be able to admit that we are imperfect, because in practice it often turns out that “good” turns out to be “bad”.

That's why today we present to your attention 10 distinctive features toxic parents that you need to learn to recognize (identify in yourself) in order to make the necessary adjustments in the upbringing process.

It's only important maintain an “open mind”, that is, be receptive to criticism and admit that sometimes we can make mistakes too.

1. “By manipulating, I will achieve what I want”

Being a parent and being a manipulator? You may not believe it, but there are some parents who use their children to achieve their own goals.

And if you think that your child does not understand and is not aware of this, then you are very mistaken. This attitude can cause him deep emotional trauma, and this will negatively affect his future.

So parents they make their child suffer, feel guilty, and all so that he unconditionally obeys them: as a result, the child becomes weak-willed, does what he is told and even begins to think like his parents.

2. “Sometimes I lose my temper.”

Here we do not mean physical aggression, but rather verbal aggression. Sometimes it can cause even more harm...

We mean this toxic behavior of some parents who hurl insults and hurtful words . And this greatly reduces self-esteem in children.

Fatigue, responsibilities and worries can all provoke parents. They lose patience and “forget” about good manners, not realizing that this can lead to serious problems in the future.

“Stupid”, “idiot”, “you don’t know how to behave”, “you don’t know how to talk”... Such phrases for little ones are a real disaster.

3. “He (the child) already knows that I love him, why show it all the time?”

Lack of love and attention is one of the main reasons for possible problems in the future. This can lead to emotional deprivation and dependence on others.

In addition, this attitude of parents towards their children can cause them to mistrust and upset the balance in their interpersonal relationships.

Affection, love and tenderness are very important for children. There is no need to assume or speculate for your child. Don't think that he already knows everything. Show him your feelings. This is the only way you can raise him in a healthy emotional environment and provide him with a truly happy childhood.

4. “I don’t care about his feelings.”

Remember how your parents didn't hear you? Have you ever trusted them with your secrets? Think about it. Misunderstandings and mistrust most strongly undermine “contact” with parents. Children stop talking openly with them and expressing their feelings.

Uncommunicative parents provoke the child to he began to hide his thoughts and feelings, as a result, they lose “control” over him and do not know how he lives.

Children definitely need to be able to listen, this makes them feel loved. Active listening is very important.

5. “I don’t like these friends of yours.”

You will not be able to constantly control your child’s social circle; he chooses a group in which he feels comfortable... And if you do not accept his friends, you will only provoke his “rebellious” behavior. He will rebel.

Understand that your children are not you. It may happen that they will become part of some kind of team, or that among their friends there will be those who smoke, for example. But it is not in our power to control this. And you need to come to terms with it.

Your a child will be happy only if he can be himself. And you must give him this opportunity.

6. “You must study, you must be...”

Sometimes we have certain expectations and hopes that we place on our children. We want them to become: a doctor, a teacher, a musician... But, did you forget to ask your child what he wants?

And also very often One desire is not enough. You also need abilities. And if your child is not good at math or science, how can he become a doctor?

The only thing you will achieve is disappointment, constant (sometimes insurmountable) difficulties and disapproval from your own family. So let your child become who he wants and can become.

7. “I have the right to do this, but you don’t.”

One of the main distinguishing features of toxic parental behavior is that they trying to teach their children what they themselves do not do. But that doesn't happen. No matter how hard you try, the child will be like you.

Consider, for example, using harsh words, swearing, and aggressive behavior towards others. We will tell our children that this is not how it is done, that it is impossible to do this, etc. But if we ourselves do this, then how should he understand it?

Inconsistency of words and actions, inconsistent behavior never led to anything good. The basis of good parenting should be the opposite. Lead by example for your children.

8. “You should have gotten an A.”

There are such toxic parents who are very demanding of their children are too demanding... Remember your classmate who cried at school because of a bad grade? And then you had an “A”...

Parents should always control their “requests.” Of course, it’s good to study with excellent marks. But don't force your children to do this at all costs. Grades should not become an end in themselves.

After all, many factors influence getting a grade: you don’t like the subject, the day is not going well, etc... After all, if he gets a “4” or even a “2”, nothing bad will happen.

This is a learning process, an experience, not a competition or a race.

9. “Don’t worry, I will always protect you”

Overprotection is also one of the worst parenting scenarios for a child. Because of this, children simply lose the ability to make decisions on their own and solve their problems.

The hardest thing for them will be when they grow up and their parents can no longer care for them. They will find themselves unadapted to our harsh reality, will feel lost and will not be able to withstand life's circumstances.

So you shouldn't keep your child in a vacuum where no one can harm him. Life should gradually teach him defeats and falls. He must learn from his mistakes, get up and move on.

10. “You can drink and eat whatever you want.”

If you encourage unhealthy eating habits in your child, You'll only make it worse for him. If you allow him to drink alcohol from an early age, smoke, etc.

This way you will “draw” him a picture of the world without any restrictions or rules. In addition, children can develop serious health problems at a very early age. For example, excess weight.

Toxic parents cause irreparable harm to their children (and themselves). They don't realize it, but it happens. For this reason, they must learn to face the truth and take criticism constructively. They must learn to accept that they can also be wrong.

After all, children are not to blame, but very often they have to suffer because of our mistakes.

I'm reading a book Susan Forward "Toxic Parents". I warn you right away that this post will be very difficult for someone to read.

These lines affected me the most:

"... when beating a child, BOTH parents betrayed. For example, this happened with Kate: “When our father started beating us, we screamed, called our mother for help, but she never appeared. She sat downstairs and listened to us screaming and calling her. We soon realized that she would not come to the screams. She had never spoken a word against my father in her life. I think she could not overcome her fear."

And so I imagine - a woman is sitting in the living room, and from above comes “Mom, mommy, help.” She knows exactly what's going on there. She is the only one who can help them. Let’s say her husband beats her too, she’s scared shitless of him. If she, an adult woman, cannot do anything with her own husband, then what can children do?? And she continues to sit, maybe watching TV or cooking dinner. Maybe he’s crying, or maybe he’s cooking soup casually and calmly. And screams are heard from above...

Children are often not believed. In continuation of this story, the neighbors called the police. They arrived, my father said that they were shouting on TV. A daughter stands nearby with bruises and wounds. The police left.

Do you see, said the father, who did they believe - some girl or a respected banker?

Susan also says that the gender of the parent is completely unimportant; women also beat their children with a belt, hose or kitchen tools.

I thought that I would cry over the chapter about incest, but no - the above passage made me worry more than the entire chapter about incest. I guess this is because for me incest is so beyond good and evil that it seems unreal, like a toy. In my brain I understand that it exists, but...

I am like most ordinary members of society.

Excerpt from the book:

"Myth: Incest is an exceptional case.

Reality: All studies and data provided by the US government indicate that one in ten children under 18 years of age is sexually abused by a trusted family member. It was only in the early 1980s that people in the United States began to realize that incest was a real epidemic. Previously, it was believed that its incidence was no more than 1 case per 100,000 families."

I will repeat - EVERY TENTH child.

Yes, the book was written 30 years ago, but I don’t believe much has changed because:

"Myth: Most accounts of incest are not true. They are the child's own fantasies, generated by his sexual anxiety.

Reality: This myth was created by Sigmund Freud and has permeated teaching and psychiatric practice since the early 20th century. In his psychoanalytic practice, Freud encountered so much evidence of sexual abuse of girls from respectable Viennese families that he decided that such a number of cases could not be real. To explain such a high frequency of evidence of child sexual abuse, he decided that everything happened in the fantasy of his patients. As a result of Freud's error, thousands, perhaps millions, of victims of child sexual abuse were and still are denied the trust and support they need, even when they muster the courage to seek help from a therapist."

When we talk about incest, the first image that comes to mind is a father/stepfather raping his daughter. This is not entirely true. Violence between siblings or:

"Dan, a 45-year-old aerospace engineer, was sexually abused by his father from the age of five until he went to university and left home: "As a child, I realized that I would never be able to tell anyone about this. kept me in complete submission, she wouldn't have believed me in a million years. He was an important businessman, knew everyone he needed to know. Imagine a six-year-old child telling all these people that their idol was a monster who led his "I took my son into the bathroom and forced me to blow him. Who would have believed me? They would have thought I was trying to get my dad in trouble or something. I wouldn't have gotten anywhere."

Dan was in a difficult situation. Not only was he a victim of sexual abuse, but his abuser was the same sex; this increased not only his sense of shame, but also his confidence that no one would believe him.

Incest between father and son is much more common than we usually think. This type of incest typically occurs when men who appear to be heterosexual, but who are likely to experience strong homosexual impulses, try to suppress them by getting married and having children. Without channeling their libido into their true sexual preferences, these men eventually lose control of their impulses."

FIVE YEAR OLD CHILD. BLOWING AN GROWN MAN. TO THE FATHER.

Or even from the mother's side: “She stimulated my genitals, bringing me to orgasm, but I thought that since it didn’t come to real sexual intercourse, it was okay. Besides, I had to do the same to her in return. She said that I was her whole life, and what we did with her was a special way to prove this special love. Now, when I try to have sex with a woman, I feel like I’m betraying my mother.”

Or an option when the mother forces her daughter to lick her:

"Mother-daughter incest is hardly talked about, but in my practice there have been at least ten people who have experienced it. The motivation for sexual aggression on the part of mothers is usually a grotesque distortion of the need for tenderness, physical contact and affection. Mothers who are capable to distort the relationship with daughters in such a way, they are usually in a mentally inadequate state, and they often have psychopathic disorders."

A child can be forced into incest; bribery; "a special form of love"; shame - it’s enough to sexually assault him a couple of times and he will feel “dirty”, and after that you can twist him as you want; threats that otherwise the family will collapse.

“In those rare cases when abuse becomes public, the family is often destroyed. Divorce, placement of a child in guardianship, intense stress that provokes the enmity of others - all this does not contribute to the preservation of the family. And although the collapse of an incestuous family is good for the child, he always feels himself responsible for this disintegration, which adds an additional burden to his difficult emotional state."

*Knows nothing

* “Silent accomplice” - knows, but pretends not to know.

* "Active accomplice" - "What my father did to me was terrible, but what my mother did was much worse for me. She was the go-between. She set the time and place, and often held me close my head to his hem while he raped me. I begged her not to force me to do this, but she said: “Please, honey, do this for me. Just me is not enough for him, and if you don’t give it to him, he will will find another woman, and throw us out onto the street." I'm trying to understand why she did what she did, I now have two children, and those events seem to me the most incredible thing a mother can decide to do."