25.09.2022

The troubles of divorce and ways to overcome them. To help parents and parenting consultants (19 pages) The troubles of divorce and ways to overcome them

Helmuth Figdor is a famous Austrian psychoanalyst, author of numerous scientific works, founder of a new European school of specialists for psychoanalytic-pedagogical educational consultations.

One of his greatest achievements is the revival of psychoanalytic pedagogy. He developed fundamentally new concepts focused on creating a favorable educational atmosphere, that is, such relationships between educators and children that would bring as little disappointment as possible to both, while psychoanalytic pedagogy of the twenties and thirties of the last century was oriented, in contrast, for the “prevention” of mental disorders or even for the creation of a “new” person; It was no coincidence that it failed.

Helmut Figdor attaches great importance to working with parents, teachers and educators for the reason that the happiness and balance of children depends entirely on whether the educators feel happy and balanced. On the other side of any assessments or condemnation, he helps adults understand their feelings and their adult role in relationships with children. This understanding in itself is capable of working miracles; understanding difficult situations, as if by itself, leads to their reasonable resolution.

Helmut Figdor is one of the leading experts in the field of divorce. The troubles of children, according to him, are a consequence of parental troubles, so you can help the former only by helping the latter. He sees one of the biggest problems in the overwhelming feeling of guilt that accompanies divorce; it is this that prevents adults from doing what children need. He helps overcome this unbearable feeling, believing that divorce itself often contains a chance for good changes not only for adults, but also for children, and the trouble is most often not in the divorce itself, but in how it proceeds and what the consequences are. entails.

This book is extremely useful both for specialists and for a wide range of readers. From it you will not only learn about the problems of divorce and the structure of a child’s soul, but you will also discover many things in your own soul that you have never consciously thought about before.

Preface

Dedicated to the memory of Hans-Georg Threscher

Hans-Georg Threscher was one of the most prominent representatives of the “new” psychoanalytic pedagogy. Our friendship began from the first time we met. Not only his activities, but also our friendly conversations turned out to be extremely “theoretically interesting” for me; moreover, he had a huge influence on the development of my scientific thought. The unexpected death of a friend in 1992 was a huge personal loss for me.

The fact that five years later I dedicate this book to him has its own special reason. Largely thanks to his faith and support, I decided in 1990 to write my first major work about children of divorced parents. Thresher was then working at the Matthias Grunewald publishing house, and in my rather dry final report on one of the studies of the Sigmund Freud Society, he was able to discern the potential of an interesting book. The success of my book inspired me to further research this topic. I have received great support from materials obtained through participation in congresses, in organizing an educational system for psychoanalytic teachers, as well as in working with people who seek my advice and help. So, Hans-Georg Threscher invisibly took part in the creation of this second book. Unfortunately, I was not able to thank him during my lifetime. I am doing it now.

I can’t help but think that I dedicated my first book to my teacher and inspiration Martha Cos-Roberta, who revealed to me the joy of working with children. She left us in 1989. So, both of my works, which deal with separation, are, as if by chance, dedicated to people who left my life untimely. Or maybe we are only able to truly, consciously evaluate the meaning of another person for us when he leaves us? This is precisely one of the reasons why we experience separation so hard. Separation leaves us feeling guilty because we did not do something when it was still possible to do it.

Helmut Figdor, Vienna, March 1997

Introduction

“Perhaps the title of this book, Between Trauma and Hope, has already created in some readers the expectation that I can offer a single path leading to the fulfillment of hope (even if only for one parent), or a path to avoid the dangers associated with long-term consequences divorce in children. I think that to some extent I have answered the most important questions, but the problem is that these answers cannot be unambiguous. In any case, I sometimes use my “ifs” or “buts” that refer to conditions that cannot be foreseen, changed or assessed in advance by our reader or reader.

At the heart of the problem is both the complexity of the human soul and the “event of divorce” itself, where each “act” has its own dramaturgy. In any case, it is impossible to understand what, how and why happens in each individual case if you do not know what happened before. It is also impossible to predict how the play will end. Because the action is written by the performers themselves. The most important factor is the extent of their power over events and responsibility for them. But the freedom of performers is limited by the past course of events, which cannot be erased, as well as by certain rules (psychological laws), according to which the number of variations is very limited; the presence of performers of other roles pursuing other goals, and, finally, the activity of one’s own unconscious. And only those who are aware of their dependence have a chance of achieving their goals at least partially.”

With these words I began the final chapter of my first book about “children of divorce.” The purpose of this second book is to:

>to help parents understand their dependence on many circumstances and, first of all - much more broadly than was set out in the first volume - to pay attention to their, in general, quite large opportunities in shaping their future lives;

>to facilitate the task of professional assistants in determining their place in this “drama”: the actors or, indeed, the directors. It should be noted that we too often play the role of a kind of spotlight, highlighting only what we would like to highlight, and changing practically nothing in the action that takes place on stage. Moreover, sometimes we don’t see much, since the main action takes place, in fact, in the dark. However, is it possible to change something here too? What is our dependence, and where do our opportunities lie? And most importantly, how can we influence what is happening?

Subject and main topics of this book

Let's start with the parents. The first book focused on the following topics: conscious and unconscious mental processes in children, driven by parental divorce; the significance is not so much of the divorce itself as of the personality of the child and the background of the divorce; and finally, the role of the people surrounding the child in his experience of divorce.

Naturally, the people around us primarily mean parents. But their behavior also depends on a number of (contradictory) conscious and unconscious motives, which are emotionally connected in a complex way with their own difficult situation, with a conflictual attitude towards the divorced spouse and towards the child himself. From what I happened to learn about (conscious and unconscious) « inner world» parents, we can conclude that he is determining factor in the child’s “external world.”

I touched on the topic of "parents' new partners" rather briefly at the end of the first book. In this book, much more attention will be paid to the problems of the new family, and not only because here we are talking about the event that most children of divorced parents expect, but primarily because the new marriage of parents can play a very special and very positive role for children . Of course, only if the child sympathetically accepts his mother’s new husband or his father’s new wife and this new marriage does not turn out to be destroyed again.

In reality, the relationship between children and their parents' new partners most often develops quite complexly. These difficulties not only affect the well-being and mental development of children in a new family, they also play an important role in the fact that these partnerships quickly fall apart or do not have time to truly begin. The confrontation with the parent's new partner forms a kind of new act of divorce "drama", which is also part of the fate of "divorced" children. And here we are talking not so much about real circumstances, but about the feelings and fantasies that arise in children when a new partner appears and are strongly reminiscent of those feelings and fantasies that the child has already developed during the divorce. These difficulties are far from being limited only to the parent’s attitude towards the new partner; they also affect the child’s attitude towards his parents and towards himself.

A new family poses a great difficulty not only for the child; problems often arise in the relationships of adults, which extremely complicates the situation for children.

The new marriage of the parents, that is, the new family, represents the penultimate act of the “drama” of divorce. Her last act is adulthood, in which its long-term consequences.

At the conclusion of the first book, I gave several examples of the long-term consequences of divorce; Now I would like to expand this topic somewhat: on the one hand, I will try (to the extent possible) using examples of individual destinies to theoretically generalize the characteristic features of former “children of divorces”, but first of all I will address the question: is it possible to avoid these negative long-term consequences?

I want to point out that the long-term consequences described are only a trend, but the extent to which divorce affects a child's (further) life happiness can vary greatly. There is no doubt that hope- in relation to children, - placed on divorce, is based primarily on the alternative of a conflict family and that successfully overcoming a divorce is much more than simple damage limitation.

Can such a generalization be considered sufficiently justified - after all, in the current situation we hardly have the opportunity to study the “optimal” fate of “children of divorces”? I think we can still rely on theoretical conclusions here. Let's start with the fact that separation is not only the fate of children of divorced parents. Separations determine the entire course of development of each person: first, it is separation from the mother’s body; with mother's breast; broken when the children go to kindergarten; parting with friends if you have to change place of residence or school; separation from parents upon reaching adulthood, etc. All these separations have two sides: despite the fact that they are full of pain and leave scars, they also bring something good, winning new freedom, making possible the growth of autonomy, which is indispensable condition for development. Couldn't divorce - with all the pain and all the inevitable scars - subject to certain favorable conditions also have positive consequences?

It would be quite fair to object that during the “normal” experience of separation, a child, at a minimum, does not lose his primary love objects forever. And this means only one thing: the “happy circumstances” of divorce, of course, include maintaining a good and intense relationship with the parent who now lives separately.

Next, I asked myself, what exactly does a psychotherapist strive for when working with patients who experienced a parental divorce in childhood? The success of (psychoanalytic) psychotherapy can be considered achieved if the patient finally feels well and is better prepared for life. What cannot be achieved is to invalidate the experience of divorce. But, being present in a person, they will still cease to influence a person’s ability to be happy. So, only psychotherapy can help here, or it can still be assumed that the successful circumstances of the divorce and the post-divorce period are able to limit the possible damage to the child’s psyche!

If such hopes are realized, then professional assistants may not only be given a significant role, but also greater responsibility. This brings us to the third theme of this book: what kind of help do children or their families need? What should this help look like? Of course, we cannot be looked upon as actors in a “drama,” but we must also protect ourselves from the role of “spotlights.” Of course, we are also not suitable for the role of directors. Firstly, we cannot direct the actions of the participants in the “play”, secondly, they will not obey us anyway, and thirdly, the roles themselves in this case have already been written by someone. And yet, to some extent, we are able to influence the course of development of this “drama”.

Continuing the literary comparison, let's say that a professional assistant is primarily obliged to monitor the work playwrights. After all, he is already well acquainted with many plays, their flow and ending. He is also familiar with the capabilities and desires of actors. He may remain just a consultant, but through his activities he is able to determine the repertoire to a large extent.

Of course, only a distribution of roles can achieve little. The question that has occupied me most in recent years is: how can we force parents to change their behavior, if we know how little it depends on their conscious and rational aspirations? The result of my practical work and theoretical reflections is presented in this book in the form of a concept psychoanalytic-pedagogical consultation for divorced parents . I I address the problems of setting and display, and especially the question: working with parents or psychotherapy for a child? In conclusion, I will highlight some important methodological and technical difficulties in therapeutic work with divorced parents and show the possibilities of resolving them.

IV

Professionals dealing with divorced families are inevitably confronted with an area that - theoretically and practically - seems to be the other side of pedagogical and psychotherapeutic aspirations: the position of judges and lawyers, as well as the operation of laws that shape this position. Already at the moment when I had to deal with my first forensic examination, it became clear to me how closely the personal experiences and actions of divorcing parents are connected with these institutional conditions. The fact is that laws and legal processes interfere directly with the world of feelings of children and their parents, and often far from in a way that would be optimal for taking advantage of the child’s developmental chances. Since there are currently heated discussions about reforms in the field of family laws in many European countries, including Germany and Austria, I decided to present some psychoanalytic and pedagogical considerations on this issue and, above all, on the issue of the so-called joint right to education, and the limits and chances of government oversight, such as in cases of visitation violations or parenting counseling orders.

As already mentioned, in our surveys we are not talking about external behavior and patterns of interactions, or rather, we are talking about this only when it is important meaning for a given individual. It is more important to consider intrapsychic and, above all, unconscious processes that determine the subject’s behavior precisely because of their unconsciousness. This naturally requires an explanation of the survey methods. Observations of behavior, statistical calculations, systematization of interviews or questionnaires - all this cannot be considered in itself, without further explanation. In addition, we cannot invite family members of the patient who would be important to be examined “on the couch.” Thus, the classical psychoanalytic method of identifying the contents of the unconscious also disappears.

The special attention we pay to intrapsychic processes determines the methods and methods that we use in each individual case. From my experience as a supervisor, I know well how many consultants, sitting in front of a client, painfully ask themselves: “What should I do? What should I say now? How can I solve this problem?" etc. I think that here we should ask completely different questions: “What is actually happening here? What is the problem here and how is it expressed? Or: “Did I get the point yet?” This means that identifying the content of intrapsychic processes is not only a scientific research task, it also plays a huge practical role. Understanding internal processes is a condition for helping the patient. In other words, each individual case, willy-nilly, is a small scientific study.

The methods used may vary.

Identification with the client. It is she who gives us the opportunity to find out and feel what is happening to him, including what he himself is not aware of. Such an understanding is available to us because we personally are not involved in his internal conflicts and therefore we do not need to defend ourselves from them by repression. This most important method of psychoanalytic understanding is at the disposal of consultant and for its use there is no need for psychoanalytic therapeutic setting.

When working with children this projective test methods , as well as structured or semi-structured methods interviewing.

Often important discoveries come from ordinary conversations about the conscious, but nevertheless secret experiences of children. Children, having confidence in a neutral consultant, often entrust him with things that they are unable to entrust to their loved ones.

Finally, we have at our disposal such an important tool of psychoanalytic-pedagogical consultations for parents (with the help of which internal unconscious processes are explained), how psychoanalytic-pedagogical education.(This will be discussed in more detail in chapter four.)

Thus, each individual case in my practice enriched me with new knowledge, which I share with the reader in this book. I learned a lot from children, which took place with me psychotherapeutic treatment. Finally, the cases "classical" psychoanalysis have also contributed: in recent years I have treated many patients whose parents separated when the patients were children, as well as those who were themselves divorced or about to get divorced.

So, the chosen examination methods must be guided by each individual case, only in this way can the optimal effect be achieved. Therefore, I believe that statistical generalizations are hardly possible in this area. Moreover, one divorce is not like another. Divorce cannot be viewed as an event in itself, it is what a person makes of it, that is, a certain person in his or her specific situation. Just as you got married for your own, very special reasons, you also go your separate ways in your own, completely individual ways, and there are no two people who would experience their breakup and their divorced “parenthood” in exactly the same way. And there are no two children for whom the divorce of their parents would mean exactly the same thing. The question then arises whether in this case it is even possible to say about the general nature of divorce? In a sense, yes. Of course, it is impossible to consider all the great variety variations expressions of experiences and different styles of behavior, but I will try to show those cases that, in my experience, can be considered the most typical.

Chapter 1: The Trauma of Divorce

Let the pain pour itself out in lamentations:

Silent sorrow breaks our hearts.

Shakespeare, Macbeth

1.1. How do children and their parents cope with divorce?

A young couple is sitting in front of me. He six months ago I fell “deadly” in love with another woman. For her it turned out to be a bolt from the blue. Weeks passed in quarrels and tears, as a result they decided to separate. Four-year-old daughter Clara, who adores her dad, will now live with her mother. The mother, however, wants her daughter to continue to maintain a good relationship with her father. Both mother and father subsequently wish to share responsibility for the well-being and upbringing of the child. They would like to do everything right, so they turned to me for advice. I asked these nice people what they mean by “doing everything right.” The father hastened to answer: “So that my daughter doesn’t worry too much about the divorce.”

The hope that children will not worry too much about divorce is found among many parents. And this is understandable, since there is hardly at least one divorce that would not cause a heavy sense of guilt in loving parents. And here we are dealing with the first problem, which significantly reduces the children’s chances of successfully surviving a divorce. With the hope that they can divorce without hurting their children, parents open the door wide to defense mechanisms such as denial and repression. Then, wishful thinking, they simply do not notice how their children suffer due to divorce. They do not want to take seriously the signs that children use to signal their unhappiness and fear. Often, children seem to play with their parents at the same time. Because, being in a similar difficult situation, they do not want to face their experiences, which makes them deny their problems.

This is a fairly common phenomenon. Although we know from the scientific literature that divorce is one of those events in a child’s life that most often lead to the formation of neurotic symptoms (and we find here the entire wide range of these typical symptoms, whether we are talking about bedwetting, difficulties at school, aggressiveness, depressive moods, regressions, psychosomatic diseases, etc.), but I see that only a few children openly show their reactions to divorce. More often it looks something like this: the mother calls the children and tells them: “Mom and Dad are getting a divorce.” Children may ask in response: “Why?” - “Yes, because we don’t understand each other anymore, it’s hard for the two of us. And we often quarrel." Then my daughter asks: “Will I have to go to another kindergarten now?” - "No!" “Well, then everything is in order,” she says and leaves. And the son: “Do you want to say anything else or can I continue playing?” In this case, a stone falls from the mother’s heart: “Thank God, it turns out that this is not so scary!”

Often neither children nor parents are willing to take the real meaning of divorce seriously. And only sometimes does this amazing unspoken agreement between the unconscious expectations of parents and children become visible. For example, in the family just discussed, three days later, when the father was packing his suitcases in the bedroom in the absence of the mother, the children asked him: “Dad, what are you doing?” - “I'm packing my things. You know I’m moving!” In response, the children suddenly burst into tears loudly (the initiative for divorce came from the mother). And these were the same children who three days ago had so calmly and seemingly indifferently listened to their mother’s explanation. What happened? But the fact is that, unlike the mother, it would be an unbearable insult for the father if the children reacted with indifference or relief to his departure (after all, he wanted to stay). Children have a kind of “antennae” to detect such expectations from their parents, and they try to respond accordingly. Thus, they become, as it were, “therapists” of the mother (or in another case, as we have seen, of the father). The easier it is for them not to show their pain, the more they themselves do not want to take their own pain seriously. And they are able to feel and show it only when they are given a “room” for this - as in the case of their father (and completely unconsciously). But manifestation open pain, however, is the only way to overcome it. Otherwise, it cannot be “processed,” and then deep scars remain in the child’s soul forever.

We should take it as a given that parents' divorce causes pain to children. In any case, to all those children who have developed a loving attitude towards both parents, regardless of the conflicts in these relationships. Divorce or the departure of one of the parents causes in them a whole series of fears, feelings and thoughts, the most important of which we will now name.

First of all this fear I'll never see my dad again. And this means forever losing the person you love most. The dimensions of this fear depend not only on the real danger; separation, as we know from the experience of psychoanalysis, cannot be considered only in itself, it is closely connected with the past of a given person. And such is any separation in our experiences; it in one form or another brings back to life and activates the experiences and fears of separation that we have already experienced once before.

Joins here often another fear and it is especially characteristic of young children. After all, parents often explain the reasons for divorce like this: “We don’t love each other anymore and we quarrel a lot,” etc. This is where the illusion that children, whose lives have so far been more or less happy, can be destroyed, can be destroyed. namely: their belief in the eternity of love. They suddenly learn that love also has an end. “If love also ends (as it does now between mom and dad), who knows if one day mom’s or dad’s love for me will end?” This means that during a divorce, children begin to seriously fear that perhaps one day they will find themselves abandoned by their parents.

Other traumatic affects are associated with this. For many children, divorce causes partial loss of my identification: “And then I completely ceased to understand who I actually am!” It is hardly possible to say it more precisely than this was said by an eleven-year-old girl who was undergoing therapy with me. The fact that separation does not “just” cause disappointment, sadness and fears, but also a kind of loss of self, is due to the fact that any love relationship changes us, namely: we “accept into ourselves” a part of our loved one. I derive part of my general well-being from my life together with a person whom I love, who cares about me, with whom I can compare myself and whom I admire. His leaving takes away not only my partner, but also a part of my identity. Each of us has experienced separation, and don’t we know that at this moment it’s as if part of our heart, part of our body is being torn out, as if we had lost a part of ourselves.

The impact of separation on children is even more dramatic because so much of their own personality development is based on identification with aspects of their parents' personalities as they perceive them. Thus, separation not only makes the child very lonely, it literally “halves” him. Often he loses precisely the “manly” parts of his personality (sense of strength, independence, etc.). At a certain age, the child’s identification with his father certainly relates to the perception of his own Self.

Divorce of parents causes other feelings in children. For example, aggressiveness. It appears because the child feels abandoned, betrayed, he feels that his desires are not respected. Or aggression can counteract fear. For the most part, children direct their rage against the parent they believe is responsible for the divorce. Sometimes she turns against both of them, or alternately against the father and then against the mother.

Particularly important is the fact that many children (officially about half) blame themselves for the divorce(eg. Wallerstein/Kelly 1980). And the younger the children, the more often they feel guilty. In my experience, the number of such children is much higher. Almost all children take at least part of the blame. The stage of development of the child plays an important role here. A child is by nature egocentric, that is, he feels like the center of the Universe and simply cannot imagine that anything in this world happens without his participation. Children have a kind of magical way of thinking. But, even if you don’t go that far, it should be noted that often in family conflicts it is children who act as mediators, trying to reconcile parents, and if this fails, then for the child this means the failure of his efforts. Finally, it’s no secret that parental conflicts often arise precisely because of raising children. And when a child sees that his parents are quarreling over him, of course, he cannot help but think that he is the main reason for their quarrels. So, is it any wonder that we find this feeling of guilt in most children of divorced parents? And this feeling refers to those mental reactions that are especially severe, therefore, “defense” mechanisms (depressive or melancholic moods, repression, replacing feelings of guilt, for example, with reproaches) must immediately be put into action against them. Some of the aggressive symptoms that children develop during divorce do not only stem from frustration, rage, or childhood fears; much of it stems from guilt.

However, all these loads cannot be considered absolutely irresistible. Divorce - this is a crisis ry causes various affects and feelings. A healthy, in a certain sense, normal child is simply must respond to such a crisis. The hope that the child may not react to it stands on a shaky foundation. Only that child will not react to such an event, whose relationship with his parents has long been completely destroyed, so that interruption or liberation from this relationship represents more relief than pain. So, I repeat: every child is to a certain extent mentally healthy and normal must react to a divorce, and his external calm or apparent indifference does not say anything about his internal state. Understanding all this is the first step to overcoming the crisis.

The fears mentioned above can manifest themselves in a variety of symptoms. Parents, and first of all the one with whom the child lives (most often this is the mother), must at this time show an unusual amount of attention and patience in relation to these symptoms (which at this time are not yet “neurotic”, for now this is a reactive adaptation to a changed life situation, the so-called reactions of experiences , and they, if the adaptation is successful and fears are overcome, will remove themselves).

Children should have the opportunity regress, in order to be able to restore the trust that was lost during the divorce. Manifestations of regression include increased dependence, the need to control the mother, a tendency to tears and whims, this can also be bedwetting, fits of rage, etc. So, parents must greatly reduce their usual expectations that they place on their children. Of course, this does not mean that everything should be left to chance and all boundaries should be abolished. But the usual “no” must be pronounced without reproach. Parents must understand that their, for example, six-year-old son is currently “functioning” like a three-year-old, and He simply cannot do otherwise in this situation! The mother should soften her irritation and make it easier for the child to reconcile after a quarrel. The same applies to kindergarten teachers and teachers.

There should be a lot talk, every day, hourly, about the same thing, answering the questions: “Why are you no longer together?” and “Explain it to me again!” etc. Patiently and lovingly follows again and again assure children, that they are still loved and will always be loved, that they will continue to see dad (if this is really the case), that they themselves are in no way to blame for the divorce, etc. This is not only about answers to questions asked questions. Many children don't ask questions at all. Parents, for their part, should force these conversations, especially when the child’s condition clearly reveals his feelings.

Helmut Figdor.

The troubles of divorce and ways to overcome them.

To help parents and parenting consultants.

Helmuth Figdor is a famous Austrian psychoanalyst, author of numerous scientific works, founder of a new European school of specialists for psychoanalytic-pedagogical educational consultations.

Preface

Dedicated to the memory of Hans-Georg Threscher

Helmut Figdor, Vienna, March 1997

Introduction

With these words I began the final chapter of my first book about “children of divorce.” The purpose of this second book is to:

help parents understand their dependence on many circumstances and, first of all - much more broadly than was set out in the first volume - pay attention to their, in general, quite large opportunities in shaping their future lives;

to facilitate the task of professional assistants in determining their place in this “drama”: the characters or the directors. It should be noted that we too often play the role of a kind of spotlight, highlighting only what we would like to highlight, and changing practically nothing in the action that takes place on stage. Moreover, sometimes we don’t see much, since the main action takes place, in fact, in the dark. However, is it possible to change something here too? What is our dependence, and where do our opportunities lie? And most importantly, how can we influence what is happening?

Subject and main topics of this book

Let's start with the parents. The first book focused on the following topics: conscious and unconscious mental processes in children, set in motion by parental divorce; the significance is not so much of the divorce itself as of the personality of the child and the background of the divorce; and finally, the role of the people surrounding the child in his experience of divorce.

Naturally, the people around us primarily mean parents. But their behavior also depends on a number of (contradictory) conscious and unconscious motives, which are emotionally connected in a complex way with their own difficult situation, with a conflictual attitude towards the divorced spouse and towards the child himself. From what I happened to learn about (conscious and unconscious) "inner world" of parents, we can conclude that he is determining factor in the child’s “external world.”

I touched on the topic of "parents' new partners" rather briefly at the end of the first book. In this book, much more attention will be paid to the problems of the new family, and not only because here we are talking about the event that awaits the majority of children of divorced parents, but primarily because the new marriage of parents can play a very special and very positive role for children . Of course, only if the child sympathetically accepts his mother’s new husband or his father’s new wife and this new marriage does not turn out to be destroyed again.

To help parents and parenting consultants.

Helmuth Figdor is a famous Austrian psychoanalyst, author of numerous scientific works, founder of a new European school of specialists for psychoanalytic-pedagogical educational consultations.

Preface

Dedicated to the memory of Hans-Georg Threscher

Helmut Figdor, Vienna, March 1997

Introduction

With these words I began the final chapter of my first book about “children of divorce.” The purpose of this second book is to:

Problems in partnerships

The consequence of such ambivalence can be problems, both in marital and other partnerships. Extremes increase the likelihood of major conflicts, and unconsciously holding opposing positions almost inevitably leads to crises in marital relationships. Even if outwardly everyone looks quite conflict-free, important needs remain unsatisfied, which lays the foundation for future mental ill-being.

The potential difficulties of partnership are not limited to the immediate area of sexual relations. Self-esteem problems and inability to handle aggression, as well as dependence of self-esteem on its constant confirmation from the outside, especially in relationships with loved ones, they also play a role. If such a need is expressed strongly enough, it can place a great burden on the partner, whose own “narcissistic” needs in this case remain “overboard.” Narcissistic grievances lead not only to dissatisfaction, but also to aggressiveness, which ends the fatal cycle: if mutual aggressiveness is suppressed - which, in general, can rarely last long enough - the spouses gradually move away from each other; if it is expressed in open conflicts, then past feelings of guilt and fear revive in the formerly “divorced” child. Moreover, every quarrel leaves behind a new narcissistic wound, and “victory” over a partner becomes a source of self-affirmation.

In her long-term study, Wallerstein made an interesting discovery: young people who experienced parental divorce as children rate the value of long-term relationships much higher than their peers who have no experience of divorce, despite the fact that they are much more pessimistic about life in general. opportunity such relationships. This indicates that the process of identifying with parents not only plays a significant role in our self-esteem, it also determines in what light we see ourselves. The experience we have gained with our parents is also responsible for internal model the relationship between a man and a woman that we create for ourselves. No matter how this model looks in detail, the final conclusion is: “Nothing good will come of it anyway, and in the end they will break up anyway!” sits deep in the soul of every “divorced” child. In the course of psychoanalytic treatment, I often saw how inseparable the longing for reliable and close love relationships and disbelief in their possibility are. That is, not a simple fear, but rather complete confidence based on our own experience: these young people constantly expect a repetition of their childhood trauma. And waiting makes you look for protection. One defense is to avoid any intense relationships at all and to be content with superficial connections that would be easy to break. But then the most cherished desire in life is sacrificed to this “guarantee” of avoiding the pain of separation. Another possibility is to avoid the danger of being abandoned (again), to leave yourself. People who were once traumatized by the divorce of their parents - consciously or unconsciously - constantly remain “on guard”. The desire to “leave before it’s too late” has the consequence that in crisis situations, and crises are inevitable in all love relationships, they are too hasty to put an end to it. Instead of saying: “We’ll see what we can do,” they see in any crisis only a terrible proof of their pessimistic expectations and experience any, perhaps not so serious, violation of harmony as the end of all relationships.

But it is not only this general “preliminary” pessimism regarding the fundamental possibility of happy heterosexual relationships that leads to the expectation of being abandoned again. An important role is played by the fact that it is the love partner who is the most suitable object for transference. And how can the basic experience caused by the father (“He left me and betrayed me”) not be transferred to the future love partner, especially on the part of a woman? The most common transference pattern in men (unconscious, of course) is that they tend to see any woman as an overbearing mother.

These and other patterns of transference not only disrupt existing relationships, they influence the very choice of a partner. Although conscious representation about the desired partner, both men and women, most likely, are opposite to the personality of the mother or father; they “choose” precisely those who do not at all correspond to this ideal image they draw for themselves. And most often the culprit is erotic attraction, which is not “interested” in the conscious ideal image and does not arise at all where we would like. “This is exactly the kind of man I dreamed of. But I don’t love him!” – how often have I heard such statements from women about kind, non-aggressive, caring and sensitive men. Or the same thing - from men in relation to women who are able to love, admire, pamper a man and recognize his authority, etc. And how often do I hear something like this: “I know this is terrible, but I don’t I can’t help it, I just can’t live without him (without her)!”

Not only children’s patterns of attitude towards objects are transferred to marriage, but also identification. For boys, the (partial) loss of a father also means the loss of a crucial object of identification; Of course, this does not mean that the little boy will now clearly identify himself only with his mother. Identification with the father may be maintained or even, as a substitute for a real relationship, strengthened. But identification with an absent father has little to do with reality; it remains, rather, a bare idea from which positive or negative idealization. Both forms prepare the way for an unhappy life: either because such men themselves unconsciously constantly confirm their imaginary inferiority or they strive throughout their lives to achieve some unrealistic ideal. One can easily imagine the devastating impact of all this on any relationship, including love life. Sometimes identification occurs with the father about whom he is still remembers: with a husband who was unable to satisfy his mother’s requests and was therefore expelled; or with an aggressor who mercilessly abandoned his wife and children.

Girls, they seem to have better luck in this regard, since they retain the primary object of identification. Moreover, as a result of divorce, the mother receives objectively increased power and the girl can derive some benefit from her identification with her power, up to and including compensation, to some extent, for some of the resentment that her father left her. But this is only at first glance. If it is possible to analyze patterns of relationships among women, then one can often encounter, in fact, the same identification processes as boys (or men): they identify themselves with a “pre-divorce” mother, that is, with a strong and aggressive mother whose father could never please, or with a mother who was completely subordinate to her father, allowed herself to be used and, nevertheless, was never able to satisfy his requests. In other words, some women do not give in to their husbands, while others, on the contrary, completely obey them, which leads to the fact that girls unconsciously repeat the attitudes of their parents. However painful these conscious experiences may be, they tend to unconsciously revive the once lost father in your partner.

The troubles of divorce and ways to overcome them. To help parents and parenting consultants. Figdor Helmut

2.4. About the goals of life in conditions of divorce

So far we have talked about immediate reactions to divorce and the need to prevent the decline of mental structures in the first weeks and months after divorce, after which maintaining the remnants of mental balance would become possible only by repressing the influx of impressions and affects. Now we will talk about the other side of the post-divorce crisis. How can divorce become a “successful” divorce?

Our work with children and their parents is guided by knowledge of the complexity of psychodynamic relationships. Firstly, we are able to understand what exactly the problems of a given family are, and, secondly, we are able to avoid the danger of satisfaction with the achievement of a nearby goal, since this is not yet an exhaustive condition for the happy development of the child. For example, if we helped parents find an opportunity for an optimally acceptable visitation schedule, this, of course, is already quite a success. However, this may be enough to avoid only the most terrible, but not all the sad consequences of divorce.

Protecting the relationship with the father

By “protecting the relationship” I mean primarily protecting the child’s opportunity And continue to maintain constant, real contact with the father, or, if it was interrupted, care should be taken to ensure its resumption. Contact allows the father, despite spatial separation, remain attainable as a love object and an object of identification.

It is important that both mother and father are ready for this relationship, but this intention most often encounters massive emotional resistance. Love and responsibility towards your child should help here. But this potential force is most often occupied by the “opposite side” - that is, the interference with contact (on the mother’s side) or the cessation of it (on the father’s side) is explained (rationalized) precisely by “the desire for the good of the child,” therefore both parents should be forced finally believe in the extraordinary significance of the child’s relationship with his father.

The tendency to rationalize (as if the father is harming the child) leads to mental irritation of children. And here we have a lot of information work ahead of us: parents must learn about the child’s fear of losing his mother when he goes to his father, and before losing his father, when he returns to his mother; about conflicts of loyalty, when a child is afraid of hurting his mother if he enjoys meeting his father; about the difficulties of young children under three years of age to maintain more than one love relationship at the same time, which often leads to the fact that they perceive a third person (for example, a father who comes to pick them up) as a stranger, and a change of objects can be perceived as a loss; about the feeling of guilt in children, which makes them fear that their father will abandon them or punish them; and also about the tendency to identify with the mother, which leads to rage towards the father and to punishing him with refusal of visits. Conversations between parents and children about this behavior and these reactions can also be framed as “questions.” But the verbal answer “No, it’s not as you think” can only achieve its goal when the child sees in practice that his fears are in vain and he has no need to give up his love for his father. In the same way, the attention of parents, especially mothers, should be drawn to the fact that irritation after visits to the father in most cases are not caused by the fact that the child feels bad with his father or that he is turning him against his mother, but simply that each new separation renews the pain of divorce that has already been experienced. And we must make parents aware that this confrontation with painful experiences is an important part of the child's new experience and processing of his pain.

Judicial regulation of visits with a child most often has rigid frames: Usually this is every second weekend, plus vacation, and in addition, another day is possible between these weekends. Many parents adhere to this rule, but some still prefer a more free schedule: it often turns out that the very weekends that are intended for visiting are not suitable for some reason, for example, the child is invited to a birthday party or due to business trips for the father a fixed schedule of visits is inconvenient. Many parents - and most often those who agree with close contact between the child and the father - find a rigid schedule unnatural and therefore prefer spontaneous contacts. But abandoning a certain routine also has its drawbacks: the likelihood of a conflict of interests between divorced spouses increases; due to the fact that to a large extent the child decides for himself whether he wants to see his father today - and this can sometimes be understood as a sign that he does not want to see his mother, his conflict of loyalty intensifies. Whatever decision the child makes, he offends either the father or the mother, which can cause jealousy and aggressiveness towards the ex-spouse. In these cases, the child does not have the opportunity to prepare for visits, and the joyful anticipation of meetings is taken away from him: when he misses his father, he is not around, and he appears, perhaps just when the child has already made some plans. A firm schedule of visits is still more suitable for a situation of divorce: then there is no need to discuss the time of visits, and the child knows exactly when he can count on a meeting with his beloved dad.

But within a rigid framework, some mobility is still desirable. Of course, it can always happen that the father does not have time just when the child wants to see him, but this disappointment relates to a specific case (this also happens when the father lives at home) and does not cause a sudden fear of losing the relationship, because firm frameworks still protect the constancy of relationships and in them individual disappointments are not so terrible.

It could be argued that a rigid visiting schedule limits the child's freedom, for example if the child is planning to do something different that weekend. But the whole question here is whether the father is something like grandparents, whom you can only occasionally visit, or he is a real parent for whom the child urgently needs. If he's someone who's just being visited, then the weekend event really becomes a competing factor. However, the full parent is responsible for deciding what the child can and cannot do, and if so, then the child does not need to rely on the support or protection of the mother (who would play the role of ambassador to the father) this weekend and will talk to the father myself. And if, for example, he needs to be taken somewhere, his father will do it. The formation of the relationship between father and child should depend on them. Not to mention the fact that in relation to teenagers, maintaining firm boundaries for visits against their will is generally unthinkable; here everything must be decided by mutual agreement.

Protecting the relationship with the father includes not only external organizational measures. The child should be helped maintain the feeling that he has a father, also between visits. Small children are not able to imagine what “two weeks” is. Maybe at first they will ask every day when dad will finally come, but when they receive unintelligible answers, they will stop asking questions. And then every date will be an unexpected meeting with a person who has already become partially a stranger, and every parting will then be a real separation, and this, in turn, will make every parting with the mother especially difficult; and she, in turn, will have impulses “not to give the child into the wrong hands.” For the father, all this will be a great insult. Here the so-called “dad’s calendar” can come to the rescue, thanks to which a small child will be able to focus on "Dad's" And "Mom's" days, and he will have not only a sense of time, but also a partial sense of control over time, which means he will no longer feel entirely at the mercy of the “whims” of “these adults.”

The calendar, thus, will become, as it were, “part of the image of the father” and the father will always be symbolically “here”. The symbolic presence of the father is absolutely necessary for the child. Mothers have many opportunities for this: you can hang photographs on the wall above the crib, you can talk to your child about your father or mention him in stories, fairy tales, or games.

Corina was one and a half years old when her parents separated. The father moved to Germany and could only see his daughter once every two months. Theoretically, for a small child these intervals are too long, and the time of visits too short, to retain a sufficient image of the father throughout. Today Korina is five years old and she passionately loves her dad, whom she still sees no more often. The girl talks about him with pride, enjoys dates, rushes into her dad's arms as soon as he appears on the doorstep, and calmly leaves with him, although in all other cases it is difficult for her to part with her mother. The basis of this phenomenon is that mother constantly cares about the daughter’s internal relationship with her father: in Corina’s room hang a photograph of her father and the aforementioned “dad’s calendar.” Mother and daughter have one game: giving names to different sizes - “daddy” meant big, “mommy” - average and "baby" - small. It’s the same with paints: “dad” was blue color, "mom" - red,"baby" - pink, A black– “wow-wow” (it was the color of their dog). When Corina was drawing, her mother asked her who she was drawing for, and she herself offered to draw a picture for her dad to give to him when he arrived. When they met a man with a beard, my mother would say: “Look, he has a beard like your dad.” And so on.

Of course, this is only possible when the mother really wants the spiritual closeness of the child with the father and nothing prevents her from being friendly towards her ex-husband. And if this is so, then the mother can do a lot to ensure that the child retains the feeling that he has both a mom and a dad, regardless of the circumstances.

This symbolic inclusion of the father in the family is very important for older children. While in children, in the absence of their father, his image is somewhat erased, in older children, unconscious protection comes into force. It can touch on various aspects of the father's image: his importance for the child; a sense of belonging, that is, from “my father” he can turn into simply “father”; the feeling of being loved by your father; respect, etc. And the place of repressed properties will be replaced by fantasies and projections stemming from the personality of the child himself or from his identification with the mother. For example, a child may say: “I don’t need him!”, “I’m tired of him!”, “I only need one mother!”, “He loves anyone, just not me,” “He’s angry,” “He’s weak, bad,” etc. We have already spoken of this kind of neglect of the father, which means nothing more than a defense against intolerable conflicts of loyalty. This can also happen when the father is little available to the child and the relationship with a beloved, needed, respected father becomes a source of nothing but disappointment. The symbolic holding of the father, which helps to avoid such protection, of course, reminds the child of his misfortune for some time, but it also makes it possible to readjust to a new life situation: the child learns to overcome separation through thinking, for example, through good memories and joyful plans to the next meeting; he has the opportunity to symbolically - through conversations, games, books, drawings - process his disappointment and uncertainty, which allows him to freely enter into each new contact with his father.

Protecting the relationship between father and child also includes ensuring that father did not suddenly disappear from the child’s life. The extreme workload of divorced mothers, which arises not least because of the woman’s unsatisfactory social status, often leads to the fact that they are viewed by society as victims, and fathers as winners who have achieved complete independence and transferred the entire burden of upbringing and all responsibility to the woman. But this generalization, in my experience, is not entirely true. The mental stress of visiting fathers is also often too much to bear. And, as already mentioned, it is precisely these mental troubles that often lead to a complete breakdown of relations with the child.

Therefore, professional father helpers should:

– support the father in his experience of the pain of separation and the narcissistic injury caused by this separation and (or) his helplessness in relation to the children;

- make him understand the unreality of his fears for the love of his children or, if his fear of losing his children or their love is justified, help him relax the tension in his relationship with ex-wife and thus prevent danger;

- help him build a new relationship with the child, bearing in mind that the (external) conditions of the relationship between the child and the father after the divorce - much more than his relationship with the mother - differ from those before the divorce. The more joy and satisfaction a father receives in his relationship with his child, the more important these meetings will be for him.

Mitigating Conflicts of Loyalty

If parents can protect the child-father relationship by maintaining secure visitation limits and symbolically maintaining the father's presence in everyday life, this will go a long way toward mitigating children's loyalty conflicts. In this way, parents let the child understand: “You have the right to love both – mom and dad!”

The usual source of loyalty conflicts comes, however, not from the difficulties of post-divorce relationships themselves, but from the version that is presented to the child about reasons for divorce.

Here everything revolves around the question of who is to blame. Many children see that the answers of the father and mother not only do not coincide, they are diametrically opposed to each other, which puts the child (who loves both parents and trusts both of them, because in his eyes they are the highest moral authority, that is, representatives of honesty and love of truth) ) faced with an insurmountable problem: one of them he's probably lying. Often, a child involuntarily takes the side of the parent with whom he is currently, which, of course, leads him to complete misunderstanding and he is overwhelmed by doubts, but he develops a feeling of guilt towards the other parent whom he has just “betrayed.” If the child nevertheless dares to make a “final verdict,” then this increases the ambivalence of his object relationship to the “guilty” parent. If love wins and he does not give up the “guilty”, then he still feels like a “traitor”, which often leads to “testimony” against himself (he is so weak that he cannot give up his love for the person who has caused so much evil to mom (dad)). There remains one of two things - take all the blame on yourself or conclude that both are lying, which will certainly destroy his trust and, as mentioned above (section 1 .2. Conflicts of loyalty with preserved relationships with the father), will lead to delibidonization (deprivation of love) of the relationship to primary objects.

Next, professional consultants should have the task of getting parents to develop general version reasons for divorce. It would be good for parents to decide from the very beginning how they will present “it” to their children. It would be best to consult a specialist. But, unfortunately, when they turn to us for help, divorce is already far away and we have to deal with the versions of guilt that have formed in the child. The question of guilt (and the internal conflicts that follow from it) occupies the child for as long as he is still concerned about his attitude towards his father.

Conflicts of loyalty can only be mitigated when there is at least minimal trust and willingness to cooperate between divorced parents. But since it is in this area that there is a large deficit, our most important task is to restore their ability to cooperate.

Relieving tension in the relationship of divorced parents by maintaining opportunities for cooperation

It is no coincidence that we have listed the goals facing professional assistants in this order. The point is that the external frame of visits, the symbolic retention of the father in everyday life and the reduction of conflicts of loyalty increases the chances of using the father as an object of triangulation. This function of the father is extremely important for the development in the child of the fundamental ability to triangulate (simultaneously maintaining relationships with more than one person). First of all, it relaxes the tension in the child’s relationship with his mother, which is inevitably too close and therefore filled with massive internal conflicts.

It goes without saying that in the best possible way the child can use the father as an object of triangulation if he really present in his everyday life. If the father is present to a large extent only symbolically, then two dangers arise: firstly, the image of the father is idealized by the child and, secondly, the father loses his internal connection with the child. Perhaps the idealization of the father by the child for some time still flatters the parent’s pride, softening his fears of losing love, but the relationship between father and child thus becomes a kind of enclave, an island where everyone lives on their own and where there is no place for such “banal” things like everyday life, school, friends, following the rules, which leads to the fact that the father, in fact, ceases to be a real father and his relationship with the child acquires a kind of “love intimacy”. In this protected space (protecting primarily the father), the child is not able to get rid of his worries, so this kind of intimacy does not bring him anything good. Eleven-year-old Tommy told me, sighing, how he and his father were on visiting days - for the third year now! - play with Lego constructors. This game has long ceased to interest the boy, but he does not dare to tell his father, who every time presents him with a new “surprise”, buying more and more new sets. Another father, who saw his – also eleven-year-old – daughter only once a month, complained about his misfortune: he simply did not know what to talk to her about: “I have no idea what she is thinking about. In fact, she has become someone else’s child to me, we only pretend that we are good friends.”

Of course, everyday communication between father and child after a divorce is greatly limited. But something can still be done here: the father can cope from the mother on the phone about what the child is doing and what he is interested in. (In principle, many mothers would be happy about this, since it would bring some relief to their daily worries about the children. In this case, the father would remain a kind of triangular object in the eyes of the mother, which would alleviate the inevitable tension in the mother’s relationship after divorce and child). You can also negotiate short meetings between regular visits, let the father meet the child at school and take him home, or they go to the cinema together, etc. It would be good if the visits were not only on weekends, so that the father also takes care of the child’s school affairs, so that he also has to forbid him something, for example, watching TV for too long, etc. It rarely happens that the father has to go with the child (maybe at the request of the mother) something then buy it urgently, take it to the dentist or go talk to the teacher. In my experience, those fathers who initially protested against such “responsibilities” - and not only because they take up time, but most importantly because it is difficult to give up the role of a father with whom the child does not have to do anything unpleasant - later rejoiced this new role responsible parent. Because only this role saves you from regression towards your own child. But we must not forget that this regression is generated by the fear of losing love and therefore forces one to do only what the child likes. Such regression is harmful not only for the child (since he needs, first of all, a responsible parent, and not some kind of “mass entertainer”), but also for the father it only brings disappointment, resentment and humiliation.

Opportunity everyday contacts with father represents a kind of intermediate point between the symbolic and real, everyday representation of the father. Does the child have the opportunity to talk to his father when he needs him? And first of all, is this opportunity clear to the child, can he use it fearlessly? Of course, a lot can be achieved if a father calls his son or daughter on the phone. But it should be done so that these calls bring something good to the child, and do not only serve to satisfy the needs of the father. Or, more precisely, if the father satisfies his natural needs for communication and at the same time makes the child understand how interested he is in him, then this is exactly what is required. It is worse if the father thus (first of all) seeks to alleviate his pain and expects consolation from the child. For example, it’s normal if the father says: “Well, how are you? What would you like to do when we see you next weekend? And it’s very bad if he says: “Oh, I miss you so much, I miss you so much!” Such remarks tear the child out of his, perhaps at that moment, completely balanced state, activate the pain of separation and turn him into a kind of guardian or therapist of the father, and this role is beyond the power of any child. I know many children who suffer extremely from their helplessness, because they believe that their father is too bad without them, they are afraid for their father and are not able to imagine that their relationship, even in these circumstances, can bring satisfaction.

Of course, the father's reach does not happen by itself. Therefore, precisely to the extent that the father is unattainable in everyday life, other close people acquire a higher importance for the development of the child’s psyche. Of course, if they are able to partially or completely compensate for the lost functions of the father.

The initiative for such a relationship should come primarily from the mother. But to do this, she first has to understand that in this way she is doing something very kind not only for the child, but also for herself. Of course, the indispensable condition is that this person is loved by the child and loves him; this must be a person with whom the mother also has a good relationship, so that the child again has the opportunity to live in a triple union. From the point of view of triangulation, this third person becomes not only the object of other, non-maternal relationships, he is also important because the mother now has someone else and she is not focused only on the child. The mother should not be embarrassed by the fact that the child may first begin to protest against the temporary “occupation” of the mother, for example, by a nanny or his aunt (uncle), or he himself will not want to stay with them. Of course, it would be nice if this person was a man or, if the child has many such “friends,” that among them there would be at least one male person. This role can, for example, be taken over by a grandfather if he is not too decrepit and the child perceives him not as a “grandfather”, but as a man.

The situation is very difficult for those women who, after a divorce, are cut off from social life, no longer feel like women and become only mothers, focusing all their ideas about happiness, love and satisfaction on the child. For a child, such a social retreat of the mother is extremely dangerous, since then he becomes, as it were, a partner of the mother, solely responsible for her mental well-being - a role that is beyond the capabilities of any child. If such exclusion from social life occurs for real socio-economic reasons, then something else can be done. However, if the reasons for this are purely psychological, then such mothers - for the well-being of their children - need therapeutic help, which would help them process the disappointments they have experienced and open up new possibilities for perceiving the world, restoring at least partially faith in people and especially in men.

Further relaxation of tension in the mother-child relationship

Regardless of the possibilities for triangulation, there is another phenomenon that burdens the relationship between children and divorced mothers. I called it pedagogization mother-child relationship. I am referring to the tendency of (single) mothers to reduce their relationship with their children to exclusively “pedagogical” tasks, a tendency that usually increases as the mother becomes more isolated and her life is oriented exclusively towards the child. In the hierarchy of pedagogical goals, in my experience, the central place is occupied by academic performance at school, then go "social character traits" such as prudence, attentiveness to others, willingness to cooperate, etc. Instead of observing the child’s development with a certain curiosity and enjoying their life together, these mothers worry terribly about every test, react with fear to children’s meetings with other people and etc. As a result, their lives - since most often children are not what their parents would like them to be - are filled with disappointment, and the mother has a growing sense of guilt due to the fact that she considers her maternal task unfulfilled.

There are many reasons for this phenomenon. Reassessing the importance of academic performance may be associated with the experiences of her own childhood, but most often the mother believes that she is obliged to prove to the whole world that she herself, that is, without a father, is able to cope with all the tasks of upbringing. Thus, “concern for the future” of the child becomes a kind of protection against feelings of guilt about the divorce, which may have caused irreparable harm to the child.

Overestimate social behavior Children are much more likely to be affected by mothers than by fathers. In addition, divorced mothers are very afraid that the child will become “like the father” (in relation to boys, such educational positions are strengthened). The problem is that there is no room in the mother's assessment system for the aggressive needs and impulses of children. She often struggles with everything that has to do with aggression and self-assertion, right down to the world of childhood fantasies and games. Thus, a mother may be seriously upset if she finds herself “shot” with a spoon, playing war is morally condemned, stories and fairy tales are “cleared” of aggressive scenes; and if a child loses in a sports competition, he has no right to be upset, but must follow the example of his mother, who may even smile if she is defeated (“why does she even play if she doesn’t want to win?”). And these mothers have no idea how aggressive this fight is against the (supposed) aggressiveness of the child. And how can a child cope with the ambivalence of his feelings, with his disappointments, anger, feelings of powerlessness, if he is deprived of any opportunity to express these feelings, up to symbolization and games? And how can you learn to control your irritation due to a loss if you are not even recognized as having the right to be irritated?

The result of this “pedagogical education” is that children are simply unable to live up to the expectations of their mothers, and this increases the tension in their mutual relationships. If children try to adapt, then this - due to the inflated demands of the mother - becomes possible only through repression. However, the aggressive, “male” element, expelled from the family idyll, will one day return and take revenge for itself - and this in an immature, infantile guise, since, as we have already said, no development occurs in the repressed one.

Explaining all this to mothers is the most important task of professional divorce counselors.

Luck of the new family

As already mentioned, the most important condition for creating a new happy family is the conscious desire of the mother and her new partner to take such a step. And this is regardless of how the child currently perceives his mother’s new friend. Of course, this is easy to say. “I’m terribly in love with my friend Gerd,” says Frau S., mother of a three-year-old daughter and six-year-old son, “but we only see each other one evening a week. How can we determine whether we can live together?! This evening I come home at ten o'clock in the evening, but more than twice a week I simply cannot leave my children alone. We both don't want Gerd to come to my house because the children clearly don't like him. What if I tell them now that Gerd will stay with us and they will gradually get used to him, and then nothing will work out for us? I don't want them to experience the loss again! Then they will stop trusting me altogether...” And Frau K. tried another possibility. She brought her friend Conrad home and introduced him to her seven-year-old son Andi: “You can play railroad with Conrad, otherwise you’re always complaining that I don’t enjoy this game!” And indeed, the boy immediately took Conrad into his arms and then could hardly wait for his next arrival. The whole problem is that Andi began to view Conrad as his comrade and the adults in his presence barely managed to say a word to each other. Of course, this is not how they imagined their relationship. Then Conrad went with his mother to her room, and it gradually became clear to Andi that Conrad loved his mother more than him. Moreover, he saw that he was also very dear to his mother, that his mother admired him, then he began to hate Conrad. But the most terrible thing for Frau K. was that she unexpectedly saw her friend from a side from which she did not yet know him: instead of patiently trying to win Andi’s trust again, he ignored him, or even got angry and rude in his address. Two months later they separated. “I really loved him very much,” said Frau K., “but if you want to live together, love alone is not enough. My friend should also be a senior friend for my son. How can you know in advance whether he is capable of such friendship?

An insoluble dilemma? Over time, it became clear to me that not only these two women, but many other mothers had something in common. They think through many approaches to children, but they do not dare to do one thing: tell the child the truth.“Meet me, this is my friend, I love him, and he loves me, we want to be together. Of course, together with you. That's why he will come to us often. Maybe later we will want to live together altogether, but we don’t know that yet!” I like Françoise Doltos's proposal (Francoise Doltos, 1988): “The word to use for children is groom.” A mother can have many suitors. What a child needs is an understandable word. The mother must explain to the children what this word means: “Maybe we will get married someday, but no one knows this yet. This man and I (this woman and I, if we are talking about the father), we love each other. If we decide to get married, we will tell you about it"".

When and with what intensity this problem will arise and how the new couple will resolve it is impossible to predict. But one thing is certain: if children are deceived or the truth is hidden from them, the escalation of the problem can be considered programmed. Let's say more, if the lie is successful, then the child really feels safe for some time, but this security is rather unreliable. If he suddenly discovers what exactly is hidden behind the harmless word “friend” and what is hidden behind going to the movies with Aunt Bertha, not only his precarious security will be destroyed; behind the fact that the truth was hidden from him, he, quite rightly, will note a bad conscience. And a bad conscience, as we know, is a sign guilt. Thus, the appearance of a new man signals to the child a threat to his own needs. If the parents do not lie, but at the same time do not tell the whole truth, then the child feels that something is wrong here, and where there are no sufficient explanations, all sorts of fantasies come into their own. As a rule, in fantasies, ideas about danger are much more formidable than in reality. In any case, the mother (father) loses trust, and often - at least, as far as relationships are concerned - forever. Let's imagine ourselves in the place of a child. Suppose a person, in whose love I firmly believe, suddenly openly announces the upcoming big changes in our lives. It may happen that these changes do not suit me, maybe they cause me great anxiety, but when changes are spoken about openly, I get the feeling that my mother (father) not only does not see any danger in the upcoming events, but even considers them a big win. It is this confidence of a mother or father that can greatly alleviate my own fears.

When working with parents, it is important not only to explain to them that the main possibility of normal development of events lies in the truth, but first of all it is necessary to find out causes, why exactly do they not want to tell their children about what is really happening. Most often, very dubious pedagogical positions are hidden here. This may be an underestimation of the child, a lack of sufficient respect for him, or a feeling of guilt and fear. Fear leads to regression of the mother or father, when the child in their eyes becomes a kind of sanctioning authority. However, one should think carefully about this “twist” of relationships: if the mother (father) takes the position of a child, this means that the child at that moment practically loses his mother (father). And then he really has no choice but to try to take the situation into his own hands, that is, to begin to fight with all his might against the new union.

We have already said that the great importance of a three-way relationship lies, among other things, in the fact that the child from time to time sees himself excluded from the relationship of two. At the same time, he makes the discovery that, it turns out, “nothing happened” and he did not lose his favorite objects at all. Of course, the new partner should try to win the child’s friendship and, to some extent, devote himself to him, but “to some extent,” and not in the same way as the Conrad we knew did. First of all, the beginning itself should be clear: new husband rank(new woman) is here Firstly because between him and his mother (between her and his father) there is a love relationship that there is no need to hide. Whether these two dual relationships (“mother-child” and “mother-friend”) will develop into a third one (“friend-child”) and further into a triple relationship, adults should take care of this first of all, since they bear responsibility. But also child, Of course, I also have to contribute. And he will do this if he sees that in order not to be excluded, he simply has no choice but to adapt to the new life situation.

In order for adults to admit to the child the existence of their love relationship, there is another important reason. This love is still too young and therefore too vulnerable, it needs care. To develop a reliable partnership, lovers must create a room where they could stay together, without feeling any remorse. And if they end up moving in together or getting married, they should never give up honeymoon and, of course, without children.

A particular difficulty in creating a new family is absence of usual roles. There are no typical interactional patterns here, but there is also no new, alternative model: the mother’s ability to adapt to the new partner is greatly narrowed by the acquired lifestyle and relationship with the children, and the new partner finds herself “abandoned” to the children, who simply have no choice but to have a relationship with the “sudden father.” no experience.

If the stepfather has children from a previous marriage, then he will be forced to make the discovery that the certain family experience he already has in this family and with these children simply do not allow themselves to realize themselves. On the other hand, how can children know how to behave with a man who, in fact, is a stranger to them, but they do not have the right to treat him as a stranger - he lives in their home, with his mother, as if he were their father. These problems cannot be considered insoluble, although sometimes they actually become so. I think that professional advice in this area can provide great support.

Particular attention should be paid to the child’s uncertainty about how his own father will look at his relationship with his mother’s new husband and how exactly he should behave towards him so as not to offend his father. First of all, the stepfather should signal the child the following: “I would really like to become your great friend or maybe even your dad. Precisely dad, and not father, because you already have a father and nothing can be changed about this!

Unlike relationships with stepfathers, children find it easier to avoid mixing his relationship with his father's new wife with his relationship with his mother. The mother remains the most important person, occupying a central place in their lives. But it happens that the father’s new family also needs help so that the child does not feel excluded from it. Fritsch says it well about what we are talking about here in the first place. (Fritsch, see section 1.3. Notes on "evil stepmothers"): on visiting days, the child should not feel deprived of his personal relationship with his father, which is, as it were, automatically replaced by a triadic relationship with his new wife. This may suit the wishes of the father and his wife, but not the wishes and needs of the child. Of course, the children should maintain a relationship with the father's new wife and spend time together as well, but the father, who is already absent from the child's daily life, should, if possible, at least partially try to fill this deficit. Therefore, out of the total time, several hours should be allocated when the father and child would study with each other, and his wife would remain in the background.

The big problem in a new family is the complex rules, boundaries, authorities. Due to parents' lack of confidence in their roles, the family teaching area also suffers greatly.

The main thing that parents should pay attention to (and we have already talked about this): the mother’s new husband (father’s wife) at first should (should) refuse prohibitions, instructions, teachings, sanctions, and so on, or at least strongly soften, without too much asserting your authority in relation to the child, which would determine the style of their future relationship. A strong stepfather, who sets limits and boundaries, is necessary for the development of a child only when the child - with all the ambivalence of his feelings and his opposition - has developed the need to please him and would remain with him in good relations. And, on the contrary, the mother should be convinced of the need for some more time to play this – most often unpleasant – role alone, although, perhaps, she has a desire to “support her father” after that difficult time when she was forced to bear all the responsibility alone. extremely large.

But what should a stepfather or stepmother do if they have to stay alone with the children? Allow everything? Of course not! But you shouldn’t cautiously glance around to see if your mother or father is nearby. This would be an extremely large regression. And how can good and reliable family relationships develop from a relationship with an adult who feels completely helpless?!

It is necessary to distinguish completely different types borders. On the one hand, these are everyday everyday rules, to which the child must one way or another obey. If he, in the absence of his father or mother, neglects such rules (which may be in the nature of a test or - if the new partner is still aggressively charged - provocation), then you can say something like this: “I don’t want to order you anything, but I find that You're not behaving well enough. And for all I know, Mom would be angry with you too.” In this way, the stepfather seems to present the (mother’s) rules and he manages to avoid a power struggle. At the same time, he acts as an adult who evaluates the child’s behavior. Exist boundaries that must be respected on what and must the stepfather insists when he is left alone with the child. And he cannot rely entirely on the child himself in this regard. Such rules include, for example, going to school, maintaining hygiene, taking medications, boundaries that guarantee the safety of the child, as well as the safety of things, going to bed, etc. With regard to maintaining such boundaries, I believe it is necessary that the mother herself in the presence of the child endowed her new husband with sufficient power and, if necessary, herself sanctioned the failure to comply with the necessary rules. “Today I am replaced by Peter, today He“Mom,” and when he says “it’s time to go to bed,” that means you have to go to bed. If you don’t obey, you won’t get your evening fairy tale tomorrow!” (or something like that). Finally, there is a third type of boundaries: this personal boundaries stepfather Here we are talking about the child’s behavior directed against the stepfather’s important needs or against his well-being, be it noise, the child’s desire to pull his hair, impolite words, or a demand to do something that the stepfather is not inclined to do at the moment. Here he should not give up his “authority” from the very beginning. Moreover, it is not enough to say: “So do not do". You should persistently let the child understand: “I I do not like". This is the only way a child should get to know this new, still stranger, person. And only in this way does the stepfather’s relationship with the child have a chance of successful development. But, be that as it may, if the stepfather counts the minutes until the mother arrives, that is, until he is freed from the need to be alone with the child, then we can say that the position of the planets for such a relationship is quite unfavorable from the very beginning.

In all our efforts to help a new family create a successful starting position or correct mistakes that have already occurred, we must avoid the illusion that problems and mistakes can be avoided altogether. For this, the changes in normal life that have taken place are too radical and the internal (also unconscious) experiences of these events are too close to the trauma of divorce. So, children will react, and they will react in the same way they reacted to the divorce: with fear, sadness, jealousy or rage, as well as feelings of guilt and failure (for example, “me alone wasn’t enough for Mom”). And if outwardly they do not show their confusion, then this - as in the case of divorce - rather indicates that they (for whatever reasons) do not want to show these feelings or deny them themselves. Even those few children who are “glad about the new dad” have quite ambivalent feelings. And just as in divorce, we have to explain to parents (and their new partners) that they should expect their children to be confused and desperate, and the symptoms that come with it. But they can, with a clear conscience, take responsibility for these new stresses to which they expose their children.

The same can be said about the symptoms and symptomatic behavior of children whose parents enter into a new marriage as about the immediate symptoms of divorce: they should be understood as questions, and the child has a strong need for “answers” to them. And these questions remain the same. Only two of them should be given special attention, since they are at the center of all the troubles of the child in this situation. First: “I will always love you because you are my child. And absolutely nothing will change about this, even if I love this man (this woman). He (she) is my (my) man (woman), and you are my child!” And here is the answer to the second “burning” question: “You can love more than one person. You also love both mom and dad. Maybe you will also like your mother’s new husband (father’s wife), but this will not stop you from loving your father (mother)!”

So now we can imagine the “chances of divorce.” At least theoretically. However, the question what is going to happen, Ensuring that children overcome their parents' divorce without severe long-term consequences, and even benefit from it for their development, is only half the problem. The second part of the problem is the question: how can parents be helped to acquire the ability to do what should be done? The most important condition for the success of professional help is a position that is based on the need to help not only children, but also adults who are also at the mercy of their difficult, overwhelming experiences.

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The troubles of divorce and ways to overcome them. To help parents and parenting consultants (19 pages) The troubles of divorce and ways to overcome them

Preface

Introduction

Subject and main topics of this book

IV

Chapter 1: The Trauma of Divorce

1.1. How do children and their parents cope with divorce?

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