The father wakes up his daughter. “I’m excited by my five-year-old daughter, and that’s normal” - father’s shocking confession Dad pulled on daughter

Psychotherapist Anton Udovenko, who wrote on his Facebook page a frank story about his relationship with his 5-year-old daughter, about why you can’t walk in front of children without panties and how to overcome the attraction to your own child.

The purpose of my post is to expand the zone of normality. Many men in relation to their daughters, many women in relation to their sons experience feelings similar to those that I described. A very strong reaction on the Internet showed that it means that people found something similar in this story... In some way it will be useful for those who recognize themselves here.

I appreciate the attention... Comments when people thank me... Some people insult, some don’t, people are different. It’s not scary or painful to me at all. Yesterday I blocked those who insulted me, but after that the same number of people came to be my friends. My philosophy does not suit everyone, but there are like-minded people. Strict moral standards say that arousal is prohibited. But the physiological reaction is normal for any person, no matter who he feels aroused by - cats, dogs, parrots... Someone experiences arousal from fast cars, someone from shoes... I don’t feel attraction to my daughter, I experience arousal, that we play in bed and... not only. I don't know how to describe it to you. This subtle point is important to me. You know, you experience this kind of excitement when you pet a cat, a dog, or when a parrot climbs on your head and starts poking around... Everything is connected with sexual feelings. In general, everything is according to Freud.

They say that people usually feel sexually aroused with the person they want to have sex with. I don't agree. This is a very clear position. I believe such simple things do not apply to people. Someone is feeling agitated and needs a release. Someone is experiencing it and doesn’t need it. Still different. After all, the body is not under our control, it is controlled by instincts. Instinct arises - excitement arises... My wife is also quite normally developed intellectually. I say, I wrote a text about this... I gave it to him to read. She approved. We didn't have any confessions. I didn’t come over, I didn’t set the table in advance, I didn’t tell her the secret in confidence.

It's normal to feel excited while hugging your baby. This normality needs to be recognized, seen in oneself and something done about it. Because if we don’t recognize it and don’t notice it, but simply turn away from it, then all of this will unconsciously influence our lives. Cases of domestic violence and incest occur precisely because of silence. People are closed off from themselves, consider it bad, blame themselves, keep silent, this tension accumulates, and at some point the mind fades into the background, and the body does its own thing, and... that’s it.

Therefore, the first step is to become aware of these forbidden feelings within yourself. Only then can they be controlled. The main thing is not to kiss your daughter on the lips or touch her genitals. This barrier cannot be crossed. I have seen many times when mothers kiss their boys on the lips, wash them in the bathroom for a long time until they are 10 years old, this leads to peculiarities in the development of the psyche, and it is impossible to predict the consequences. I am also completely against parents walking around naked in front of their children. The genital area should be covered, it is even advisable that mothers wear dresses and not a bra and panties. This is unacceptable for me and my children.

I had a difficult childhood, so I try to raise my children well. At about six months, I bit my mother on the breast, and she switched me to formula. At 10 months I was already walking well, they took me to Ukraine and left me for six months. With grandparents. Grandma Lena played the role of mother well, and I am grateful to her for her care and love. My parents didn’t hear my first words, and when they arrived, I was babbling in Ukrainian with all my might. The resulting basic feeling of uselessness, loneliness and an unconscious desire to die became my companions for the rest of my life.

Before becoming a psychologist, he worked in the police, abused alcohol, soft drugs, and went to nightclubs. At some point I realized that I was going downhill, and entered the psychology department of the RUDN University. Today my marriage is 13 years old, I have wonderful children, a wise wife, a dacha, a car, an apartment and a job I love. I realized that I don’t need power and fame, and I will always have as much money as I need to go towards my happiness and the happiness of my family, dear love...” says the psychologist. And he adds that it is his psychological drama and hidden pain that makes it possible to help others. “I am sure that it is impossible to be a good psychologist without having personal emotional experience of overcoming and experiencing. Telling a client “I understand you” without feeling what the person is talking about, without having a similar experience in your soul, is deception and a crime.

Do you think this doesn't happen? So you didn't have a daughter...

And some dads don't give a damn

In general, this is an old problem: the Electra complex, developing into sexual interest and even incest.
My relative had two daughters a year apart. Until a certain age, they ran around the apartment in panties, dad sometimes washed their butts, but when their pubis began to sprout and the first marks on their chests appeared, dad once barked when they perched on his lap: So, they’re already grown-up girls, well, - they closed all the places, and only my mother works as a bathhouse attendant.
In general, this is a normal approach to the problem. I don’t understand what questions there could be, “what should I do?” etc.
There are two options: stop or become a pedophile.

Very often women say: well, it’s okay, it’s a daughter, just think, and kiss on the lips. The usual reaction of a matron who is afraid to talk to her husband about a sensitive topic. Therefore, we portray a carefree face at a bad game, pretending that the husband’s erection after putting his daughter to bed is a purely spontaneous physiological phenomenon.
Quite often, a father resists his daughter’s tenderness and his dark, base desires, but then comes to appreciate it. The daughter doesn’t mind, the wife has her head in the sand, why not have some fun after a working day

90% of pedophiles are relatives of the victim (fathers, brothers, stepfathers, grandfathers).
Therefore, we will never know the scale of family pedophilia.

The father you saw in a dream will remind you to take advantage of someone’s wise advice and solve the problems that have arisen. If you disobey your father, you will face great difficulties.

If you dreamed that your father died, conduct business more carefully, otherwise you will have a very difficult time.

A young woman who sees her dead father in a dream should be prepared for the fact that her lover is deceiving or will soon deceive her.

D. Loff wrote about dreams in which we see our father: “The father is an interesting figure in dreams. He appears in a dream in different guises, causing conflicting feelings with his presence. As psychological studies show, the perception of higher-order beings in whom you believe largely depends on how you treat your father, how you perceive him.

As a result, dreams about the appearance of a father often refer to issues of power, presence and love. As a rule, power and authority are concepts that are primarily associated with the father. The father is an all-knowing and all-seeing person, and discipline is only a consequence of the above qualities. Sometimes your father appears in your life in an unusual way. Such dreams can make you feel that not everything in this world is well organized.

The appearance of a father in a dream can symbolize warmth, strength, or, conversely, their absence in relation to other dream characters. In addition, a sick father usually dreams of some unresolved issues (Which ones? Other elements of the dream will help answer this question.)

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Dream Interpretation - Father

Seeing him dying in a dream means that you will be ashamed of what you have done.

Seeing a deceased father is a sign of illness or receiving an inheritance. For lovers, such a dream foreshadows news of betrayal.

If your father remains silent in his sleep, then soon you will receive news of his illness. A dream in which you saw that your father is sick portends grief.

If you dream that you are talking to your father, who died long ago, then you should remember him. Arguing with your father in a dream is a sign of failure. Seeing him happy in a dream means receiving news from home.

Becoming a father in a dream is a sign of a happy ending to something. A godfather in a dream is a symbol of protection.

After such a dream, you should listen to good advice and follow it. Sometimes such a dream reminds us of the responsibility that lies with us.

For a girl to see her mother and father together in a dream - a sign of imminent marriage or great luck and happiness.

Many people have heard more than once that a real man must do three things in his life: build a house, plant a tree and raise a son. The expression has long acquired the shade of folk wisdom, which teaches that a man during his life (at least once) must take care of nature, take care of the continuation of his family, and also provide his family with a place to live.

This phrase is often said during toasts, although it is unknown who authored this expression. This sounds like a phrase in the Talmud. It says that “a man must first build a house and plant a vineyard, and then get married” (“Sota”, 44b (93, p. 361). So the expression “build a house, plant a tree and raise a son” can be considered an interpretation of the phrase from Talmud, the meaning of which is that it is necessary to first create conditions for life, and then get a wife.

Generations of Soviet children, following the young performers, inspiredly sang the lines of the popular song: “Let there always be a mother, let there always be me.” Not everyone asked the question: “What about dad?”

In the wings

Until recently, the roles in the family were quite clearly distributed: dad works and earns money, mom also works and raises. Although fathers, of course, are different, when using the word “dad” in Soviet times, two stereotypes were common: a dad lying on the sofa with a sports newspaper or a strict one with a belt. We walked with the children, took them to sections, clubs, and went to parent-teacher meetings, most often mothers or grandmothers. The father was responsible for teaching the child order, strict upbringing, and even choosing the professional path of his son or daughter.

“Dads are becoming more responsible and want to take part in raising their children. Sometimes women earn more, and dads are there to help with the upbringing. Fathers are increasingly taking maternity leave. Now I go to parent-teacher meetings with my children and see that dads often come and actively discuss all school matters. That is, they are interested in the development of children,” says Irina Ermakova, chairman of the public organization “Large Children of the Perm Region”. – We are hosting a forum for women “Mama Bee”. While mothers were gaining new knowledge, fathers were taking care of their children. I think it's wonderful."

Modern life is blurring traditional roles, but getting used to it is not so easy. You can learn about how to be a mother - from pregnancy to raising teenagers - everywhere. But there is much less information about how to be a dad. They usually don’t prepare for the role of a father: in kindergarten and school they usually don’t talk about who dad is, focusing on mom.

Nowadays you can see brutal guys who braid their daughters’ hair and walk with their kids in playgrounds. Dads take their children to classes and clubs and generally spend more time with their children.

“If you want to be a good dad, no one will tell you how to do it. There are practically no books. There are also very few thematic sites and there is little useful information there,” says Pyotr Kravchenko, organizer of the discussion “Where is Dad?”, which was recently held at the Smart Child exhibition.

"Mama" ecosystem

Peter has two children: Arseny is three years old, Kirill will soon be one year old. The division of roles in the family is traditional: dad is mainly the breadwinner. And yet Peter tries to spend more time with his sons. Now the schedule allows me to take my three-year-old son to work, so that the child knows what the head of the family does and how he earns money. When Peter began to actively participate in raising children, he realized that he did not know much.

“I see how my wife’s communication with her girlfriends is structured. They have some kind of bird language, a whole mother ecosystem. This manifests itself in everything: they share advice, change things, etc. There are many sites and groups on social networks for mothers. But there is nothing for dads yet,” says Peter. “It so happened that my close friends and I became fathers almost simultaneously. But in our male company it is not customary to discuss issues of education. But we all wanted to become fathers, and our goal is to become good dads. But unlike women, there are no courses or books for us. For example, I am interested in many questions. On the one hand, I don’t want to crush the child with severity, on the other hand, I understand that it is necessary to form a framework for behavior. How to find balance? If earlier dads influenced the choice of profession, now this is becoming impossible. When the baby grows up, they will change significantly. Where can we look for an answer even to this question?”

It is not customary to discuss issues of education in a male company. But we all wanted to become fathers, and our goal is to become good dads. But unlike women, there are no courses or books for us.
Tenderness and responsibility

To understand who a dad is and what it means to be a good father, Peter and his friends organized a discussion. To the delight of the organizers, she gathered a lot of men. How to find a balance between work and family, what conscious fatherhood is, what are the advantages of maternity leave - they discussed all these issues.

“It is important for the future father to be aware of everything that happens to the woman he loves even during pregnancy. This should become a necessity, because even an unborn child is already part of the family. In such a situation, a man should already be interested in how he can help. If a husband takes a responsible approach to the role of a father, he must be ready to restructure his taste habits, to give up some personal needs for the sake of the needs of the family (for example, quit smoking on the balcony, go outside), says Perm journalist Roman Popov. – The one who is more comfortable goes on maternity leave. The important issue here is priority and agreements, not established norms. Even at the stage of his wife’s pregnancy, a man should consider the option that he can go on maternity leave. Traditionally, all knowledge about what happens to the child is transferred to the woman. If a pediatrician comes, he tells mom all the information about how he is feeling, and only trusts dad to bring a spoon for examination. However, it is also important for the father to be aware, he must participate in decision-making and take responsibility.”

According to Roman, a man should forget about the traditional distribution of responsibilities around the house. There is no division into men's and women's affairs.
Men say that while dads who take care of children are a rarity, they have a number of bonuses. At a minimum - touching mothers on playgrounds. One dad remembered how ladies in the children's clinic made way for him and his child, because fathers usually appear in medical institutions much less often than mothers.

The father must participate in decision making and take responsibility
The organizers of the discussion want to take the discussion of the topic of conscious fatherhood to a new level - they plan to hold a festival of dads in Perm. And in the near future, on September 30, this topic will be raised at the We-Fest festival dedicated to family issues.

Why is the law so harsh?

Commissioner for Children's Rights in the Perm Territory Pavel Mikov:

In the last three to four years, the number of complaints from fathers of children has increased significantly. Appeals most often involve disagreement with court decisions that determined the child’s place of residence after the parents’ divorce. On the one hand, the very fact of conversion and the desire of fathers to participate in the lives of their children speak of conscious parenting, and this cannot but rejoice. On the other hand, this also indicates some problems in the practice of Russian legal proceedings.

Most often, the judge makes a decision, traditional for our mentality, regarding the place of residence of the children, leaving them with their mother. According to the fathers, the judges do not take a comprehensive approach to assessing this decision. One of the latest appeals to the Commissioner indicates just this.

The man does not agree with the court's decision, which determined that after the divorce one child will live with his mother, the other with his father. However, as it turned out, the children’s mother actively professes an unconventional religion: and such moments as abandoning traditional medicine, involving the child in religious worship, changing the normal diet cannot but raise doubts about the safety of the child’s physical and spiritual development. The man is now challenging the court's decision.

Boss or friend?

Senior Lecturer at the Department of Developmental Psychology of Perm State National Research University Maxim Zubakin:

Now the perception of the father's role in the family is gradually changing. The ideas are different from those in the time of our parents. In modern society there are still no common ideas about the role of the father.

In my opinion, a fairly small segment of men still have an interest in raising children and improving their quality of life. As a rule, these are educated people with an average income, aged 30 to 45 years. I have not yet observed a widespread demand in society for discussion of this topic.

Men don't always understand what it means to be a father. The problem is that there is a certain conflict between the role of breadwinner and dad. Usually men work a lot, but their children hardly see them at home. It’s not easy to find a balance in order to be fulfilled in your profession and find time for your children.

Mixing both roles - worker and dad - is not a good idea, since they involve completely different behavior. Often a man gets used to behaving in a certain way at an enterprise and transfers the same style of communication to his family, which causes conflicts. If at work everything is very structured for a man, then the family involves much less formalization. Work obliges him to act clearly and unemotionally, while at home he is expected to show more feelings. At work there are rather narrow opportunities for expressing your individual characteristics. The family, rather, is forced to accept the father’s character in all its manifestations. If a man turns his family into a corporation and perceives his wife and children as employees of the enterprise, they resist management and begin to hide something.

Educate yourself, not your children

Dean of the Faculty of Legal and Socio-Pedagogical Education of PGSPU Venera Korobkova:

There are four categories of fathers. The first is absent parents. They either never participated in the child’s life at all, or stopped communicating with him after the divorce. The second is traditional dads. They don't interfere much in their children's lives. They believe that their task is to earn money, and upbringing is the mother’s job. The third category is active dads. They are ready to delve into the educational process and readily communicate with children. The last, and smallest, are authoritarian fathers who regulate all areas of family life. They decide everything themselves, and the mother does not have the right to vote.

The largest category is traditional dads. We usually want them to pay more attention to children, but scolding and forcing is not the answer. Schools make the situation even worse. When do dads usually get called to see the teacher? In cases where the child behaves completely badly. For a man, a child is a reason for pride, and listening to how their son or daughter is scolded, dads feel like failure. Now we propose organizing family clubs in kindergarten groups and school classes to encourage dads to participate in the lives of their children. Men can take part in hikes and meetings in nature, they can barbecue, play football with their children, and watch how other married couples—the parents of their children’s classmates—communicate.

There are much fewer active fathers - in different teams from 6 to 15%. This figure increases every year as a lot of information appears on the Internet.

I will say that it is important not so much how much time the father spends with the child and raises him, but how he behaves in the family: how he treats the child’s mother, how and how much he works. There is an English proverb: “You don’t need to raise children, they will still do what you do.” She's truthful. The father simply shows the child by example how to behave in a variety of situations.

Will protect and teach

Dad on maternity leave Sergei Galiullin:

When I found out that my wife and I were going to have a child, I began to look for a job with more money. But it didn’t work out, so I decided to be with the child. I consider it work, because raising a daughter is the same amount of work.

In our family, the mother works, and I look after the child. Household tasks - washing, ironing, cooking, washing floors - are performed by those who have time. Usually I cook breakfasts, my wife cooks dinners. She most often washes the floors, because at this time I work with my daughter. I walk with her, change diapers, my wife puts her to bed. Since I have been with my daughter since birth, we have good contact. I had to learn how to wash a child, change diapers, and clothes. Now she falls asleep worse with me, she prefers to be put to bed by her mother. But I don't see this as a problem.

I think that men should spend more time with children. A father can give his daughter and son what a mother cannot. Dad is stronger and it is he who will ride the child on his shoulders. It’s easier for dad to be a clown, a fool, at whom children will laugh kindly. But dad will protect you, teach you how to defend yourself, how to get out of conflict situations. In general, it is very important for me to be a father - to be needed, caring. I learned some household things that I couldn’t do before. I even started cooking better.

Traditional ideas about roles in the family are losing relevance. But stereotypes are very difficult to change. It seems to me that the more dads actively spend time with their children, the faster the point of view in society will change. I often see men with strollers on walks and in shops. First, dads will learn to simply be with their children, and then raise them at the proper level.

Share and educate

Mother of many children Nina Shirinkina:

In our family, my husband went on maternity leave to care for our youngest daughter. We compared salary levels and found out that it would be more profitable. I will say right away that not all our acquaintances and even close people understood us. Nevertheless, I believe that it turned out to be the right decision. We immediately clearly divided responsibilities so that both parents would take care of the baby and she would get equal attention from both dad and mom. I got up to see my daughter at night, my husband was with her morning and afternoon. In the evening I always came home from work on time to feed her, wash her and put her to sleep. The division of responsibilities in education remains with us even now. My husband is raising his sons, and I do not interfere in the process. My task is to raise girls. The husband takes all the children to the sections and plans a summer vacation. We resolve all issues of upbringing together and never interfere with the children - we make comments and give advice to each other only in private. I believe that husband and wife should be one team.

When a man spends so much time with a child, they develop a very close relationship, he begins to understand the baby as well as the mother. This is exactly the kind of communication my husband has with his daughter. But with his son, whom he did not deal with so much, there is no longer such close contact. We noticed another interesting detail and found confirmation of this in the literature - a child’s speech develops better when dad communicates with him a lot. Men have a low voice timbre, which has a positive effect on the development of the speech center in children. My daughter is now three years old, and she can already construct long sentences.

And one more thing: when a man actively participates in raising a child, his wife looks young and happy.

"Papal" rights:

For education

Caring for children and raising them is an equal right and responsibility of mothers and fathers (Article 38 of the Constitution of the Russian Federation).
If the parents live separately, the child has the right to communicate with each of them (Clause 1, Article 55 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation).

A parent living separately has the right to participate in raising children. The one with whom the children live does not have the right to interfere with this communication if it does not cause harm to the physical and mental health of the child and his moral development (Clause 1 of Article 66 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation).

For parental leave

The father, like other close relatives, has the right to go on parental leave (Article 256 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation).
At the request of the employee, the employer must provide the man with a break from work. The manager has no right to refuse. Men who are on maternity leave receive benefits. Until the child reaches the age of one and a half years, the employer pays it. The amount is 40% of average earnings.

For maternity capital

A man has the right to receive maternity capital if he is the only adoptive parent for a second child, which is confirmed by a court decision no earlier than January 1, 2007. Also, if the children’s mother died, she was deprived of parental rights, or she committed a crime that threatens life and health her children.