The excellent student complex is a fairly common occurrence. Many people live with it all their lives and do not try to get rid of it. Others are looking for ways so that the excellent student complex does not have such a strong impact on the performance of everyday activities and work.

Many people are familiar with the excellent student complex. Often it interferes with life. Therefore, some are looking for ways to minimize its influence or get rid of it altogether. There are some proven methods for this.

The excellent student complex is a psychological and physiological state that encourages you to do everything in your life perfectly and better than everyone else. On the one hand, such a complex is positive, since it allows you to keep everything under control, on the other hand, it causes a lot of inconvenience, because a person cannot afford to make mistakes and live in pleasure, without any stress.

The roots go back to childhood...

Quite a lot of people are interested in the question: where does the excellent student complex come from? Surprisingly, it begins in childhood. And in most cases, because of parents who placed too many hopes and responsibilities on their child. He, in turn, tried not to let his mother and father down.

As a result, parents themselves, without suspecting it, raise their child to be a person with unnatural responsibility, who is ready to take upon himself all matters and problems in order to resolve them without fail in a positive way. This behavior often causes inconvenience. By the way, it can lead to serious stress. As a result, you will then have to visit psychologists and take medications, which is good.

How to live with an excellent student complex?

Those people who realize that they have an excellent student complex begin to consciously look for methods that will help minimize its impact on life or get rid of it altogether. And it should be noted that such people exist. They are listed below.

Firstly, you need to realize that a person who has an excellent student complex will be loved by loved ones and relatives even if he does not do everything perfectly. They will accept both his victories and his failures. Don't be afraid to show your weaknesses to your loved ones. After all, such a quality in a person is completely normal. You shouldn’t pretend to be a superhero who can do anything. You need to accept yourself as an ordinary person who has the right to make mistakes.

Secondly, you need to arrange a vacation without company. You need to force yourself to go there without your loved ones. It is advisable not to take a cell phone with you. Since he will encourage you to call your family and give them instructions, as well as check that everything in the household is under control.

It is important to realize that even if a perfectionist leaves for several weeks, then during his absence a tragedy will not occur for loved ones and relatives, and chaos will not ensue in their lives. They will deal with their problems themselves. Therefore, you should pack your suitcase, leave your cell phone at home and go on a pleasant trip without worrying about others. It is important to try to disconnect from all your problems and worries at this time.

Thirdly, it is necessary to find motivation in order to, at least in some moments, prevent the manifestation of an excellent student complex. You should think about what a person will remember in 10-15 years if he does nothing else besides an ideal daily routine and excellent performance of his work?

But what about romantic dinners by candlelight, organized for your soulmate in an unusual place, spontaneous crazy actions, dancing until you drop - where will all this be? After all, years later people remember precisely such atypical moments. Therefore, you don’t need to control your life so carefully and carry out everything according to a template. You need to start acting with a bit of madness, otherwise existence will turn into real boredom, and here it’s not far from prolonged depression.

Fourthly, it is important not to reproach yourself for mistakes made. If you couldn’t manage or complete something, you need to smile and then try to forget about it as quickly as possible. Don't give too much importance to your mistakes. Their person does too much in his life. At the same time, it is mistakes that help us become better and make our experience more fulfilling.

Moreover, it is recommended to start doing them on purpose. This is how it will be seen that they are not something terrible and do not lead to the end of the world. They are just a part of a person’s life, so you shouldn’t take them seriously, much less avoid committing them.

Fifthly, a cheerful disposition and good mood are a tool that helps to outshine the excellent student complex. This means that you should live your life not officially and seriously, but a little jokingly. In this state, things will turn out no worse, and the person will be able to significantly improve his psychological state. Therefore, it is worth trying to enter into it and soon feel positive changes.

To make it easier to live with the excellent student complex, many psychologists recommend conducting special auto-training using affirmations. You should resort to them at any free time. To carry them out, you need to use, for example, the following phrases:

• My excellent student complex manifests itself in life less and less often.
• The excellent student complex is a thing of the past for me.
• My life has become happy and cheerful, since the excellent student complex no longer bothers me.

You can leave other affirmations at your discretion. The main thing is that they resonate in the soul. Then the effect from them will be phenomenal. At the same time, it is absolutely not necessary to specifically set aside time in order to repeat such phrases. You can scroll through them in your head while traveling in public transport, cleaning and ironing clothes, while walking, and so on.

Although many may think that using affirmations cannot give the desired result, this is actually not the case. The effect of auto-training with their use has already been proven by many psychologists. That is why it is so important to use them for all those who want to get rid of or minimize the influence of the excellent student complex. At the same time, it is also important to believe in their effectiveness, then the results will be even better. And this is precisely what is necessary in this delicate and difficult matter.

So, the excellent student complex is not very good, therefore, it is important to get rid of it or try to reduce its influence on your life. Proven techniques and auto-training will help with this.

Excellent student complex.

One very wise man said: “Only fools and excellent students are excellent, and most often in one person.”

The problems of a modern school are seen differently by parents, teachers, sanitary and epidemiological stations, education officials, students... For example, I see this.

The girl answers at the board, solves the problem. Her hands are shaking, the chalk in her fingers is crumbling, she turns red and white, her forehead is sweaty, her face has become pitiful. Her voice is interrupted and unnaturally rattling. She is afraid of making mistakes. I solved the problem correctly.

Having learned his assessment, he sighs with relief...

The boy is sitting lounging, he is all hung with crosses, skulls, chains and who knows what else. He was transferred to home schooling, and this turned out to be a salvation for him. He doesn’t remember formulas, doesn’t show any desire to learn, and it takes a lot of effort for the teacher to discover that he has at least some knowledge of physics.

He is not afraid to make a mistake, but, having learned his assessment, he also breathes a sigh of relief...
She graduated from school with a medal and entered a prestigious university.

After 9th grade, he went to work as a mechanic.

The big question is which of them will understand physics better in “adult” life. But these students have something in common: they studied not for knowledge, but for grades.

What was being studied did not concern either her or him. If a child is interested in what he is studying, if he is inquisitive and passionate about learning, then the grade, by and large, is not so important to him. It is only a pointer: is the process of cognition proceeding correctly? For him, knowledge has value in itself; he does not need any additional incentives to study. Happy are those parents and teachers whose children learn in this way. Unfortunately, there are fewer such students than we would like. Most are looking for an incentive to study.
Incentives can be very different. Some study because without an education document they cannot take the place in life that they (or their parents) have planned for themselves. Others go to school because... They were ordered by their parents, so as not to upset them, good children study obediently. Some people like to get good grades, they collect them, and are very upset when a C suddenly appears in a diary with only A’s for the week...

It should be recognized that students who strive for grades, i.e. for the sake of momentary recognition of their success, much more than those who are interested in knowledge in itself.

This may be controversial, but in my opinion, assessment as a goal of study is a false incentive. A person does not care that a huge world, diverse in its manifestations, can be known. He is not surprised that all bodies fall down, that from one substance you can get another, that you can talk to a friend who is a hundred kilometers away, he is not pleased with the beauty and laconicism of the mathematical formula. He is not amazed by the depth of feelings of Natasha Rostova and the integrity of Tatyana Larina’s nature. He only cares about the assessment, i.e. the number that the teacher will write in the journal next to his last name. Such a student will most likely grow into a limited person, knowing almost nothing and having almost no interest in anything other than what he does professionally.
There are several reasons for this attitude towards assessment. Firstly, “economic”. In the eyes of students, grades are a kind of currency in which they receive their “piecework wages” for their studies. The fact that our education is free is turned on its head, and students would have to pay for what they are taught. But it is impossible to deny that studying is hard work; such a point of view will certainly arise if parents do not fight it with special educational measures. And the parents are former students themselves and think the same way. The second reason is “laconic”. Teachers, together with parents, also contribute to the fact that the grade is more important than what it was given for. The parent looked into the school for 5 minutes (he was in a hurry, he had to go to work): “How is mine?” Teacher (he is also in a hurry, the break is ending, and he needs to prepare a laboratory): “A C” - “But won’t he get a B by the end of the quarter?” - “He’ll pull it out if he tries.” So we talked. It’s good that at least this way, some parents don’t come to school for years. But you need to choose a time, sit down calmly, look at the student’s work, analyze them, understand where exactly his gaps are, what formulas he hasn’t learned, what topics he hasn’t mastered, what additional books are worth reading in order to interest him. This happens, unfortunately, much less often. It is easier to find out the grade than to delve into the complexities of the topic the child is studying. Another problem with school grades is psychological and social. Children are very worried about bad grades, because... obtaining them is fraught with trouble. In modern schools there is a three-point grading system: “5”, “4” and “3”. Since twos and ones are not given in graduation documents, it should be recognized that “2” is not a grade, but a kind of scarecrow with which a teacher punishes a careless student. Either study well, or I’ll give you a “2” for the second year. Conclusion: we get a child with an “excellent student” complex...

Seeing your child in the ranks of excellent students is the cherished dream of many parents. Raising toasts at the birthdays of their beloved children, they wish the same thing. Health, of course, obedience and excellent studies. If with the first everything seems clear, then with everything else many difficulties arise. Is the life of excellent students and their parents so cloudless? Anna F. former medalist. She graduated from a prestigious university with honors. Teachers and relatives predicted a dizzying career and a bright future for her. But nothing of the kind happened. She was unable to work in her specialty. Personal life did not work out. Few people were suitable for the role of life partner of such a “brilliant” person. The bar for selecting candidates was too high. The habit of studying helped. The woman mastered a foreign language, but failed to put her knowledge into practice. She does tutoring, gets some money, and feels only the emptiness ahead and around her. Unfortunately, Anna's case is far from typical. A child who does not attract the attention of adults with bad grades and bad company gives the impression of being quite well off.
So who are they, excellent students? Should you be happy that your child is an excellent student?
It is not uncommon for an “excellent student” to be an alarm signal that goes unnoticed by external well-being. Parents of such children may face a number of serious problems.
1. "Escape to the top fives." Representatives of this type of excellent students often receive the nickname “nerd.” The child does not know how to build relationships with his peers. It turns out that his mechanism of social adaptation has not been formed. Excellent marks for him are his defense. His grades set him apart from his peers. The child creates a working legend for himself. “I'm smart. - he says to himself, - They are fools. Everyone envy me. That's why I'm alone." The problem is aggravated by the fact that the parents of such a child themselves believe in this explanation, moreover, they instill it in him. Such a person develops a negative attitude towards the entire outside world. And this negativity can manifest itself in two forms. In one case, the child creates his own world from abstract knowledge. For him, acquiring knowledge becomes an end in itself, and he has no intention of applying it anywhere. He uses them to build a wall, separating him from those around him.

In another case, the role of this very wall is played by the assessments themselves.

2. “Evaluative neurosis” In this case, a person becomes dependent on the assessments he receives. And not only school ones. A feeling of temporary comfort occurs only when it is assessed positively by others. He needs constant confirmation of his own worth and usefulness from the outside. The cause of this “neurosis” can be either low self-esteem, an inferiority complex, or the method of upbringing in the parental family. Most often this is the so-called “carrot and stick” method. When positive emotions are associated exclusively with positive assessments of the child’s actions, and rejection of him as an individual.
3. "Showcase". This version of the “excellent student” is close to “evaluative neurosis.” The difference is that the child comes to this option on his own. For him, this is an easy way to establish himself among others. They have no conflict with their peers - they let them write off tests. They are in good standing with teachers. Actively participate in the social life of the school. And everything seems to be fine with them. Although this is far from true. They are too attached to external situational circumstances. Their internal potential is not high. If such a person finds himself in a situation where he cannot prove himself as an “excellent student,” he experiences extreme stress. It is clear that he seeks to avoid such a shock, and with it a stressful situation. And stress for him will be any change in his usual lifestyle, actions, activities, environment. Such a person gets “stuck” in the familiar, does not adapt well to the new, and avoids any development and change.

4. “Family Achiever.” He constantly bears the “cross” of his distinguished family. He is surrounded by famous grandparents, brilliant mom and dad, and promising brothers and sisters. At the school and university where he studies, everyone remembers the merits of his brilliant relatives. Neither personality, nor interests, nor individuality are taken into account. He is always “secondary” in relation to his family members. His task is not to achieve something, but not to “disgrace”. All this results either in apathy or in a rebellion against “family values.”

By the way, it is precisely this category of “excellent students” who most often become regulars at drug treatment clinics.
5. "Temporary excellent student." Smart kids fall into this category. Everything is just wonderful for them: loving, caring parents, lots of friends, studying is easy for them, teachers simply adore them, they are the life of the party. Everything is joyful and cloudless. But a person quickly gets used to good things. And soon it begins to seem to them that this is how it should be. That they are the chosen ones and darlings of fate. And when the time comes to move on to a new step in life, they simply find themselves unable to take the next step. They felt so good and comfortable before that there is no need to change anything.
From a psychological point of view, this problem looks something like this: “The concept of an excellent student from a psychological perspective can be considered from two positions: from the position of the group perceiving the excellent student, and from the position of the excellent student himself, perceiving himself, his status and the group. Excellent students are those who are different from others - people whose behavior and way of thinking is different from others. An excellent student often begins to behave warily towards his classmates, not trusting them, which further deepens the crack in the relationship, if it already exists. Thus, the antagonism between the class and the excellent student, as a rule, is due to stereotypes underlying prejudices, which are a by-product of our thinking - a way of simplifying the world around us.Such children become excellent students because “the mother wants it that way” (or some other significant adult with the psychological function of the Parent). These parents (more often, of course, mothers, because “it is customary for a woman to take care of a child”) adhere to the following “logic”: “I want to be noticed, and if I have nothing else to stand out, I will stand out as a mother, which for a woman with a child the most acceptable.

And the best way I can stand out as a mother is if my child becomes an excellent student.”
Mom thinks that she (namely her, not her child) will be praised at all meetings and held up as an example to all other parents - somehow forgetting that it is the child who is learning, not the mother! But in our country it is somehow accepted that this is, they say, the merit primarily of the parents (although this is not always the case), and if a child studies poorly, the parents are “bad,” and if it is good, and even more so excellent, then the parents are “well done.” ", and first of all, of course, mom. Therefore, from early school age, the child is given the following condition: “Mom will love you only if you study well.” And as a result, any “less than excellent” grade (even a good one, not to mention a lower one) is extremely stressful for such a child.

Thus, we can talk specifically about the “excellent student complex” or the “excellent student syndrome” in the case when the desire for excellent grades somehow interferes with a person’s life. Strictly speaking, a person with an “excellence student complex” lives not for himself, but for his evaluator, who seems to have to (or at least promises) to give him the coveted “A”.

If we talk about studying, then sometimes such excellent students, who are exactly among “mother’s joys,” adapt to school precisely through excellent studies: for all their “doubtfulness,” they do not need to come up with any other pre-prepared modes of behavior, they are not yet everything is clear: get A's everywhere - and you will please your parents and teachers. Here I must certainly add that such individuals must also have: in this case, they become dependent precisely on praise, on stroking, on approval. In general, we can say that without pronounced hysteria, a psychasthenic will not have an excellent student complex. So, when such an excellent student, for whom his A’s are a pre-prepared mode of life (“how to do so without being scolded”), graduates from the walls of an educational institution with the same diploma, there is essentially no one else to give him grades. More precisely, not so: in fact, he no longer has FAVORABLE appraisers who are themselves interested in giving him an “excellent” rating.

Generally speaking, the main problem of the excellent student complex is that people with such a complex “CANNOT FALL.” Once at a ski resort, an instructor gathered a group of beginners for their first lesson and said: “Today you and I will learn... to fall.” And to their disappointed exclamations he replied that those who do not know how to fall cannot enter the track. Because as soon as he falls (and he falls naturally, because there is no experience), his fall may be the last. And if you learn to fall in advance, then when you fall, then you will get up without unnecessary damage, shake yourself off and move on. This is roughly the problem of “inability to fall in grades” that “complex excellent students” face: they cannot get twos, threes, or fours in any area of ​​life.

Any grade “not an A” is regarded as a failure, a defeat. Moreover, the higher the hysteria of such a person, the more violent and pronounced this “excellent assessment” should be: quiet praise may not be noticed.

That is, a person with this complex is often sure that he “receives nothing but slaps on the head from fate.” And a “slap on the head” for him is any “not an A.” Of course, ordinary school A's are not always a sign of an excellent student complex - as stated at the very beginning of this material. After all, if these fives are obtained within the framework of some kind of own logic and for the sake of some personal real benefit, that’s one thing. If they come out casually, there’s no problem either. But if A's become an end in themselves, and everything that is not an A' becomes a tragedy - then it's more complicated. After all, there is also the problem of the “complex excellent student” both in school and in life - sometimes in areas affected by this complex, logic does not work, it simply does not connect: his dependence on excellent grades is emotional, that is, it is again in the area of ​​the unconscious.

Yes, he can memorize several rules of logic “for life” if some external evaluator specifically requires this, but most likely he will not be able to consciously APPLY them for himself. And even if he can, they will never be decisive: the first and main system of being will be dependence on assessments.
However, an excellent student complex is not a life sentence, as, unfortunately, many people often think. And even if it was formed as a result of some influences from parents who solved their own problems and tasks in this way, it is also not fatal. Yes, childhood experiences and impressions are of great importance in shaping the mode of life, but in no way determining. And parental mistakes in upbringing, if you think so. that they took place is also not a reason to forever dwell on the “consequences of these mistakes.”

How to get rid of the excellent student complex?

1. Our capabilities cannot always be the same in everything . And this is absolutely normal and has no cause for alarm. We may have more or less tendencies. We may have different levels of knowledge in different areas. We may end up being sick or upset. Doing something beyond one's strength makes a person exhausted. , which calls into question the achievement of further successes. But doing something less than your capabilities, you also run the risk of remaining unsatisfied. There is a recommendation to replace the installation “I have to do this” to a more gentle one – “I can do this.”

2. N happy, unsuccessful moments as an integral part of our life can become very useful for us. Use these periods for analysis situations, actions, as well as to reassess some individual life needs. You shouldn’t be afraid of them, but it’s important to go through them to your advantage.

3. Among the recommendations there is also a method of asking tough questions to address your anxiety about “not being perfect” . When this fear arises, ask yourself a question, for example, “to what extent? best result equal to your costs”, “how much will it change your life for something better”, “is your perfection even capable of making someone love you”, “what will happen if you don’t do it perfectly”, etc.

4. Impeccability means constant control over yourself and the world around you . Psychologists recommend thinking about how real is this perhaps, to the extent that others need this control.

5. Try reconsider the real need to evaluate others, as well as intolerance to shortcomings . Accept at least some of your flaws as endearing features of your personality.

6. Restore the right attitude towards assessment within yourself. their actions, not their personality as a whole.

7. Let the desire to get rid of the “excellent student” complex be your last task in the “exam” for perfection.

Modern societyoften dictates to us how to behave, what to wear, what places to visit, and sometimes even what to think. The media broadcast pictures of successful, happy, cheerful people every day. One gets the impression that they never have failures, bad moods, or troubles at work or at home. And even when they catch a cold, some “miracle medicine” instantly gets them back on their feet, and in a matter of hours they are ready to conquer new heights on the path to their career.

I will not be a pioneer if I say that our society is focused on social approval. Majority people are trying to demonstrate their ideality and perfectionism. Young people often "like-addicted", this became especially noticeable with the popularization of various social networks. Approval from other people, the desire to show oneself from the best side, the number of likes collected, various emoticons, memes, etc., replaces simple human communication, and sometimes begins to influence a person’s self-esteem and his mood in general. This influence has a particularly detrimental effect on the fragile psyche of children and adolescents.

The desire to be first in everything, to do everything perfectly leads to the emergence of the so-called excellent student complex (syndrome). He is often begins in childhood when a child performed a certain action, thereby receiving praise or approval from an adult (parent, teacher). Over time, such a child develops a mechanism: “I must be perfect and always first in everything in order to be praised (loved).” I would like to note that this does not mean that any praise has a bad effect on the child. Undoubtedly, children should be praised and sometimes pampered, but expressions of love and approval should not be tied solely to success in school and the child’s demonstration of behavior approved by adults. Your child needs to be regularly told that you love him and accept him for who he is.. When criticizing or punishing children, it is advisable to specifically indicate what you do not like about their behavior, for example: things scattered around the room, an unwashed plate, a deuce in the diary. But at the same time should not be generalized, and say something like: “You are such a slob (or lazy, klutz).” Because with such a generalization you give a negative assessment not to the specific behavior of the child, but in general you assess his personality as bad, negative.

In an adult, a developed excellent student complex can manifest itself:

1) constant fear of losing the heights already achieved(in career or personal life);

2) painful perception the most insignificant failures, because excellent students always succeed in everything perfectly, even the first time;

3) increased anxiety, which affects well-being (nervous breakdowns, insomnia, sometimes even anorexia);

4) perfectionism, they should have perfect order everywhere, on the desktop, in the kitchen, and even in their heads;

5) increased sensitivity to criticism, “excellent students” react sharply to the slightest comments and are offended if they are not singled out or praised;

6) inflated level of claims, that is, such people set themselves excessively high goals and objectives that are simply beyond their capabilities. At the same time, they are demanding not only of themselves, but also of those around them.

We all understand perfectly well that there are no ideal people. And our goal is, by and large, to accept yourself as you are, with all the shortcomings and advantages. This in no way means that you don’t need to make efforts to develop yourself, cherish your bad habits, and don’t care about your body and soul. The challenge is to learn how to choose goals correctly, set ourselves tasks that we can actually master, for which we have enough resources: physical, financial, time and mental. Parents, for their part, must convey to their children that at school or college the main thing is not the grades and scores themselves, but the knowledge and skills acquired during study.

And remember, as S. Freud said: « The only person you should be with comparing yourself is you in the past". Necessary cultivate independence from other people's judgments, All make decisions independently and are not afraid to take responsibility for them. And whatever you do, whatever you strive for, it is important enjoy not only the achieved result, but also the process of work.

Love and take care of yourself!

Remember the shot from “The Adventures of Shurik”: “To the sand pit - me! Unloading scrap metal - me! “This is approximately how young ladies who have an “excellent student” complex perceive life - work, family, friendship. There is nothing negative in the pursuit of idealism until it develops into perfectionism - a type of neurosis when a person literally bites into some activity ( work, everyday life, raising children), trying to do everything in the most correct way, and thereby tormenting himself and those around him. However, inflated demands are not the only side effect of the “excellent student syndrome.”

Tension

The “excellent student” complex is expressed in the fact that the “excellent student” lady is always overloaded with tasks, strives to manage everything, to control everyone. Trying to think through all the details in advance, she leaves no room for accidents or possible mistakes, but often she simply collapses under the abundance of details. But the worst thing is that, due to constant tension, she very often fails to demonstrate what she is really capable of. The fear of error that accompanies the “excellent student” complex either blocks any desire to do something, or exhausts the “excellent student” to the point of being a squeezed lemon. As a result, the completion of an ordinary project ends with a micro-infarction, the organization of one’s own wedding ends with a nervous breakdown, and the renovation of an apartment ends with a move to a hospital ward.

Maximalism

A person who claims to be ideal should not make mistakes by default, says a perfectionist, and therefore is terrified of slipping up. She checks her every step a hundred times, just to avoid mistakes. Public exposure of a mistake is an auto-da-fé for her. But even if the mistake can be hidden or corrected, deep down the “excellent student” still feels extremely uncomfortable. In addition, a pathological fear of making mistakes does not allow her to act boldly and independently. This is why such women often delay marriage and often refuse serious positions, although they could handle many projects really “excellently.”

Obsession with trifles

Often, to properly assess a problem, you need to see it in its entirety. But perfectionists prefer to look at the elephant in parts. The “excellent student” likes to tinker with the details so much that she doesn’t get around to the whole thing. Of course, details are important. But by focusing too much on them, we risk not seeing the forest for the trees. For example, you can carefully write out the scenario for the upcoming date: rehearse the dialogue, think over the menu, outfit, gait, hints, but... will the young man want to meet again after such a “parade”? The reason is that preoccupation with trifles can deprive a meeting of sincerity, spontaneity and lively communication.

Losing one's self

Photo by Katarzyna Krawiec/Shutterstock.com

The desire for high standards is often accompanied by the desire to find a role model. Repeating other people's jokes - they once caused laughter, which means they will work now - constantly speaking in phrases from movies or cartoons, copying the way they dress, etc. What's wrong with that? Finding herself in an alien image, the “excellent student” runs the risk of not revealing her own individuality. And then, a parody is not always successful - especially if it is blindly used in its entirety. Remember Ellochka the Ogress from “The Twelve Chairs” by Ilf and Petrov, who frantically imitated Vanderbilt’s wife? Perhaps no comments are needed here...

Conflict

The “excellent student” complex is fraught with the fact that most perfectionists are hostile. The general undemandingness towards oneself, carelessness, and down-to-earthness are annoying. You are convinced that every person should have a passionate desire for self-improvement, but life confirms the opposite. Your subordinate entered the debit and credit incorrectly, your friend didn’t comment on your LJ post, your loved one didn’t bring a bouquet - it’s as if they all conspired to finish you off! However, the fact that you poke your nose at hacks and parasites in their mistakes, for some reason they do not become better. But, on the contrary, they get offended and enter into an open and acute conflict. As a result, the relationship is ruined, and the world has not become more perfect... Do you need it?

Time slipping

A characteristic feature of perfectionists is to spend a whole hour on a minute task, and stretch out what can be done in a week over many months. Time, however, is not rubber. That is why careerist ladies who have an “excellent student” complex so often do not have time to get married and have children; perfectionists of the “family type” do not have time to develop at least a little socially.

Self-flagellation

A perfectionist is never satisfied with the result. It always seems to her that she didn’t reach it enough, didn’t jump enough, and she’s punishing herself for it. Yes, of course, sometimes it is useful to criticize yourself, but this criticism should not turn into self-flagellation - otherwise you can become convinced of your own worthlessness and lose internal resources for improvement.

Loss of health

The fact that the “excellent” students’ health suffers is an indisputable fact. Scientists at Stanford University have found that people who place too high demands on themselves and others are more susceptible to emotional and physical disorders than those who have internal flexibility and a broad outlook on life. Research by psychologists has shown that every fifth woman prone to perfectionism suffers from chronic insomnia, frequent headaches, gastrointestinal disorders, chronic fatigue, neuroses, anorexia, bulimia, and obsessions. In addition, rabid perfectionism can transform into anankastic psychopathy, in which the slightest deviation from the accepted order or departure from the accepted rules throws one out of balance.

So, you shouldn’t wait for the time when staying in a room where a picture hangs crookedly becomes unbearable for you, and you will only get to work if you don’t step on a single crack in the asphalt. Contact your doctor as soon as possible. Such conditions are treated by strictly breaking rules and stereotypes.

Your own ambulance

Andresr/Shutterstock.com

Let go of the burden of perfectionism if it has been imposed on you. You are not necessarily born to set world records, look like a top model day and night and earn millions. Most likely, your parents put you on this high-speed ski track. It was they who intensively formed an excellent student complex in you, demanding super results. Childhood is over, and now you have the right to choose your own path and follow it at the speed that suits your liking and strength.

• Don't waste your time. It is much better to stop there than to try to achieve perfection in all possible little details and nuances.
• Don't be afraid to make mistakes. It is better to fall and get up, move forward, than to stagnate. After all, no one has ever managed to show only perfect results. And Napoleon had his Waterloo...
• Develop a healthy attitude towards criticism. Learn from what is fair and constructive, and ignore the rest. You won't get any closer to perfection if you push back on criticism rather than use it as leverage to move forward.
• Lower the bar on your demands on others. Let's tell you a secret: what is not good enough for you is quite normal for others.
• Spend exactly as much time and effort as the situation requires. To do this, just try to master the basics of time management, limiting your time for trivial tinkering.

And most importantly, love yourself, your body, your family and friends. Do not waste time on pleasant surprises for your beloved. Remember, life is short and there are many enjoyable things to do. And the rating “good” is by no means worse than “excellent”...

In our culture, being a perfectionist is a point of pride. "I'm never late". “I do everything perfectly.” "I don't understand how people can be so irresponsible." But behind this pride there is sometimes fatigue, despair and the state of a “hunted horse”.

All life is an exam

The reason for the formation of the “excellent student syndrome” is a special upbringing. Parents demand high achievements from their children - in studies, sports, drawing, music, self-care, caring for younger brothers and sisters. That is, the child is, in essence, deprived of his childhood and his life is turned into one continuous exam, which he must pass with flying colors. Only in this case does the child have the right to parental love. And that means existence.

That's how it works. The child has long grown up and turned into an adult. But he still passes the exam. If this is a woman, then she obliged to be the best and most sought-after specialist, best wife, housewife, best mom. She is obliged, because otherwise she has no right to exist - to the love of her husband and children, to the recognition of colleagues, to career growth, to rest and pleasure.

It would seem that this is wonderful: striving for the ideal, doing everything with an A plus - what’s wrong with that? The problem lies in the fact that perfectionists never achieve the feeling that they really did everything perfectly. They always feel like they could have done better.

And this happens for two reasons: firstly, the bar is too high, and secondly, perfectionists always devalue their achievements. Their catchphrase: “There’s nothing to praise me for - everyone can do that.” While seeking approval from others, they never actually receive approval from themselves.

And then life turns into an eternal race for a feeling of satisfaction from achievements, and this satisfaction never comes. As a result, pleasure from life does not come. After all, the goal was not achieved!

Moreover, perfectionists are constantly haunted by the fear of failure. Because failure for them is a direct confirmation that they do not have the right to life, to the love of others. Because of the fear of failure, such people strive to follow the life scenario that was laid down in them by their parents.

They choose a prestigious profession, often approved by their parents, but uninteresting to themselves. They marry or marry seemingly “decent people” who may later turn out to be tyrants. They spend all their free time doing household chores or raising children. Who should also certainly become excellent students.

How to get rid of the “excellent student syndrome”

Many people believe that the life script laid down in childhood cannot be changed. Everything is possible. If you are interested in this article, then there is a chance that the “excellent student syndrome” is causing you some discomfort. Awareness of the problem is already a big step beyond the boundaries that were set for you by someone.

First, try to analyze how you feel, living your life not in pleasure, but in a constant race to “be better”? How do you benefit from this? And what losses have you already suffered (give up on interests, lack of rest, hobbies, meetings with friends, pleasure, etc.)?

Try to answer honestly the question: do you want to continue in the same spirit? If you are satisfied with what happens to you, that is also normal. There are people for whom the process of constant achievement brings pleasure.

If your answer is “no,” then first try to do something imperfect, but acceptable. So to speak, half-heartedly. Or don’t do something at all, failure to do which will not result in illness or death for you or your family members. For example, don't wash the floor today. Look at the reactions of others. Will they notice this? If they notice, what will they say or do? Maybe you can delegate this responsibility to someone at home - someone who is not satisfied with the unwashed floor?

It is important to feel and understand that “imperfection” is safe for you and does not pose a threat to your existence.

Think about what pleasant things you have been prohibiting yourself from doing lately because “there is no time”, “I have to pay attention to my husband and children”, “there is no money for this”. Allow yourself this little pleasant thing. Remember: if you really allowed something for yourself, you won’t feel guilty later.

Giving yourself permission to do anything is truly a risk. As long as we act only as others expect of us, we shift all responsibility for our lives onto them. Once we choose how to act, we take responsibility for ourselves.

Try to take responsibility for your life. It expands horizons and fills life with colors.

Please rate this material by selecting the desired number of stars

Site reader rating: 4 out of 5(38 ratings)

Noticed a mistake? Select the text with the error and press Ctrl+Enter. Thank you for your help!

Section articles

July 22, 2018 The third module of the “Emotional Intelligence” course – “Interaction Practice” – was more difficult for most group members than all the others. It’s one thing when you diagnose your condition and learn to correct it, and quite another thing when you have contact with others. When we share our feelings with other people, we become closer to each other. Isn't this what we want?..

May 02, 2018 Six months have passed since Zhenya Kryukova and I decided to explore the topic of emotional intelligence. During this time, I managed to attend a two-day intensive course with Vasily Pron, and we both attended the first two modules of the “Emotional Intelligence” course with the Zakharov family coaching couple...

February 17, 2018 I immediately and very much wanted to take part in Inna Zakharova’s training “Practice of Conscious Living of Emotions”. Firstly, the topic is now popular and useful. And secondly, after the game “Mirror” I wanted to again fall under the supportive, gentle guidance of Inna, on the one hand, and provocative questions about myself from Evgeny, on the other...

January 17, 2018 The editors of the portal site decided to find out why the study and application of emotional intelligence is becoming so important in human survival and development, and EQ training is gaining more and more popularity. We decided to talk with experienced Belarusian trainers and teachers, undergo training in different companies, compare approaches and highlight the most useful in each of the trainings, and also evaluate the aftertaste immediately after each training and a few weeks after its completion...