How can I find the strength to let go of my child? My daughter has grown up and is leaving to study, but my soul is torn to pieces. How to send your child to study at a university in another city How did you decide?

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It is not for nothing that the parental home is called a family nest - after all, people live in a family like in a nest. At some point, children leave the nest because that is the way of life. Parents face a lack of family, friends and love as their children fly off to build their own nests. Many people, especially those who are more dedicated to their families, feel empty and sad, which can easily lead to depression. In this article we'll talk about how to let children know that their home will always be waiting for them, and about how to help parents survive separation.

Steps

Prepare for a breakup. If you know your children will be moving away within a year, use this time to teach them everything they will need in everyday life. Check if they know how to wash clothes, cook food, argue with neighbors, keep track of finances, make profitable purchases and know the value of money. Although many things come with experience, it is important to discuss all these nuances with children so that they do not become helpless. Sites like wikiHow can help them learn basic household chores and gain the skills they need to live independently.

• If you don't know when your children will leave, don't panic. Accept the fact that this will happen anyway, be happy for them, offer your help and support. It is better for children to see that you love them and are always ready to help, rather than noticing constant anxiety and irritation in you.

1. Let go of all frightening thoughts. Both you and your children should treat this as an adventure. Your children may experience a range of emotions, from fear to excitement at new experiences. If a child is afraid to leave, it is important to convince him that the unknown is always worse than what will actually happen. Explain to him that once he gets used to the new lifestyle, he will be able to enjoy it.

   • Tell your children that they will always be welcome at home whenever they want to come back. This will give both you and your children a feeling of security and unity.
   • If children do not tolerate their first absence from home well, you should not secretly rejoice at it. They will learn to cope with their emotions as they get used to the new way of life, and in this they need your active support, and not a secret desire to return the children home. Therefore, you should not constantly ask them to come back or do all the things for them - they should learn everything on their own, including everyday issues and all negotiations. They will make mistakes, but it is from mistakes that they learn best.

2. Think about how you are going to keep in touch with your children. You will feel empty and lonely when the children leave because you will no longer be able to say to them what you usually say. Therefore, it is important to maintain communication at a distance - this will allow you to maintain a sense of closeness with your family and regularly exchange news. You should do the following:

   Learn what empty nest syndrome is to recognize the symptoms. The empty nest symptom is a psychological problem that primarily affects women and manifests itself in feelings of deep sadness due to children leaving the parental home. This most often occurs when children move to another city or country to study (usually in late winter or fall) or when they get married and start living with their spouse. This syndrome often coincides with other significant events in a woman’s life (menopause, illness, retirement). This problem primarily affects women, since motherhood is considered the main role of working mothers and those mothers who only take care of the home. Women have considered this role their primary task for approximately 20 years. The child may feel abandoned, lost, unworthy of love. He may also be worried about uncertainty about the future. It is completely normal for mothers to feel sad and cry from time to time, as this is a healthy reaction that any parent can relate to. After all, big changes await the child. However, these feelings become a problem when they begin to prevent a woman from living her usual life, forcing her to refuse to communicate with friends and abandon activities that previously brought pleasure. Women often feel that their life no longer has meaning, which is why they cry constantly.

3. Accept help. If you are having a hard time coping with deep feelings of sadness, if you can't bring yourself to return to your normal life after your children leave, it is important to turn to someone for help. You may develop depression or another psychological disorder that interferes with your ability to enjoy life. Make an appointment with a psychotherapist. Cognitive therapy and other similar therapies that allow you to talk things out can help. Perhaps you just need someone to listen to you and tell you that what is happening is real, important and will pass with time.

   • Acknowledge your sadness. It doesn't matter what other people think or say about your condition. Unacknowledged sadness will weigh on you until you have the courage to face it. Allow yourself to be sad.
   • Treat yourself. It will be very difficult for you for a while, and at these moments it is important not to forget about yourself. Sign up for a massage course, go to the cinema, buy your favorite chocolate. If you don't have happy moments in your life, you will never be able to get out of sadness.
   • Try a special ritual. Imagine that with this ritual you are releasing your son or daughter into adulthood, and it will help you come to terms with the fact that you will no longer play such an important role in the child’s life. You can plant a tree, send a small lantern with a burning candle floating down the river, or hold a ceremony related to your faith.
   • Talk to your spouse about your feelings. Chances are he or she feels the same way you do, so don't miss the opportunity to discuss it. Or perhaps he or she just wants to listen to you, and this will be of significant help to you.
   • Consider keeping a journal to record all your feelings. Prayer and meditation may also be helpful.

4. Remember your needs. When you are able to send your children into adulthood, you will notice how your life will become calmer and more measured. What matters is how you perceive these changes: if you treat it like an abyss that has opened up under your feet, you will feel much more unhappy than if you decide that now is the time for you to return to your old hobbies and activities .

   • You shouldn’t make a shrine out of your child’s room. If he didn't clean up the mess before leaving, do it yourself. Throw out the trash, get rid of the rubble, but be careful - you may accidentally throw away something that is important to your child.
   • Write down all the things you've ever wanted to do. The time has come for your wishes to come true. Pin the list in a visible place and start working on it.
   • Make new acquaintances or reconnect with old ones. Friends can help you move from being a busy parent to being a stay-at-home parent with no kids. Try to go out and meet people. There is a high probability that somewhere there are parents with empty nest syndrome who, like you, are looking for new friends. Friends can always recommend exciting activities and books to you, show you an interesting vacancy, etc.
   • Do something new. You can return to old hobbies that you abandoned while raising children. Any activity will do, from painting and photography to parachuting and travel.
   • Go to university or take a course. Choose a course that suits your interests at this stage of life. You can choose a completely new path for you, or you can improve your existing qualifications. Both options are good.
   • Get involved in your career. If you haven't worked for a while, go back to your old job or find a completely new one. Don't think you're too old for anything - you have experience and that's your advantage, so as long as you brush up on your knowledge and take refresher courses, you can give any young graduate a head start.
   • Try volunteering. If you're not ready to go back to work, you can start by volunteering. This will help you understand what you like and don't like to do.
   • Take part in charity. You will receive great moral satisfaction if you can find such useful use for your free time.

5. Think about the role of your spouse in your life. Unless you are a single parent, you will be left alone with your husband or wife, and this can be difficult because some couples in such situations realize that all this time it was the children who united the whole family and kept you together. Or perhaps you've been a parent first and foremost for so long that you've forgotten how to be a romantic partner. The time has come to talk frankly about everything and decide how your relationship will develop further.

   • If you were only united by children, you will need to work on your relationship to resolve those problems that you have been avoiding for many years. Talk to family psychologist, if you feel it will help you become closer to your husband or wife.
   • Accept that this is a difficult time. This will give you the opportunity to forgive each other minor mistakes in life together without children, which you will have to start over again.
   • Remember that your partner has changed over the years. You've both gotten older, you've been through a lot over the years. It's quite possible that you've faced challenges that you didn't even think about when you first met and fell in love. Over time, people begin to understand more clearly what they like and what they don’t like, what they believe in and what they don’t. Now you can understand your partner's preferences much better than in your youth. See this as an opportunity to rediscover your husband or wife. This will allow you to breathe life into your relationship.
   • Spend more time with your partner and try to get to know him again. Go on a trip together and use the trip to reinvigorate a sense of intimacy and mutual trust.
   • Give the relationship time. This period can be exciting for both of you.
   • However, sometimes no action will help mend the relationship between people who have become strangers to each other. If you feel that nothing will help you restore your connection, discuss it among yourself or seek help from a psychotherapist. This will allow you to make a decision that will help you both look forward to the future.

6. Focus on the positive aspects of the kids moving away. This will make it easier for you to cope with the feeling of loss - because you will know what you have gained. And while this does not diminish the importance of your sadness and the changes that await your children, it will help you see the positives of your new life. The positive aspects include the following:

   • You will have to buy groceries much less often. This means that you will no longer need to go to the store and cook so often.
   • Your relationship with your husband or wife may improve. Now you have the opportunity to spend more time together - use it.
   • If you washed and ironed your children's clothes, now you will do it much less often. You shouldn’t do all this again instead of the children when they return to your home for the holidays or just to visit. You need to let them know that they are adults now, and adults are capable of looking after themselves.
   • Now you don't have to argue about who will take the bathroom first in the morning.
   • You will start saving money by reducing your water consumption, electricity consumption and the number of telephone calls. And the money saved can be put aside for travel!
   • You can be proud that you have raised children who are able to not only survive, but thrive in the adult world themselves. Praise yourself.

Every mother worries about her child. Maternal instinct exists to protect the offspring from harm. Some people cope with anxiety better, some worse, but the instinct is inherent in everyone.

Every day we worry: how our baby slept, how he ate, why he was crying. He will grow up, and we will think about school, friends, grievances. The child is connected to us on an energetic level; we worry about him every minute.

But the child grows up. He is a teenager. It's time to think about the future.
Where to study? What to prepare for?

We are concerned with the question of whether we should leave him at his old school or transfer him to a more prestigious one, so that he can then enter a university with a high rating. Which tutors should you hire to improve your subjects? How to control so that you don’t play all the time computer games, but did you work?

There are many advertisements on the Internet about foreign schools. Friends' children study in England or Switzerland. If the budget allows, we prepare the child to study abroad. We also want quality education for him, more choice and opportunities. We want to be proud of our son or daughter.

The process has started. The country of study has been selected, the list of schools has been filtered, exams have been passed, and the interview has been completed. The child is ready to study in one of the prestigious schools in England, Switzerland or another country.

The hassle of getting ready is over. Not sure what to put in your suitcase? Yes, this doesn’t matter anymore, since the car cannot be stopped, and the hour of parting with your beloved child is near. If we haven’t gone to a psychologist, then no one will prepare us for separation from our beloved son or daughter.

The worst thing is coming. This moment was unexpected for me. Intellectually, I understood everything and was preparing for the moment of separation. But I couldn’t imagine that it would be so hard.

A wave of emotions came over me, it was difficult for me to cope with them. I was devastated. Here he is walking across the border at the airport and will not return for the next 3 months. The house is empty, no one plays on the computer, no one throws things around.
Questions flashed through my head at the speed of a fighter plane:

How will you get used to it?
What about security?
How will teachers be received at school?
Will there be friends?
Will I be able to understand English in class?
What if he gets sick?

Every mother has her own list of questions and fears.
My anxiety level was off the charts. At home and at work, everything was not going well, nervousness accompanied me in everything.

What to do? How to reduce anxiety and relax?

1. Don't lose touch with your child. For the first year (my son was 13), we had nightly contact with him by phone or facetime. It was difficult for him. We supported him, gave him advice, and promised to contact the school staff to solve the urgent problem. We just talked, praising him for sports and any achievements. They said that we loved. The first year we often flew to him on weekends.
2. Write, call and personally meet all the headmasters, assistants and housekeepers at the school and dormitory where the child will live. Personal contacts are extremely important. The British, for example, are very disciplined and respond quickly to e-mail or call. For example, when our son fell ill, the headmaster of the House (dormitory) regularly kept us informed about the measures taken.
3. Make sure that there is a local contact in the country where the child is studying. This could be a friend, acquaintance, simply a responsible person whom you trust and where your son or daughter can go for the weekend (in England, for example, there are a number of weekends when the child must be picked up from school). We have Russian friends in London who took our son with them when we could not fly. He was grateful that he could change the environment and communicate in Russian.
4. Don't close the door to Russia. This advice may not apply to everyone. Our son studies in a Russian school at the same time as a British one. We have entered into an agreement on part-time and part-time education. My son is sent homework assignments for his subjects. During the English school holidays, he attended school in Russia, took tests and tests. At first the workload was heavy, but now he says he has gotten into it. The more tasks, the more he succeeds.
   If your fear gets the better of you, you can always return and continue your education in Russia.
5. Discuss the possibility of temporary distance learning (for example, one year). If your child is a diligent student and in good standing, discuss distance learning. Our son studied in England for the first year, in Russia for the second, and again in England for the third year.
   For me personally, it helped ease the tension I had been under since my son left.

During his studies, my son learned well English language, became independent in everyday life and school. He developed a responsible attitude towards his actions. He learned to make decisions at his own level and was proud that he could do something himself. Learned to adapt to an unfamiliar environment. Enjoys communicating with his classmates and friends at school. He has an open world of possibilities. There is a choice of where to get higher education: in Russia or in any other country.

I am calm for his safety. The son is under supervision 24 hours. All actions of the school are coordinated with parents.

We will worry, there is no hiding from anxiety. But if the decision is made and the child goes to study abroad, let him and the situation go. It will be difficult, but I know for sure that you will succeed, just as I did.

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American psychologist and etiquette expert Diane Gottesman gave several practical advice that will help parents cope with their child’s departure to another city for education

As the expert says, the time when it’s time for a child to leave home and go to study in another city is difficult not only for the newly-minted student, but also for his parents, writes Huffington Post. To be calm about the health, nutrition and everyday life of your son or daughter, Diane Gottesman offers several recommendations:

1. Create a communication plan

The expert recommends drawing up a communication plan that states how many times a week you will get in touch. It is best if the calls are no more than once a day, gradually reducing to one call every two days.

2. Discuss proper management of finances

If this is the first time your child has to manage their own budget, then you should help them create an initial spending plan. In addition, the expert recommends discussing the issue of student part-time work.

3. Discuss safety

According to Gottesman, it is very important to make sure that the child knows the basic safety rules and is familiar with the procedure for dealing with unexpected situations.

4. Send packages

In order for the child to feel cared for at a distance, the specialist recommends occasionally sending parcels containing sweets, homemade jam, warm socks or any other items that will please the student.

As the psychologist says, constant monitoring of the page by parents fetters the teenager in communicating with peers and creates in him a feeling of complete distrust on the part of mom and dad. Moreover, with such behavior parents do not allow the child to become independent. Diane Gottesman strongly recommends learning to respect your son or daughter's personal space.

6. Don't take things personally

According to the psychologist, many parents are offended by their children and even start scandals if they do not want to come home for the holidays or devote little time to communication. In this case, it is important to understand that the child wants to see new places, communicate more with new acquaintances, and there is nothing wrong with that. Therefore, these facts should not be perceived as a manifestation of dislike on the part of a son or daughter.

7. Do not touch your child’s empty room without his knowledge.

Another common behavior among parents is making changes to their child's room without their knowledge. As the psychologist explains, when parents re-equip the space to suit their needs and deprive their son or daughter of their corner, this is perceived as their unwanted presence in the house. To avoid conflicts, Gottesman advises always discussing any changes in the room with your child.

8. Find a new hobby

To make the child’s departure not seem so painful, the psychologist suggests finding a new hobby. This will help not only fill the free time, but also give you new acquaintances.

9. Don’t burden your child with work when you get home.

According to the expert, it is important for parents to understand that the child’s arrival for the holidays is not a reason to dump all the homework on him. This behavior will only lead to a worsening of the relationship between parents and children. Let students enjoy the weekend and catch up with old friends, says psychologist.

10. Relax

As Gottesman says, every person sooner or later goes through a period when the time comes to leave the parental home and learn to be independent. The psychologist advises to give this opportunity to your children and not to be afraid for them, since failures will only give experience, and in case of problems, children always return home.

Section updated: 12/28/2017

Question 1.
Subject: Conflicts with classmates

Hello, I’m 15 years old and studying in the 9th grade. I want to move to another city after school, but my parents (guardian) are against it, what should I do? Is this even legal?

You can move to another city without a guardian to receive vocational education. The law does not allow moving without legal representatives “just like that.”

Question 2.
Subject: Can I go....

Hello, I would like to ask, we are going with friends to St. Petersburg by car, they are all already 18 and there are even slightly older guys. Is it possible for me to go with them, if not, what needs to be done so that later there will be no problems with law enforcement agencies.

Problems with law enforcement agencies are inevitable. In St. Petersburg, even written consent from your parents for your trip will not help. Moreover, traffic police officers will detain you even before arriving in the city on the Neva. Trips are allowed only with legal representatives or adult relatives, teachers, trainers, and tour organizers.

Question 3.
Subject: Conflicts with classmates

I'm 17, my girlfriend is 15, and she has a bad relationship with her parents, they constantly yell at her, fortunately they don't beat her, can the girl move in with me? My parents are not against it, but how can I do everything according to the law? They couldn’t write a statement against me for kidnapping a child, I just don’t like this attitude towards her, please help

The law will not allow children to leave home without permission and live separately without parental consent. If a girl’s relationship with family members is tense or critical, then she should seek help from the commission for minors’ affairs and protection of their rights.

Question 4.
Subject: Conflicts with classmates

Hello, I am in 10th grade and would like to go to another city alone, but I am under guardianship, and finish 11th grade there. Can I do this? And can I submit documents or not?

This will not work for two reasons: the move requires the consent of the trustee and the guardianship and trusteeship authority; They are accepted into educational institutions of general education only if they have registration at the place of residence or stay (registration).

Question 5.
Subject:

Hello, I’m 15 years old, I’m in 9th grade, after graduation I would like to at least live separately in a dorm, but my father said that he forbids me to live separately (I can study normally while living at home, I survive here as best I can, I live in the city of Nakhodka (Primorsky Krai )). What to do in such a situation? Can I live in a dorm without my father's permission?

The hostel is provided only to non-resident citizens. If you continue your studies at a college in another city, then if the college has a dormitory, you may be given a place there. If there are no hostels or there are not enough of them, then students are forced to rent apartments. If relations with family members are tense or critical, then you should seek help from the commission for minors’ affairs and protection of their rights.

Question 6.
Subject: Family law

Is it possible, with the permission of the guardian, for a child (16 years old) to move to another city to live with relatives?

In addition to the consent of the trustee, the consent of the guardianship and trusteeship authority is required.

Question 7.
Subject: Living separately from parents

Hello. I would like to know whether it is possible to live in another country at the age of 16, without parents and their consent, if so, how?

Absolutely impossible. Even if the parents agree, this will not solve the problem: neither our nor any other country will allow children to cross the border. Living abroad requires funds, knowledge of the language, and the purpose of the trip, which the guest can realize not in words, but in deeds.

Question 8.
Subject: Living separately from parents

I am 16 years old. Can I rent an apartment with the approval of my parents if the documentation of the apartment is assigned to one of the parents? Can I live there with a 16 year old boy with the approval of his parents? Also, can two 16 year olds travel on a high speed train to another city for a few days unaccompanied. If yes, what documents are needed?

With the consent of the parents of both parties, you can live in a rented apartment. You can travel by train without your parents, but it is better to obtain their written consent. Staying in another city without legal representatives is not permitted by law (except for studying at a vocational education institution).

Question 9.
Subject: Living separately from parents

Hello, I have a question for you. My friend and I want to go to Novosibirsk for the New Year holidays. I'm 14, she's 13 years old. And we had questions about accommodation. We wanted to check into a hostel. But we are not sure what its owners can allow us. What do you advise?

They won’t even put a friend on a train without legal representatives (parents, guardian), because She's not even 14 years old. You will not be able to stay in any hostel, hotel, or guest house, even if by some miracle you get to Novosibirsk. Instead of a hostel, you will spend your holidays in a social rehabilitation center.

Question 10.
Subject: Conflicts with classmates

Is it necessary to have a power of attorney from both parents to live alone? Or is just one representative sufficient? What needs to be done to ensure that a minor lives alone and everything is in accordance with the law?

A power of attorney from parents for separate residence will not solve the problem, because up to 18 years of age, a person is considered a minor in accordance with Part 1 of Art. 54 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation. In Part 1 of Art. 56 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation determines that the protection of the rights and legitimate interests of the child is carried out by parents (persons replacing them), and in cases provided for by this Code, by the guardianship and trusteeship authority, the prosecutor and the court. According to Part 1 of Art. 63 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation Parents are responsible for the upbringing and development of their children. They are obliged to take care of health, physical, mental, spiritual and moral development their children. Therefore, parents must be close to the child and fulfill their responsibilities. Parents can allow a child who is 16 years old to live separately (no power of attorney is needed, only the verbal consent of both parents is required), but the law does not relieve them of responsibility.

Question for a psychologist:

I am a mother. I have an 18 year old daughter. She entered a university for 1st year in another city. The girl is smart, an athlete. She had not decided who exactly she would like to be, so the direction was chosen together by the method of elimination: she categorically did not consider something that I did not accept as her future. We entered a prestigious university, where you can’t just enter. A good specialty, where tomorrow a comfortable day with the right approach will be guaranteed. Studying is hard. She lives alone, but she is not financially poor and does not “get out”; everyone helps her. But, apparently, since she is the only child in the family, it is difficult for her to readjust, and as a result she does not like anything. 2 months have passed since the start of school, she is depressed, and began to faint. It’s hard for me to communicate with her because she doesn’t want to tell me a lot. I am categorically against her leaving college now, when she doesn’t really understand what she will do in the future. Also because this is essentially the first difficulty in her life that she does not want to cope with. I try to advise her on something, but naturally, she is not very inclined to listen, although I try not to put pressure on her, but to back everything up with examples from my life, what I have encountered and what I would not want her to encounter. .. But there’s a whole support group: grandparents, who indulge her in every possible way and put pressure on me that I’m a bad mother and don’t worry about the health of my child. I have essentially had no relationship with my parents for many years now. I didn’t please them because I decided to separate from my husband, but they were against it. I was very worried about all this, because they did not leave me alone for almost a year, blackmailed me with housing (I live in their apartment), tried to make sure that the court determined the place of residence of the child with the father. I did not expect such betrayal from a family that I considered prosperous. Since then I've been doing everything wrong. Although I am the only child in the family, I don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t party, I provide for myself and the child. Tell me how to behave correctly in this situation so as not to spoil the relationship with your daughter and to develop a strong character in her? Thank you.

Psychologist Letuchy Igor Anatolyevich answers the question.

Olga, hello. The daughter herself did not choose a profession... There was a “method of elimination”, but still you did not accept your daughter’s position and found a “compromise solution” that, first of all, suited you personally, but your daughter, by and large, did not care and she went to meet you because she had no freedom of choice. If you choose a profession, then it should be done with a psychologist, where you need to pass professional tests, after which you will decide based on the person’s abilities, and then you already had to decide on the choice, reducing the number of specialties and focusing on WHAT YOUR DAUGHTER LIKES. Even now, my daughter does not fully understand why she is studying... You write about this clearly! Your daughter is a capable person, do you think she doesn’t understand what she wants? At least once in your life, you made the right decision that you got divorced and did not live to please someone. But now you yourself are in a relationship with your daughter, duplicating the behavior of your parents, where you impose your opinion on your daughter and only consider it correct. Who will need a diploma if God forbid, the daughter ends up on a psychiatric register? Will you “hang it on the wall” and will you be proud of something that, first of all, your daughter will not be able to use, or will you continue to “stick to your line” and do “good”, thinking that only your opinion is the only correct one and that’s the only way your daughter should act? Without emotions, think about what you have written, make a neutral analysis of the situation. In your situation, IT IS IMPORTANT TO CONSIDER THE OPINION OF YOUR DAUGHTER, since the health of your daughter is at stake, which may not be possible to buy even for a lot of money...

I think that now we need to do the following:

1. It is imperative that your daughter undergo a medical examination, since depression is a diagnosis that should only be made by a doctor. I admit that the daughter can manipulate, but if she faints, then I doubt that this is manipulation. Once again I emphasize that UNIQUELY and AS QUICKLY POSSIBLE, you need to undergo a comprehensive medical examination.

2. Talk frankly with your daughter and hear her, without your arguments and your ambitions! If she considers it necessary to leave the university, then listen to her opinion. It is also important that the daughter choose a profession with a psychologist, as I wrote above, and not base everything on “your goodness and your vision of the situation.” Believe me, if your daughter graduates from the most prestigious university, but she doesn’t like what she’s doing, then there won’t be a positive result, at least the daughter will have a constant feeling of dissatisfaction... and money won’t be a joy! Other options are also possible: There will be just a “diploma for show”, where the daughter will work outside her specialty, perhaps later she will receive a diploma in the second higher education and in my opinion, the WORST OPTION FOR YOU is that your daughter may actually repeat your pattern of behavior as you did with your parents and tell you NO, begin to live by her own mind, not listening to your arguments, and in general, your communication with your daughter will come to naught. ..., because your daughter will still feel resentful that you did not listen to her opinion!