Guardianship
19.04.2022

Relationships: where is the line between intrusiveness and open expression of feelings. How not to ruin a relationship because of your obsession? Why you shouldn't force yourself on a man

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How not to be intrusive at the beginning of a relationship: 10 things you shouldn’t say to a man

To begin with, I’ll immediately emphasize: we are talking specifically about the beginning of a relationship (usually the first few months). This is a relationship up to the so-called Uniqueness stage, when a man seriously communicates only with you.

Why is it important? Because a good half of the things that should not be said before the stage of Uniqueness can be voiced later, when a relationship of greater depth is established between you. For everything has its time.

So, let's begin: 10 things that you should not say to a young man/man at the beginning of a relationship:


1. “How do you see our future?” (any questions about our future together)

When a woman asks such a question, for a man it is tantamount to the fact that she has already married him to herself. But he hasn’t gotten ready yet...

Right now he is not ready to tell her anything intelligible about this, so he will probably fuss and avoid the question, or answer with cliches and clichés, like: “Well, we still have to live to see this future...”, “Time will tell...” and so on.


2. “How do you feel about me? / Are we serious? / Is there something between us?”

He has no idea. Why are you pestering him? At this point in time, he is simply afraid to “get bogged down” in a relationship with a girl without figuring out whether she is right for him. Therefore, he distances himself and wants to compare her with others in order to make a more meaningful choice.

Nobody wants to get a “pig in a poke” - neither women nor men. Don't rush the poor fellow - mind your own business for now :)


3. “Why did you write/call/invite me somewhere less often?”

The answer is simple: he may be at the stage of Doubt, and he needs to make a choice. And this choice is very difficult.

He either continues his search, communicating with many girls, or decides to devote maximum time, effort and attention to only one of them (for example, you).

But to make such a decision you need: time, rationality and balance. And this is not counting the factors that are directly related to the woman (her behavior, communication, personality development, etc.)


4. “Let’s go with you somewhere...”

Not the best offer. How can I change it? For example, like this:

“I would be glad to go somewhere with you...”

Who cares? Let's watch.

In the first case, the girl shows active initiative and acts from a masculine position, which can frighten off a young man.

In the second case, she demonstrates passive initiative(expressing a desire to be invited somewhere), but leaves the active initiative to the man.

This means that he himself must decide whether to invite a woman or not. And if so, where, when and how.


5. “Do you like me?”

Do you think he will say: “No, I don’t like you, but I haven’t found anyone better yet...”? Doubtful.

Of course he will tell the girl that he likes her. But that won't mean that she really he likes.

It is likely that under the given conditions and at the given moment in time, according to some parameters, it is a more or less suitable option for him. And this is not at all the same as liking him.

Therefore the question "Do you like me?" it just doesn't make sense. You will always hear the desired words, but in fact, after some time you may get the exact opposite picture. Therefore, judge by actions.


6. “Are we going somewhere tomorrow?”

In response, he receives bewilderment, like: “I mean, what will happen tomorrow?” or “No, tomorrow I can’t...”

Those. the woman has already screwed herself up and decided that the man should also remember that tomorrow they have a kind of “mini-anniversary”.

But it won’t even occur to him! But a thought might come to something like this: “I’ve imposed myself, damn it - can we still celebrate every week?!”

Do you want to provoke such thoughts in him? Hardly.


7. “What are you thinking about now?”

This seemingly neutral question, in the perception of a man, is imbued with such sweetness that it makes his cheekbones cramp.

What is he thinking about? You never know! The woman, of course, wants to hear what he thinks about her, about the prospects for their relationship, about a bright future together, etc. pieces.

And he knows it. But if he doesn’t think about it (and most likely he doesn’t), he will either have to lie to the woman, or disappoint her by telling the truth and thereby destroying her romantic mood.

Question: what will he do? Most likely, he will lie, because men really do not like to disappoint women unless it is absolutely necessary.

So don't put him in an awkward position. The more often you do this, the less he will want to be around you.


8. “How am I better than your exes?”

Men hate it when they try to force compliments or praise out of them.

If a girl is better than his exes, he will tell her about it himself if he wants. At the same time, a reasonable man will simply speak positively about a woman and her qualities, but in no case will he compare her with someone directly in words.

When you ask this question, you want to hear confirmation that you are unique and that you are better, but in the early stages of dating, a man will perceive this as your lack of self-confidence. And this is not what you need.


9. “I’ve never fallen in love with anyone like that before...” / “I have a feeling that I’ve been waiting for you all my life...”

With these words, the girl lets the man know that she is deeply attached to him.

Imagine an avid hunter who, parting the bushes, suddenly sees that a fox has fallen into his trap...

Try to feel the feeling of satisfaction that will cover him from the realization that now she will not get away from him.

A man experiences approximately the same thing when he hears the words that you have never fallen in love so much. Thoughts almost automatically begin to run through his head, like: “Okay, now you can twist and turn it as you like...”

What’s interesting is that such thoughts occur not only among notorious scoundrels, but also among quite “average men”, who, however, still have a long way to go in their development.


10. “I love you”

In the vast majority of cases, these words will backfire on you.

By pronouncing them, the girl finally hands herself over to the young man as a trophy.

It’s the same as throwing the carcass of a dead hare on the ground in front of a hunter. And the woman is this killed hare, which the man was chasing exactly until she told him these words.

Is there a better option? Undoubtedly. Use more neutral expressions that do not carry such a strong emotional charge, for example: “I am not indifferent to you”, “I like you”, “I like you as a person” and so on.

Believe me, this will be quite enough for him to understand what you want to say.

Total

There are many ways to ruin a new relationship that has yet to truly strengthen.

In this article, we looked at a dozen questions and phrases that can speed up this process and prevent a woman from achieving the desired result.

Of course, everyone wants to do the best, to show care for the relationship and the man. However, there is a problem here. The woman thinks that this helps, but in the male understanding, she does everything in order to discourage him.

Therefore, act meaningfully, take your time, and at least a little accept in your heart the fact that men see the world and relationships completely differently than women.

Video lecture "Civil marriage: how not to get into trouble, and how to get out of it?"

What is inside?

In this lecture we will examine from all sides such an interesting social phenomenon as “civil marriage” (i.e. cohabitation).

You will learn all his true ins and outs and be able to make a meaningful choice.


Dmitry Olegovich Naumenko,
Love Without Compromise.

Question for psychologists

Hello! I’ve been dating MCH for 2 years. For the first 10 months, everything was fine with us, we even began to think about children, but he was drafted into the army and only quarrels and insults began. At the end of the service, I found out that he began to flirt with a girl, I began to express to him and constantly I have to think about this because I don’t like what he did, and if I started to do something similar, he did it even worse and out of spite! We had a big quarrel with him because I started to blame him, and it ended up breaking up. I went to his mother and complained, she supported me and he was furious, but the fact is that he blew my mind for the same reasons that I did to him! Then he returned from the army and things seemed to get better. We agreed that we wouldn’t do anything to spite each other! I found out that he started flirting with the girl again, I couldn’t stand it and came to his house to talk to him to figure out why he was doing this again, to which he answered me that he supposedly didn’t do anything and said that I was forcing myself on him and that it made him sick He said that I have no pride at all, although I never call him first and I don’t write rarely if I need something and we only see each other on weekends because of work. I’m very afraid of losing him and he knows and takes advantage of me. I’m tired of putting up with his antics. He says that he loves me and all that. What should I do, how to stop intruding?!

Hello, Anya! From your letter it is clear that your boyfriend is dear to you. And from what you write, there is a feeling that you are too afraid of losing him, and there are times when you cannot cope with your emotions. He has literally become too significant for you. When we put someone so high on a pedestal, they most likely become burdened by it. Sometimes we girls and women are so worried about the man we love that we literally don’t allow him to breathe freely, and then most often the guy has a desire to break free from such a tight embrace.

Anya, you, worried about your relationship, act like a man - actively, decisively, aggressively. Anya, it is necessary to literally and figuratively “loose your grip.” It is important to take care of yourself, your interests, and needs. And in a relationship with your boyfriend, it is important to give him freedom, and most importantly, not to be afraid of competition and not to demand an account for any reason. Our biggest victories are over ourselves. Sincerely, Svetlana Gorbashova.

Gorbashova Svetlana Vasilievna, psychologist Ivanovo

Good answer 2 Bad answer 0

Anya, hello. It seems that first of all, you are the one who blows your mind... You spend too much time worrying. But you see each other, it turns out, only on weekends, you call and write rarely, and then only for work... And the impression from your letter is that life between you is going wild. When do you ever have time to pick each other's brains out? It’s not very clear what you want to lose. And it’s not at all clear how he uses it? And what are his antics? There is absolutely no information to support you in any way. Maybe you still have illusions about those 10 months that were at the beginning of the relationship? In order to say such harsh words to you about your lack of pride, MCH had some reason. And if you think that he loves you, calmly, without emotion, ask him to explain what this means. And in general, try to take care of your brains and the brains of your neighbor. Sincerely.

Silina Marina Valentinovna, psychologist Ivanovo

Good answer 4 Bad answer 2

Hello, Anya.

Your pain is understandable. It is difficult to accept that your loved one is paying attention to someone else. At such moments, the fear of losing him appears. And in a state of despair, it happens that people begin to take revenge. And it turns out to be a vicious circle: flirting, pain, revenge, temporary calm and all over again. That is, revenge does not help much to improve relationships. But coping with the pain and fear of losing a loved one can be difficult. The feeling of imposition usually appears when a person does not feel reciprocity, when there is a feeling that he alone wants to preserve the relationship. When a loved one, instead of reassuring and saying some important words, keeps him in constant tension, in uncertainty. Anya, it’s clear that this relationship does not bring you joy. Perhaps you should decide for yourself - do you want to always be in pain and tension? And this can really always be the case in a relationship with this person. It seems from your description that the young man does not feel how much you are hurting. That's why he's being rude to you. And his flirting can be not only revenge, but also a trait of his personality - a constant desire to please girls, to conquer them and, by the way, often increase his self-esteem by this. And in this case, you cannot redo it. And if you want a joyful relationship for yourself, where there is mutual trust, caring for each other and love, then you should not hope that the young man will change something or change himself, but rather take care of yourself. I think you are worthy of another relationship that will give you wings, that will decorate your life, that will make you feel your personal growth and improvement, not destruction and suppression, as is happening now. Pull yourself together and endure your desire to return to the same issue again and again. Give yourself the opportunity to get out of the vicious circle, and your boyfriend the opportunity to understand that you value yourself and your life. The light did not fall like a wedge on this young man. Surely there are others who pay attention to you, who like you, with whom you can be happy. Sometimes separation frees a person from destructive and destructive relationships and opens up new opportunities for him. Of course, it will hurt for a while. But it will pass. Believe in yourself.

First meetings and dates, light flirting - what could be more exciting and enjoyable? The beginning of a romantic relationship is always associated with excitement and doubts. Many women are ready if a man doesn’t call for more than a day. Should I call and text first? How to remind a man about yourself and not scare him away?

Interest or obsession?

The times when it was believed that decent girls did not start conversations with guys first are in the past. Modern ladies are not shy about taking initiative. Such a desire is commendable, but do not forget that everything is good in moderation. Any man enjoys interest from the opposite sex. On the other hand, too much attention can be tiring. The main rule: if you decide to write or call first, limit yourself to one call/message and wait for an answer. Many women, when seriously attracted to a man, literally lose their heads. After writing a message, they do not let go of the phone, waiting for the recipient’s reaction. If there is no response within half an hour, the hands themselves begin to type the next message. Of course this is not The best way How to remind a man about yourself. Just imagine how stupid you will look sending a dozen messages or a hundred calls on a phone that the man of your dreams simply forgot to take with him.

The most unobtrusive way to remind yourself

In our age of high technology, almost every person has a personal page on a social network. And it's a great way to communicate. To find a real acquaintance in the virtual space, it is enough to know his first and last name, as well as his city of residence. Modern communication allows you to add new acquaintances to your contact list literally on the day of your first meeting. How to remind a man about yourself with social networks, what should I write to him? The most unobtrusive way is to put “likes” or ratings on photos. You can comment on a photo or video. An alternative option is to have a private conversation. Start with some neutral question. If possible, avoid completely banal phrases: “How are you?”, “What are you doing?” Better ask: “How are you feeling?” or “How is your weekend going?” In fact, your goal is to directly start a conversation. By its development you can judge how interested your interlocutor is in you.

The art of SMS communication

Many people prefer to communicate by letter than to talk out loud. Indeed, there are advantages to messages before calls. You can weigh every word, and you don’t risk saying anything unnecessary. How to unobtrusively remind a man about yourself: SMS, MMS - what to choose? It is appropriate to send photos only to a man with whom you know each other well. Short SMS messages are a suitable way to communicate with any acquaintance of the opposite sex. What to write? The best option is neutral-positive messages. You can give a man a compliment or invite him to meet. The most important thing is to never send repeated messages without waiting for a response. Try to avoid quarrels and showdowns via SMS. If you have any questions or complaints, please make an appointment.

Photo postcard - a reminder of yourself to your loved one

In this age of high technology, there are many ways to send an image. Use MMS messages or personal mail. You can send your photo to the man with whom you are in a loving relationship with an intriguing or sweet note. If you want to attract the attention of a friend or member of the opposite sex with whom you are just beginning a romance, it is better to choose a more neutral reminder. Share a photo news, take a photo and send something unusual, unique or simply beautiful. Let it be a picturesque landscape, a new city landmark, or a photo from some interesting event. If a man is interested in communicating with you, he will probably eagerly support the proposed topic or at least give you a couple of compliments.

How about using SMS?

Traditionally, pickup is the name given to men's secret techniques for seducing women. But why don’t the fair sex acquire their own technique for conquering guys? Most men are quite curious. Do you want to gain attention? Send the object of your affection an intriguing message. Excellent options: “You surprised me!”, “They told me this about you...” or “I didn’t expect this from you.” Don’t be lazy to come up with a legend in advance about what exactly they told you.

The guy you like doesn't call for several days? How to remind a man about yourself? You can send an SMS to his number, pretending that you made a mistake. You can write something frank and seductive. The alternative is to send something rude. Send a “random” SMS and forget about it. If the recipient is at least somewhat interested in communicating with you, he will definitely want to clarify the situation very soon. Don't forget to act surprised when you hear a call or receive an SMS response.

Share the news with your loved ones!

Universal reminders and reasons for meetings

Are you going on a date and are afraid that it will be your last? There is one effective method to help avoid such developments. Leave the man a “memory souvenir”; in other words, forget something from him. The item should be valuable enough not to immediately end up in the trash bin and provide a new reason for the meeting. You can “forget” something from your clothes - gloves or a scarf, a business card holder, jewelry or cosmetics. Try to leave your reminder where it will look most natural and will only be discovered after the breakup. In a car, theoretically, any item can fall out of a handbag. If you are visiting, accidentally leaving cosmetics near the mirror is also a completely banal occurrence. You can organize your next meeting by borrowing something from the man himself. Ask to read a book or transfer some files to a portable storage device. By exchanging any things, you will always have an excuse to meet. And you no longer have to think about how to unobtrusively remind a man about yourself.

Make him promise

Any man wants to be a real hero in the eyes of a representative of the opposite sex. That is why all the guys are ready to instantly fulfill any requests of lovely ladies. Think about what the young man you are interested in can do for you. Maybe it's time to fix the outlet or help carry heavy bags? Choose a task that he can definitely handle. Is it worth reminding a man about yourself if he promised to help you, and then disappeared somewhere? The situation is complex, but it is always better to check why this happened. Don’t be lazy to call and delicately ask whether it’s worth waiting for promises to be fulfilled. If you get a refusal, don't even think about persuading or asking again. Remember that the object of your affection could always really just forget about what he promised. And a reminder in this case will be more than appropriate.

Random encounters are not accidental

One of the most effective ways to make a man think about himself is to regularly “accidentally” catch his eye. Try to find out as much as possible about him and use the information you receive. Visit his favorite cafe from time to time, you can unobtrusively show up near your chosen one’s place of work. Women often say to themselves: “I want to remind the man of my dreams about myself,” and are reckless in their desire. If you decide to use the method of “random” meetings, it is important not to abuse their regularity. In addition, you should always have an answer to the question of what brought you to this place.

How to remind a man about himself: mystical ways

Some ladies claim that they have achieved the attention of the gentleman they like using magical means. Before deciding on any mystical manipulations, try to confirm your desire. Only when you are confident in the depth of your own feelings can you begin to act. Every day before going to bed, concentrate your thoughts on your chosen one. Remember all the best moments spent together and dream without hesitation about new meetings. To establish an energetic connection, place a photo of your loved one in your room. It is advisable that this is a recently taken portrait. Look at it and imagine a future together. Remember: the photograph used in this ritual should not be touched with your hands. It is advisable not to be seen by strangers. Whether a man needs to be reminded of himself in magical ways is a personal question. In love, as in war, all means are fair, so why not try?

There is no greater nightmare for a man than an obsessive sticky girl. Obsession is something that can destroy a relationship that has just begun, because the girl is not yet sure how her partner treats her and decides to take the initiative, but only spoils everything with her irrepressible desire to please. But even in relationships that have been going on for a long time, a girl may one day become overwhelmed when she suddenly realizes that she cannot live without her loved one and is terribly afraid of losing him, and becomes obsessive in this fear. Obsession is rooted in our fears that we are not loved and that we are not needed. Obsession is always destructive. So how can you not be intrusive?

  1. None of us like to be forced into anything. His plans for this evening may have long been planned to go to the sauna with friends, renovate the kitchen, or he just wants to lie on the couch, staring at the TV and do nothing. There is no need to put pressure on him and shower him with reproaches, or pretend to be offended if he does not want to come to you today. Mind your own business and be patient.
  2. Your fears and uncertainty about his feelings make you constantly demand signs of attention and declarations of love from him. Any man will get tired if you ask him a hundred times a day if he loves you and how much he loves you. And every time you will feel like this is not enough for you. After all, love cannot be proven either by words or by material things. So don't be fooled by your fears. Love yourself and believe in his love.
  3. To please him, you are ready to adapt to him in everything. If he accidentally mentions that he likes blondes more than brunettes, then you make an appointment at the hairdresser that same evening and paint yourself white. You start listening to the music he likes. You watch football with him, yawning from boredom, turning to the side so that he doesn’t notice. You leave your interests somewhere on the side, in a past life. In general, without noticing it, you lose your individuality, and he loses interest in you.
  4. Your obsession may manifest itself in excessive concern for him. Try to find out first whether your man needs all this. Should he prepare dinner from the first, second and third meals if he previously ate well at work? So that later you won’t be offended that your efforts were in vain and were not appreciated.
  5. Don't try to take on his problems. The fact that it seems to you that by helping your man you will thus earn his love is just your illusion. Usually people don't really like those to whom they owe money.
  6. Your frequent calls and messages with questions: “What are you doing?”, “Where are you?”, “What are you doing?” may be regarded by him as your desire to control his life and cause irritation and resistance. No less annoying are attempts to find out in detail the details of his life, especially questions about ex-girlfriends. Learn to trust him and not be too anxious.
  7. You shouldn’t pester your man with requests to tell him something or with questions: “Why are you silent?” and “What are you thinking about?” This is perceived by a man as a requirement that he constantly entertain you, and that you do not even in your thoughts allow him to leave personal space for himself. Remember that in close relationships, silence does not cause discomfort. Try to feel your man. What does he need if he is not in the mood - to speak out or be alone and think.
  8. Try to show outbursts of jealousy exclusively in small homeopathic doses. You don’t need to be the first to run to his phone every time in order to have time to see who he received a message from, read his mail and call new numbers that have appeared in his phone book. Why torture yourself if you don't trust him that much? After all, jealousy is meaningless in both cases - both if you are not loved and if you are loved.
  9. If you are a big fan of chatting incessantly, take a closer look at how your man reacts to this. Is he interested in hearing about the problems of your relatives from Vladivostok or how you spent three hours choosing new jeans? Heartfelt conversations are an important component of happiness. family life, but maybe you will find a more grateful listener in your friends when talking about the new diet that you read about in the magazine today.
  10. You, of course, expect care from him and need it like any woman. But let this need not turn into a constant obsessive demand, accompanied by tears, resentment and discontent, if he suddenly could not call you, meet you or see you off, buy what you asked for.

Remember that love does not exist where there is no freedom. And no one can love with a rope around their neck. And obsession is a rope that you are trying to tie into a beautiful knot around your beloved neck.



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