Content:
Tired of your parents' overly strict demands? Are you sitting at home, cut off from your friends because your parents have stricter rules? One of the hardest things for parents is to trust their children with their independence, because there is no one parenting formula that will suit every child. Therefore, teenagers must earn their parents' trust and prove to them that they can enjoy their independence within reason. After reading this article, you will learn how to earn the trust of your parents.
INTERACTION WITH PARENTS
TOPIC: Parental positions and attitudes when raising children.
FORM OF CONDUCT: consultation for parents
DATE: December
PREPARED AND CONDUCTED: Belova N.V.
MADOU
"CRR - KINDERGARTEN No. 125"
G. VLADIMIR
2014
Currently, there are many studies that analyze various aspects of the influence of the family on the child. Many authors identify intra-family relationships as the leading factor influencing the development of a child’s personality, any serious deviation from the norm of which means inferiority, and often a crisis, of a given family and its educational capabilities.
One of the most studied aspects of parent-child relationships is parental positions.
Parental positions are understood as a system or set of parental emotional attitudes towards the child, the parents’ perception of the child and ways of behavior with him.Types of parent positions
Overprotective parents.
This type of parenting is characterized by exaggerated, petty concern for children. Children are not given the opportunity to make their own decisions, act independently, cope with difficulties, and overcome obstacles. Parents show constant overprotection of the child - they limit his social contacts, give advice and suggestions. Encountering difficulties in real life, without having the necessary skills to overcome them, grown children suffer failures and defeats, which leads to a feeling of self-doubt, which is expressed in low self-esteem, distrust of their abilities, and fear of any difficulties in life.Hypersocial demanding position.
In this case, children are required to have order, discipline, and strict performance of their duties. The demands placed on the child are excessively high; their fulfillment is associated with the maximum mobilization of all his capabilities, mental or physical. Achieving success becomes an end in itself, they suffer spiritual development, formation of humanistic values. This attitude of parents towards their child leads to the fact that he will comply with certain social norms only out of fear of punishment and condemnation from his parents. And in their absence, he will allow himself to act based on selfish interests. In other words, such a parental position contributes to the development of duplicity, the formation of external good manners, without personal acceptance of the moral laws of behavior.Irritable, emotionally labile parent.
The main feature of this parental position is the inconsistency of the parent’s emotions towards the child. The inconsistency in relationships with children is represented by various, often mutually exclusive sides: affectivity and overprotection coexist with insufficient emotional responsiveness, anxiety with dominance, inflated demands with parental helplessness. The destructive moment here is a sharp, causeless change in the parent’s mood; the child does not understand what is required of him, does not know how to behave in order to earn the approval of his parents. As a result, the child develops a feeling of uncertainty and insecurity. All these factors prevent the assimilation of moral norms and their implementation in behavior.Authoritarian parent.
Such parents rely more on severity and punishment and rarely communicate with their children. Parents tightly control their children, easily use power, and do not encourage children to express their own opinions. An orderly style of communication, which includes a peremptory tone, a demand for unquestioning obedience, pickiness, tedious lectures and reproaches, harshness, and intimidation. This style of communication, leading to a deficit of positive emotional components of interpersonal relationships in the family, forms in children negative qualities: deceitfulness; secrecy, embitterment, cruelty, lack of initiative or protest and complete rejection of parental authority. This parental position, this style of education leads to the formation of self-doubt, isolation, and distrust in the child. The child grows up humiliated, envious, and dependent.Withdrawn, irritable parent.
For such a parent, a child is the main obstacle; he constantly interferes. The child is forced into the role of a “terrible child” who only creates trouble and tense situations. According to the parent, he is disobedient and self-willed. Children in such an environment grow up withdrawn, unable to concentrate on anything (anyone), diligent, but at the same time greedy, vindictive, and cruel.Lack of education as such.
Children are left to their own devices. This is more common in families where one or both parents suffer from alcoholism. This parental position is characterized as a position of evasion, in which contacts with the child are random and rare; he is given complete freedom and lack of control. If speak about moral education, then in this case it is carried out by anyone, but not such a parent.Liberal parent.
Such parents are characterized as follows: they are lenient, undemanding, disorganized, do not encourage their children, make comments to them relatively rarely and sluggishly, and do not pay attention to nurturing the child’s independence and self-confidence. Parents who take a patronizing, indulgent position have low level aspirations, and their children have average self-esteem, while being guided by the opinions of others about themselves. In such families, parents appeal to the child’s independence (“You’re already big”), but in reality this is pseudo-participation, a refusal to help in critical situations. Emotional Relationships between parents and children are usually insincere.Hypertrophied parental love.
It is expressed in a decrease in the criticality and exactingness of parents in relationships with children, when parents not only do not notice the child’s shortcomings, but also attribute non-existent advantages to him. As a result, a child who does not receive a critical assessment of his personal qualities and actions in the process of communicating with his parents develops inflated self-esteem. “Idol of the family” - the child evokes the universal admiration of his family, no matter how he behaves. Another role is similar to this one - “mom’s (father’s, grandmother’s...) treasure,” but in this case the child is not a universal one, but someone’s personal idol. A child grows up in such a family, demanding constant attention, striving to be visible, he gets used to thinking only about himself. Even an antisocial, immoral personality can grow up, knowing no prohibitions, for whom nothing is prohibited.Authoritative parents.
Such parents treat their children tenderly, with warmth and understanding, communicate with them a lot, control their children, and demand conscious behavior. And although parents listen to the opinions of their children and respect their independence, they do not proceed only from the desires of the children; they adhere to their rules, directly and clearly explaining the motives for their own demands. Children in such families have many useful qualities: they have a high level of independence, maturity, self-confidence, activity, restraint, curiosity, friendliness and ability to understand the environment. This style of parenting includes significant restrictions on the child’s behavior, a clear and precise explanation to the child of the meaning of the restrictions, and the absence of disagreements between parents and children regarding disciplinary measures.Democratic parents
. This model of parental behavior is similar to the previous one in all respects, except for control, since, without rejecting it, parents rarely use it. Children simply do as their parents wish, without any visible pressure. High level of verbal communication between children and parents, inclusion of children in the discussion family problems taking into account their opinion, the parents’ willingness to help, with simultaneous faith in the success of the child’s independent activities.Parental positions
authoritative and democratic parents, are the most optimal. They are characterized by mutual awareness of parents and children, parents and children adequately represent each other’s personal characteristics, positive interpersonal relationships based on empathy, goodwill, delicacy, etc. These positions create favorable conditions for moral development child. These two positions can be considered as a single one, which is realized and modified as the child grows up. As the child grows, gains independence, experiences behavior in certain situations, analyzes the consequences of his actions, parents have the opportunity to control his behavior less and less, gradually transferring responsibility for his decisions and actions to the child himself. And if an authoritative parent is, rather, the parent of a preschool-age child, then a democratic one is the parent of a child entering adolescence.Parents give their children not only education, but also immediately role models. The family is responsible for raising their children, instilling in them character traits. In the parental attitude towards children, parental attitudes are manifested; they are based on the feelings, expectations, and assessments of parents in relation to their children.
Parental attitudes are stereotypical rules of behavior that are expressed in actions, words, gestures, etc., parents seem to follow ready-made templates.In ordinary phrases, every day we give instructions to the child, without even paying attention to it. Sometimes by chance, in other cases fundamentally, constantly and strongly, they are formed from early childhood, and the earlier they are learned, the stronger their effect. Once it arises, the attitude does not disappear and at any moment in the child’s life affects his behavior and feelings. If a child has already created a negative attitude, then only a counter-attitude can become against it, and it is constantly reinforced by positive manifestations from parents and others. For example, counter-installation"You can all",acts against installation“You’re incompetent, you can’t do anything,”but only if the child actually receives confirmation of his abilities in real activities (drawing, modeling, singing, etc.). Naturally, all parents try to give positive instructions to their children, so that in the future they contribute to the favorable development of the child’s personality. Positive attitudes help your child maintain himself and survive in the world around him. The most obvious examples of parental attitudes are proverbs and sayings, they are passed down through generations, sometimes even fairy tales are composed and also told by grandmothers to their grandchildren, who, in turn, to their children, the main thing is to let them have more kindness, and faith in themselves and in their strengths.Let's look together at what attitudes you give to your children, even unconsciously, because in sometimes insignificant phrases, the hidden deep meaning of the message to the child is reflected.
"Don't live." Parents say to their child phrases such as:"You're disturbing me", "Leave me alone"Also, the child should not admit that he was not planned, thereby you make him feel guilty that he was born, do not make him an eternal debtor. Also, if you scold a child, you should not say phrases such as:“My woe,” “Get away from me,” “So that you fall into the ground,” “I don’t need such a bad boy (girl).”
"Don't be a child."
In the speech of some parents, the following phrases can be traced:“I wish you’d grown up already,” “You’re always like a little kid,” “You’re no longer a child to be capricious.”Thus, you demand adult behavior from a child, taking away his most precious childhood. Children who accept the attitude may experience difficulties in communicating with their children in the future, as they are not capable of playing. On the part of the parents, this attitude most likely means that they themselves are not ready to take responsibility for the child."Don't do it." Parents sometimes tell their children,“Don’t touch anything, don’t do it yourself, I’d rather do it.”With this attitude, the child is not allowed to do anything on his own, and as an adult, the person begins to experience painful difficulties at the beginning of each task, and puts off important things for “later.”
"Don't grow." Most often, this attitude is given by parents whose child is the only one in the family, or by younger children; the following phrases are typical for this attitude:“Don’t rush to grow up,” “You’re still too young to wear makeup.”Most often, parents are afraid of the sexual maturity of their children. Having matured, a person finds it difficult to create his own family, and if they do create one, they live with their parents.
"Don't feel it." “Shame on you to be afraid of (the dog, the dark, the brownie, Baba Yaga...)”, “If you don’t have sugar, you won’t melt”, “I’m cold too, but I’m patient.”Thus, a person in adult life afraid to express his feelings, accumulates anger and other emotions in himself, walks around irritated with loved ones because he cannot speak out. More often such people suffer from heart and neurotic diseases.
"Don't be yourself." This setting appears as an indication“Your friend can do it, but you can’t.”The hidden meaning of the installation is that parents want to manipulate the child, forcing him to strive for their ideal, without taking into account the abilities of their child. As an adult, he is constantly dissatisfied with himself, depends on the assessment of others, and needs approval.
"Don't be successful."
“You won’t succeed, let me do it myself,” “Your hands are like hooks (growing from the wrong place; attached at the wrong end).”Such parents independently reduce the child’s self-esteem. In adulthood, these children can become hardworking and diligent people, but they seem to be constantly burdened by a feeling of dissatisfaction or incompleteness."Do not think". This directive appears in the following phrases:“Never mind”, “Don’t be clever”, “Don’t reason, but do.”Parents give, as it were, a ban on the child’s intellectual activity; in adulthood, people begin to feel devastated when solving problems, or they begin to have headaches, or there is a desire to “blur” these problems with the help of entertainment, alcohol and drugs.
"Don't be a leader."
“Do (be) like everyone else,” “Keep your head down,” “Don’t stand out.”Parents think that others envy children who achieve success, and thereby try to protect their children. In adulthood, people want to obey, give up their careers, and are not dominant in the family.“Belong to no one but me.”
Most often, parents see their child as their only friend; in adulthood, the person remains lonely. As a result, a person feels “not like everyone else” everywhere, except in his parents’ family."Don't be close."
“Any intimacy is dangerous if this intimacy is not with me.”Unlike the previous setting, it concerns a ban on contact with a loved one, and not with a group. In adulthood, such a person will experience difficulties in the sexual sphere and be afraid of intimacy with another person."Don't feel good."
A striking example is when a mother says to others in the presence of a child:“Even though he’s weak, he did it...”The child accustoms himself to the idea that illness attracts attention, poor health increases the value of the action itself, that is, illness adds respect and causes greater approval. The child is given permission to benefit from his or her illness in the future. Subsequently, such people begin to feign their illness in order to attract attention. If they are healthy, they begin to suffer from hypochondria.It is in your power to make sure that there are fewer negative attitudes. Learn to transform them into positive ones that develop self-confidence in the child, making his world emotionally rich and vibrant.
Happiness comes to those who know how to listen and hear. If a person is patient and knows how to give in, then he has every chance of living happily. And his happiness grows stronger from the fact that he does things in common with other people.
Happiness is a piece of your soul that is filled with the warmth and love of those you value very much. Family happiness means loving parents, a caring spouse, or even close friends. Friends are also a part of life. It’s not just that they say about friends: “we are like one whole family.”
“It’s worth being a father if only to look at your children without envy”
Karl Berne
“A child from the first grade of school should be taught the science of loneliness”
Faina Ranevskaya
“Don’t take your child to the museum of ancient sculpture, otherwise he will ask you why his leaf hasn’t grown.”
Ramon Serna
“Children are younger than us, they still remember how they too were trees and birds, and therefore are still able to understand them; We’re too old, we have too many worries, and our heads are full of jurisprudence and bad poetry.”
Heinrich Heine
“Never let your child call you by his first name. He hasn't known you long enough."
Fran Lebowitz
“You will never be able to create wise men if you kill naughty children.”
Jean-Jacques Rousseau
“It’s only a step from a five-year-old child to me. There is a terrible distance from a newborn to me.”
Lev Tolstoy
“Children start by loving their parents. Then they judge them. And they almost never forgive them.”
Oscar Wilde
“A child who is not loved by anyone ceases to be a child: he is just a small defenseless adult.”
Gilbert Sesbron
“Until the age of twenty-five, children love their parents; at twenty-five they condemn them; then they forgive them"
Hippolyte Taine
“Parents love their children with an anxious and indulgent love that spoils them. There is another love, attentive and calm, which makes them honest. And so it is real love father"
Denis Diderot
“God protects fools and children,” says the proverb. This is the absolute truth. I know this because I tested it on myself."
Mark Twain
“A loving mother, trying to ensure the happiness of her children, often ties them hand and foot with the narrowness of her views, the short-sightedness of her calculations and the unsolicited tenderness of her worries.”
Dmitry Pisarev
The life and health of their children is in the hands of parents. Of course, not everything depends only on the parents, and there are circumstances that also influence the child. But still, it is the family that lays the foundation for a child’s destiny. Therefore, many parents involuntarily ask questions: What is the most important thing in upbringing? What can they give their children besides physical care?
Teacher and director of the Neufeld Institute in Israel Shoshanna Hayman wrote a heartfelt post about the most important task for all parents who want to see their children confident, but at the same time sensitive and responsive.
“Tree Daddy”: a parental metaphor
The rain poured incessantly. Strong winds uprooted trees and carried them away. My husband was looking out the window, focusing all his attention on the row of young fruit trees we had planted this summer. When a powerful gust of wind hit the mango tree, bending its branches, the husband threw on a raincoat, took out a strong rope and went out into the storm to secure the trees, tying them to the fence.
When he returned, wet and chilled, I told him, half-jokingly, that he was a good “tree daddy.” The image of the “daddy of trees” arose in my mind when I thought about how he saved small fragile trees. He planted them with such love in the summer and became imbued with the realization that he must look after them to provide them with the most Better conditions to grow so that they can grow into big strong trees that will bear good fruit in the future. He does not have to push and pull the tree branches all the time to promote their growth; he should not dictate to them how to grow. He believes that the day will come and fruit will appear, and that he must only ensure that the trees are provided with all the necessary conditions for healthy growth and are protected from everything that can harm them.
This is what we, parents, give to our children. We believe in their development potential. Buried deep within them are the seeds that will develop them into truly mature adults. They will develop the flexibility and resilience needed to withstand the harsh world. They have the ability to be considerate and caring towards others, while feeling confident in their own worth. Their own aspirations and goals in life will develop over time, along with the courage and resourcefulness required to realize these goals. They will be able to become responsible and independent to make their lives meaningful and happy.
When we believe in this, all that remains for us is to protect and cherish such development. Just as the “tree daddy” understands the need to watch over the trees, providing them with safety and protection, so we must protect and protect our children because of their great emotional vulnerability, until they stand on their own feet and can fend for themselves. yourself in our world. We shouldn't push and pull our children to speed up their growth. Each child will develop at his own pace, and gradually we will see the results of this development - those bright human character traits that we want to see in them.
What we must protect and protect are their hearts. Children are the most sensitive and defenseless creatures. In order to not only survive, but also to flourish and open up, they need soft, not hardened hearts. It is necessary that the feelings they experience contribute to being sensitive, responsive, caring and delicate. Without these emotions, children lose the sensitivity and understanding necessary for human development. They cannot become adaptive and able to overcome difficulties. They lose their sense of self and their goals in life, and with it the ability to receive satisfaction from self-realization. Life seems black and white to them, since they are not able to see the dissonance and ambiguity that color and characterize various events in our lives.
Parents must protect their children's hearts from being hurt so that they retain those vital emotions that will help them grow into mature adults. We should be on the same “frequency” with our children, focusing our attention on how the world around them influences them, just as the “daddy of the trees” watched from the window what was happening to his young trees in the rain and by the wind.
Of course, what affects our children cannot always be seen with the eyes, like rain, for example, and therefore we need subtle, insightful intuition (the ability to see with the heart). And that's the secret. Our own hearts must be soft, not hardened. We must rely on our feelings: sensitivity, responsiveness, care and caution, in order to feel with our own hearts what our children need, what we must give them. This is our main task. This is what motivates us to grow and develop with our children.
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Tired of your parents' overly strict demands? Are you sitting at home, cut off from your friends because your parents have stricter rules? One of the hardest things for parents is to trust their children with their independence, because there is no one parenting formula that will suit every child. Therefore, teenagers must earn their parents' trust and prove to them that they can enjoy their independence within reason. After reading this article, you will learn how to earn the trust of your parents.
Make a list special privileges you would like to receive from your parents. Part of the reason your parents don't want to let you do anything that makes them even the slightest bit uncomfortable may be because they're afraid you'll take advantage of it and ask for something else. You can dissuade parents from this by coming to them with a final list of an acceptable number of privileges. Leave 5-6 empty lines after each requirement.
Under each request, write a list of reasons why you deserve it. Create statements that fall into the following categories: 1) how you have already demonstrated your responsibility in using privilege, 2) how you will prevent it from being abused, and 3) what the consequences of abuse will be.
Plan a serious conversation with your parents. Speak at the appropriate time, over a cozy family dinner, just mention that you have been thinking about increasing your privileges and that you have several reasons why they might be expanded. Depending on your parents' conversation preferences, you may want to discuss the issue right away or schedule a time to talk.
Start the conversation with an understanding approach. Realize that your parents have legitimate concerns about stopping you from doing more things on your own. Bring your list to the table, but don't start bombarding parents with your demands. Instead, approach the conversation with something like this: “Mom, Dad, I completely understand why you are afraid to let me go out with friends whenever I want. Because you cannot know for sure what we are doing, and you won't be there if anything happens. But, it seems to me that we can find a compromise on this issue; I think that I have earned your trust and can get additional freedoms. After all, I am growing and developing - almost # #-year-old - I'm a teenager, and I need to express my opinions and make my own choices in certain matters."
List the benefits you want and the good reasons for them, and be prepared to compromise. Discuss the items on the list with your parents and always have examples ready to demonstrate your good qualities and readiness for additional freedoms. Your parents may argue about certain requirements or parts of them, but this will mean that you are moving in the right direction. In the end, you will still have to compromise. Your parents may not give you absolutely everything you ask for, but that's completely normal. Remember that building trust is a long process, and if you show responsibility in the things that they allowed you do, you will be able to ask for more in the future.
If your parents aren't very responsive to your suggestions, provide other reasons why being more independent is good for your development. Use a calm and understanding tone when stating these reasons, as they may be difficult for your parents to accept, especially if you are the first child in the family.
Behave responsibly. Don't expect your parents to treat you like an adult if you act like a child. Clean your room, offer to look after your younger siblings, don't throw tantrums, and so on. Even just letting them know you're doing well while you're away from them is a good sign of responsibility.
Realize that sometimes your parents really know better than you. Especially in situations that are familiar to them, they know exactly what they are talking about. If they have doubts about you going out with someone or going out with a certain group of people, take their words and think about them seriously. Your parents are wiser than you.
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