Drobyshevskaya should not be lost for children to read. To educate is to awaken in children a sense of truth. The latest book by psychotherapist Nadezhda Drobyshevskaya, “Children Should Not Be Lost,” is about the problems of social orphanhood, family dysfunction and depression.

On April 10, 2014, Nadezhda Afanasyevna Drobyshevskaya, a psychotherapist and expert on family education, reposed in the Lord.

Nadezhda Afanasyevna was known to the public as the author of the documentary books “Children’s Truth” and “Children Should Not Be Lost.”

The first book, telling about patients in children's psychiatric hospitals who were admitted there for antisocial behavior, was published in 2003 by the Publishing House of the Belarusian Exarchate with the blessing of Metropolitan Philaret of Minsk and Slutsk. The second book, devoted to the analysis of social orphanhood, family dysfunction and teenage crime, was published in 2013 by the Moscow Patriarchate Publishing House with the blessing of His Holiness Patriarch Kirill of Moscow and All Rus'.

Nadezhda Drobyshevskaya graduated from Vitebsk Medical University in 1971. She worked as an obstetrician-gynecologist, then continued her education at the Department of Psychiatry of the Moscow Institute for Advanced Medical Studies. While working at the sanatorium of the Central Committee of the Party in Crimea, she received a Gospel as a gift from one of the employees of the CPSU Central Committee. This event became for her one of the first steps towards Orthodoxy.

As a pediatric psychotherapist, Nadezhda Afanasyevna worked for 6 years at the Republican Psychiatric Hospital (Minsk). She advocated a revision of the existing system of hospitalization for difficult children. “Children need psychiatrists to first of all show their moral responsibility for them,” she emphasized. - When a child loses his mother forever, and she is alive and in the same city, and sometimes even sober, and the child never ceases to hope that maybe his mother will take him away from the boarding school, and my teenager writes to such a mother: “Dear mother . This is Dima writing to you. I miss you. Come to me at least someday. Mom, I cry every day. Because you don’t come to me.” Dima wrote a note, but there was nowhere to send it. And no one comes or goes to him. His condition is getting worse. And instead of his mother, we give him chlorpromazine!

After the publication of the book “Children's Truth,” Nadezhda Afanasyevna was invited by the governor of the Minsk region to work on the regional commission for minors. In this position, she worked to solve problems of family dysfunction and antisocial behavior of minors, as well as to restore spiritual and moral education in the family and school. Nadezhda Drobyshevskaya actively communicated with teachers, parents, students, and officials. She carried out her work with the support and participation of clergy of the Belarusian Orthodox Church.

After retiring, Nadezhda Drobyshevskaya continued to attend seminars and conferences and hold meetings with children and parents. She has spoken on Belarusian and Russian television on the topic of juvenile justice and other topical issues.

Having already fallen ill with an incurable disease, Nadezhda Afanasyevna did not give up thoughts of writing another book - “We Have No Time.” “Not only do we not know how to communicate, but parents and teachers also have no time. Teachers have no time because they have other goals and tasks for which they are asked. By the way, the police also have no time. There are only a few enthusiasts among all categories. And happy are those children who get to meet such people. But there are more of those who are subject to exclusively repressive measures,” she said in one of her last interviews.

The works of Nadezhda Afanasyevna Drobyshevskaya are a great contribution to domestic pedagogy, psychology, and psychiatry. Church.by

The latest book by psychotherapist Nadezhda Drobyshevskaya, “Children Should Not Be Lost,” is about the problems of social orphanhood, family dysfunction and juvenile delinquency. Our correspondent talked with Nadezhda Afanasyevna about her book and how important ordinary human communication is

Psychotherapist Nadezhda Afanasyevna Drobyshevskaya is the author of two books: “Children's Truth” (Minsk, 2003), which talks about patients in children's psychiatric hospitals who were admitted there for antisocial behavior; “Children must not be lost” (Moscow, 2013), which analyzes various aspects of the problems of social orphanhood, family dysfunction and juvenile delinquency. She is currently terminally ill. Our correspondent talked with Nadezhda Afanasyevna about her latest book and how important ordinary human communication is.

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My first book was published in 2003, and 10 years later the second. Essentially these are documentary materials, my diaries. And life shows that these books are needed. But there are not enough of them, and, to my great regret, there is no financial opportunity to reissue them.

The last book had a chapter on “Communication with Children.” It's my pain that the chapter was not included in the book! But, nevertheless, the book took place and received a diploma.

But I want to say that today the first place among the problems is communication between children and parents, with adults. We have made a good transition to virtual communication, but everyone is moving away from face-to-face communication for various reasons. Do not know how. Communication is a great art. As a psychotherapist, I have never used any other technology except one - dialogue. There is such a method of Socrates. And it worked amazing! But this requires time, effort and knowledge. According to the famous psychiatrist professor Grunya Efimovna Sukhareva, to be a psychiatrist, you need to have intellectual training; to be a psychotherapist, you need to have intellectual training (that is, knowledge), plus experience and art. You must be able to empathize with the soul of each patient and, at the same time, work in such a way as not to harm yourself.

If God would give me life... Unfortunately, I fell ill with an incurable disease. But I had thoughts and material for the next book called “We Have No Time.” Not only do we not know how to communicate, but parents and teachers also have no time. Teachers have no time because they have other goals and tasks for which they are asked. By the way, the police also have no time. There are only a few enthusiasts among all categories. And happy are those children who get to meet such people. But there are more of those who are subject to exclusively repressive measures.

There is a program on television called “Let Them Talk.” I can say a lot of bad things about this program, but at the same time, for lack of anything else, the presenter fulfills a role for which I appreciate him. He serves as a psychiatrist and confessor. Various cases are considered, and the broadcast ends with a wish: take care of yourself and your loved ones. But as? In the next program everything is repeated again. With all due respect to representatives of show business, the final word in such a program should belong to the priest and theologian. Because the issues being considered are of a spiritual nature.

The spiritual component has dropped out of the process of family education. Education began to be understood as follows: to feed, clothe, educate. One day my relative, a general, came to me, he was already 80 years old, and I was 70, and we began to remember our school. All my life my heart has been filled with a feeling of great gratitude to teachers. I no longer remember the subjects they taught, but I remember how much knowledge they gave us on the subject “How to be human” and instilled a sense of responsibility. Something that is not taught in the family now.

The same civil marriage... Let this topic not be exaggerated in the media, let there be at least one channel that would say that this is fornication.

When I say “civil marriage”, “fornication”, do not take this as an insult. I do not condemn, but state a fact and feel sorry for these people. Those who understand this are not offended by me. In a civil marriage, children suffer, and this suffering does not last for a year or two, but for life. And then these children, becoming parents, continue this chain of evil...

I have people near and dear to me who have children out of wedlock. There are those who, realizing their condition, repented and came to the temple. For example, one such friend gave birth to a child out of wedlock. She was angry all the time and could not forgive the man who did not marry her. She splashed out her condition on the child. He became uncontrollable and reached the point of psychiatry. That’s when my book “Children’s Truth” came to her. She had the courage to admit her mistakes and change her condition. Everything worked out and she got married...

This chapter on communication is very important to me. I gave examples there. One of them is how I communicated with a child from 3 years old to 10 years old. With my relative. His parents are divorced. When we met, we always talked for a very long time so that the child would not have any unclear questions. Moreover, you need to be able to tell by the child’s gaze that he has questions.

Example. One day I was invited to a consultation with a boy who was fighting at school and was about to be kicked out. Mom didn’t admit for a long time that the family was dysfunctional, but then she said. She burst into tears and admitted that her father drinks, does not participate in her upbringing, and sometimes beats her. But the child needs one thing - for there to be peace at home, then school will go differently, everything will be different.

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And the boy is covered in freckles, so cute! The first name is Sergei, and the last name, it seems, is Vorobiev. And they tease him - “red sparrow”. And he begins to beat the offenders. I tell him: “And when you go home, do you want to talk to someone?” Nods his head - yes. And my mother is sitting next to me. “Who would you like to talk to?” Silently looks at mom. Mom looks at me happily. “And someone at home sees that they need to talk to you.” Sergei shakes his head negatively. Mom stared blankly into the distance, horror on her face. Questions remain unanswered, and the child goes to school with this. I tell him: “You are so cute, you could participate in the drama club.” So he signed up! The child is looking for some way, but no one suggests it to him. It’s like in a difficult moment, if a leg is broken, a person needs to be given a crutch...

More examples from a chapter that has not been published. One day I come to visit relatives who have a little grandson. Before he entered the room, I turned off the TV. He comes in and says in an adult, business-like tone: “Who turned off the TV?” I answer: “I am.” And now I’ll explain why.” It’s clear that he doesn’t like it, but he wants to understand. “What is shown in this program needs to be flushed down the toilet. And my head, my eyes and ears are not a toilet.” “It’s clear,” he says, “my grandmother’s head is a toilet.”

We then talked to the boy's family about how they are responsible for what their children listen to and watch. That when they grow up and do something terrible, don’t ask “where did that come from?” You yourself invested this. Certainly not consciously, without thinking about the consequences. The brain is the most complex computer that accumulates everything and in due time will produce something that will make the whole family cry, and perhaps nothing can be done.

That's how important communication is! But we have no time. Do you know what the price of this rush is? Oligarchs also lose children through drugs and alcohol. This does not depend on social status.

You know, this happens in life: a woman is a tactician, a man is a strategist. A woman knows the immediate situation, but a man knows from a distance. And the Lord unites them together. Our modern purely female upbringing leads to the fact that there are few strategists, even among men. If our prominent figures had strategic thinking, then no one would dare to bet on casinos on every corner. Because the money that society will receive from these games will never pay for the dire consequences in the future...

If a person has received an upbringing in a family, some kind of foundation is laid in him. Previously, it was laid down by parents, religion, family and culture. Everyone worked in the same team, in the same direction, to provide a solid moral foundation.

Today we have lost these foundations. We are returning to them, but in small steps. On the one hand, we are returning... But these casinos, these lotteries... I, as an experienced specialist, will say that those who want to get money for free go there.

Why is everyone now crying because of the work of a plumber? Where can I find a good carpenter or mechanic? Previously, people were taught to earn money through painstaking work and perseverance. Now the emphasis is on how to win... And at the genetic level there is some kind of damage. If you remember Vladimir Mikhailovich Bekhterev, look at the solid foundations - his children and grandchildren, despite the most difficult trials in camps and prisons, succeeded as professors.

In their own eyes, everyone sees themselves as specialists. By the way, even large companies fail at this. They conduct tests and get a “cool” specialist for them. And when he arrives at the place, it de facto turns out that he only has the desire to be able to do it, but he does not know how to work.

I read somewhere that in the past one of the most prestigious professions in the village was a blacksmith. There are about 10 boys gathering who want to become blacksmiths. And the master of one sends the yard to take revenge, another to chop wood, and another to fetch water. One of the children is indignant: I came to study as a blacksmith, but why is he giving me another job?! And they leave. There are two or three left who do everything the blacksmith tells. These are the ones who will become real masters.

What do I want to say with these examples? Everything is acquired with great difficulty. And today young people want results quickly and easily.

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You can say this: today every window has its own fire, its own misfortune. I also want to say about parents... They don’t understand that not only their troubled children need to meet with a psychologist, but they themselves too. “Why,” they say, “are the problems with the child, and not with us?” And their child sits at the computer for days, with headphones in his ears, so he can’t get through unless he knocks on the head. I tell my parents: “Please tell me, who bought these toys for him?”

One incident struck me. A mother brings her seven-year-old child to church for an early service. I was happy - what a good boy, he came to work so early! And my mother says: we have a condition - he will come to the service, confess and take communion, and I will allow him to play on the computer. In my opinion, this is a terrible thing, because the Church is not being sold.

Once in the Moscow region I met with a priest who has an Orthodox school. He said that some parents are ready to give him a million and a child to raise, but they can’t handle it themselves. And he summed it up: without parents, he doesn’t need either a million or a child. Only with parents. You can’t shift responsibilities; the priest has one, the parents have another. A priest, like a teacher, like a psychotherapist, cannot educate instead of parents - only together!

We want the teacher not to offend, the doctor not to offend, the priest not to offend the child. Just a pat on the head? As a result, where do these good intentions lead? In hell. Then they say to such a child: “You freak, I don’t need you!” It is necessary for parents to have authority over their children. In general, it’s not easy being parents!

What other problem in society today is that no one wants to see pain. Everyone is in the mood for a joyful state, to have fun... When I had to face oncology, I came to the oncology clinic. What I saw there is impossible to describe. How lonely people are in trouble! How much they need psychological and other help! And how little there is of it.

Of course, there are rare exceptions. Once I was at the market, and in one shop a girl saw that I was not feeling well, so she offered me a chair. And when she found out that I lived across the street, she walked me to the apartment. I liked this girl because of her sincere attitude and participation - she noticed something that her mother, the owner of the store, did not see. I gave her my book, and she hugged me, and I see tears in her eyes. She even offered me her phone number in case I needed anything. I say: “Where are you from, Katyusha?” She: “I looked at my grandmother for a long time - I understand.”

But these are not common cases, unfortunately. The patient most often becomes unnecessary - he needs to be looked after and bothered.

One more moment. Today, young people who are so unprepared come to the pedagogical institute. I had to speak at one such university and I asked: “How do you understand the phrase “children should not be lost”?” It’s hard to believe, but at the Faculty of Social Pedagogy, some students answered: they should not be lost in the forest, in a crowd, in a strange city... Maybe this understanding will come to them. But happiness is when this understanding, as well as a sense of compassion and responsibility for one’s actions, is instilled from childhood.

Yes, there are orphans, this exists in society and it is not normal. Distributing orphans to orphanages is a “hit on the tails.” These institutions have a bad reputation. Their pupils are afraid to later reveal that they were raised in an orphanage or boarding school. And it’s clear why... Although there are also people there who accomplish feats. But these are enthusiasts. The system will never replace parents. And in foster care, unprepared people often take children and go into a minefield without being sappers. Then such consequences... And how many children’s pains and tears have yet to be revealed...

There is one way to correct the situation. Talk about the responsibility of being a mother, that you will not receive benefits as a single mother, but carry your own heavy cross. And if people help you, thank God. A girl should already know at school what she will do. Sex education is needed not in terms of how to use condoms, but in terms of what responsibility it is to be a mother. And no one has canceled the commandments of God and no one will cancel or refute them.

The second reason: parents do not love themselves in the Gospel sense of these words (Matt. 22:39). People with low level self-esteem suffer enormous difficulties in trying to give their children more love than they have for themselves.

The third reason for the lack of love for children is that Parents mistakenly believe that children are obliged to meet their expectations. Parents' feeling that their children do not reach the “required level” often becomes the main reason for conflicts.

Many parents view their children as chattel, as a form of ownership. They believe that children behave properly only when they say and do what their parents want them to do. Children's behavior that diverges from parents' expectations causes their criticism. Father or mother speak words filled with deadly poison:

- Such I do not love you!

Without doing this intentionally, they nevertheless deprive the child of their love and approval. The child begins to feel unloved. This is how the foundation is laid for his personal problems in the future: many of us know people who, by constantly currying favor with significant elders (boss at work, priests), try to gain favor, “justify the trust.” Unfortunately, no one told them that their trust does not need to be justified - it is not to blame for anything.

Any negative or antisocial behavior of a teenager is a cry for help, an attempt to get rid of feelings of guilt, anger and resentment generated by criticism and rejection that they had to face at the very beginning of life.

The topic raised in this chapter is presented in depth and detail in the book by N.A. Drobyshevskaya “Children’s Truth”, Publishing House of the Belarusian Exarchate, 2002. The author is a practicing psychotherapist, a Christian, who worked for six years with difficult children and adolescents in the children’s department of a psychiatric hospital.

The stay of such children in a psychiatric hospital does not lead to improvement in behavior. It cannot be here - that real improvement in behavior that parents and teachers are waiting for, because doctors are already faced with the investigation. The harm from staying in a psychiatric hospital, from sticking a diagnosis as a “label” is undeniable.

The author believes that the network of psychiatric hospitals in our country began to expand as the Church was destroyed, and that our children, first of all, need worthy examples of adult life. Children will remain in evil until we - adults - show them a different path through our personal example of a decent life.

The destruction of a family inevitably entails the destruction of a nation. The collapse of parental authority in the family gives rise to the collapse of all ideals in society. This is where anarchy, confrontation and conflict between generations are born. Children blame their parents, parents blame their children.

Today, it is to the Church, to its ministers, that many parents rush for help, advice and support. They hurry when the situation has reached the edge, when they have enough wisdom to realize their mistakes and their helplessness. And how great it is if in church God's parents they meet a good shepherd who, with his heartfelt sympathy and pastoral wisdom, will help resolve the situation, ask leading questions, give wise advice, and pray with the person about his situation.

In this chapter we will dwell in more detail on the cases in which parents most often turn to a priest. Let's talk about what the priest's help to parents and children is.

Most often, the priest is approached with complaints about children growing up: they don’t respect anyone, they don’t go to church. Usually you can hear this from the mother, but sometimes fathers also complain about the child, who in childhood was a “beautiful boy”, was almost going to go to a monastery, and then suddenly completely cooled down to the church, he developed other interests. As a rule, the priest does not have the opportunity to talk with these children, so the mother or father needs to help the mother or father sort out the conflict.

I think a big mistake would be made by a shepherd who, after listening to such a complaint, would say: “Yes, our youth are like that now. She doesn’t need God at all, young people are mired in sin, it’s TV and rock music that have done their job...” Having supported the position of a believing parent regarding “godless children,” this shepherd, instead of helping the father or mother understand whether they are contributing to the emergence of conflict situation, immediately takes the position of the parents. Mom, of course, will be confirmed that she is right - after all, the priest himself supported her! - and now, “with the blessing” of the clergyman, he will continue to scold and “nag” his son or daughter.

It is very important to understand that Why the parent turned to the priest for help right now. Why have relationship problems become especially acute today? What has changed in the relationship with the child or in the parent himself? Lately Thus?

It happens that behind the aggravation of relationships is simply the natural process of a child growing up and leaving him from parental control. But most often this is facilitated by a sharp change in the situation - either in the child’s life, for example: he returned from the army, entered college and, as a result, the possibility of control decreased; or in the life of a parent: he retired and he had freed up time and mental strength to devote more time to his family; or the parents divorced...

First group. She is characterized by a lack of contact with children. Parents do not know how they live, what they are interested in. The inability to have a heart-to-heart talk with them gives parents a feeling of uselessness, alienation from own child. For such situations, statements like: “I don’t understand him (or her) at all are typical. I don’t know anything about him - where he goes, who he’s friends with. He doesn’t tell me anything, he doesn’t trust me.”

Second group. The problems of this group are associated with the defiantly disrespectful attitude of children towards their parents. There are constantly quarrels and conflicts between them over trifles. Typical complaints from parents: “He is constantly rude, he doesn’t take me into account - he plays his stupid music loudly, he doesn’t want to help around the house.”

Third group. Characterized by anxiety for children, fears that they are not living as they should from the parents’ point of view. Sometimes this is a conflict between the non-religious structure of children’s lives, their reluctance to go to church, pray to God, and their parents’ “shoulds.”

It happens that parents consider their children unhappy, unlucky, confused and lost in life. Here are the complaints: “My daughter bad relationship with husband. I want to help her improve family relationships, but I don’t know how to do it.” Or: “Father, my son dropped out of college, where he studied for three years, and is going to go to a monastery. How can I influence him? The mother laments that her daughter is only nineteen years old, and she has already had three abortions: “What should I do with her?”

Fourth group. These are problems associated with non-standard, often illegal behavior of children. For example: “My son uses drugs. How can you help him? What prayers should I read? Which specialist should I contact?”, or: “My daughter is closely acquainted with members of a criminal group that is involved in racketeering.”

Whatever group the complaints belong to, the first task of the pastor is to understand the essence of the problem, to understand to what extent the complaints and assessments of the parents correspond to reality. The most obvious way is to collect information, specific facts.

Usually the parent who turns to the priest is a “correct” person from his point of view, he is talkative and ready to tell you his story without leading questions. But to get the information you need about specific situations you will have to ask him direct questions about How how the child’s relationship with the parent unfolded, what they usually talk about, why and how disputes break out, what worries and suspicions are based on.

Nadezhda Afanasyevna Drobyshevskaya graduated from the Vitebsk Medical Institute (now a university) in 1971. She worked as an obstetrician-gynecologist, then took up psychotherapy, and studied at the Department of Psychiatry at the Moscow Institute for Advanced Medical Studies. She worked in a party sanatorium in Crimea, where a certain employee of the CPSU Central Committee gave her the Gospel; this became for her one of the first steps towards Orthodoxy.

She worked as a pediatric psychotherapist for six years at the Republican Psychiatric Hospital in Minsk. Author of the book “Children's Truth,” which tells about patients in children's psychiatric hospitals who were admitted there for antisocial behavior (theft, hooliganism, drug addiction). It is not so much the children who are to blame for their terrible lives, says N. Drobyshevskaya, as their parents, who do not pay them attention, care and love. “Children’s Truth” is an accusation against society, primarily parents, of spiritual infanticide. After the book was published, she received an offer from the governor of the Minsk region to work in the regional executive committee, where she worked for four years as a leading specialist in the main ideological department. In 2013, the second book “Children Should Not Be Lost” was published - an organic continuation of the first book and a professional understanding of the family crisis.

In 2013, Nadezhda Afanasyevna learned about her serious illness: stage 4 liver cancer with metastases. Wanting to maintain peace of mind, prepare for death with dignity and not burden her family and friends, she told only a few about the diagnosis; refused chemotherapy and only completed a course of maintenance therapy. She gathered together, went to confession and often received communion; On April 10, 2014, she quietly and brightly went to be with the Lord.

We bring to the attention of site visitors an interview with Nadezhda Drobyshevskaya that is still relevant today and her deep monologue, in which she speaks as an experienced specialist and a believer about the influence of family and society on the development of children...

First meeting

— Nadezhda Afanasyevna, what problems in the field that you are involved in are the most pressing in Belarus at present? Are they different from priority issues in other countries?

— Our most pressing problem is the restoration of the spiritual and moral education of children. Previously, the Church did this. But since the Church was excluded from the educational process in the twentieth century, it was left to its own devices. The Code on Marriage and Family stated that education is socially useful work. That is, the child was raised by society, raised by everyone, which means no one.

Today we need, firstly, to realize that the process of education is spiritual and moral, and, secondly, to solve the problem of training specialist teachers. This is relevant not only for Belarus. Colleagues from prosperous countries tell me: “You have a lot of economic difficulties, that’s why there are social orphans. But we don't have such difficulties. But the problem is the same! When I visit other countries, I am convinced that our pedagogy system is strong in its roots and folk traditions. If only we could nourish them a little, revive them with something spiritual!

Children today, as the host of one television program rightly put it, experience “nostalgia for morality.” True, during an “impromptu” survey they may speak out, for example, in favor of civil marriage. But it’s worth working with the audience and then asking a trivial question: “Would you like your sister to give birth to a child out of wedlock?” - we get a categorical answer: no! And the guys’ further reasoning becomes correct from a moral point of view! Only they have it buried somewhere in the depths. “You’ll dig it up,” and the children make a choice towards moral behavior.

“However, the problem of difficult children, delinquent children, is extremely acute. And it is solved mainly through correctional institutions. Is it effective?

— Due to my duty, I had the opportunity to meet with children who were on various records. And here’s the picture: a judge, a prosecutor, a policeman gather, and everyone begins to scare the children: “You will be released from prison, no one will marry you!” And so on. I asked: “Guys, are you scared to hear these words?” They are silent. I continue: “But I’m scared. Tell me, can you assure these strict uncles and aunts that you won’t do anything bad again?” They answer: “No.”

Such children are examined at the council, at the commission for minors, summoned to court, placed in a psychiatric hospital, in a colony school. Are these educational measures? This is punishment! The problem is moral, and we are trying to solve it using repressive methods.

- But what to do with such children? If the parents failed, can the state re-educate the teenager?

— About half a century has passed since I studied at school. And then, if a child committed an offense, let alone a crime (I don’t remember that), then few people talked to him. Father to school - and all the talk. It amazes me how difficult it is today to contact parents, especially father. I wish I could at least find my mother. And the reason for children’s delinquency and crime is precisely family relationships: as soon as conflict begins in the family, children become dysfunctional. When asked where it comes from bad behavior, the children themselves answer like this: 1) from their parents, from their upbringing in the family; 2) from the media; 3) from friends and the street; 4) from ourselves. People who are professionally involved in pedagogy, psychology, moral and spiritual education understand what “from oneself” means; this is the extent to which the child absorbs the three previous influences that shape his own consciousness.

In Europe and America there is juvenile justice, but we seem to be lagging behind... When there was a system of raising children, rooted in the traditions of the people, we did not need any juvenile justice. After all, the family was a closed structure, and its problems did not appear outside (the garbage was not taken out of the hut). After the revolution, state ideologists decided: the family is a harmful phenomenon, therefore children should be raised in state institutions. And with this they changed people’s consciousness... Today my mother says: “I sent my child to school - let them raise it!”

Now the problem has worsened, and juvenile crime has become a sad reality. And we need juvenile justice. But I think our country will not necessarily follow the path of the West. He has his own, we have ours. And the West can learn a lot from us. The peculiarity of the trial of a child is that the interrogation cannot be carried out without a psychologist; the defendant’s lawyer must be familiar with the basics of child psychology, with the developmental characteristics of children of this age. It is necessary to take into account the psychology of the development of children's delinquency.

— Discussing the prospects for the introduction of juvenile justice, many are outraged that children have a legally enforceable right to sue their parents. How do you feel about this, and have there been cases in your practice when children should have sued their parents?

— When I worked in psychiatry, there were such examples as exceptions. But, in general, this is, of course, bad. If we don't provide moral education children in the family and school, then no court will help. However, I think that with our mentality, in our conditions, there will be few children who want to sue their parents. The children told me this: “Nadezhda Afanasyevna, why don’t they let mom come to me? If she is deprived of parental rights, isn’t she already a mother?” Adults have the concept of “non-parents,” but it is almost impossible to amputate it in a child. But as he grows up, he will become bitter and take revenge on his parents for his childhood. A study was conducted at one boarding school. Many children from this boarding school have parents who are drunkards and do not work anywhere. But the guys answered that they love their parents. And when they were asked how they would watch them in old age, most of them wrote that they would kill them...

— How justified is the removal of such children from families to orphanages? It is often said that the worst family is better than the best children's institution.

— For children, the manifestation of love is not that the state takes them away from their family in Orphanage, but - to give them timely education so that the child does not develop an intrapersonal conflict, as is now happening due to the lack of spiritual and moral education in early childhood. Such a child sees the world through his distorted consciousness. And it’s difficult for him to make concessions, to compromise... He seems to be living the life of his parents.

- How to be? How to save children from “bad” families if upbringing in a public institution is also not an option?

“We are now trying to save children.” This is the same as, for example, if a ship was sinking, and we began to pump out the water without thinking to fix the leak. Any of our actions (actions, programs, etc.) cannot be called a manifestation of love for children, because love means giving moral and spiritual education from childhood. There is more love not where the child was taken away from the parents, but where the parents were taught how to raise children, the basics were taught family life.

And further. We need to restore the authority of our parents. Previously, they listened to their elders and followed their advice, but today continuity has been lost. But for parents to have authority, they must set a good example for their children and become masters of word and deed. If a father drinks and uses force to demand from the child what he himself does not possess, he will never be an authority. One day, a mother came to Father John of Kronstadt with her eight-year-old son (in modern times - “difficult”) and asked: “Father, help!” He took the child on his lap, rocked him and said: “You are mothers, mothers,” realizing that nothing could be done to help him. Today, even more so, about many neglected cases one can say: hug the child and cry, since they did not understand the need for education in a timely manner. Understand: when oncology is advanced and the operation is useless, who shoots at the surgeons?.. If nothing is done, then today’s schoolchildren will be the same tomorrow. They wouldn't be missed.

Here is a typical case: a mother drinks, and her daughter, locked in a room, collects and eats cockroaches. Nobody knows how long this continues... Is it necessary to infiltrate such a family? Necessary. But “implementation” is only ten percent of the work we have to do. And ninety - forces and resources need to be directed to the training of educators. When we integrate into a family, do we understand how to provide help? What if they don’t expect this help there? Moreover, are they rejected? And it turns out to be a conflict! Help should be given when asked. Moreover, the specialist must have the highest authority, skills, and delicacy so that the help does not look offensive.

— Are you a supporter of soft or hard parenting? Do you think they should be physically punished?

— There must be love and severity. My point of view is that sometimes you can punish. The main thing is to do even this with love. After all, the Scripture says: if you are angry, do not sin. A child, if he is indulged in everything, will be untrained, unadapted, and devoid of willpower. Indulgence relaxes the will, just like TV, by the way. There are children who hold all-night vigils in church. Some adults are indignant: “You are torturing children!” And this child grows up, and he has the strength to withstand a lot, to endure considerable difficulties. And the same with fasting...

— How do you understand the rights of the child? What do they include?

— As Viktor Frankl said, humanity forgot ten rules and came up with ten thousand for every occasion. Read the Gospel commandments, there you will find both the rights of the child and the rights of the parents. In the Christian culture and traditions of our people it was like this: education began with familiarizing children with their responsibilities. As they grew older, their responsibilities towards parents, family, relatives, neighbors, teachers, and society expanded and became more complex. I came across a strong expression in literature: “Rights are given to those who fulfill their duties.” But the modern approach, when children are not introduced to responsibilities, but are told about rights, can hardly be called correct.

— What is your opinion on proposals to lower the age of marriage? After all, you refer to traditions; and before, it used to be that girls were married off at the age of twelve.

— Modern girl In some ways she was ahead of the girls of past centuries in development, but not in her preparedness for family life. I ask a schoolgirl: what is happiness? She responds (and the audience agrees): it's when you're cared for. Our children are “naked” in terms of preparing for life and adapting. Previously a girl From childhood she was prepared for marriage: she learned to sew, wash, cook, that is, she was in labor. How does a girl live today? Beer, cigarettes, swearing. She's only ready for carnal pleasures, only to idleness - both in the city and in the countryside. She is not ready to be a mother. How to revive the maternal instinct in her? We need some strong emotional examples that can touch the depths of the soul.

Today's young mothers, who began early sexual activity with many partners, suffered from sexually transmitted diseases and abortions, give birth to sick children. You can, of course, refer to Chernobyl, ecology, economics, whatever you like, but the spiritual and moral factor is the main one. The media develops the carnal and sexual in children. However, when the moral core of a child’s soul is formed, he needs to talk not about rights, but to build a foundation that will make it possible to resist life’s temptations. Our pious ancestors said: first prepare the inner man, and then the inner man will not take up his own business.