Conflict between fathers and children. Fathers and children: family psychology. Is the conflict between fathers and children eternal? What to do if a parent-child conflict does arise

Every parent, raising their child, dotes on him. The child reciprocates, but until a certain time. At some point, the child moves away from its ancestor. The conflict between fathers and children is an eternal topic. It is impossible to avoid it. But this problem, like any other, is completely solvable. It is enough to find the necessary information, and the conflict between fathers and children will no longer seem insoluble.

What is the conflict

At a certain point, such a conflict is the main problem in Parents clutch their heads, not knowing what to do with a rebellious child. All words and actions that were previously effective are completely useless at this stage. The child is ready to explode for any reason; he reacts negatively to all proposals from his ancestors. As a result, parents and children quarrel. This can lead to very sad consequences (hunger strike, leaving home, suicide). Even temporary alienation can radically change the relationship between relatives. If “cold notes” are already noticeable in your child’s behavior, then it’s time to take certain measures.

Reasons for misunderstanding between parents and children

Misunderstandings can arise for a number of reasons. And most often it is the parent who is to blame. After all, he is much older and, accordingly, more experienced and wiser. Many conflicts can be easily avoided. But adults resist, try to maintain their usual position, so they raise their voices at the child and even raise their hand to him. Naturally, the child goes on a counterattack and does not show his character from the best side.

Reasons for the conflict

Conflict between fathers and children most often arises for the following reasons:

1. Problems at school. Poor academic performance of the child, complaints from teachers about bad behavior, absolute reluctance to do homework.
2. Order in the house. Failure to comply becomes a cause for quarrels between parents and children of almost any age.
3. Lie. Moms and dads are extremely dissatisfied with children's lies. Every child has lied to their parents at least once. After the truth comes out, another scandal occurs.
4. Noise. Children are active by nature, so they create a lot of noise (TV sound, loud music, screaming and audio toys).
5. Disrespectful attitude towards the older generation. This behavior outrages the parents, so they scold the child.
6. Request for gifts. Every parent faces this problem. The child knows only the word “I want”, so an unacquired item becomes a reason for resentment on the part of the child.
7. A teenager's friends very often arouse suspicion from both father and mother. They try to convey this dissatisfaction to the child, who does not want to hear anything about it.
8. Appearance. A child’s unkempt appearance, modern style of clothing and taste very often become the cause of conflict.
9. Pets. A quarrel arises either because the child does not care enough for his pet, or because of his extreme desire to take possession of it.

Conflict through the eyes of a child

Conflict between parents and children most often arises when the latter begins adolescence. This is an incredibly difficult time for both mom and dad and the child himself. The child begins to adjust his character based on the beliefs of friends, high school students, but not his parents. He learns about this world from a different perspective, actively develops physically and begins to be interested in the opposite sex. But, despite the “adult” appearance, the psycho-emotional state of the teenager is very unstable. A carelessly thrown word can develop a whole series of complexes.

The child becomes nervous and closed. He tries to avoid the company of his parents, instead he devotes more time to his friends or prefers to remain alone, locked in his room. Any criticism is rejected immediately. The teenager becomes rude and begins to raise his voice at his father and mother. He experiences frequent mood swings. If the conflict has reached a critical point, then there may be attempts by the child to leave home or deliberate self-harm.

Conflict through the eyes of parents

The parents' line of behavior is also not distinguished by its originality. The reaction can be divided into maternal and paternal.

Mothers react more gently, but more often than not they are the cause of quarrels. In an effort to become her child's best friend, the parent surrounds the child with excessive attention. Opinions are imposed on any issue, from appearance to preferences in music and films. This irritates the child and leads to conflict.

The father's reaction is somewhat different. Dad is the breadwinner in the family. Therefore, he tries to instill in the child concepts such as hard work, the value of things and for the good of the family. The teenager, due to his age, does not understand this and reacts negatively to his father’s upbringing.

What to do if a parent-child conflict does arise?

Urgent action must be taken. There are several solutions for this:

1. Calm conversation in a small circle. At the family council, you should listen to each participant in the conflict. Under no circumstances should you raise your voice or interrupt your interlocutor. It is also undesirable to ask questions while your opponent is speaking. Such dialogue almost always has a positive result.
2. List of rules. All family members distribute responsibilities among themselves and rules of behavior in the house. All points are discussed jointly, and not assigned by the head of the family (or a rebellious teenager).
3. Admit being wrong. The parent really doesn’t like to do this, but it is this step that helps the teenager meet him halfway.

Fathers and sons are a generational conflict familiar to everyone. But it can and should be avoided. To do this, just follow the following tips:

• You should accept the child as he is, you should not impose your tastes and preferences on him;
• It is strictly forbidden to raise your voice at a child;
• it is unacceptable to reproach a child for his achievements;
• a teenager should be punished carefully, without taking harsh measures;
• you need to take an interest in the child’s life carefully, as if by chance;
• do not forget about sentiment (hugs and kisses), but their quantity must be controlled;
• you need to constantly praise the child and focus on his positive traits;
• You can’t force a teenager to do something, you have to ask him.

And, most importantly, do not forget that each person is individual and has his own path and his own destiny.

The eternal conflict between fathers and sons in literature

As already mentioned, this problem is by no means new. The conflict between parents and children is covered by many classics of Russian literature. The most striking example is the novel by I. S. Turgenev “Fathers and Sons,” in which the conflict of generations is described extremely vividly. D. I. Fonvizin wrote the wonderful comedy “The Minor”, ​​A. S. Pushkin - the tragedy “Boris Godunov”, A. S. Griboyedov - “Woe from Wit”. This problem has interested more than one generation. Literary works on this topic are only confirmation of the eternity of the existing conflict and its inevitability.

The generational problem is unpleasant for both sides. You shouldn’t hide in a shell and hope for time that will resolve the conflict between fathers and children. It is worth making concessions, being softer and more attentive. And then children and parents will have incredibly warm and trusting relationships.

The conflict of generations is a phenomenon known to everyone and as old as the world. I’m sure you yourself have encountered its manifestations more than once in your own life. To understand why the conflict between fathers and children is eternal, I propose today to understand the reasons for its occurrence and ways to prevent it.

What is the conflict between fathers and children, and where do its roots “grow”?

In psychology, there are two very similar concepts - generational conflict and conflict between fathers and children. Many of these terms are identified, although there is still a difference between them.

When we talk about generational conflict, we mean misunderstanding between people born in different eras (generations). The main reason for the conflict arising on this basis is a very large temporary “gap”, which greatly prevents people from different generations from understanding each other.

When it comes to the conflict between fathers and children, the difference in the time gap narrows somewhat, since the relationship between only two generations is assumed - fathers and their children. More precisely, not only fathers, but simply parents.

This raises the question: if the difference between generations is not too great - only 20-30 years, then where does the conflict arise from?

Despite the relatively small age difference, conflict between fathers and children is a common phenomenon that begins to manifest itself as soon as the child makes attempts to assert himself.

With the first child’s “I can do it myself,” a certain misunderstanding appears when parents try to be overprotective, and the child strives to independently solve the first problems, for example, putting on a jacket and hat.

And everything would be fine if the conflict was limited to one misunderstanding. As a rule, the conflict between fathers of children manifests itself in other ways:

• Frequent quarrels and squabbles between parents and children.
• The child’s desire to leave his father’s house as soon as possible.
• The reluctance of both sides to listen and listen to each other.
• Mistrust from the closest relatives.

According to statistics, conflict between fathers and children occurs in 85% of families.

It is also said in the myths of the ancient world, which describe the difficult relationships of the gods with their children.

It turns out that difficulties in communication between parents and children are indeed a long-standing phenomenon. So what's stopping you from eradicating it?

The main reason why the conflict between fathers and children is eternal

But why then do people's relationships remain the same? Why can't parents and children find a common language?

Progress is largely to blame here. And here's why: every born person comes into this world at a certain period, when the development of science reaches a certain point. Each subsequent person, that is, the child of a previously born citizen, is also born in his “own” period, when science and technology developed even more.

All this contributes to the fact that the difference between the years of birth of children and their parents greatly influences how the child will be raised and develop.

Take us, for example. We saw our first mobile phones while in school. What about our children? After all, they were just born, and a telephone and free WI-FI are ordinary things for them, and they cannot imagine that it was different. Actually, just like we can’t imagine how people lived before without telephones, televisions, and especially without the Internet.

All this leads to the fact that from birth we have different values ​​and standards of living. What our parents greatly valued is already commonplace for us.

And here the first misunderstanding arises: parents believe that children do not value what they have, and children strive for more, because everything they already have is not so interesting.

As a result, by the age of 25, each person has formed his own package of moral and material values, and it cannot be at all similar to the one that the previous generation had - their parents.

Hence the conflict - parents live a little in the past, and children live in the future. Nothing special, just the laws of nature.

Note: in fact, the conflict between fathers and children is a consequence of human evolution. But, on the other hand, if there were no conflict, then man would not develop. And since it exists, it means that people have been moving forward all the time - towards progress.

This is the main reason that fathers and children do not understand each other, or rather, they often simply do not want to understand.

But this reason is not the only one.

8 alternative factors why the conflict between fathers and children is eternal

These factors often become the causes of conflict between children and their parents.

Despite the fact that the reasons seem to be different, their essence is the same - parents are tired, and their values ​​are radically different. Children are always a little selfish, and they cannot understand the problems of their ancestors.

Conflict arises due to omissions, grievances and unwillingness to speak honestly. And it does not disappear over the years, since each subsequent generation is not at all what it was before.

Why parents and children conflict in our time: a characteristic reason for modern times

But all this did not solve the problem of fathers and children. Why?

Because these days, parents are increasingly devoting themselves to work to please their children: to buy them a new fashionable phone or beautiful clothes. Children often understand them, but this does not change the truth - they are very often deprived of parental attention.

If previously children attended multiple clubs, communicated, and played in the yard, now most of them are busy spending time on social networks.

They live in the virtual world, without communicating with their parents, without being involved in their lives and their past childhood. Communication is severely lost, and another conflict arises.

In this situation, I can understand both parents and children. The former strive for the best for children, the latter - for their own development. But here it is important to find a middle ground - no material benefits can replace a child’s parental warmth, love and spiritual connection.

The desire to eradicate the generational conflict is great among everyone: both parents and children. But what should you do to make the situation improve?

You will find the answers in the advice psychologists give to both children and their parents.

What experts advise children:

• Don’t be angry with your parents - their guardianship is not at all a desire to limit your freedom, it’s just a desire to protect you and protect you from negativity in life.
• Don't run away from conflict or omissions - always be honest and open with your parents. These are the only people who don't wish you harm.
• Be patient - even if parents do not understand much about modern aspects of life, explain to them everything they need. This will calm them down, and they will “lecture” you less.

Psychologists from all over the world also have a couple of practical recommendations for parents:

• Don’t try to protect your child from all troubles; many life lessons are important to learn yourself. No matter how great the desire to take care of a child forever, he needs to be given a little more freedom - after all, he is also a person, he has the right to gain life experience on his own.
• Don't demand more from your children - if a child doesn't want to be a fifth-generation surgeon, don't force him, let him be an influencer.
• Don’t live in the past - I agree that our childhood was more fun than now, but what can we do - we need to adapt to modern conditions and not live in the past.

If we summarize all these recommendations into one, we get universal advice: learn to listen to your children and parents, do not “bend” your line and do not insist on what is obviously wrong. Listen to each other and hear - this is the most important thing.

Then the situation before and after will delight you.

BEFORE	AFTER
Difficult, “strained” relationships, lonely old age and youth, frequent stress, childhood grievances.	Harmonious relationships, support from parents and children, protection and constant care.

How to restore the relationship between fathers and children: step-by-step instructions

As you can see, finding a compromise is not so difficult if you put a minimum of effort into it.

Why does conflict between fathers and children arise? Tips for parents:

An example from life on how to deal with conflict between fathers and children

My friend was a very difficult child as a teenager. Her mother had a very hard time. However, the woman behaved very wisely and always tried to support her daughter so that she would not move away from her.

As a result, when all the difficult times were behind me, my friend admitted all her mistakes and was very grateful to her mother that she did not become hysterical, but tried to help her daughter and find a way out of the situation.

Now they communicate like best friends.

If each of us shows a little patience and respect, I think the conflict between parents and children will disappear without a trace.

Now that we have found out why the conflict between fathers and children is eternal, it’s time to think about your attitude towards your loved ones and take measures to improve them.

Useful article? Don't miss new ones!
Enter your email and receive new articles by email

Most families experience constant conflicts within themselves between family members. This often happens between children and parents. There can be many reasons for this.

Children conflict all the time, trying to defend their point of view, which is so difficult for adults to understand and accept. Children are capable of starting quarrels not only with their mothers, but also with their fathers.

Confrontation between fathers and children has long been a problem for many families. Of course, many will say that they are simply ungrateful. Parents gave them life, give them education, put them on their feet and help them until old age. But having such thoughts when raising a child, parents often come to the conclusion that they begin to constantly control him, impose their thoughts, choose his friends, interests, etc. In the opinion of adults, they do all this for the benefit of their child, and do not really think about it about how much harm they do to the child’s psyche.

Often parents want to nurture unfulfilled dreams in their child, thereby limiting his freedom and opportunities to realize his plans.

All these and other measures in education lead to the fact that children begin to run away from home and rush to become adults and independent. Thus, they show their parents their right to choose their fate.

The most difficult relationship is between fathers and children. Fathers cannot be good or bad, it’s just that each generation has its own developmental psychology and it’s difficult to deal with this.

Even when they are small, children are capricious and cry all the time. Mothers tolerate such mood swings of the child without emotional outbursts, which cannot be said about fathers. Having worked all day at work, he comes home to be with his family, watch TV, read and just relax, and then this happens. Of course, fathers lose their nerve and start yelling at the child, resulting in an endless conflict.

Article Spoiled child - re-education without consequences

As the baby grows up, he will crave freedom more and more, thereby causing even greater conflicts with his father. Fathers, like mothers, want their children to be supervised at all times, regardless of age, and therefore their conversations about a separate life are postponed as far as possible. Children endure, but life under the same roof with mom and dad gradually burdens them and, as a result, a conflict arises. Most clearly on this basis, it occurs in a conversation with his father. Mothers are more accommodating and try to please their child and find a compromise, but fathers are afraid of such independence.

The solution in such a situation would be to build a unified team. Fathers must learn to trust their child and distinguish between his views on life. By becoming not only a parent, but also a friend for your child, you can be sure that he will work towards the common goal of the family and take an appropriate place in society.

If fathers continue to maintain their authority, the conflict may flare up with such force that the child will simply leave the family nest. Sometimes children even break off any ties with their families because of this behavior; it all depends on the child’s temperament. As a result, both parties will receive psychological trauma that will negatively affect the future life of the child.

Fathers and sons have been in conflict for centuries. The elders are always annoyed by loud music, the constant arrival of friends, late returns, etc. This is where the struggle for power begins. Some psychologists believe that this occurs due to frequent stress. Therefore, in order to prevent hostility between fathers and children, adults need to pay attention to themselves, relax, and rest. If the children are small, you can ask to be a relative with them, while you and your wife go to a restaurant, to the lake, or for a walk in the park. During solitudes, there is no need to start talking about children; it is better to devote this time only to yourself.

The problem of relationships between generations is very acute. Almost every schoolchild, if you ask him about it, will say that in his family there is some kind of misunderstanding between adults and children. It’s good when mothers and fathers try to respect the child’s opinion, and the child himself does not once again provoke adults into a scandal. But there are often cases when pride on both sides forces members of the same family to enter into serious conflict with each other. Parents do not hear their children, children do not want to understand their parents. What are the causes of conflict between representatives of different generations?

There are many reasons why the problem of “fathers and sons” arises. I believe that the main one is different views on life. Indeed, each generation has its own principles and ideals. This is understandable. Each era leaves its mark on those living in this particular time. Therefore, those fashion trends that were observed fifty years ago will be ridiculous in the eyes of the current generation. Many books have even been written about this. Among them, a special place is occupied by the novel by I.S. Turgenev "Fathers and Sons".

It is in this work that there is a conflict between fathers and children based on different judgments about the world and views on life. and his friend Arkady Kirsanov are representatives of the younger generation. They pursue the ideas of nihilism, a popular trend among the youth of Turgenev's era. Nihilism implies the denial of higher values: love, friendship, art, the power of nature, the sense of beauty. Of course, the older generation, represented by the aristocrats, the Kirsanov brothers, will not understand these newfangled ideas of the youth. Conflict is inevitable, as each of the heroes defends their point of view and view of the world.

A similar situation is observed in the comedy by A.S. Griboyedov "Woe from Wit". Here the reader gets acquainted with the past century, that is, with the Famusov society, led by the unenlightened Famusov, and the present century, with a young and educated man. The older generation is raised in such a way that their highest values ​​are moving up the career ladder, getting a good rank, and accumulating wealth. The most interesting thing is that everyone from the Famusov society sees this as the goal of life, but does not want to seriously work on it. They are not interested in books and education, and the work itself is not interesting.

They prefer to discard the book as an unnecessary thing and avoid work as much as possible. Chatsky is a supporter of other ideas and rules. He is happy to serve, but does not want to do it in the same way as the older generation. Chatsky is educated, not stupid, and continues to develop further, finding great value in this. Different views of the world and place in it play out the conflict between representatives of different generations. But Chatsky is alone against the whole society. He will not win this battle of opinions.

Thus, the main reason for the conflict between fathers and children is different views on life and values. Each generation has its own reasoning, thoughts and opinions. It is because of this that the conflict between elders and younger ones is inevitable and will be repeated with each new generation.

Direction "Fathers and Sons".

The relationship between fathers and children is a problem of the past century and the present century. At the heart of this problem is the gap between generations, which does not allow them to come to a common opinion and understand each other.

Parents and children are two different poles. It is very difficult for them to come to an agreement. Especially when neither party is willing to compromise, put themselves in the other’s shoes and try to understand them. Often the younger generation does not want to listen to the advice of their elders and considers their opinions and statements outdated and meaningless. Unfortunately, children increasingly forget about respect and honor for their parents. And the elders, in turn, look at the behavior and position of the new generation from the prism of their time. Based on this point of view, they find the children’s behavior unacceptable. They impose their opinion, which they consider the only true and correct one. They do not want to accept new ideas and views, they strive to preserve the old way of life, the old foundations. As a result of these actions, relations between generations become disharmonious. It would seem, what is the way out? And does he exist at all? Yes, I have. The only solution to the problem is to look at the situation from the other side and find a compromise.

This problem has worried writers at all times. I.S. Turgenev dedicated a work to her with the telling title “Fathers and Sons.” The conflict between fathers and children runs like a red thread throughout the novel. The younger generation is mainly represented by Evgeny Bazarov. Its main antagonist is Pavel Petrovich Kirsanov. The characters conflict on a variety of topics: political, social, moral. The disputes between Bazarov and Kirsanov reveal the essence of the conflict. They help the reader understand how the characters differ and on what issues their opinions differ. Bazarov, a representative of the new generation, adheres to the position of nihilism, denying the existence and benefit of everything immaterial. He did not understand how much pleasure music, reading and admiring nature could bring. Pavel Petrovich did not accept the views of the nihilist. The aristocrat appreciated poetry, painting, and observed the traditions inherent in a nobleman. Belonging to different social classes, the heroes have different attitudes towards their appearance. As for politics, here Bazarov again opposes the state structure, accusing aristocrats of idleness and empty talk. His antagonist does not want a change in the state order and does not see any flaws in them. Speaking about the people, Kirsanov states that Bazarov knows nothing about ordinary people, peasants, who, like him, “piously honor traditions, he is patriarchal...”. A conversation on any topic turned into an argument. We see how people belonging not only to different classes, but also to different generations cannot come to a common opinion or understand each other. Young people are open to innovations and changes in life, while the older generation honors the past, strives to preserve the old way of life, not wanting and not being able to accept and understand the new. This is the main reason for all conflicts.

Thus, we can conclude that the basis of the disharmonious relationship between parents and children is the gap between generations, which does not allow parents to understand the new foundations, views and opinions of their children, and for children to understand the old ways and traditions of their parents. It is important to understand and accept the position of the other, to hear him and come to a common opinion.