Bayard, Bayard: Your restless teenager. A practical guide for desperate parents. Robert T. Bayard, Jean Bayard Your Restless Teen A Practical Guide for Desperate Parents Your Restless

Robert T. Bayard, Jean Bayard

Your restless teenager

Practical guide for desperate parents

To the reader

Four years have passed since the publication of the first edition of the book by Robert and Jean Bayard in Russian. A lot has changed in our lives over the years. Some problems disappear in it without a trace, others, new problems have appeared. There is, however, a certain circle of "eternal" human concerns that remain in our lives, no matter what happens around us. These are parent-child relationships, difficulties and conflicts. In this sense, the book by R. and J. Bayard, addressed to parents, cannot become outdated: there will always be families with teenage children, and there will always be among them those where parents "reached the handle" and no longer know what to do with their "restless" teenagers" and whether there will ever be an end to all this "family hell".

Books for parents are different. From some you can learn a lot of new things, they broaden your horizons, enrich you with information from philosophy, psychology, pedagogy, and medicine. However, often such knowledge cannot find direct practical application in your relationships with children. After reading such books, you will learn how parents should relate to certain family situations.

But what are you going to do with your son (your daughter) today?

As a rule, this question is not answered in such books.

There are, however, books for parents of a completely different kind. These books can be called a kind of "know-how" (from the English "I know how"). They contain not just information-knowledge, but also information that organizes your behavior, your communication, your life.

Such books (and they are usually called practical guides) are quite rare. Writing a how-to guide is much more difficult than a typical book; in order for it to be realistic and effective, a large, generalized and in a certain way systematized practical experience is needed.

Lucky for you, you hold in your hands a real practical guide to improving communication between parents and teens.

In the short preface of the translator it is impossible, and, in our opinion, it is not necessary to retell the content of the book. To get an idea about it, just look at the page where its table of contents is presented. At the same time, there are several important considerations that should nevertheless precede your acquaintance with this book.

Consideration the first. The book by R. and J. Bayard is a psychotechnical know-how. Such practical guidance should not be confused with other types of know-how. When you use, for example, a VCR instruction manual or a cookbook, such "know-how" helps you make certain, as a rule, expedient changes in the external world of things around you. At first glance, psychotechnical guidance also tells you what and how to do outside, with other people. However, in reality it is primarily intended to transform your own inner world. Psychotechnical know-how is a practical guide to self-change! Here, of course, you will ask: “Why should I change when my son should change? My daughter?"

This is where our second consideration comes into play. The answer to your perplexed question is paradoxical, but very simple: according to the ideas of modern psychology and psychotherapy, in order to change another person, you need to accept him as he is - and how, apparently, you cannot accept him yet. That is, in order to successfully influence another, you first need to change yourself! “Changing myself, I change others” - this is the credo of the authors of the book. They address this book to the desperate parents of "restless" teenagers who have tried everything, it would seem. As it turns out, there is another way. And this remedy, not yet tested by you (as you will be able to see for yourself after working for some time with this practical guide), has a very strong and beneficial effect. And finally, the third consideration.

My personal experience work as a counseling psychologist shows that patience is not one of the common parenting virtues ... We usually want to achieve immediate positive changes in our children. Miracles, of course, do happen, but they are extremely rare; usually it takes effort, perseverance, everyday and sometimes quite painstaking work, returns and repetitions, moving step by step, etc. The road will be mastered by the walking ...

Your relationship problems with your children have been building up over the years; and although it is possible to overcome the difficulties that have arisen, but ... only not in one or two days, but at least in one or two months of serious work under the guidance of the authors of the book.

Concluding this brief appeal to you, parent reader, I would like to wish you trust in the authors of the book, self-criticism, perseverance in achieving your goals and - at least a little sense of humor. I have complete confidence that these qualities, combined with the experience of Robert and Jean Bayard, will provide wonders for your individual family.

With the kindest parting words, Candidate of Psychological Sciences A. B. Orlov

Foreword

If you have concerns or concerns about your teenage child, then we are pleased to meet you and offer you this book as a means to lighten your burden.

Don't feel alone: ​​there are thousands of parents going through much the same problems, and it's very likely that some of them - your neighbors and friends - are very close by. You may not realize that you are in such a large company: in our society, a parent is supposed to feel a sense of shame when a son or daughter misses school, or gets drunk, or otherwise misbehaves; therefore, even friends are not inclined to talk about the misdeeds of children and the experiences associated with them. Showing you their disposition, they can still ask at a meeting: “Well, how are the children?” - however, your answer usually boils down to talking about socially acceptable behavior in children, and by no means about disobedience, skirmishes, coming home at night, missing classes. For a parent, allowing negative facts to become known is like receiving a negative assessment. Everyone you know has the same fears, which is why everyone prefers to remain silent, experiencing alone feelings of loneliness and despair.

We, Bob and Jean Bayard, have gone through all of this ourselves and therefore have a special interest in those situations in which parents feel like they are under siege. It is extremely important for us which of the two ways you get out of them. You almost certainly believe that the problem lies in the behavior of your child, and its solution is to somehow change the child, make him behave differently; however, you will be just as likely to cope with the problem before you if you see it as an opportunity to change something in your own life, to expand its boundaries, to learn how to take better care of it. In this book, we will tell you how to go the second way for the benefit of you and your child.

We did not always feel as confident as we do now, we did not know how to deal with conflict situations. We raised five children and during that time we did almost everything (both reasonable and stupid) that we talk about in the book. About the same thing that our children did, let them someday tell themselves. Respecting their right to privacy, we will describe only what we ourselves have lived and experienced, faced, like the parents we consulted, with the widest palette of children's behavior, which for many years has colored our lives with experiences.

When we raised our first two children almost to adulthood, it seemed to us that we still had a lot of unspent father-mother feelings. (Maybe we also wanted to prove that we can be good parents and, therefore, worthy people?) With a sense of joy and a sense of new horizons, we adopted three more children from Korea into the family; one of them was eleven, and the other two were five years old. By the time all five had grown up and were ready for an independent life, we already had thirty years of uninterrupted practice of raising children.

Current page: 1 (the book has 15 pages in total)

Robert T. Bayard, Jean Bayard

Your restless teenager

A Practical Guide for Desperate Parents

To the reader

Four years have passed since the publication of the first edition of the book by Robert and Jean Bayard in Russian. A lot has changed in our lives over the years. Some problems disappear in it without a trace, others, new problems have appeared. There is, however, a certain circle of "eternal" human concerns that remain in our lives, no matter what happens around us. These are parent-child relationships, difficulties and conflicts. In this sense, the book by R. and J. Bayard, addressed to parents, cannot become outdated: there will always be families with teenage children, and there will always be among them those where parents "reached the handle" and no longer know what to do with their "restless" teenagers" and whether there will ever be an end to all this "family hell".

Books for parents are different. From some you can learn a lot of new things, they broaden your horizons, enrich you with information from philosophy, psychology, pedagogy, and medicine. However, often such knowledge cannot find direct practical application in your relationships with children. After reading such books, you will learn how parents should relate to certain family situations.

But what are you going to do with your son (your daughter) today?

As a rule, this question is not answered in such books.

There are, however, books for parents of a completely different kind. These books can be called a kind of "know-how" (from the English "I know how"). They contain not just information-knowledge, but also information that organizes your behavior, your communication, your life.

Such books (and they are usually called practical guides) are quite rare. Writing a how-to guide is much more difficult than a typical book; in order for it to be realistic and effective, a large, generalized and in a certain way systematized practical experience is needed.

Lucky for you, you hold in your hands a real practical guide to improving communication between parents and teens.

In the short preface of the translator it is impossible, and, in our opinion, it is not necessary to retell the content of the book. To get an idea about it, just look at the page where its table of contents is presented. At the same time, there are several important considerations that should nevertheless precede your acquaintance with this book.

Consideration the first. The book by R. and J. Bayard is a psychotechnical know-how. Such practical guidance should not be confused with other types of know-how. When you use, for example, a VCR instruction manual or a cookbook, such "know-how" helps you make certain, as a rule, expedient changes in the external world of things around you. At first glance, psychotechnical guidance also tells you what and how to do outside, with other people. However, in reality it is primarily intended to transform your own inner world. Psychotechnical know-how is a practical guide to self-change! Here, of course, you will ask: “Why should I change when my son should change? My daughter?"

This is where our second consideration comes into play. The answer to your perplexed question is paradoxical, but very simple: according to the ideas of modern psychology and psychotherapy, in order to change another person, you need to accept him as he is - and how, apparently, you cannot accept him yet. That is, in order to successfully influence another, you first need to change yourself! “Changing myself, I change others” - this is the credo of the authors of the book. They address this book to the desperate parents of "restless" teenagers who have tried everything, it would seem. As it turns out, there is another way. And this remedy, not yet tested by you (as you will be able to see for yourself after working for some time with this practical guide), has a very strong and beneficial effect. And finally, the third consideration.

My personal experience as a counseling psychologist shows that patience is not one of the common parenting virtues ... We usually want to achieve immediate positive changes in our children. Miracles, of course, do happen, but they are extremely rare; usually it takes effort, perseverance, everyday and sometimes quite painstaking work, returns and repetitions, movement step by step, etc. The road will be mastered by the walking ...

Your relationship problems with your children have been building up over the years; and although it is possible to overcome the difficulties that have arisen, but ... only not in one or two days, but at least in one or two months of serious work under the guidance of the authors of the book.

Concluding this brief appeal to you, parent reader, I would like to wish you trust in the authors of the book, self-criticism, perseverance in achieving your goals and - at least a little sense of humor. I have complete confidence that these qualities, combined with the experience of Robert and Jean Bayard, will provide wonders for your individual family.

With the kindest parting words, Candidate of Psychological Sciences A. B. Orlov

Foreword

If you have concerns or concerns about your teenage child, then we are pleased to meet you and offer you this book as a means to lighten your burden.

Don't feel alone: ​​there are thousands of parents going through much the same problems, and it's very likely that some of them - your neighbors and friends - are very close by. You may not realize that you are in such a large company: in our society, a parent is supposed to feel a sense of shame when a son or daughter misses school, or gets drunk, or otherwise misbehaves; therefore, even friends are not inclined to talk about the misdeeds of children and the experiences associated with them. Showing you their disposition, they can still ask at a meeting: “Well, how are the children?” - however, your answer usually boils down to talking about socially acceptable behavior in children, and by no means about disobedience, skirmishes, coming home at night, missing classes. For a parent, allowing negative facts to become known is like receiving a negative assessment. Everyone you know has the same fears, which is why everyone prefers to remain silent, experiencing alone feelings of loneliness and despair.

We, Bob and Jean Bayard, have gone through all of this ourselves and therefore have a special interest in those situations in which parents feel like they are under siege. It is extremely important for us which of the two ways you get out of them. You almost certainly believe that the problem lies in the behavior of your child, and its solution is to somehow change the child, make him behave differently; however, you will be just as likely to cope with the problem before you if you see it as an opportunity to change something in your own life, to expand its boundaries, to learn how to take better care of it. In this book, we will tell you how to go the second way for the benefit of you and your child.

We did not always feel as confident as we do now, we did not know how to deal with conflict situations. We raised five children and during that time we did almost everything (both reasonable and stupid) that we talk about in the book. About the same thing that our children did, let them someday tell themselves. Respecting their right to privacy, we will describe only what we ourselves have lived and experienced, faced, like the parents we consulted, with the widest palette of children's behavior, which for many years has colored our lives with experiences.

When we raised our first two children almost to adulthood, it seemed to us that we still had a lot of unspent father-mother feelings. (Maybe we also wanted to prove that we can be good parents and, therefore, worthy people?) With a sense of joy and a sense of new horizons, we adopted three more children from Korea into the family; one of them was eleven, and the other two were five years old. By the time all five had grown up and were ready for an independent life, we already had thirty years of uninterrupted practice of raising children.

Throughout this time, our parenting experience has been one of ups and downs. There were times when the kids "behaved great" and then we also felt great. At other times they did what this book is about, and then we were really miserable: resentful, angry, trapped. Each case of this kind evoked in us deep and very unpleasant experiences. For Bob, they meant something like this: “Something is wrong with me. I cannot establish good and intimate relationships with my children. They don't see me as a person." For Jean, it was guilt and fear: “I must be a bad person. I have to devote my whole life to children. Instead, I work at a school or work somewhere else. Thus, I deprive the children, so they do not behave as they should. For a long time we were ashamed of all these experiences and suffered alone. Much later, the understanding came: all these are just erroneous stereotypes of thinking, although they have enslaved, in our opinion, many parents, but nevertheless it is quite amenable to alteration.

To help us overcome the difficulties that we had to experience in raising children, we tried everything we could find and in which we saw at least some hope.

We read books about parenting. Some of them were very good. Most of the books, however, didn't touch on the guilt you felt at all, only talking about what parents should do for their children, and we became more and more convinced that our lives in and of themselves meant nothing at all.

We've been taking kids to expensive psychotherapy sessions for years. Perhaps this helped in some way, but the main and obvious result for us was as follows: our children gradually began to believe that they were “patients”, something was wrong with them, and every time they to achieve in their lives, they need help. We were so ashamed of our seeking help from counselors that we never told our relatives and friends about it.

We took a special training course based on Dr. Thomas Gordon's Parent Effectiveness Training. Here for the first time we felt real help. This course marked the beginning of our formation as equal members of our own family and allowed us to see interesting, intelligent and responsible people in children.

We studied the psychology of family life and psychotherapy at the university, received degrees in psychology. We started working as professional counselors for families (teenagers and their parents) in crisis situations. By now we have dealt with many hundreds of resentful, rebellious, angry, depressed or stubborn teenagers and many hundreds of their usually desperate parents. Much of what we had to deal with was familiar from our own personal experience, and we felt that we could understand the problems and experiences of our clients.

In the course of working with crisis situations in families, we noticed that it was the parents who became concerned when family matters deteriorated. It is extremely rare for teenagers themselves to turn to us for help. Usually they did this in order to get rid of addiction to drugs or alcohol, for example, but very, very few people asked for help to get rid of bad company, habits of lying, stealing, skipping school, running away from home, etc. e. When children committed such misdeeds, it was the parents who became desperate and called for help.

That is why we address this book to parents.

We thought, worked, suffered, and coped as best we could while raising our five children. We have gone through all the climaxes of despondency and hope, hostility and exultation, helplessness and triumph. All our problems and the experiences associated with them were especially intensified, literally reaching their climax when each of our children became a teenager. Then it seemed that it was impossible to live like this any longer.

But one day - and this is one of the hopes we would like to plant in the heart of every parent - our struggle began to weaken. We noticed (at first only occasionally) that it actually became easier for us to communicate and live with children. Humorous notes penetrated our relationship; what children said or did sometimes struck us with its humanity and full of such pathos that we began to understand them and could not hide our smiles, even if we were worried and shook our heads disapprovingly. Pleasant moments that pleasantly surprised us began to happen more and more often; children in different ways, but each time meaningfully made it clear that they love us; each of them did something good and worthy, which parents are usually proud of. And we finally felt in full agreement with our children.

At first we thought: all this is happening because the children have finally matured. They have certainly changed; but only later did we realize that not only they had become different, but we ourselves. Our children have always been obedient and obsequious, kind and obnoxious, caring and selfish. Having matured, they, of course, have changed in many ways, but as our attitude towards them improved, we gradually stopped expecting or wanting anything from children (which, by the way, they contributed to in one way or another). At the same time, children acted as our patient teachers, doing everything to free us from these expectations and give us the opportunity to enjoy them as they are. We owe a lot to this joint development of ours, without which we would have lived our whole life with our somewhat comfortable, but at the same time very inert parental prejudices. Children have helped us open new horizons and enter a wider world.

The main thing that this book can do, in our opinion, is to encourage you as a parent to see both in a particular problem and in your relationship with your child as a whole not so much proof of some flaws or mistakes of the child as an influence that encourages you to develop and change, and at the same time giving you the opportunity to do so. Despite the heartache, you may even welcome this problem as one of those challenges that are thrown at you not by your child, but by your own life.

Without claiming, of course, that we have exhaustive “answers” ​​on how to resolve each specific situation, we, however, have extensive practical experience and have repeatedly had the opportunity to observe the states of happiness and responsibility of both parents and children. Based on this experience, we can tell you what we would most likely try to do if we were in your position. We are convinced that the approach we propose (if, of course, you follow it) can lead to a significant and positive change in your relationship with your child.

At times it will probably be difficult, even unbearable.

It will require some changes in the way you think.

It can also have an uplifting effect, bringing you a sense of advancement and release.

We suggest you start by spending a couple of evenings reading this book. Try to calmly read it from cover to cover - both the main text, and the exercises, and examples - in order to feel its general mood, which will give you hope and a sense that everything will be fine. Then go back to the beginning of the book and study its contents step by step. We advise you to work on the book sequentially, since doing what is said at the end of the manual should be done only after having previously mastered and worked through its early sections, which will allow you to create some groundwork or foundation.

And finally, be kind and forgiving to yourself. You can count on our understanding if you fail to do any of the things that we advise you in the book, because we also failed a lot during the crises that happened to us with children. If we had to go through all this again and we knew what we know now, we would no doubt follow our recommendations. However, we had to learn from our own experience - and this is not an easy teaching. In the course of it, many mistakes were made. We tried to forgive ourselves for these mistakes. We hope that you will forgive yourself for everything that you cannot do; and what you succeed, let it give you confidence. We wanted you to become at least a little more yourself after reading this book, to be more capable of creativity and change than before.

Putting the Problem in Perspective

It's been a difficult time for you. You are frustrated, worried, maybe even angry about the way your teen is behaving. In the eyes of the world, your problem may seem private, personal, and very insignificant.

Jody doesn't seem to have any self-confidence at all. She spends most of her time in her room, and during dinner she has a hard time talking to us.

But it can be so significant that others around - the school, the police - are involved in its solution.

Dan was detained by the police for driving someone else's car without a permit.

In any case, for you, all such situations seem significant, making you worry about how it all ends, what he or she will do next; and perhaps wonder how you yourself will live with this person until he or she reaches adulthood.

What happens in your family may resemble any of the following cases that worried parents told us about in their complaints:

Tom (14 years old) steals money, liquor, jewelry from us.

Jan (13) spends all her time away from home and may not even come to sleep if she feels like it.

He doesn't want to do anything around the house. Makes a mess in the room, in the kitchen, everywhere and is not going to clean up after himself.

I know that Linda (14) smokes marijuana.

She (12) hooked up with guys who are much older than her; they don't know what to do with them, and just wander around like real vagrants.

Ann (16) has already had two abortions. Now she is pregnant for the third time.

Jerry (14) joined the Boy Scouts, but as soon as I paid for his uniform, he left the organization. Lying is what I can't stand. I can't believe anything that Karen (14) passes off as the truth.

Maurice (15) does not want to go to school, he has been missing several weeks for the last two years.

Meredith (12) was arrested for shoplifting.

Dona (17) always wants to be alone. She sits alone in her room for hours.

He (16) does not want to be a member of our family. He doesn't want to go anywhere with us and usually doesn't even want to talk to any of us.

My son (14) ran away from home, he lived with his friend for six days.

Dave (13) swears. He calls me words that no boy dares even utter in the presence of his mother.

All this, of course, scares parents, because it means the following for them:

My son or my daughter is getting worse

I turned out to be a bad parent

and also possibly:

My child does not love me. People will know about my fiasco. He got the better of me. I am doomed to live like this with this person for another three years (or five, or seven years), and there is no way out of this situation.

In addition to experiencing all these painful thoughts, you may feel completely broken, because it may seem that nothing can be done about the current situation. You have probably already tried everything you could think of and only found that none of the remedies are long enough. Have you tried to discipline your son or daughter:

Okay, now you have to stay at home.

You've put it back on, so now you'll be at home all summer.

Or did you try to use "incentives":

I'll give you five dollars if you never miss school this week.

I'll let you go to the picnic if you change after school.

Or did you use the usual parental requirements and directives:

Annie, you have to go to school and do your homework. If you don't do this, you won't be able to get a decent job later, the job you want to have.

Stealing is wrong and you shouldn't do it. Don't you dare treat your mother like that.

You may have tried strict supervision:

I'm going to wake you up at 6:30, then drive you to school, bring you to your class, and pick you up right after class.

You might decide that perhaps your child needs understanding and love, and tried to talk heart to heart with him, express your concern to him or her:

Carl, why are you doing this? Let's discuss this. I love you.

You could go to counseling with your child and as a result find first a short-term improvement in his behavior, and then worsening again (or there was no improvement at all, or he refused to go to counseling).

You may also have had the feeling that since none of the remedies offered by society worked for you, something must be wrong in yourself:

“What am I doing wrong? Where did I make a mistake?

"I should have been here with you when you were little."

“Maybe all this is happening because you only have me; I have deprived you of your father with my divorce.”

Etc.

For a parent, all this creates an extremely painful situation. It traumatizes with feelings of concern, helplessness, humiliation, guilt. It is to this pain that we address in this book. And we want to tell you that it is not necessary to torture yourself like that.

We are convinced that if you truly work through and master the approach that this book offers you, you will be able to improve your situation and at the same time do your best to provide a teenager with best conditions for development.

In fact, there can be positive moments even in your current painful situation. The more difficult the situation with your child is for you, the more it hurts you, injures you, the more strength and energy you are ready to invest in resolving it and changing the initial situation. We will ask you to try very unusual means of education, to change in some way your way of thinking; and this may encourage you to ignore our recommendations. However, your anguish and your desperation may force you to try at least some of these new approaches. Therefore, it is negative experiences that will be the reason due to which you can join a less limited and happier lifestyle - both for you and for your child.

Suppose now that something about your teenage child's behavior upsets you and you want to figure out how to proceed in this situation. We will describe such a method, which includes five or six stages, each of which will be devoted to one or two chapters.

We advise you to take seriously the sequence in the study of these stages. Only having mastered the first stage, you can move on to the second, because any subsequent stage assumes that you have mastered the content of all the previous ones to a certain extent.

To begin with, it is advisable that you skim through the book briefly enough to get a general idea of ​​it; then take it seriously, going through it step by step.

So, you are now in a difficult, painful stage, it developed gradually, and all family members took part in its occurrence in one way or another, so it cannot be resolved with the help of a few superficial tricks and techniques. On the other hand, given your promise to work on this situation seriously and consistently, stage by stage, it is hoped that within 6-4 weeks you yourself will see positive changes in the current state of affairs. Continued effort on your part over several months is likely to result in further improvement.

Before we begin, one note about the levels of parent involvement in this work. If you are a single parent, then your efforts will almost certainly yield positive results. If two parents are involved in the upbringing of a child, then there is a certain advantage in both of them adopting the approach presented in the book. However, if your partner refuses to participate in this work, then this still cannot prevent you from doing everything alone. In any case, in our experience, improving the initial relationship with the child depends on how sincerely and consistently you will do everything that we suggest in this book.

Now we are ready to start. The first stage of work is to calm and cheer yourself up.

We have found that when working to improve a particular situation in your relationship with your child, it is important to allow yourself to believe in the very possibility of such improvement - and for this you need to learn to relax, see perspective in your situation and gain a certain degree of inner peace.

When you feel worried, frustrated, angry, you are more likely to act impulsively and do things that are actually the exact opposite of what you really want. Therefore, we will ask you to take a few minutes now to put yourself in the mood most suitable for achieving a positive result. You will enter the best way if you start to act from the initial state of inner peace and relaxation.

You may have your own ways to achieve this state. Perhaps you meditate regularly, for example, or you know that walking a few miles or half an hour of quiet solitude will relax you and give you a greater perspective. Maybe you regularly do some exercises that allow you to regain freshness and relax. In this case, we ask you to do all of this before you start working on the book, I repeat these exercises every time you find yourself in a difficult situation. In case you want to try some of our self-soothing techniques, we have included some exercises in the book that we find very helpful.

They may seem too simple to you, but this circumstance should not prevent you from experiencing for yourself: these exercises, if you really learn how to perform them, can be very effective and efficient. We found that there is only one factor that really prevents successful self-soothing, and that factor is the failure to understand that self-soothing can be achieved arbitrarily.

Most people do not realize that they create their own mood and therefore can change it - and that such changes are quite natural and normal. If you allow yourself, you can very well put yourself in the following calm mood: “In general, everything is fine; Now let's see what I can do about this problem."

We've seen people do it and we've done it ourselves, so we're sure you can do it too. In order to calm yourself before you start directly dealing with your child's problem, do the following exercises:

First exercise

Sitting in a chair, try to relax all the muscles (except those needed to maintain your posture and hold the book). One of the strange habits that most adults develop when they find themselves in unpleasant or stressful situations is to tighten their muscles. Tense muscles do not contribute to the way out of a negative situation, on the contrary, they, as it were, enclose you even more in it. That's why you should learn the exact opposite reaction: relax the muscles in all those cases when discomfort or stress arises. By doing this, we will be in a much better position to resolve or change the problem that has arisen.

By practicing this reaction, you will be able to relax almost completely in a second or two. However, if you consider all this just a waste of time, then we are almost guaranteed that in the future you will consider this skill insignificant. Most likely, after trying to relax once or twice, you will then completely stop doing it. So we ask you to do a more systematic relaxation exercise now and repeat it over and over again in the days and weeks to come until it becomes like second nature to you.

And every time, as soon as any problem arises in front of you, you will free all your muscles from excessive tension. Relaxing the muscles will make it almost impossible for the normal course of a stressful situation to take place, since you will no longer be able to react to this situation in the way you did before.

Perhaps if you relax completely, you will not even be able to get angry or feel anxious. Muscle relaxation can also be beneficial to your physical health.

Right now, sitting in a chair, first tighten all the muscles at the same time, as far as you can, and try to maintain this tension for about ten seconds. Sit as tensely and stiffly as possible during this time. Then let the tension gradually go away - let your body limply limp in the chair. At the same time, notice what sensations all this is accompanied by, how slow and deep the breath is after you have begun to release tension, and how then you feel the release of tension.

Now, while still sitting quietly in your chair, spend at least ten minutes deepening your state of relaxation, mentally observing each part of your body and allowing it to relax even more. As you allow each part of your body to relax even more, allow a sense of inner peace to flow throughout your body.

“Now the toes are relaxing (as you allow them to become even more limp). Now the arches of the feet are relaxed. Now - heels. Now the ankles are relaxed. Now the muscles of the calves and lower legs are even more relaxed. ”

Continuing in this way - slowly and gently - mentally moving through all parts of the body, if necessary, return to some of them until you feel that you have reached a level of relaxation that satisfies you in the whole body.

Robert T. Bayard, Jean Bayard

Your restless teenager

A Practical Guide for Desperate Parents

To the reader

Four years have passed since the publication of the first edition of the book by Robert and Jean Bayard in Russian. A lot has changed in our lives over the years. Some problems disappear in it without a trace, others, new problems have appeared. There is, however, a certain circle of "eternal" human concerns that remain in our lives, no matter what happens around us. These are parent-child relationships, difficulties and conflicts. In this sense, the book by R. and J. Bayard, addressed to parents, cannot become outdated: there will always be families with teenage children, and there will always be among them those where parents "reached the handle" and no longer know what to do with their "restless" teenagers" and whether there will ever be an end to all this "family hell".

Books for parents are different. From some you can learn a lot of new things, they broaden your horizons, enrich you with information from philosophy, psychology, pedagogy, and medicine. However, often such knowledge cannot find direct practical application in your relationships with children. After reading such books, you will learn how parents should relate to certain family situations.

But what are you going to do with your son (your daughter) today?

As a rule, this question is not answered in such books.

There are, however, books for parents of a completely different kind. These books can be called a kind of "know-how" (from the English "I know how"). They contain not just information-knowledge, but also information that organizes your behavior, your communication, your life.

Such books (and they are usually called practical guides) are quite rare. Writing a how-to guide is much more difficult than a typical book; in order for it to be realistic and effective, a large, generalized and in a certain way systematized practical experience is needed.

Lucky for you, you hold in your hands a real practical guide to improving communication between parents and teens.

In the short preface of the translator it is impossible, and, in our opinion, it is not necessary to retell the content of the book. To get an idea about it, just look at the page where its table of contents is presented. At the same time, there are several important considerations that should nevertheless precede your acquaintance with this book.

Consideration the first. The book by R. and J. Bayard is a psychotechnical know-how. Such practical guidance should not be confused with other types of know-how. When you use, for example, a VCR instruction manual or a cookbook, such "know-how" helps you make certain, as a rule, expedient changes in the external world of things around you. At first glance, psychotechnical guidance also tells you what and how to do outside, with other people. However, in reality it is primarily intended to transform your own inner world. Psychotechnical "know-how" is a practical guide to self-change! Here, of course, you will ask: “Why should I change when my son should change? My daughter?"

This is where our second consideration comes into play. The answer to your perplexed question is paradoxical, but very simple: according to the ideas of modern psychology and psychotherapy, in order to change another person, you must accept him as he is - and how, apparently, you cannot accept him yet. That is, in order to successfully influence another, you first need to change yourself! “Changing myself, I change others” - this is the credo of the authors of the book. They address this book to the desperate parents of "restless" teenagers who have tried everything, it would seem. As it turns out, there is another way. And this remedy, not yet tested by you (as you will be able to see for yourself after working for some time with this practical guide), has a very strong and beneficial effect. And finally, the third consideration.

My personal experience as a counseling psychologist shows that patience is not one of the common parenting virtues ... We usually want to achieve immediate positive changes in our children. Miracles, of course, do happen, but they are extremely rare; usually it takes effort, perseverance, everyday and sometimes quite painstaking work, returns and repetitions, movement step by step, etc. The road will be mastered by the walking ...

Your relationship problems with your children have been building up over the years; and although it is possible to overcome the difficulties that have arisen, but ... only not in one or two days, but at least in one or two months of serious work under the guidance of the authors of the book.

Concluding this brief appeal to you, parent reader, I would like to wish you trust in the authors of the book, self-criticism, perseverance in achieving your goals and - at least a little sense of humor. I have complete confidence that these qualities, combined with the experience of Robert and Jean Bayard, will provide wonders for your individual family.

With the kindest parting words, Candidate of Psychological Sciences A. B. Orlov

Foreword

If you have concerns or concerns about your teenage child, then we are pleased to meet you and offer you this book as a means to lighten your burden.

Don't feel alone: ​​there are thousands of parents going through much the same problems, and it's very likely that some of them - your neighbors and friends - are very close by. You may not realize that you are in such a large company: in our society, a parent is supposed to feel a sense of shame when a son or daughter misses school, or gets drunk, or otherwise misbehaves; therefore, even friends are not inclined to talk about the misdeeds of children and the experiences associated with them. Showing you their disposition, they can still ask at a meeting: “Well, how are the children?” - however, your answer usually comes down to talking about socially acceptable behavior in children, and by no means about disobedience, skirmishes, nightly returns home, absenteeism. For a parent, allowing negative facts to become known is like receiving a negative assessment. Everyone you know has the same fears, which is why everyone prefers to remain silent, experiencing alone feelings of loneliness and despair.

We, Bob and Jean Bayard, have gone through all of this ourselves and therefore have a special interest in those situations in which parents feel like they are under siege. It is extremely important for us which of the two ways you get out of them. Almost certainly you think that the problem lies in the behavior of your child, and its solution is to change the child in some way, to make him behave differently; however, you will be just as likely to cope with the problem before you if you see it as an opportunity to change something in your own life, to expand its boundaries, to learn how to take better care of it. In this book, we will tell you how to go the second way for the benefit of you and your child.

Four years have passed since the publication of the first edition of the book by Robert and Jean Bayard in Russian. A lot has changed in our lives over the years. Some problems disappear in it without a trace, others, new problems have appeared. There is, however, a certain circle of "eternal" human concerns that remain in our lives, no matter what happens around us. These are parent-child relationships, difficulties and conflicts. In this sense, the book by R. and J. Bayard, addressed to parents, cannot become outdated: there will always be families with teenage children, and there will always be among them those where parents "reached the handle" and no longer know what to do with their "restless" teenagers" and whether there will ever be an end to all this "family hell".

Books for parents are different. From some you can learn a lot of new things, they broaden your horizons, enrich you with information from philosophy, psychology, pedagogy, and medicine. However, often such knowledge cannot find direct practical application in your relationships with children. After reading such books, you will learn how parents should relate to certain family situations.

But what are you going to do with your son (your daughter) today?

As a rule, this question is not answered in such books.

There are, however, books for parents of a completely different kind. These books can be called a kind of "know-how" (from the English "I know how"). They contain not just information-knowledge, but also information that organizes your behavior, your communication, your life.

Such books (and they are usually called practical guides) are quite rare. Writing a how-to guide is much more difficult than a typical book; in order for it to be realistic and effective, a large, generalized and in a certain way systematized practical experience is needed.

Lucky for you, you hold in your hands a real practical guide to improving communication between parents and teens.

In the short preface of the translator it is impossible, and, in our opinion, it is not necessary to retell the content of the book. To get an idea about it, just look at the page where its table of contents is presented. At the same time, there are several important considerations that should nevertheless precede your acquaintance with this book.

Consideration the first. The book by R. and J. Bayard is a psychotechnical know-how. Such practical guidance should not be confused with other types of know-how. When you use, for example, a VCR instruction manual or a cookbook, such "know-how" helps you make certain, as a rule, expedient changes in the external world of things around you. At first glance, psychotechnical guidance also tells you what and how to do outside, with other people. However, in reality it is primarily intended to transform your own inner world. Psychotechnical know-how is a practical guide to self-change! Here, of course, you will ask: “Why should I change when my son should change? My daughter?"

This is where our second consideration comes into play. The answer to your perplexed question is paradoxical, but very simple: according to the ideas of modern psychology and psychotherapy, in order to change another person, you need to accept him as he is - and how, apparently, you cannot accept him yet. That is, in order to successfully influence another, you first need to change yourself! “Changing myself, I change others” - this is the credo of the authors of the book. They address this book to the desperate parents of "restless" teenagers who have tried everything, it would seem. As it turns out, there is another way. And this remedy, not yet tested by you (as you will be able to see for yourself after working for some time with this practical guide), has a very strong and beneficial effect. And finally, the third consideration.

My personal experience as a counseling psychologist shows that patience is not one of the common parenting virtues ... We usually want to achieve immediate positive changes in our children. Miracles, of course, do happen, but they are extremely rare; usually it takes effort, perseverance, everyday and sometimes quite painstaking work, returns and repetitions, movement step by step, etc. The road will be mastered by the walking ...

Your relationship problems with your children have been building up over the years; and although it is possible to overcome the difficulties that have arisen, but ... only not in one or two days, but at least in one or two months of serious work under the guidance of the authors of the book.

Concluding this brief appeal to you, parent reader, I would like to wish you trust in the authors of the book, self-criticism, perseverance in achieving your goals and - at least a little sense of humor. I have complete confidence that these qualities, combined with the experience of Robert and Jean Bayard, will provide wonders for your individual family.

With the kindest parting words, Candidate of Psychological Sciences A. B. Orlov

If you have concerns or concerns about your teenage child, then we are pleased to meet you and offer you this book as a means to lighten your burden.

Don't feel alone: ​​there are thousands of parents going through much the same problems, and it's very likely that some of them - your neighbors and friends - are very close by. You may not realize that you are in such a large company: in our society, a parent is supposed to feel a sense of shame when a son or daughter misses school, or gets drunk, or otherwise misbehaves; therefore, even friends are not inclined to talk about the misdeeds of children and the experiences associated with them. Showing you their disposition, they can still ask at a meeting: “Well, how are the children?” - however, your answer usually boils down to talking about socially acceptable behavior in children, and by no means about disobedience, skirmishes, coming home at night, missing classes. For a parent, allowing negative facts to become known is like receiving a negative assessment. Everyone you know has the same fears, which is why everyone prefers to remain silent, experiencing alone feelings of loneliness and despair.

We, Bob and Jean Bayard, have gone through all of this ourselves and therefore have a special interest in those situations in which parents feel like they are under siege. It is extremely important for us which of the two ways you get out of them. You almost certainly believe that the problem lies in the behavior of your child, and its solution is to somehow change the child, make him behave differently; however, you will be just as likely to cope with the problem before you if you see it as an opportunity to change something in your own life, to expand its boundaries, to learn how to take better care of it. In this book, we will tell you how to go the second way for the benefit of you and your child.

We did not always feel as confident as we do now, we did not know how to deal with conflict situations. We raised five children and during that time we did almost everything (both reasonable and stupid) that we talk about in the book. About the same thing that our children did, let them someday tell themselves. Respecting their right to privacy, we will describe only what we ourselves have lived and experienced, faced, like the parents we consulted, with the widest palette of children's behavior, which for many years has colored our lives with experiences.

When we raised our first two children almost to adulthood, it seemed to us that we still had a lot of unspent father-mother feelings. (Maybe we also wanted to prove that we can be good parents and, therefore, worthy people?) With a sense of joy and a sense of new horizons, we adopted three more children from Korea into the family; one of them was eleven, and the other two were five years old. By the time all five had grown up and were ready for an independent life, we already had thirty years of uninterrupted practice of raising children.

Gene and Bob Bayard are a couple who are psychotherapists in a joint clinical practice in California and parents of five children. Bob is a physicist, Doctor of Psychology, UN expert, former head of research and development in the field of technology. Jean is a writer and member of the Greenpeace environmental movement.

Complexity of presentation

The target audience

Parents who face the challenges of raising teenagers and who want to change themselves by ceasing to control their children and letting go of the situation.

The book provides many examples of how parents should behave in difficult relationships with teenagers. The authors clearly formulate a step-by-step technology in restoring peace in the soul and in the family, and also describe ways to overcome problems. It is impossible to be a happy parent while you have to exercise tight control over a growing child, wait for respect and care in relation to yourself. The authors are convinced that consistency in actions and parental perseverance will eventually be rewarded, and their recommendations will help to resolve other family conflicts in the future.

Reading together

You should not consider yourself a bad parent if your son or daughter behaves inappropriately. They also have the right to be free, loved, but you are not the slaves of children. You need to make a list of not the most pleasant actions of the child, analyze these items and compare them with events in the life of a teenager and yours. The child must learn to control actions and events, also to distinguish between what he does and what lies in your area of ​​​​responsibility. You have the right to refuse to carry it for his personal items, it is worth entrusting the decision to him.

Often the child does things not to demonstrate hatred towards you, but to avoid making a decision, because he receives too much negative attention from you. But in fact, he needs care, approval, trust. The more you delegate responsibility to him, the more bad behavior receive in response. Children tend to provoke a return of control in their lives. Here it is necessary to refrain from showing the usual negative attention and remain calm, thinking about when the grown child will be able to become responsible and independent. Any communication must be built in the form of a self-message, point out the possible consequences, and even recognize parental helplessness. It is best to offer specific help or acknowledge out loud that the teenager is capable of making a decision for himself.

As you work through the items on the list, questions may remain on some of them. If they caused denial in you, perhaps you yourself influenced the actions of your child. You- and you-statements can act as a provocative stimulus to incidents, and the manifestation of negative attention is a reinforcing stimulus.

The parent must take care of himself. Constant anxiety about the behavior of the child indicates insufficient care for your inner needs. You should listen to common sense and not be a “good parent”, depending emotionally on children, but learn to hear the signals “I feel”, “I want”, etc.

Dangerous questions are checks to see if the child is telling the truth or lying. It is better to use the I-statement in the form of a statement of the event or not ask questions at all during the week.

When there are difficulties in communicating with a child, you need to remember two important goals: to do everything to become happier yourself, and to be confident in the decency and responsibility of a teenager, not allowing emotions to prevail. The child is not a villain, follow positive attitudes and everything will change.

Defending parental rights entails tantrums, rudeness on the part of the child, he will try to return the relationship to its previous position. There is no need to be afraid of these skirmishes, be persistent, and they will become shorter and less frequent. This will give the child the opportunity to understand that both you and he have equal rights.

Start standing up for rights if they are not respected. To do this, the authors propose to take five steps, until the last one - the parental strike - sometimes you may not reach it, having solved all the problems at the first stages. It is necessary to choose one item from the list that concerns the life of a parent, and act.

Five steps:

1. It is necessary to establish how fair the claims are. It is important here to be able to negotiate with the child when both of you are in a calm, friendly mood. In the first two phrases, “I” should sound, in the third, “you” appears: express dissatisfaction with the situation, explain how you would like to see it, and ask the child for help. If the child agrees, you can start a dialogue; if not, you should persistently seek agreement. If the child still does not agree to negotiations, it is necessary to repeat the steps after a while.

2. Show perseverance and perseverance. If the teenager did not go forward, you need to formulate an I-statement to reduce emotional stress, for example: “I want that ...” When talking with a child, start with “I understand that you ...” and end with “... and I want.”

3. Repeat the second step many times if you are faced with the same problem, reinforcing success by trusting the teenager and the opportunity to talk to him about the experience of the event, not his, but your life, using the three-term sentence from the second step.

4. Convince your child that you will achieve what you want. This is a kind of preparation for ultimatums or a strike. To do this, you should choose a non-serious situation, but one that occurs too often and worries you. Then you need to come up with something strange that you can do when this situation repeats, and execute it. You will get incomparable pleasure from inner emancipation, and the child will see what you are capable of.

5. The manifestation of a parental strike can mean both an improvement in relations with the child, and vice versa. It's important to stay cool and start partially making demands.

The most important thing is to feel the joy that the child finally makes his own decisions.

Best Quote

“We think we understand why the very discussion of giving a child the right to make mistakes can create such difficulties and even scare you. We think it's because you strive to be a good parent."

What does the book teach

The child must control life himself without the participation of parents, since he is just as capable of making the right decision.

Children should understand that parents have exactly the same personal needs and rights, they are not obliged to provide them with a comfortable life.

The crisis in the parent-child relationship is great opportunity their changes and development.

A lot of author's exercises and techniques help to establish contact with a rebellious son or daughter. The book is recommended to be re-read with an interval of 1-3 months until the tension between the child and the parents disappears.

Editorial

How do you want to raise your children? Have you thought about what exactly you want to give them? If yes, then learn how to make the right choice in difficult parenting situations, from an article by a psychologist and a mother of three children. Olga Yurkovskaya: .

The importance of physical contact and closeness with a child is described in detail in the book by Lyudmila Petranovskaya "Secret Support: Attachment in a Child's Life"). Read it with us, watch the "road map" of growing up using examples from literature, films, just from life, find out how a child turns from a baby into a teenager. It is the theory of attachment that allows you to accurately and deeply study childhood and the relationship of the child with his parents. Parents should remember the three main pillars of their relationship with the child: love him, care for him and guide him.