Tatyana Sharanda
practical psychologist
family and marriage consultant
head of the psychological development center
The realization that you are being abandoned is hard for both women and men.
- It is very difficult to say that divorce is more difficult for someone, men or women. Firstly, it all depends on the situation, and secondly, on the personal qualities of each person.
Of course, if we talk about general statistics, women are more sensitive by nature, but still the main factor is who left whom. There is almost always someone who has been abandoned. It's usually harder for him. The person who leaves is stronger a priori. The psychological pressure on the abandoned person can be extremely strong. Sometimes men can't cope with such situations. And often they are looking for salvation in alcohol, gambling, and so on.
But it also happens that the decision is made mutually. The ending is not always tragic.
- Certainly. There are such couples, and I treat them with deep respect. Unfortunately, not everyone can agree. A good relationship between former spouses are rare. But people came to me who, despite the divorce, are still friends. And at the reception they were about problems with a common child.
For example, one baby showed psychological difficulties, and both parents were interested in holding him, helping him understand himself. This is a great example for others.
Get divorced, get married, get divorced again, get married again
- They say that if one of the spouses, in principle, had the idea of divorce, then there is no turning back. Sooner or later there will be a break.
- And here it is impossible to speak unambiguously. The situations are different. It depends on what roles each person performs within the family, which inner self dominates.
There are couples where both he and she are teenagers inside themselves, regardless of their real age. In this case, everything is unpredictable, because for them, relationships are more like a game. In words, spouses get divorced almost every day. Gradually, even those around them get used to their scandals. There are times when people really get divorced. Then they marry again. Then they get divorced again and ... get married (laughs). This is their personal way of growing up. Often in such marriages, the child takes on the role of an adult. Paradoxically, but true! He is the most responsible and wise in the house. He had to become like this in order to at least survive.
A marriage where one of the partners plays the role of a parent can last quite a long time, as a mature person understands a lot, is not afraid to take responsibility and knows how to give in.
There are unions where the husband and wife are both independent individuals, both adults. In this case, the reason for divorce is usually very serious, for example, the mismatch of the sexual constitution. When one of the partners is hyperactive, and the second is much less interested in the intimate side of life. Or someone has not just a fleeting relationship on the side, but a strong affection, which gradually develops into true love, and being together is simply unbearable.
Society no longer condemns the wife who left the family
- Based on your experience, who is more likely to initiate a divorce?
- You will probably be surprised: today it is more and more often women! They can provide for themselves financially, their parents help them, they have ambitions, personal goals, society no longer blames the wife who left the family, this has ceased to be a shame. Sometimes it is almost impossible to reach the modern Amazon. If she decides something for herself, it is difficult to stop her.
- Inner freedom is good. But is the decision to burn bridges always the right one?
- I'm probably a very conservative psychologist. Today independence and strength are promoted. However, it seems to me that you need to try to save the family to the last. Don't jump to conclusions. After all, you can regret it very much later, and it’s not always possible to return everything back.
A lot of people come to me, and with full confidence I can say that children suffer the most from the separation of their parents. These are psychological problems that accompany later in adulthood, and various diseases caused by severe nervous stress. And in adolescence and suicidal thoughts may arise. And these are not unfounded statements, but real situations that I, as a specialist, had to deal with. The psyche of children is quite flexible, but boys and girls aged 13-17 are extremely sensitive.
For 47 years, a man carried in himself a tormenting feeling of abandonment
Is it worth keeping a marriage solely for the sake of children?
- If this is not possible, I always ask parents to at least try to maintain warm relations with each other. For children, this is important. Do not swear, do not find out in front of them who is right and who is wrong, try to come to some kind of compromise, because, as I said, the divorce situation hurts boys and girls a lot. If you do not pay attention to this in time, the pain will torment a person all his life.
Just recently I was talking to a woman who is already 47 years old. Her dad left the family when she was little. That's how the situation happened. She did not see her father. Decided on it just now. I found out the address and visited my parent, who had long ago moved to Moscow. The meeting was very warm. The father was glad of the arrival of his daughter, he showed her the capital, told about his fate. The woman admitted that only now she realized: all her life she felt inferior. And only now it became easier for her. For almost 47 years, a person carried within himself a tormenting feeling of abandonment.
- Have there been cases in your practice when people regretted that they got divorced?
- I ask about this, and usually people who are well over 35 give a positive answer to this question.
- What is the main reason?
- The connection on the side that the partner could not forgive, even if it was actually something not serious at all.
I only know three good reason for divorce
- How to understand that a divorce is really necessary, because there are such situations?
To better understand, let me tell you a little story. Even under the Soviet Union, in one very serious magazine, I read a letter from a woman. It was a kind of message to all people. She wrote about her life. The narrator had a wonderful family: a good husband and two children, peace and harmony. But the woman began to notice that her husband began to move away - he devoted all his free time only to babies. At some point, the wife began to ask questions. The husband honestly answered that she was very dear to him and he respected her immensely, but ... only as the mother of their children, it turned out that he fell in love with another.
The woman was crying, offended, cursing. He endured and did not make excuses. The man was very attached to the children, he could not leave his family. Yes, the wife internally did not let him go. Slowly and painfully, but she still came to the realization that a person dear to her was simply dying before her eyes. A conversation took place, and they parted.
Without waiting for the morning, taking some things, he rushed to his dream. However, he was in such a hurry that he lost control and crashed. In an instant, hope and support for everyone disappeared. In the letter, she asked not to repeat her mistake, but to understand and accept the feelings of another and, no matter how painful it was, to let go.
Why this story? Love is the greatest reason. If you feel that they are not lying to you, that a serious feeling makes a person leave, then you need to put up with it.
The second reason is any human addiction whether it be alcohol, drugs, gambling. If a person himself is not ready to fight with himself, it is impossible to pull him out of the swamp, no matter how hard the spouse or spouse tries, they will have to drown together. Here I have a rather tough position, because this is true. Too many broken destinies. There are no former people with addictions.
The third reason is violence. I think everyone understands this. You should not wait until the aggressor eventually cripple you physically or mentally. Pack your things, look for help, support and leave. There are always options.
I think there are three main factors. In all other cases, I advise you not to rush into a decision.
Take off your rose-colored glasses!
- Maybe you should ask yourself some questions in order to better understand what is happening in the soul?
- Without coming to a psychologist, you can go through projective methods of unfinished sentences on the topic "Family Relations". They just need to complete the sentence. It is advisable to do this together, and then exchange the results obtained, they will surprise both. Only I recommend referring to serious psychological sites.
When getting married, we often confuse expectations with reality, endowing our partner with non-existent qualities, perceiving his behavior from a position that is convenient for us at a given time. And as experience shows, taking off the “rose-colored glasses” and seeing a person from a different angle is very painful.
If the partners just decide to talk to each other - this is already a serious step forward! I take my hat off to these people. Unfortunately, more and more often couples come to me where he or she demands in an almost commanding tone: “Explain to my husband (wife) what he (she) should (should) do!” Such statements have long ceased to amaze me. Unfortunately, we hear only ourselves and our pain, without thinking about what is going on in the soul of another person. I always want to say to such people: “It's time to take off the rose-colored glasses!” Although this should have been done before marriage. If you are not ready to accept another person, then it is better not to enter into a relationship. And if they change, then only together.
Another little sketch. I often watch people. What can you do, it's work. So I remember one scene well (although it is repeated more than once in other interpretations). In the underground. The train arrived. A young couple at the station says goodbye. He kissed her, she went ahead. At the very door of the transport, the girl turned to look at the guy. But the young man had already taken out his phone and buried his nose in it. Not a very pleasant situation. The girl never got the message she hoped for.
It would seem nonsense! But it is in the little things that the truth is traced. I can predict the future of people's relationships based on this one story. And my verdict will be disappointing. The relationship is at the initial stage, but already here it is worth asking yourself whether this is the right person and whether we really need each other.
Freedom is too tempting
- Today it is fashionable to say “we took a break” when the couple decided to leave for a while, to live separately. Is this method helpful?
- I guess, yes. However, there is one thing. Freedom can be too seductive. First of all for men.
Why do problems start in marriage? There are no obligations in the candy-bouquet period. Today we met, went to the cinema, tomorrow we decided to relax. There are more positive emotions, and it is too early to make any claims. And then you have to be with a person constantly, overcome obstacles together, get used to each other. And for some this is extremely difficult. So here. If you again felt the taste of freedom, there is an alluring desire to fly away forever. When the wave of joy from independence subsides, it may turn out that this freedom was not really needed.
Can you give advice on how to save a marriage?
Tell each other about your shortcomings. When I say this to my clients, their eyes widen. And yet, yes, let the man honestly say that from time to time he scatters socks all over the apartment, that he can’t hang frames on the walls, and so on, and the woman admits that she can only cook scrambled eggs, and sometimes she gets upset over trifles.
Removing the mask of ideality, we begin to move towards each other. Before marriage, both men and women often idealize a partner and expect a certain relationship in advance, and then it turns out that everything is not as beautiful as it was in dreams.
In any situation, try to have a dialogue, not a verbal duel, put yourself in the place of a partner, think, then do it. This does not always save the marriage, but, believe me, it will save your nerves and respect for each other.
Divorce through the registry office has many advantages - ease of preparing an application and a minimum package of documents for a divorce, low cost and no additional costs, short processing times for an application and a quick divorce.
In addition, the divorce procedure in the registry office does not imply clarification of the circumstances of a failed family life and the reasons for the breakdown of relationships. It is not required to present evidence and listen to the testimony of the parties and witnesses, it is not necessary to collect numerous certificates and file petitions. How does a divorce happen in the registry office? Simple, fast and efficient.
However, not every marriage can be dissolved in a simplified and expedited manner. Only spouses who have come to a mutual agreement on divorce and do not have common children of minor age have the right to divorce through the registry office.
Thus, in order to peacefully, simply and through the registry office, a combination of two mandatory conditions is necessary:
The first prerequisite for a divorce through the registry office is mutual agreement spouses. If the husband or wife does not consent to the divorce, the divorce procedure will not take place. After all, divorce, just like getting married, is possible only voluntarily. The absence of the need to resolve disputes, sort things out, make mutual claims and expose the intimate aspects of your life to outsiders is an important condition for filing a divorce in the registry office.
The consent of the spouses is expressed in a joint application, which they submit to the registry office.
Why is spousal consent required?
For many spouses, this norm of family law causes bewilderment and indignation. Why is it possible to get a divorce through the registry office only by mutual consent? Why does the other spouse have to go to court because of the disagreement of one of the spouses? After all, the court, like the registry office, does not refuse anyone and dissolves marriages at the request of the spouse, even if the second spouse does not agree. What then is the meaning of this condition?
The meaning of this condition lies somewhere in the remnants of Soviet legislation and the justice system, in particular, in family matters. Once a great mission was assigned to the court - contribute to the preservation of families. The extent to which the court coped with its mission is unknown, since there is no statistics on the number of families saved from divorce thanks to the trial.
Today, as before, the same mission is entrusted to the court. Therefore, judges formally appoint spouses, and with a clear conscience divorce spouses who failed to reconcile.
The question remains open - will the state really not find another way to save families, except for the judicial divorce process? And isn't it worth saving the spouses from the long and troublesome divorce process if it is no longer possible to save the family?
So, your family circumstances meet the conditions required by law for filing a divorce through the registry office. Mutual consent - yes, common minor children - no. In order to carry out the plan and receive official confirmation of the actual breakup of the family, it is necessary to go through the standard divorce procedure through the registry office, which consists of several stages:
Let's consider each of these stages in more detail.
Spouses who have mutually agreed to end the marital relationship must jointly draw up and file a petition for divorce. The law provides for the possibility of compiling and submitting separate applications each of the spouses as well as filing an application only one spouse, subject to the presence of a notarized signature of the second spouse.
It is drawn up in the form prescribed by law (No. 8, 9 or 10) indicating all the necessary data. Documents established by law are attached to the application for divorce, one of which is a receipt for payment of state duty.
Spouses (husbands) can apply for divorce:
Compared to the duration of the trial, burdened by clarifying the circumstances and reasons, filing applications and petitions, resolving disputes, considering appeals, the divorce procedure through the registry office is carried out in record time.
So how long does the divorce procedure through the registry office take? Smooth 30 days. This period cannot be shortened or extended. The beginning of its calculation is the day after the filing of a joint or unilateral application for divorce, the end is the day the act of divorce is registered.
Expert opinion
Alexey Petrushin
Lawyer. Specialization in family and housing law.
This month period is given to the spouses to think about the possibility of reconciliation and the preservation of the family. Indeed, in marital relations, situations often arise when, under the influence of negative emotions (resentment, irritation, anger), a spontaneous and not always justified decision is made to leave. Within a month, the spouses can change their mind about divorcing and withdraw their application. Unfortunately, this rarely happens in practice.
Unlike the judiciary, the registry offices do not clarify the motives and reasons for the divorce, do not take measures to reconcile the spouses.
The procedure for dissolution of marriage is quite formal and includes the following steps:
The procedure for divorce through the registry office is regulated by Article 19 of the Family Code and Chapter IV of Law No. 143 "On acts of civil status". In these legislative acts, one can find the rules for divorce through the registry office, including the requirements for the form and content of an application for divorce, the procedure for submitting it to the registry office, and, directly, the divorce procedure.
On the day the application for divorce is filed, the registry office staff sets the date for the registration of the divorce. The place of registration of the divorce will be the registry office ...
If an application for divorce is filed unilaterally with an incompetent or imprisoned spouse, the registry office must notify the imprisoned spouse or guardian of the incapacitated spouse within 1 month. If the incapacitated spouse does not have a guardian, the registry office must notify the guardianship and guardianship authority. In addition to notification of the received application for divorce, the registry office asks for a response indicating the surname that the spouse will bear after the divorce.
On the specified date of registration of the divorce at least one of the spouses (or a representative of the spouse by proxy) must appear at the registry office to participate in the divorce proceedings.
If both spouses cannot appear on the appointed day for valid reasons, the procedure may be rescheduled. The absence of both spouses makes the dissolution of the marriage impossible, and the filed divorce application is rejected. After that, you can file a new divorce application - at least the next day.
- This is the main document certifying the fact of dissolution of marriage between spouses. After the divorce is registered, each of the spouses receives their own copy of the certificate.
Divorce certificate must contain the following information:
If we talk about the financial side of the divorce process through the registry office, then, most likely, the total amount of expenses of the spouses for filing a divorce will not exceed the amount of the state fee.
So how much will a divorce in the registry office cost the spouses?
The amount and features of payment of the state fee are provided for in the Tax Code of the Russian Federation (Chapter 25.3). From January 1, 2015, changes came into force regarding, according to which the following amounts are payable:
Payment of the state fee is carried out at the bank, strictly according to the details of the registry office. The original receipt of payment of the state fee must be attached to the divorce application when submitting documents.
So, the right to divorce through the registry office is granted ...
Since marriages are dissolved through the registry office only in indisputable cases (either by the consent of the married couple, or on the grounds provided for in Article 19 of the Civil Code of the Russian Federation), state intervention in family relationships– minimally, the divorce process is a formal procedure.
If, for a good reason, the appearance of a married couple (or at least one spouse) on the appointed day is impossible, the procedure may be postponed. If the spouses did not appear without a valid reason, the submitted application is canceled, the divorce procedure is not carried out (the paid state fee is not returned), which, however, does not prevent the re-submission of the application.
That's all. Young married couples, whose family life began by ardent mutual agreement, but soon exhausted itself, by the same mutual agreement end it.
Lack of time or knowledge can play a cruel joke. Despite its simplicity, divorce in the registry office also has its own characteristics. If they are neglected, you may face a refusal to dissolve a marriage or bring the matter to judicial red tape. Spouses need to know how to write an application, where to carry it, what to say and how much it will cost? If you have any questions, please contact our lawyers. The consultation will dispel all doubts and give an answer to the controversial situation. Remember that divorce does not tolerate mistakes - and if you decide to take such a step, it is important to draw it up correctly.
You will need
Instruction
The main condition for a quick A is mutual agreement and agreement on all issues that usually arise in the process of divorce. You can get a divorce in the civil registry offices (ZAGS) or in court.
If the spouses agree and they do not have common minor children, the marriage is dissolved in the registry office. Submit a joint application to the registry office at the place of residence or registration of marriage, pay the state duty. When one of the spouses cannot appear at the registry office, two separate applications are drawn up, and the consent for the absentee must be notarized.
For the dissolution of marriage in the registry office, a monthly period is set, the countdown of which begins the day after the application is submitted. Upon its completion, the spouses are issued certificates of divorce, and it is enough for at least one of them to be present at the state registration of the divorce.
If you have minor children (your own or adopted), you can only go through the court. In order not to drag out this process for a long time, discuss in advance with which of you the children will live, determine the procedure for communicating with the other parent and relatives on both sides, and agree on the payment of alimony. In addition, discuss all property issues. Document your agreements with one or more agreements, have them notarized, or submit them to the court for approval.
Prepare the necessary documents:
- statement of claim in 2 copies;
- marriage certificate;
- certificates of birth (adoption) of children;
- certificates from the place of residence of the plaintiff and the defendant;
- certificates of income of the plaintiff and the defendant;
- notarized consent of the defendant to divorce;
- agreements on the upbringing and maintenance of children, the payment of alimony, the division of property;
- receipt of payment of state duty.
To speed up the divorce as much as possible, file a statement of claim with all documents at a personal appointment with a justice of the peace. This will allow your hearing to be scheduled faster and reviewed in one session. For a divorce through the court, a month is set from the date of filing the application, after which the judge must make a decision on the dissolution of the marriage and send it to the registry office within 3 days.
Decisions such as divorce are taken without haste. But spouses can have many reasons for a quick divorce. Perhaps you need to urgently conclude an important deal or go abroad in the near future. Or maybe even remarry. How to be in such a situation?
In this article, we will consider not only the terms of the divorce procedure, but legal ways to speed up the divorce as much as possible.
Family law provides for two ways to dissolve a marriage:
Each of these methods can be applied in appropriate circumstances, subject to a number of conditions.
Divorce through the registry office is the fastest process for terminating marriage and family relations.
Divorce period - total 30 days(according to paragraph 3 of article 19 of the RF IC) .
But divorce through the registry office is not possible in all cases. In order for the following conditions to be met:
Divorce procedure through the registry office:
If the spouses live in different cities, they can submit two separate applications, but the signatures on them must be notarized.
To dissolve a marriage, you must go to court ...
Compared with an administrative divorce, the duration of the judicial procedure is much longer (according to Article 154 of the Code of Civil Procedure of the Russian Federation):
Judicial divorce procedure:
What needs to be done so that a divorce from her husband occurs as soon as possible, and does not drag on for several long months?
Basic condition quick divorce- mutual agreement between husband and wife. The less disputes and disagreements, the faster the divorce.
If the husband does not object to the wife's desire to dissolve the marriage, the divorce can be formalized ...
If a married couple does not have joint children under the age of 18, you can get a divorce through the registry office.
Property disputes between spouses are not an obstacle to an administrative divorce, since they can be resolved in a lawsuit before or.
The duration of an administrative divorce cannot be either accelerated or delayed - it is exactly 30 days from the moment of filing the application until the moment of the registration procedure at the registry office, the date and place of which the spouses will be duly notified.
What is needed for a quick divorce through the registry office?
Firstly, prepare and submit a joint application for divorce to the registry office (or), and secondly, be sure to appear at the registry office after 30 days after filing an application for a divorce procedure. If neither of the spouses appears for the divorce procedure, the divorce will not take place - the submitted application will be canceled, and the paid state fee will not be returned. True, the next day the spouses can submit a new application, but they will have to wait again for 30 days.
If the husband and wife have children, they will have to dissolve the marriage.
All kinds of disputes and proceedings regarding the place of residence, maintenance, and upbringing of children are the main reason why the divorce process can drag on for several months. But if there is mutual agreement and willingness to compromise, it is possible to shorten the divorce process as much as possible. up to 2 months provided by law.
How to expedite a divorce from your husband through the court?
First of all, you need a well-written statement of claim, which does not have to be redone at the direction of the court, as well as a complete package of documents, among which there will be a parental agreement on the maintenance and place of residence of children. And, finally, proper attendance at court hearings - in order to avoid postponing and delaying the proceedings.
Is it possible to get a divorce if the husband does not agree?
Yes. Contrary to popular belief, the unwillingness of one of the spouses to divorce is not a reason for the forced preservation of the family. The marriage will be dissolved, regardless of the consent or disagreement of the husband.
It is not uncommon for a husband who does not want a divorce to deliberately resist the divorce process and drag it out.
For example, he asks the court to give him the opportunity to reconcile with his wife. As a rule, the court makes such a concession and appoints the spouses for 1-3 months. If the wife does not change her mind, after the expiration of this period, the marriage will still be terminated.
Another way to delay the divorce process is to ignore court notices and. But the divorce will take place even in the absence of a husband - the court will decide on the dissolution of the marriage after two forced postponements of court hearings.
Thus, the disagreement of the husband can be the main reason for delaying the divorce process.
In addition, the duration of the divorce process can be affected ...
Expert opinion
Alexey Petrushin
Lawyer. Specialization in family and housing law.
What to do to shorten the divorce if the husband does not agree?
First of all, properly prepare a statement of claim. Indicate that reconciliation between you is impossible, attach documents and other evidence of the impossibility of preserving the family (characteristics, medical certificates, testimonies) to the claim. This way you can avoid setting a 3-month period for reconciliation by the court.
If possible, coordinate in advance all possible controversial issues (about children, about joint property).
Attend all court hearings or file in-person motions to avoid delaying divorce proceedings due to non-attendance.
After the case is considered 1 more month during which it is possible to file a complaint and review the case, after which the judgment enters into force.
As practice shows, spouses often reconcile and refuse to divorce. Most often this happens within the first month after applying to the registry office or the court, less often - during the trial. That is why the law does not allow any exceptions and opportunities to speed up the divorce.
But the opportunity to refuse the submitted application and cancel the divorce is provided to the spouses right up to the registration procedure itself and the issuance of a divorce certificate. Spouses who change their mind about divorcing can reapply at any time – an unlimited number of times. The law does not provide for any sanctions for such “indecisiveness”.
We already mentioned: faster than a month, a divorce will not work. The minimum term for a divorce (administrative and judicial) is 1 month. In order not to delay the divorce process, the spouses must act in concert and comply with the provisions of the law in a timely manner.
To quickly get a divorce through the registry office, you need:
As for possible disputes about the division of joint property, they are not an obstacle to divorce through the registry office. If the wife and husband want to divorce, they can do it administratively, and divide the jointly acquired - already in court (before or).
To speed up judicial divorce, need to…
If the husband or wife does not agree to the divorce, it must be clearly stated in statement of claim that further living together spouses and the preservation of the family - it is impossible, as well as provide evidence (witness testimony, references from work, police protocols, medical documents about bodily injuries). The goal is to convince the court that reconciliation is impossible, and living together is highly undesirable, or even poses a threat to the life and health of the wife and / or children.
How to quickly get a divorce if the husband or wife cannot or does not want to attend court hearings? The law allows . All that needs to be done for this is to inform the court that a copy of the claim and documents have been received, and file a petition for consideration of the case without participation, attaching documents confirming the impossibility of participating in court sessions. If the husband or wife decides to boycott the divorce process and begins to miss court hearings without due warning, the court may decide on divorce, without his participation.
Although the law does not exclude consideration of several claims at the same time (for example, on divorce and division of property), this delays the divorce. If you can divide the property yourself (by way) or postpone it “for later” - the divorce will take place faster.
It is better to consult with an experienced family lawyer who will help prepare the claim and documents, and possibly even represent your interests in court by proxy. Get a free consultation today by asking a question in the 24/7 support chat or by calling the hotline.
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