How to break the energetic connection between a son and his father. Break off relations with your parents. Work on yourself

I would like to once again raise the topic of psychologists.
During the examination, the psychologist shouted that there is an inextricable connection between father and daughter and that a stepfather cannot replace this. That a stranger will never be able to love a child as his own. And at the end she added so sweetly: “And in general, you know that stepfathers rape children.” He was a “professional” in his field. But now about something else.

I would like to raise the topic of the connection between father and daughter. What if the father was not in his daughter’s life? What if he didn't do anything good for her? Could she then develop such a connection with her stepfather? Will her stepfather be able to replace her father at this high level of understanding?

I read a lot on this topic and nowhere is it written that the connection is formed specifically with the biological father, because... Based on this, all sperm donors should feel a connection and rush, overcoming all obstacles, to their biological children. This is utter stupidity. In the process of growing up and raising a child, he looks for standards and examples to follow. And this standard, without the presence of a father in the child’s life, can become not only a stepfather, but also a grandfather and uncle and just a family friend.

And as for violence in families... if you really dig, count the statistics of children killed and raped by blood relatives, including their own parents. The psychologist turned out to be unprofessional, incompetent, and most importantly in the examination, not objective.

Below is a great article on influence. men for my daughter's life.

Data from many studies show: a girl’s relationship with her closest adult man (usually her father) in early childhood has a significant impact on her subsequent personal life. For her, her father is the first man in her life who loves her simply for the fact of her existence. He becomes the ideal man that the girl will look for in the future. However, this is only true in the case of a warm, close relationship with the father. Otherwise, the girl will focus on men whose character excludes the negative traits of her father.

Thus, A. Adler believes that as a result of the father’s temper, some girls develop a prototype that excludes men because of their temper. Women who remember their fathers as friendly and affectionate are more likely to rate their marriages as successful sexually, emotionally and spiritually than women who remember an image of a cold and unloving father. Frigid women, as a rule, had extremely inattentive fathers who did not show any concern for the health and development of their daughter. Women suffering from sexual perversions often recall that their fathers did not play any role in the family. An analysis of their experiences allowed psychiatrists to claim that such women experience “longing for a strong father.” It is especially interesting that scientists were unable to find a connection between the characteristics of a woman’s personal life and the behavior of her mother; Apparently, the father's influence in this regard is predominant.

A huge role in the fate of a girl is played, first of all, by the father’s general assessment of her external attractiveness - even in the youngest, preschool years, and even more so in adolescence, when appearance becomes such an important factor in self-esteem. If her father actively does not like her daughter, and he emphasizes her unattractiveness in every possible way, we can say with confidence: her destiny as a woman will not be easy. She will have to endure and suffer a lot. She may have to work on herself before she believes in her merits, her ability to please and conquer men.

It will not be easy for one who grew up in an atmosphere of unconditional paternal adoration and fulfillment of all sorts of whims: it will not be easy for her to get used to the fact that some young people dare to treat her without admiration or even indifference. But, probably, the worst thing is for the one who was generally deprived of the experience of such communication in childhood and who, having matured, is perplexed and perplexed, looking at men: with them (she suspects) you need to talk and behave somehow differently than with your friends. But how is unclear...

In the best position is the girl whose loving father (or maybe an uncle, older brother or family friend) gently and unobtrusively reminded her of her attractiveness, cuteness, and her maiden dignity, thereby forming a strong, sustainable self-esteem and faith into yourself.
Good fathers are able to help their daughters learn to interact with members of the opposite sex appropriately to the situation.

As mentioned earlier, the development of a child is also influenced by the relationship between parents. However, an interesting fact is that girls are able to orient themselves even to a father who has lost his position as the head of the family, if only he is affectionate and kind to them, if he happily spends at least a little time with them. For the development of a daughter’s personality, what is more important is not who leads the family, but how conflicting the parents’ relationships are. If the father resigns himself to the position of a follower, and the parents do not conflict, the daughter retains love and respect for both of them, and, consequently, for herself.

It should once again emphasize the significant role of the father in the formation of the masculine and feminine qualities of the child. It is the father who to a greater extent accustoms children to their gender roles and can significantly help both sons and daughters in the process of their gender identification to overcome dependence on the mother, which is established in early childhood. Thus, participation in the upbringing of the father contributes to the development of femininity in the girl, but in turn, too strong an identification with the father carries the danger of excessive “masculinization.”

In general, for a girl, a father represents a model of behavior for a person of the opposite sex, on the basis of which ideas about men are formed. This is what determines the influence of the relationship between father and daughter on her future personal life.
A man’s participation in upbringing makes it possible for her logical thinking and, as a consequence, mathematical abilities to develop normally, determines her performance at school, and contributes to the development, although to a lesser extent than that of a boy, of her interests and aspirations. All this ultimately leads to the formation of certain life goals, aspirations, and interests that influence the child’s subsequent life, including the choice of profession.

Children grow up, start families, strive for career growth. Do they always do it themselves? Very often, mothers, hungry from constant care, eagerly participate in the formation of “forever small” and requiring attention “bloods”. But real growing up involves radical change. Indeed, a twenty-year-old boy cannot behave like a third grader, kicking a ball in a dirty T-shirt and torn sneakers. At the end of the day, this is just not normal. However, don't be surprised. People who are “slow” in their development are a dime a dozen. Who is to blame for this? How sad it is - a loving mother.

To take your true place in life and give a correct assessment of relationships, you need to start with awareness of the problem. We will help you identify those gaps where the boundary between mothers and adult children is violated.

"Sacred Connection"

It is not surprising that the little man is almost completely dependent on his parents. Constant guardianship forms a kind of invisible connection between the fragile soul of the baby and the very powerful ego of his mother. It will be very difficult to break it in the future. But taking such a step is extremely important, otherwise the child will stop developing and will wait for help from his mother all his life. The success of a painless break depends on both participants in the “reinforced concrete” connection. The mother must be aware of this danger and actively help the baby give up absolute dependence in order to gain complete “autonomy.”

Note. Children's personal boundaries are violated, primarily through the fault of the mother. She requires increased attention. Total control of the child’s life activities imperceptibly becomes the meaning of her entire existence. The baby develops a need to please his mother in order to earn further praise. This is one side of the pendulum. The other is pathological admiration for the child, as a form of exaggerated religious service to him.

Let's analyze the main signs of an abnormal connection between mothers and their children.

Directing the child's attention exclusively to himself

If an accomplished adult gives up everything for the sake of his mother’s next whim, his affairs are already bad. She calls and complains to her child about a headache. A son (or daughter) cancels an important business meeting in order to go to the pharmacy, buy a bag of medicine, take it to his beloved mother and listen to a million complaints from her about his health and his difficult life.

As a rule, the situation in this case is banally simple. Most likely, the mother just got a little bored and she used a win-win version of manipulation (often even unconsciously) to see her adult child.

This is not a healthy situation. The mother should be surrounded by care, but not at the expense of the rest of the family or to the detriment of the career of her son or daughter. Correct awareness of your place in life is true maternal love. Instead, many parents use cunning tactics, instilling in their unsuspecting children a false sense of guilt and an exaggerated sense of duty.

What to do?

Understand that you are not able to control your mother’s emotional sphere. By fulfilling her whims, you do not solve the problem, but you harm other family members.

Directing all your care and attention to only one person is fundamentally wrong. This is the foundation for cultivating quiet inner protest.

Define clear and strict communication boundaries and do not go beyond them.

Feeling of responsibility for the well-being of the mother

We are talking, first of all, about the moral and emotional sphere of relationships. Can you figure out where this installation came from? Is it not from the mother herself? Your responsibility for her emotional state is unfounded. This is a violation of personal boundaries in favor of the interests of the parent, nothing more. Really, how can you control her emotions? The inner world of any person belongs only to him and no one else.

When you hear phrases like these:

• I worry that you did this for me (or didn't do this).
• It's hard for me. There have been no calls from you since this morning.
• I would calm down if you thought a little about me. –

Your red light should come on. They want to use you again.

As a rule, children begin to form this pattern of false responsibility for mothers in childhood, but the process itself never ends. The problem is that all other relationships with people are formed on it. Not everyone succeeds in breaking the vicious circle.

In advanced cases, only a psychologist can help you.

Deception as a form of protecting the mother from anxiety

Children grow up and slowly learn to lie to their parents. No, not out of malice. Most likely to show you care. They protect loved ones from unnecessary worries. Daughters lie about having to spend the night with their girlfriends. The sons tell twisted stories about a purely random fight without blinking an eye. There is no big problem in this until deception becomes the norm. Adults shouldn't lie to their mothers just to avoid upsetting them. If your mom isn't happy with something, isn't that her problem? You have the right to live by your own rules.

Adults themselves are responsible for their worldview and actions and bear full responsibility for their consequences. Waiting for approval or being afraid of condemnation, asking other people what is good and what is bad is the lot of an unformed personality.

How to get rid of wrong behavior towards your mother?

You should realize that your connection with your mother has remained at the level of “a small child and a strict parent.” This is an outdated and unworkable behavior model.

To reach the next level of your relationship, be honest with yourself. Honesty will help take relationships to the next level.

Teach your mother that you will always tell her only the truth, honestly and openly. This is much better than lying in the name of peace. Let your relationship develop anew and in an adult way

Financial dependence on mother

We consider the money trap that you may fall into only as an exception. However, it is not as uncommon as some people think.

If you have been short of funds for a long time due to lack of work, school or financial problems, who will be the fastest to help? Of course, a loving mother. And it's wonderful. The main thing to remember is that it is much better to support yourself. But this is temporary, right?

What is the danger of such a situation?

Financial dependence presupposes full awareness of your affairs. Mom will quickly become a specialist in solving all vital issues. It is she who will decide your destiny. Moreover, she will probably really like it. Well, all you have to do is report on time. An unenviable fate, to put it bluntly.

In other words, you will automatically cease to be an independent person with all the ensuing consequences.

There is only one way out - earn enough money yourself.

Carrying out the responsibilities of a child by his mother

If your mom is trying to take over most of your responsibilities, beware. You will quickly become an appendage to her. Learn to cook, wash, clean. Be independent in everything. Don't refuse help when necessary and appropriate. But this is an exception to the rule. Development and spiritual growth are possible only in conditions of complete independence. Remember this.

Mother's participation in all decisions

Don't know how to cope without your mother's help? You won't be envied. Parents' opinions are important and often very appropriate, but the decision should be made only by you. Other people are only advisors. Attitude is a form of expression of trust. You share your impressions, talk about problems. And so far everything is fine.

But a thought flashed through your head:

“Mom will be offended that I didn’t consult her about buying a new car.”

This is already a problem. You have expressed dependence in the form of a feeling of false guilt.

Remember when you were a child and were scolded for doing something your way or expressing disagreement with something? If yes, then you have found the root of the problem.

You have been deprived of the right to your own worldview. You'll have to create it from scratch.

Showing disrespect for children's personal space

Mom reads your telephone correspondence, criticizes friends and girlfriends, controls all your actions.

What is this?

Disrespect for another person, unwillingness to take into account her needs. Your boundaries have been unceremoniously violated. You are being denied the right to your own life.

We'll have to fight hard for her. But don't be aggressive. Just live as you see fit.

Competition with mom

A good mother rejoices at the successes of her children and never envy them. Signs that indicate she is competitive with you indicate a psychological problem.

The struggle for attention in the family, comparison in terms of usefulness and achievements, force children to reduce their ambitions in order to appease their beloved mother. This is the path of self-criticism and underestimation of oneself as an individual.

To resist such blatant pressure, stop caring about other people's opinions and act based on your own interests, without advertising them.

Indulging negative behavior in children

Teenagers have a lot of problems trying to seem like adults. These are unhealthy habits, the desire for leadership at any cost, etc. Mothers often do not know how to cope with the educational task and make a lot of mistakes. One of them is indulging your child in everything, including bad behavior.

What is the reason?

Feelings of guilt towards a teenager or a desire to dominate him by encouraging an unhealthy lifestyle. The consequences of this can be unpredictable.

Personal information as a tool of manipulation

The mother tells her daughter about all the vicissitudes of her social, work, and intimate life. She insists that she also share interesting personal details with her.

For what?

To quietly erase boundaries that should never be violated. This is a hidden form of manipulation, an invasion into a person’s inner world.

Make it clear that you have the sovereign right to your own life and the secrets in it. By giving them away, you voluntarily hand over to your mother an instrument of pressure on you.

Conclusion

Respect your own and others' interests. Don't let anyone influence your decisions. Always be responsible for your choices. Be independent.

Relationships with parents sometimes cause pain and make you suffer, but rarely does anyone decide to sever all ties with their mother and/or father. There are even fewer who can not be tormented by a feeling of guilt. And yet, sometimes a breakup becomes the only option for a son or daughter. This happens when a relationship becomes too traumatic.

“My parents invested a lot of effort in me - but not a drop of soul. I never felt loved. There was not the slightest human manifestation: I was never caressed, they didn’t say a gentle word, we didn’t have intimate conversations, I didn’t receive gifts from them,” says 40-year-old Mikhail. “They were only interested in my achievements, and they were completely deaf to my feelings and thoughts. My father was constantly absent, and my mother unceremoniously interfered in all my affairs.”

One evening, shortly after leaving school, he rebelled, caused a scandal and almost smashed the whole house to smithereens. “I could neither kill them nor kill myself. My rebellion made no sense. And I realized that there was only one thing left for me - to destroy all connections between us,” he explains more than twenty years later. He was the only child in the family, he was never beaten, but living in an emotional vacuum was unbearable for him.

Sometimes a break is necessary, it's liberating

Adults can break off relations with their parents for various reasons, in each case they are different, but they all have something in common: a complete break is perceived as the only way to protect themselves from relationships that poison their lives. The reason does not necessarily lie in physical or psychological violence; it may simply be the inability to maintain a suffocating or consuming relationship.

“Sometimes a breakup is necessary, it is liberating,” confirms psychotherapist Nicole Prieur in the book “We Have Betrayed Ourselves So Many Times. Love, family and betrayal" (“Nous nous sommes tant trahis, amour, famille et trahison”). This occurs if the relationship, whether calm or contentious, has prevented the children from growing up and developing their own personalities, if the children have felt depressed, neglected, mistreated or made hostage to their parents' desires.

When and how does a breakup occur?

Sometimes only one of the children decides to break up because he has suffered more. Irina, now 44, dutifully endured her mother’s “icy sadism” as a child and teenager, while her two brothers were “indescribably spoiled.” But when she saw the grimace of disgust on the face of the mother, bending over her granddaughter’s cradle, Irina decided to burn all bridges.

Typically, the break is associated with symbolic transitional moments in life: the end of adolescence, the creation of one’s own family, or the appearance of the first child. These are three turning points when distance from parents becomes easier. The reason always seems insignificant: a word, a gesture, an act that overflows the cup of suffering.

Gérard Poussin, a psychologist and psychiatrist, notes in the book “How to break the bonds that stifle us” (“Rompre ces liens qui nous étouffent”) that in most cases the break occurs abruptly, sometimes calmly, sometimes with shouts, but it is rarely accompanied by explanations: “ Otherwise, this step would be too difficult to take.”

Moreover, it is never done thoughtlessly. “Usually people decide to break up after years of trying to maintain contact no matter what. Relationships are not broken off with joy,” the psychologist emphasizes. And a breakup brings not only a feeling of liberation: usually a person is overwhelmed with anxious feelings, in which suffering, relief and guilt are mixed.

“Even if he is confident in the correctness of the decision made and claims that there is no guilt behind him, this feeling is still present: deep down in his soul he feels guilty for not being loved the way he wanted,” says psychoanalyst Virginie Meggle in the book “Breaking the Umbilical Cord, Healing Our Emotional Dependencies” (“Couper le cordon, guérir de nos dépendances affectives”).

Work on yourself

“A break may be necessary, but in itself it does not solve the problem,” notes Gerard Poussin. “It can prolong suffering or even create new problems with loved ones.” In order for the separation to bear fruit, you need to be able to “break with yourself, and not with your parents,” continues Virginie Meggle, “anger and hatred maintain the connection and, against our will, strengthen infantile relationships.”

Expressing actions and emotions in words, analyzing the reasons that led to the breakup is necessary work on oneself in such a situation. It is important to try to understand your father or mother (which in this case does not mean forgiving them) and try to make a list of the good things that they gave us, even in negligible doses - such work helps to grow up and get rid of emotional dependence.

It's better to cut the symbolic umbilical cord than to burn all the bridges

“The bad child is the one who rejects everything he received from his parents, not the one who doesn’t love them,” says Nicole Prieur. “Therefore, you need to acknowledge the existence of your suffering and give it the opportunity to manifest itself. It could be just one phrase, something like: “Yes, this is the life I live!”

Unconditional reconciliation

After many years of silence, a person may feel the need to renew the relationship, for example due to an important family event. Reconciliation can occur during a serious illness of one of the parents, when there is a feeling that, having weakened, he is no longer a threat to his child.

But, according to Nicole Prier, reconciliation before death will only be possible if you do not dream of finding an ideal parent. After all, even after twenty years, having lost his strength, he can remain tough and intolerant. And in order not to find yourself in the position of a child again and to protect yourself from traumatic relationships, it is better to first work on yourself.

Mikhail believes that psychotherapy helped him develop the correct distance in relation to his parents: “When I analyzed their past, I was eventually able to understand them, and most importantly, I realized that I could not change them. My father died last year, my mother calls me twice a year. I talk to her quite calmly, since now we both know that she will no longer be able to interfere in my life.”

Stop idealizing relationships - accepting the parent for who he is and establishing the necessary distance - this is the only way to maintain self-respect and force yourself to be respected without harming yourself. It is better to cut the symbolic umbilical cord than to burn all the bridges.

I have a different situation - almost a mirror one.

I, being of sound mind and solid memory, want to formalize the renunciation of family relations with my mother.

I am 47 years old, my mother is 75. We have been living separately for a sufficient period of time. I am married, my son is 23 years old. At one time, after my father’s death, my mother, taking advantage of my legal illiteracy at that time, registered a 3-room cooperative apartment (the share had long been paid off) for herself. She, I, my son and my sister (now 40 years old) were registered in this apartment. After some time, on the basis of mutual hostility and having a strong desire to evict my son and me from an apartment in nowhere, my mother secretly draws up a deed of gift for my sister. My sister, using her right as an owner, is suing me and my son (by the way, my mother’s only grandson) for eviction and deprivation of the right to live in this apartment. At that time, my son was not even 17 years old. I lost the trial. This was in 2007.

Today, the three of us - my husband (second marriage - after all these events), my son and I are registered in a 1-room apartment that is my property.

We do not maintain any communication with our mother and sister.

Since 1995 (since the death of my father) I have been registered cemetery plot(for almost 18 years now), where all my relatives on my father’s side are buried - his parents (my grandparents), his sister (my aunt) and my father himself.

In September 2012, the sister submitted an application to the State Unitary Enterprise Ritual with a request to re-register the plot to her. The ritual refuses her.

Now she has filed a lawsuit against me with a demand to divide the plot in half, so that the part where our grandfather and father are buried goes to her, and - if our mother dies, then she could bury her in the grave with her father.

I never prevented them from visiting the burial site, nor did I put a lock on the fence gate. Naturally, I will not mind my mother being buried in this plot. By the way, all this was also written in the letter of refusal from State Unitary Enterprise Ritual, which my sister received in response to her application.

I'm already tired - both mentally and physically - of her antics! I understand that she is doing this with the knowledge and instigation of my mother. I would like to stop all this once and for all!

What should I do? Naturally, I will come to court - and I will defend my rights to the plot, especially since I have someone to transfer them to - my son in the first place, since all his relatives on my side are buried there.

I would like to completely protect my family from the inadequate interference of my relatives in our lives - once and for all. I have serious suspicions that both my sister and mother are mentally ill.

I want - if possible - to write a disclaimer of my relationship with my mother.

They won’t calm down, they will continue to crap further.

I’ll say it in a nutshell - they live together in a 3-room apartment. In the apartment (filthy as if it were homeless people’s housing - I left such a place, I don’t think anything has changed for the better) - two completely sick women, 75 and 40 years old. My sister didn’t get married, she doesn’t have anyone. They live envying me, their neighbors - in general, everyone who, in their opinion, has a successful life.

Neither I nor my son want to know them.

We want one thing - for them to leave us alone once and for all!