Father beats mother in front of child. Dad beats mom: what will the child grow up to be? How it was

Hundreds of women turn to the police every year in search of salvation from their husbands. For some reason, after the wedding, a loved one, like a werewolf, turns into a tyrant. Care and tenderness are replaced by beatings and humiliation. Divorce seems like the logical way out of the situation. However, sometimes murder puts an end to such stories. Why it’s not easy to break the vicious circle of domestic violence, I figured out AiF-Tyumen correspondent.

He jumped out at her with a knife

“I was not a year old when my dad hit my mom for the first time. Then he promised that this would not happen again. And after that there was more, more and more. I remember almost all the moments well: how, when and where I hit. I called the police myself. He said that if my mother writes a statement, they will still let him go and then she will feel very bad. She wrote, he was released and everything continued again,” recalls Tamara Lipanova.

Happy moments in her childhood memories give way to nightmares. Constant fear for my mother did not allow me to carefreely leave home to see friends. If dad was under the influence of the “green snake,” quarrels often arose, and little Toma stood between her parents to protect her mom from her dad’s blows.

If dad was under the influence of the “green snake,” quarrels often arose. Photo: pixabay.com

In 1999, Tamara’s mother, secretly from her husband, rented an apartment and transferred her daughter to another school. They left on September 1st, and the woman immediately filed for divorce.

“Dad looked for us for a long time. Found it in winter. He waylaid mom at the entrance; when she reached the eighth floor, dad jumped out at her with a knife. Mom was saved by a very thick sheepskin coat (impregnation) and a neighbor on the floor below, who came out of the apartment and scared off dad. He managed to cut my mother’s sheepskin coat and hand. We once again called the police, but they again did nothing, although a knife was found, a forensic examination was carried out, and there were witnesses,” Tamara recalls. - I hated dad then. These are terrible feelings. But after a while my mother convinced me: he is an “Afghan” and is mentally ill; he would not have done this sober. And this is their relationship, and I am his beloved daughter. I understand all women who face domestic violence, even more so, the children of these women. I was in their place. This is a big psychological trauma."

Tamara’s mother fought for the right to live without fear and threats for 13 years. It all ended only with the death of my father.

You are the one to blame

There are many such stories in the “Short-term social rehabilitation department” of the “Family” center. For women, the center is the last refuge; they come here when there is no one to turn to for help. Victims of domestic violence are abandoned by their relatives because they are tired of helping, admonishing, persuading them to leave. When, after the first blow, psychological pressure, a woman makes concessions and forgives, the circle closes.

“Domestic violence always develops in a spiral. At first I hit him once a year, then I started raising my hand every six months, then once a month, etc.,” says Specialist of the Family Center Larisa Chizhevskaya.

Once at the center, the women simply rest for several days. They need time to come to their senses, realize what happened and find the strength to tell. Talking to a stranger, even a psychologist, about what has been happening for years is not easy. Many are trying to hide some facts and keep silent about the most humiliating cases. They are ashamed to admit that their husband did this to them.

But even once in the center, some return to the tyrant. For example, one of the women asked for help, being half-blind - her husband hit her on the head. After further promises to change, she believed again and returned home. The next time she was brought to specialists for help, she was completely blind.

Why is it so difficult to break off a relationship with an abusive spouse? It would seem that the easiest thing to do is pack your things and leave, file for divorce. But the feeling of guilt that the domestic tyrant has been laying in the victim’s mind for years turns out to be stronger. As a rule, such husbands know their wives’ weak points well and skillfully manipulate them. “For the sake of the children,” “what will relatives say,” “family is sacred,” the arguments from the lips of a repentant man sound quite convincing.

Children raised in such a family almost always repeat the fate of their parents. Photo: pixabay.com

“I will never believe that a woman returns to her rapist husband for the sake of her children. She does this for herself; no mother wants her son or daughter to see how dad abuses mom,” says Larisa. - In addition, children who grew up in such a family almost always repeat the fate of their parents. Boys grow up to be tyrants, only even more sophisticated, and girls grow up to be victims.”

And this applies not only to physical violence, but also psychological. The latter, according to experts, is even harder. Constant moral oppression makes the victim weak-willed. She sincerely believes that she herself provokes her husband’s aggression.

The husband of one of our charges kicked not only her, but also the children in the head. Photo: pixabay.com

“Sometimes women’s behavior defies explanation. The husband of one of our charges kicked not only her, but also the children in the head. She applied again and again and again, because he could lose his job. Sometimes it seems that women are under hypnosis.”

Victims of domestic violence begin to open their eyes to what is happening while working with psychologists. It turns out that there were “bells” about the inappropriate behavior of the future husband even before the wedding, but even then everything was forgiven.

Formal approach

Domestic violence is one of the most complex and controversial problems in the legal sphere. Often a call to the police goes unnoticed. Law enforcement officers do not want to get involved in other people's conflicts and find out who is right and who is wrong. Often the victim withdraws the statement after a couple of days, the police know about this and prefer to wait it out. Lawyer and member of the Public Council at the Ministry of Internal Affairs for the Tyumen region Yaroslav Ilyin I’m sure that sometimes calling the police only makes the victim’s situation worse.

After filing a complaint with the police, the woman is left unprotected.

“The husband, having learned about this, begins to take revenge; his wife’s statement only angers him even more. Especially if he is a person with a certain status or position. Law enforcement agencies do not prevent antisocial, sometimes criminal behavior of men. They often approach work formally. They accepted the application, wrote a protocol and forgot about it. Then the woman finds herself unprotected, and one can only guess how events will develop,” says Yaroslav. - The only way to change the situation is to create certain regulations and a system of guarantees for women. So that after the police intervened, she would not be left alone with the rapist.”

Specialists at the Family Center believe that in such cases a special center would help, where the woman would be protected while the proceedings with her husband are ongoing. There she could receive legal and social support and obtain the necessary benefits.

If a woman really wants to leave her rapist, she needs to hide for a while. Photo: AiF / Alexander Firsov

“If a woman really wants to leave her rapist, she needs to hide for a while. In such cases, it would be good if she were given leave at work at the request of specialists. After all, a man is always trying to find a wife who dares to go against him. There were many cases when he came to sort things out with her at work, unfortunately, sometimes such showdowns ended in murder.”

It is also necessary to change the attitude of law enforcement agencies to the problem, says Yaroslav Ilyin. Employees must stand up for women and correctly understand each situation with knowledge of psychology.

Creating some kind of ideological basis would also help. In some ways, it would be possible to adopt the experience of the USSR, where there was no domestic violence on such a scale. After all, a man’s unworthy behavior was immediately brought to the party meeting. Whether this is good or bad is a debatable question, the effect is undeniable - the prospect of being on the street with a “wolf ticket” was sobering for many representatives of the stronger half of humanity and made them think before raising a hand against their wife.

To the point

A terrible incident occurred in May of this year in Tyumen. Not far from the entrance of a residential building on Olimpiyskaya Street, a 32-year-old woman was fatally wounded in the chest area. The victim died in the ambulance.

The victim's former partner was detained on suspicion of committing a crime. According to investigators, there was a quarrel between the former cohabitants. The woman is left with two children.

A similar tragedy took place in 2018 at the Lokomotiv sports and recreation complex in Ishim; the administrator was killed right at the reception.

The suspect was found immediately; he turned out to be the husband of the murdered woman. It was he, according to investigators, who came to his wife’s work in the morning and stabbed her to death right at her workplace.

As the man told investigators, he wanted to make peace with his wife because they had been arguing for some time. He brought a bouquet of flowers and tried to talk. But the dialogue did not work out, and the conversation escalated into a new conflict. Then the husband took out a knife he had brought with him and stabbed his wife with it. One single blow, but well-aimed, right in the heart. The woman died on the spot, although the doctors who arrived at the scene of the tragedy tried to revive her.

In the same year, another family tragedy happened in Tyumen. In one of the apartments of a multi-storey building on Mebelshchikov Street, a husband stabbed his wife to death. There was a conflict between the spouses. During the quarrel, rage flared up in the man, he grabbed a knife and stabbed his wife in the chest with it three times. She died on the spot from her injuries.

A year earlier, the regional capital was rocked by the murder of Irada Moskvina. In December 2017, the woman’s ex-husband came to her work and stabbed her several times. The woman was in intensive care for 5 days. But the doctors were unable to bring her out of the shock coma. She died two days before the New Year. Irina has three children left.

It doesn’t literally mean that they copy behavior, which means they behave in exactly the same way...
The article is generally called:
“Six things that you should not do with a child.” Of course, this is all theory, and there are a lot of points of view, there are also scientific works that support physical punishment... Here everyone determines for himself which method is closer to him... But I believe that it is necessary to strive to manage your anger... I am a quick-tempered person, but at the same time balanced and I do not understand assault... I will never even call anyone names in anger.
1. Scream
A scream is not a fit of rage or a desire to harm the baby, but a signal of helplessness. This is exactly how children read it: they perceive screaming parents as insecure and unstable, which makes them scared.
Screaming is simply contraindicated in education: the fact is that it builds a demonstrative character in the child. When the mother starts yelling, the child gets used to crying, kicking the floor, stamping his foot and twisting it even harder. This happens because the child gets used to emotional reactions and uses them himself.
Easy to say, you might think. After all, children sometimes simply drive them crazy by exposing themselves to real danger. Is it really worth patting him on the head if he reaches for a hot frying pan?
Instead of shouting:
1. Agree with your child. If his constant refusals (to go for a walk, to eat, to go to school) make you hysterical, make him an offer that he cannot refuse. For example: either he is going for a walk, or his mother is not going anywhere with him (while the baby is running around with one laced shoe, just go back to your business - you have an agreement).
2. Leave the room. The vast majority of children's tantrums are absolutely demonstrative in nature. This is how the child tries to evoke emotions in his mother (and, by the way, not out of malice, but because he either doesn’t get enough of them or has too much). Let the little artist calm down: let him understand that provocation is a weak argument.
3. Calm him down. Let's say he again gives you a minor fit by lying across the corridor and hitting the floor with his fists. Calm down yourself, take a magazine or book and read until the child stops hysterical. The more often you repeat this, the faster your baby will learn to keep his emotions under control.
2. Beat
Of course, after reading this paragraph, most parents will say: “We didn’t touch him!” Now remember all these small slaps on the hand reaching for the socket, weak slaps in the face that should “bring him to his senses,” and other physical “little things” that do not cause him real pain, but frighten and humiliate him.
Children should never be hit, and the force of the blow does not play a role here. And we do this again out of helplessness: unable to control our fears, we make such mistakes.
Instead of spanking:
1. Do not a priori create situations where the child is in danger at home. While he is small, all sockets, electrical wires and heavy things that a child could knock over should be hidden and closed. If he reaches out to them, it’s already your fault: the child is just learning about the world, and not trying to make you angry.
2. Learn to calm yourself down. Count to ten, go to another room, tear up a piece of paper... But do not take your anger out on the child.
3. Explain to your child the principle of operation of an electric kettle, let him play with the iron turned off - let him study it thoroughly. Take time to open up the world to your child and explain the dangers it contains.
3. Pry into his personal life
This already applies to older children. They have new friends, first novels, their own companies... Parents love to start Gestapo interrogations on the subject of “what kind of boy is this” and “where does his dad work.” Children, like adults, are not happy that the most intimate details of their relationships with peers are the subject of idle discussion. Many guys themselves run to share, but only if they feel safe doing so - mom and dad will not ask him provocative questions, delve into his relationships and look for some hidden secrets.
Instead of interrogations:
1. “So how?” - a great start for a conversation in a friendly atmosphere when the child returns from his first date in his life. He answered “fine” - don’t ask questions. If he wants, he will tell you everything.
2. Unless we are talking about drinking and smoking company, do not give your assessments to your child’s friends. This will undermine his trust both in you and in his own friends.
3. Let your child have his own space. Let him not show you his correspondence, and let you enter his room only with a knock. Personal territory is very important for children - otherwise they grow up to be neurotic.
4. Drink, smoke and use obscene language in his presence
And this is already a policy of double standards. Dad’s can of beer, mom’s cigarette, an accidentally dropped incorrect phrase in a conversation with a friend on the phone... And the child is already beginning to perceive classic parental prohibitions as a humiliation of his own dignity (yeah, mom and dad can do it, but I can’t, because I’m worse?).
A child, what can I say, is a big responsibility. In connection with its appearance, the way of life changes dramatically, and this concerns barely noticeable little things. Any thing that you prohibit a child with the text “this is for adults” makes this thing automatically desirable and does not instill in the child an adequate attitude towards what can harm his health.
Instead of double standards:
1. You have your own nanny, grandparents, clubs... You can drink, smoke and swear outside the presence of the child. But it’s better to completely give up bad habits so that you don’t accidentally remember them at the most inopportune moment.
2. Give the child information. Together you can watch a scientific documentary about the dangers of tobacco, study the effects of alcohol on the human body and create in the child’s head not an intimidating, but a correct, medically literate picture.
5. Be afraid of his sexuality
Children grow very quickly, and according to statistics, at the age of 15 and a half they enter into their first intimate relationships. Before this, conversations about sex have already begun, they are looking for information about it, and they are simply spewing out all sorts of vulgarities.
Parents clutch their heads in horror: instead of telling their teenager about contraception, they instill in him a fear of this topic, which will have the most terrible impact when the child becomes an adult. Or even worse: trying to behave “competently” during the process of his sexual development, the parents begin to find out what he did and where he went for walks.
Instead of fears:
1. Offer your child information. You can start talking about condoms as early as 13-14 years old: the sooner he learns about it, the better. But you shouldn’t run after him with brochures about venous diseases: let him have the opportunity to turn to you for advice when he wants it.
2. Do not relate to his personal life at all. If mom and dad interfere with his first love, he may grow up with an inadequate perception of this feeling. And when parents know how to be friends with a child and respect his psycho-emotional autonomy, he himself is happy to share.
6. Require your child to be an excellent student
This point may seem controversial to many. Psychologists believe that parental ambition is firmly grounded in our mentality. This is probably the machinations of the Soviet past, when instead of individualism, people were taught humility and diligence.
For many parents, school success is a reflection of their own victories. Unfulfillment in life makes such fathers and mothers firmly believe that the child must be “the very best.” But the pressure put on him will play a cruel joke on the child: in the future he will not learn to take responsibility for himself, or will rebel, or develop the need to obligingly please everyone.
And why bother? Not all children are equally capable of learning. And this does not make the child worse or better - it’s just that some are good at mathematics, and others are not. You don't blame yourself for not becoming a molecular biologist, do you?
Instead of requirements:
1. Accept your child for who he is. Let him not rise above “C” grades, and a gold medal will not shine for him: he has a lot of other talents!
2. Build the right psychology: studying is a child’s responsibility. The sooner the responsibility for grades hangs on his shoulders, the more independent and stronger he will become in the future.
3. Allow your child to always have the opportunity to turn to you for educational help, but never force it. This does not mean that he should spend hours on the Internet instead of studying - things that are dangerous to health should also be prohibited. But he might as well read or play with friends instead of studying next year's history syllabus. This is his life.
4. Remember that in our country there is an unhealthy attitude towards children's academic performance. In Europe and America, at parent meetings they talk primarily about the child’s psychology and his personal qualities, only moving on to grades towards the end. Unfortunately, we cannot immediately rebuild the entire Russian education system, but we can take a good example from the West and help the child within the family.

In Odintsovo, near Moscow, an ex-husband beat and shaved a mother who had come to congratulate her three-year-old daughter on her birthday. According to the injured woman, after their breakup, the girl lives with her father and he actually does not allow her to see the child. Why after a divorce many parents fail to distribute responsibilities for raising children in a civilized manner - in the material of Izvestia.

Shaved and billed

30-year-old Yaroslava told the media about the attack by her ex-husband. When she arrived with a gift to the child without agreeing on the time with her ex-husband, he rushed at her, locking the girl in the car. He threw his ex-wife to the ground and began beating her, and then took a clipper out of his bag and began to forcefully shave her hair. Hearing the victim’s screams, passers-by came running, pulled the angry man away and called an ambulance.

After the beating, Yaroslava was taken to the hospital with a concussion and numerous bruises. The girl filed a statement with the police, but the man has not yet been brought to justice.

The couple separated a year ago after eight years of civil marriage. The child is raised by the father, although the mother does not give up trying to award herself the right to raise her daughter. The reason for the discord in the family, according to her, was repeated outbursts of aggression and beatings. Yaroslava can only see the baby with the permission of her ex-husband Alexander. The conflict between the girl's parents worsened after the woman met and married another man.

When the former partner found out about this, he began sending the woman threatening messages and demanded 2 million rubles from her. This is exactly the amount the man claims he spent on his common-law wife during their relationship. A significant part of the funds, according to published correspondence, was spent on plastic surgery and gifts. If the woman and her new husband did not return this money to him, Alexander threatened to send him “the woman’s body in parts,” and to tell his daughter in the future that the mother died during childbirth.

In order to be able to see her daughter, Yaroslava must pay the child’s father 15 thousand rubles in addition to the amount of the “debt”.

Watcher of Violence

Even without delving into the reasons for the protracted conflict between former spouses, it becomes clear that because of such relationships between parentsFirst of all, the little girl who watched what was happening from the car window will suffer. Such situations have a significant negative impact on the psyche of children, noted criminal psychologist Viktor Lyutykh in an interview with Izvestia.

How exactly this will be expressed in a child and how it will affect his further development depends on many factors. One way or another, all areas suffer: emotional-volitional, motivational, intellectual-mnestic, communication, behavior, which generally shapes the personality. Since the divorce has occurred and disagreements have arisen about who the child should live with, we must look for civilized approaches to solving this problem. One of the options is a civil trial, within the framework of which a comprehensive forensic psychological and psychiatric expert study can be carried out, says Lyutykh.

The examination helps to establish a holistic psychological picture of the family situation. It is carried out by psychiatrists and psychologists with special training and credentials. Each family member undergoes an individual diagnosis, during which individual psychological characteristics and the presence of possible mental disorders are determined. If a disorder is identified, experts determine the degree of its influence on the personal characteristics and behavior of these individuals, adds the criminal psychologist.

The individual psychological characteristics of the child, the presence or absence of pathologies, and mental retardation are established. Then the relationships themselves within the family are examined: the relationship of the child with his mother (separately) and father (separately), the parenting styles of each of them. It becomes clear how the child himself relates to each of his parents, brothers, and sisters. Almost always, during such examinations, relatives from different sides put pressure on the child: they tell him what he should say at the trial. Therefore, one of the experts’ tasks is to identify the child’s true attitude towards family members. And, of course, the relationship between the parents themselves, the causes and nature of the conflict between them are studied,” noted Viktor Lyutykh.

The task of the court during such processes is to establish the possibilities of each of the parents to create conditions for the child’s upbringing and development.

- It is very important to understand that material content in itself does not automatically create such conditions. When a child is financially secure, but is subjected to cruel treatment, humiliation, insufficient or, on the contrary, excessive care, the prognosis for his further mental development is extremely negative, the criminal psychologist emphasized.

Revenge at the cost of life

The right to raise a child can be challenged in court, regardless of whether the spouses were officially married. For this, it is enough that both are included in the birth certificate. The procedure for communicating with a child during a divorce is determined by the spouses themselves, but if there was no divorce, then it all depends on which parent has rights to the child. If there are no judicial restrictions, then the second parent does not have the right to completely prevent communication, much less demand money for it.

- No one has the right to demand money for communicating with a child. It is illegal to use a child as an object of blackmail because he has rights that he is endowed with from birth. A parent does not have the right to restrict communication unless the other parent is deprived of rights or does not harm the child through his behavior. In this case, the situation is beyond the bounds of the law: a more resourceful person believes that he has the right to humiliate and beat his ex-wife. He uses the child in order to subject the mother to even greater suffering and at the same time cause psychological harm to the child,” human rights activist Alena Popova, who helps people affected by violence, explained in an interview with Izvestia.

Impunity in such situations leads to even more tragic consequences: kidnappings and murders. High-profile cases of violence against children often occur due to many years of enmity, the inability to adequately cope with a breakup, and the desire to take revenge on a former spouse at any cost.

The lack of prevention and punishment for violence leads to the fact that a person feels entitled to use even more pain. If nothing stops a person using violence, he becomes more sophisticated. The main task of any parent is to do the best for their child. The rapist does not care about the mental state of the child and considers it sufficient for his well-being that he is fed and clothed. If one of the parents is a rapist and a child remains with him, this is a time bomb for his future life. In parallel, we can bring the case of Margarita Gracheva, whose court refused to deprive her father of parental rights on the grounds that her husband cut off her hands. The court argued that this does not mean that he is a bad father, Popova concluded.

Strange decisions

The issues of determining child custody are always very complex, so each such situation needs to be dealt with individually, taking into account many details and related factors, noted the first deputy chairman of the commission for public control of the RF OP, lawyer Artem Kiryanov. However, he considers it suspicious that the guardianship authorities did not react to the situation.

- Often in such cases, corrupt methods are used. If there is a whole range of evidence, including testimonies of neighbors, doctors’ opinions and facts of contacting the police due to the use of violence, but at the same time a person receives custody of a child, it is worth looking for just such a trace, the expert emphasized.

According to him, it is quite difficult to initiate a criminal case for corruption. But getting custody of a child is still easier - but in any case, you will need to be patient and carefully collect the evidence base.

It is necessary to achieve a review of the decision of the guardianship authorities. If the local court does not take into account the collected material that one of the parents poses a threat, it is necessary to seek an appeal in higher courts. You can also contact the prosecutor's office. Because the decision of the guardianship authorities, which does not take into account such important factors, should cause close attention and serious questions from law enforcement agencies, added Artyom Kiryanov.

The lawyer also emphasized that even if aggression is directed only at the second spouse, a child with such a guardian still cannot feel safe. Because often this pattern of behavior begins to spread to children over time.

The State Duma adopted the law on domestic violence in the first reading. Previously, a criminal case was opened for beating a family member. Now they won't. At least for the first time they will forgive. True, legislators led by the initiator of the project, the well-known Mrs. Mizulina, clarify: only bruises and abrasions will be forgiven. If more serious harm is caused to health, then a criminal case will be opened against the tyrant immediately.

It turns out that if mom walks around with a black eye or a broken lip, then it’s okay. But if dad breaks her ribs when he’s drunk, then maybe they’ll punish her.

What about the children? How does it feel for them to watch mom frantically cover up her bruises in the morning and cry while dad doesn’t see? How will this affect their psyche? Psychologist-consultant Tatyana Ogneva-Salvoni told us about this.

Photo GettyImages

Beatings in the family, especially regular ones, are a symptom of the so-called dysfunctional family, which consists of those who, in turn, were also raised in a dysfunctional family. In which it is not customary to talk to the point, where they play the most confusing and cruel psychological games. But nevertheless, this is a family. We are accustomed to seeing any conflict situation in contrasting colors - black, white, bad, good, we defend this one, and we condemn this one. If one is a priori a monster, and the other is a priori a victim, then such a perception cuts us off from understanding the situation as a whole. You can attach as many labels as you like. Let's take a look without judgment. Why does one person raise his hand against another person? This comes from powerlessness, from a lack of words to indicate what he feels and what he wants, from a lack of understanding of himself, from the fact that the person himself has such hell inside that he can no longer contain it, and this hell pours out. The anger in the soul of the family tyrant is off the charts. And behind the anger is his own unlived gigantic pain. A domestic tyrant has a frightened soul. Why, these are individual reasons. He fights out of fear, which has become his nature. He doesn't know how to build relationships differently. But healthy contact and intimacy scare him. Probably, sometime at an early, very tender age, he received a great injury that he could not cope with. Therefore, behind fear there is a huge shame, so huge that the easiest thing for this type of people is to drown it out with alcohol. Shame is where a person has failed. And he doesn’t have the courage to just see it.

The wives of domestic tyrants are also raised ready for such relationships, since they have before their eyes the experience of their dysfunctional family. It doesn’t happen that a girl from a prosperous, psychologically healthy family suddenly married a rowdy alcoholic and lived with him all her life, enduring beatings. If she comes out, she won’t tolerate it; she doesn’t have the resources for it. And the daughter of a tyrant father has the resource of withstanding a mentally unbalanced person next to her. She is a ready victim, so with her even a potential tyrant will become a real tyrant. She will allow him to do this, often unconsciously. Boys, as a rule, stand up for their mother. And subsequently, in adulthood, it is difficult for them to get out of the shadow of the influence of the maternal figure. It’s as if they take the place of a protector next to their mother; most of their hearts remain close to her. And if you manage to build relationships with other women, then these are painful stories. Such guys often fall in love with women with difficult fates who need to be saved or protected. Calm, prosperous women without hysterics will be of little interest to them.

Photo GettyImages

It is very difficult for girls to get out of the shadow of their tyrant father. She will look for someone like dad, a bully with a frightened soul and untied hands, but with attempts to change him. And at the same time provoking the use of physical force, as if arranging an exam - she achieved success in her path of remaking this copy or failed. She also has a lot of unreasonable shame, and in order to overcome it, she can go to great lengths just to drown out this feeling of shame. However, these are some generalizations. Everyone's destinies are different, since under any starting conditions, each person always has a choice - good or evil. Examples from real life. One guy’s dad drank and beat his mom, the guy grew up to be a repeat offender. Another’s father also drank and beat his mother, but he grew up and became an extreme rescuer with awards for his exploits. The third's father drank and beat his mother, he grew up and became an incredible writer. One girl’s father beat her mother, she grew up and became a porn model. The other has a similar family situation, but she has become a scientific doctor of the highest level. Another one became a nun.

It is obvious that children from such a family, in which they received an exorbitant amount of pain, have one thing that is most difficult for them - to become someone ordinary, to live the ordinary, inconspicuous life of an ordinary citizen. They are able to endure more than an ordinary person, which is why many of them find themselves in helping professions, where they have to deal with situations in which a person from an ordinary family would go crazy with grief, pain, and the amount of blood. It is also more difficult for them to build a more or less healthy family, where it is joyful and calm, since it is joy and tranquility that are unusual and frightening for them. They can withstand almost any horror, but almost cannot withstand happiness and silence. True, some of them manage to learn this too. But this is only a few. Basically, they excel in life roles of either great victories or great downfalls. And joy, love, well-being are somewhere in the middle.